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love is an illusion it is the misguided
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results of Romanticism which revered
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passion and feeling over reason assume
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the Mythos of love at first sight and
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happily ever after love has been
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commandeered by market opportunities for
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profit Hall Mark in Disney movies
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greeting card and jewelry companies and
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so on they all fan the Flames of Love
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with dollars in the end love hurts all
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those who believe in it no real love
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story ends well there's no such thing as
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the
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one these are perhaps a few of the
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things a realist or pessimist might say
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or at least think in the privacy of
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their mind about love perhaps this kind
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of person is and has always been a
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realist about everything and so they are
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also a realist about love or perhaps
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they have witness a relationship crumble
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in and destroy those housed by it
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perhaps their parents or perhaps they've
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experienced it themselves terrible pains
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caused by their own experiences of a
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Love's failure whatever the case may be
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let's grant that on some level it is all
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true it is true that romantic love as an
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ideal is a lucer it is true that
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romantic love has been contorted by
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hands needing for money and it is true
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that love will never bring Everlasting
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happiness and no instance of it will
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ultimately end well so now what is this
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the end of one's hope for love it
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doesn't Happ have to be in truth why
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would love be any different what in life
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isn't immensely painful and confusing
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and uncertain and hard what in life
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isn't idealized or romanticized what
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hasn't been commandeered and exploited
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for profit what in life ends well life
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doesn't end well the problem at least
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for those of us who have found ourselves
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considering love through a sort of
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realist pessimistic lens isn't love but
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our definitions and expectations of it
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love is often viewed as a proxy for
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happiness at the very least many people
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view romantic love as a means to
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happiness this is arguably where the
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disaster starts we build our romantic
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hopes on the haphazard and foolishly
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optimistic Foundation that love will
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solve things it cannot for most of us
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the sort of everlasting potent happiness
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endorsed in the oversaturated final
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scenes of a romance story is not a
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particularly likely goal no matter what
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happens in our lives we will all likely
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struggle with terrible bouts of misery
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and anxiety and regret regardless of
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whether we are single or in a
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relationship regardless of essentially
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anything at best life is fundamentally
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difficult at worst it is fundamentally
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suffering and so take the sort of
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ultimate happily ever after happiness
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off the table and assume a pessimistic
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attitude toward love and then redefine
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it or at least work toward understanding
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and practicing a more realistic
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functional version of it
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of course there are things in life that
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do increase our well-being and there are
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things that add meaning to our lives
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family friendships relationships Mutual
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support and Care novel experiences
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notable achievements and so on can and
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do play a role in one's quality of life
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and sense of meaning and the sort of
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shared Mutual intertwinement of
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experience through love can both provide
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and augment the potency of these aspects
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of Life Harry re PhD professor of
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psychology says many many Studies have
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shown that people who are in
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relationships on average are happier
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than people who are not in relationships
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this simply means that on average people
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who are not in relationships over the
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course of their lifespan are unhappier
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in many different respects than people
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who are in
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relationships in reference to the impact
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of marital status on happiness over time
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psychologist Richard slatcher says
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couples still end up staying happier
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than they started with but essentially
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that declines a little bit over time a
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study done at Michigan State University
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by psychologist Richard Lucas has also
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shown that married couples adapt to
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their relationship circumstances and
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return to their relative Baseline of
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well-being it appears that having a
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healthy functional romantic relationship
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tends to have a positive effect on one's
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well-being but once one has a reasonably
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healthy and Cooperative relationship
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there is a limit and relative timeline
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to which a relationship can increase
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one's happiness it is not as if there is
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some other better person or relationship
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that will make a significant Improvement
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Beyond one's general optimal Baseline of
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happiness with this on average one
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should strive for a supportive romantic
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relationship but not expect or depend on
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it to be some sort of bottomless well of
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contentment another belief that can
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cause destruction and disappointment is
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the notion of the one one person who is
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perfect for us who will always
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understand our every need and impulse
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who will cater to our every Quirk and
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neosis and yet have none themselves for
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most of us we will not just simply click
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automatically and enduringly with anyone
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we will of course click more or notice a
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greater potential to click more with
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some people over others and this is
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undoubtedly relevant but equally
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relevant as recognizing that properly
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clicking and staying clicked is not
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going to be simple or easy or even
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really possible in any absolute sense
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the gears will grind as often as their
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teeth will sit perfectly into the base
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Circle a more reasonable Prospect of
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love starts not with the ideal that one
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can find someone who does not have
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qualities that will be difficult to deal
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with but rather that one can find
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someone with difficult qualities worth
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dealing with in the words of the
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philosopher slavo xek all too often when
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we love somebody we don't accept him or
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her as what the person effectively is we
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accept him or her in so far as this
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person fits the coordinates of our
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fantasy we misidentify wrongly identify
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him or her which is why when we discover
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that we were wrong love can quickly turn
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into violence there's nothing more
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dangerous more lethal for the loved
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person than to be loved as it were for
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not what he or she is but for fitting
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the
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ideal the prospect of reasonable and
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meaningful love is like all things in
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life found in the direction of effort
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care and
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thoughtfulness the uniquely dangerous
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problem with romantic love is that it
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can literally alter the chemistry of the
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brain and reduce one's ability to reason
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and think critically the American
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Anthropologist Helen Fischer wrote
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elevated levels of dopamine in the brain
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produce extremely focused attention as
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well as unwavering motivation and goal
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directed behaviors these are Central
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characteristics of romantic love lovers
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intensely focus on the Beloved often to
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the exclusion of all around them indeed
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they concentrate so relentlessly on the
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positive qualities of the adored one
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that they easily Overlook his or her
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negative
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traits as a result knowing the
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difference between being foolishly
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compelled toward a relationship and
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being foolishly dismissive of a
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relationship is anything but easy or
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clear
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all we can do here is try our best to
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use the speed bumps of time and patience
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to help ensure our car doesn't fly
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recklessly down the street in either
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direction we all must be willing to take
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our leaps of faith in life true wise
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leaps of Faith arguably are not in
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anything without evidence or Prospect
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but rather in things that are risky and
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uncertain but are possible capable of
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profound meaning and value if we land
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the Dismount and love for at least some
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of us can be the that the right person
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the one is who you settle on and fight
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for and with there is no one other than
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the one you choose and make love of this
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form is not cute or flowery it does not
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go on social media or fit neatly on the
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final page of a novel it is rather found
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in an open bathroom door in helping with
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an unsavory ailment in accepting and
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patiently sitting alongside an
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unexplainable meltdown that continues
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all night it is found in stopping a
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weird eating habit or working through a
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bad financial habit it is found in
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uncertainty and struggle it is found in
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Freedom and friction it is found in
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being told you did something wrong that
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you cannot for the life of you
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understand and it is found in accepting
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at least on occasion that you in fact
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probably did something wrong it is found
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in working through this understanding
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and it is found in understanding that
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some understandings will never quite be
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reached and some problems will never
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quite be solved the author B hooks wrote
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true love is unconditional but to truly
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flourish it requires an ongoing
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commitment to constructive struggle and
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change the heartbeat of true love is the
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willingness to reflect on one's actions
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and to process and communicate this
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reflection with the loved
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one of course in the end love will
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inevitably not end well life does not
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end well of course love will be painful
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and filled with uncertainties and
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confusions life is a treachery of these
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things of course we won't find someone
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that takes the pain of Life Away nothing
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can
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of course we won't ever find the right
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person there are no right people but
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ultimately think to yourself if you're
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going to live in and through this pit of
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existence with all its pains and
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uncertainties and challenges do you want
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to fight for and work towards something
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meaningful or not if yes is having
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someone to help with and share in the
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sufferings together to laugh at the
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absurdities together and to occasionally
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triumph over the hardships together
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meaningful if yes then try to love work
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toward and learn to love make it a goal
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like anything else not to attain but to
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get better at when one wants to become
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physically healthier or financially more
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well off one doesn't accomplish these
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things by waiting around with the same
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knowhow and skills they put effort
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toward understanding how to eat
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healthier or make better financial
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decisions and they practice the habits
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and skills required to do so in many
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ways love is no different we should not
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expect love to save us but we can
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perhaps with the right effort and
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patience find that it can help make the
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inability to ever be saved more
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endurable and worth
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enduring of course love is not for
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everyone and will not work out for
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everyone even if they do everything
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right like anything else luck is the
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ultimate Arbiter of success and for some
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it might Simply Be of less interest than
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living a meaningful Life as a single
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person which is entirely reasonable and
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achievable modern culture undoubtedly
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glorifies relationships as a
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universality which they are not what's
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important however is no knowing what is
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important to you what you value and find
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meaningful and ensuring that your
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perspective is not just the sour grapes
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of a misguided belief in an impossible
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ideal if love is important to you throw
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out the ideal and build something real
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something you can attain and manage and
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love something that amongst very few
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things you can look back on at the end
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of your life and tear up about not at
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the loss of it but at the Indescribable
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connection and meaning you got to
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experience and share with the another
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person you picked out that one person
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you fought for that one person you
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believed in that one person you worked
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through yourself and them with and for
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that one person you learn more about and
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from that one person than anyone else
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you loved that one person in the words
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of xek love for me is an extremely
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violent act love is not I love you all
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love means I pick out something even if
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this something is just a small detail a
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fragile individual person I say I love
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you more than anything else in this
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quite formal sense Love is
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[Music]
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[Music]
