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Oprah Winfrey has a superpower.
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For over 30 years, people who speak to her have not been able to help but to open up,
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sometimes crying, expressing joy, or just showing the most vulnerable parts of themselves.
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That ability propelled Oprah to a net worth of four billion dollars not to mention
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launching books to the top of the bestsellers list and Dr. Phil's television career.
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So in this video, we are going to explore how and why
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Oprah is the best connector that I have ever covered on this channel.
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And you're gonna learn how to live so that people will
naturally find themselves opening up and connecting with you.
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First off, Oprah sets the stage to connect literally.
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Unlike many other TV show hosts, she is famous for walking the aisles
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of her studio audience and for sitting on the same couch as her guests.
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Later on, she would actually go into their homes for intimate interviews.
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Now, the lack of physical barriers such as a desk tends to make two people
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feel more connected and that's why you are more likely to find a spark
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on a first date if you sit adjacent to your date rather than being separated by a table.
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And it's also why people who don't feel comfortable will subconsciously block
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the other person by crossing their legs or by placing an object in between them.
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In Oprah's case, the lack of barriers enables both a sense of being emotionally connected
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as well as an opportunity to connect physically via touch.
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[Audience cheering]
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Oprah: Of course, I do. I'm so happy for you both. So this is a deal?
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[Crying] I love you.
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Oh. [Audience laughing]
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You are so so, so, good.
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[Crying] Thank you. [Audience laughs]
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With Oprah, you're gonna see high-fives, hand squeezes, walking arm-in-arm, and hugs
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but to really grasp how important touch is to her
style of communication, you have to see it in context.
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Now, I can't show all of this next clip because it's three minutes long but take a look
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quickly at how many points of contact she has with the member from her audience.
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...and we're all celebrating our 40th.
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Your ninth baby... Come here. [Audience cheering]
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How many months are you now?
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No, really, did you always want a big family?
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That's it. That is it. Okay, thank you. What's your name?
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Katherine.
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Katherine is going to have a baby in three months. Unbelievable. [Audience applauds]
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It's doubly unfortunate that there are so many cases
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of unwanted sexual touching coming up in the news and in our culture nowadays.
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It's obviously fantastic because we're eliminating that
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but an unfortunate side effect is that these platonic touches are getting lost.
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And these are things that truly help to connect to people.
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It's part of why people can open up so quickly and so comfortably with Oprah.
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Now, for a more nuanced breakdown of touching, you can check out our video on
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Chris Hemsworth but for now just note that this immediately lowers
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the sense of separation between Oprah and the person she's speaking to.
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You may have also noticed something else that does
that which is how strong Oprah's eye contact is;
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she is completely comfortable with intimacy and prolonged eye contact.
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Just look how present she is when listening with Steven Spielberg
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showing him how he is truly has her full attention.
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...number times unfortunately. I think the first time was when he gave
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his very, very long and important
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explanation of why he needed to get the 13th amendment to abolish slavery—
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You could see Oprah squinting and furrowing her brow
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which shows the other person that she is actively listening to what they are saying.
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But these aren't necessarily charisma tactics to just be used.
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This is the result of what happens when you are
truly present in trying to understand someone.
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When you're on the flip side receiving someone's full attention it feels absolutely incredible.
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Now, to drive this point home and make the other person feel even better,
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Oprah will often listen and then summarize what the other person has just said.
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Take this clip for instance where Rihanna's been
talking about her relationship with her father
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and Chris Brown and noticed how she responds to Oprah's recap of what she just said.
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I had to forgive him because I cared about him still.
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And the minute I let go of that, I started living again.
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You made peace with your father and then you were able to make peace with Chris.
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Yes.
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Because you realize the connection between
what your father had done and what Chris had done.
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Because of the intensity of Oprah's full focus her
guests often feel that she gets them at a deep level.
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They feel connected to her in some way like they share a common life understanding.
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Now, Oprah doesn't just imply these connections
and commonalities with her body language.
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She straight up calls them out with her guests as she sees them.
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I was so thrilled to realize you know how we you and I are most alike.
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Let me guess, you're an introvert.
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I'm an introvert.
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Amy: I knew it.
Oprah: You knew it?
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This small thing is much more significant than it may sound.
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In his book influence Robert Chiellini discusses how feeling similar
to someone is one of the six most powerful factors in persuasion.
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It puts two people in sync allowing for pacing and leading which we've discussed
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in other videos that I'm going to link to in the description below.
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Now, two people who are in sync may breathe at the same pace —
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they might move in the same way — but the easiest way
to spot it is if they can finish each other's sentences.
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Now, Oprah hits this phase blindingly fast with many of her guests.
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Just watch the continuation of that clip with Amy Schumer.
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I've been at parties where I have to get up and leave—
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Amy: Take a break. Recharge.
Oprah: I'm just in the bathroom. Recharge.
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I love the bathroom.
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Love it.
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Both: I love to hide in the bathroom.
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She gets energy from people. She feeds—
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She feeds and we get sucked.
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And I get sucked dry.
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You need to be taken out of a party in a stretcher.
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Yes.
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All of what we've discussed up until now is very useful.
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But what makes Oprah truly exceptional at connecting is her philosophy —
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that the most important thing to uncover in an
interaction is what moves people emotionally.
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She didn't get famous discussing politics or by doing goofy skits.
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She got famous by exploring what made her guests feel feelings
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and that's why you often hear her ask questions like these —
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What's the most difficult decision you've had to make to fulfill your destiny?
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How would you describe your childhood?
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How did you manage to pull the pieces of yourself together?
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You'll notice that these questions aren't small talk or banter.
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They have to do with hardship, with family, with the things we don't want to tell people
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about ourselves because we're afraid of how vulnerable, raw, and emotional they make us.
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But family, hardship, our dreams, the things that we're ashamed of —
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these are the things that often define who we are at our core.
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And to illustrate how powerful these ideas of dreams and family can be to people,
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watch this clip of Oprah with James Corden; this was actually the video
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that put her on my radar as someone that had a true gift with charisma.
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Now, I recommend watching the whole thing separately because it's really remarkable
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and I'm gonna diminish the effect by editing it here but this is a brief overview
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of an interaction that lasts just two and a half minutes.
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When did you first realize you have this power just to make people cry?
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Go on. Give me your best, okay? Unleash the power.
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Every father has a dream for his children—
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Oh, shut up. [Audienc laughs]
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What is the dream that you hold in your heart?
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I just want.. it just feels like this every day... [Laughs]
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This scenario isn't unique to Oprah; she's been bringing people to tears her whole career.
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And it's this ability to get to someone's emotional core that really did make her famous.
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And if you apply what you've learned so far, you're gonna be able to get people
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to open up to a deep connection that will bond you to for a long time.
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But there is one final and very critical point — when people do get emotionally real,
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when they cry, they get excited... whatever it is, Oprah doesn't try to defuse that tension
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she leans into it; she allows her guests to express themselves fully.
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And so many of us unfortunately do the opposite.
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Someone cries if we Pat them uncomfortably saying, "There, there,"
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hoping that they will stop or they get excited and we redirect the conversation
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because their enthusiasm doesn't fit our current mood.
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Oprah can connect with people so brilliantly because
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she not only encourages them to open up, she also validates them when they do.
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She's empathetic enough to go there emotionally with them;
she shares in their joy or their pain.
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Have you been sober since?
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Yes, I have.
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Hello. Let's celebrate that. That's where you are right now.
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Look at how great that is.
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Wow.
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It makes me cry too. It makes me cry too.
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I know, I know. It's beautiful.
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Why am I crying on Oprah?
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In short, people feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open up to Oprah
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because she will go there too.
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In fact, she went there first; early in her talk-show career,
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she revealed the sexual abuse that she suffered as a nine-year-old
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not to mention a whole slew of other personal struggles that I wasn't even aware of
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as someone who didn't watch her talk show as a kid.
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And it was her openness that paved the way for others to do the same
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when they came on her show so if you want to connect with someone deeply
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to get them to open up past the surface level small-talk,
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you have to be fascinated by what moves them emotionally.
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You have to focus primarily on what you share rather than on how you differ and you
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have to be willing to open yourself up so that others feel safe doing the same with you.
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That's what made Oprah the biggest talk show star ever.
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It's what endeared her to millions of viewers and earned her billions of dollars
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and if you followed the advice in this video it can be your superpower too.
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Now, one of the themes of this video is the value of being heard.
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It honestly can't be overstated; you see how deeply
impacted Oprah's guests are by her attention.
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What's unfortunate is that so few of us have the opportunity to feel heard in our lives
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and sometimes it's hard to share what's going on in your life even with close friends
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and sometimes those friends and family don't know how to advise us
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or they give bad advice because they're so close to us.
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That's why I have asked better help to sponsor this video and I'm very excited about it
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because BetterHelp provides affordable counseling
from licensed therapists all from your home.
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I've actually used this service myself and I'm going to continue to
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because talking to someone once a week has had a positive impact on my life
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plus it doesn't have this hassle of having to leave the house,
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you can just chat from your couch using your phone or your computer.
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Ben also signed up and got a ton from it he was actually pretty excited because
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he identified this sense of anxiety masquerading as perfectionism.
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And since then, he's been able to take steps not to worry as much about past mistakes
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or trying to be so perfect all the time.
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BetterHelp can help you also find your blind spots
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so if you think that you might benefit from talking to someone on a regular basis,
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consider checking out betterhelp.com/charisma
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or click the link in the description to get started.
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You're just gonna answer a few questions so that they can connect you
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with the right therapist for your situation
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and then you'll be matched within 24 hours and you can cancel anytime you want.
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It's completely confidential, you don't have to leave your house,
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and it's a small fraction of the cost of most other therapy options.
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Now, because both Ben and I got a lot of value from it,
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I think there's a good chance that you will too and it's absolutely the case that speaking
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with a licensed therapist can have a big impact if you are facing challenges in your life.
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So if BetterHelp sounds right for you, go ahead and check it out.
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Either way, I hope that you are happy, much love from me, and
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I look forward to seeing you in the next video.
