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Transcriber: Mary Kay
Reviewer: Denise RQ
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There's an ancient and well-known
philosophical riddle that asks:
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"If a tree falls in the forest
and no one is around to hear it,
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does it still make a sound?"
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A scientific view is that,
while a tree will make waves in the air,
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to make a sound,
it takes an ear to hear it.
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My question is,
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if a person speaks and offers
a TED Talk, for example,
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and no one listens,
is that really communication?
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I believe that listening is
the missing half of communication.
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It is absolutely necessary
but often overlooked.
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We live in an age we call
the Age of Communication.
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Certainly, with cell phones,
texts, tweets, and emails,
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there is a lot of talking going on.
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But how much listening can there really be
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with so much interruption and distraction?
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My passion for the last 30 years
has been helping people get to "yes"
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in very tough negotiations.
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From family feuds to boardroom battles,
from labor strikes to civil wars.
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I hear a lot of talking, but I don't hear
a lot of real listening.
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We think of negotiation
as being about talking.
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In fact, it's really about listening.
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If you study the behavior
of successful negotiators,
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you find that they listen
far more than they talk.
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After all, we're given two ears
and one mouth for a reason.
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We should listen at least
twice as much as we speak.
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Why listen? Why is it so important?
Let me tell you a story.
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Some years ago, I was in the country
of Venezuela serving as a third party
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between the government
and the political opposition
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at a time of intense conflict,
with a lot of people fearing a civil war.
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My colleague, Francisco Diaz and I
had an appointment
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with the President, Hugo Chavez,
at 9:00 PM at the Presidential Palace.
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Finally, at midnight,
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we were ushered in
to see the President
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who had his entire cabinet
arrayed behind him.
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He asked me: "So, Ury, what do you think
of the situation going on here?"
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I said: "Mr. President, I've been talking
to your ministers here, to the opposition.
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I think you're making some progress."
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"Progress? What do you mean
progress?" he shouted.
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"You're blind.
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You're not seeing all the dirty tricks
those traitors are up to."
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He leaned in very close to my face
and proceeded to shout.
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What was I going to do?
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Part of me felt like
defending myself, naturally.
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But what good would it do for me
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to get into an argument
with the President of Venezuela?
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(Laughter)
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How would that advance peace?
So I just listened.
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I gave him my full attention.
I listened to where he was coming from.
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President Chavez was famous
for making eight hour speeches.
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After 30 minutes of me
just nodding and listening,
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I saw his shoulders slowly sag.
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He said to me in a very weary tone
of voice: "So, Ury, what should I do?"
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That's the sound of a human
mind opening to listen.
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I said: "Mr. President,
it's almost Christmas.
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The country needs a break.
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Last year, all the festivities
were canceled because of the conflict.
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Why not propose a truce this time
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so that people can enjoy
the holidays with their families?
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After that, maybe everybody
will be in a better mood to listen."
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He said: "That's a great idea. I'm going
to announce that in my next speech."
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His mood has completely shifted.
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How? Through the simple
power of listening.
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Because I listened to him,
he was more ready to listen to me.
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There are at least three important reasons
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why it's important to listen
in any negotiation or conflict.
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The first is that it helps us
understand the other side.
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Negotiation, after all,
is an exercise in influence.
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You're trying to change
someone else's mind.
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How can you possibly change
someone else's mind
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if you don't know where their mind is?
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Listening is key.
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The second reason is just as important.
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It helps us connect with
the other human being.
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It helps us build rapport.
It builds trust. It shows we care.
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After all, everybody wants to be heard.
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The third reason is,
as with President Chavez,
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it makes it more likely that the other
person will listen to us.
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It helps get to "yes."
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In short, listening may be
the cheapest concession
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we can make in a negotiation.
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It costs us nothing,
and it brings huge benefits.
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Listening may be the golden key
that opens the door to human relationship.
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How do we listen?
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It turns out that we often
take listening for granted
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as something easy and natural.
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But in fact, at least in my experience,
real genuine listening is something
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that needs to be learned
and practiced every day.
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In ordinary listening,
we're hearing the words.
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We're often thinking, "Where do I agree?
Where do I disagree?
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What am I going to say in response?"
In other words, the focus is on us.
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In genuine listening, however,
the spotlight moves to the other person.
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We put ourselves in their shoes.
We tune into their wavelength.
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We listen from within their frame
of reference, not just ours.
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That's not easy.
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In genuine listening, we listen
not just for what's being said,
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but for what's not being said.
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We listen not just to the words,
but to what's behind the words.
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We listen for the underlying
emotions, feelings, and needs.
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We listen for what that person
really needs or wants.
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Let me give you an example.
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About a year and a half ago, I was
invited to help a Brazilian entrepreneur
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by the name of Abilio Diniz.
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He was trapped in a titanic legal dispute
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with his French business partner over
the control of Brazil's largest retailer.
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The Financial Times called it perhaps
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the biggest cross-continental boardroom
showdown in recent history.
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It had gone on for two and a half years.
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It was immensely costly and stressful,
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not only to both parties
but to their families
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and the 150,000 employees
of the company.
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When I sat down with Abilio
in his home, I listened to his story.
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After that, I had a question.
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I said: "Abilio, help me understand here.
What do you really want?"
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He said: "Well, I want
the stock at a certain price.
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I want the company headquarters.
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I want the elimination
of the non-compete clause."
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He gave me a list. As I listened, I heard
something deeper there that was unspoken.
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I asked him: "Abilio, you're a man
who seems to have everything.
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What are these things
really going to give you?
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What do you most want in your life?"
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He paused for a moment
and thought about it.
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Finally, he said: "Freedom.
I want my freedom.
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I want to be free to pursue
my business dreams.
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I want to be free to spend time
with my family." That was it.
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I was hearing the human being
behind the words
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not just the champion businessman.
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Once we were clear about his deepest need,
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then the negotiation itself,
while challenging, became a lot easier.
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In four short days, my colleagues and I,
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by listening to the other side,
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were able to take this titanic dispute
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and resolve it with a settlement
that left both sides highly satisfied.
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As Abilio being a friend
in the process later told me,
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"I got everything I wanted.
But most importantly, I got my life back."
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How did that happen?
Through the simple power of listening.
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If listening is so useful,
why isn't everyone doing it?
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To tell you the truth, it's not so easy.
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If I reflect on my own experience
for a moment,
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there are times when I feel like
I'm listening pretty well in my work,
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only to go home and find out
I'm not listening so well to my wife.
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It's humbling. I can tell you.
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The real problem in the way,
what makes it so hard to listen
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is that there is so much
going on in our minds.
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There is so much noise and distraction
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that we don't have the mental
and emotional space
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to be able to truly listen
to the other side.
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How do we clear our minds?
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It may seem odd, but the secret is,
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if we want to listen to the other side,
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we have to learn
to listen to ourselves first.
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When I was sitting there
with President Chavez,
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what really helped me
was that, just beforehand,
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I had taken a few moments of quiet
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to pay attention to
what was going on for me.
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I listened to myself to quiet my mind.
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When he began shouting, I was ready.
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I could notice that my cheeks
were reddening,
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and my jaw was a little clenched.
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I felt some fear and anxiety.
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By paying attention
to those sensations and emotions,
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I was able to let them go,
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so that I could truly listen
to President Chavez.
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What if, before an important,
delicate or sensitive conversation,
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we took a moment of silence just
to tune in and listen to where we are?
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I believe that if we did that,
if we truly listened to ourselves first,
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we would find it a lot easier
to listen to others.
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The final question is,
if we listened more,
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what difference would
it make in the world?
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I believe it would make a huge difference.
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In the course of my mediation work,
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I personally witnessed
the enormous cost of conflict,
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the broken relationships, families,
the stressed out work places,
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the ruinous law suits,
and the senseless wars.
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What always strikes me is
the biggest opportunity we have actually,
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is to prevent these conflicts
even before they start.
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How do we do that?
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It's not easy, but it almost always
starts with one simple step.
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Listening. This is my dream.
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A listening revolution that can turn
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this Age of Communication
into an Age of Listening.
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In other words, an age
of true communication.
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Imagine for a moment a world
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in which every child learns
to listen at an early age.
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What if we taught listening in school,
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like we teach reading, as a core skill?
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After all, listening
is how you read people.
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Imagine a world in which parents
learn to listen to their children.
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What better way after all, is there for us
to teach our children to listen to us
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than for us to listen to them?
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What better way for us to show
our children that they truly matter?
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What better way is there to show our love?
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As an extra bonus,
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maybe we'd see happier marriages
and fewer divorces,
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as couples learned
to listen to each other.
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Imagine a world in which leaders
learned how to listen to their people.
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What if we chose leaders based
on their ability to listen, not just talk?
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What if listening became
the norm in our organizations
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and not just the exception?
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What if on radio and TV
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we had not just talk shows,
but listen shows?
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(Laughter)
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What if we had not just
peace talks, but peace listens?
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I firmly believe that we'd get
to 'yes' a lot more often.
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We might not eliminate all conflict,
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but we would avert
a lot of fights and wars.
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Everybody would be much better off.
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I, very happily, might be out of a job.
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That's my dream.
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While it may seem audacious,
it's not that complicated.
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Listening can be a chain reaction
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in which each person
who is genuinely listened to
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feels naturally inspired
to listen to the next.
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Listening can be contagious.
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I invite you to start
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this chain reaction today,
right here, right now.
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In your next conversation
with a colleague,
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client, partner, or child,
a friend or a stranger,
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give them your full attention.
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Listen to the human being
behind the words.
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One of the biggest gifts we can give
anyone is the gift of being heard.
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With the simple power of listening now,
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we can transform our relationships,
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our families, and our world
for the better, ear by ear.
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Thank you for listening.
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(Applause)
