Joy Luck Club- Chapter 14. Waiting Between The Trees( English audio book)

00:22:13
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N89JEv1TfS4

Ringkasan

TLDRThis narrative explores a mother's introspection about her relationship with her daughter, intertwining memories of her past in China with her present life in America. The narrator wanders through her emotions, revealing insights into her daughter's life choices and her own complex history, including past loves, cultural heritage, and personal struggles. Through rich imagery and symbolism, particularly of tigers, the narrator aims to connect with her daughter and impart her spirit, showcasing the desire for understanding and depth in their bond. Ultimately, the story encapsulates the intertwining paths of love, identity, and the quest for generational wisdom.

Takeaways

  • 🌳 A mother's introspection reveals deep emotions.
  • 🇨🇳 The narrator contrasts Chinese and American values.
  • 👧 Personal history shapes the mother's perspective.
  • 🐅 The symbolism of tigers reflects duality in nature.
  • 💔 The longing for connection with the daughter.
  • 🗣️ Communication barriers highlight cultural gaps.
  • 💬 The narrator feels a ghostly love for her husband.
  • 🎨 Vivid imagery evokes memory and nostalgia.
  • 📖 Memories of China juxtaposed with American life.
  • ❤️ The desire to pass on wisdom and spirit.

Garis waktu

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The narrator reflects on her current situation in her daughter's guest bedroom, which she perceives as a confinement, contrasting it with her understanding of guest rooms in Chinese culture. Despite her love for her daughter, she struggles with feelings of disconnection and the need to share her past to truly connect with her. The guest room's symbolic confinement leads to contemplations about her daughter's decision to prioritize career over family and the complexities of their relationship.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    A journey into the past begins as the narrator recalls her childhood experiences in Wuxi, highlighting her beauty, vanity, and familial love, contrasted with the lack of comprehension about her mother's warnings. Symbolic memories, such as the jade jars filled with cigarettes and playful adventures with her brothers, evoke nostalgia. The narrator contemplates themes of wealth and innocence, foreshadowing her later struggles and the folly of her perception as a child.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    The narrative continues with a poignant recollection of a wedding night when she was treated to an unexpected watermelon by a family friend, leading to her eventual marriage to this man. The innocent joy from that night transforms into embarrassment and regret as she recognizes the man’s true nature and her belated understanding of his cruel actions. This pivotal moment marks the start of her journey into a tumultuous marriage, framing her life within the context of societal expectations and personal turmoil.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:22:13

    The narrator’s love for her husband grows complex while plagued by worry of abandonment as he takes frequent business trips. Her despair deepens as her husband pursues infidelity. The burden of her past, including an unthinkable tragedy involving the loss of her child, weighs heavily on her, revealing cycles of shame and survival. This narrative arc reveals her transformation from a once vibrant girl into a woman entangled in grief, leading to the realization of her enduring spirit and the intent to share her truth with her daughter.

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Peta Pikiran

Video Tanya Jawab

  • What themes are explored in this text?

    The text explores themes of motherhood, cultural differences, personal history, identity, loss, and the longing to connect with one's child.

  • What does the narrator think about her daughter’s life choices?

    The narrator reflects on her daughter's American lifestyle and choices, expressing feelings of concern and a desire to share her own experiences.

  • How does the narrator describe her past?

    The narrator describes her past with nostalgia and regret, recalling her life in China, her marriage, and the challenges she faced.

  • What is the significance of the tiger in the text?

    The tiger symbolizes strength, resilience, and the dual nature of the narrator’s character—her fierce heart and her cunning side.

  • How does the narrator see her daughter?

    The narrator sees her daughter as a reflection of herself but feels that her daughter lacks the deeper understanding of their shared heritage.

  • What does the narrator plan to do with her past?

    The narrator plans to confront her past and share it with her daughter in hopes of passing on her spirit and wisdom.

  • What emotional tone does the narrator evoke?

    The tone is contemplative, poignant, and filled with longing as the narrator navigates her feelings towards her daughter and her own history.

  • What imagery is frequently used in the text?

    Imagery of nature, particularly trees and water, is used to convey feelings of waiting, reflection, and transformation.

  • What cultural differences are highlighted?

    The text highlights the cultural differences between Chinese and American values, particularly regarding family, identity, and expectations.

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Teks
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Gulir Otomatis:
  • 00:00:01
    [Music]
  • 00:00:09
    waiting between the trees
  • 00:00:13
    my daughter has put me in the tiniest of
  • 00:00:15
    rooms in her new house
  • 00:00:17
    this is the guest bedroom lina said in
  • 00:00:19
    her proud american way
  • 00:00:21
    i smiled but to chinese ways of thinking
  • 00:00:24
    the guest bedroom is the best bedroom
  • 00:00:26
    where she and her husband sleep
  • 00:00:27
    i do not tell her this her wisdom is
  • 00:00:30
    like a bottomless pond
  • 00:00:32
    you throw stones in and they sink into
  • 00:00:34
    the darkness and dissolve
  • 00:00:35
    her eyes looking back do not reflect
  • 00:00:37
    anything
  • 00:00:39
    i think this to myself even though i
  • 00:00:41
    love my daughter
  • 00:00:42
    she and i have shared the same body
  • 00:00:44
    there's a part of her mind that is part
  • 00:00:46
    of mine
  • 00:00:47
    but when she was born she sprang from me
  • 00:00:49
    like a slippery fish
  • 00:00:51
    and has been swimming away ever since
  • 00:00:53
    all her life i have watched her though
  • 00:00:55
    from another show
  • 00:00:57
    and now i must tell her everything about
  • 00:00:58
    my past it is the only way to penetrate
  • 00:01:01
    her skin
  • 00:01:02
    and pull her to where she can be saved
  • 00:01:05
    this room has ceilings that slope
  • 00:01:06
    downward toward the pillow of my bed its
  • 00:01:09
    walls close in like a coffin i should
  • 00:01:12
    remind my daughter not to put any babies
  • 00:01:14
    in this room
  • 00:01:15
    but i know she will not listen she has
  • 00:01:17
    already said she does not want any
  • 00:01:19
    babies
  • 00:01:20
    she and her husband are too busy drawing
  • 00:01:22
    places that someone else will build and
  • 00:01:24
    someone else will live
  • 00:01:26
    in i cannot say the american word that
  • 00:01:28
    she and her husband are
  • 00:01:30
    it is an ugly word arti
  • 00:01:33
    techie i once pronounced it to my
  • 00:01:35
    sister-in-law
  • 00:01:36
    my daughter had laughed when she heard
  • 00:01:38
    this when she was a child
  • 00:01:39
    i should have slapped her more often for
  • 00:01:41
    disrespect but now it is too late
  • 00:01:43
    now she and her husband give me money to
  • 00:01:46
    add to my social security
  • 00:01:48
    so the burning feeling i have in my hand
  • 00:01:50
    sometimes i must pull it back into my
  • 00:01:52
    heart and keep it inside
  • 00:01:54
    what good does it do to draw fancy
  • 00:01:56
    buildings and then live in one that is
  • 00:01:58
    useless
  • 00:01:58
    my daughter has money but everything in
  • 00:02:01
    a house is for looking
  • 00:02:02
    not even for good looking look at this
  • 00:02:04
    end table
  • 00:02:05
    it is heavy white marble on skinny black
  • 00:02:08
    legs a person must always think not to
  • 00:02:10
    put a heavy bag on this table or it will
  • 00:02:12
    break
  • 00:02:13
    the only thing that can sit on the table
  • 00:02:15
    is a tall black vas
  • 00:02:17
    the vows is like a spider leg so thin
  • 00:02:19
    only one flower can be put in
  • 00:02:22
    if you shake the table the vas and
  • 00:02:24
    flower will fall down
  • 00:02:26
    all around this house i see the signs my
  • 00:02:28
    daughter looks but does not see
  • 00:02:30
    this is a house that will break into
  • 00:02:32
    pieces how do i know
  • 00:02:34
    i have always known a thing before it
  • 00:02:36
    happens
  • 00:02:37
    when i was a young girl in wuxi i was
  • 00:02:40
    lee hi
  • 00:02:41
    wild and stubborn i wore a smoke on my
  • 00:02:43
    face too good to listen
  • 00:02:45
    i was small and pretty i had tiny feet
  • 00:02:47
    which made me very vain
  • 00:02:49
    if a pair of silk slippers became dusty
  • 00:02:52
    i threw them away
  • 00:02:53
    i wore costly important calfskin shoes
  • 00:02:55
    with little heels
  • 00:02:57
    i broke many pairs and ruined many
  • 00:02:59
    stockings running across the cobblestone
  • 00:03:01
    courtyard
  • 00:03:02
    i often unraveled my hair and wore it
  • 00:03:04
    loose my mother would look at my wild
  • 00:03:06
    tangles and scold me
  • 00:03:09
    hey ying ying you are like the lady
  • 00:03:12
    ghosts at the bottom of the lake
  • 00:03:14
    these were the ladies who drowned their
  • 00:03:16
    shame and floated in living people's
  • 00:03:18
    houses with their hair undone to show
  • 00:03:20
    their everlasting despair
  • 00:03:22
    my mother said i would bring shame into
  • 00:03:24
    the house but i only giggled as she
  • 00:03:26
    tried to tuck my hair up with
  • 00:03:27
    long pins she loved me too much to get
  • 00:03:29
    angry
  • 00:03:30
    i was like her that was why she named me
  • 00:03:33
    yin-ying
  • 00:03:34
    clear reflection we were one of the
  • 00:03:36
    richest families in wuxi
  • 00:03:38
    we had many rooms each filled with big
  • 00:03:40
    heavy tables
  • 00:03:41
    on each table was a jade jar sealed air
  • 00:03:44
    tight with a jade lid
  • 00:03:46
    each jaw held unfiltered british
  • 00:03:47
    cigarettes always the right amount
  • 00:03:49
    not too much not too little the jars
  • 00:03:52
    were made just for these cigarettes
  • 00:03:54
    i thought nothing of these jars they
  • 00:03:56
    were junk in my mind
  • 00:03:57
    once my brothers and i stole a jar and
  • 00:03:59
    poured the cigarettes out onto the
  • 00:04:01
    streets
  • 00:04:02
    we ran down to a large hole that had
  • 00:04:04
    opened up in the street
  • 00:04:05
    where underneath waterflowed there we
  • 00:04:08
    squatted along with the children who
  • 00:04:09
    lived by the gutter
  • 00:04:10
    we scooped up cups of dirty water hoping
  • 00:04:13
    to find a fish or unknown treasure
  • 00:04:15
    we found nothing and soon our clothes
  • 00:04:17
    were washed over with mud
  • 00:04:18
    and we were unrecognizable from the
  • 00:04:20
    children who lived on the streets
  • 00:04:22
    we had many riches in that house silk
  • 00:04:25
    rugs and jewels
  • 00:04:26
    rare balls and carved ivory but when i
  • 00:04:28
    think back on that house and it is not
  • 00:04:30
    often
  • 00:04:31
    i think of that jade jar the muddy
  • 00:04:33
    treasure i did not know i was holding in
  • 00:04:35
    my hand
  • 00:04:36
    there is another thing i remember
  • 00:04:38
    clearly about that house i was 16
  • 00:04:41
    it was the night my youngest aunt got
  • 00:04:43
    married
  • 00:04:44
    she and her new husband had already
  • 00:04:45
    retired to the room they would share in
  • 00:04:47
    the big house with a new mother-in-law
  • 00:04:49
    and the rest of her new family many of
  • 00:04:52
    the visiting family members lingered at
  • 00:04:54
    our house
  • 00:04:55
    sitting around the big table in the main
  • 00:04:56
    room everybody laughing and eating
  • 00:04:59
    peanuts
  • 00:04:59
    peeling oranges and laughing more a man
  • 00:05:02
    from another town was seated with us
  • 00:05:04
    a friend of my aunt's new husband he was
  • 00:05:07
    older than my oldest brother
  • 00:05:09
    so i called him uncle his face was
  • 00:05:12
    ridden from drinking whiskey
  • 00:05:15
    he called hostly to me as he rose from
  • 00:05:18
    his chair
  • 00:05:18
    maybe you are still hungry isn't it so
  • 00:05:22
    i looked around the table smiling at
  • 00:05:24
    everyone because of the special
  • 00:05:26
    attention given to me
  • 00:05:27
    i thought he would pull a special treat
  • 00:05:29
    from a large sack he was reaching into
  • 00:05:31
    i hoped for some sweetened cookies but
  • 00:05:33
    he pulled out a watermelon and put it on
  • 00:05:35
    the table with a loud pong
  • 00:05:38
    kygo open the watermelon he said
  • 00:05:41
    poising a large knife over the perfect
  • 00:05:43
    fruit
  • 00:05:44
    then he sang the knife in with a mighty
  • 00:05:46
    push and his huge mouth roared a laugh
  • 00:05:48
    so big
  • 00:05:49
    i could see all the way back to his gold
  • 00:05:51
    teeth everybody at the table laughed
  • 00:05:54
    loudly my face burned from embarrassment
  • 00:05:56
    because at that time i did not
  • 00:05:57
    understand yes
  • 00:05:59
    it is true i was a wild girl but i was
  • 00:06:02
    innocent
  • 00:06:02
    i did not know what an evil thing he did
  • 00:06:05
    when he cut open that watermelon
  • 00:06:07
    i did not understand until six months
  • 00:06:09
    later when i was married to this man
  • 00:06:11
    and he hissed drunkenly to me that he
  • 00:06:13
    was ready to kai guar
  • 00:06:15
    this was a man so bad even today i
  • 00:06:18
    cannot speak his name
  • 00:06:19
    why did i marry this man it was because
  • 00:06:22
    the night after my youngest aunt's
  • 00:06:23
    wedding
  • 00:06:24
    i began to know a thing before it
  • 00:06:26
    happened most of the relatives had left
  • 00:06:28
    the next morning
  • 00:06:29
    and by the evening my half-sisters and i
  • 00:06:32
    were bored
  • 00:06:33
    we were sitting at the same large table
  • 00:06:35
    drinking tea
  • 00:06:36
    and eating roasted watermelon seeds my
  • 00:06:38
    half-sisters gossiped loudly
  • 00:06:40
    while i sat cracking seeds and laying
  • 00:06:42
    their flesh in a pile
  • 00:06:44
    my half-sisters were all dreaming of
  • 00:06:46
    being married to worthless young boys
  • 00:06:48
    from families not as good as ours my
  • 00:06:50
    half-sisters did not know how to reach
  • 00:06:52
    very high for a good thing
  • 00:06:54
    they were the daughters of my father's
  • 00:06:56
    concubines i was the daughter of my
  • 00:06:58
    father's wife
  • 00:07:00
    his mother will treat you like a servant
  • 00:07:03
    chided one half-sister upon hearing the
  • 00:07:05
    other's choice
  • 00:07:06
    a madness on his uncle's side retorted
  • 00:07:10
    the other half-sister
  • 00:07:11
    when they tired of teasing one another
  • 00:07:13
    they asked me whom i wanted to marry
  • 00:07:16
    i know of no one i told them hotterly it
  • 00:07:19
    was not that boys did not interest me
  • 00:07:21
    i knew how to attract attention and be
  • 00:07:23
    admired but i was too vain to think any
  • 00:07:25
    one boy was good enough for me
  • 00:07:28
    those were the thoughts in my head but
  • 00:07:30
    thoughts are of two kinds
  • 00:07:32
    some are seeds that are planted when you
  • 00:07:33
    were born placed there by your father
  • 00:07:35
    and mother and their ancestors before
  • 00:07:37
    them
  • 00:07:38
    and some thoughts are planted by others
  • 00:07:40
    maybe it was the watermelon seeds i was
  • 00:07:42
    eating
  • 00:07:43
    i thought of that laughing man from the
  • 00:07:45
    night before
  • 00:07:46
    and just then a large wind blew in from
  • 00:07:48
    the north and the flower on the table
  • 00:07:50
    split from his stem
  • 00:07:52
    and fell at my feet this is the truth
  • 00:07:55
    it was as if a knife had cut the
  • 00:07:56
    flower's head off as a sign
  • 00:07:59
    right then i knew i would marry this man
  • 00:08:01
    it was not with joy that i thought this
  • 00:08:03
    but wonderment that i could know it and
  • 00:08:06
    soon i began to hear this man mentioned
  • 00:08:08
    by my father and
  • 00:08:09
    uncle and aunt's new husband at dinner
  • 00:08:12
    his name was spooned into my bowl along
  • 00:08:14
    with my soup
  • 00:08:16
    i found him staring at me across from my
  • 00:08:18
    uncle's courtyard
  • 00:08:19
    hoo-hooing see she cannot turn away
  • 00:08:22
    she's already mine true enough
  • 00:08:26
    i did not turn away i fought his eyes
  • 00:08:29
    with mine
  • 00:08:30
    i listened to him with my nose held high
  • 00:08:32
    sniffing the stink of his words when he
  • 00:08:34
    told me my father would not likely give
  • 00:08:36
    the dowry he required
  • 00:08:38
    i pushed so hard to keep him from my
  • 00:08:39
    thoughts that i fell into a marriage bed
  • 00:08:41
    with him
  • 00:08:43
    my daughter does not know that i was
  • 00:08:44
    married to this man so long ago
  • 00:08:46
    20 years before she was even born
  • 00:08:50
    she does not know how beautiful i was
  • 00:08:51
    when i married this man
  • 00:08:53
    i was far more pretty than my daughter
  • 00:08:55
    who had country feet
  • 00:08:56
    and a large nose like her father's even
  • 00:08:59
    today
  • 00:09:00
    my skin is still smooth my figure like a
  • 00:09:02
    girl's
  • 00:09:03
    but there are deep lines in my mouth
  • 00:09:05
    where i used to wear smiles
  • 00:09:07
    and my poor feet one so small and pretty
  • 00:09:10
    now they are swollen calloused and
  • 00:09:12
    cracked at the heels
  • 00:09:13
    my eyes so bright and flashy at 16 are
  • 00:09:16
    now yellow stained
  • 00:09:17
    clouded but i see almost everything
  • 00:09:20
    clearly
  • 00:09:21
    when i want to remember it is like
  • 00:09:23
    looking into a bowl
  • 00:09:25
    and finding the last grains of rice you
  • 00:09:27
    did not finish
  • 00:09:29
    there was an afternoon on thai lake soon
  • 00:09:31
    after this men and i married
  • 00:09:33
    i remember this is when i came to love
  • 00:09:35
    him
  • 00:09:36
    this man had turned my face toward the
  • 00:09:38
    late afternoon sun
  • 00:09:40
    he held my chin and stroked my cheek and
  • 00:09:42
    said
  • 00:09:44
    you have tiger eyes they gather fire in
  • 00:09:47
    the day
  • 00:09:48
    at night they shine golden
  • 00:09:52
    i did not laugh even though this was a
  • 00:09:54
    poem he said very badly
  • 00:09:56
    i cried with honest joy i had a swimming
  • 00:09:59
    feeling in my heart
  • 00:10:00
    like a creature thrashing to get out and
  • 00:10:02
    wanting to stay in
  • 00:10:04
    at the same time that is how much i came
  • 00:10:06
    to love this man
  • 00:10:08
    this is how it is when a person joins
  • 00:10:10
    your body and there is a part of your
  • 00:10:12
    mind that swims to join that person
  • 00:10:14
    against your will
  • 00:10:16
    i became a stranger to myself i was
  • 00:10:19
    pretty for him
  • 00:10:20
    if i put slippers on my feet it was to
  • 00:10:22
    choose a pair that i knew would please
  • 00:10:24
    him i brushed my hair 99 times a night
  • 00:10:27
    to bring luck to our marital bed
  • 00:10:30
    in hopes of conceiving a son the night
  • 00:10:33
    he planted the baby
  • 00:10:34
    i again knew a thing before it happened
  • 00:10:37
    i knew it was a boy
  • 00:10:38
    i could see this little boy in my womb
  • 00:10:40
    he had my husband's eyes
  • 00:10:42
    large and wide apart he had long tapered
  • 00:10:45
    fingers fat earlobes and slick hair that
  • 00:10:47
    rose high to reveal a large forehead
  • 00:10:50
    it is because i had so much joy then
  • 00:10:53
    that i came to have so much hate
  • 00:10:55
    but even when i was my happiest i had a
  • 00:10:57
    worry that started right above my brow
  • 00:10:59
    where you know a thing
  • 00:11:01
    this worry later trickled down to my
  • 00:11:02
    heart where you feel a thing
  • 00:11:04
    and it becomes true my husband started
  • 00:11:07
    to take many business trips to the north
  • 00:11:09
    these trips began soon after we married
  • 00:11:11
    but they became longer after the baby
  • 00:11:13
    was put in my womb
  • 00:11:15
    i remembered that the north wind had
  • 00:11:17
    blown luck and my husband my way
  • 00:11:19
    so at night when he was away i opened
  • 00:11:22
    wide my bedroom windows
  • 00:11:23
    even on cold nights to blow his spirit
  • 00:11:25
    and heart back my way
  • 00:11:27
    what i did not know is that the north
  • 00:11:29
    wind is the coldest
  • 00:11:30
    it penetrates the heart and takes the
  • 00:11:32
    warmth away
  • 00:11:33
    the wind gathered such a force that it
  • 00:11:35
    blew my husband past my bedroom and out
  • 00:11:37
    the back door
  • 00:11:39
    i found out from my youngest aunt that
  • 00:11:40
    he had left me to live with an opera
  • 00:11:42
    singer
  • 00:11:43
    later still when i overcame my grief and
  • 00:11:46
    came to have nothing in my heart but
  • 00:11:48
    loathing despair my youngest aunt told
  • 00:11:50
    me of others
  • 00:11:51
    dancers and american ladies prostitutes
  • 00:11:54
    a girl cousin younger
  • 00:11:56
    even than i was she left mysteriously
  • 00:11:58
    for hong kong
  • 00:11:59
    soon after my husband disappeared so i
  • 00:12:02
    will tell leena of my shame
  • 00:12:04
    that i was rich and pretty i was too
  • 00:12:06
    good for any one man
  • 00:12:08
    that i became abandoned good i would
  • 00:12:11
    tell her that at 18
  • 00:12:12
    the prettiness drained from my cheeks
  • 00:12:14
    that i thought of throwing myself in the
  • 00:12:16
    lake like the other ladies of shame
  • 00:12:19
    i will tell her of the baby i killed
  • 00:12:22
    because i came to hate this man
  • 00:12:24
    so much i took this baby from my womb
  • 00:12:27
    before it could be born
  • 00:12:29
    this was not a bad thing to do in china
  • 00:12:31
    back then to kill a baby before it is
  • 00:12:34
    born
  • 00:12:34
    but even then i thought it was bad
  • 00:12:36
    because my body flowed with terrible
  • 00:12:38
    revenge
  • 00:12:39
    as the juices of this man's first born
  • 00:12:42
    son poured from me
  • 00:12:43
    when the nurses asked what they should
  • 00:12:45
    do with the lifeless baby
  • 00:12:47
    i hurled a newspaper at them and said to
  • 00:12:49
    wrap it like a fish and throw it in the
  • 00:12:51
    lake
  • 00:12:52
    my daughter thinks i do not know what it
  • 00:12:54
    means to not want a baby
  • 00:12:56
    when my daughter looks at me she sees a
  • 00:12:58
    small old lady
  • 00:13:00
    that is because she sees only with her
  • 00:13:02
    outside eyes
  • 00:13:03
    she has no true ming no inside knowing
  • 00:13:06
    of things
  • 00:13:07
    if she had two ming she would see her
  • 00:13:09
    tiger lady
  • 00:13:10
    and she would have careful fear
  • 00:13:13
    i was born in the year of the tiger it
  • 00:13:16
    was a very bad year to be born
  • 00:13:18
    a very good year to be a tiger that was
  • 00:13:21
    the year a very bad spirit
  • 00:13:22
    entered the world people in the
  • 00:13:24
    countryside died like chickens on a hot
  • 00:13:26
    summer day
  • 00:13:28
    people the city became shadows went into
  • 00:13:30
    their homes and disappeared
  • 00:13:32
    babies were born and did not get fatter
  • 00:13:34
    the flesh fell off their bones in days
  • 00:13:36
    and they died
  • 00:13:38
    the bad spirit stayed in the world for
  • 00:13:40
    four years but i came from a spirit even
  • 00:13:42
    stronger
  • 00:13:43
    and i lived this is what my mother told
  • 00:13:46
    me when i was old enough to know why i
  • 00:13:48
    was so heart strong in my ways
  • 00:13:51
    then she told me why a tiger is gold and
  • 00:13:53
    black it has two ways
  • 00:13:55
    the gold side leaps with its fierce
  • 00:13:57
    heart the black side stands still with
  • 00:13:59
    cunning
  • 00:14:00
    hiding its goal between trees seeing and
  • 00:14:02
    not being seen
  • 00:14:04
    waiting patiently for things to come i
  • 00:14:06
    did not learn to use my black side
  • 00:14:08
    until after the bad man left me i became
  • 00:14:12
    like the ladies of the lake
  • 00:14:14
    i threw white clothes over the mirrors
  • 00:14:16
    in my bedroom so i did not have to see
  • 00:14:18
    my grief
  • 00:14:19
    i lost my strength so i could not even
  • 00:14:21
    lift my hands to place pins in my hair
  • 00:14:24
    and then i floated like a dead leaf on
  • 00:14:26
    the water until i drifted out of my
  • 00:14:28
    mother-in-law's house
  • 00:14:29
    and back to my family home i went to the
  • 00:14:32
    country outside of shanghai to live with
  • 00:14:34
    the second cousin's family
  • 00:14:36
    i stayed in this country home for 10
  • 00:14:38
    years if you ask me what i did during
  • 00:14:41
    these long years
  • 00:14:42
    i can only say i waited between the
  • 00:14:44
    trees i had one eye asleep
  • 00:14:46
    the other open and watching i did not
  • 00:14:49
    work
  • 00:14:50
    my cousin's family treated me well
  • 00:14:52
    because i was the daughter of the family
  • 00:14:54
    who supported them
  • 00:14:55
    the house was shabby crowded with three
  • 00:14:57
    families
  • 00:14:58
    it was not a comfort to be there and
  • 00:15:00
    that is what i wanted
  • 00:15:02
    babies crawled on the floor with the
  • 00:15:04
    mice chickens came in
  • 00:15:06
    and out like my relatives graceless
  • 00:15:07
    peasant guests we all ate in the kitchen
  • 00:15:10
    and missed the hot frying grease
  • 00:15:12
    and the flies if you left a bowl with
  • 00:15:14
    even a few grains of rice
  • 00:15:16
    you would find it covered with hungry
  • 00:15:18
    flies so thick
  • 00:15:19
    it looked like a living bowl of black
  • 00:15:21
    bean soup
  • 00:15:22
    this is how poor the country was after
  • 00:15:26
    10 years i was ready i was no longer a
  • 00:15:28
    girl but a strange woman
  • 00:15:30
    a still married woman with no husband i
  • 00:15:33
    went to the city with both eyes open
  • 00:15:36
    it was as if the ball of black flies had
  • 00:15:38
    been poured out onto the streets
  • 00:15:40
    everywhere there were people moving
  • 00:15:42
    unknown men pushing against
  • 00:15:44
    unknown women and no one caring with the
  • 00:15:47
    money from my family
  • 00:15:48
    i bought fresh clothes modern straight
  • 00:15:50
    suits
  • 00:15:51
    i cut off my long hair in the manner
  • 00:15:53
    that was stylish
  • 00:15:54
    like a young boy i was so tired of doing
  • 00:15:57
    nothing for so many years i decided to
  • 00:16:00
    work
  • 00:16:01
    i became a shop girl i did not need to
  • 00:16:04
    learn to flatter women
  • 00:16:05
    i knew the words they wanted to hear a
  • 00:16:08
    tiger can make a soft print
  • 00:16:10
    noise deep within its chest and make
  • 00:16:13
    even rabbits feel safe and content
  • 00:16:16
    even though i was a grown woman i became
  • 00:16:18
    pretty again
  • 00:16:19
    this was a gift i wore clothes far
  • 00:16:22
    better
  • 00:16:23
    and more expensive than what was sold in
  • 00:16:25
    the store
  • 00:16:26
    and this made women buy the cheap
  • 00:16:28
    clothes because they thought they could
  • 00:16:30
    look
  • 00:16:30
    as pretty as i it was at this shop
  • 00:16:34
    walking like a peasant that i met
  • 00:16:36
    clifford saint-claire
  • 00:16:38
    he was a large pale american man who
  • 00:16:41
    bought the store's cheap style clothes
  • 00:16:43
    and sent them overseas it was his name
  • 00:16:46
    that made me know i would marry him
  • 00:16:48
    mr saint claire he said in english when
  • 00:16:51
    he introduced himself to me
  • 00:16:53
    and then he added in his thick flat
  • 00:16:56
    chinese
  • 00:16:57
    like the angel of light i neither liked
  • 00:17:01
    him nor disliked him
  • 00:17:02
    i thought him neither attractive nor
  • 00:17:04
    unattractive but this i knew
  • 00:17:07
    i knew he was the sign that the black
  • 00:17:09
    side of me would soon go away
  • 00:17:11
    saint courted me for four years in his
  • 00:17:13
    strange way
  • 00:17:14
    even though i was not the owner of the
  • 00:17:16
    shop he always greeted me
  • 00:17:18
    shaking hands holding them too long from
  • 00:17:21
    his palms water always poured even after
  • 00:17:24
    we married
  • 00:17:25
    he was clean and pleasant but he smelled
  • 00:17:27
    like a foreigner
  • 00:17:29
    a lamb smell stink that can never be
  • 00:17:31
    washed away
  • 00:17:32
    i was not unkind but he was curchy
  • 00:17:36
    too polite he bought me cheap gifts a
  • 00:17:39
    glass figurine a prickly brooch of cut
  • 00:17:41
    glass
  • 00:17:42
    a silver colored cigarette lighter saint
  • 00:17:45
    acted as if these gifts were nothing
  • 00:17:47
    as if he were a rich man treating a poor
  • 00:17:49
    country girl to things we had never seen
  • 00:17:51
    in china
  • 00:17:52
    but i saw his look as he watched me open
  • 00:17:54
    the boxes
  • 00:17:56
    anxious and eager to please he did not
  • 00:17:58
    know that such things were nothing to me
  • 00:18:00
    that i was raised with riches he could
  • 00:18:01
    not even imagine
  • 00:18:03
    i always accepted these gifts graciously
  • 00:18:06
    always protesting just enough
  • 00:18:08
    not too little not too much i did not
  • 00:18:10
    encourage him
  • 00:18:12
    but because i knew this man would
  • 00:18:13
    someday be my husband i put these
  • 00:18:15
    worthless trinkets carefully into a box
  • 00:18:17
    wrapping each with tissue i knew that
  • 00:18:20
    someday he would ask to see them again
  • 00:18:23
    lena thinks saint saved me from the poor
  • 00:18:25
    country village that i said i was from
  • 00:18:27
    she is right she is wrong my daughter
  • 00:18:30
    does not know that saint
  • 00:18:31
    had to wait patiently for four years
  • 00:18:33
    like a dog in front of a butcher shop
  • 00:18:36
    how it is that i finally came out and
  • 00:18:37
    let her marry me
  • 00:18:39
    i was waiting for the sign i knew would
  • 00:18:41
    come i had to wait until 1946
  • 00:18:45
    a letter came from tian sin not from my
  • 00:18:47
    family who thought i was dead
  • 00:18:49
    it was from my youngest aunt even before
  • 00:18:51
    i opened the letter i knew
  • 00:18:53
    my husband was dead he had long since
  • 00:18:55
    left his opera singer
  • 00:18:57
    he was with some worthless girl a young
  • 00:18:59
    servant but she had a strong spirit and
  • 00:19:01
    was reckless
  • 00:19:02
    more so than even he when he tried to
  • 00:19:04
    leave her
  • 00:19:05
    she had already sharpened her longest
  • 00:19:07
    kitchen knife
  • 00:19:09
    i thought this man had long ago drained
  • 00:19:11
    everything from my heart
  • 00:19:12
    but now something strong and bitter
  • 00:19:14
    flowed and made me feel another
  • 00:19:16
    emptiness in a place i didn't know was
  • 00:19:18
    there
  • 00:19:19
    i cursed this man aloud so he could hear
  • 00:19:21
    you had dog eyes you jumped and followed
  • 00:19:24
    whoever called you
  • 00:19:25
    now you chase your own tale so i decided
  • 00:19:29
    i decided to let saint mary me so easy
  • 00:19:32
    for me
  • 00:19:34
    i was the daughter of my father's wife
  • 00:19:37
    i spoke in a trembling voice i became
  • 00:19:39
    pale ill and more thin
  • 00:19:41
    i let myself become a wounded animal i
  • 00:19:44
    let the hunter come to me and turn me
  • 00:19:46
    into a tiger ghost
  • 00:19:47
    i willingly gave up my chi the spirit
  • 00:19:50
    that caused me so much pain
  • 00:19:52
    now i was a tiger that neither pounced
  • 00:19:54
    nor lay waiting between the trees
  • 00:19:56
    i became an unseen spirit
  • 00:20:00
    saint took me to america where i lived
  • 00:20:02
    in houses smaller than the one in the
  • 00:20:04
    country
  • 00:20:04
    i wore large american clothes i did
  • 00:20:07
    servants tasks
  • 00:20:08
    i learned the western ways i tried to
  • 00:20:10
    speak with a thick tongue
  • 00:20:12
    i raised a daughter watching her from
  • 00:20:14
    another shore
  • 00:20:15
    i accepted her american ways with all
  • 00:20:18
    these things i did not care
  • 00:20:20
    i had no spirit can i tell my daughter
  • 00:20:23
    that i loved her father
  • 00:20:24
    this was a man who rubbed my feet at
  • 00:20:26
    night he praised the food that i cooked
  • 00:20:29
    he cried honestly when i brought out the
  • 00:20:31
    trinkets i had saved for the right day
  • 00:20:33
    the day he gave me my daughter a tiger
  • 00:20:36
    girl
  • 00:20:37
    how could i not love this man but it was
  • 00:20:39
    the love of a ghost
  • 00:20:41
    arms that encircled what did not touch a
  • 00:20:43
    bowl full of rice but without my
  • 00:20:45
    appetite to eat it
  • 00:20:46
    no hunger no fullness now saint is a
  • 00:20:49
    ghost
  • 00:20:50
    he and i can now love equally he knows
  • 00:20:53
    the things i have been hiding all these
  • 00:20:55
    years
  • 00:20:56
    now i must tell my daughter everything
  • 00:20:58
    that she is the daughter of a ghost
  • 00:21:00
    she has no chi this is my greatest shame
  • 00:21:04
    how can i leave this world without
  • 00:21:06
    leaving her my spirit
  • 00:21:08
    so this is what i will do i will gather
  • 00:21:11
    together my past and look
  • 00:21:13
    i will see a thing that has already
  • 00:21:15
    happened the pain that cut my spirit
  • 00:21:18
    loose
  • 00:21:19
    i will hold that pain in my hand until
  • 00:21:21
    it becomes hard and shiny more clear
  • 00:21:24
    and then my fierceness can come back my
  • 00:21:26
    golden side
  • 00:21:27
    my black side i will use the sharp pain
  • 00:21:30
    to penetrate my daughter's tough skin
  • 00:21:32
    and cut her tiger spirit loose she will
  • 00:21:35
    fight me
  • 00:21:36
    because this is the nature of two tigers
  • 00:21:38
    but i will win and give her my spirit
  • 00:21:41
    because this is a way a mother loves her
  • 00:21:43
    daughter
  • 00:21:45
    i hear my daughter speaking to her
  • 00:21:46
    husband downstairs
  • 00:21:48
    they say words that mean nothing they
  • 00:21:50
    sit in a room with no life in it
  • 00:21:53
    i know a thing before it happens she
  • 00:21:55
    will hear the vars and table crashing to
  • 00:21:58
    the floor
  • 00:21:59
    she will come up the stairs and into my
  • 00:22:01
    room her eyes will see nothing in the
  • 00:22:03
    darkness
  • 00:22:04
    where i am waiting between the trees
  • 00:22:13
    you
Tags
  • Motherhood
  • Cultural Differences
  • Identity
  • Personal History
  • Loss
  • Reflections
  • Chinese Heritage
  • American Life
  • Generational Wisdom
  • Emotional Journey