00:00:00
happiness is like sex everyone wishes
00:00:02
they had more of it yet everyone over
00:00:04
complicates how to get it I mean just
00:00:06
look at the self-help section at your
00:00:08
local bookstore one look at the shelf
00:00:10
and quickly you feel like an innocent
00:00:12
stepdaughter who just walked into an
00:00:13
over intellectualized happiness gangbang
00:00:16
for example the happiness formula The
00:00:18
Happiness Project the science of
00:00:20
Happiness the happiness equation the
00:00:21
algebra of Happiness the happiness
00:00:23
hypothesis you would think that you need
00:00:25
a [ __ ] mathematics degree just to get
00:00:28
out of bed in the morning yet happiness
00:00:30
is actually quite simple and I'm going
00:00:32
to prove it to you my name is Mark
00:00:33
Manson I'm a three times number one New
00:00:35
York Times best-selling author and I've
00:00:37
been studying this stuff for nearly 20
00:00:39
years and in all of that time I boiled
00:00:41
everything you need to know about
00:00:42
happiness down into three simple
00:00:44
questions these questions will get you
00:00:46
99% of the way there and that last
00:00:49
percent well that's what the cocaine and
00:00:51
hookers are for don't threaten me with a
00:00:53
good time
00:00:56
man here's a harsh truth about human
00:00:58
happiness that most people Overlook and
00:01:00
I'm going to explain it to you using
00:01:02
these toy cars when working towards a
00:01:05
goal there are two factors to consider
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distance and
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Direction most people obsess over
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distance because the distance is all
00:01:17
about the score how much weight did I
00:01:19
lose how much money did I make how many
00:01:21
books did I read how many promotions am
00:01:23
I going to get people obsess over
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distance because distance is impressive
00:01:27
to others but what actually matters more
00:01:30
to human happiness is direction
00:01:32
direction is not asking when do I get my
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degree direction is asking which degree
00:01:37
is worth getting it's not asking how
00:01:39
much money am I going to make it's
00:01:41
asking why do I want to make money in
00:01:43
the first place it's not asking how much
00:01:45
weight can I lose it's asking what am I
00:01:47
willing to give up to be
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healthier direction is all about
00:01:52
figuring out what is actually worth
00:01:54
pursuing in the first place because if
00:01:56
you choose the wrong goal or choose it
00:01:57
for the wrong reasons then it's like
00:01:59
driving a car in the wrong direction it
00:02:02
doesn't matter how far you go you're
00:02:04
never going to get to where you want to
00:02:05
get
00:02:07
to this means asking yourself why do you
00:02:10
want the things that you want and be
00:02:12
super honest with yourself is it because
00:02:14
you genuinely value it or are you just
00:02:16
trying to impress a bunch of people who
00:02:18
actually don't give a [ __ ] it's trying
00:02:21
to impress people isn't it here's
00:02:23
another way to think about the first
00:02:24
happiness question which type of
00:02:26
motivation are you psychologists have
00:02:28
identified two types of motivation
00:02:30
intrinsic motivation and extrinsic
00:02:32
motivation intrinsic motivation is
00:02:35
something that you are motivated to do
00:02:36
purely for the pleasure or satisfaction
00:02:39
of doing it this cat is intrinsically
00:02:41
motivated the simple momentum of its own
00:02:43
existence keeps it moving and happily
00:02:45
waving at all of us our passions Hobbies
00:02:48
talents these are all intrinsically
00:02:50
motivated we don't need any outside
00:02:53
encouragement we just do them because we
00:02:55
love them because we're Satisfied by
00:02:57
them aren't you buddy
00:03:01
now extrinsic motivation on the other
00:03:03
hand you need something to come along
00:03:05
and push you to take action it could be
00:03:08
an incentive a reward some sort of
00:03:10
threat some external force that compels
00:03:13
you to want to do something flip for me
00:03:15
doggy
00:03:17
flip yes my doggy yes think about the
00:03:21
job you hate or the homework you don't
00:03:23
want to do or the family member you
00:03:24
don't really want to see you do it
00:03:26
because you're supposed to or worse
00:03:29
because do you have to extrinsic
00:03:31
motivation is often unpleasant you feel
00:03:33
trapped or compelled to do something you
00:03:35
don't necessarily love or feel inspired
00:03:37
to do and worst of all with extrinsic
00:03:39
motivation as soon as that external
00:03:41
force is removed your desire to do
00:03:43
anything
00:03:45
else stops research shows that people
00:03:48
who are primarily intrinsically
00:03:49
motivated are much happier and
00:03:51
experience greater mental health whereas
00:03:52
people who rely on outside forces to
00:03:54
motivate them end up on this endless
00:03:57
cycle hoping and waiting for something
00:03:59
to come along and tell them what to do
00:04:01
next what's worse is that most of us
00:04:03
give up the Pursuits that we are
00:04:04
intrinsically motivated to do because
00:04:06
they do not reward us externally this is
00:04:09
one of the biggest mental health
00:04:10
mistakes that anyone could make and it
00:04:12
totally hoses your happiness but why are
00:04:15
we so tempted by extrinsic motivators
00:04:18
why aren't we able to just do what we
00:04:20
love and be satisfied with it that gets
00:04:22
into our second question that determines
00:04:24
our happiness and get ready cuz this one
00:04:27
goes pretty deep but first a quick thank
00:04:30
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00:05:17
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00:05:22
Marmon back to the
00:05:27
questions this is you
00:05:30
and this is your
00:05:32
happiness now your happiness comes and
00:05:35
goes but generally your Cup's pretty
00:05:37
full why because theoretically you
00:05:40
should always feel some amount of
00:05:42
happiness with
00:05:43
yourself theoretically but if you're
00:05:46
like most people as you go through life
00:05:48
painful things will start happening to
00:05:50
you maybe dad was an alcoholic and mom
00:05:53
was mean to you and never listened to
00:05:56
you maybe your first love cheated on you
00:05:58
with your best friend whatever it is
00:06:00
this pain now causes you to internalize
00:06:03
a belief that you somehow do not deserve
00:06:06
happiness and now your happiness levels
00:06:09
can't keep up for very long because when
00:06:12
good things start happening to you deep
00:06:14
down you wonder if you actually deserve
00:06:16
it you start to feel guilty and anxious
00:06:18
like anything good that happens to you
00:06:20
is a lie and you have this creeping
00:06:22
doubt and Perpetual feelings of
00:06:23
unworthiness eating away at any Joy you
00:06:26
may be feeling until soon you find
00:06:29
yourself miserable again and the more
00:06:31
pain and Trauma you've experienced down
00:06:33
here the more you will desperately need
00:06:36
happiness from outside of yourself to
00:06:38
fill you up up here and the more good
00:06:40
stuff you find the more it slips right
00:06:42
through your cup causing you to seek
00:06:44
even more this is what's known as the
00:06:46
codependent cycle and until you figure
00:06:49
out how to plug the holes to believe
00:06:51
that you deserve happiness nothing
00:06:54
nothing will ever change what most
00:06:56
people do is they look for ways to plug
00:06:59
the holes inside of themselves maybe
00:07:02
they do a bunch of drugs maybe they
00:07:04
party all the time and have lots of sex
00:07:07
maybe they work a 100 hours a week and
00:07:08
buy really fancy watches to try to
00:07:11
impress everybody anything to dull the
00:07:13
pain just for a moment but the problem
00:07:16
is is that everything you numb yourself
00:07:18
with just reminds your subconscious that
00:07:21
you weren't deserving of happiness in
00:07:22
the first place which then makes you
00:07:24
feel even less deserving and then just
00:07:26
causes you to lose even more happiness
00:07:30
so then you look to numb even more to
00:07:32
distract yourself even more and this is
00:07:35
the addiction cycle it starts out simple
00:07:37
but before long you're selling your
00:07:39
[ __ ] body on Craigslist the smoke
00:07:41
meth in a cheap hotel room not that I
00:07:43
know anything about this now there are
00:07:46
two schools of thought when it comes to
00:07:48
solving this addiction cycle some people
00:07:50
like the famous psychologist William
00:07:52
James believe that you can't ever
00:07:54
permanently solve an addiction you can
00:07:56
only replace destructive addictions with
00:07:58
productive ones but more recently there
00:08:00
are psychologists who actually believe
00:08:01
you can heal the holes at the bottom of
00:08:03
your cup theoretically this healing is
00:08:05
as simple as believing that you deserve
00:08:08
happiness but practically it is usually
00:08:10
far more complicated than that requiring
00:08:12
years of intensive emotional work and
00:08:14
building a series of healthy
00:08:15
relationships in our lives the truth is
00:08:17
that both are part of the solution
00:08:19
adopting healthier compulsions and
00:08:21
getting the work on your inner
00:08:22
self-loathing but it's much easier said
00:08:24
than done and Well it can't really be
00:08:26
done alone speaking of which that brings
00:08:29
us the question number
00:08:32
three let's say you have two people in a
00:08:35
relationship one person is emotionally
00:08:38
healthy and full of happiness and the
00:08:40
other person has all sorts of trauma and
00:08:42
toxicity causing them to constantly feel
00:08:44
a lack of Happiness now what do you
00:08:47
think happens in this relationship well
00:08:50
generally the happy stable person looks
00:08:51
at the unhappy unstable person and says
00:08:54
here let me help you with that here's
00:08:56
some of my happiness and this works for
00:08:58
a little while the unhealthy person
00:09:00
feels better and the healthy person gets
00:09:01
to feel like they're helping but the
00:09:03
unhealthy person soon is going to need
00:09:05
more happiness so the partner gives
00:09:08
again and again and again and again
00:09:13
until pretty soon neither has any
00:09:15
happiness left at all now the worst part
00:09:18
about toxic relationships is that they
00:09:20
weaponize our empathy and use it against
00:09:22
us we see a loved one suffering and we
00:09:24
think to ourselves I feel bad for them
00:09:26
let me try to help but that one thing
00:09:29
becomes a dozen and next thing you know
00:09:31
you're left feeling just as empty as
00:09:33
they are harsh truth you cannot make
00:09:35
someone happy who is not already happy
00:09:37
with themselves similarly no one can
00:09:40
make you happy until you are happy with
00:09:42
yourself the best way to improve your
00:09:44
relationships with others is therefore
00:09:46
to improve your relationship with
00:09:49
yourself the ancient Greek philosopher
00:09:51
Plato wrote in the Symposium that all
00:09:53
humans were actually half beings that
00:09:56
each of us was like a half completed
00:09:58
puzzle and we spit Our Lives looking for
00:10:00
the person who can complete us
00:10:02
emotionally now this sounds very
00:10:04
romantic and everything but the problem
00:10:05
is that most of us upon finding the
00:10:07
person who completes us we freak the
00:10:09
[ __ ] out and we do everything we can to
00:10:11
sabotage the relationship why is that
00:10:14
well let's imagine that there are two
00:10:16
incomplete flawed humans in the
00:10:18
relationship now what most people do
00:10:20
once in a relationship is they try to
00:10:22
bargain they say I'll give you this
00:10:25
piece of love and validation if you give
00:10:26
me that piece of love and validation
00:10:29
I'll support your work if you take care
00:10:31
of the kids I'll give you nice things if
00:10:33
you give me sex in these relationships
00:10:36
each person is trying to make sure they
00:10:38
aren't giving up too much of themselves
00:10:40
without getting a sufficient amount in
00:10:41
return this ultimately leads to a power
00:10:43
struggle within the relationship where
00:10:45
gradually the two partners see each
00:10:47
other as competitors rather than
00:10:50
collaborators now the key is to be
00:10:52
willing to connect with each other
00:10:53
without conditions to Simply give parts
00:10:56
of yourself over to make yourself
00:10:58
vulnerable and say I Shar this part of
00:11:00
myself with you with no expectation of
00:11:03
anything in return because the Paradox
00:11:05
of Love is that by giving your whole
00:11:07
self over to the other person you both
00:11:09
get to have it all all of yourselves and
00:11:12
all of each other all at
00:11:18
once in 1938 the Harvard Medical School
00:11:21
began following a class of undergraduate
00:11:23
men with the hopes of identifying
00:11:25
predictors of healthy aging now in the
00:11:27
beginning this was a medical study so
00:11:29
they were collecting basic biological
00:11:31
data from the young men each year and
00:11:32
asking them simple questions about their
00:11:34
lives but after a couple decades it
00:11:36
slowly turned into a psychological study
00:11:39
as it began to show incredible patterns
00:11:41
related to human happiness the lead
00:11:43
researcher George Veen ended up
00:11:45
dedicating his entire life to the study
00:11:47
and by the 1990s he had over 50 years of
00:11:50
data on hundreds of men to work with in
00:11:53
his book The triumphs of experience
00:11:55
veent said that when looking at all of
00:11:57
the factors of Happiness from jobs
00:11:59
family tragedy trauma education finances
00:12:02
geography everything the entire data set
00:12:05
could be summed up with one simple word
00:12:11
love ultimately the strongest
00:12:13
correlation to happiness and Longevity
00:12:15
with all of the men in the study was
00:12:18
simply having a loving healthy
00:12:19
relationship in their lives no matter
00:12:21
who it was when you have two flawed
00:12:23
individuals if they have the courage to
00:12:25
share their happiness then that often
00:12:27
allows their cups to overflow the
00:12:29
pursuit of happiness is at the end of
00:12:31
the day the pursuit of strong
00:12:33
relationships I realize that sounds a
00:12:35
little bit Kumbaya and hokey to say but
00:12:37
it's true it doesn't involve [ __ ] you
00:12:39
money it doesn't involve six-pack abs or
00:12:42
a small Fleet of jet skis those things
00:12:44
are extrinsically motiva a desperate
00:12:46
attempt to plug the holes in your cup
00:12:49
rather than a willingness to share the
00:12:50
Cup itself when we're with people who
00:12:52
love us unconditionally and treat us
00:12:54
with respect it gives us permission to
00:12:56
love ourselves despite our flaws and
00:12:59
that self-love frees us from having to
00:13:02
numb our pain it frees us from the
00:13:04
constant chasing of more extrinsic
00:13:06
motivation and that freedom to be who we
00:13:08
already are that is in a
00:13:10
nutshell happiness
00:13:14
[Music]
