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Welcome to The Daily Show how are you my
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name is John Stewart thank you oh man we
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we got thank you w God we got a great
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show boy tonight I'm very excited um as
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you can see I am I am fully healed oh we
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see this is what caused all the
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commotion uh they glued it back together
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where is it they glued it back together
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boom that's all that's it that's what
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nearly brought an old man
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down a tiny puncture wound that all the
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blood in my body went let's
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go uh we got a hell of a show tonight my
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guess sociologist and author Matthew
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Desmond is Gonna
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Be
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Love they love
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him fresh off his upset win as best
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supporting actor uh and the crowd goes
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well but first uh if I can just pick up
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uh something from the last time that I
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was out here I I'd made a bit of a
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critique of Elon Musk and the Doge
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program let me let me reset uh the scene
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[Applause]
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um uh I I am not allowed to have big boy
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mugs
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anymore there was there was an actual
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meeting of the safety department of
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Paramount and Viacom that was like no
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more ceramic for Mr Stewart
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so they they wanted to Baby proof so
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this
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is anyway uh we had some critiques about
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Doge after the show Governor musk
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tweeted or xed uh I guess that he would
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like to come on here and and talk to me
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as long as the show airs
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unedited so I thought about
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it and after a a prayerful week with my
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family
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well a family
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um Family Hall Pass
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situation you don't want to
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know you don't want to know and quite
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frankly I don't want to know
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but after thinking about uh his offer I
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thought you know
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hey that's actually how the in studio
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interviews normally
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are is is unedited
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so
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sure uh we we'd be delighted uh as a
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matter of
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fact let me sweeten or unsweeten the pot
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the interview can be 15 minutes it can
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be an hour it could be two hours
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whatever uh I'll be honest I don't think
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this network makes any other
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programming so we could do whatever the
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we
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want as long as we rrap before the new
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season of South Park which comes out
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like May or June of
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2026 so uh I am game I think it'll be a
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very interesting conversation but then I
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I checked x uh again and I saw another
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uh tweet from Elon because uh you can't
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not and uh he then said after saying I'd
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like to come on uh John Stewart cannot
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be trusted uh and and that I am a
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propagandist
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and you give me too little
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credit and that I am not uh
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bipartisan again uh the guy who custom
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made his own dark Maga hat
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that he wears to opine in the Oval
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Office with the president who he spent
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$270 million to
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elect thinks I'm just too
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partisan I I'm really not sure what he
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thinks bipartisan means but it's
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generally not I support Donald Trump and
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also Germany's afd party that that's not
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bipartisan that's just the same so
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uh I guess what I would say is this uh
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look Elon uh I do have some uh
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criticisms about Doge I support in
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general the idea of efficiency and
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delivering better services to the
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American public in cheaper and more
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efficient ways and if you want to come
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on and talk about it on the show uh
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great uh if you don't want to sure but
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can we just drop the pretense that you
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won't do it because I don't measure up
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to the standards of neutral discourse
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that you demand and display at all times
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because quite frankly
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that's
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you know it I know it
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but let's get to the big story
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Americans are still trying to process
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the global realignment that has occurred
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following the disastrous Oval Office
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meeting between the president JD Vance
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and Vladimir zalinski what happened they
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say are we still America they say who
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sideway on they say it's
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complicated the best way that I can expl
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explain what happened and show Americans
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uh how to process this new reality was
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with another shocking turn of events
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from this weekend on Saturday night at
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the elimination chamber the WWE shock
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the world as John Cena turn heel joined
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the Rock and attacked Cody
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rhods
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now if that does not immediately Ely
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explain to you our current geopolitical
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climate you must have grown out of
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watching wrestling through the normal
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course of
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Aging I on the other
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hand understand this in my
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bows this explains it folks all of your
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shock all of your disappointment all of
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your anger it's in there it's in the
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squared Circle you see Saturday night oh
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we're doing
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this Saturday
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night John
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Cena the good guy of professional
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wrestling Mr Hustle the champ the man
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who stood for everything truth justice
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the guy who literally holds the record
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for the most make A- Wish Foundation
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meetings of all time people would get
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cancer just to meet John Cena
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[Applause]
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last weekend Cena fli the script and
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went from being a face a good guy to a
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heel a bad guy now if you don't follow
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professional wrestling and I'm guessing
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if you watch this show you do
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not judging judging from all right but
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let me continue to bore you with this
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met
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metaphor so here's what happened the
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current WWE champion is one Cody
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[Applause]
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rhs seven people say
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around Cody rhods is the people's champ
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unquestioned bravery he stands in for
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zalinski in this metaphor couple of
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weeks ago the rock the now evil owner of
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the
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WWE Putin in our
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story made Cody rhods an offer the one
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thing that I want more than anything in
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this
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world is
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that I want your
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[Applause]
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soul he wants zinsky so but sir but sir
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I am smaller and weaker than
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you it will take incredible bravery for
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me to protect my soul and the soul of my
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people but luckily I am not protecting
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my soul
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alone for I have the support of the
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great John
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Cena so Cody rhods zalinski told
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Vladimir Putin Rock no soul for you
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motherucker and that's when they met in
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the Oval Office America went to hug
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zalinski but when America looked up
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somehow Putin had given John Cena the
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international sign for its time and
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rather than repudiate Putin America
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smelled what The Rock was cooking and
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through that bsty Haze America delivered
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the
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nutshot the nutshot to the hopes and
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dreams of ukrainians everywhere
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and then for no reason America jumped on
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selinski and started punching him in the
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face as many times as he
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could too simplistic
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no this is
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it am I uh being too simplistic
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assigning to the delicate art of real
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politique a scripted outcome perhaps but
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judge for yourself Putin broken 25 times
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his own signature 25 times he broken
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cire you're in no position to dictate
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what we're going to feel you're not in a
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good position you don't have the cards
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right now you're gambling with World War
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II you're gambling with World War II
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have you said thank you once this entire
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meeting we gave you through this stupid
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president $350 billion you're either
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going to make a deal or we're out this
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is going to be great television I will
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say
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that it sure
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wasn't but isn't that what you want from
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the high stakes diplomacy and real life
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urgency that ending war demands and you
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know even reporters got some nut shots
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in why don't you wear a suit oh no
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you
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didn't let's do the dozens oh zilinski
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you're so poor and War torn you're down
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to one Brook's brother
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oh
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you've you've so War torn you've
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given up the meaningless Protocols of
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business
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attire if you think I'm pushing this
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metaphor look at the stunned faces in
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the crowd at
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WWE when John Cena turned
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heel I now present you the equally
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stunned faces of those watching this
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Oval Office pay-per-view Scott I've
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never seen anything like that you've
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never seen anything like that wow uh
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just wow that was uh that was something
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Caitlyn I I want to start with look at
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her face I mean
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[Applause]
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Christian you broke Christiana
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Alor the woman wanders unprotected
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through Taliban controlled Afghanistan
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doesn't give
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a 10 minutes of trump diplomacy and
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she's like is anyone else
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dizzy my A1C is
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plunging now of course there is one big
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difference between the
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WWE and the world of politics in the WWE
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they seem very clear on who the good
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guys and who the bad guys are nobody
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walked out of the match pretending that
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the guy who got nutshot was the bad guy
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there was this attitude of ungrateful
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seeing his smirk seeing him roll his
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eyes seeing him refer to JD Vance the
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vice president as JD he shows up in his
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Equinox Chic outfit to the dog on oal
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office president sininsky was also
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antagonistic and frankly he was rude so
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impertinent so disrespectful tone deaf
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going in and fighting back getting sassy
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with the president and the he sassy he
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was sassy he was sassy
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[Applause]
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he was a real
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scallywag you know what I would say if I
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was there in the Oval Office with him
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I'd say you better watch your tone
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Mis I think it was Churchill who during
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World War II was roundly criticized for
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being a bit
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Lippy excuse me Mr we'll decide where
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you're going to fight them whether it's
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on the beaches or not or
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whatever poor guy zalinski his nation
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was invaded he's Against All Odds held
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off a much bigger Army for 3 years and
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we're like would it kill you to smile a
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little
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more dress a little nicer you're
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beautiful country nobody would
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know show off what you got you know what
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I'm talking about maybe some of those
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rare medals I've been hearing some
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about but of course if you criticize
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Trump's very clear hostility to zalinski
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and very clear appreciation of Putin as
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being suspicious or a repudiation of
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American values as they've been outlined
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since World War II Trump's people
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quickly set up Straw Men north of
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Richmond if there are no negotiations
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what is the alternative another four
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years of war we're not saying there
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should be no negotiations we're just
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surprised at the side you seem to be
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negotiating for president Trump
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recognizes the urgent need to end this
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war after three long bloody years
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president zalinski has different AIMS in
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mind yeah I'm pretty sure
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everybody wants everybody wants to end
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all Hitler wanted to end the war just
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not the way it
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ended you're pretending that we have we
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have no other
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options our hearts all break for the
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suffering and loss and death but you
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know what would be even worse World War
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I yes I'm sure your heart in quotation
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marks is breaking but in your little
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zero some formulation you are correct
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total capit popultion by Ukraine loss of
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all their mineral wealth and no security
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guarantees is still better than World
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War II for now but you know everything
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sounds better if the only other option
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you're presenting us is World War I you
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can listen to the Amelia Perez composer
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freestyle another verse at the
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Oscars or World War
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I eventually
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you will agree to hear another verse by
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hair these guys are so up Trump's ass
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they can't even admit that this meeting
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was Russia's wet dream the world is now
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watching how Trump behaves and acts when
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he's pressed I thought he stood up for
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America that we're a good people we want
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to help you but we're going to be
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respected so I think Moscow is probably
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more afraid of trump than ever
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yes people get terribly afraid when
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someone viciously takes their
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side they must be quaking in their what
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do Russians wearing their feet I don't
00:16:15
is it shoes inside other shoes and then
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they get very small until the last shoe
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that you take off is a tiny shoe and you
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you're really you're positive this has
00:16:24
got to be the last shoe and then but no
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you're little baby tiny shoe little baby
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little baby
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tiny no we
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[Applause]
00:16:48
don't you know what uh Putin must be
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quaking let's get the this is the actual
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Russian State television view on
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Russia's fearfulness
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the new Administration is rapidly
00:17:00
changing all foreign policy
00:17:03
configurations this largely coincides
00:17:06
with our
00:17:07
vision America said do whatever you want
00:17:10
it has nothing to do with us it's such a
00:17:12
pleasure to watch basically he is taking
00:17:15
our bread and butter we wanted to saw
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the Western world into pieces but he
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decided to saw through it
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himself not only are the Russians not
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fearful they're
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delighted do you know how hard it is to
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Delight a
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Russian there's only two ways to do it
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break up the Western Democratic order or
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bear on roller skates it's the only two
00:17:39
ways or so social media dash cam death
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three things really look none of this is
00:17:46
to say zilinski handled this meeting
00:17:49
well everyone knows by now Trump's love
00:17:52
language is subservience if he calls
00:17:54
your wife ugly you praise him if he
00:17:56
calls you Whittle you run his State
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Department and if you're a foreign
00:17:59
leader who wants to be on good terms
00:18:01
with America you got to butter Trump up
00:18:02
like he Texas toast British PM Kier ster
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knows how it's done it is my pleasure to
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bring um from his majesty the king um a
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letter he sends his best wishes um it's
00:18:15
an invitation uh for a second state
00:18:19
visit uh this is really special this has
00:18:22
never happened before this is
00:18:24
unprecedented um and um I think that
00:18:27
just symbolizes
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uh the strength of the relationship
00:18:30
between us so this is a very special
00:18:51
letter that's how you do it
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zinski it's a letter from the
00:18:57
G it's called a wax seal on it it was
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brought here by Harry Potter's
00:19:05
owl what a
00:19:08
delight the the king is throwing you a
00:19:11
ball you'll be the bell of the ball and
00:19:13
then I'll sweep your
00:19:22
chimney zalinski shouldn't have gone in
00:19:25
there with Russia hasn't abided by any
00:19:27
ceasefire agreement so we can't trust
00:19:29
should have gone in there with a dessert
00:19:30
cart and a ke Hotel opportunity so this
00:19:33
meeting has deeply wounded America's
00:19:36
alliance with Ukraine as well as the
00:19:39
rest of Europe and the punditocracy it's
00:19:41
having a hard time figuring out the
00:19:43
strategy I worry that the the president
00:19:46
is actually not interested in a deal
00:19:48
about Ukraine and and but I don't
00:19:51
understand it the question now Jim is
00:19:53
what happens in Europe how does this
00:19:56
make America great again it just does
00:19:58
not make any sense you poor dumb
00:20:04
bastards it makes perfect
00:20:07
sense if only you watched professional
00:20:11
wrestling do you get it it was a heel
00:20:16
turn I'll explain it
00:20:18
again it was a heel turn designed to
00:20:22
create the alliance Trump always wanted
00:20:26
in the first place what's to
00:20:29
understand Trump and the Republicans
00:20:32
like Putin
00:20:35
better just listen to
00:20:38
Putin the radical neoliberalism
00:20:41
destroying Traditional Values the
00:20:43
obsessive emphasis on Race modern cancel
00:20:46
culture it turns into reverse
00:20:48
discrimination Reverse
00:20:52
Racism they invented five or six genders
00:20:55
Transformers trans you see I do not even
00:20:58
understand what it is share toilets for
00:21:00
boys and girls cats marrying dogs uh
00:21:05
Will and Grace reboot I mean come
00:21:09
on it sounds like Putin is primarying
00:21:12
Marjorie Taylor Green from the right a
00:21:15
woman who by the way gives up the whole
00:21:18
point of this realignment the Ukrainian
00:21:21
government is attacking Christians
00:21:23
Russia is not doing that they're not
00:21:25
attacking Christianity as a matter of
00:21:27
fact they seem to be prot in it by
00:21:30
bombing other
00:21:32
Christians so everyone's wondering why
00:21:35
isn't Trump aligning himself with the
00:21:38
West in his mind he is Western
00:21:42
Civilization not Europe to most of us
00:21:46
Russia is not that because we and
00:21:49
historically everyone has used the West
00:21:52
to mean Western values Europe represents
00:21:55
the expansion of Liberties advocated by
00:21:57
great enlight thinkers like Lo voler and
00:22:01
Russo but to Maga this is Europe it's
00:22:08
gay super
00:22:10
gay when Maga talks about Western
00:22:13
Civilization they mean the knight's
00:22:17
Templar still pretty
00:22:20
gay I gotta
00:22:23
say but excitingly
00:22:26
so but that's the thing it's not
00:22:30
democracy versus dictatorship or
00:22:32
capitalism versus communism anymore it's
00:22:34
woke versus unwoke and Russia is not
00:22:38
woke they're very tired they're
00:22:42
Kos it wasn't decided in a particularly
00:22:46
volatile meeting on Friday you got to
00:22:48
give credit where credit is due to magga
00:22:50
architect Steve Bannon they've been
00:22:52
working on taking out the EU for a while
00:22:55
now it's a global Revolt it's a zik
00:22:58
we're on the right side of History the
00:23:00
Beating Heart of the globalist project
00:23:02
is in Brussels by Drive the state
00:23:05
through the Vampire the whole thing will
00:23:08
start to dissipate we'll call it the
00:23:09
movement or the cause or something like
00:23:11
that and that's literally when we take
00:23:12
over the EU holy what a concise
00:23:18
centrally planned social engineering
00:23:21
scheme but here we are the end result of
00:23:24
a scripted Arc that culminates in
00:23:26
America betraying its old Alliance for
00:23:27
the L of a strongman partnership that
00:23:30
carves up the world's Rich bounties and
00:23:32
places classic Democratic Values behind
00:23:35
transactional convenience so say it with
00:23:38
me conspiracy theorists by Design it's a
00:23:42
new world order so Europe
00:23:47
sadly if I may
00:23:55
[Music]
