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people that are supremely confident when
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they enter the room
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they feel comfortable in that room
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they don't hesitate to look around their
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gestures are smooth
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but they're very broad and that has to
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do with confidence and for a lot of
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people this is very difficult
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i remember the great actress helen
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mirren saying one of the most difficult
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things to learn as an actress is how to
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walk onto a scene i've thought about
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that even in my career how early on the
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difficulty of mastering that how do you
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walk onto a crime scene how do you walk
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into the public and demonstrate that i
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am confident and so forth we can all
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work a little bit
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on our non-verbal so we come across as
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more confident
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[Music]
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when we talk about confidence it's so
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many things it has to do with our
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posture the way we present how we look
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where's our chin where are the eyes
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looking and gazing our gestures are
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loose but they're smoother as we walk
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about
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we walk as though we are on a mission
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i'm walking out to shake your hand or
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i'm walking out to a podium or i'm
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walking to where i'm going to sit so the
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less confident we are the less eye
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contact we make the less confident we
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are the more reluctant we are to look
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about you know when i look at someone i
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admire like colin powell when he walks
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onto a stage even before he speaks he
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has total command of the room and he
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does that because he brings two things
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into this equation one is a tremendous
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amount of knowledge and experience plus
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he has shaped and defined himself into a
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statesman we've got to think of america
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as a family where every member of the
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family cares about every other member of
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the family i think sometimes people
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mistake
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machismo or theatrical displays of power
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as confidence confidence can be very
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quiet jane goodall hears this ethologist
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very meek very mild and yet wherever she
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goes she commands the room one of the
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things you notice is they sort of have
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this command of themselves and in doing
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so that command
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transmits outward
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the other thing that confident people
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realize is the temporal aspect of
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leadership if you're in charge you're in
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charge of time i'm going to take my time
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to walk out i'm going to take my time to
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answer your question i will answer it
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in the pace manner and tone that i
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choose and in doing that we are
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demonstrating that we are confident
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and in control
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[Music]
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where do we get that confident voice
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where do we get those confident gestures
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this is what's called socialization we
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notice the principal who acts this way
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we like this leader because of this or
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that trait so i try to model their
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behaviors and say this is a shortcut and
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if i have to work on my vocabulary
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that's what high status people do if i
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have to change my gestures to to fit in
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in this society and then
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that's what i'm going to have to do that
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doesn't mean it changes me
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completely it just means that this is
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what is required of me and this is what
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i want to achieve at this moment in time
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i think of cary grant here's an
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individual born in the uk grew up very
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poor and as he said in his biography i
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became cary grant i adopted all the
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behaviors that i saw from high status
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individuals just think about that but
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make up your mind and it is difficult to
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prescribe this but one of the easiest
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things that we can do you know if you're
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a woman maybe you want to model yourself
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on the actress kate blanchette or some
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other actor and say you know when
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they're being interviewed how do they
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look they look so confident they look
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interesting they have such a command
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presence you know we're not born this
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way these are things that we have to
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develop and say how do i want to be
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perceived and what can i do to achieve
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that
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[Music]
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are there better behaviors that you can
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do here's a simple one how many of you
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somebody says where'd they go and you go
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like this and as it turns out this is
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one of the most hated signs around the
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world and yet if we just go like this he
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went that way we're already perceived
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differently little things i tell the
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story often of when i first came into
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law enforcement they said well you know
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you you've got to get out there and make
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some arrests and the first time i went
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out there and my voice just
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went really high stop you're under
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arrest
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that sounds horrible and you have to
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work at having that command presence
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where you say stop right there
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don't move
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that's almost theatrical yeah but it's
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what is needed
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so let's do this exercise i want you to
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say no
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just go ahead say it out loud
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all right now let's do it right
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say it as i say it
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no
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no
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no
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do you see the difference between the
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way you said it and this way did you
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notice that your voice kept getting
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deeper
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but did you also notice that the finger
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became wider and wider
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the more confident you became
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the wider your fingers were spreading
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there's a big difference between saying
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no stop and going no stop
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this
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potentiates the message
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but to get to this we actually have to
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practice it so let's do it again
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no
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now go out there and teach your children
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how to do that
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i love sometimes
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selfies in the mirror one of my pet
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peeves is what we hear every day with
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what's called up talk up talk is where
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someone says something and then they end
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making it sound like a question mark so
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so it sounds like this four score and
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seven years ago four score and seven
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years ago our fathers
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brought forth on this continent our
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fathers brought forth upon this
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continent
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a new nation my company has done
00:07:08
research on this and we've asked ceos
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and we've asked executives and some will
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say well you know i've gotten used to it
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and so forth but when we asked them does
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it really matter they also yeah we'd
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rather not see it i get pushback from
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people that say well you know this is
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just the way that i speak
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and no doubt
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but don't expect the same results
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we choose to go to the moon in this
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decade and do the other things not
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because they are easy but because they
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are hard
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because that goal
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will serve to organize and measure the
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best
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of our energies and skills
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the cadence in our speech is extremely
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powerful for a couple of reasons one we
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know that when people machine gun a
00:08:02
statement when they talk very fast we
00:08:04
are less likely to listen to them over a
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long period of time but when we talk
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in cadence we are sort of held still
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listening to
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what will come next and i'll give you an
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example
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of from that great speech
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martin luther king gave as you notice
00:08:24
with a cadence i have a dream
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i have a dream and then he pauses
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that one day
00:08:32
and then he goes on
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and churchill used the same thing
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churchill's notes literally would create
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spaces for how long he would pause
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from stephen
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in the baltic
00:08:47
to trieste in the adriatic
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an iron curtain has descended across the
00:08:52
continent these pauses
00:08:55
make people listen and one of the things
00:08:58
that we teach is if you want people to
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listen to you
00:09:02
use cadence to get their attention hold
00:09:06
their attention but then look forward to
00:09:09
what that next set of words will be it
00:09:12
lets them know at a subconscious level
00:09:15
this is the person in charge and we know
00:09:17
that they're in charge because they have
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temporal control
00:09:22
over this they're not in a hurry
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[Music]
00:09:27
so you know a lot of times people say to
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me well is does confidence look like
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you know chest out shoulders back chin
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up
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yeah that looks pretty good but you know
00:09:39
a lot of times confidence is just
00:09:41
sitting comfortably in a chair
00:09:44
and that may have more to do with how
00:09:47
much space you control it may have to do
00:09:50
with the gestures that you use you
00:09:52
probably notice that i use a lot of
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steepling i tend to interlace my fingers
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and so forth
00:10:00
these are gestures that contribute to
00:10:04
that communication that i'm trying to
00:10:06
get across that i am confident about
00:10:08
what i'm talking about so it's not just
00:10:11
about puffing your chest out or
00:10:13
certainly not about talking louder or
00:10:16
anything it's about controlling my
00:10:18
environment but making sure that what
00:10:20
i'm transmitting at all times is
00:10:23
confidence and that means i'm prepared
00:10:25
i'm ready to answer i'm going to answer
00:10:27
you now i'm going to answer you
00:10:29
effectively and i'm gonna make sure that
00:10:31
you understand what i said i'm here to
00:10:34
convey i'm not here to convince
00:10:37
a lot of times people who are lacking
00:10:40
confidence are trying to convince you of
00:10:42
something hey if i'm confident i just
00:10:45
say it once it's this way and that's it
00:10:48
i convey the information rather than sit
00:10:51
there and try to beat it into you by
00:10:54
repeating it ten different ways compare
00:10:56
the gestures i'm about to
00:10:58
do it's about temporal movement
00:11:01
controlling time so the person in charge
00:11:04
has the time to look up at their own
00:11:07
pace the gestures are smooth there's no
00:11:10
hesitation there's no quick movements
00:11:13
there's no jitteriness there doesn't
00:11:15
have to be
00:11:16
i'm in charge
00:11:18
when i feel less confident i feel like i
00:11:21
have to be in a hurry that i've got to
00:11:23
look up and i've got to answer right
00:11:25
away and there's a lot of preening
00:11:27
behaviors and these are detracting from
00:11:30
me
00:11:32
[Music]
00:11:34
i was really shy a few years ago
00:11:38
probably this is changing a little bit
00:11:40
people are horrified to speak in public
00:11:42
i used to be horrified to speak in
00:11:44
public i still get nervous to speak in
00:11:47
public but here's some tricks i found
00:11:50
that you might find useful
00:11:53
the first one is don't hesitate ever to
00:11:57
to say you know what this is scary be
00:11:59
honest with yourself this is unnatural
00:12:02
number two take refuge and knowing that
00:12:06
if i sit down and study this material i
00:12:09
will know it better than my audience the
00:12:11
third thing i always do is i rehearse
00:12:15
really helps so that the first time you
00:12:17
hear it in a forum it doesn't scare you
00:12:20
when it's time to do the presentation
00:12:23
one of the things i like to do is to
00:12:25
warm up i find a good solid wall and i
00:12:28
will just lean into it like i'm holding
00:12:31
this
00:12:32
wall up pressing against it just as if i
00:12:36
were doing a push-up and one of the
00:12:37
things that that does is it releases a
00:12:40
lot of muscular tension and because i'm
00:12:43
doing it very wide it makes me feel more
00:12:47
powerful and i need to walk on that
00:12:49
stage as though it's mine
00:12:52
with full confidence it is only then
00:12:56
that i look at my audience and then i
00:12:58
just take a second to get myself
00:13:01
together and to begin with practice
00:13:05
obviously you're going to get better and
00:13:07
better and better
00:13:09
[Music]
00:13:12
let's face it people are not born
00:13:15
confident they're just not
00:13:18
we can become confident
00:13:20
with the assistance of our parents who
00:13:22
encourage us we can become confident
00:13:25
through our own achievements
00:13:27
we can become confident by
00:13:30
going beyond our boundaries but
00:13:33
confidence is something that we can grow
00:13:36
we can nurture i mean i have seen people
00:13:39
in wheelchairs that are supremely
00:13:41
confident i have seen elderly people in
00:13:44
their 90s who are very confident i've
00:13:48
seen children who are holding a violin
00:13:51
with such confidence if you want to be
00:13:54
confident
00:13:55
know your material
00:13:57
know the information hone that skill
00:13:59
work at it have that mastery of things
00:14:04
and of self and that's how you will come
00:14:07
across as confident no matter what your
00:14:09
station in in life is
00:14:13
[Music]
