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I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psycha
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Better Living Through psychology and the
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topic of today's short talk is how to
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keep your cool with women so this is
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what I call an emotional survival tactic
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it will get you through the toughest
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moments of a disagreeable interaction
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with a woman relatively
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unscathed now one of the obvious reasons
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why people hurt the ones they love is
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that they have access to their
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vulnerabilities almost every man has had
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the experience of something he shared
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with his woman in trust and confidence
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being used against him in a quarrel
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months even years later I call this
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weaponized intimacy and it is done to
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inflict a concentrated amount of
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emotional pain for a variety of reasons
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women's attacks can also take the form
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of hurtful and untrue statements things
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like you don't love me or I hate you or
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you never cared for me at all
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Etc now leaving aside the entire
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question as to why you're in a
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relationship with a disrespectful woman
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who talks to you in this way which has
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been the subject of other
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episodes this episode is about how to
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get through this particular moment when
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a woman is personally attacking you
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without making your situation any worse
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than it already is this is because if
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you the man get suckered into her anger
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it's probably not going to end well for
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you not only do you surrender your
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emotional control and become
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disregulated which is not a very
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pleasant experience you are much more
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likely to say and do things in Anger
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that you might ultimately regret and
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their consequences might long outlive
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this particular unpleasant
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interaction so when you're dealing with
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an actively hostile woman the first rule
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of thumb is to not make your situation
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even worse
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and guys often make the situation even
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worse by becoming
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defensive defensiveness is tricky
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because it basically acknowledges the
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reality of a valid attack so it kind of
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admits that there is at least some
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degree of Truth to what she is saying
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that must therefore be responded to so
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defensiveness unfortunately tends to
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validate the perspective of the attacker
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which generally
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emboldens attackers for example if a
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woman says something like you don't love
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me most men will start listing out
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counterfactuals that disprove the
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assertion like what are you talking
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about I gave you the ring the house the
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car I put up with your parents every
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Thanksgiving and I took you to the
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Bahamas just last month how could you
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possibly think that so men who do this
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are functionally trying to prove their
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innocence which of course is only really
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necessary in the face of a grounded
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accusation just like how running away
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from certain animals triggers their
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Predator Instinct and they will come to
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see you as prey as a result becoming
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defensive in response to others
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accusations triggers their aggression
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which can create a nasty positive
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feedback loop so rather than become
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defensive men need to learn to keep
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their cool with women and I'm going to
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share with you how I've been able to do
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this albeit imperfectly I can tell you
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that this emotional survival tactic has
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saved my life and it might even save
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your life one day as well I guarantee
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that you can perform this tactic right
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now as you are with no special training
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necessary here it is no matter what
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woman you're dealing with a and no
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matter what a woman tells you to you to
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the extent that she becomes
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emotional you need to mentally create a
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verbal sandwich around her words that
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means you're going to add something to
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the beginning of what she says and add
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something to the end of what she says
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we'll do the beginning part first and
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the end part second but before we go any
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further if you're liking what you're
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hearing please consider sending this
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video to someone who might benefit from
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referrals like this that really helped
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make the channel grow
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Newsletter so if you want to opt in you
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can do so on my website and if you're
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g.com okay let's get to it
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the first thing that you have to
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mentally append to the beginning of a
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woman's statements are the words I
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feel I feel no matter what she says you
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need to mentally put the words I feel at
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the beginning you don't love me which is
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probably not an accurate statement and
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motivates men to correct this inaccuracy
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through defensiveness becomes I feel you
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don't love me
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which could very well be a true
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statement that accurately reflects her
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emotional reality you're a terrible
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person becomes I feel you're a terrible
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person I hate you becomes I feel I hate
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you which though hard to hear emphasizes
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the transient nature of the hate Etc and
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of course this is very likely what she
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is actually attempting to say however
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people in general become less effective
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communicators when they become emotional
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and they tend to leave those parts out
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the point is that by adding these words
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it's easier to remember that you're not
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actually dealing with a personal attack
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but a confession of her emotional state
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and you can't really argue with that
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like that is how she feels which means
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that it's completely true that she feels
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that you don't love her or that she
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feels that you're a terrible person Etc
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and really what is the point in arguing
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about something that is obviously true
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remembering that this uncomfortable
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moment is actually a confession of her
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emotional state and is therefore a true
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reflection of her feelings can help you
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not get bent out of shape in that moment
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what's
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more like what's it to you like she has
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a right to feel whatever she wants to
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feel she's a full-grown adult if she
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wants to feel angry and vindictive and
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hateful that's her right I mean I I
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wouldn't choose those things for myself
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I don't prefer to feel that way but if a
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woman wants to feel those things for
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some reason I'm not going to stop her if
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for no other reason that I'm not
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interested in assuming responsibility
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for how another grown adult feels like
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I'll be responsible for me because I
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alone am in a position to respond to the
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precursors of my emotions and you'll be
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responsible for you of course if those
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feelings give way to angry vindictive
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and hateful Behavior that's another
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story but if she wants to feel those
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unpleasant emotions then let her you
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can't really stop her anyway in any case
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appending the words I feel to her words
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will help you to remember that you're
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dealing with an emotional confession as
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opposed to say a declaration about
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reality all right and what about the
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second part of the sandwich the other
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slice of bread that you mentally append
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to the end of whatever she says are the
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words right
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now right now and this makes sense
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because if you're dealing with an
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emotional confession well those feelings
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are going to change maybe in as little
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as an hour or two they're going to be
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completely different this means that you
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don't necessarily have to understand
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what she's saying to be an objective
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observation of a reality that is
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permanent and endar enduring definitely
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not endearing a reality that's permanent
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and
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enduring you don't love me becomes I
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feel that you don't love me right now I
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hate you becomes I feel that I hate you
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right now you're a terrible person
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becomes I feel that you're a terrible
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person right now appending these words
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at the end of what she says will help
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you remember that you're dealing with an
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ephemeral phenomenon so you don't
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necessarily have to do anything or say
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anything to keep that necessarily
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transitory emotion state in existence
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longer than it absolutely needs to be
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and you will absolutely increase its
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lifespan if you choose to engage with it
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in kind and at face
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value and how can you escape this
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uncomfortable situation even more
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quickly than non-engagement I'm so happy
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you asked the answer is accurate
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reflection accurate reflection is such
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an underrated communication tactic
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especially if you're looking to
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deescalate
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an emotionally charged situation when
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people don't feel heard they get louder
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and more
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aggressive on the other hand when people
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do feel heard they tend to get quieter
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and more reasonable so what does this
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look like well if your woman were to say
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you don't love me one effective response
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might be to say something like you feel
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that I don't love
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you that's it she might then say yeah
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because you never help out around the
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house and you can then respond you think
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I don't help out around the
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house like Don't Be Clever keep it that
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simple three or four of these exchanges
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are enough to take the heat out of
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almost any interaction and keep in mind
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that reflection is not agreement it's
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not approval and it's not a commitment
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all you're basically doing with
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reflection is communicating message
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received and this works because people
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generally don't persist in sending
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duplicate messages now once the emotion
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is gone you might want to consider
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discussing what happened and addressing
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any underlying issues but now is not the
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time to do that for the time being just
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focus on getting out of this escalating
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exchange and o one final note it's
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actually also important for men to
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append these words to women's positive
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emotionality as well well this is going
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to hurt but when a woman says I love you
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or you're the most amazing man I've ever
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met you need to add the sandwich I love
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you becomes I feel I love you right now
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you're the most amazing man I've ever
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met becomes I feel you're the most
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amazing man I've ever met right
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now I understand that this might be hard
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to hear but mentally adding these words
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to the beginning and end of a woman's
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emotional statements will help you keep
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your feet firmly planted on the ground
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where they
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belong this will allow you to assess the
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reality of the claim and wait its
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significance
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appropriately what do you think does
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this fit with your own experience let me
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know in the comments below and if you've
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gotten this far you might as well like
00:11:49
this episode And subscribe to this
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channel you may also consider becoming a
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paid consultation as always
00:12:00
thank you for
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listening
