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[Music]
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waiting between the trees
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my daughter has put me in the tiniest of
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rooms in her new house
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this is the guest bedroom lina said in
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her proud american way
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i smiled but to chinese ways of thinking
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the guest bedroom is the best bedroom
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where she and her husband sleep
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i do not tell her this her wisdom is
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like a bottomless pond
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you throw stones in and they sink into
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the darkness and dissolve
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her eyes looking back do not reflect
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anything
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i think this to myself even though i
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love my daughter
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she and i have shared the same body
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there's a part of her mind that is part
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of mine
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but when she was born she sprang from me
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like a slippery fish
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and has been swimming away ever since
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all her life i have watched her though
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from another show
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and now i must tell her everything about
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my past it is the only way to penetrate
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her skin
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and pull her to where she can be saved
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this room has ceilings that slope
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downward toward the pillow of my bed its
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walls close in like a coffin i should
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remind my daughter not to put any babies
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in this room
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but i know she will not listen she has
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already said she does not want any
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babies
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she and her husband are too busy drawing
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places that someone else will build and
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someone else will live
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in i cannot say the american word that
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she and her husband are
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it is an ugly word arti
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techie i once pronounced it to my
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sister-in-law
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my daughter had laughed when she heard
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this when she was a child
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i should have slapped her more often for
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disrespect but now it is too late
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now she and her husband give me money to
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add to my social security
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so the burning feeling i have in my hand
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sometimes i must pull it back into my
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heart and keep it inside
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what good does it do to draw fancy
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buildings and then live in one that is
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useless
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my daughter has money but everything in
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a house is for looking
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not even for good looking look at this
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end table
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it is heavy white marble on skinny black
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legs a person must always think not to
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put a heavy bag on this table or it will
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break
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the only thing that can sit on the table
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is a tall black vas
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the vows is like a spider leg so thin
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only one flower can be put in
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if you shake the table the vas and
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flower will fall down
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all around this house i see the signs my
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daughter looks but does not see
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this is a house that will break into
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pieces how do i know
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i have always known a thing before it
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happens
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when i was a young girl in wuxi i was
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lee hi
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wild and stubborn i wore a smoke on my
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face too good to listen
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i was small and pretty i had tiny feet
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which made me very vain
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if a pair of silk slippers became dusty
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i threw them away
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i wore costly important calfskin shoes
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with little heels
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i broke many pairs and ruined many
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stockings running across the cobblestone
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courtyard
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i often unraveled my hair and wore it
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loose my mother would look at my wild
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tangles and scold me
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hey ying ying you are like the lady
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ghosts at the bottom of the lake
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these were the ladies who drowned their
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shame and floated in living people's
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houses with their hair undone to show
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their everlasting despair
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my mother said i would bring shame into
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the house but i only giggled as she
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tried to tuck my hair up with
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long pins she loved me too much to get
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angry
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i was like her that was why she named me
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yin-ying
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clear reflection we were one of the
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richest families in wuxi
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we had many rooms each filled with big
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heavy tables
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on each table was a jade jar sealed air
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tight with a jade lid
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each jaw held unfiltered british
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cigarettes always the right amount
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not too much not too little the jars
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were made just for these cigarettes
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i thought nothing of these jars they
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were junk in my mind
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once my brothers and i stole a jar and
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poured the cigarettes out onto the
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streets
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we ran down to a large hole that had
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opened up in the street
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where underneath waterflowed there we
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squatted along with the children who
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lived by the gutter
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we scooped up cups of dirty water hoping
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to find a fish or unknown treasure
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we found nothing and soon our clothes
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were washed over with mud
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and we were unrecognizable from the
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children who lived on the streets
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we had many riches in that house silk
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rugs and jewels
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rare balls and carved ivory but when i
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think back on that house and it is not
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often
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i think of that jade jar the muddy
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treasure i did not know i was holding in
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my hand
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there is another thing i remember
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clearly about that house i was 16
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it was the night my youngest aunt got
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married
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she and her new husband had already
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retired to the room they would share in
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the big house with a new mother-in-law
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and the rest of her new family many of
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the visiting family members lingered at
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our house
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sitting around the big table in the main
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room everybody laughing and eating
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peanuts
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peeling oranges and laughing more a man
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from another town was seated with us
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a friend of my aunt's new husband he was
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older than my oldest brother
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so i called him uncle his face was
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ridden from drinking whiskey
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he called hostly to me as he rose from
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his chair
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maybe you are still hungry isn't it so
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i looked around the table smiling at
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everyone because of the special
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attention given to me
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i thought he would pull a special treat
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from a large sack he was reaching into
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i hoped for some sweetened cookies but
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he pulled out a watermelon and put it on
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the table with a loud pong
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kygo open the watermelon he said
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poising a large knife over the perfect
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fruit
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then he sang the knife in with a mighty
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push and his huge mouth roared a laugh
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so big
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i could see all the way back to his gold
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teeth everybody at the table laughed
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loudly my face burned from embarrassment
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because at that time i did not
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understand yes
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it is true i was a wild girl but i was
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innocent
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i did not know what an evil thing he did
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when he cut open that watermelon
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i did not understand until six months
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later when i was married to this man
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and he hissed drunkenly to me that he
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was ready to kai guar
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this was a man so bad even today i
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cannot speak his name
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why did i marry this man it was because
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the night after my youngest aunt's
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wedding
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i began to know a thing before it
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happened most of the relatives had left
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the next morning
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and by the evening my half-sisters and i
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were bored
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we were sitting at the same large table
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drinking tea
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and eating roasted watermelon seeds my
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half-sisters gossiped loudly
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while i sat cracking seeds and laying
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their flesh in a pile
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my half-sisters were all dreaming of
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being married to worthless young boys
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from families not as good as ours my
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half-sisters did not know how to reach
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very high for a good thing
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they were the daughters of my father's
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concubines i was the daughter of my
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father's wife
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his mother will treat you like a servant
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chided one half-sister upon hearing the
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other's choice
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a madness on his uncle's side retorted
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the other half-sister
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when they tired of teasing one another
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they asked me whom i wanted to marry
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i know of no one i told them hotterly it
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was not that boys did not interest me
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i knew how to attract attention and be
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admired but i was too vain to think any
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one boy was good enough for me
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those were the thoughts in my head but
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thoughts are of two kinds
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some are seeds that are planted when you
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were born placed there by your father
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and mother and their ancestors before
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them
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and some thoughts are planted by others
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maybe it was the watermelon seeds i was
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eating
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i thought of that laughing man from the
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night before
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and just then a large wind blew in from
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the north and the flower on the table
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split from his stem
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and fell at my feet this is the truth
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it was as if a knife had cut the
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flower's head off as a sign
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right then i knew i would marry this man
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it was not with joy that i thought this
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but wonderment that i could know it and
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soon i began to hear this man mentioned
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by my father and
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uncle and aunt's new husband at dinner
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his name was spooned into my bowl along
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with my soup
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i found him staring at me across from my
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uncle's courtyard
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hoo-hooing see she cannot turn away
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she's already mine true enough
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i did not turn away i fought his eyes
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with mine
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i listened to him with my nose held high
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sniffing the stink of his words when he
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told me my father would not likely give
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the dowry he required
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i pushed so hard to keep him from my
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thoughts that i fell into a marriage bed
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with him
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my daughter does not know that i was
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married to this man so long ago
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20 years before she was even born
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she does not know how beautiful i was
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when i married this man
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i was far more pretty than my daughter
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who had country feet
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and a large nose like her father's even
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today
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my skin is still smooth my figure like a
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girl's
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but there are deep lines in my mouth
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where i used to wear smiles
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and my poor feet one so small and pretty
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now they are swollen calloused and
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cracked at the heels
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my eyes so bright and flashy at 16 are
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now yellow stained
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clouded but i see almost everything
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clearly
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when i want to remember it is like
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looking into a bowl
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and finding the last grains of rice you
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did not finish
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there was an afternoon on thai lake soon
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after this men and i married
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i remember this is when i came to love
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him
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this man had turned my face toward the
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late afternoon sun
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he held my chin and stroked my cheek and
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said
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you have tiger eyes they gather fire in
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the day
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at night they shine golden
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i did not laugh even though this was a
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poem he said very badly
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i cried with honest joy i had a swimming
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feeling in my heart
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like a creature thrashing to get out and
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wanting to stay in
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at the same time that is how much i came
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to love this man
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this is how it is when a person joins
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your body and there is a part of your
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mind that swims to join that person
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against your will
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i became a stranger to myself i was
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pretty for him
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if i put slippers on my feet it was to
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choose a pair that i knew would please
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him i brushed my hair 99 times a night
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to bring luck to our marital bed
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in hopes of conceiving a son the night
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he planted the baby
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i again knew a thing before it happened
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i knew it was a boy
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i could see this little boy in my womb
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he had my husband's eyes
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large and wide apart he had long tapered
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fingers fat earlobes and slick hair that
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rose high to reveal a large forehead
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it is because i had so much joy then
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that i came to have so much hate
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but even when i was my happiest i had a
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worry that started right above my brow
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where you know a thing
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this worry later trickled down to my
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heart where you feel a thing
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and it becomes true my husband started
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to take many business trips to the north
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these trips began soon after we married
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but they became longer after the baby
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was put in my womb
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i remembered that the north wind had
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blown luck and my husband my way
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so at night when he was away i opened
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wide my bedroom windows
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even on cold nights to blow his spirit
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and heart back my way
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what i did not know is that the north
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wind is the coldest
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it penetrates the heart and takes the
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warmth away
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the wind gathered such a force that it
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blew my husband past my bedroom and out
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the back door
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i found out from my youngest aunt that
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he had left me to live with an opera
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singer
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later still when i overcame my grief and
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came to have nothing in my heart but
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loathing despair my youngest aunt told
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me of others
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dancers and american ladies prostitutes
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a girl cousin younger
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even than i was she left mysteriously
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for hong kong
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soon after my husband disappeared so i
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will tell leena of my shame
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that i was rich and pretty i was too
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good for any one man
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that i became abandoned good i would
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tell her that at 18
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the prettiness drained from my cheeks
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that i thought of throwing myself in the
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lake like the other ladies of shame
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i will tell her of the baby i killed
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because i came to hate this man
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so much i took this baby from my womb
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before it could be born
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this was not a bad thing to do in china
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back then to kill a baby before it is
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born
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but even then i thought it was bad
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because my body flowed with terrible
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revenge
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as the juices of this man's first born
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son poured from me
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when the nurses asked what they should
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do with the lifeless baby
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i hurled a newspaper at them and said to
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wrap it like a fish and throw it in the
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lake
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my daughter thinks i do not know what it
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means to not want a baby
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when my daughter looks at me she sees a
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small old lady
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that is because she sees only with her
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outside eyes
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she has no true ming no inside knowing
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of things
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if she had two ming she would see her
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tiger lady
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and she would have careful fear
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i was born in the year of the tiger it
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was a very bad year to be born
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a very good year to be a tiger that was
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the year a very bad spirit
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entered the world people in the
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countryside died like chickens on a hot
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summer day
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people the city became shadows went into
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their homes and disappeared
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babies were born and did not get fatter
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the flesh fell off their bones in days
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and they died
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the bad spirit stayed in the world for
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four years but i came from a spirit even
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stronger
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and i lived this is what my mother told
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me when i was old enough to know why i
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was so heart strong in my ways
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then she told me why a tiger is gold and
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black it has two ways
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the gold side leaps with its fierce
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heart the black side stands still with
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cunning
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hiding its goal between trees seeing and
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not being seen
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waiting patiently for things to come i
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did not learn to use my black side
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until after the bad man left me i became
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like the ladies of the lake
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i threw white clothes over the mirrors
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in my bedroom so i did not have to see
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my grief
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i lost my strength so i could not even
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lift my hands to place pins in my hair
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and then i floated like a dead leaf on
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the water until i drifted out of my
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mother-in-law's house
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and back to my family home i went to the
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country outside of shanghai to live with
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the second cousin's family
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i stayed in this country home for 10
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years if you ask me what i did during
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these long years
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i can only say i waited between the
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trees i had one eye asleep
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the other open and watching i did not
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work
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my cousin's family treated me well
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because i was the daughter of the family
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who supported them
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the house was shabby crowded with three
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families
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it was not a comfort to be there and
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that is what i wanted
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babies crawled on the floor with the
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mice chickens came in
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and out like my relatives graceless
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peasant guests we all ate in the kitchen
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and missed the hot frying grease
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and the flies if you left a bowl with
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even a few grains of rice
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you would find it covered with hungry
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flies so thick
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it looked like a living bowl of black
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bean soup
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this is how poor the country was after
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10 years i was ready i was no longer a
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girl but a strange woman
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a still married woman with no husband i
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went to the city with both eyes open
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it was as if the ball of black flies had
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been poured out onto the streets
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everywhere there were people moving
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unknown men pushing against
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unknown women and no one caring with the
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money from my family
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i bought fresh clothes modern straight
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suits
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i cut off my long hair in the manner
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that was stylish
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like a young boy i was so tired of doing
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nothing for so many years i decided to
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work
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i became a shop girl i did not need to
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learn to flatter women
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i knew the words they wanted to hear a
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tiger can make a soft print
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noise deep within its chest and make
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even rabbits feel safe and content
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even though i was a grown woman i became
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pretty again
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this was a gift i wore clothes far
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better
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and more expensive than what was sold in
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the store
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and this made women buy the cheap
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clothes because they thought they could
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look
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as pretty as i it was at this shop
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walking like a peasant that i met
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clifford saint-claire
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he was a large pale american man who
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bought the store's cheap style clothes
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and sent them overseas it was his name
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that made me know i would marry him
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mr saint claire he said in english when
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he introduced himself to me
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and then he added in his thick flat
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chinese
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like the angel of light i neither liked
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him nor disliked him
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i thought him neither attractive nor
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unattractive but this i knew
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i knew he was the sign that the black
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side of me would soon go away
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saint courted me for four years in his
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strange way
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even though i was not the owner of the
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shop he always greeted me
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shaking hands holding them too long from
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his palms water always poured even after
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we married
00:17:25
he was clean and pleasant but he smelled
00:17:27
like a foreigner
00:17:29
a lamb smell stink that can never be
00:17:31
washed away
00:17:32
i was not unkind but he was curchy
00:17:36
too polite he bought me cheap gifts a
00:17:39
glass figurine a prickly brooch of cut
00:17:41
glass
00:17:42
a silver colored cigarette lighter saint
00:17:45
acted as if these gifts were nothing
00:17:47
as if he were a rich man treating a poor
00:17:49
country girl to things we had never seen
00:17:51
in china
00:17:52
but i saw his look as he watched me open
00:17:54
the boxes
00:17:56
anxious and eager to please he did not
00:17:58
know that such things were nothing to me
00:18:00
that i was raised with riches he could
00:18:01
not even imagine
00:18:03
i always accepted these gifts graciously
00:18:06
always protesting just enough
00:18:08
not too little not too much i did not
00:18:10
encourage him
00:18:12
but because i knew this man would
00:18:13
someday be my husband i put these
00:18:15
worthless trinkets carefully into a box
00:18:17
wrapping each with tissue i knew that
00:18:20
someday he would ask to see them again
00:18:23
lena thinks saint saved me from the poor
00:18:25
country village that i said i was from
00:18:27
she is right she is wrong my daughter
00:18:30
does not know that saint
00:18:31
had to wait patiently for four years
00:18:33
like a dog in front of a butcher shop
00:18:36
how it is that i finally came out and
00:18:37
let her marry me
00:18:39
i was waiting for the sign i knew would
00:18:41
come i had to wait until 1946
00:18:45
a letter came from tian sin not from my
00:18:47
family who thought i was dead
00:18:49
it was from my youngest aunt even before
00:18:51
i opened the letter i knew
00:18:53
my husband was dead he had long since
00:18:55
left his opera singer
00:18:57
he was with some worthless girl a young
00:18:59
servant but she had a strong spirit and
00:19:01
was reckless
00:19:02
more so than even he when he tried to
00:19:04
leave her
00:19:05
she had already sharpened her longest
00:19:07
kitchen knife
00:19:09
i thought this man had long ago drained
00:19:11
everything from my heart
00:19:12
but now something strong and bitter
00:19:14
flowed and made me feel another
00:19:16
emptiness in a place i didn't know was
00:19:18
there
00:19:19
i cursed this man aloud so he could hear
00:19:21
you had dog eyes you jumped and followed
00:19:24
whoever called you
00:19:25
now you chase your own tale so i decided
00:19:29
i decided to let saint mary me so easy
00:19:32
for me
00:19:34
i was the daughter of my father's wife
00:19:37
i spoke in a trembling voice i became
00:19:39
pale ill and more thin
00:19:41
i let myself become a wounded animal i
00:19:44
let the hunter come to me and turn me
00:19:46
into a tiger ghost
00:19:47
i willingly gave up my chi the spirit
00:19:50
that caused me so much pain
00:19:52
now i was a tiger that neither pounced
00:19:54
nor lay waiting between the trees
00:19:56
i became an unseen spirit
00:20:00
saint took me to america where i lived
00:20:02
in houses smaller than the one in the
00:20:04
country
00:20:04
i wore large american clothes i did
00:20:07
servants tasks
00:20:08
i learned the western ways i tried to
00:20:10
speak with a thick tongue
00:20:12
i raised a daughter watching her from
00:20:14
another shore
00:20:15
i accepted her american ways with all
00:20:18
these things i did not care
00:20:20
i had no spirit can i tell my daughter
00:20:23
that i loved her father
00:20:24
this was a man who rubbed my feet at
00:20:26
night he praised the food that i cooked
00:20:29
he cried honestly when i brought out the
00:20:31
trinkets i had saved for the right day
00:20:33
the day he gave me my daughter a tiger
00:20:36
girl
00:20:37
how could i not love this man but it was
00:20:39
the love of a ghost
00:20:41
arms that encircled what did not touch a
00:20:43
bowl full of rice but without my
00:20:45
appetite to eat it
00:20:46
no hunger no fullness now saint is a
00:20:49
ghost
00:20:50
he and i can now love equally he knows
00:20:53
the things i have been hiding all these
00:20:55
years
00:20:56
now i must tell my daughter everything
00:20:58
that she is the daughter of a ghost
00:21:00
she has no chi this is my greatest shame
00:21:04
how can i leave this world without
00:21:06
leaving her my spirit
00:21:08
so this is what i will do i will gather
00:21:11
together my past and look
00:21:13
i will see a thing that has already
00:21:15
happened the pain that cut my spirit
00:21:18
loose
00:21:19
i will hold that pain in my hand until
00:21:21
it becomes hard and shiny more clear
00:21:24
and then my fierceness can come back my
00:21:26
golden side
00:21:27
my black side i will use the sharp pain
00:21:30
to penetrate my daughter's tough skin
00:21:32
and cut her tiger spirit loose she will
00:21:35
fight me
00:21:36
because this is the nature of two tigers
00:21:38
but i will win and give her my spirit
00:21:41
because this is a way a mother loves her
00:21:43
daughter
00:21:45
i hear my daughter speaking to her
00:21:46
husband downstairs
00:21:48
they say words that mean nothing they
00:21:50
sit in a room with no life in it
00:21:53
i know a thing before it happens she
00:21:55
will hear the vars and table crashing to
00:21:58
the floor
00:21:59
she will come up the stairs and into my
00:22:01
room her eyes will see nothing in the
00:22:03
darkness
00:22:04
where i am waiting between the trees
00:22:13
you
