I Have Postpartum Depression

00:27:57
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8y8IeEB5yw4

Sintesi

TLDRIn this candid video, the speaker opens up about her struggles with postpartum depression (PPD) and the complexities of motherhood. She shares her journey, highlighting feelings of guilt and the societal pressures that come with being a mother. The speaker emphasizes that PPD can manifest differently for everyone, often leading to feelings of overwhelm and anxiety rather than the inability to bond with one's child. She challenges the common statistics surrounding PPD, suggesting that the actual number of affected individuals may be higher than reported. The video serves as a call for more open discussions about mental health, the importance of support for mothers, and the need to break down misconceptions about postpartum experiences. Ultimately, the speaker seeks to create a space for shared experiences and understanding among mothers facing similar challenges.

Punti di forza

  • 💔 Postpartum depression is often misunderstood and can manifest in various ways.
  • 👶 Many mothers feel guilt for not being 'perfect' despite loving their children.
  • 🗣️ Open conversations about mental health are crucial for support.
  • 📊 The statistic of 1 in 7 women experiencing PPD may be an underestimate.
  • 🤱 Bonding with a baby is not always affected by postpartum depression.
  • 💡 It's important to challenge misconceptions about postpartum experiences.
  • 💪 Seeking help and support is vital for those struggling with PPD.
  • 🌍 Social media can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy in mothers.
  • 🧠 Mental health struggles can coexist with the joy of motherhood.
  • 🤝 Creating a community for sharing experiences can help mothers feel less alone.

Linea temporale

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The speaker opens up about their personal struggles with postpartum depression (PPD) and the guilt associated with it, especially in the context of being a mother. They express concern about how their children might perceive their feelings in the future and acknowledge the societal pressure to appear grateful for motherhood despite their struggles.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    They share their experience of PPD, which began months after childbirth, contrary to the common belief that it occurs immediately after delivery. The speaker discusses the misconceptions surrounding PPD and emphasizes that it can manifest differently for everyone, including feelings of anxiety and overwhelm without affecting the bond with their children.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    The speaker reflects on the challenges of balancing motherhood with work, feeling overwhelmed by societal expectations, and the financial pressures of being a self-employed parent. They express frustration with the lack of support and the constant judgment they face, particularly as a mother, compared to fathers who often receive praise for similar actions.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    They discuss the emotional toll of feeling guilty for not being present with their children while also needing to work. The speaker highlights the paradox of wanting to be a good mother while also maintaining their identity outside of motherhood, which contributes to their feelings of burnout and confusion.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:27:57

    In closing, the speaker emphasizes the importance of discussing PPD openly and honestly, acknowledging that struggles can coexist with love for their children. They invite others to share their experiences and express a desire to create a supportive community for those facing similar challenges.

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Video Domande e Risposte

  • What is postpartum depression?

    Postpartum depression is a type of depression that affects some individuals after childbirth, often manifesting as feelings of sadness, anxiety, and extreme fatigue.

  • How common is postpartum depression?

    It is often cited that postpartum depression affects one in seven women, but many believe the actual number is higher.

  • What are the symptoms of postpartum depression?

    Symptoms can include feelings of sadness, anxiety, overwhelming emotions, and difficulty coping with daily life.

  • Can postpartum depression affect bonding with the baby?

    Not everyone with postpartum depression struggles to bond with their baby; experiences vary widely.

  • What should I do if I think I have postpartum depression?

    It's important to seek help from a healthcare professional for proper diagnosis and support.

  • How can I support someone with postpartum depression?

    Listen without judgment, offer practical help, and encourage them to seek professional support.

  • Is postpartum depression the same as baby blues?

    No, baby blues are common mood swings experienced shortly after childbirth, while postpartum depression is more intense and lasts longer.

  • What are some misconceptions about postpartum depression?

    Many misconceptions exist, including the belief that it only affects mothers who struggle to bond with their babies or that it occurs immediately after childbirth.

  • How can I cope with postpartum depression?

    Coping strategies may include therapy, support groups, self-care, and open conversations about feelings.

  • What role does social media play in postpartum depression?

    Social media can contribute to feelings of inadequacy and guilt, as it often portrays an unrealistic view of motherhood.

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Scorrimento automatico:
  • 00:00:00
    Hey everyone. Uh, today I wanted to open
  • 00:00:02
    up about something kind of personal. Um,
  • 00:00:05
    I haven't talked about it really that
  • 00:00:08
    much because I felt sort of like a jerk.
  • 00:00:12
    I don't know, something about like
  • 00:00:13
    worrying about my kids seeing this one
  • 00:00:16
    day and thinking that, you know, I
  • 00:00:18
    wasn't just over the moon in love with
  • 00:00:21
    them or um maybe people seeing it and
  • 00:00:24
    thinking, "How dare you have any
  • 00:00:27
    complaints? are so fortunate to have
  • 00:00:29
    been able to get pregnant and have a
  • 00:00:30
    family when so many people are
  • 00:00:32
    struggling and I feel that too. And
  • 00:00:34
    there's obviously a lot going on in the
  • 00:00:37
    world. People have bigger problems than
  • 00:00:39
    me. So, I've just felt sort of unable to
  • 00:00:42
    talk about what's going on in my own
  • 00:00:44
    life. But I'm going to try to push
  • 00:00:45
    through that right now because I've
  • 00:00:47
    recently seen a few things online of
  • 00:00:50
    women sharing their experiences and
  • 00:00:52
    feeling like they're on an island all
  • 00:00:54
    alone because it's really not something
  • 00:00:56
    that anyone wants to talk about or
  • 00:00:58
    admit. Um you feel like a failure for
  • 00:01:01
    not being perfect. And something about
  • 00:01:03
    postpartum depression feels different
  • 00:01:06
    than talking about depression. Obviously
  • 00:01:08
    um some of you might remember I've
  • 00:01:10
    talked about my own struggles before
  • 00:01:12
    with anxiety. I' I've been diagnosed
  • 00:01:15
    with generalized anxiety disorder. I've
  • 00:01:17
    been diagnosed with high functioning
  • 00:01:20
    depression, but postpartum depression
  • 00:01:22
    and having that specifically connected
  • 00:01:23
    to being a mom, which is the most
  • 00:01:26
    important
  • 00:01:28
    almost identity that I've ever had in my
  • 00:01:31
    life, it makes me feel um really guilty
  • 00:01:35
    and embarrassed. So there there are many
  • 00:01:38
    reasons why I haven't talked about it,
  • 00:01:39
    but I feel like this is such a common
  • 00:01:40
    thing and it's so deeply misunderstood
  • 00:01:43
    that I just want to talk about it on
  • 00:01:45
    here for a little bit, one video, and it
  • 00:01:47
    it might explain some things that you've
  • 00:01:49
    seen, or rather not seen. I haven't been
  • 00:01:51
    very active. I haven't been posting a
  • 00:01:52
    lot. Um, and that's for a lot of things,
  • 00:01:54
    but this is part of it. I have been
  • 00:01:55
    dealing with what I think is postpartum
  • 00:01:57
    depression for what feels like three and
  • 00:01:59
    a half years now. I had my son back in
  • 00:02:03
    August of 2021 and then right at about
  • 00:02:06
    the year and a half mark, I started to
  • 00:02:09
    feel better. And what's weird is when
  • 00:02:11
    you hear about postpartum depression,
  • 00:02:13
    you think it's something that like you
  • 00:02:14
    have a baby and it hits you, right?
  • 00:02:16
    You've heard of the baby blues. This is
  • 00:02:18
    not that. And this is actually not
  • 00:02:19
    something that even showed up for me
  • 00:02:22
    until like 3 or 4 months in. So, I I got
  • 00:02:25
    through the newborn phase. And sure, I
  • 00:02:27
    was tired. It was a lot of work, but I
  • 00:02:29
    got through those first few months
  • 00:02:31
    perfectly fine for the most part. And
  • 00:02:34
    then I started having some issues. Those
  • 00:02:36
    issues lasted me through about the year
  • 00:02:39
    and a half mark, which I don't know
  • 00:02:40
    entirely because when I finally started
  • 00:02:43
    feeling a little bit more like myself, I
  • 00:02:46
    I got pregnant again. And that just I I
  • 00:02:49
    really didn't get to experience the full
  • 00:02:51
    journey. It just sort of reset. And now
  • 00:02:53
    here I am again at the year and a half
  • 00:02:55
    mark and I'm experiencing new things.
  • 00:02:57
    I'm starting to uh see a light at the
  • 00:02:59
    end of the tunnel. I'm feeling a little
  • 00:03:01
    bit better. Definitely not out of the
  • 00:03:03
    woods yet, but seeing things clearly and
  • 00:03:06
    seeing my last several years from this
  • 00:03:08
    perspective well enough to sort of
  • 00:03:10
    understand better what was going on and
  • 00:03:12
    feel like I'm at a place where I can
  • 00:03:14
    confidently talk about my experience
  • 00:03:16
    that I've had now two times over and
  • 00:03:18
    what that's looked like for me in hopes
  • 00:03:21
    that uh people who are going through
  • 00:03:23
    something similar might understand or
  • 00:03:25
    relate. I don't know. Like I said,
  • 00:03:26
    there's a lot of misconceptions on what
  • 00:03:28
    postpartum depression is. For me, before
  • 00:03:31
    I experienced uh being a mother, what I
  • 00:03:34
    thought about it when I heard about it
  • 00:03:36
    was like the moms that wake up in the
  • 00:03:38
    night and you shake the baby and you
  • 00:03:39
    it's like terrifying, right? Or you've
  • 00:03:41
    heard stories of moms who hear voices to
  • 00:03:43
    like burn down their house. I watched a
  • 00:03:44
    TED talk on that once actually. Like it
  • 00:03:47
    seems so extreme. That's more um that
  • 00:03:50
    last example is more postpartum. There's
  • 00:03:52
    like hallucinations. That's not
  • 00:03:54
    necessarily postpartum depression.
  • 00:03:56
    That's that's something different. Um
  • 00:03:57
    but I I never had anything like that,
  • 00:03:59
    right? It was never scary like that. I
  • 00:04:02
    never had any issues with my kids. I
  • 00:04:05
    never had any issues. Sometimes people
  • 00:04:07
    will say you can't bond with your child.
  • 00:04:09
    You struggle to form a relationship.
  • 00:04:11
    That's definitely not me. I I've
  • 00:04:13
    immediately was so in love with both of
  • 00:04:15
    my kids. I never had an issue feeling
  • 00:04:18
    the bond. I never had an issue caring
  • 00:04:20
    for them or taking for the most part
  • 00:04:22
    steps to care for myself. It was just it
  • 00:04:25
    was more of just feeling depressed,
  • 00:04:27
    feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, over
  • 00:04:30
    stimulated, and not being able to
  • 00:04:33
    control that as well as I I thought I
  • 00:04:35
    would be able to. So, yeah, there are a
  • 00:04:36
    lot of misconceptions and if I'm being
  • 00:04:38
    honest, I don't think anybody can really
  • 00:04:40
    accurately define yet what postpartum
  • 00:04:43
    depression is. I mean, here we are in
  • 00:04:45
    2025 and I don't think there is a good
  • 00:04:47
    understanding of it because, you know,
  • 00:04:50
    God forbid we do research on the female
  • 00:04:53
    body and and women's experiences. You
  • 00:04:55
    know, it's who wants to dive into that
  • 00:04:58
    when we have issues like erectile
  • 00:05:00
    dysfunction, postpartum depression, that
  • 00:05:02
    can't be that hard, but you know what
  • 00:05:03
    could be dicks. Sorry for the bad jokes
  • 00:05:06
    and and me smiling a little bit
  • 00:05:07
    throughout this. I I think it's a little
  • 00:05:09
    bit of a defense mechanism. I'm really
  • 00:05:10
    uncomfortable talking about this, by the
  • 00:05:11
    way. And I was sitting here trying to
  • 00:05:13
    figure out what the hell kind of a video
  • 00:05:15
    I'm going to make. And I'm scrolling
  • 00:05:16
    through Tik Toks and Instagram reels and
  • 00:05:19
    trying to figure out what I can do. Just
  • 00:05:21
    please may a video just fall into my
  • 00:05:23
    lap. Something that I can make fun of
  • 00:05:25
    and laugh at because I don't think I can
  • 00:05:27
    mentally handle like a heavy topic right
  • 00:05:29
    now. So, I was just looking through dumb
  • 00:05:30
    stuff and I just put my I just put my
  • 00:05:32
    phone down. I'm like, I can't do this.
  • 00:05:33
    And I just sort of like this sounds
  • 00:05:35
    stupid, but I like cried for a second.
  • 00:05:36
    I'm like, I I'm feeling like I'm forcing
  • 00:05:38
    this so bad. And then it hit me. What if
  • 00:05:41
    I just what if I'm just honest for a
  • 00:05:43
    second and and a little bit vulnerable,
  • 00:05:45
    which is not my favorite thing
  • 00:05:46
    sometimes, and and just talk about like
  • 00:05:49
    what's been going on and and why I'm
  • 00:05:51
    feeling like this lack of motivation
  • 00:05:53
    sometimes and and what's been going on
  • 00:05:54
    in my life to the point of me being so
  • 00:05:57
    infrequent in posting on this channel.
  • 00:06:00
    And sure, yeah, I have kids. I have a
  • 00:06:01
    1-year-old and a three-year-old. So,
  • 00:06:03
    that's basically the reason. But it's
  • 00:06:05
    beyond that. It it goes further than
  • 00:06:07
    that. I'm finding a lot of difficulties
  • 00:06:08
    in just motivating myself to do things
  • 00:06:11
    that aren't feeding my kids, changing my
  • 00:06:14
    kids, um you know, bathing them, doing
  • 00:06:16
    things that they're basic necessities
  • 00:06:18
    for life, right? Those things I find all
  • 00:06:20
    the motivation for. Don't really have a
  • 00:06:21
    choice. But making YouTube videos, I got
  • 00:06:24
    to pay the bills, but it just it it
  • 00:06:26
    falls lower and lower and lower and
  • 00:06:28
    lower on my priority list. And I'll get
  • 00:06:30
    more into that later, but I do have to
  • 00:06:31
    pay the bills, and sponsorships are the
  • 00:06:33
    best way for me to do that. But the
  • 00:06:34
    motivation has not been there. Maybe
  • 00:06:36
    it's PPD. Maybe it's just I'm tired.
  • 00:06:38
    Burnout. I don't I don't know. I just
  • 00:06:40
    couldn't do something silly this time.
  • 00:06:42
    Like the world around me is literally on
  • 00:06:44
    fire. Literally right now. Like the news
  • 00:06:46
    is terrifying. Um things around the
  • 00:06:48
    world very scary. Things within our own
  • 00:06:51
    country very scary. And things in my own
  • 00:06:54
    life right now have been hard. Sometimes
  • 00:06:55
    you just don't feel like laughing at
  • 00:06:57
    stupid videos online. Sometimes that's
  • 00:06:59
    what you need though. So forgive me for
  • 00:07:00
    keeping it relatively light-hearted on
  • 00:07:02
    this channel. Sometimes when I do post,
  • 00:07:03
    like for my own mental health, I I need
  • 00:07:06
    that. Sometimes I need a little bit of
  • 00:07:08
    relief from what's going on. I mean,
  • 00:07:10
    sure, I see it. I post about it. If you
  • 00:07:11
    follow me on Instagram, I post about
  • 00:07:13
    stuff that's going on in the world all
  • 00:07:15
    the time and I vent and I talk about
  • 00:07:16
    what matters to me. But like sometimes
  • 00:07:18
    when it comes to actually sitting down
  • 00:07:20
    and creating content, I just I just
  • 00:07:23
    can't. I just can't. And people will
  • 00:07:25
    criticize me for that. They say, "You're
  • 00:07:26
    going to talk about this right now and
  • 00:07:28
    everything else is going on." It's like,
  • 00:07:29
    "Yeah, I know. I know. You're right."
  • 00:07:31
    And there's a lot of people that can do
  • 00:07:32
    that and power to them. But for me right
  • 00:07:34
    now at this point in my life, I just
  • 00:07:37
    need a break from the depressing stuff.
  • 00:07:38
    I've got enough depressing stuff in my
  • 00:07:40
    brain. So yeah, let's get into a video
  • 00:07:42
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    them to like me because that's how I
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    keep the lights on. And especially this
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    big ring light right here in front of
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    me. It's like very very bright to wash
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    Okay, thanks. So yeah. Anyway, I'm
  • 00:09:04
    scrolling through Tik Toks and
  • 00:09:05
    Instagrams. By the way, feel free to
  • 00:09:06
    send me any Christian cringe you see
  • 00:09:08
    because I will eventually finish that
  • 00:09:10
    video that I started. So just like tag
  • 00:09:11
    me in the comments or send me a DM with
  • 00:09:13
    like whatever crazy video you want me to
  • 00:09:14
    react to at some point. Just today.
  • 00:09:16
    today. It didn't feel genuine to to do
  • 00:09:20
    that. I had all of this on my mind
  • 00:09:22
    recently and what the things that have
  • 00:09:24
    been holding me back from sharing in the
  • 00:09:26
    past had just a little bit less of a
  • 00:09:28
    death grip on me today. So, I'm just
  • 00:09:30
    pushing through it. It felt important to
  • 00:09:32
    me and it feels good to post videos on
  • 00:09:34
    things that I think really matter. And
  • 00:09:36
    this is something that I think is
  • 00:09:37
    important and we need to talk about
  • 00:09:38
    because PPD, postpartum depression, uh,
  • 00:09:41
    according to the internet affects one in
  • 00:09:42
    seven women.
  • 00:09:44
    I would love to uh get some updated
  • 00:09:48
    research on that. I'd like to challenge
  • 00:09:50
    that statistic because I do not agree. I
  • 00:09:52
    think it probably is a much higher
  • 00:09:54
    percentage than that. I think way more
  • 00:09:56
    than one in seven. And my reasoning for
  • 00:09:58
    that is because how are they getting
  • 00:09:59
    that number? Who are they? No one's ever
  • 00:10:01
    asked me. Are people honest when they're
  • 00:10:03
    asked or do people want to act like
  • 00:10:05
    they're fine and put on a pretty face
  • 00:10:06
    because it's hard to admit something is
  • 00:10:08
    wrong. Also, what would someone consider
  • 00:10:10
    as PPD? Do people know what it is? I
  • 00:10:13
    mean, if you asked me and I had my
  • 00:10:14
    previous understanding of like losing
  • 00:10:17
    your absolute mind and setting your
  • 00:10:18
    house on fire and shaking babies and all
  • 00:10:20
    the things, I would have said like, "No,
  • 00:10:21
    I don't have that. I of course I don't
  • 00:10:22
    have that." So, I challenge the one in
  • 00:10:24
    seven. Obviously, don't I don't like
  • 00:10:26
    that. I think it's misleading and and
  • 00:10:28
    damaging. This is what the AI overview
  • 00:10:30
    is on Google. If you search for what
  • 00:10:32
    postpartum depression is, it says it's a
  • 00:10:34
    type of depression that affects some
  • 00:10:35
    individuals after childirth.
  • 00:10:38
    Okay. I mean, I guess technically it's
  • 00:10:40
    after childirth because it happened to
  • 00:10:42
    me after I had a baby, but not
  • 00:10:46
    immediately after. Like I said, it
  • 00:10:47
    didn't get me until like 3 or 4 months
  • 00:10:49
    in. It's more intense and lasts longer
  • 00:10:52
    than the baby blues, which are common
  • 00:10:54
    mood swings experienced by many new
  • 00:10:56
    parents.
  • 00:10:57
    Sure. Yeah, it it's different than baby
  • 00:11:00
    blues. Baby blues is something that just
  • 00:11:01
    you're sort of sad right after having a
  • 00:11:03
    baby. That's actually not something that
  • 00:11:05
    I personally experienced. I was like in
  • 00:11:07
    love, over the moon, happy, like in La
  • 00:11:10
    La Land, tired, but very happy for the
  • 00:11:14
    first several months. PPD can manifest
  • 00:11:15
    as feelings of sadness, anxiety, and
  • 00:11:17
    extreme fatigue that interfere with
  • 00:11:19
    daily life and the ability to care for a
  • 00:11:21
    newborn.
  • 00:11:22
    I mean, also, no, so many things wrong
  • 00:11:26
    with this. First of all, it says
  • 00:11:27
    newborn. Technically, a baby is only a
  • 00:11:29
    newborn up until 2 months. So, you got a
  • 00:11:31
    1-month-old and then when your baby is 2
  • 00:11:33
    months old, boom, they're no longer
  • 00:11:35
    considered a newborn. So, if I didn't
  • 00:11:37
    start getting symptoms until I was like
  • 00:11:39
    4 months in, what is that then? It's not
  • 00:11:43
    It can't be PPD. Also, I never had any
  • 00:11:45
    issues caring for my kids. Not even when
  • 00:11:46
    they were a newborn. Never. So, yeah, I
  • 00:11:48
    never had an issue taking care of my
  • 00:11:50
    kids. I never had an issue bonding with
  • 00:11:52
    my kids. I never had an issue with how
  • 00:11:54
    much I loved my kids. It was just that I
  • 00:11:58
    personally started to feel very anxious,
  • 00:12:00
    very depressed, overwhelmed, over
  • 00:12:03
    stimulated, and that was having a really
  • 00:12:05
    big effect on me. It just it shows up
  • 00:12:07
    different for everybody. There's such a
  • 00:12:09
    big spectrum of it that that's why I
  • 00:12:12
    think uh these types of definitions you
  • 00:12:14
    see on Google are actually really
  • 00:12:16
    damaging because someone might think,
  • 00:12:18
    "Oh, well, that doesn't make sense for
  • 00:12:20
    what I'm feeling right now. It must not
  • 00:12:22
    be postpartum depression. And now I have
  • 00:12:24
    no idea what's going on with me. There
  • 00:12:27
    must be something wrong. I must be
  • 00:12:28
    weird. I'm I'm broken. I'm a failure.
  • 00:12:30
    That's why I want to make this video. It
  • 00:12:32
    can manifest in different ways.
  • 00:12:33
    Sometimes it's not about feeling the
  • 00:12:35
    connection to your baby or being able to
  • 00:12:36
    care for them. There are so many
  • 00:12:38
    overwhelming emotions all of the time
  • 00:12:41
    that you have to sort through. It's
  • 00:12:42
    really hard. It's an emotional roller
  • 00:12:44
    coaster and you start to lose sight of
  • 00:12:46
    like where your baseline is. And it's
  • 00:12:49
    even more difficult when you don't have
  • 00:12:50
    the support. That was also me. Um I
  • 00:12:52
    happen to not live near um my mom or my
  • 00:12:56
    dad or or David's parents. We were sort
  • 00:12:59
    of out here on our own. Um and for the
  • 00:13:01
    most part, uh David's been very busy.
  • 00:13:04
    Obviously, whenever I had my second uh
  • 00:13:06
    child, my daughter, he then had to take
  • 00:13:09
    on more of the like taking care of the
  • 00:13:10
    toddler role because he had to. I was
  • 00:13:12
    with the baby. But it was tough. It's
  • 00:13:14
    been tough. It's it's tough on a
  • 00:13:16
    relationship. People don't really talk
  • 00:13:17
    about that either. It's tough on
  • 00:13:19
    finances for me. Um, I didn't get
  • 00:13:22
    maternity leave because I'm
  • 00:13:24
    self-employed, right? So, I then have to
  • 00:13:27
    battle this this issue with a career
  • 00:13:30
    that if you're not frequent, your your
  • 00:13:32
    relevance dies and then your your job is
  • 00:13:34
    gone. When you have small kids uh that
  • 00:13:36
    you have to pay for, they're very
  • 00:13:38
    expensive, by the way. Um, you need to
  • 00:13:39
    be able to keep your job. You have to
  • 00:13:41
    keep working. I do not have the luxury
  • 00:13:44
    of not working, but I also was a
  • 00:13:47
    full-time mom. So, I was trying to
  • 00:13:49
    balance all of these things along with
  • 00:13:51
    my own struggles. And it was really,
  • 00:13:53
    really tough. It still is really tough.
  • 00:13:54
    I I'm not say I'm not speaking totally
  • 00:13:56
    in the past tense right now. It is still
  • 00:13:58
    currently very tough. I don't have the
  • 00:14:00
    luxury of not working, but at the same
  • 00:14:02
    time, like I want to check myself
  • 00:14:03
    because like is that a luxury for me?
  • 00:14:06
    It's so confusing and I still haven't
  • 00:14:08
    landed on the right answer of what I
  • 00:14:11
    want. I don't even know what I want.
  • 00:14:13
    That's how confusing all of this can be.
  • 00:14:14
    It's like your brain slows down and the
  • 00:14:17
    brain fog lasts forever. Maybe it's cuz
  • 00:14:19
    I'm still nursing, but I still have it.
  • 00:14:21
    It's very frustrating. You lose sight of
  • 00:14:23
    who you are and your identity and what
  • 00:14:24
    you want. And like I go back and forth
  • 00:14:26
    on days of feeling like, I wish I didn't
  • 00:14:28
    have to work. I wish I could just delete
  • 00:14:30
    my social media. And then 5 minutes
  • 00:14:32
    later, I'm like, oh, I really wish I
  • 00:14:33
    hadn't even thought that thought because
  • 00:14:34
    I'm so thankful to have my social media.
  • 00:14:37
    And my YouTube channel literally, like
  • 00:14:39
    some of you might know this, it quite
  • 00:14:40
    literally saved my life. Um, about 10,
  • 00:14:43
    oh my god, how many years ago? 12, 13,
  • 00:14:46
    14. I I'm old. I've been here for a long
  • 00:14:48
    time. But it did pull me out of a very
  • 00:14:50
    dark place and gave me hope. And that's
  • 00:14:52
    not something I want to give up on. And
  • 00:14:54
    I I don't want my entire identity as a
  • 00:14:57
    person to be mom. And that's that's
  • 00:15:00
    something that contributes to struggles
  • 00:15:01
    of of parents. Um, especially women,
  • 00:15:04
    like you you don't even have a name
  • 00:15:06
    anymore. You go everywhere and you're
  • 00:15:08
    mama, which is fine. It's cute, but it
  • 00:15:10
    it does consume you. It consumes your
  • 00:15:13
    personality and your identity. And for
  • 00:15:15
    me, I sort of forgot who who I am
  • 00:15:18
    outside of being a mom. And I think if I
  • 00:15:21
    gave up on this, I think it would would
  • 00:15:24
    cause that identity crisis to just
  • 00:15:26
    spiral even further. So, there are
  • 00:15:27
    moments where I'm like, I love my kids
  • 00:15:28
    so much. I hate that I can't spend every
  • 00:15:31
    second with them. I hate that I have to
  • 00:15:32
    sacrifice time with my kids. I I miss
  • 00:15:34
    them when I'm not around them. I miss
  • 00:15:36
    them right now. Like right now, I feel
  • 00:15:38
    bad that I'm not playing with my kids.
  • 00:15:40
    I'm not spending time with my kids cuz
  • 00:15:42
    I'm here. But then it's like when I'm
  • 00:15:43
    with them, I'm stressed that I'm not
  • 00:15:45
    working. And that's a paradox for so
  • 00:15:48
    many women. It's like society expects
  • 00:15:49
    you to work like you don't have kids and
  • 00:15:52
    expects you to raise your kids like you
  • 00:15:54
    don't have to work. Some people may have
  • 00:15:56
    the luxury of not having to work and
  • 00:15:58
    want that. I don't even know that I want
  • 00:16:00
    that. Sometimes I think I want that, but
  • 00:16:02
    like I said, I don't want to lose myself
  • 00:16:03
    entirely. I'm like grasping at the
  • 00:16:05
    straws with a person that I I was and
  • 00:16:07
    still am somewhere in there. Um, some
  • 00:16:10
    people can't afford even to do that.
  • 00:16:12
    They cannot afford to not work and
  • 00:16:14
    that's me. We are a dual inome
  • 00:16:17
    household. My income is essential. My
  • 00:16:19
    income is essential and uh I can't
  • 00:16:22
    afford to not work. We had a babysitter
  • 00:16:24
    for a while. Uh, and then recently my
  • 00:16:26
    son started preschool 3 days a week,
  • 00:16:29
    which has helped me get some work done,
  • 00:16:30
    and that's great, but like it was really
  • 00:16:32
    hard for me. It was really hard for me
  • 00:16:34
    to give up some of that time with him.
  • 00:16:38
    Um, it's it's sad when he's away. I feel
  • 00:16:40
    like I'm not being a good mom. Well,
  • 00:16:42
    this is And I'm not looking for people
  • 00:16:44
    to leave comments and telling me that
  • 00:16:46
    I'm wrong or that it's okay. I'm just
  • 00:16:47
    I'm just telling you my struggles. Um,
  • 00:16:49
    I'm sure other people feel this way when
  • 00:16:51
    when I drop him off when he's not with
  • 00:16:53
    me during the day. I feel bad. I feel
  • 00:16:55
    like
  • 00:16:56
    he's only going to be little once,
  • 00:16:58
    right? He's three years old. Told myself
  • 00:17:00
    I wasn't going to cry. Here I am having
  • 00:17:02
    him spend entire days away from me and
  • 00:17:06
    I'm missing out on that time, right? But
  • 00:17:08
    I also have to work. I don't have a
  • 00:17:10
    choice. And it's just sort of this like
  • 00:17:11
    depressing
  • 00:17:12
    um dynamic and and double standard
  • 00:17:15
    because people will tell me that it's
  • 00:17:17
    bad of me to do that. People will tell
  • 00:17:18
    me that it's bad of me not to do more of
  • 00:17:20
    that. And I never see, this is sort of a
  • 00:17:23
    side note, I never see David getting any
  • 00:17:25
    of that. I don't see dads getting that
  • 00:17:26
    criticism. Um, they can do what they do
  • 00:17:29
    and they get praise, right? Oh, what a
  • 00:17:32
    good dad goes to work. What a good dad
  • 00:17:35
    gave the kids a bath. And I only ever
  • 00:17:38
    see how much of a failure I am online. I
  • 00:17:41
    only ever see my choices getting torn
  • 00:17:44
    apart. Um, and as much as I can like
  • 00:17:46
    write that off because literally you can
  • 00:17:48
    flip to the next video and it'll be
  • 00:17:49
    someone saying that you are doing the
  • 00:17:51
    right thing, but then the next one's
  • 00:17:52
    like, "This is why you're going to ruin
  • 00:17:53
    your kids's life forever for doing that
  • 00:17:55
    thing." And it's just a constant like
  • 00:17:57
    battle of getting completely conflicting
  • 00:18:00
    information all the time. It just makes
  • 00:18:01
    you It does make you feel like [ __ ]
  • 00:18:03
    Like I have to put my phone away
  • 00:18:04
    sometimes and be like, "No, I've got to
  • 00:18:06
    follow my intuition a little bit on some
  • 00:18:08
    of my choices and I'm doing my best."
  • 00:18:10
    And then it's so expensive even to do
  • 00:18:13
    babysitters or to do preschool that it's
  • 00:18:15
    like, am I even going to make enough
  • 00:18:18
    money to justify the amount of money
  • 00:18:21
    we're spending on all this stuff? I
  • 00:18:23
    mean, it does balance out to a a profit,
  • 00:18:26
    but like is it worth it? Like, I don't
  • 00:18:29
    even know any. It's like it's so
  • 00:18:31
    freaking expensive. the finances are
  • 00:18:33
    overwhelming and the lack of support is
  • 00:18:35
    overwhelming and the the constant
  • 00:18:36
    judgment and self self-criticism is
  • 00:18:39
    overwhelming and sometimes I wonder like
  • 00:18:40
    is that postpartum depression which is I
  • 00:18:43
    mean I I'm saying that that's what it is
  • 00:18:45
    because that's what I've been told right
  • 00:18:46
    I I've done all the things I've gone to
  • 00:18:49
    doctors I've done therapy I've done the
  • 00:18:52
    what SSRIs my options are very limited
  • 00:18:54
    by the way since I'm still breastfeeding
  • 00:18:56
    my daughter um like all the things and
  • 00:18:59
    I'm being told that you know I haven't
  • 00:19:01
    gotten like an official diet diagnosis,
  • 00:19:02
    but I am being told that's what all of
  • 00:19:04
    this is. But I'm like, well, wouldn't
  • 00:19:06
    anybody in in certain situations feel a
  • 00:19:09
    sense of overwhelm? But maybe it's just
  • 00:19:11
    the way I'm handling it. I don't know.
  • 00:19:12
    I'm overwhelmed. I'm stressed. I get
  • 00:19:15
    touched out. I get very overstimulated.
  • 00:19:18
    It's just so so hard to control that
  • 00:19:22
    sometimes. And then you you feel guilt.
  • 00:19:25
    I lose sleep sometimes. um thinking
  • 00:19:27
    about whether my kids are going to look
  • 00:19:29
    back on their childhood and be happy for
  • 00:19:32
    all the hard work that I put in or be um
  • 00:19:36
    or or be mad at me for for the moments
  • 00:19:39
    that I wasn't my best self remembering
  • 00:19:41
    the the moments where I did get over
  • 00:19:43
    stimulated. And that's my biggest fear.
  • 00:19:45
    And like I said, I've tried all the
  • 00:19:47
    things. I'm managing this as best I can,
  • 00:19:49
    but it's really hard. And unfortunately,
  • 00:19:51
    there's no like magic fix it button
  • 00:19:54
    other than than time. And that's why I'm
  • 00:19:57
    so happy that I'm at that like year and
  • 00:19:59
    a half mark cuz I'm starting to see a
  • 00:20:01
    little bit of hope. But it's still hard.
  • 00:20:03
    SSRIs unfortunately didn't really do a
  • 00:20:05
    whole hell of a lot for me. They just
  • 00:20:07
    didn't. Hopefully they, you know, I'm
  • 00:20:09
    not saying to not go down that route. I
  • 00:20:11
    never want to discourage it, but for me,
  • 00:20:12
    it didn't really help much. Also, it
  • 00:20:14
    made me gain weight. And when you're
  • 00:20:16
    postpartum and you're trying to lose
  • 00:20:17
    weight from the baby, gaining the
  • 00:20:19
    weight, it's it's also that sort of a
  • 00:20:20
    depressing thing. And I hate to even
  • 00:20:22
    complain about this. This the same thing
  • 00:20:24
    is as comp as the same thing as talking
  • 00:20:26
    about postpartum depression makes me
  • 00:20:28
    feel like I'm complaining about kids.
  • 00:20:29
    I'm not complaining about my kids. I
  • 00:20:31
    love my kids. I would not change a
  • 00:20:33
    thing. And I know people would give
  • 00:20:35
    anything to be able to have what I have
  • 00:20:37
    and have children and be able to get
  • 00:20:38
    pregnant that struggle. And I know there
  • 00:20:40
    are people who who struggle with their
  • 00:20:42
    health and their weight more than me. So
  • 00:20:44
    what the who the hell am I to talk about
  • 00:20:46
    my weight changes and and my issues with
  • 00:20:49
    how I look now and that it has like
  • 00:20:51
    affected me? like I feel like an
  • 00:20:53
    [ __ ] But the honesty in me right now
  • 00:20:56
    wants to share anyway that like that is
  • 00:20:58
    a struggle. I I've struggled with my
  • 00:21:00
    image and how I look and how my body has
  • 00:21:02
    changed and like in general. I mean,
  • 00:21:05
    sure, I I put makeup on for this video
  • 00:21:07
    and I have, like I said, a blinding ring
  • 00:21:09
    light that tries to like hide my
  • 00:21:11
    imperfections, but I look like I I'm I'm
  • 00:21:13
    getting older and that's just how I'm
  • 00:21:14
    going to look and my body's changing and
  • 00:21:17
    I it's all a lot. I just I feel like
  • 00:21:19
    [ __ ] talking about anything uh with
  • 00:21:21
    this. And I think that's one of the
  • 00:21:22
    hardest parts for me about postpartum
  • 00:21:25
    depression is just the guilt that comes
  • 00:21:28
    with all of it. The embarrassment, the
  • 00:21:31
    feeling like a failure. These early
  • 00:21:33
    years of my kid's life are they're going
  • 00:21:35
    by so fast. So fast. Um I feel like my
  • 00:21:39
    son was just born and now he's going to
  • 00:21:42
    be four in a few months. this haze that
  • 00:21:45
    I've been in, these these emotional
  • 00:21:47
    roller coasters that I've been like
  • 00:21:49
    trying to internalize and and cope with,
  • 00:21:51
    it has led me to feeling like I'm
  • 00:21:53
    missing a lot of these years. Um because
  • 00:21:57
    I'm in such survival mode. Two
  • 00:22:00
    pregnancies that close together for me,
  • 00:22:02
    which people do it even closer. I don't
  • 00:22:04
    know how I don't know how you guys do
  • 00:22:06
    it, but um for me, this was um harder
  • 00:22:11
    than I thought it would be. I don't know
  • 00:22:13
    what I thought. No one talks about this.
  • 00:22:16
    No one talks about this stuff. Everyone
  • 00:22:17
    posts these happy pictures and and all
  • 00:22:20
    this [ __ ] about how, you know, easy
  • 00:22:22
    it all is, right? I'm not saying it's
  • 00:22:25
    [ __ ] that people are happy. It's not
  • 00:22:26
    [ __ ] when I post that I'm happy. All
  • 00:22:29
    that's true. It's simultaneous, right?
  • 00:22:31
    It can coexist. The happiness and the
  • 00:22:35
    struggle can coexist.
  • 00:22:37
    the
  • 00:22:39
    incredible I've never felt a love this
  • 00:22:42
    strong as I do with my kids. That
  • 00:22:44
    intense feeling of love somehow in my
  • 00:22:47
    world coexists with depression. Each one
  • 00:22:51
    does not invalidate the other. I hope my
  • 00:22:53
    kids know that I love them and I hope
  • 00:22:56
    that they if they see a video like this
  • 00:22:58
    or ever hear me post on Instagram about
  • 00:23:00
    postpartum depression or struggles as a
  • 00:23:03
    mother, I I hope that it's not taken
  • 00:23:06
    personally and I'll just have to do my
  • 00:23:07
    part in in educating and explaining. But
  • 00:23:09
    I I don't want to like pretend that this
  • 00:23:13
    is easy because it's not and I don't
  • 00:23:15
    want to lie to people online who might
  • 00:23:18
    then judge themselves because they think
  • 00:23:20
    it's supposed to be easy and it's not
  • 00:23:21
    easy for them. So what's wrong with
  • 00:23:23
    them? And you know my kids are going to
  • 00:23:25
    grow up one day and what if they have
  • 00:23:26
    their own families and they think well
  • 00:23:28
    my mom had it so easy. Like I don't I
  • 00:23:30
    don't want I want everything to be
  • 00:23:32
    honest okay within reason. But the fact
  • 00:23:36
    that like I am having these struggles
  • 00:23:38
    even though like the logic side of my
  • 00:23:39
    brain understands right
  • 00:23:42
    the emotional part of me feels a lot of
  • 00:23:45
    guilt. I feel a lot of guilt for having
  • 00:23:48
    these struggles and not just basking in
  • 00:23:50
    the glory of being a mom, which is
  • 00:23:53
    literally what I have always dreamt
  • 00:23:55
    about since being a little girl. And the
  • 00:23:57
    fact that I haven't been able to be 100%
  • 00:23:59
    happy every day.
  • 00:24:03
    That sucks. And I feel really guilty.
  • 00:24:04
    Like I said, I wouldn't change a thing.
  • 00:24:06
    And the struggle can exist with the
  • 00:24:09
    happiness. That might not make sense to
  • 00:24:10
    everybody watching, but it makes sense
  • 00:24:12
    to me and probably to a lot of moms out
  • 00:24:15
    there who are watching. So, PPD for me
  • 00:24:16
    has not been a struggle to bond, has not
  • 00:24:19
    been a struggle to function, has not
  • 00:24:21
    been a struggle to love my children, but
  • 00:24:22
    it's there. The struggle is there.
  • 00:24:24
    Constant guilt is there. Almost like a a
  • 00:24:26
    mom impostor syndrome is there.
  • 00:24:29
    Sometimes I think I do a good job at
  • 00:24:31
    trying to soak it all in, remember
  • 00:24:33
    everything, and appreciate it, but I I
  • 00:24:36
    don't all the time. I I do feel like I
  • 00:24:39
    miss opportunities to to have memories
  • 00:24:42
    or I don't know I'm rambling at this
  • 00:24:44
    point. I need the waters to calm and uh
  • 00:24:48
    I I mean that within myself, right? I've
  • 00:24:50
    got two young kids and that does not
  • 00:24:51
    equal calm. That equals chaos. But I
  • 00:24:54
    mean within my own brain, my own mind,
  • 00:24:56
    finding who I am now, my my new self,
  • 00:25:00
    remembering who I was, incorporating who
  • 00:25:02
    I am, and figuring out who that is going
  • 00:25:05
    to make me become, and having part of
  • 00:25:07
    that identity be something that exists
  • 00:25:09
    outside of being a mom, cuz otherwise I
  • 00:25:12
    will let that just eat me up. And that's
  • 00:25:14
    not good for my kids either. As much as
  • 00:25:16
    it is nice to be a mom and have that be
  • 00:25:18
    a big part of who I am, it can't be
  • 00:25:19
    everything. At least not for my mental
  • 00:25:21
    health. I maybe other people can do it.
  • 00:25:23
    Anyway, that's what my goals are. That
  • 00:25:25
    is part of why I've been a little less
  • 00:25:28
    frequent on this channel. I've been
  • 00:25:30
    going through it. Um, and I've been
  • 00:25:32
    busy. Been busy as hell. But I'm going
  • 00:25:34
    to try to get back into it. Um, figure
  • 00:25:37
    out a good work life balance where, you
  • 00:25:39
    know, I have a lot of time with my kids,
  • 00:25:41
    but I can still get my [ __ ] together and
  • 00:25:44
    and post content and and remember who I
  • 00:25:47
    am. And, you know, I got I got to make
  • 00:25:50
    that money, honey. I I don't have a
  • 00:25:52
    choice. I want to do it in a way that is
  • 00:25:54
    authentic, right? And that mean
  • 00:25:55
    something to me. And I know that that's
  • 00:25:57
    why I started this channel because
  • 00:25:59
    talking about like important things that
  • 00:26:02
    mean something to me turns out that
  • 00:26:04
    means something to me. Anyway, I'm going
  • 00:26:05
    to stop rambling. If you've made it this
  • 00:26:07
    far, thank you. You can probably hear
  • 00:26:09
    thunder. It's about ready to storm like
  • 00:26:11
    crazy here. Woo. If you can relate um
  • 00:26:14
    and feel like sharing, um I'd be excited
  • 00:26:17
    to see what you have to say. This is
  • 00:26:19
    going to be a video, one of those videos
  • 00:26:20
    where I absolutely pour through the
  • 00:26:22
    comments because I am just so interested
  • 00:26:24
    in um other people's experience. I I
  • 00:26:27
    want to create like a almost like a
  • 00:26:29
    forum here where we can all share and
  • 00:26:31
    talk about our journeys cuz it is so
  • 00:26:34
    different for each person that I want to
  • 00:26:36
    have a variety, right? A variety of
  • 00:26:38
    choices for people to come here and
  • 00:26:40
    relate to because what I've said some
  • 00:26:42
    parts might relate to you, some parts
  • 00:26:43
    might not. And it's a spectrum of uh
  • 00:26:47
    unressearched
  • 00:26:49
    territory that needs research
  • 00:26:50
    desperately. Maybe you guys can make
  • 00:26:52
    friends. Maybe you could be my friend.
  • 00:26:53
    If you live in the Nashville area and
  • 00:26:55
    you're a mom going through something
  • 00:26:56
    similar, hit me up. Um because I I
  • 00:26:59
    probably won't have time. If I'm being
  • 00:27:02
    honest, I want to I won't have time. I
  • 00:27:04
    want I want to have friends. I have like
  • 00:27:05
    one friend. That's another thing I need
  • 00:27:07
    to work on. I need to have like a social
  • 00:27:09
    life. I don't think I've left my house
  • 00:27:10
    in 4 years, but you know what I mean. I
  • 00:27:12
    I would love to just connect with people
  • 00:27:14
    and then who knows at some point when I
  • 00:27:16
    can come up for air. Um, who knows what
  • 00:27:19
    could happen, but for right now it's
  • 00:27:20
    just, you know, you know, you know. Oh,
  • 00:27:22
    before I go, please check out Adam and
  • 00:27:24
    Eve. Use my code Jacqueline J A C L Y N
  • 00:27:27
    for that discount. It'll help me out a
  • 00:27:28
    lot. I would love for them to keep using
  • 00:27:31
    me for sponsorships, and they won't if
  • 00:27:33
    they don't think I'm cool. And don't use
  • 00:27:35
    Honey. If you want to see more content
  • 00:27:36
    like this, I've been pretty open about
  • 00:27:38
    these topics on my Instagram. I also
  • 00:27:41
    post to Tik Tok about the same things.
  • 00:27:43
    Like and subscribe. I'm going to focus
  • 00:27:44
    on some women's rights issues on this
  • 00:27:47
    channel as you've seen. I will continue
  • 00:27:49
    to do that. And of course, religion and
  • 00:27:52
    all the Christian cringe. So, I'll see
  • 00:27:53
    you in the next one. All right. All the
  • 00:27:55
    love. Bye.
Tag
  • postpartum depression
  • motherhood
  • mental health
  • anxiety
  • parenting
  • self-care
  • support
  • women's issues
  • guilt
  • identity