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Translator: Thành H. Châu
Reviewer: Peter van de Ven
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I grew up in a valley
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on the West coast
of New Zealand's South Island.
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Imagine the wildest,
most beautiful valley you've ever seen.
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Lush bush that merges from foothills
into fertile farmland,
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cut through by pristine rivers
that snake down from the alps above.
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And a lake that sparkles
like polished glass
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while the rainbows write color in the sky.
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I grew up in the
Gloriavale Christian Community.
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Five hundred men, women, and children
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living together and following
the doctrines of Jesus Christ.
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My grandfather was my hero
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because he brought us to this land
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and founded the community I loved.
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Purchasing the two farms
on either side of the river
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was a smart move for our group.
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We'd migrated from the East coast
and needed livelihood.
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I arrived at six weeks old,
strapped on my papa's back
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to what would be home
for the first eighteen years of my life.
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My cousins and childhood friends
were like brothers and sisters to me.
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We did everything together.
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Camping was one of our favorite pastimes.
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We snuggled in sleeping bags
underneath the stars
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and cooked damper on campfire ashes.
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Now, earlier today we were asked to recall
our happiest childhood memory.
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My favorite is celebration day.
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Imagine the coolest party
you ever attended as a child.
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My cousins, my friends, and I
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would gorge ourselves on pink candy floss
and drink way too much sugary soda.
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There were clowns on stilts,
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back-rides behind tractors,
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three-legged races,
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and a plane that flew over
to drop lollies from the sky.
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The men built us a hydro slide
and a flying fox.
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And on these days,
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my granddad would decree a day off work
for the entire community.
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So the women stopped
working in the kitchen,
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and the men came,
enough to form a festival.
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And it was all free.
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We didn't pay for it,
because we didn't earn wages.
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We didn't work for money,
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we worked for the lifestyle
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and for each other.
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The money we made in our businesses
was kept in a communal bank account.
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That bank account
built the hostels we lived in,
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put clothes on our back,
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and food in our mouths.
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And I knew every single person
in my community personally.
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Not only did I know them,
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but I knew their husband,
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their wife, their children
and their grandchildren.
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We lived in communal hostels.
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We worked together.
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We went to school together.
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We prayed together.
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I was constantly surrounded
by the people I loved the most.
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And at night, I'd skip
a couple of meters to my cousin's room
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to socialize or play a deck of cards.
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I loved working with the other girls
in the women's realm.
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I loved learning the sew,
knit, spin, and cook.
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Music was one of my favorite hobbies.
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We were taught music
in the first year of school,
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so by the time I was 17,
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I was competent
on five musical instruments.
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Think for a moment about a time
you achieved something really important.
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Remember how it felt.
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Remember how proud you were in the moment.
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That probably felt similar to the day
I received my first school report.
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It was the most exciting
day of my life as a six-year-old.
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I'd scored excellent grades
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and even better personal comments
from my school teacher.
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So you can imagine my excitement
when my grandfather took the school report
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and read it to the 500 members
of my community at dinner.
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And then he said,
"We don't want women like you."
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My stomach dropped.
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I turned bright red.
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There was air being sucked in my nostrils,
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but I couldn't breathe.
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See, my school teacher had written
in my report a sentence that read,
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"Lilia demonstrates leadership skills,
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which could be useful
for when she's older."
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And my grandfather
humiliated me for hours.
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And this would become
a common theme throughout my life.
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Afterward, I left the dinning room
a changed six-year-old girl.
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And what changed was my belief
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I was worth anything more
than what he sees I was.
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And as a young girl,
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I spent the majority of my time
with womenfolk.
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And because we home-birthed big families,
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the sight of a pregnant belly
made me feel at home.
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My mum grew up
with 15 brothers and sisters.
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I have nine siblings.
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I was seven years old
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when I saw a newborn baby
for the first time.
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I took a scissors with both hands
and snipped the umbilical cord.
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My cousin was born blue
because the cord was strangling him.
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So after saving him,
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the midwife did a trauma
assessment with me
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because I was 10 years old at the time.
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And I held my aunt's hand
when her next girl was delivered
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on a mattress in the back of a van,
on the way to the nearest hospital.
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Dad was the active manager
for one of the businesses.
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My mum was the leader of all the women
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and ran the entire
domestic realm of Gloriavale.
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I wanted to be just like her
when I grew up.
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Her job was demanding
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and because Dad was
often travelling for business,
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she needed help raising the children.
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So I changed dirty nappies,
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potty-trained,
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climbed out of bed
in the middle of the night
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to rock them back to sleep,
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cleaned up spew,
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knitted them warm clothes,
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and helped wean them off breast milk.
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I couldn't wait to grow up and marry a man
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and have his babies.
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My girl cousin and I
talked about it a lot,
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so it was a really exciting day for me
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when I turned twelve and got my period.
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Because I could finally fulfill
my purpose in life.
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And by the time I was 14,
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I knew who I wanted to fulfill
that purpose with.
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His name was Willing.
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It would be a worthy marriage.
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I was the granddaughter
of the church founder,
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and he was the son of Fervent,
one of the church leaders.
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And one day I was sitting in class,
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when Fervent bowled in the door,
dragging Willing by the shoulder.
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Willing had been disobedient.
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I don't remember what he'd done,
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it could have been that he
combed his hair the wrong way,
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spoke back to his father,
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listened to music
he wasn't allowed to listen to,
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or read a book
he wasn't allowed to read.
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That didn't matter.
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The punishment was the same.
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Willing was ordered to bend over
and pull down his pants.
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And my stomach rolled
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when Fervent pulled out the leather belt.
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We were then told to watch
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as Fervent beat Willing with it,
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and I refused to look;
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instead, I stared down at my desk
and whispered, "Please God, make it stop."
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Please make it stop.
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In that moment,
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my respect for Fervent's leadership
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imploded.
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I knew what he was doing was wrong.
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They taught us so much
about the love of God
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that as I watched Fervent beat his son,
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I thought that's not love.
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And it wasn't love
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even though after Fervent
had finished beating his son,
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he hugged him and told him he loved him.
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That's not love.
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I became suspicious of the laws
we were being taught.
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"Spare the rod, spoil the child,"
the leaders said.
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My blood boiled when one wife
brought her child to me
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and showed me the blue welt
on the toddler's back.
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I gritted my teeth,
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"How can anyone
call themselves a Christian
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and treat a child that way?"
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"How can any parent
treat a child that way?"
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My friend Jubilant wasn't spoiled.
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He was born into one of the least
privileged families in our society
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with no connection to leadership circles.
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He was the jokester of our class,
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always saying witty things
to make us laugh.
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Imagine
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your brother,
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one of your children,
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your nephew and niece,
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your daughter,
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the one who makes everyone laugh,
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the clown,
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that was Jubilant.
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And one day at soccer,
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Jubilant made one too many jokes.
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And when our teacher Nathaniel
began to punch and kick him,
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my stomach rolled again.
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The game froze,
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and we looked on horrified,
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and I thought Nathaniel would stop.
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But he didn't.
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He forced Jubilant to walk
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from the soccer field
to the main building,
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all the while punching and kicking him.
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And Jubilant was sobbing,
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raising his hands to shield
his head from the blows.
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And I thought
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surely Nathaniel would be dismissed
as our school teacher.
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But the next day, he was back
in the classroom with us.
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And I thought,
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"What's wrong with the people
running this place?
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I don't want to have children here."
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Not wanting children
was a sin that was forbidden.
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My best friend Grace
was an unwanted child.
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Her mother had given her up at birth,
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and her adoptive parents shipped her
from the U.S to our community,
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hoping that good influence
would set her straight.
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Excuse me.
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She was a chocolate-skinned Mexican girl
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who arrived in Gloriavale when she was 13,
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just three years older than me.
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I loved that girl more than life.
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She giggled lots and made me fell safe.
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So we became best friends
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and spent as many moments
as we could together.
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And Grace brought personal possessions
from the outside world:
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music,
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jewelry,
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makeup.
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These were forbidden.
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And seeing them for the first time made
Grace all the more special in my eyes.
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Her rebellious spirit inspired me.
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And over the years,
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Grace would be punished many times
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because she refused to be controlled.
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She was 20 when she came to me and told me
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the leaders had ordered her
marriage to a man she didn't love.
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She was sobbing,
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trembling,
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tears were streaming down her cheeks.
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In desperation, she'd packed her bags,
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hidden them under a tree,
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called a friend on the outside
to come rescue her,
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but she was discovered,
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taken before an inquisition
of 20 men seated in a small room,
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condemned,
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forced to confess she was evil,
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forced to phone her outside family
and say she didn't want to leave anymore.
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And I thought,
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"Fuck them.
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No one tells my best friend what to do."
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So I wrapped my arms
around her and I said,
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"Don't listen to them.
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You do what you believe is right."
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Thankfully,
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her adoptive parents came through.
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They phoned Gloriavale
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and threatened to send in the police
if Grace wasn't allowed to leave.
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The next day, she was gone.
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And she now lives happily in Canada.
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Excuse me.
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After the incident with Grace,
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I knew I had to leave too,
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or I would be forced
to marry a man I didn't love.
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And I knew I had to take
my little sisters with me,
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or the same thing would happen to them.
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I had one foot out the door already.
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When I was 11,
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my oldest sibling ran away.
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When I was 13,
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my next oldest sibling ran away.
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When I was 17,
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my younger brother threatened to leave.
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I didn't know it at the time,
but my parents were ready to leave too.
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But they couldn't bear the thought
of losing another child.
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They were waiting for me to come around
so we could stay together.
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After what happened to Grace,
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I was ready to go.
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I left Gloriavale with my entire family
less than a year after Grace had.
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And after I left the cult,
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I became obsessed with learning
everything I could about human behavior
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because I thought, "If I can understand
myself and others better,
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I can protect myself,
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I can make sure no one ever
takes advantage of me ever again."
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And as I wrote the story of my life
in a religious cult,
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I realized the leaders of Gloriavale
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used cruel tactics
to control and manipulate me.
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They began by using shame
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to degrade me in front of
the people I loved.
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It started with my grandfather
publicly disgracing me
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for my six-year-old report card.
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His action sends a clear message
of who's in charge.
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We all knew what would happen
to people who dared Christian authority.
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But it didn't end there,
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they began using guilt
to degrade my self-worth.
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When I was a child, they told me every day
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I was a worthless sinner.
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It was my fault.
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I was evil.
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I was the one to blame.
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When people treated me badly
I thought I deserved it.
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I struggled to think correct for myself
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because I was always second-guessing:
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What if it is my fault?
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What if I am to blame?
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Now, they may have beaten me down,
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but they messed up
when they mistreated the people I loved.
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My fury towards the injustices
suffered by Grace, Jubilant, and Willing
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gave me the strength
I hadn't been able to muster for myself.
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I couldn't stand by and watch
someone I loved wrongly suffer.
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Love for others broke
the chains that shackled me.
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But why was I willing
to love them and not myself?
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Eventually, I realized that if ...
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I could learn to love myself
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the way I loved Willing,
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the way I love Jubilant and Grace,
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the way I love my little sisters,
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then I wouldn't take anyone's bullshit.
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So I asked,
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What does it mean to love myself?
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What does it mean to love myself so fully
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that if anyone ever tries
to shame me again,
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I am the first to stand up for myself.
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I don't have all the answers,
but I've come a long way.
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And I've come to realize
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that my six-year-old
report card was bang-on.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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And my grandfather
was terrified of strong women.
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(Laughter)
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I'm a strong woman.
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I'm a leader.
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Today I know
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my leadership skills are priceless.
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I used them to leave the church
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and find my own way
in the world that, honestly,
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still scares the living hell out of me.
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I used them when I was 23
to run a business
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and to write a book
that teaches others what's possible.
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Now at 27 years old,
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I'm using them to stand here
with you today.
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I use them every day
to remind my six-year-old self
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she can do anything she wants to do
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and to never let anyone
tell her otherwise.
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Thank you.
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(Applause) (Cheers)
