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hey guys it's me and today I want to
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answer a question that a lot of people
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have been asking me my whole life and
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more importantly they've been asking me
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a lot recently especially online and
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that question comes in many forms but it
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all is distilled down to the same thing
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which is in one form or another why are
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you like this whether it's the dead rat
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alarm clock the uh barbecue uh puke
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shower curtain uh dead an animal in the
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house or any other one of the stories
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that are just an indicator of me living
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like a complete [ __ ] animal um people
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always wonder why would a person live
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like this why would a person be like
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this why am I why am I like this and I
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think that honestly uh you know there's
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a lot of answers for this I I really
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really really don't want to make this
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like a super long video so hopefully I
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can distill it down to some main points
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and not really go off on too many
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tangents although I think that I
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probably will because there's a lot of
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like history with it and everything like
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that and so basically the first thing
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you need to know about me is that uh I
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actually if you can believe this I know
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this might sound shocking is that I
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actually have not always been like this
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uh this is a relatively new thing for me
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and uh I think that it really kind of
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started a lot when uh I would say in
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high school and then uh later on it kind
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of entered Phase 2 and that was probably
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somewhere around 21 or 23 somewhere
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around there in those age groups and
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that's whenever you know the degeneracy
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really kind of went uh you know it
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ratcheted up to the next level I leveled
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up new expansion release DLC Etc right
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and so this happened then because as a
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kid um I was actually very much like a
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very conscientious a very conscientious
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kid in the way that I uh basically
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didn't really want to be uh perceived in
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a negative way I wanted to be seen as a
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good person Etc and uh I've always had a
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big problem with uh being able to like
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relate to other people uh because I
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think that I'm just a little bit off
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right I I wouldn't say that I don't have
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a moral compass but I would say that my
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moral compass doesn't Point North and
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this has been a problem in a lot of
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cases in my life whether it's with
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relationships or friendships or anything
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in between I've had a lot of problems
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because of that and in the process of
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this I've learned a lot of things about
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myself and the main thing is that uh my
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take and my view on moral issues is not
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really what I would say a normal person
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thinks and this has caused me a lot of
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problems and especially like as a young
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kid uh you know being able to like
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interact and fit in with people it's a
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weird dichotomy because the truth is I
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actually always did have a lot of
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friends and uh I never had problems
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making friends but at the same time I
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always felt like I was very different
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from a lot of other people because of
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the way that I felt uh I used to have uh
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for a comparison uh just a point of
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reference I guess guess you could say um
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I used to have my mom read me uh all of
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the different like sins in the Bible and
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everything because I I understood even
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as a little kid I'm like there's
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something wrong with you uh you know
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like you you better learn this so that
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way there aren't any problems in the
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future and so I would have her read all
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these to me that way I would understand
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how to behave right because it just
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never came naturally to me things that
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come naturally to other people uh were
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not natural and are not natural it's not
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like things have changed if anything
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they've probably gotten worse uh as as
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I've gotten older and so uh I've always
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had a big problem uh being able to like
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uh you know understand like where you
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know how you should act how you should
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treat people what you should do how you
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should say things Etc so almost
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everything that I do is a learned
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performance rather than an innate social
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uh I don't know like instinct if that
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makes sense and uh hopefully the
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performance is good I consider myself
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kind of a good actor at least right but
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of course there are going to be cracks
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and outtakes as well and so those are
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usually the for in the form of the
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Twitter Clips with 100,000 likes and so
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anyway uh as a kid I was always treated
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this way and uh you know people people
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thought that I was a little bit off a
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little bit weird uh like one time like
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for example uh there was a a kid that I
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was like playing with baseball with him
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and uh he was annoying me making me mad
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and so uh I hit the ball and I hit it
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with the explicit intention of hitting
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him in the face with the ball and I did
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and so I remember there's blood all over
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the kid's face he like broke his tooth
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and everything and everybody was
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standing around like like what the [ __ ]
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like what I this is like terrible and I
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remember walking up I was this was like
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the best day of my [ __ ] life this
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happened and I was so happy and I could
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see that other people were made very
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uncomfortable around this and that's
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whenever I started trying to like really
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kind of mask my emotions and how I felt
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about things because it was very evident
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to me that I was not really normal and
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uh this has been a again a huge problem
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my whole life but that was pretty much
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the first at least the time that I can
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remember in my mind uh the first time
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that I can remember that and see that
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wow this is this didn't go over the way
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that I thought it would go over because
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I was so happy and nobody else is happy
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and they think I'm like a bad person but
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it's like you know from my perspective
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that's not how I saw it and uh you know
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from my perspective rip boo so um this
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is a big problem and uh this happens in
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Middle school as well I cared a lot
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about like how I looked how I dressed
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Etc in Middle School uh I mean really
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who doesn't and uh you know I really
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Tred to to you know like take myself
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seriously and you know I tried to have a
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good impression Etc do the right things
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say the right things wear the right
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things uh be the right kind of person
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and uh going into high school I kind of
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got uh there's a weird thing where like
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I I ended up going to like one High
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School uh that I didn't want to go to
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and then I ended up going to another
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high school after that after I told my
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parents that if they didn't change me
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over I would kill myself and fail every
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single class which to be halfway I was
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halfway uh halfway followed through with
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that because my first semester in that
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high school I had a GPA of a 08 it was
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actually impressive it was hard to do I
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had to I had to go out of my way for
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this and so uh then I ended up getting
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transferred over and I went to the the
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school where my friends were and I think
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that like the high school that I had
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originally gone to was a much more
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superficial much more like you know like
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a higher class high school cuz my dad
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wanted me to go there because you know
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like he wanted me to go to school to get
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an education imagine that I wanted to go
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to school to hang out with my friends so
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there was a bit of a disconnect there
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and so um I go over to the other school
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and I realize that uh I need to stop
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caring about what people think about me
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because I saw the people that were in
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that other school and I realized that's
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not the kind of person that I wanted to
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be because they were the more extreme
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version of the person that I was trying
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to be and at that point I realized that
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I didn't really want to be like other
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people and I had to develop I guess my
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own identity and this was at like I
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would say 14 or 15 and that happened and
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that continued all the way through high
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school and you know I I was always like
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uh you know I never really had a
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girlfriend right in high school or
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anything like that maybe you know I
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talked to a girl but not not really okay
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and so I was never really treated very
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well by uh you know a lot of girls or
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anything like that and uh big surprise
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imagine that and so uh anyway uh this
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happened and you know I I kind of got
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used to this and it was normal so I
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would try to improve myself and you know
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like make myself look better and try to
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do this and it would just be met with
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the same outcome which was a a massive
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failure big surprise um you know uh
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being a level 60 Warrior isn't as
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attractive to women as it is to other
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16-year-old guys and so anyway uh I I
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had this happen and uh you know I
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eventually kind of got to the point
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where I was more comfortable with that
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and I stopped really caring as much
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about what you know like people would
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think about me and you know in general
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just people's perception of me and uh
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this kind of got worse as time goes on
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and uh I think that I spent like my
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teenage years primarily trying to
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disconnect myself and trying to remove
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myself from the obligation to be a
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certain kind of person to the public and
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uh just to society in general uh I I
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viewed society as uh you know I I I
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never I never chose to be here this was
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not up for discussion I just spawned in
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here and so it's like I have to follow
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these rules I have to do all these
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things I have to be this kind of a
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person and then you know I was like 8 17
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18 19 I asked myself well why am I doing
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this and so I I stopped doing all that
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stuff and uh I've done many degenerate
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things none of which I regret none not
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nothing at all in my life that I've ever
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regretted at all uh but um you know I I
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would do things that a lot of people
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would consider to be very uh unproper uh
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let's just say that and so um I never
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really viewed myself I I never really
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viewed it as like a good or a bad thing
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I just you know simply existed and I did
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what I would do and that was it and at
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that point I pretty much had completely
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disconnected myself from the perception
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of other people and this was at the same
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time like growing up uh my mom was I I
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think there was maybe two years or so
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where she made above the poverty level
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in terms of income and so we basically
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barely skated by most of the time and
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primarily the reason for that honestly
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is cu my dad uh my dad always paid child
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support Etc at least until I was 18 and
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um you know all that time you know she
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was able to skate by with that and
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pretty much survive uh after uh high
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school was over uh then obviously like
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that stopped and then she wasn't able to
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support herself so I was having to
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figure out ways to make money and try to
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like piece together money she would
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borrow money sometimes from my dad and
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it was in general like a very very
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negative situation and so we never
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really had any money uh this was the
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time where uh you know I was pretty much
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uh ironically at the peak of my Degen
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degeneracy I was probably one of the
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highest rated uh Warriors and wow uh at
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the time it was great but uh not
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necessarily in real life and so at this
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point I pretty much completely
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disconnected myself from uh the way that
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people saw me and I stopped caring about
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the way that people saw me because I
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pretty much gave up of on being like a
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normal person I gave up on being
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accepted by the public I gave up on
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living a normal life or you know having
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a family or anything like that I just
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felt like I just was not capable of that
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based off of my experiences that I had
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and I I had many other ones too like I
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stabbed somebody and a few other things
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too I I probably wouldn't even say
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because they would too drastically alter
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people's perception of me uh but either
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way uh you know a lot of these instances
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where I kind of was like okay this is
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this is bad maybe it's better that I'm
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uh you know quarantined in my house and
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so anyway uh I did this a lot and uh my
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mom and I like it was really just kind
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of the two of us uh my dad was there he
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was supportive and he always has been
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supportive but other than that uh I do
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have family uh but none of them live in
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the state of Texas and so uh any trouble
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any problems anything like that it was
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pretty much entirely on me uh to resolve
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this issue and so take care of my mom
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pay for things anything like that it was
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always on me and uh her health started
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deteriorating uh at about the same time
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uh this is big surprise uh you smoked
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since you're 16 you spend your entire
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time smoking cigarettes watching
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watching Ancient Aliens and [ __ ]
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around on the internet playing wow and
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you're overweight massively like she was
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uh this isn't good for your health
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especially when you're getting into your
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60s which she was at that time cuz she
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had me when she was like 39 and a half
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or 40 or something and so at this point
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uh you know her health was deteriorating
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and I remember like she had like a
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number of instances where like I would
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uh I would like wake up and I hear her
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like screaming because she like she
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would like I don't I don't even really
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know what the [ __ ] was wrong with her I
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I don't know it was like a uh like a
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weird thing where like she couldn't see
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out of her eye and then she had like
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some kind of like I think like a bleed
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in her eye and then uh she had like I
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think they it wasn't really a heart
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attack there was like some sort of like
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variation of that and I remember like
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her like begging me not to call the
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ambulance and this is just like and this
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is at the same time that uh you know the
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house is [ __ ] you know we can barely
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pay for the house we're worried about
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getting evicted from the house uh we
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have no uh no AC or no we did have AC we
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didn't have heat and so uh you know I
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would go to sleep and like the house
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would be so cold because I would just
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give her to the heater and I always
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viewed it as like you know oh I'm
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sleeping out in Mount Everest right it's
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like you know I'm cosplaying as Bear
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Grills and I remember like my glass of
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water in my uh in my room there would
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have like ice crystals on the edge of it
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right because of how [ __ ] cold it was
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and so I did that really for like two
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years and so we had like basically like
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zero money and so uh this happened and
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uh pretty like her health would
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deteriorate more and more and more to
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the point to where she couldn't drive
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she couldn't do X she couldn't do y she
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couldn't get a job anymore and then it
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relied on me more and more to completely
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support her in like pretty much all ways
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and so and I remember she would like beg
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like she was like on the ground like
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crying uh begging me not to call an
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ambulance and so this uh was very
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upsetting for me by the way uh like I I
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got to the point to where like at this
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time period I would wake up like every
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two hours or so with like uh like like a
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weird thing where I would hear her
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screaming my name and this went on for
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maybe like 6 months to a year and uh and
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also I want to say that like all of this
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stuff and everything about it uh I don't
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really like everybody in life has
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problems and I hope that by sharing my
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problems people can kind of see where
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I'm coming from as a person I don't
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really care about sympathy I don't care
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about people feeling bad for me I don't
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really give a [ __ ] it doesn't matter to
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me uh so I I hope that nobody thinks
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that this is coming off as any form of a
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uh you know like sympathy play uh you
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know I've had things bad happen in my
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life I think that in many cases they've
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been my fault I've deserved them uh but
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this is just what's happened and so
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anyway uh and and every every action and
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every outcome in my life leading up to
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now has led me to the position that I am
00:14:14
right now and I think that in a lot of
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cases I'm happy with how I am and you
00:14:18
can't just go back and edit out all the
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bad parts and expect to be in the good
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part and so at the same time this was
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happening like a lot of my friends were
00:14:26
obviously going through college
00:14:27
finishing College uh you know having
00:14:29
girlfriends like moving in and
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everything and I was worried about uh
00:14:33
you know number one my mom dying number
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two um uh my uh you know being homeless
00:14:39
and number three uh at that point uh I
00:14:42
had always assumed that I would kill
00:14:43
myself After High School like that was
00:14:45
my plan and uh you know wrath the
00:14:48
lichking came out and I just got
00:14:49
distracted I I forgot and so I uh ended
00:14:53
up not doing that and uh because of that
00:14:56
I never brushed my teeth in high school
00:14:57
never really gave a [ __ ] about it never
00:14:59
cared and this caused guess what that
00:15:01
guess what that causes uh it causes your
00:15:03
teeth to rot out and so a lot of my
00:15:05
teeth had to be uh you know I had to get
00:15:06
fillings and everything as a as a
00:15:08
teenager and uh my Dad paid for a lot of
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it which he was very very unhappy about
00:15:13
and so these ceillings would come out
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this is what happens with fillings or
00:15:16
anything like that and they did come out
00:15:19
and then of course my teeth deteriorated
00:15:21
naturally because I love soda I love
00:15:22
drinking soda I've got a soda right over
00:15:24
there went to McDonald's earlier today
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really really like soda like it so much
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that right now uh I only have five real
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teeth left in my whole mouth and uh I
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think you start with like 32 which is
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kind of crazy to think and so anyway um
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this happened and uh all my teeth were
00:15:40
starting to rot out I was not able to
00:15:42
eat with one side of my mouth I would
00:15:44
have these two thakes that would get so
00:15:46
bad that I would pass out from the pain
00:15:48
and I eventually had to go to like the
00:15:50
uh like basically uh if if you're like
00:15:54
the people that really get [ __ ] by
00:15:55
medical bills are the people that are in
00:15:57
the middle of like uh you know econom Al
00:15:59
because if you're broke like they'll do
00:16:01
[ __ ] for you for like $10 if they can
00:16:03
get anything they'll do it and so I had
00:16:05
a program like that and so they would
00:16:06
have to pull out my teeth kind of
00:16:08
regularly and uh that's how I lost I
00:16:10
have no back teeth at all that's why uh
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if you look at my jawline uh it's very
00:16:14
different than if you look at it uh from
00:16:17
like you know high school or like by the
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age of like 19 or 20 uh it's completely
00:16:22
changed because I've lost all of my
00:16:23
teeth and my jaw uh bone is like pretty
00:16:26
much rotted out and so which I as far as
00:16:29
I know is is unfixable at least in in
00:16:31
the way that I have this problem uh
00:16:34
there there's a separate problem that is
00:16:36
fixable I don't have that one I talked
00:16:37
to a dentist about it so it's it's
00:16:39
basically like irreversibly [ __ ] and
00:16:42
so anyway uh this happened and um it was
00:16:45
not a great time uh my teeth were
00:16:47
rotting out Etc and at that point I had
00:16:50
to completely like pretty much give up
00:16:53
the notion and give up the uh dream of
00:16:56
ever being a normal person at that point
00:16:58
I I could feel myself uh no longer being
00:17:01
uh the same as anybody else right and uh
00:17:04
I I I actually for a while I I really
00:17:07
hated it but then I got used to it and
00:17:09
then uh I that then I I embraced it and
00:17:13
I think that's that's where I am now so
00:17:15
I would say like that was from like ages
00:17:17
like I would say you know 13 uh to I
00:17:21
don't know like 21 somewhere around
00:17:23
there right uh then after that uh I
00:17:26
started uh I started doing other stuff I
00:17:28
was playing wow I was making videos I
00:17:30
was doing other random things right and
00:17:33
uh my mom's like Health pretty much
00:17:35
would always get worse and that's just
00:17:36
you know that's just the way it is when
00:17:37
you get older right and so I would have
00:17:40
to do my best to like take care of her
00:17:42
and uh worked at the IRS for a while uh
00:17:44
tried to work at Sam's Club didn't
00:17:46
really go very well uh but overall I uh
00:17:49
you know tried to go back to college I
00:17:51
do have a college degree if you can
00:17:52
imagine that but uh learned more from
00:17:55
business from W than I did from business
00:17:57
school and so so uh then I I spent that
00:18:01
time and then this was all the time like
00:18:03
you know me not knowing if she would you
00:18:05
know every day I would wake up and like
00:18:06
you know hear that voice in my mind and
00:18:09
like you know it was really really bad
00:18:11
and uh this is just something I would do
00:18:13
all the time and I try to always make
00:18:16
the best out of things I try to just you
00:18:18
know not think about it but uh you know
00:18:20
looking back on it things were very very
00:18:22
bad and so anyway uh you know fast
00:18:24
forward a little bit later and that's
00:18:26
whenever I was like going back to uh
00:18:28
going back to college
00:18:29
I um I thought that I would just you
00:18:32
know basically have a shitty job play
00:18:34
video games for my whole life and then
00:18:36
die right and then I got a shitty job
00:18:39
and I realized a shitty job is actually
00:18:40
a lot more shitty than I thought it
00:18:42
would be so then I remember it was
00:18:44
probably like one of the best things
00:18:45
that ever happened to me is that uh I I
00:18:48
took this job at Sam's Club and I hated
00:18:51
it so much it actually encouraged me to
00:18:53
make myself a better person if you can
00:18:54
imagine that and so uh I I signed up to
00:18:58
go back to University and finish another
00:19:00
degree that I was working on so I could
00:19:02
go to law school actually I wanted to be
00:19:03
a lawyer um basically because I I had a
00:19:07
friend in high school we would always
00:19:09
play Magic the Gathering and I could see
00:19:11
him he would always manipulate the rules
00:19:13
to come out ahead and win different like
00:19:15
arguments and mag the Gathering and I
00:19:17
was like hm I bet lawyers do that in
00:19:19
real life I should do that myself and so
00:19:21
that was always my motivation and uh
00:19:24
anyway I I did that and uh then you know
00:19:27
a number of other things you know random
00:19:29
things that are not you know I would say
00:19:31
like YouTube or public uh safe uh that I
00:19:34
did and um then after that I uh started
00:19:38
doing YouTube and then I started doing
00:19:39
YouTube and I I focused on that and I
00:19:42
would put videos out of the way that I
00:19:44
lived Etc and uh people would always
00:19:47
find it to be very funny or like weird
00:19:49
and everybody would like really like
00:19:51
there were a lot of people and and this
00:19:52
is true even now uh people that like
00:19:54
hate me for living the way that I do and
00:19:56
I think that really um you know people
00:19:58
look at a person like me and they see a
00:20:01
person who has a number of things in
00:20:03
their life that they wish they had but
00:20:06
I've done basically you know if you look
00:20:08
at it from like what do they tell you to
00:20:10
do when you're growing up uh you know I
00:20:12
used every single thing to do as a
00:20:14
checklist of what not to do right and so
00:20:17
uh you know I think that a lot of people
00:20:18
could be a little bit um you know
00:20:20
annoyed by that and so I I can see why
00:20:23
and Etc and and it is disgusting by the
00:20:25
way and so uh you know missing half your
00:20:28
teeth and uh you know living uh in a
00:20:31
dump uh with a dead rat alarm clock you
00:20:33
don't know if your mom's going to be
00:20:35
alive that day uh you've got no money
00:20:37
you have to support her she's never
00:20:39
going to be able to support herself uh
00:20:41
and things are just basically slowly
00:20:43
getting worse and worse and worse and uh
00:20:45
I started doing YouTube and things
00:20:47
started doing a little bit better I
00:20:49
started doing streaming things were
00:20:51
doing better then uh I went to uh get my
00:20:53
teeth fixed because if you look at my
00:20:56
old videos a lot of my old videos you'd
00:20:58
notice that I smile you know when I
00:21:00
smile I cover my mouth when I smile uh
00:21:02
the reason for that is isn't sauno where
00:21:04
I I don't like my smile yeah well I
00:21:07
don't like my smile it's not because I
00:21:08
think it's ugly it's because I didn't
00:21:10
have any any [ __ ] teeth and I didn't
00:21:11
want people to see that and so uh that's
00:21:14
why I would cover my mouth a lot
00:21:15
whenever I first started streaming and
00:21:17
so uh this happened to me uh for a long
00:21:20
time they finally I go to I go to go to
00:21:23
the dentist and they tell me it's going
00:21:25
to be like around uh $50,000 to get all
00:21:27
my teeth fixed and everything
00:21:29
taken care of um then I thought maybe
00:21:32
because it was the first time at that
00:21:33
point where I I kind of like it really
00:21:35
hit me that I had like irreversibly and
00:21:38
irreparably damaged my life in a way
00:21:40
that I couldn't just immediately like
00:21:42
undo CU like as a kid you know usually
00:21:44
you make a mistake where it's like you
00:21:46
scrape your knee and then well you put a
00:21:48
bandage on it gets better but with this
00:21:50
it never was going to get better and
00:21:51
it's only going to get worse and it
00:21:53
certainly has by the way and so anyway
00:21:56
uh I I did want to kill myself but I
00:21:58
decided instead of killing myself I'd do
00:22:00
something even worse I'd start streaming
00:22:03
and uh I started streaming because I
00:22:05
wasn't really making enough money and
00:22:07
everybody says oh well I started
00:22:08
streaming because you know I like
00:22:11
interacting with people it's because I
00:22:12
was lonely well I I started streaming
00:22:15
for money I needed some [ __ ] money
00:22:18
and so that's what I did and I was like
00:22:20
guys we've got a donation goal of $100
00:22:24
and you know if we get $100 I'm going to
00:22:26
go to Wendy's tomorrow and I would
00:22:28
always meme it up you know $1 equals one
00:22:30
donut and it's like you know I would
00:22:32
make a bunch of money and it was great
00:22:33
and and things actually did go very well
00:22:35
I I streamed every single night I was
00:22:37
very dedicated I tried to make things as
00:22:39
entertaining as possible and uh you know
00:22:41
I did what I tried to do best right and
00:22:43
um things kind of got better and they
00:22:45
improved uh this happened uh just at
00:22:48
pretty much the same time a lot of my
00:22:50
friends were kind of evolving and going
00:22:51
past you know uh you know like college
00:22:55
like they were getting careers getting
00:22:57
married having kids and like now I'm I'm
00:22:58
pretty sure I'm thinking to myself I'm
00:23:01
pretty sure every single friend that I
00:23:03
have is either married or has a kid uh
00:23:06
which is kind of crazy considering that
00:23:08
uh you know I'm I'm sitting here doing
00:23:10
doing what I'm doing but it is kind of
00:23:12
weird I'm I'm 34 now which is um
00:23:15
honestly a [ __ ] shock like I I can't
00:23:18
believe it I don't feel 34 I feel like
00:23:20
I'm still 16 but uh I look in the mirror
00:23:23
I see my hairline and I think to myself
00:23:25
oh my God wait a minute I think I'm
00:23:26
actually 34 and if I'm really not sure I
00:23:29
talk to somebody who's 16 and then I
00:23:31
realize hold up wait a minute no
00:23:33
actually I am 34 because that there's no
00:23:35
better way to realize that you're
00:23:37
actually older until you talk to
00:23:38
somebody who's actually younger at least
00:23:40
it is for me so anyway um you know my
00:23:43
stream was doing very well uh my social
00:23:45
life early I I I pretty much like
00:23:47
stopped interacting with a lot of
00:23:48
friends of mine because I focused pretty
00:23:50
much just on streaming and on making
00:23:52
this as much as possible and also I'm a
00:23:54
very introverted person in a lot of ways
00:23:56
I like being alone I don't like people
00:23:58
talk talking to me a whole lot I don't
00:24:00
like phone calls I don't like
00:24:01
interacting with people I don't like
00:24:02
going out uh if you guys might notice
00:24:04
this right if it's you know a mystery or
00:24:07
secret and so um you know big surprise
00:24:10
that's how it was and uh then you know I
00:24:13
started streaming My Stream started
00:24:14
doing better and uh there was a degree
00:24:17
of like stress that that created but and
00:24:20
and in terms of like my lifestyle and
00:24:21
everything uh living that way I never
00:24:24
really thought about it at that point I
00:24:26
never really worried too much about like
00:24:28
kind of how uh you know people would
00:24:30
perceive me I always viewed myself as
00:24:33
like you know this is just who I am this
00:24:34
is what I am that's all there is to it
00:24:36
and I never really took and I still
00:24:38
don't really take any criticism or any
00:24:40
negativity to heart I don't take it
00:24:42
personally I don't really care a whole
00:24:43
lot and so at the end of the day it
00:24:46
never really bothered me and people
00:24:47
thought it was funny and so you know I
00:24:49
had like these snack box and there were
00:24:52
like uh maggots in the snackbox and I
00:24:54
would eat this food with the the maggots
00:24:57
inside of the food it was like honey
00:24:59
buns which were really really good and
00:25:01
to be honest I didn't even really taste
00:25:03
them so it was pretty much the same
00:25:04
thing didn't even bother me and so uh
00:25:07
you know I I had like taken at that
00:25:09
point you know my teeth had like totally
00:25:10
rotten out and so I had taken pliers to
00:25:13
like break pieces of my teeth off even
00:25:15
uh you know like if I wasn't able to
00:25:17
speak during a stream cuz like a point
00:25:19
was like you know poking my tongue or
00:25:21
like uh you know playing a game or
00:25:23
something like that talking to people
00:25:25
and so I still have the players actually
00:25:27
in my in my bathroom from all the way
00:25:29
back then and uh so this had happened
00:25:32
for for quite a while and uh then I
00:25:35
guess you could say uh I I started like
00:25:38
I guess like the second phase of my life
00:25:40
of like trying to remove myself from
00:25:42
like caring about uh like uh being
00:25:45
worried about the outcome of other
00:25:46
people uh it was always very scary for
00:25:49
me to know that like you know my mom
00:25:51
would die uh one day right this was
00:25:53
extremely scary this was like the one
00:25:55
thing that I didn't want to have happen
00:25:57
and in 201 and 21 it did happen and so
00:26:00
leading up to that was incredibly
00:26:03
stressful um she pretty much did
00:26:05
everything that she possibly could I
00:26:07
love her but she did every [ __ ] thing
00:26:10
that she could to make things as
00:26:12
absolutely unpleasant as possible oh my
00:26:16
God and so yes yes yes uh it was very
00:26:20
frustrating to deal with somebody like
00:26:21
that but you know she was 70 at the time
00:26:25
and so it really really really hurt and
00:26:27
uh it it's you know like she was the
00:26:30
main person in my life that I was like
00:26:32
most connected to and like you know this
00:26:35
is the person that I had like the
00:26:36
deepest emotional connection with and to
00:26:38
just lose them and it was kind of random
00:26:40
by the way like things got worse over
00:26:42
time but it was nothing like at the the
00:26:45
very end there it just kind of went off
00:26:46
a [ __ ] cliff and so this happened and
00:26:49
then at about the same time a little bit
00:26:51
after that I uh also broke up with a
00:26:55
long-term girlfriend at the time and
00:26:57
then at the same time my dad got so
00:27:00
[ __ ] sick that we were like talking
00:27:02
about writing his will like and and he's
00:27:05
still setting all that up because he
00:27:06
doesn't know if this shit's going to
00:27:07
happen again right what's going to be
00:27:09
and he's 77 too so it's it's rough right
00:27:12
it's bad and uh he went through the
00:27:14
monia four [ __ ] times in a year and
00:27:16
so and he's still still getting around
00:27:18
you know going to the store Etc but I
00:27:20
got to help him every once in a while
00:27:22
too right and uh it is what it is and so
00:27:25
again and and you know we don't have any
00:27:27
family around here and so you know if
00:27:29
something goes wrong if something's bad
00:27:31
uh there's one person who's responsible
00:27:32
for that and that's me and so that's a
00:27:35
lot of stress it's a lot of lot of uh
00:27:37
pressure right and uh you know I had all
00:27:39
three of these things happen to me
00:27:41
within pretty much one year of each
00:27:42
other maybe two years with the thing
00:27:44
with my dad and so at that point I began
00:27:47
the second part of I think that like you
00:27:49
know my uh you know abstraction of
00:27:52
reality is that I've tried my best to
00:27:55
remove myself from caring about other
00:27:57
people as much as I can and not caring
00:27:59
about them in terms of like you know
00:28:00
being friendly of course I'm friendly
00:28:02
with people but being emotionally
00:28:04
attached to having them in my life being
00:28:07
emotionally attached to the way that
00:28:09
they feel about me and how they're doing
00:28:11
uh it's been very hard for me to
00:28:13
actually have any to sort of feelings
00:28:15
towards people when it seems like
00:28:17
everybody that was important to me is
00:28:19
[ __ ] dying and so uh this or or
00:28:22
leaving me right or or breaking up with
00:28:24
me so at a certain point you just kind
00:28:26
of get away from that and uh then after
00:28:29
that uh I you know we entered into I
00:28:31
would say the third phase which is the
00:28:33
point where I I you know lose the
00:28:36
connection with myself and I I think
00:28:38
that whenever I finally do that I think
00:28:41
that maybe one day I might be happy
00:28:43
again and what I mean by that is that I
00:28:45
always worry about like dying and you
00:28:47
know all this stuff and like how how I'm
00:28:49
you know like where where do you go what
00:28:50
happens right and it would be very very
00:28:53
stressful for me and I usually reassure
00:28:55
Myself by reminding myself that I'm just
00:28:56
a hyper intelligent monkey
00:28:58
that probably evolved too fast and I
00:29:00
think that we all are by the way it's
00:29:02
not like I'm special and uh that usually
00:29:05
is oddly reassuring but otherwise um it
00:29:09
was very stressful for me and I did
00:29:11
think that I was farther along I thought
00:29:13
I would be okay with dying until I
00:29:15
thought that I was dying and then I
00:29:16
realized that I wasn't as far along as I
00:29:18
thought I was uh recently whenever I had
00:29:20
a blood pressure reading of 194 which uh
00:29:23
is a high score so far um you know at
00:29:25
least so far and so uh things Happ been
00:29:28
improving since then by the way but
00:29:30
anyway um this has been uh you know my
00:29:33
life and uh I I I I stopped really
00:29:37
caring about anything I stopped caring
00:29:40
about what happens to me I stopped
00:29:42
caring about what happens to other
00:29:44
people I stopped caring about what
00:29:45
people think about me and I felt that
00:29:48
the more that I have the Le the the more
00:29:51
that I've cared about things the more
00:29:54
unhappy I've been as a person and uh I
00:29:57
think that this is true on like a base
00:29:59
level uh is this some sort of
00:30:01
pathological problem for me I think it
00:30:04
probably is but at the end of the day uh
00:30:06
this is the best way that I know to cope
00:30:08
with it right and so for me the way that
00:30:11
I live and everything is a manifestation
00:30:14
of that uh it's always been this way for
00:30:17
me uh my mom like growing up things were
00:30:19
pretty messy Etc but then even now
00:30:22
things are worse than they ever have
00:30:24
been in terms of like being messy but uh
00:30:27
you know never really think about it or
00:30:29
worry about it because I'm just never
00:30:31
really it it doesn't even cross my mind
00:30:33
I'm thinking about things that I want to
00:30:34
think about I'm doing things that I want
00:30:36
to do and I never think about what other
00:30:39
people think about me I don't think
00:30:41
about how it affects other people I
00:30:42
don't think about how they feel or
00:30:44
anything like that and uh it might sound
00:30:46
like a bad thing but it's made me a
00:30:49
happier and more fulfilled person uh not
00:30:51
worrying about anybody else really other
00:30:54
than myself unless I have to and um it's
00:30:57
been very like uh weird uh for me uh
00:31:01
getting older especially and uh you know
00:31:04
like having like priorities change in
00:31:05
your life and you know having different
00:31:07
things happen to you and so I wanted to
00:31:09
make this video and kind of like explain
00:31:11
like kind of how I got to be this way
00:31:15
and hopefully uh a little bit of this
00:31:17
can like explain why do I behave this
00:31:19
way why am I like this why do I have no
00:31:21
shame with things right uh it's because
00:31:23
I I've lived a life where I've tried
00:31:26
desperately to hold on to to any degree
00:31:28
of dignity that I've had and anything
00:31:30
that I've had and it's just slowly been
00:31:32
taken away from me uh whether it's
00:31:35
myself pieces of myself uh other people
00:31:38
uh or uh the way that the world sees me
00:31:41
uh I think that the more that I've kind
00:31:43
of just you know let things flow freely
00:31:46
and not care about it the more happy and
00:31:49
content that I've been and so uh it's an
00:31:52
ongoing process and uh began whenever I
00:31:55
said you know I guess I said I was like
00:31:57
13
00:31:58
and uh you know I guess the last thing
00:32:01
for me to do is really to let go of
00:32:03
myself and you know just finally be
00:32:05
content with my own existence for the
00:32:07
time that I exist and uh I'm not really
00:32:10
a religious person I'm not a spiritual
00:32:11
person either I don't believe there's
00:32:13
any light at the end of the tunnel I
00:32:15
definitely don't think so and uh I just
00:32:18
try to make the best of uh being in the
00:32:20
tunnel and so that's why I live the way
00:32:23
that I do that's why I do the things
00:32:25
that I do that's why I say the things
00:32:26
that I do that's why a lot of criticism
00:32:29
and things like this of course I don't
00:32:30
like it of course I don't like it but um
00:32:33
it doesn't really emotionally affect me
00:32:35
on the same way that I think it does for
00:32:36
other people and it used to affect me a
00:32:39
lot more but I've you know you know
00:32:41
gotten a little bit better at least at
00:32:42
dealing with it and so hopefully this
00:32:44
can answer some questions and kind of uh
00:32:47
give people a little bit more insight
00:32:48
into my life and the kind of person I am
00:32:51
and
00:32:52
uh that's pretty much about it I I I'm
00:32:55
trying to think if there's anything else
00:32:56
I have to cover 30 minute video video
00:32:58
actually I was expecting it to be longer
00:33:00
so you know that's my life story that's
00:33:02
what's happened to me in general and uh
00:33:05
that's why I am the way I am and uh will
00:33:08
I ever change uh maybe maybe not right I
00:33:11
mean I I honestly like you know making a
00:33:14
lot of money on Twitch and you know like
00:33:17
the notoriety and everything like people
00:33:19
recognize
00:33:22
you I mean I just it it that I I mean I
00:33:26
guess it's nice right and I mean
00:33:28
sometimes it it's I mean having money is
00:33:31
way better than not having money but in
00:33:33
terms of like you know having a lot of
00:33:35
wealth uh I live in my same house I use
00:33:38
my same desk I you know for a very long
00:33:42
time drove my same car uh I eat in the
00:33:45
same places I do the same things I
00:33:47
really haven't changed at all honestly
00:33:50
uh ever since I was like younger ever
00:33:52
since my stream got popular and uh maybe
00:33:54
one day I will maybe one day I won't at
00:33:57
the end of the day
00:33:58
um I think that one thing that I've
00:34:00
always really kind of focused on and
00:34:02
thought about a lot is that I have
00:34:04
complete and absolute agency over my own
00:34:07
life uh I can do anything that I want to
00:34:09
do and I canot do anything that I don't
00:34:11
want to do and I think that's been a
00:34:13
very uh comforting fact and so people
00:34:16
ask me like are you ever going to do
00:34:17
this it's not something I'm really
00:34:18
thinking about changing right now but in
00:34:20
the future I might change my mind uh I
00:34:23
just don't know yet and so I just try to
00:34:26
live life and enjoy it and uh you know
00:34:29
uh be able to uh experience things for
00:34:32
the way that they're meant to be
00:34:33
experienced and um really I don't care a
00:34:36
whole lot about that even either um I
00:34:38
don't care about you know going out or
00:34:40
having certain life experiences or oh
00:34:42
you'll regret this well who cares if you
00:34:44
regret this when you're old you're about
00:34:45
to die anyway it's doesn't even matter
00:34:48
and so uh I've never really felt that
00:34:50
way it's just not it's not in me and so
00:34:53
uh that's really my whole life and um
00:34:56
that's why I live the way that I live
00:34:58
it's why I do things the way that I do
00:34:59
things and um you know maybe one day
00:35:02
it'll change maybe one day it won't who
00:35:04
the [ __ ] knows tune in next time to find
00:35:07
out so anyway guys uh hopefully this is
00:35:10
a little bit more uh informative Etc and
00:35:14
uh [ __ ] I got an early uh end for the
00:35:16
day we had to record something early so
00:35:18
I came home I figured I'd record this
00:35:21
and uh it's only 6 p.m. and so I I don't
00:35:23
know what the hell to do with myself now
00:35:25
I'm not streaming I'm going to go walk
00:35:26
around my house like an NPC see and so
00:35:28
like I don't know what to do probably
00:35:29
going to go play video games so anyway
00:35:32
guys uh thank you all very much for
00:35:33
watching thanks for listening if you've
00:35:34
gotten this far and uh yeah um things
00:35:37
have been going great for me recently
00:35:39
and uh I want to say thank you to
00:35:41
everybody who's been so supportive and
00:35:42
everything and uh you know uh my best
00:35:45
way that I can say thank you is uh by
00:35:47
doing more of it so I'll see you guys
00:35:48
tomorrow and uh that's about it peace
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