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[Music]
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This is Children's Health Checkup, where
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we answer parents most common questions
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about raising healthy and happy kids.
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Today, we're diving into the topic, how
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to do a mental health check-in with
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kids, what it is, why it's important,
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and its effect on children. Our expert
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is Marjorie Brown. She's a behavioral
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health care manager at Children's
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Health. I'm Cheryl Martin. Marjorie,
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delighted to have you on. Hi, thank you.
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I'm so happy to be here. So, first,
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Marjorie, what is a mental health
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check-in and why is it important for
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children? So, a mental health check-in
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is really any way that you can check in
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or check up on someone's emotional
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well-being and where they're at in that
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time. So, it can be as simple as, "How
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was your day today?" or "How are you
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feeling? What's been going on in your
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life?" It can range from really quick
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questions to more deeper ones. So, how
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often should parents check in with their
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kids, especially about their emotions?
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Yeah. So, checking in with your kids
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about your emotions really can be a
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daily thing. It's something that you can
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check in when they wake up. How did you
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sleep? How are you feeling this morning?
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when you're picking them up from school,
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how was school today? How did you feel
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about class? Did you have any hard tests
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at dinner? You can ask how are they
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doing? How's things been going with
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friends, family? So, those kind of
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things you can integrate little
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check-ins into your daily life. I would
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think that if there's any concerns that
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you would want to kind of do a more
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indepth and targeted check-in at least
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once a week where you and your child can
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sit together and really talk about
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what's been going on, how they've been
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feeling and just do kind of a pulse
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check for both of you to make sure
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you're on the same page and you know
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what's going on in their life. So, how
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would that once a week indepth check-in
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look? What questions probably should be
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asked then?
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So, I would say that it should be
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something that's very intentional.
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Nothing that you're doing while you're
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also working or while you're watching TV
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or while they're scrolling on their
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phone. Make sure that you guys are
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giving each other your full attention.
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And you can ask your child, how have
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they been feeling this week? Maybe
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what's the hardest part of your week
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been or your day been? What's made you
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really happy? Anything that you want to
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share with me? Is there anything I can
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help you with? Have you had any rough
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experiences that you need our support
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with? Things like that. Now, I have been
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hearing, of course, we hear almost in
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the news every week about bullying or
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fights at school. Should a parent ask a
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child that question directly? Aside from
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any problems with kids, has anyone been
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bullying you? Yes, that is a question
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that you can ask directly. I always say
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the parents know their child best and
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many times when there's something going
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on with your child, you're going to kind
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of recognize some signs. If you suspect
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that someone's bullying your child,
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causing them like any kind of hurt or
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harm at school or in any after school
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activities, I think the best thing to do
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is ask directly. Now, most kids are not
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going to exactly want to share that off
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batch. So, you can ask them, "Are there
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any other kids in your class that you're
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having problems with?" anybody that you
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don't get along with so much, anybody
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that's making you feel afraid or that
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you're worried about. And when they do
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answer you, I tell parents, try to lead
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with empathy and understanding first and
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save the judgment for when you're alone
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and not in front of the child. So, one
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of the things that can cause a child to
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really shut down are overly exaggerated
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responses or they're worried that you're
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going to take information and maybe go
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to the teacher or the child's parent
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themselves that you're going to jump
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into parent mode understandably, but it
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does cause them to maybe want to shut
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down or not share as much. So, I would
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definitely ask directly and just try to
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be as open and understanding, listening,
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empathetic, non-judgmental as possible.
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I would think most parents, if the child
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confesses that there's another kid who's
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bullying me, the first instinct is, I
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want to go down to the school and take
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care of this. And the kid is like, no,
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no, no. So, how does a parent handle
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this? And I'm asking because I read the
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story of this 10-year-old girl who
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committed suicide. She was being
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bullied. She had shared it with her
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parents and they did go to the school, I
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think. And the administrator says, you
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know, we've taken care of this and they
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wanted to do more and the kid was just
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nervous about that. Yeah. So 10 years
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old, honestly, really 10 and up, life is
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very socially important for children. So
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they're caring a lot about what other
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kids think of them, their peers, their
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relationships with them, almost more so
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than sometimes their family. And that's
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developmentally appropriate. And so what
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feels like for you as a parent is doing
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the right thing, letting someone else's
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going on can make the child feel really
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scared, right, and really nervous and
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makes it like it's really really huge
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for them in the moment and almost worse.
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Now, as a parent, your first job is to
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protect your child. So, like as a
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therapist, I tell kids all the time that
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there's certain things that I have to do
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something about if you share them with
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me and there's different ways we can go
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about handling that once it happens. So,
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I would definitely allow the child to
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have a say in how you guys proceed next.
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Is this going to be a would you prefer
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that I talk to the other kids's parent
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first and not bring it to school? Would
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you prefer that I talk to your school
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counselor? That's someone who may not
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bring this up in class with you guys and
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may be able to talk to you and manage
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this without the rest of the school
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knowing. Depending on the severity of
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it, you might say, "My options are to
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talk to the teacher or to talk to the
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parent. Which one would you choose?" And
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that way they get to at the very least
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make a choice in what's going on and
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they feel a little bit more in control.
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Like in a situation where someone's
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being bullied, they feel like a lot of
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things are going on outside of their
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control. There's a lot of anxiety and
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fear and sometimes the threats that the
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bully may make may make them think this
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is going to be even worse if the
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principal knows or if the parent knows.
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I would just reassure the child that
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you're there to keep them safe. You're
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going to be with them every step of the
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way and we're going to process this
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together and just try to find ways in
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which you feel comfortable giving them a
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space to choose. Like I said earlier,
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whether that's we can tell the principal
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together, we can tell the parent
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together, you can choose which one you
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want to do, or I can tell the principal
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by myself, or we can tell the principal
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together, you can choose which one you
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feel more comfortable with. Giving them
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that kind of choice and making sure that
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both choices are healthy and safe, and
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you feel good with them. So if a parent
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is concerned, do you recommend they
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offer different scenarios on how to
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handle the situation or do you suggest
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they take the child to a counselor or
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therapist who can give them coping
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mechanisms? I honestly I suggest both.
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So you're the first line of defense for
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your child. Like I said earlier, you
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know them the best. They trust you. I
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would talk to them. Get as many details
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as possible. And if you feel that it's
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gotten to the point where they need to
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see a therapist, then that could be the
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next step and you can explain it to your
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child. It's just that like I want you
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able to talk to somebody judgment free.
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I want them to be able to help you and I
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want you to be able to have all the
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resources that you need to handle this.
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And so the next step is we're going to
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go talk to someone. You have your own
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space to process everything that's going
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on. But first step would be getting the
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details because we want to know exactly
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what's going on, how bad it may be, and
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what needs to be managed.
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Now, what if the child just doesn't want
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to talk about it? How should the parent
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respond?
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Yeah. Well, that's pretty common to be
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honest, especially with teenagers, but
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very, very common where even if we're
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doing just a baseline mental health
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check-in or something deeper, they don't
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really want to talk. It can be scary. It
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can be anxietyprovoking. Some kids are
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just not very talkative. So what I would
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say is allow your child to communicate
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in whatever way they feel best
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communicating. Sometimes that may be
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drawing, right? So everyone doesn't need
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to sit down in a chair and look each
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other dead in the eye and have a very
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tough conversation. Sometimes we may
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draw together and in that we're talking
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with younger kids that I work with.
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meets one of the doll houses and they
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act out scenarios with the dolls and I
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say, "Oh, I wonder if this doll is
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feeling sad or scared and then they say,
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"Yeah, she's really scared of this. Have
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you ever felt that way? Yeah, felt this
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way. This this happened." Sometimes it's
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easier to talk about an object than
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yourself directly, but you can get
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there. I think the primary thing is
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about patience, not trying to force a
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conversation. With my older kids, I
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would say let them know, hey, I know you
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might not really want to talk right now,
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but I'm here when you need me. And then
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maybe going back to it later. So
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sometimes trying to force your child,
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your teenager to talk really just makes
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things worse and they feel backed into a
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corner. So taking that space just let
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them know that I'm here no matter what.
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They may come to you. Marjorie, at what
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age should parents start checking in on
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their child's mental health? I would say
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as soon as they can communicate, you can
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start checking in. As soon as your child
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is starting to like learn words, we can
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introduce feeling words. So, happy, sad,
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mad, and you can go on Google. I've
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worked with kids as young as four. You
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can go on Google, find what I call a
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feelings chart. It's just a bunch of
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faces with different feelings on them.
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and let them know this is a happy face,
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this is a sad face, and how do you feel
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right now? And they can point to the one
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that they feel. And what that does is it
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really normalizes this. So, it's harder
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when they're a teenager, you're just now
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coming to them with these kind of like
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let's talk about your feelings. But when
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they're younger and you introduce this
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as part of just their daily life, it's
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just a norm. When you guys are watching
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TV together, just like how I kind of
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mentioned the dolls, you can say, "I
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wonder how they feel right now." in a
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scenario that you're watching on a show
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and they may say, "Oh, that would
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probably make me really mad or she seems
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upset, but I don't think that would
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bother me." That's a way to kind of just
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check in to see where your child is
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emotionally and understand their
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temperament. So, like I said earlier,
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there are little ways that you can do
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it, just checking in while you're
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driving home, while you're getting
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dinner. And then there are some more
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intentional ways. But I do think you can
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start as early as probably like three
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years old to ask them, "How do you feel
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right now? You have really big feelings.
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You seem angry. You seem sad. You're
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really happy." Reflecting those feelings
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lets them know how to put words to
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what's going on inside them. I really
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like what you're saying
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because I think in certain instances a
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child, unless he or she is asked, will
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not tell
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you. And if you start this early, and I
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love what you said, you could almost
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have a check-in every day, it becomes a
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normal routine. And I think especially
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if the parent listens well, you are
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establishing this relationship of
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intimacy and that my parent really cares
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and is in tune with what I'm going
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through. Yes, definitely. I think it's
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important also because I've known people
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who
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experienced abuse and bullying and their
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parents never asked and the abuser would
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say if you tell someone they will not
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believe you or I think some could
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threaten the child. So wouldn't you see
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that by having the daily check-in that
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the child would be more apt to trust the
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parent and to go to the parent? Yeah. if
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this is something that's already been
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established, it doesn't seem like it's
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coming out of left field. So, they'd be
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more likely to tell their parent. And if
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you already kind of have an
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understanding of your child's normal
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temperament, when you start to notice
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little things that are off, then you can
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say, "This may be something bigger. I
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need to dig a little bit deeper and see
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what's going on." Like I said earlier, I
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say it all the time, you know your
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children the best. So, you will know
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when something seems a little bit off.
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Often when you're doing these regular
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check-ins, are you noticing typically
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they're fine with these? We enjoy these.
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We talk a lot, but today it seems like
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uh they don't really want to talk. And
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okay, maybe it's just today, but it
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seems like, okay, this week they don't
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really want to talk. Or every day after
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soccer practice, they seem down. I
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wonder what's going on there. And then
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that way you can kind of ask more
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targeted questions like, okay, it seems
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like after soccer practice, you're
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having a bad time. Is everything okay?
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is something wrong, anything that we can
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help with and that can kind of open the
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door to have them open up and talk more
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about whatever's going on. Great.
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Marjorie, what is the most important
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message you want parents to take away
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from this conversation? Yeah, I would
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love parents to feel like they have more
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control in this relationship. That
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mental health isn't a really big scary
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word. Sometimes I've talked to parents
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who notice things, but they're scared to
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talk to their kids. They're scared to
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bring it up cuz they don't want to make
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it worse or they don't know how to
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approach it. And it doesn't have to be
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that scary. It can be just as simple as
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like I said earlier, just in the
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morning, hey, how are you feeling? What
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are you excited about today? What's
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making you nervous? Things like that.
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And then as you and your child grow
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together, you trust each other with
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these conversations and with these heavy
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topics. And just like you want your
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child to check in with you and be open
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with you, you can be open with your
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child. So if you're feeling frustrated
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one day, I would say that out loud so
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the child knows, oh, this is what
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frustration looks like and my parent
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handle it in a healthy way. If you're
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feeling really happy about something,
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let them know that all these feelings
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are normal. They're not scary. They're
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nothing to hide. It's just something
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that we learn to live with and manage.
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and it should be something that's
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celebrated that we have all these
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feelings inside of us. Nothing to be
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afraid of. Any other advice you care to
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offer to parents or caregivers as we
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close? I would say that if you do have
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any concerns about your child's mental
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health, if you do notice any big changes
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and you're worried, we do our mental
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health check-in. We ask our child. We
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can also check in with the teachers,
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other adults to see them, see if they're
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seeing any pattern changes. And then I
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want them to feel like they do have
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resources on hand. I would say that the
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first step would be maybe to go to the
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child's primary care provider or their
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doctor and they can talk to them about
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what's going on. Our children's doctors
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and TCPs do have experience and ways to
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deal with mental health and provide you
00:15:49
with resources. So if you don't know
00:15:51
where to start, your PCP is a great
00:15:54
place. Here at Children's Health, the
00:15:57
program that I work for is called Big.
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We actually train PCPs in how to spot
00:16:02
these things in mental health and how to
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like they can handle it too so they can
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spot anxiety and depression in children
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so they can help you guys manage them
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and provide them with resources.
00:16:14
Marjgerie Brown, thank you so much for
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talking about just the importance of a
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mental health check-in for kids and
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giving parents these great tips on how
00:16:25
to start the conversation with their
00:16:27
child. Great information. Thank you. Of
00:16:31
course. Thank you so much for having me.
00:16:34
For more information on how to support
00:16:36
your child and their mental health,
00:16:39
visit
00:16:42
children's.com/mentalhealth. Thank you
00:16:44
for listening to Children's Health
00:16:45
Checkup. If you found this podcast
00:16:47
helpful, please rate and review or share
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