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Transcriber: Eunice Tan
Reviewer: Tanya Cushman
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About a year ago, as I was finishing
my research on motherhood,
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I came across "The Feminine Mystique,"
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written by Betty Friedan in 1963.
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The title of the first chapter is
"The Problem That Has No Name."
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As I read through the pages,
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I felt my heart bursting.
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I thought to myself,
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"Every mom needs to know
what's in these pages."
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It helps give meaning
to where moms were back then
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and where we still are today.
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Betty Friedan was able
to interview these mothers,
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who shared with her
that they felt unfulfilled,
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alone,
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and ashamed to admit that they felt lost
in the midst of motherhood.
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She called this
"the problem that has no name."
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The spread into suburbia,
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with its green lawns
and large corner lots,
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was isolating for moms.
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Their worries over smallpox and polio
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were replaced by depression
and alcoholism.
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Drug remedies,
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such as "mother's little helper,"
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promised relief from boredom,
unhappiness, and anxiety.
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Sure, we've come a long way
since the 1950s.
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But the feeling of loneliness
and lack of fulfillment
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is still the same today.
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In my practice as a child
and family therapist,
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I have heard a familiar story
over and over:
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mothers who feel exhausted,
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overwhelmed,
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and lonely in their lives.
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I knew that I could relate
to feeling exhausted and overwhelmed,
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but I didn't think
that loneliness applied to me.
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Or did it?
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I thought to myself,
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"I'm still best friends
with people from childhood,
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I have a loving and supportive husband,
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I volunteer in my kids' schools
and in our community,
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and my calendar is booked
with dinners and parties."
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So I thought I was doing okay.
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Until one day, something happened
that changed all of that.
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A few years ago, after being
in excruciating pain for two days,
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I drove myself to the ER.
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Once I was examined,
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I was immediately admitted
into a private room,
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where I turned the TV on and settled in
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for what I figured
was going to be a long night.
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And despite the fact
that I was in a lot of pain,
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I was actually quite content.
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I was laying in one of those
reclining hospital beds,
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I had nurses coming in and checking on me,
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(Laughter)
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I had a warm hospital blanket on,
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and I was watching Sunday Night Football.
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(Laughter)
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I had no kids to put down,
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no dishes to unload,
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and no laundry to fold.
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It was just me, alone, in a room.
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And then I had a light-bulb moment.
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I thought,
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"Oh, I've heard about this before.
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This is what people are talking about."
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I was having a hospital fantasy!
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A real-life hospital fantasy.
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(Laughter)
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And it felt really good.
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But after I found out
that I was having a kidney stone attack,
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the novelty did wear off.
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(Laughter)
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And I thought to myself,
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besides my family,
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who could I call?
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Who could I call right now
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to simply say, "I am in the hospital.
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I don't need anything from you -
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no meals, no driving kids around.
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I just thought that you'd want to know"?
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And in that moment, I realized
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that I was just as disconnected
from my community
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as the mothers I see in my practice.
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I had gotten so busy
doing what all of us do:
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I moved around,
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raising kids and advancing my career.
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I was living my life
in 60-minute increments -
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going from school to soccer,
home, and back to work.
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I was feeling lonely,
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and I didn't even know it.
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50 years later, the problem
that has no name is still with us.
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It shows itself differently,
but it's still the same problem.
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Today, we have the rabbit hole
of social media
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that shows what all the other mommies
are doing better than us.
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(Laughter)
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Mm-hmm.
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If we're a working mom, we feel guilty.
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And if we're a stay-at-home mom,
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we feel judged.
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We second-guess and stress over
all the parenting decisions that we make.
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And all too often,
we feel like failures and frauds.
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(Applause)
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Got it.
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(Laughter)
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Somewhere in our frantic
and overscheduled lives,
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we might have a husband,
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with all of his needs and demands as well.
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Most of us somehow manage
to maintain a career.
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Back in the '50s and '60s,
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mothers thought
if only they could have a career,
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life would be good.
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And earning our own money
and having our own careers
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has been good.
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But the problem that has no name remains.
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If you're relating to any of this,
you are not alone.
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I started researching
and asking the tough questions.
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I found that since the 1970s,
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women have been reporting
less life satisfaction than men.
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I asked myself, "Why is this?"
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As I dug deep, one thing became clear:
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women need closeness
with other human beings every day.
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And this is not the same
as casual connections.
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We are spending upwards
of 30 hours a week online,
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with at least one hour a day on Facebook.
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Yet I found that over the past 40 years,
our friendship networks have shrunk.
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We move around, on average,
11 times throughout our lifetime.
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And shuttling kids around
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has caused moms
to spend more time in their cars
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rather than socializing with others.
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And did you know
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that social isolation is hazardous
to our physical health as well?
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One university study showed that patients
were 50% more likely to survive disease
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if they had close friendships.
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And social isolation
and the feeling of loneliness
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is a major health issue
that increases your risk of death,
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more so than smoking or obesity.
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So what do we do?
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Do we say that this
is the problem that has no name
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and therefore has no solution?
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I don't think so.
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In researching this topic
over the last several years,
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I've come to think that if each one
of the clients that I see in my practice
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had a best friend,
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my practice might be cut in half.
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We need to spend some
of those hours that we're online
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with a female friend instead.
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As I've shared with you today,
I wasn't immune either.
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So now, I reach out to others more.
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And even when I'm tired
and I don't want to go out,
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I still meet that friend out.
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And we share our stories
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because collective stories
create community.
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And I've banned being busy -
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I won't let "busy" build walls
that keep me apart from other people.
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Together,
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in our small towns or our large cities,
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we need to be a part
of eliminating this problem.
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So let's start
by calling a friend anytime.
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And when we kiss our kids goodnight
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and we're tired,
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let's still call a friend,
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even if just to say,
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"How was your day?"
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Let's get together with a friend,
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reach out to an old friend,
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make a new friend,
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resolve issues with people from the past.
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As I think about the importance
of friendship for all of us,
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and especially in my own life,
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I'm reminded of this beautiful line
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said by Susan Sarandon
in the movie "Shall We Dance?"
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And it goes something like,
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"We all need a witness.
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There are a billion people on the planet,
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so what does any one life really mean?"
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When you have a close friend,
you're saying,
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"Your life will not go unnoticed,
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because I will notice it.
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Your life will not go unwitnessed,
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because I will be your witness."
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Moms of all ages and all stages:
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this problem has been around
for at least 50 years,
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and it's up to each and every one of us
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to make sure it's not around
for the next 50 years.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
