Can narcissists change?

00:11:58
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvvZY-pdmQs

Zusammenfassung

TLDRIn this video, Dr. Romini challenges the myth that a narcissistic personality can change. She explains that narcissism is a rigid personality style, often resistant to meaningful change. While some narcissists may show minor improvements through therapy, significant transformation is rare due to their lack of self-reflective capacity and commitment to empathy. Dr. Romini emphasizes that the responsibility for change lies with the narcissistic individual, not their partners. Ultimately, love and care do not guarantee change, underscoring the complexity of narcissism and its consequences for relationships.

Mitbringsel

  • ⚠️ Change in narcissism is often superficial.
  • 🔍 True change requires self-reflection and empathy.
  • 💔 Love does not guarantee transformation.
  • 🧠 Therapy access is crucial but rare for effective change.
  • 🚶‍♂️ Change is the narcissist's responsibility, not their partner's.
  • 🤔 Understanding origins helps in addressing narcissism.
  • 📉 Many narcissists drop out of therapy early.
  • 💪 Minor improvements do not equal fundamental change.
  • 🚫 Compassion is often seen as weakness by narcissists.
  • 🔑 Lifelong commitment to change is necessary, but challenging.

Zeitleiste

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    Dr. Romini discusses the myth that narcissistic personalities can change, emphasizing that while some aspects might show minor statistical improvement, meaningful change is often not noticed by those around them. Many survivors of narcissistic abuse struggle with the belief that they are the ones failing to facilitate change, despite their efforts to save the relationship. The speaker highlights the significant challenges in changing narcissistic behaviors, noting that stress, disappointment, and a lack of self-reflection contribute to the persistence of these traits.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:11:58

    The video further explores the difficulties of achieving lasting change in narcissistic personalities due to their inherent resistance to criticism and their tendency to blame others. It argues that while some individuals might find success in therapy, these cases are rare and require substantial resources that most people do not have. Ultimately, Dr. Romini concludes that significant change is unlikely, and the responsibility for change lies with the narcissists themselves, not their partners or loved ones.

Mind Map

Video-Fragen und Antworten

  • Can a narcissistic personality change?

    Significant change in a narcissistic personality is often unlikely, as narcissism is a rigid and entrenched personality style.

  • What does change mean in the context of narcissism?

    Change can be superficial or statistically noticeable but often lacks real meaning in interpersonal relationships.

  • Are there effective therapies for narcissism?

    While some have experienced improvements, access to ongoing, intense therapy is rare and many may drop out.

  • What is required for someone narcissistic to change?

    A lifelong commitment to mindfulness, empathy, and self-awareness is required, which is difficult for narcissistic individuals.

  • How should those in relationships with narcissists cope?

    It is the responsibility of the narcissistic individual to do the work necessary for change, not their partners.

  • Is there hope for narcissistic individuals to change?

    While rare, some narcissists express a desire for change, but substantial transformation remains uncommon.

  • What are the causes of narcissism?

    Narcissism can stem from early life trauma, abuse, and intergenerational patterns but isn't solely caused by them.

  • Can love and care help a narcissist change?

    No, love and inspiration often do not lead to change in narcissistic individuals, contrary to popular belief.

  • Do narcissistic individuals recognize their harmful behaviors?

    Typically, narcissists lack self-reflective capacity and tend to blame others for interpersonal issues.

  • Should people experiencing narcissistic abuse seek change for their partners?

    No, change and accountability lie with the narcissistic individual themselves.

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Untertitel
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Automatisches Blättern:
  • 00:00:06
    hi
  • 00:00:06
    everyone it's dr romini so let me ask
  • 00:00:08
    you this do you think a narcissistic
  • 00:00:11
    personality can change
  • 00:00:13
    let's take that on in this video and
  • 00:00:15
    this is part of a
  • 00:00:16
    that's a different a series we're doing
  • 00:00:18
    on debunking myths about narcissism
  • 00:00:20
    so let's take this myth on can
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    narcissism change can a narcissistic
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    personality shift and change
  • 00:00:29
    because that's the myth a lot of people
  • 00:00:31
    out there say oh of course it can change
  • 00:00:33
    all personalities can change this myth
  • 00:00:36
    is an oldie right it's a classic
  • 00:00:38
    it's the reason that most people get
  • 00:00:41
    stuck in these messes
  • 00:00:42
    in the first place the myth
  • 00:00:46
    is that narcissism can change the myth
  • 00:00:51
    is that narcissism can completely turn
  • 00:00:53
    around and we can set
  • 00:00:55
    people free from it maybe maybe if we
  • 00:00:58
    love the person enough
  • 00:01:00
    or address their core wounds or figure
  • 00:01:03
    out how to
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    best talk to them or maybe things will
  • 00:01:08
    start working out for them and then
  • 00:01:10
    their personality will shift
  • 00:01:12
    they're just grumpy because life's not
  • 00:01:13
    going the way they want
  • 00:01:15
    let's start with the idea
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    let's talk about what change really is
  • 00:01:20
    right because there's change
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    and then there's change i don't know if
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    i move my car
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    two feet forward in the driveway i
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    suppose i've moved it
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    but it doesn't really change anything
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    does it
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    another car won't fit behind it and most
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    people wouldn't notice
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    that it moved two feet but literally
  • 00:01:39
    speaking it moved two feet
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    that's a change right
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    and that right there is one of the
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    issues that causes a lot a bit
  • 00:01:49
    a lot of debate what does change
  • 00:01:52
    really mean and how much change is
  • 00:01:55
    enough
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    to be meaningful this is
  • 00:02:00
    where the researchers and the therapists
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    and the people experiencing narcissistic
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    abuse
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    will never be on the same page
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    when we do research on change
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    things that may show up as sort of being
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    i guess they change
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    statistically in a meaningful way they
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    have
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    little meaning in real life for example
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    a person's score i don't know on some
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    kind of emotional regulation test or
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    test on insight or test on narcissism
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    i suppose maybe that could shift a
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    little but the people around them aren't
  • 00:02:40
    noticing any meaningful change they're
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    still gaslighting
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    you know they're still manipulative
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    they're just still
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    out there causing problems there's still
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    rage all of those things
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    maybe there's a few maybe there's fewer
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    episodes
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    the narcissistic person may catch it
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    earlier
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    they may even apologize but it still
  • 00:03:04
    happens is that change
  • 00:03:07
    that's a subjective question therapists
  • 00:03:10
    in general do not like the idea of
  • 00:03:13
    talking about people
  • 00:03:15
    not changing maybe it's a bad business
  • 00:03:18
    model right it's like saying
  • 00:03:19
    hey i'm a mechanic and there are some
  • 00:03:22
    cars out there i can't fix
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    you don't want to say that it feels kind
  • 00:03:25
    of bleak and hopeless
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    many therapists take umbrage
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    at this idea that narcissism is a pretty
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    unchangeable
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    kind of a personality style and they
  • 00:03:37
    still work with people saying oh maybe
  • 00:03:38
    we could figure out a way to get you
  • 00:03:40
    there
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    and then there are those who are
  • 00:03:42
    experiencing narcissistic abuse
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    who desperately want change to be
  • 00:03:48
    possible
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    so they can maintain the relationship
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    but they've tried for years they've
  • 00:03:52
    tried everything
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    they've gotten nowhere and what happens
  • 00:03:56
    with most survivors of narcissistic
  • 00:03:58
    abuse
  • 00:03:58
    is that they believe there's something
  • 00:04:00
    wrong with them themselves because
  • 00:04:01
    everyone can change right
  • 00:04:03
    and if they're not changing they think
  • 00:04:05
    i'm not worth changing for
  • 00:04:07
    but maybe they change for someone else i
  • 00:04:10
    have a unique perch on this because i've
  • 00:04:12
    worked with a lot of narcissistic
  • 00:04:14
    clients in therapy
  • 00:04:16
    and listen i'm the first one to maybe i
  • 00:04:17
    am a shift therapist and that's why
  • 00:04:19
    people aren't changing but
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    let's just say i'm a decent therapist
  • 00:04:22
    right so if i even gave myself a little
  • 00:04:25
    benefit of the doubt
  • 00:04:26
    i have to say in working with
  • 00:04:28
    narcissistic clients we don't make much
  • 00:04:30
    progress
  • 00:04:31
    and i see why that is it comes down to
  • 00:04:34
    people who are narcissistic having zero
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    tolerance for stress
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    or frustration or disappointment or
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    criticism
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    i will see that just from one week to
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    the next
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    a narcissistic person can go from
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    well-regulated
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    to rageful and vindictive and when i
  • 00:04:51
    point out the difference to them
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    in one week what happened you you
  • 00:04:55
    changed so much
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    they'll start to rage at me and if
  • 00:04:59
    they're raging at me
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    i can't imagine the rage they must be
  • 00:05:02
    manifesting
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    to those close to them and usually the
  • 00:05:05
    only thing reason their rage was worse
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    the second week
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    was because a stressor came along there
  • 00:05:11
    are people out there who claim to have
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    the solution to it all
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    i don't see it i don't even think an
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    intensive
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    inpatient therapy would do it because
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    then
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    the narcissistic person would still
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    ultimately have to
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    leave that intensive inpatient setting
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    and be out in the world with all of its
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    stresses
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    and shame and disappointment
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    there are no magic spells
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    no magical trauma therapies
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    no magic mushrooms or other potions or
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    lotions
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    that make narcissism going go away
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    pushing back from an antagonistic
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    personality style such as narcissism
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    for a person to do that means making a
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    lifelong commitment
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    to being mindfully aware of other people
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    and coming from a place of empathy or
  • 00:06:00
    compassion
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    because that's the rub people who are
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    narcissistic
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    actually know what societally
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    preferred behavior looks like and
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    sometimes in their contempt
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    they will label things like respect and
  • 00:06:15
    compassion as
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    weak or foolish or lame or whatever
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    words they can use to diminish empathy
  • 00:06:22
    and compassion and respect but the
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    dysregulation
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    the impulsivity and the oppositionality
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    of narcissism
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    coupled with the lack of self-reflective
  • 00:06:34
    capacity
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    means that when things are going
  • 00:06:37
    beautifully
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    in an or the way a person a narcissistic
  • 00:06:42
    person wants
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    then they're actually able to play at
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    the empathy
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    and kindness game they're able to look
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    regulated and even
  • 00:06:50
    play the i'm interested in you game but
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    when a narcissistic person is
  • 00:06:54
    experiencing
  • 00:06:55
    any sense of threat or things in life
  • 00:06:58
    aren't going the way they want
  • 00:07:00
    they can become very reactive and
  • 00:07:03
    they're not able to inhibit
  • 00:07:05
    their often cruel responses it's for
  • 00:07:08
    this reason
  • 00:07:09
    that when people suspect that they are
  • 00:07:12
    narcissistic themselves and ask me
  • 00:07:15
    what they can do to change i tell them
  • 00:07:17
    ah it's really all mindfulness all the
  • 00:07:20
    time
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    that they always need to think about
  • 00:07:23
    every word they say
  • 00:07:25
    and how it could affect someone else no
  • 00:07:28
    matter how upset the narcissistic
  • 00:07:30
    person is feeling let's face it that's a
  • 00:07:32
    tall order for any of us
  • 00:07:35
    but it's all but impossible for somebody
  • 00:07:38
    who's narcissistic who'll often think
  • 00:07:40
    well that's ridiculous
  • 00:07:41
    i can't do that i have read
  • 00:07:44
    many many case reports over the year a
  • 00:07:47
    published art these are published
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    articles about
  • 00:07:50
    one or two people for example who might
  • 00:07:52
    have narcissistic personality disorder
  • 00:07:55
    and the article will go on to talk about
  • 00:07:57
    how the how they were treated
  • 00:07:59
    and the changes that these people were
  • 00:08:01
    able to make
  • 00:08:02
    in most of these cases these were people
  • 00:08:06
    who had access to highly trained
  • 00:08:10
    therapists
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    they had once or twice weekly sessions
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    for at least
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    18 months or longer
  • 00:08:19
    this ain't happening not in america and
  • 00:08:22
    since narcissistic people
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    are about 60 percent more likely to drop
  • 00:08:26
    out of therapy
  • 00:08:27
    even with all of that therapy in place
  • 00:08:31
    the first time the therapist goes hard
  • 00:08:34
    and attempts to make them keep it real
  • 00:08:37
    they aren't likely to come back in so
  • 00:08:40
    there goes that
  • 00:08:41
    chance to change and anybody who can
  • 00:08:43
    have that much therapy anyhow has a lot
  • 00:08:45
    of money
  • 00:08:46
    has it happened have people improved i'm
  • 00:08:48
    sure i'm sure these cases have been
  • 00:08:50
    there
  • 00:08:50
    and significant change like this is a
  • 00:08:53
    unicorn
  • 00:08:54
    it's definitely not something someone
  • 00:08:56
    can plan around
  • 00:08:57
    and the fact is the published articles
  • 00:08:59
    are about the successes
  • 00:09:02
    i recognize that narcissism has lots of
  • 00:09:05
    what we call ideologies or origins early
  • 00:09:08
    life trauma
  • 00:09:09
    abuse loss attachment issues
  • 00:09:12
    emotionally unavailable parents
  • 00:09:15
    intergenerational patterns
  • 00:09:17
    spoiled kids kids who are valued too
  • 00:09:20
    much for their abilities or
  • 00:09:22
    their appearance than for their inner
  • 00:09:24
    worlds
  • 00:09:25
    attachment issues you name it and while
  • 00:09:28
    some people
  • 00:09:30
    with those difficult backstories
  • 00:09:33
    may develop narcissistic personalities
  • 00:09:36
    most
  • 00:09:36
    will not the lack of self-reflective
  • 00:09:40
    capacity
  • 00:09:41
    and the tendency to blame other people
  • 00:09:45
    means that people who are narcissistic
  • 00:09:48
    will never recognize their contribution
  • 00:09:53
    to an interpersonal situation or any
  • 00:09:55
    situation in life
  • 00:09:56
    and will quickly blame others so they
  • 00:09:58
    can avoid the shame
  • 00:10:00
    personality is tough it's a bit
  • 00:10:04
    of a psychological fingerprint and while
  • 00:10:07
    there can be
  • 00:10:08
    a little movement in some personality
  • 00:10:11
    styles
  • 00:10:13
    some styles antagonistic personality
  • 00:10:16
    styles like narcissism
  • 00:10:18
    are very rigid and they are not
  • 00:10:21
    amenable to change life is not
  • 00:10:24
    beauty and the beast where love saves a
  • 00:10:28
    raging beast
  • 00:10:29
    and turns him into a sweetheart it's not
  • 00:10:31
    all those
  • 00:10:32
    feel good movies in which love and
  • 00:10:35
    inspiration
  • 00:10:36
    turn someone hard-hearted into a big
  • 00:10:39
    sweetheart
  • 00:10:40
    it just doesn't work that way i wish it
  • 00:10:43
    did
  • 00:10:44
    i really did we would save so many
  • 00:10:47
    broken hearts
  • 00:10:49
    so many broken families and so many
  • 00:10:52
    broken dreams
  • 00:10:53
    and frankly save the narcissists
  • 00:10:56
    from their broken spirits too but alas
  • 00:11:00
    this is not a pattern that's easily
  • 00:11:02
    amenable to change
  • 00:11:03
    i really do applaud people out there
  • 00:11:05
    with narcissistic personality styles who
  • 00:11:07
    say
  • 00:11:07
    i want to do the work i say to you by
  • 00:11:10
    all means
  • 00:11:11
    do the work it's an uphill slog but it's
  • 00:11:14
    worth doing
  • 00:11:16
    for those of you in relationships with
  • 00:11:18
    narcissistic people
  • 00:11:20
    doing the work is their responsibility
  • 00:11:23
    you can't help them with this
  • 00:11:25
    no more than you could do a kid's
  • 00:11:26
    homework and think they're going to
  • 00:11:27
    learn
  • 00:11:28
    this is these are their miles to walk
  • 00:11:31
    and listen i'd love to be out of a job
  • 00:11:34
    i'd love if people could do the work and
  • 00:11:37
    push back on this
  • 00:11:38
    but by and large the people who do make
  • 00:11:40
    the commitment are very rare
  • 00:11:42
    and most of you experiencing
  • 00:11:44
    narcissistic abuse
  • 00:11:45
    are not likely to experience significant
  • 00:11:49
    change
  • 00:11:49
    in the narcissistic people who populate
  • 00:11:52
    your life
  • 00:11:53
    i hope that gives i hope that debunks
  • 00:11:55
    that myth a little bit more clearly
  • 00:11:57
    thanks again
Tags
  • narcissism
  • personality change
  • therapy
  • self-awareness
  • relationships
  • empathy
  • mindfulness
  • narcissistic abuse
  • mental health
  • psychology