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thank you well welcome good to have you
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all this morning to our plenary session
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do you know that marriage therapy can be
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found in the yellow pages between
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markets and martial arts couples are
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usually in the market for a fight but
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when they knock on our door as marriage
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counselors and mentors they're in the
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market of hope back in graduate school
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in the mid-90s when my first couple as a
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marriage and family therapist fired me I
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do I was in trouble and needed to do
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something different to be a hope Giver
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the couple was arguing about trash and
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who was taking trash out I said I can
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solve this I'll just pull out a chart
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calendar tell you how who does what when
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I'm I'm good I focused on changing
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schedules and teaching communication
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skills and although that was good I
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thought I was brilliant but clearly I
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was missing the heart of their issue a
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colleague invited me to look at couples
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distress through the lens of attachment
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theory and through a model called
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emotionally focused therapy and
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introduced me to dr. Susan Johnson the
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originator of emotionally focused
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therapy also known as EFT this was in
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1997 and this began my first of many
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trainings with dr. Susan Johnson dr.
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Hawkins said the other day in his talk
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that there are divine appointments that
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impact and change the trajectory of our
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life and career and this was definitely
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one for me since then I have integrated
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faith into EFT and it has transformed my
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work with couples and also profound
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impacted my own marriage and
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relationships I was drawn to attachment
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theory and EFT for two reasons first at
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the heart of EFT is attachment theory
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which says that we're wired full love
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and relationships and we do our best and
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flourish in life when we're connected
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with those who are meaningful to us this
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reflects the heart of God when I first
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read attachment theory it spoke so
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deeply to my heart it reminded me of the
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prayer we all know the Sh'ma from
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Deuteronomy that Jesus quoted in Matthew
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22 when he was asked what's the greatest
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commandment boil life down to its bare
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essence Lord what is it and Jesus said
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love the Lord your God with all your
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heart your soul in your mind this is the
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first and the greatest commandment and
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the second is like this love each other
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well love is a special bond that
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connects us and God has wired that into
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us the second reason I was drawn to EFT
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is because it works in the mid 90s there
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I should a huge change in the marriage
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and family field in the early 90s Suzan
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Johnson wrote an article that said there
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has been an explosion in the field of
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marriage therapy and I'd like to say
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that Suzan Johnson brought attachment
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theory to the forefront of the marriage
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and family therapy field and introduced
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emotionally focused therapy that has
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rocked the marriage and family therapy
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field in 1987 sue wrote an article
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introducing the concept that
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relationships are bonds attachment bonds
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it's the stuff that glues us
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together that we seek out the comfort of
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our spouse and when we're connected we
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have this sense of security and when
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we're distressed and we feel our spouse
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isn't there for us alarm sound that
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caused us to do crazy things like
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yelling and defending just to be seen
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and heard this might sound like common
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sense but back then this was
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revolutionary since the 80s and 90s EFT
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continues to be one of the most
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influential changes in the MFT field
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emotionally focused therapy has been one
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of the most researched models over the
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past twenty years and it shows that it
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has about 70 to 75 percent success rate
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and 90% of couples who come to a an
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emotionally focused therapy therapy say
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that 90 percent of them say wow that
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impacted my life EFT is clearly outlined
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in nine steps and it works because it
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gets to the heart of a couple's conflict
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it helps them understand why they're
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stuck arguing and helps them bond so
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they can have more productive
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conversations and really get across what
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they want understood today
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EFT is taught in all major colleges and
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universities in their counseling
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programs and continues to shape and
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influence the marriage and family
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counseling field if you want to become a
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good therapist know an excellent
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therapist I invite you to look up and
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read more about emotionally focused
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therapy and if you'd like to talk to
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myself or Sue we will have a table out
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back to come and understand emotionally
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focused therapy in your work as a
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counselor or lay counselor a review by
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APA said of dr. Johnson's work Susan
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Johnson has taken EFT for couples model
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to a position of great prominence in the
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field of couples therapy
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dr.
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sue Johnson has received numerous awards
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acknowledging her development of EFT and
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her significant contribution to the
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field of marriage and Family Therapy
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she's received the outstanding
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contribution to the field of couple and
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family therapy awarded by a a MFT and
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she's been indicted in to the Order of
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Canada which is the greatest civilian
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honor given by the government for
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outstanding achievement Wow
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that is amazing she's a director yes
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that deserves an applause she's a
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director of the International Center for
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Excellence and emotionally focused
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therapy and can you believe it today dr.
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Susan Johnson agreed to come and share
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with us about creating connections she
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is a friend and a colleague and you will
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love her accent please welcome with me
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dr. Susan Johnson
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[Applause]
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hi everybody im sue
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and I want to say first because it's
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called emotionally focus the stuff I do
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and this is in my heart I want to say
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that I want to thank Tim and everyone
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for inviting me here but I want to say
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that in the last few days walking around
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with you all I have been completely
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touched and amazingly honored by how
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many of you have come up and welcome to
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me and thanked me for my work and told
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me that I've made a difference for you
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and I want you to know that it's
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completely filled my heart so
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so I want to thank you for that and I'm
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honored to be here now I if you I'm the
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sort of person that if you just stand me
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up and talk I will talk to you forever
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and you would have to go get your
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sleeping bags and bring them into the
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hall so I've been incredibly disciplined
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I've actually got notes and I'm going to
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try and actually keep to my notes okay
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and not go off on tangents and things so
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I was thinking about coming here and I
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was thinking about my own experience of
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Christianity and I thought I would start
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by telling you that from the age of four
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to the age of 17 I was educated by the
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nuns of st. Joseph and their
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Christianity was not for the faint of
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heart I was always on my knees in the
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chapel repeating the mandatory 100 Hail
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Marys that you got for being bad and the
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one thing I'm very proud of in my life
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is I bet you that I can say a Hail Mary
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faster than any person on this planet
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because I was afraid to not say the
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hundred right so I used to say them
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really fast so I remember a moment in my
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last year of school when my headmistress
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sister Teresa Joseph who was terrifying
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okay strode into the classroom and fixed
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us all with her steely eyes and asked us
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which one of us had decided to become a
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bride of Christ a nun so there was a
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very long tense paralyzing silence that
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followed and everybody stared at the
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floor and sister Teresa was obviously
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very upset and disappointed by this and
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she said in an incredibly scathing voice
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she challenged us she said girls just
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think of the choice between God
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and mad
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[Laughter]
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so the contempt for the second
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alternative was very clear okay
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so then in this silence we heard a very
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small little voice mutter I'd rather
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have a man and everybody's eyes pivoted
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to me because I was the one that was
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always in trouble and I said I sell
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please don't stop me he's not me
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obviously it's not and it was not me I
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want you to believe me after all these
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years was not me anyway it didn't matter
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because I ended up back in the chapel on
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my knees again the point I want to make
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here is that my headmistress and the
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girl with the small voice were both
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wrong
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seeing romantic love and the love of God
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as somehow separate or even as opposing
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alternatives the new science and it's
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when I say new it's really only about
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fifteen years old this science so it's
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kind of an adolescent okay the new
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science of adult love tells us that
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attachment to a lifelong partner and the
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wisdom of Christian faith which is all
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about our attachment to God sing the
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same song we are created for connection
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and more than this I suggest that we can
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create when we can create a strong bond
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with our partner this love opens us up
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to wholeness and connection with God
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just as in a sacred circle connection
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with God opens us up and shows us how to
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love our partner in our family when I
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watch a couple in my sessions and I love
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seeing a new couple as much now after
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3035 years as I did way back when when
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it was all a big new adventure
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okay but when I watch a couple bond in
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my office you know and I see the
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synchrony and the connection there you
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know you could call that if I'm I'm
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writing a chapter you could call it a
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change event in therapy if I'm doing
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research you could call it a point of
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data or you could say it's a shift in
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the couples the partners psyche you
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could talk about it in all these ways
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but the other thing you could say about
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it is simply that it's a moment of grace
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and it moves me just like it moves my
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couples until the beginning of this
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century human beings had very little
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understanding of the nature of romantic
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love let alone how to make it work
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the first recorded love poem written in
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stone by the king of ER in ancient
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Samaria 4,000 years ago speaks of the
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beauty of his beloved but says nothing
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at all about what love is how to how to
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make it last
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says absolutely nothing to help us right
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and in all the years that followed that
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was basically the picture love was a
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mystery but Christians have had an
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advantage they've always had a very
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special wisdom here first of all simply
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in terms of values the Christian faith
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presents close relationships as sacred
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somebody asked me the other day you know
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well you know you you you're not sure
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you're a religious person but you say
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you're a spiritual person what does that
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mean what do you think is sacred I said
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if you ask me that really it's the
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connection between people that is sacred
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Martin Buber said when two people
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connect authentically God is in the
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electricity between them so the
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Christian faith presents close
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relationships is sacred it honors them
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it sees them as pivotal in growing and
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shaping human beings into wholeness the
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word whole comes
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on the same root as the word holy
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Christian faith honors the ideal of
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lifelong partnerships as sacred
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covenants not as easily disposable
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contracts and as such I want to suggest
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to you the Christian message and
00:15:49
attachment science have much to offer a
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society where as John Cacioppo the
00:15:57
loneliness Reacher says relationships
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are being reduced from an essential to
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an incidental where more and more people
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I'll say they're lonely and have no one
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to depend on and where the idea that
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monogamy is a worthwhile ideal is often
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ridiculed we're often told now by
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so-called experts the secure lasting
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bond with a mate is in fact some kind of
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prison some sort of prison where self
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fulfillment and sexual fulfillment go to
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die I don't think so
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the second element that from an
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attachment point of view places
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Christians ahead of the curve and you
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heard it in the song you heard it in
00:16:54
this this incredible man was singing
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about need right
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the second element the places Christians
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ahead of the curve in really
00:17:04
understanding love is that they are more
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accepting of adult vulnerability we have
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made in our society and in our
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profession what John Bowlby the father
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of attachments is called an appalling
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misjudgment
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we have glorified the idea of
00:17:24
self-sufficiency and we have
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pathologized dependency we have called
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adult partners need for dependable
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closeness and support words like lack of
00:17:35
differentiation a weakness symbiosis or
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just plain immaturity and by the way
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maybe not at this conference we're still
00:17:43
doing that very actively out in the
00:17:46
world in our professions but
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Christianity has always fostered the
00:17:51
acknowledgement of human vulnerability
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and our need for a safe haven to turn to
00:17:57
in life and seen this need as the need
00:18:01
to turn to another person a partner a
00:18:03
fellow Christian or God as a
00:18:06
constructive form of dependency and a
00:18:09
source of wisdom God is a refuge for man
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Psalm 59 I will sing of your strength in
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the morning I will sing of your love for
00:18:20
you are my fortress my refuge in times
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of trouble the tenants of faith fit with
00:18:28
the wisdom of this new science of adult
00:18:31
bonding this science says that romantic
00:18:34
love is not some strange mixture of sex
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and sentiment
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it's an ancient wired in survival code
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it's wired into your genes it's wired
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into every neuron in your brain it is in
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your bones and it's wired in it protects
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you it's a wired in survival code
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is designed to keep people you depend on
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close to you so we have really in many
00:19:04
ways I think we've in secular society
00:19:06
we've completely misunderstood what love
00:19:09
is about the other thing about this
00:19:11
science is that it's eminently practical
00:19:13
it tells us what the key elements in
00:19:16
love are and how to shape them we've
00:19:19
used this science to create EFT which is
00:19:22
arguably the best most effective
00:19:26
intervention for couples at this point
00:19:28
for distressed couples with 17 positive
00:19:31
outcome studies and a number of
00:19:33
excellent follow-up results one thing I
00:19:36
want to stress here is that for us in
00:19:38
the couples therapy field and in the
00:19:40
world of EFT science and faith are
00:19:43
perfectly compatible one story I love is
00:19:47
that a 1919 Sir Arthur Eddington who was
00:19:52
a devout Christian gave a speech to the
00:19:55
Royal Astronomical Society proving the
00:19:58
truth of Einstein's theory of relativity
00:20:00
a theory that was considered thoroughly
00:20:04
sacrilegious at the time he said that
00:20:08
what he'd realized during proving that
00:20:11
the experiment that proved this theory
00:20:13
was the Einsteins way of making sense of
00:20:15
the universe was so elegant and so
00:20:17
beautiful that in it you can hear God
00:20:21
thinking I love that and I suggest we
00:20:27
can say exactly the same for a door
00:20:30
attachment theory the new this new
00:20:34
science links the wisdom of faith and
00:20:37
the wisdom of a door attachment
00:20:40
beautifully and I'm going to try and
00:20:42
tell you because I've only got a little
00:20:43
bit of time I'm gonna try and tell you
00:20:45
there's six ways that it's obvious that
00:20:47
it does this
00:20:49
first of all attachment and faith tell
00:20:54
us that the deepest instinct in man is
00:20:56
the longing for a felt sense of
00:20:59
connection with special other's parents
00:21:02
partners and a loving God emotional
00:21:05
isolation is inherently traumatizing for
00:21:08
human beings
00:21:09
this longing becomes more acute when
00:21:12
uncertainty and danger threaten us but
00:21:15
it's always there it is biology it is
00:21:20
bred into our bones connection with a
00:21:23
trusted other tranquilizes our nervous
00:21:26
system and helps us find our balance in
00:21:29
a stressful world the need for
00:21:32
connection has structured our nervous
00:21:34
system and for example one little
00:21:36
example of that is when we make love we
00:21:38
are flooded with a bonding hormone
00:21:40
oxytocin and that bonding hormone
00:21:43
actually helps our brains be more
00:21:46
sensitive to the cues that are coming
00:21:49
towards us from the person in front of
00:21:51
us it helps us read their intentions
00:21:54
more exquisitely it helps us tune into
00:21:57
the expression on their faces
00:21:58
think about the exquisite elegance of
00:22:01
this exquisite elegance of that system
00:22:04
the science of bonding has
00:22:07
revolutionized how we see and parent our
00:22:09
children in the last 50 years and now
00:22:12
it's time for this science and for
00:22:16
Christian couples to show the world how
00:22:19
to build the lasting bonds that bring us
00:22:22
home to a sense of being safe and sound
00:22:26
in a loving universe can I have the
00:22:29
first slide please one way of thinking
00:22:32
about this is that this little girl's
00:22:34
brain her whole being was born expecting
00:22:40
those hands to be there and for her to
00:22:44
survive let alone thrive those hands
00:22:49
have to be there the revolutionary thing
00:22:52
is that John Bowlby who didn't really
00:22:54
get around to developing adult
00:22:55
attachment said this isn't just when
00:22:58
we're small like this this goes from the
00:23:01
cradle to the grave
00:23:03
the second point from attachment a and
00:23:08
unfaith is the attachment says that love
00:23:12
is not all about infatuation it's about
00:23:14
seeking a safe haven in life but that's
00:23:18
kind of a big fat
00:23:20
abstract idea isn't it well let me just
00:23:23
twist it a bit and say from this point
00:23:26
of view there's really only one core
00:23:29
question that couples ask each other and
00:23:33
the answer defines everything the core
00:23:36
question is are you there for me do i
00:23:40
matter to you will you turn to me when I
00:23:42
need can I reach and have you respond
00:23:45
are you there for me if the answer is
00:23:48
anything but yes I guarantee the
00:23:50
relationship is in trouble but let's
00:23:53
just turn this safe-haven idea into
00:23:55
tangible science I'm going to tell you
00:23:58
about a little study we did a brain scan
00:24:00
study as part of a large study on
00:24:02
bonding an attachment with distressed
00:24:05
insecurely attached couples in our lab
00:24:08
we put female partners in a brain scan
00:24:11
machine and we told them that when they
00:24:14
saw an X in front of their face
00:24:16
there was about a 30 40 % chance that
00:24:19
they were going to be shocked on their
00:24:21
ankles
00:24:21
I actually thought felt like a real
00:24:24
psychologist for the first time ever
00:24:26
because I got to shock people okay okay
00:24:32
so and by the way the shocks hurt okay
00:24:35
they hurt okay so so we put them in the
00:24:39
machine before a couple therapy and we
00:24:42
they were in three different conditions
00:24:44
we put them in alone in the machine with
00:24:47
a stranger holding their hand or with
00:24:50
their partner holding their hand they're
00:24:52
distressed their relationships not going
00:24:55
well in all three conditions when they
00:24:59
saw the X they're brain lit up like the
00:25:02
fourth of July alarm alarm alarm all the
00:25:05
alarm bells went off and if you ask them
00:25:07
if the shock hurt they said yes it was
00:25:10
very painful what is really interesting
00:25:13
is that after therapy when the therapist
00:25:18
has structured these bonding
00:25:20
interactions for the couple it was
00:25:23
exactly the same when they were alone
00:25:25
and with the stranger fourth of July
00:25:28
pain it was exactly the same but this
00:25:31
time
00:25:32
when the X appeared and they held their
00:25:36
partner's hand their brain stayed
00:25:39
completely calm and the reported that
00:25:44
the shock was only uncomfortable it
00:25:48
looked like this and we have that slide
00:25:50
please notice the red looks like the
00:25:54
fourth of July and the blue is a resting
00:25:57
brain so after therapy when the person
00:26:00
was holding their partner's hand who
00:26:02
they now feel close and connected with
00:26:04
who's a safe haven for them the threat
00:26:06
comes and their brain stays calm I did
00:26:10
ask my colleague who did this with me
00:26:12
scientist called Jim Cohn from the
00:26:15
University of Virginia what the blue
00:26:17
piece is meant and he said to me it
00:26:20
means they're not dead sue I said jolly
00:26:27
good okay
00:26:32
changing attachment encounters in the
00:26:36
direction of responsiveness changes how
00:26:39
the brain operates how threat is
00:26:42
perceived I just want you to hold that
00:26:45
thought for a minute because just think
00:26:47
about that that's really interesting we
00:26:50
do something in therapy right and we
00:26:54
change interactions this live thing
00:26:57
called a dance of a relationship we
00:27:00
change interactions and that actually
00:27:03
turns into a biological response it
00:27:06
chain it goes from interaction to
00:27:09
biology it changes how our brain
00:27:11
perceives threat because danger you cope
00:27:15
with danger differently when you are
00:27:17
emotionally alone or when the person you
00:27:20
can depend on stands beside you it's a
00:27:23
whole different thing and of course we
00:27:27
read in John perfect love casteth out
00:27:33
fear
00:27:35
number three point three attachment
00:27:38
science and the Bible also tells us that
00:27:40
love makes us stronger gives us a secure
00:27:43
base from which to go out into the life
00:27:46
Psalm 138 on the day I called you
00:27:51
answered me you made me bold with
00:27:53
strength in my soul acknowledging our
00:27:57
need and knowing that there's another
00:27:59
who has our back makes us stronger and
00:28:01
we see this in couples therapy people
00:28:04
are afraid to admit their
00:28:06
vulnerabilities we are all afraid of
00:28:08
rejection and abandonment but when
00:28:11
they're able to speak in a new open way
00:28:13
to a partner who is now ready to respond
00:28:16
they find that they and their
00:28:19
relationship are stronger beautiful
00:28:21
study on the results of 9/11 by an
00:28:24
attachment researcher called Chris
00:28:26
Fraley found that the people who said
00:28:29
they had a secure bond one secure bond a
00:28:33
person they could turn to and confide in
00:28:35
and be held by and have be comforted by
00:28:39
they really seem to deal with 9/11 these
00:28:42
people who are really in the area close
00:28:44
to the towers they really seem to deal
00:28:47
with it very well 18 months later they
00:28:49
were doing very well not so the people
00:28:53
who said well maybe people were there
00:28:55
for me but no they weren't and I can
00:28:57
deal with it on my own right so this is
00:28:59
very concrete at this point secure
00:29:02
connection being able to turn to another
00:29:04
and reach for them and get them to
00:29:08
respond to you secure connection has
00:29:10
been linked in research to every
00:29:12
Christian ideal who about who we aspire
00:29:15
to be security Foster's compassion
00:29:18
openness altruism resilience to stress
00:29:21
at all certain aswer needed flexibility
00:29:25
and problem-solving and most of all it
00:29:28
fosters our ability to balance and
00:29:31
regulate our emotions for those of you
00:29:36
know me one of my big passions in life
00:29:39
is I dance Argentine tango it's really
00:29:42
silly but I do okay what I'm what you
00:29:46
learn about Argentine tango is you spend
00:29:48
most of the time in Argentine tango
00:29:49
standing on one leg hours okay so but
00:29:55
it's okay because you're in an embrace
00:29:57
and this present balances you here and
00:30:00
balances you here and when you start to
00:30:02
lose your balance they bring you back
00:30:04
into balance with the embrace and when
00:30:07
you're balanced do you have choice about
00:30:09
how you move you can move in any
00:30:12
direction when you're off balance
00:30:15
totally anxious or trying to push down
00:30:18
all kinds of emotions you have no choice
00:30:21
where you move you just fall okay so
00:30:25
we're talking about connection with
00:30:27
other people brings you into emotional
00:30:29
balance and of course secure bonds with
00:30:33
others have she been shown to foster
00:30:34
greater commitment to one's religious
00:30:36
beliefs and a more mature spirituality
00:30:39
point for separateness hurts one of the
00:30:43
other speakers said that one way of
00:30:45
understanding sin is that its
00:30:47
separateness from God when we realize we
00:30:50
cannot count on anyone and we are
00:30:52
isolated every neuron in our brain
00:30:56
knows that we are at risk this is
00:30:58
dangerous
00:30:59
rejection from others is coded in the
00:31:02
same part of the brain and exactly in
00:31:04
the same way as physical pain your brain
00:31:08
doesn't really separate those two
00:31:11
stepping on a nails dangerous rejection
00:31:15
from the person that you need most in
00:31:16
the world is dangerous right
00:31:18
and this is why stonewalling in
00:31:20
distressed relationships shutting down
00:31:23
and shutting your partner out is one of
00:31:26
the most disastrous responses to marital
00:31:28
conflict it creates a kind of primal
00:31:30
panic in the brain this pain is echoed
00:31:34
by religious writers who speak of
00:31:36
separateness from God as the dark night
00:31:38
of the soul when we I was writing
00:31:42
created for connection with my wonderful
00:31:44
colleague Kenny sandifer I went and read
00:31:47
the diaries of Mother Teresa and they
00:31:51
are amazingly moving and one of the
00:31:54
things that was really difficult to read
00:31:56
was that she felt that at some point in
00:31:58
her life a little later in her life she
00:32:01
said she lost her connection with Christ
00:32:03
and she talks about it as an agony of
00:32:07
desolation all this means that when you
00:32:11
see unhappy couples in therapy there is
00:32:14
often no point in giving them advice
00:32:17
training them in skills or reasoning
00:32:20
with them wrong channel they are in
00:32:24
freefall they are flooded with fear and
00:32:27
grief if you understand attachment you
00:32:30
can help them make sense of and process
00:32:32
these emotions and learn how not to
00:32:34
trigger their partner and how to send
00:32:37
signals that evoke new responsiveness
00:32:40
from their partner when pain and panic
00:32:43
hit in relationships if there's no
00:32:45
soothing closeness we automatically move
00:32:48
into anxious flight or numbed out
00:32:51
anxious fight or numbed out flight
00:32:54
number five attachment science gives
00:32:58
priority to how we deal with our
00:33:00
emotions in the dance with special
00:33:02
others what music we play in the dance
00:33:06
and certain emotional styles and
00:33:09
strategies and ways of thinking about
00:33:11
relationships work much better than
00:33:12
others
00:33:13
a secure style where we basically trust
00:33:17
other people we can acknowledge our
00:33:20
needs and reach for others offers us the
00:33:23
best chance of safe connection if we can
00:33:26
never seem to find this Haven there's
00:33:28
really only two other steps that we know
00:33:30
as human beings we end up upping the
00:33:33
ante and demanding closeness and going
00:33:35
for control I why don't you love me I
00:33:38
want us to go on dates why don't we go
00:33:40
out on dates and we call this anxious
00:33:42
attachment or we shut down and try to
00:33:45
deny our vulnerability I really don't
00:33:48
need to talk to you I'm just fine on my
00:33:49
own and we call this avoidant attachment
00:33:51
most of the time reaching is the most
00:33:54
functional strategy but if we've been
00:33:56
really wounded this is pretty hard to do
00:33:59
psychologist Kevin bird finds that
00:34:02
secure folks when they pray they pray to
00:34:07
the ultimate attachment figure their God
00:34:09
they pray in a meditative conversational
00:34:13
way they reach for connection with their
00:34:16
God from a place of emotional balance
00:34:19
they invite God in whereas when we get
00:34:22
caught in anxious attachment we tend to
00:34:25
intensely petition God for help and we
00:34:28
get caught in anger if we don't get what
00:34:31
we think we need or if we're avoidant ly
00:34:34
attached we tend to think that God
00:34:37
doesn't love us anyway so why invest and
00:34:40
we surround our heart with walls if God
00:34:43
responds we don't even see it or trust
00:34:45
it these emotional styles play out and
00:34:48
define our encounters with our partners
00:34:50
and with God this is good to know
00:34:52
because research says that we can always
00:34:58
learn to deal with our emotions
00:35:00
differently and we can change our
00:35:02
attachment style and we know how to do
00:35:05
that when the emotional music changes
00:35:08
the dance the patterns that define a
00:35:10
relationship also change lastly and I
00:35:15
like this one best I think
00:35:17
from a point of view of merging
00:35:19
attachment and faith the last link
00:35:22
between attachment and the teachings of
00:35:23
faith is perhaps the most important of
00:35:25
all attachment pins down the specific
00:35:29
responses that shape a loving bond the
00:35:32
key question are you there for me we can
00:35:35
think of ar e are you there are you
00:35:38
accessible responsive and engaged in all
00:35:43
our studies of how couples turn their
00:35:45
relationships around we consistently
00:35:47
find that these bonding conversations
00:35:50
where partner's become open responsive
00:35:53
and engaged predict all the positive
00:35:57
results of our therapy satisfaction
00:36:00
trust and more secure bonding Kerry
00:36:03
opens up to his wife and admits his fear
00:36:05
that he doesn't feel that he's good
00:36:08
enough for her he reaches for her
00:36:11
reassurance she responds with
00:36:13
reassurance saying that she wants him
00:36:16
she wants him with her he doesn't have
00:36:20
to be perfect
00:36:21
he just has to be there their engagement
00:36:24
with each other in this moment is like a
00:36:26
kind of a trance it looks just like
00:36:29
falling in love
00:36:32
attachment for science tells us that we
00:36:35
can come back from times of
00:36:36
disconnection and fall in love again and
00:36:40
again over a lifetime that's a miracle
00:36:48
[Applause]
00:36:53
but the very best model for all these ar
00:36:56
e responses is Jesus himself always in
00:37:02
every story in the Gospels except where
00:37:05
he takes the moneylenders and drives
00:37:07
them out of the temple not that one okay
00:37:09
but always in every story Christ is
00:37:13
reachable especially to people in need
00:37:17
the woman with the issue of blood is one
00:37:19
of those stories she reaches out she
00:37:21
touches his robe and everyone's trying
00:37:24
to keep her away from him and what does
00:37:26
he do he sees her vulnerability and he
00:37:30
turns to her and he tenderly responds to
00:37:33
her he joins with her
00:37:35
he shows us exactly what accessibility
00:37:38
responsiveness and engagement looks like
00:37:41
he shows us in a very specific way how
00:37:45
to love where do we learn to love where
00:37:53
does God if God is about connection
00:37:55
where does he show up in our lives and I
00:37:57
asked myself that when I was thinking
00:37:59
about this talk this image came up for
00:38:02
me so I thought I would share it with
00:38:04
you sometimes this sense of connection
00:38:07
takes us by surprise but it's always
00:38:09
about connection so I'm on holiday in
00:38:12
Morocco in a bustling spike mark spice
00:38:15
market in the city of meknes and a tiny
00:38:20
elderly lady is sitting on the stone
00:38:23
pathway her face is lined and my sense
00:38:28
is that she has gone through more
00:38:30
hardship than I can ever imagine her
00:38:33
head is down and her hands are held
00:38:36
above her head like this and she's
00:38:42
begging for arms and I walk past because
00:38:47
we've been told to ignore beggars but I
00:38:52
can't so I go back and I take the money
00:38:56
I have and I say in Arabic a phrase that
00:39:01
I had just happened to
00:39:03
learn by accident the day before I say
00:39:07
for you mother and it's still touch it
00:39:13
touches me every time I say it she looks
00:39:15
up at me and as our eyes meet the world
00:39:19
shifts there are just the two of us just
00:39:23
us and in perfect English she whispers
00:39:28
bless you my child
00:39:31
and I am feel blessed and I weep and
00:39:36
weep and weep and I don't know why I
00:39:38
weep I'm not even quite sure now why I
00:39:41
weep maybe this is what we mean when we
00:39:45
talk of God touching her heart
00:39:49
attachment like many spiritual writings
00:39:51
opens the book to the human heart what
00:39:54
is the message here for us as therapists
00:39:56
it is that at last there is a
00:40:00
perspective that makes sense of romantic
00:40:02
love tells us what love is tells us what
00:40:05
makes it work tells us what derails it
00:40:09
emotional disconnection derails it that
00:40:13
is the problem conflict is the
00:40:15
inflammation the virus is emotional
00:40:19
disconnection for Christians especially
00:40:22
this perspective has to resonate because
00:40:25
they have already read John anyone who
00:40:29
loves is born of God and knows God
00:40:31
because for God is love
00:40:34
the couple therapists in fact all
00:40:38
therapists have to see human beings as
00:40:42
primary social bonding emotional beings
00:40:45
to see the primary need for connection
00:40:48
and to honor it and to build corrective
00:40:52
experiences of connection in your
00:40:54
sessions this is the path to
00:40:56
transformation to what is whole holy and
00:41:00
for me the experience of Grace if we
00:41:03
look at this child again do we have the
00:41:07
child again maybe we don't if we look at
00:41:11
the baby again
00:41:13
the baby holding right I'm going to ask
00:41:16
you is that really an infant and a
00:41:18
parent or is that every one of us in the
00:41:21
hands of God either way it's all about
00:41:25
attachment so I'm going to end with my
00:41:29
favorite hymn which is also a hymn to
00:41:32
attachment it basically says you are not
00:41:34
alone on the vast ocean of life and I
00:41:38
defy you when you hear these words to
00:41:41
not have your heart stir to not resonate
00:41:43
with your body abide with me fast Falls
00:41:49
the Eventide the darkness deepens still
00:41:54
with me abide when other helpers fail
00:41:59
and comforts flee help of the helpless o
00:42:04
abide with me thank you
00:42:09
[Applause]
