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you know my only regret is that I didn't
00:00:02
make an I'm quitting YouTube
00:00:04
video I could have gotten so many views
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[Music]
00:00:39
I figured since I haven't made a coffee
00:00:40
Montage here in a while had to give the
00:00:42
people what they wanted hey guys it's
00:00:44
Matt Della and I'm not dead I'm back
00:00:48
making YouTube videos again uh wow okay
00:00:51
so it's been a very long time since I've
00:00:53
made a YouTube video here on this
00:00:55
channel over eight months in fact which
00:00:57
is definitely the longest time I've ever
00:01:00
ever gone since making a video since I
00:01:02
started back in 2017 and to be honest I
00:01:05
wasn't sure if I'd ever come back uh
00:01:08
when I left I was in a pretty dark place
00:01:12
and yeah it just wasn't at the top of my
00:01:15
priority list to make videos and so in
00:01:18
this video I want to talk about why I
00:01:21
stepped away what happened then what's
00:01:24
been happening since and what the future
00:01:26
of this channel will be I was talking to
00:01:28
my brother recently who a pilot in the
00:01:30
Air Force and he was talking about how
00:01:32
the fact that when a plane crashes it's
00:01:35
rarely because of one thing it's because
00:01:37
multiple things go wrong at the same
00:01:39
exact time a storm rolls in the fuel
00:01:42
gauge breaks Air Traffic Control asks
00:01:44
you about your flight path any one of
00:01:46
these things at one time is manageable
00:01:48
but often when these things happen at
00:01:50
the same time that's when you run into
00:01:53
issues and that's kind of what happened
00:01:55
to me there were four main factors that
00:01:58
led to my breakdown and from me stepping
00:02:01
away from YouTube first was adjusting to
00:02:04
life as a new dad that was probably one
00:02:07
of the biggest ones second was feeling
00:02:09
trapped by my business third was
00:02:12
starting over in a new country and
00:02:15
fourth if I'm being honest was that I
00:02:17
was just getting bored with my work I
00:02:20
was getting bored making videos for
00:02:22
YouTube so I want to talk about each of
00:02:25
these points and what was going on
00:02:28
behind the scenes for me at the time
00:02:30
starting with adjusting to life as a new
00:02:32
dad so uh you got to get it out of the
00:02:35
way parenting it's the greatest job in
00:02:37
the world oh my God I love it so much
00:02:40
like blah blah blah blah blah it's
00:02:41
[ __ ] up it's the worst thing I've ever
00:02:43
done it's so hard it's so hard oh my God
00:02:47
like I don't know how people do it my
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mom had seven kids I don't what the [ __ ]
00:02:51
mom what were you thinking that's
00:02:53
[ __ ] insane seven kids like so many
00:02:56
people I had a really difficult ult time
00:03:00
adjusting to life as a new dad it was
00:03:02
such a challenge to figure out how to
00:03:04
reorganize my entire life around my new
00:03:07
family the responsibility and the
00:03:09
pressure to do the right thing in every
00:03:11
moment for him for Nat for my
00:03:14
responsibilities at work for myself it
00:03:17
was [ __ ] hard and it would have been
00:03:19
difficult under the best of scenarios
00:03:22
but we had a fun little plot twist which
00:03:24
was the fact that our son did not sleep
00:03:26
for 10 months he barely slept for 1 hour
00:03:30
independently and that meant split
00:03:32
Shifting the night withn it meant
00:03:35
countless nights of only getting 2 hours
00:03:36
of sleep it meant no energy for my
00:03:38
workouts no creative spark to make
00:03:40
videos imagine the worst night of sleep
00:03:43
that you've ever had in your life now
00:03:45
imagine doing that every single night
00:03:47
for 10 months straight and add in a
00:03:49
[ __ ] baby crying into the mix I know
00:03:52
that there are many parents watching
00:03:53
this and many people who have struggled
00:03:56
with sleep insomnia that don't have to
00:03:57
imagine it this is the reality that
00:04:00
they're facing or have faced and they
00:04:02
will tell you that it's absolute Hell by
00:04:05
month 10 and I'm not exaggerating when I
00:04:08
say this both of us were completely
00:04:10
broken I was diagnosed with adjustment
00:04:12
disorder which if you look up online
00:04:15
you'll find that it's a common first
00:04:17
diagnosis to depression and it's often
00:04:20
used because the word depression is
00:04:23
often too loaded for most people but I'm
00:04:26
not afraid to use that word I was
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[ __ ] depressed period and that was
00:04:31
struggling too she was diagnosed with
00:04:32
PTSD which can happen when you're woken
00:04:35
up thousands of times in the middle of
00:04:36
the night to a crying baby we tried to
00:04:39
be there for each other and we often
00:04:41
gave each other what we didn't have and
00:04:44
two things became very clear to us at
00:04:47
that point first we needed to stop
00:04:49
trying to save each other and try to
00:04:52
save ourselves and two sleep we needed
00:04:55
our son to sleep so then we could sleep
00:04:57
that is the only way that we would be
00:04:59
able to heal and move on from this I
00:05:01
don't want to get too much into the
00:05:02
details here I can save that for another
00:05:04
video if you're interested in hearing
00:05:06
about our sleep Journey although I will
00:05:07
say Ferber for the win but after months
00:05:11
of trying every single sleep training
00:05:13
method on the planet we were able to get
00:05:15
it under control Frankie started
00:05:17
sleeping independently through the night
00:05:19
and so did we but unfortunately it was
00:05:22
already too late I had been pushed too
00:05:24
far and there were other factors that
00:05:27
were contributing to my plane basic Al
00:05:30
nose diving this airplane metaphor is
00:05:32
fire by the way I don't care what you
00:05:33
say I think the fact that I said the
00:05:35
word fire really shows how much of a dad
00:05:37
I am yo that's Fire Dog the second
00:05:39
problem that I had was that for too long
00:05:41
I felt trapped by my business one
00:05:44
question that I've asked myself a lot
00:05:46
over the years is are you doing it
00:05:48
because you want to or because you feel
00:05:51
like you have to we often set out to
00:05:53
achieve something big and it's filled
00:05:54
with all sorts of excitement all of this
00:05:57
excitement in the beginning is great but
00:05:59
eventually it wains and the lines blur
00:06:01
between what you want to do and what you
00:06:03
have to do I've struggled with this off
00:06:05
and on since making YouTube videos since
00:06:08
2017 but one thing that really dialed it
00:06:11
up to 11 was when I started hiring
00:06:13
employees I've always wanted to build a
00:06:16
creative team work with others create
00:06:17
more ambitious projects bigger videos
00:06:19
more videos so I set out to do that I
00:06:22
hired my first full-time employee in
00:06:23
2019 and then the next in 2020 and then
00:06:26
another and another and another and at
00:06:28
some point I lost into our Google meet
00:06:30
to see nine people staring back at me
00:06:33
looking for me to guide them those kinds
00:06:36
of expenses that kind of pressure is
00:06:39
intense I basically managed to turn my
00:06:42
funfilled full-time business into a jail
00:06:45
cell albeit a fancy jail cell with a
00:06:47
memory foam mattress and pour over
00:06:49
coffee but still I heard Mark Robert
00:06:51
talk about this on Colin and samir's
00:06:53
podcast not that long ago he likened it
00:06:55
to running on a treadmill so you start
00:06:57
out running really fast and it's all
00:07:00
really exciting you're hiring new
00:07:01
employees you're working on new and fun
00:07:03
projects you're getting a ton of
00:07:05
dopamine but eventually you can't keep
00:07:07
that pace going anymore and that
00:07:09
dopamine that comes from sprinting
00:07:11
hiring people starting new projects
00:07:13
wears away but you still have to keep
00:07:16
sprinting because your treadmill is
00:07:17
going at that speed you don't get the
00:07:19
dopamine reward for the work that's
00:07:21
going into it at some point between
00:07:23
employee 1 and employee 10 I started
00:07:25
doing it for the money and I want to be
00:07:27
very clear I did not do it to get rich I
00:07:29
was just trying to pay my expenses I was
00:07:32
actually making less money than I ever
00:07:34
had on YouTube I eventually decided to
00:07:36
let go of my entire staff an incredibly
00:07:39
difficult and painful decision for
00:07:40
everyone involved but one that I had to
00:07:43
make I just couldn't keep going anymore
00:07:46
and that meant for the first time in
00:07:48
years I had a choice I didn't have to do
00:07:51
it and when I asked myself do I really
00:07:54
want to make this next video the answer
00:07:57
was no the third challenge that I fac
00:08:00
was starting over in a new country while
00:08:03
all of this was going on Nat and I
00:08:05
decided to pack our bags and move across
00:08:07
the world to live in Australia now I
00:08:10
love Australia I love Sydney it's
00:08:12
literally my favorite city that I've
00:08:14
ever lived in so I have absolutely zero
00:08:17
complaints there but this was just
00:08:19
another layer of adjustment uh I like to
00:08:22
think that I'm a resilient person but
00:08:24
deep down I know that I'm a creature of
00:08:27
habit you probably know this about me if
00:08:28
you've watched my videos for a while I
00:08:31
like systems I like rules routines all
00:08:34
of those things help to keep the wheels
00:08:36
on for me but when those things get
00:08:37
disrupted I have a hard time finding my
00:08:39
rhythm a new country meant new routines
00:08:42
new relationships a new gym a new way of
00:08:45
doing things plus I have to say that
00:08:47
living away from my family has been
00:08:49
really difficult especially now that we
00:08:52
have a kid not only do we get less time
00:08:54
with them throughout the year but also
00:08:56
selfishly we get less support which
00:08:59
means that parenting becomes so much
00:09:01
more difficult especially for two people
00:09:03
who are trying desperately to hold on to
00:09:05
their careers so yeah that was just like
00:09:07
an additional layer of complexity that
00:09:09
made everything that much more
00:09:11
challenging during this difficult period
00:09:14
the final thing that tip me over the
00:09:15
edge I was getting bored making videos
00:09:18
for a long time I forced myself to push
00:09:21
on I think I was chasing the feeling I
00:09:24
had in the beginning like back in 2008
00:09:27
when I started my freelance film making
00:09:29
business or in 2017 when I uploaded my
00:09:32
first YouTube video I wanted that magic
00:09:35
mix of excitement and nervousness and
00:09:38
energy and maybe even just like a little
00:09:40
bit of anxiety I made videos back then
00:09:42
because I loved it not because I was
00:09:44
guaranteed a paycheck but no matter what
00:09:46
I tried that feeling kept eluding me I
00:09:49
really think it was just the momentum of
00:09:51
the years of work that was carrying me
00:09:54
forward it was like a car rolling even
00:09:57
after its engine stalled I knew it was
00:09:59
time for a change and so I started
00:10:02
asking myself the difficult questions
00:10:05
that I had been avoiding was I excited
00:10:07
about my work like truly excited was I
00:10:09
making videos because I wanted to and
00:10:12
the big one was I happy no no no those
00:10:15
were three very quick NOS for me once I
00:10:18
faced the truth when I was younger I was
00:10:21
always proud of the fact that I was
00:10:22
motivated by my passions my interests
00:10:25
and my own personal contentment when I
00:10:28
made wedding in bar mitzvah videos back
00:10:29
in the day I did it because I wanted to
00:10:31
and I put everything I had into those
00:10:33
projects suddenly in my late 30s I was
00:10:35
faced with the realization that I wasn't
00:10:38
living in alignment with those values
00:10:40
and while I had all the success and
00:10:42
accolades that I could ever dream of I
00:10:45
don't think a younger version of myself
00:10:47
would have been very proud of the
00:10:49
decisions that I was making it was
00:10:51
almost as if a younger version of myself
00:10:53
grabbed me by my charcoal shirt and
00:10:55
shouted if you're not happy then stop so
00:10:59
I stopped and I immediately felt a
00:11:02
weight release from my shoulders not all
00:11:04
of it I was still depressed as [ __ ] but
00:11:07
it was a step in the right direction
00:11:08
probably the funniest and most ironic
00:11:11
part of this entire thing was that at
00:11:14
the time I was working on a video called
00:11:16
I lost all my motivation this is so
00:11:19
embarrassing I can't even admit it oh my
00:11:21
God okay no no the video was I lost all
00:11:24
my motivation here's how I found it I
00:11:28
was so full of [ __ ] at the time I
00:11:30
thought that I was on to something I was
00:11:32
like oh yeah I'm like getting into a
00:11:33
rhythm and like then just one day like
00:11:36
everything [ __ ] collapsed and I was
00:11:37
like it was almost as if I was trying to
00:11:39
fool myself I was trying to trick myself
00:11:42
into believing that I had figured it out
00:11:44
and I had gotten everything together I
00:11:46
remember sitting there looking at my
00:11:48
video timeline it was 90% complete I was
00:11:51
just a few hours away from completing it
00:11:53
all I had to do was sit in front of the
00:11:55
camera hit record and riff off a few
00:11:58
lines
00:11:59
but I couldn't do it that's when I made
00:12:02
the call I canceled all my brand deals
00:12:04
for the year I closed my laptop and I
00:12:07
walked away I didn't even make an I'm
00:12:10
quitting YouTube video I'm still upset
00:12:13
about that one and that was the start of
00:12:14
my recovery of finding myself again and
00:12:17
learning how to love life again and that
00:12:20
brings me to today and the future of
00:12:23
this channel I'm happy to say that I'm
00:12:25
back like back back back
00:12:33
this is [ __ ] stupid I don't think I'm
00:12:36
going to put this in the
00:12:37
[ __ ] this is so [ __ ]
00:12:40
lame it's just a lot you know I think I
00:12:43
just like I feel like you know I lost a
00:12:46
part of myself and like it feels good to
00:12:49
be back this towel was for sweat but now
00:12:51
it's for
00:12:52
Tears it's okay to cry and [ __ ] it's
00:12:56
okay I do not expect
00:13:01
God this is not like I'm not that kind
00:13:04
of guy like I'm not that kind of
00:13:05
YouTuber I'm not the YouTuber that
00:13:07
[ __ ] cries on camera that's [ __ ]
00:13:10
lame dude I'm not doing
00:13:12
that oh where was I um I guess what I
00:13:17
was saying was I'm back uh I'm back
00:13:21
because I'm ready to be back I'm back
00:13:23
because I want to and I'm back because
00:13:26
I'm excited about making videos again it
00:13:28
was hard being away for so long and not
00:13:31
just away from YouTube and you know
00:13:36
publishing content publicly but like
00:13:38
like I'm a Creator through and through
00:13:40
like I just love making videos I love
00:13:43
creating things and like I've really
00:13:45
found that over the past year my mental
00:13:48
health is deeply connected to my ability
00:13:50
to create um and like sometimes my
00:13:53
ambition can be a detriment and kind of
00:13:56
hurt me because like I'm very ambitious
00:13:58
I want to work really hard hard and and
00:13:59
sometimes I stretch myself too too thin
00:14:02
but like taking a break from creating
00:14:04
and from working was like like it helped
00:14:06
for a bit but eventually like to regain
00:14:10
a sense of self to regain my life back I
00:14:14
needed to start creating again I don't
00:14:16
have to make YouTube videos to feel full
00:14:19
and to feel fulfilled but I need to make
00:14:21
something I need to create I need to
00:14:23
feel that forward progress and I need to
00:14:26
feel like I'm building in my life versus
00:14:30
breaking down and and to a degree that's
00:14:33
like a part of life part of life is like
00:14:35
getting broken down especially as a
00:14:37
parent and then just like trying to
00:14:39
rebuild and and do your best to keep it
00:14:42
all together even when everything is
00:14:45
kind of crumbling around you but yeah
00:14:47
it's good to be back it's good to be
00:14:49
back talk about the [ __ ] messy middle
00:14:52
bro there are a few things you can
00:14:54
expect from me going forward including a
00:14:56
couple fun new projects first I'm making
00:14:59
videos regularly on this channel again
00:15:01
I've got lots of interviews and fun
00:15:03
projects lined up with people that you
00:15:04
might recognize and I'll be unpacking a
00:15:06
lot of the lessons that I've learned
00:15:08
over the past year away from YouTube
00:15:11
second I started a short form podcast
00:15:13
that I launched this week called three
00:15:15
rules if you're an OG subscriber you
00:15:17
might remember the groundup show from
00:15:19
back in the day well this is a very
00:15:21
similar Spirit to that show so basically
00:15:23
the gist is every week I ask a guest to
00:15:25
share three rules that help them find
00:15:27
success or happiness my episode with
00:15:29
Ryan holiday is already live each
00:15:31
episode of my new podcast is just 15 to
00:15:34
20 minutes long because the world
00:15:36
doesn't need another 2hour
00:15:37
self-development podcast number three in
00:15:40
my absence from making videos on this
00:15:41
channel I started another YouTube
00:15:43
channel called bonus diella if you like
00:15:45
the occasional behind the scenes video
00:15:47
or want to learn more about the things
00:15:49
I'm doing as a solo Creator how I make
00:15:51
my videos what goes on behind the scenes
00:15:53
I even made a video how I set up this
00:15:56
video how I lit it I've got two lights
00:15:58
right here you can see Boop there's a
00:16:00
little hair
00:16:03
light I don't know what I expected to
00:16:06
happen it's really an opportunity for me
00:16:09
to express my Creative Energy with one
00:16:12
of my biggest passions which is creating
00:16:15
and making videos and so if you're into
00:16:17
that stuff that's where to go someone
00:16:19
commented on a video there recently and
00:16:22
said that bonus D is basically Matt
00:16:25
Della without ADHD meds so yeah I don't
00:16:27
know if that's a compliment or not but
00:16:28
that's something that someone said about
00:16:30
it and finally I've been keeping up a
00:16:32
Weekly Newsletter for the past 6 months
00:16:35
or so which has been a great creative
00:16:37
outlet for me to be able to talk about
00:16:39
some of the things that I've been going
00:16:40
through and also share some
00:16:43
self-development advice for people who
00:16:45
care to hear about it if you want to
00:16:46
check out any of these projects the
00:16:48
podcast the YouTube channels the
00:16:50
newsletter I've left links in the
00:16:52
description below this video before I go
00:16:54
I just want to thank you thanks for
00:16:56
supporting me from the beginning thanks
00:16:57
for giving me the space to take this
00:17:00
break and thanks for sticking around for
00:17:02
this next chapter see you soon and by
00:17:04
the way that's the last time I will ever
00:17:06
cry in a YouTube video that's the most
00:17:09
cliche [ __ ]
00:17:11
ever okay that's it I'm done
