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[Music]
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I grew up to study the brain because I
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have a brother who has been diagnosed
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with a brain disorder schizophrenia and
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as a sister and later as a scientist I
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wanted to understand why is it that I
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can take my dreams I can connect them to
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my reality and I can make my dreams come
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true what is it about my brother's brain
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and his schizophrenia that he cannot
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connect his dreams to a common and
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shared reality so they instead become
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delusion so I dedicated my career to
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research into the severe mental
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illnesses and I moved from my home state
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of Indiana to Boston where I was working
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in the lab of dr. Francine Venice in the
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Harvard Department of Psychiatry and in
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the lab we were asking the question what
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are the biological differences between
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the brains of individuals who would be
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diagnosed as normal control as compared
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with the brains of individuals diagnosed
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with schizophrenia schizoaffective or
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bipolar disorder so we were essentially
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mapping the micro circuitry of the brain
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which cells are communicating with which
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cells with which chemicals and then in
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what quantities of those chemicals so
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there was a lot of meaning in my life
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because I was performing this type of
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research during the day but then in the
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evenings and and on the weekends I
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traveled as an advocate for Nami the
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National Alliance on Mental Illness but
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on the morning of December 10 1996 I
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woke up to discover that I had a brain
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disorder of my own a blood vessel
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exploded in the left half of my brain
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and in the course of four hours I
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watched my brain completely deteriorate
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in its ability to process all
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information on the morning of the
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hemorrhage I could not walk talk read
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write or recall any of my life I
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essentially became an infant in a
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woman's body if you've ever seen a human
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brain
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it's obvious that the two hemispheres
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are completely separate from one another
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and I have brought for you a real human
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brain
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thank you sir so this is a real human
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brain this is the front of the brain the
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back of the brain with the spinal cord
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hanging down and this is how it would be
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positioned inside of my head and when
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you look at the brain it's obvious that
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the two cerebral cortices are completely
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separate from one another for those of
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you who understand computers our right
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hemisphere functions like a parallel
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processor while our left hemisphere
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functions like a serial processor the
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two hemispheres do communicate with one
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another through the corpus callosum
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which is made up of some 300 million
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axonal fibers but other than that the
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two hemispheres are completely separate
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because they process information
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differently each of our hemisphere think
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about different things they care about
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different things and dare I say they
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have very different personalities excuse
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me thank you it's been a joy
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our right human hemisphere is all about
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this present moment it's all about right
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here right now our right hemisphere it
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thinks in pictures and it learns
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kinesthetically through the movement of
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our bodies information in the form of
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energy streams in simultaneously through
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all of our sensory systems and then it
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explodes into this enormous collage of
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what this present moment looks like what
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this present moment smells like and
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tastes like what it feels like and what
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it sounds like I am an energy being
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connected to the energy all around me
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through the consciousness of my right
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hemisphere we are energy beings
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connected to one another through the
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consciousness of our right hemispheres
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as one human family and right here right
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now we are brothers and sisters on this
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planet here to make the world a better
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place and in this moment we are perfect
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we are whole and we are beautiful my
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left hemisphere our left hemisphere is a
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very different place our left hemisphere
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thinks linearly and methodically our
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left hemisphere is all about the past
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and it's all about the future our left
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hemisphere is designed to take that
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enormous collage of the present moment
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and start picking out details details
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and more details about those details it
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then categorizes and organizes all that
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information associates it with
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everything in the past we've ever
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learned and projects into the future all
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of our possibilities and our left
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hemisphere thinks in language it's that
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ongoing brain chatter that connects me
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in my internal world to my external
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world it's that little voice that says
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to me hey you got to remember to pick up
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a Nana's on your way home I need them in
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the morning
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it's that calculating intelligence that
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knows that
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reminds me when I have to do my laundry
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but perhaps most important it's a little
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voice that says to me I am I am and as
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soon as my left hemisphere says to me I
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am I become separate I become a single
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solid individual separate from the
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energy flow around me and separate from
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you and this is a portion of my brain
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that I lost on the morning of my stroke
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on the morning of the stroke I woke up
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to a pounding pain behind my left eye
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and it was the kind of pain caustic pain
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that you get when you bite into ice
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cream and it just gripped me and then it
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released me and then it just gripped me
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and then it released me and it was very
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unusual for me to ever experience any
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kind of pain so I thought okay I'll just
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start my normal routine so I got up and
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I jumped onto my cardia glider which is
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a full body full exercise machine and
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I'm jamming away on this thing and I'm
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realizing that my hands look like
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primitive claws grasping onto the bar
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and I thought that's very peculiar and I
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looked down at my body and I thought
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whoa I'm a weird-looking thing and it
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was as though my consciousness had
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shifted away from my normal perception
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of reality where I'm the person on the
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machine having the experience to some
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esoteric space where I'm witnessing
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myself having this experience there was
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all very peculiar and my headache was
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just getting worse so I get off the
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machine and I'm walking across my living
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room floor and I realized that
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everything inside of my body has slowed
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way down and every step is very rigid
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and very deliberate there's no fluidity
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to my pace and there's this constriction
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in my area of perception so I'm just
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focused on internal systems and I'm
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standing in my bathroom getting ready to
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step into the shower and I could
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actually hear the dialogue inside of my
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body I heard a little voice saying okay
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you muscles you got a contract and you
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muscles you relaxed and now I lost my
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balance
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propped up against the the wall and I
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look down at my arm and I realized that
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I can no longer define the boundaries of
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my body I can't define where I begin and
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where I end because the atoms and the
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molecules of my arm blended with the
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atoms and molecules of the wall and all
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I could detect was this energy energy
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and I'm asking myself what is wrong with
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me what is going on and in that moment
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my brain shattered my left hemisphere
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brain chatter went totally silent just
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like someone took a remote control and
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pushed the mute button total silence and
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at first I was shocked to find myself
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inside of a silent mind but then I was
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immediately captivated by the
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magnificence of the energy around me and
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because I could no longer identify the
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boundaries of my body I felt enormous
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and expansive I felt at one with all the
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energy that was and it was beautiful
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there and then all of a sudden my left
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hemisphere comes back online and it says
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to me hey we had a problem we got a
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problem we gotta get some help but I'm
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going oh I got a problem I got a problem
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so it's like okay
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okay I got a problem but then I
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immediately drifted right back out into
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the consciousness and I fictionally
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refer to this space as lala land but it
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was beautiful there imagine what it
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would be like to be totally disconnected
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from your brain chatter that connects
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you to the external world so here I am
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in this space and my job and any stress
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related to mice my job it was gone and I
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felt lighter in my body and imagine all
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of the relationships in the external
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world and any stressors related to any
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of those they were gone and I felt this
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sense of peacefulness and imagine what
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it would feel like to lose 37 years of
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emotional baggage
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oh I felt euphoria euphoria it was
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beautiful there and then again my left
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hemisphere comes online and it says hey
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you've got to pay attention we've got to
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get help and I'm thinking I've got to
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get help I gotta focus so I get out of
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the shower and I mechanically dress and
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I'm walking around my apartment and I'm
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thinking I got to get to work I got to
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get to work
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can I Drive can I Drive and in that
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moment my right arm went totally
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paralyzed by my side did I realize oh my
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gosh am I having a stroke
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I'm having a stroke and then the next
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thing my brain says to me is wow this is
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so cool
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this is so cool how many brain
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scientists have the opportunity to study
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their own brain from the inside out
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and then it crosses my mind but I'm a
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very busy woman
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time for a strong
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it's like okay I can't stop the stroke
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from happening so I'll do this for a
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week or two and then I'll get back to my
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routine okay so I got a call help I got
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a call work I couldn't remember the
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number at work so I remembered in my
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office I had a business card with my
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number on him so I go into my business
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room I pull out a three inch stack of
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business cards and I'm looking at the
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card on top and even though I could see
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clearly in my mind's eye what my
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business card looked like I couldn't
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tell if this was my card or not because
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all I could see were pixels and the
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pixels of the words blended with the
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pixels of the background and the pixels
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of the symbols and I just couldn't tell
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and then I would wait for what I call a
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wave of clarity and in that moment I
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would be able to reattach to normal
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reality and I could tell that's not the
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card that's not the card that's not the
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card it took me 45 minutes to get one
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inch down inside of that stack of cards
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in the mean time for 45 minutes the
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hemorrhage is getting bigger in my left
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hemisphere I do not understand numbers I
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do not understand a telephone but it's
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the only plan I have so I take the foam
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pad and I put it right here I take the
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business card I put it right here and
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I'm matching the shape of the squiggles
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on the card to the shape of the
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squiggles on the foam pad but then I
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would drift back out into lala land and
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not remember if when I come back and if
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I'd already dialed those numbers so I
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had to wield my paralyzed arm like a
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stump and cover the numbers as I went
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along and pushed them so that as I would
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come back to normal reality I'd be able
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to tell yes I've already dialed that
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number eventually the whole number gets
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dialed and I'm listening to the song and
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my colleague picks up the phone and he
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says to me whoa
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and I think that myself oh my gosh he
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sounds like a golden retriever
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and so I say to him clear in my mind I
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say to him this is Jill I need help
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and what comes out of my voice is I
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think oh my gosh I sound like a golden
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retriever so I couldn't know I didn't
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know that I couldn't speak or understand
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language until I tried so he recognizes
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that I need help and he and he gets me
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help and a little while later I'm I'm
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riding in an ambulance from one hospital
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across Boston to Mass General Hospital
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and I curl up into a little fetal ball
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and just like a balloon with the last
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last bit of air of just just right out
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of the balloon I just felt my energy
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lift and just I felt my spirit surrender
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and in that moment I knew that I was no
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longer the choreographer of my life and
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either the doctors rescue my body and
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give me a second chance at life or this
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was perhaps my moment of transition when
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I woke later that afternoon I was
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shocked to discover that I was still
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alive when I felt my spirit surrender I
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said goodbye to my life and my mind was
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now suspended between two very opposite
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planes of reality stimulation coming in
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through my sensory systems felt like
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pure pain light burned my brain like
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wildfire and sounds were so loud and
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chaotic that I could not pick a voice
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out from the background noise and I just
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wanted to escape because I could not
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identify the position of my body in
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space I felt enormous and expansive like
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a genie just liberated from her bottle
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and my spirit soared free like a great
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whale gliding through a sea of silent
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euphoria nirvana I found nirvana
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I remember thinking there's no way I
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would ever be able to squeeze the
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enormousness of myself back inside this
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tiny little body but then I realized but
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I'm still alive I'm still alive and I
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have found nirvana and and if I have
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found Nirvana and I'm still alive then
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everyone who is alive can find nirvana
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and I pictured a world filled with
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beautiful peaceful compassionate loving
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people who knew that they could come to
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this space at any time and that they
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could purposely choose to step to the
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right of their left hemispheres and find
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this peace and then I realized what a
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tremendous gift this experience could be
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what what a stroke of insight this could
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be to how we live our lives and it
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motivated me to recover two-and-a-half
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weeks after the hemorrhage the surgeons
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went in and they removed a blood clot
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the size of a golf ball that was pushing
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on my language centers Here I am with my
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momma who's a true angel in my life it
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took me eight years to completely
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recover so who are we we are the life
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force power of the universe with manual
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dexterity and two cognitive minds and we
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have the power to choose moment by
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moment who and how we want to be in the
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world right here right now I can step
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into the consciousness of my right
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hemisphere where we are I am the
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life-force power of the universe I am
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the life-force power the 50 trillion
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beautiful molecular geniuses that make
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up my form and one with all that is or I
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can choose to step into the
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consciousness of my left hemisphere
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where I become a single individual a
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solid separate from the flow separate
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from you
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I am dr. Jill Bolte Taylor intellectual
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neuroanatomist
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these are the wee inside of me which
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would you choose which do you choose and
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when I believe that the more time we
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spend choosing to run the deep inner
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peace circuitry of our right hemispheres
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the more peace we will project into the
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world and the more peaceful our planet
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will be and I thought that was an idea
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worth spreading
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[Applause]