The Enneagram: Help For Type 3
摘要
TLDRIn this in-depth discussion of Enneagram Type 3, known as "The Achiever" or "The Performer," the speaker highlights the driven, adaptable nature of Type 3 individuals who aim for big goals and ambitions. These individuals are often image-conscious and focus on how they're perceived by others. Due to this concern for image, they may misidentify themselves as other Enneagram types, like Type 1 or Type 2, because they want to be perceived as either a good person or caring for others. Type 3s are likable and charming, adapting themselves to fit the groups they associate with. Despite their successes, Type 3s can struggle with maintaining authenticity, sometimes losing touch with their genuine desires and values in their pursuit of success and recognition. At their worst, they risk becoming "human doings" rather than "human beings," striving to perfect their image at the cost of personal fulfillment. They often chase external achievements to fend off feelings of worthlessness and to garner admiration from others, believing that success equates to personal validation. The video emphasizes the need for Type 3s to develop self-awareness by looking beyond their public persona to understand their true values and passions. By acknowledging their inherent worth and seeking genuine relationships, Type 3s can prevent themselves from ending up with accomplishments that feel meaningless. They are encouraged to focus on authenticity, personal growth, and community involvement to achieve a more balanced and fulfilling life. Through this, they can move from seeking individual recognition to advancing collective goals, thereby achieving true personal and communal success.
心得
- 📈 Type 3s are ambitious, driven individuals focused on accomplishments.
- ⚠️ They often misidentify themselves due to their image consciousness.
- 🎭 Adapt easily, fitting into different social groups like a chameleon.
- 😕 May become disconnected from their true desires and inner self.
- 💡 Need to pause and reflect on genuine passions and values.
- 💔 Driven by a fear of being worthless without achievements.
- 🧩 Success often equates to external validation but can lack personal meaning.
- 🌱 Healthier Type 3s focus on community and collective goals.
- 🕵️♂️ Must develop self-awareness to maintain authenticity.
- 💬 Relationships should be genuine, not just an extension of their image.
时间轴
- 00:00:00 - 00:05:00
The video discusses the Enneagram type 3, known as the Achiever or Performer. These individuals are adaptable and driven by a desire to accomplish big goals, often being very image-conscious. They might misidentify themselves due to their focus on image, sometimes mistaking themselves for types 1 or 2 due to their desires to be seen as good or caring. Threes are likable and charming, capable of adapting to different groups like chameleons, often presenting different facets of themselves depending on the setting.
- 00:05:00 - 00:10:00
Threes are characterized by high self-esteem, confidence, and energy. They belong to the assertive types on the Enneagram and are driven by ambition and self-improvement, often engaging in activities like self-help. They are highly competitive and focus on achieving goals with a positive attitude. Their adaptability allows them to fit well into groups, making them successful and charming individuals, but this competitiveness can sometimes lead to personal costs if not balanced properly.
- 00:10:00 - 00:15:00
Threes’ drive for success can often turn them into 'human doings' rather than 'human beings,' focusing too much on achievements and external validation at the cost of personal authenticity and awareness of their true desires. Consequently, they may achieve much but question the personal significance of their accomplishments, struggling with whether they are genuinely passionate about their pursuits or just driven by the compulsion to succeed.
- 00:15:00 - 00:20:00
The speaker emphasizes the need for type 3 individuals to engage in soul-searching to understand their core identity beyond image and success. Without this introspection, threes might find themselves at the end of life with achievements that hold no personal meaning. It is crucial for them to understand their values and genuine desires to avoid living an unfulfilling life centered solely around external accomplishments and recognition.
- 00:20:00 - 00:25:00
Threes often confuse admiration with being loved and may end up valuing the perception of others over genuine relationships. They continue to chase success and external validation without truly knowing themselves or what they want, potentially resulting in living an image rather than their authentic selves. Achieving an outward admiration may not satisfy the deeper need for genuine connection and self-awareness.
- 00:25:00 - 00:30:00
Shame is a primary issue for threes, driving them toward achievements to avoid feeling unworthy. Unlike type twos or fours, threes mask their insecurities by constantly achieving to cover up their perceived deficiencies. Without addressing these underlying feelings of shame, they risk staying caught in an endless cycle of pursuing external achievements to validate their self-worth and stave off worthlessness.
- 00:30:00 - 00:35:00
Threes can become disconnected from their authentic selves, striving to be the best in various aspects of life to counteract feelings of worthlessness. Despite external success, they might miss genuine fulfillment if they do not align their pursuits with their true values and passions. It is important for threes to realize their inherent worth apart from achievements to prevent burnout and existential dissatisfaction.
- 00:35:00 - 00:40:00
The speaker suggests that a shift in mindset is needed, where threes focus more on authenticity and real connections rather than solely on success. Genuine happiness and satisfaction come from being true to oneself rather than continuously seeking others' admiration for accomplishments. This requires acknowledging their vulnerability and being okay with not always being the best but being genuine both in self-perception and interactions with others.
- 00:40:00 - 00:45:00
When unhealthy, threes might withdraw or fall into depression, neglecting personal and professional duties. However, when healthy, they become more collaborative, focusing on team success and collective achievements rather than individual accolades. This shift enables them to find fulfillment beyond personal accomplishments, enriching their relationships and contributing positively to their communities.
- 00:45:00 - 00:50:00
Embracing authenticity allows threes to form genuine connections and find true personal acceptance. Instead of constantly adapting to fit expectations, they should set personal boundaries and focus on values they truly believe in. This involves being honest with themselves and others, fostering cooperative and supportive relationships, and finding real joy and satisfaction beyond just external achievements.
- 00:50:00 - 00:59:36
Ultimately, true success for threes lies in being real and present, valuing themselves beyond what they achieve. By understanding and embracing their inherent worth, they can cultivate meaningful relationships and a more balanced life. This transformation involves seeing beyond the need for admiration and focusing on genuine connections and personal growth, leading to a more fulfilled and grounded existence.
思维导图
常见问题
What is Enneagram Type 3 known for?
Enneagram Type 3, often called "The Achiever" or "The Performer," is known for their adaptability, drive to achieve goals, and concern with their image.
Why might a Type 3 misidentify themselves as another type?
Type 3s are highly image-conscious and focused on how they are perceived, leading them to believe they are similar to Type 1 (The Perfectionist) or Type 2 (The Helper), as these traits align with their desires to be seen as good or caring.
What challenges do Type 3s face?
Type 3s may face challenges in becoming overly focused on image, success, and external validation, leading to a lack of genuine self-awareness and a disconnection from their true desires and values.
How can Type 3s become more self-aware?
Type 3s can become more self-aware by pausing to reflect on their genuine desires, values, and feelings, instead of solely focusing on achieving external success and recognition.
What is the fundamental fear of a Type 3?
The fundamental fear of a Type 3 is being worthless or without inherent value apart from their achievements and successes.
How can Type 3s achieve a healthier balance in life?
Type 3s can achieve a healthier balance by focusing more on internal self-awareness, real relationships, and community contributions, rather than solely seeking external validation and success accolades.
What does success mean to a Type 3?
Success for a Type 3 often means achieving recognition, setting themselves apart through accomplishments, and being admired, although it may sometimes be devoid of personal significance.
Why is it important for Type 3s to recognize authenticity?
Recognizing authenticity is important for Type 3s to ensure they are not merely crafting an appealing image but rather pursuing goals and relationships that align with their true identity and values.
How are Type 3s perceived by others in different social settings?
Type 3s can be perceived differently by various social groups because they adapt their persona to align with the ideals of each group, sometimes leading to confusion among acquaintances about their true characteristics.
What is the connection between Type 3s and stress or burnout?
Type 3s are at risk of stress or burnout if they continuously push themselves to maintain high achievements without pausing to consider whether those accomplishments align with their true passions or values.
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- 00:00:00hey guys how's it going today we're
- 00:00:02gonna talk about type 3 on the India
- 00:00:04gram the achiever or the performer and
- 00:00:07I've got my notes in front of me so
- 00:00:10let's get started the achiever the
- 00:00:13performer is an adaptable driven person
- 00:00:16who wants to accomplish big goals big
- 00:00:20dreams they've got a lot planned for
- 00:00:22their life they are going to set goals
- 00:00:27and then be driven to accomplish those
- 00:00:29goals if you're a3 you may not know
- 00:00:33you're a three threes are very image
- 00:00:36conscious and concerned with the image
- 00:00:39that they present to the world around
- 00:00:41them and so often threes will miss
- 00:00:44identify themselves in my experience
- 00:00:46threes will often miss identify
- 00:00:47themselves as ones or as twos primarily
- 00:00:52they may miss identify as other types
- 00:00:55but part of that goal to protect your
- 00:00:57image is you may cut you may feel like
- 00:01:00well I really do want to be a good
- 00:01:02person so I must be a one or I really do
- 00:01:04intend to be there to provide care to
- 00:01:06people so I must be a two when in
- 00:01:09actuality you may later discover that
- 00:01:11that you are in fact a three so threes
- 00:01:14are very image conscious they're very
- 00:01:15oriented to how they're coming across
- 00:01:17and what people think of them and that
- 00:01:20can be a hard thing for you to realize
- 00:01:21because you know that that that's not
- 00:01:24something that that you really want to
- 00:01:27accept is that you really do are
- 00:01:30concerned with how people perceive you
- 00:01:32threes are very likable people they're
- 00:01:36very charming people often they're very
- 00:01:38charming people I'm sure there's
- 00:01:40probably some that aren't but the whole
- 00:01:43deal with threes is they want to come
- 00:01:45across as likable and charming people
- 00:01:47they want to identify themselves with
- 00:01:51the group and and be an outstanding
- 00:01:54ideal for that group and so they they
- 00:01:58can continually adapt their identity in
- 00:02:00order to fit in kind of like a chameleon
- 00:02:02in order to to fit in with whatever
- 00:02:04group they're with in fact one of the
- 00:02:07things that's noted about threes is like
- 00:02:09at their funeral people from different
- 00:02:12walks and different groups
- 00:02:13that they've been associated in will all
- 00:02:15describe that person differently
- 00:02:16and so people will say are we sure we
- 00:02:18know the same person because when that
- 00:02:22when that achiever was you know with
- 00:02:25their Lodge buddies they acted one way
- 00:02:27when they were at work they acted
- 00:02:29another when they're with their family
- 00:02:30they acted in another and when when they
- 00:02:32were with their church you know they
- 00:02:33acted another way and so they they
- 00:02:35really fit into whatever group that they
- 00:02:37were in so well that people from other
- 00:02:40groups may be surprised by what they
- 00:02:45learned in that person's life things
- 00:02:48that they were interested in and ways
- 00:02:50that they came across in those other
- 00:02:51groups so let's talk about the three a
- 00:02:53little bit they have a high they can
- 00:02:57demonstrate a high sense of self esteem
- 00:02:59they look very confident they look very
- 00:03:01put together they look like they know
- 00:03:03who they are and they know where they're
- 00:03:04going they're often very energetic they
- 00:03:05are one of the assertive types eight
- 00:03:08sevens and threes are the three
- 00:03:11assertive types on the Enneagram so they
- 00:03:13do walk in seem confident know what they
- 00:03:17want willing to take over a room take
- 00:03:19take the microphone stand on the stage
- 00:03:22speak they are ambitious they want to
- 00:03:26improve themselves so they're very
- 00:03:28concerned with you know self help and
- 00:03:31those kinds of topics which probably
- 00:03:33most of those books are written by
- 00:03:36threes on how to be a good three you
- 00:03:41know set goals aim high dream big work
- 00:03:45you know treat people the way you want
- 00:03:49to be treated and so you know these
- 00:03:52books that are self-help books are
- 00:03:55probably you know written mostly by
- 00:03:57people who that comes naturally to them
- 00:04:00and and they're really kind of like play
- 00:04:02books on how to be successful as a three
- 00:04:06America you know somebody has said that
- 00:04:08America is kind of a three culture in
- 00:04:11that
- 00:04:12you know we're driven to success we're
- 00:04:14driven you know by appearance we're
- 00:04:16driven by those external things and so a
- 00:04:20lot of this self-help material I think
- 00:04:23is really just three material so they
- 00:04:27tend to be very competitive and focus on
- 00:04:29achieving their goals and have a
- 00:04:30positive can-do attitude they adapt
- 00:04:33themselves easily to whatever group
- 00:04:35they're in and know how to present
- 00:04:38themselves well which is why they're
- 00:04:39liked and not only are they so
- 00:04:41successful and they accomplish so much
- 00:04:43which draws you to them but they tend to
- 00:04:45be very charming people as well type
- 00:04:49ones want to do what is right and so
- 00:04:52those are the employees that you know
- 00:04:54maybe show up early and stay late and
- 00:04:56they don't think maybe about it
- 00:04:58advancing their career they're just
- 00:04:59doing their job they're just doing what
- 00:05:01needs to be done threes are gonna take
- 00:05:03that same job but there there may be
- 00:05:05always got their eye on how do I move
- 00:05:07ahead in this company how do I advance
- 00:05:09my career how do I move from you know
- 00:05:12this position to assistant manager to
- 00:05:14manager to regional manager they've got
- 00:05:17a track that they're they're they're
- 00:05:19trying to to get to the top of their
- 00:05:22organization or at least get to the top
- 00:05:23of their abilities threes can be
- 00:05:27profoundly moving people and
- 00:05:29inspirational because they are driven
- 00:05:31towards success and being successful and
- 00:05:33looking successful especially if they
- 00:05:36have a caring attitude about them they
- 00:05:38they want to mentor you they're looking
- 00:05:41for mentors in their life examples role
- 00:05:44models and they they seek to be mentors
- 00:05:47for the rest of us they they want to
- 00:05:50provide an ideal example for us by which
- 00:05:53we can we can follow so they're often
- 00:05:55successful well-liked inspirational to
- 00:05:58the rest of us but like any other type
- 00:06:00on the india graham there can be a dark
- 00:06:02side to being a three there can be a
- 00:06:06driven as' that comes at a cost at a
- 00:06:09personal cost if not careful you know a
- 00:06:14three can become a human doing instead
- 00:06:17of a human being in other words it's
- 00:06:19always about performing it's always
- 00:06:21about excelling it's always about doing
- 00:06:23your best it's always about looking good
- 00:06:25and finishing well and keeping up
- 00:06:27appearances and so a3 can easily kind of
- 00:06:31lose themselves and all that and that
- 00:06:34concern with polishing up that image and
- 00:06:36that external image they can kind of
- 00:06:38lose touch with who they really are
- 00:06:40what they really care about what they
- 00:06:41want to see accomplished in life in
- 00:06:43other words they're so driven to get to
- 00:06:45the top of the ladder of success that
- 00:06:50they never really maybe stop and think
- 00:06:52do I even care about this wall that I'm
- 00:06:55climbing up you know what do I have to
- 00:06:57do to become the assistant manager what
- 00:06:59I have to do to become the manager and
- 00:07:01then one day they get to the top of that
- 00:07:03that ladder and they look down on all
- 00:07:05their success and all their
- 00:07:06accomplishment and all their
- 00:07:08achievements and and they're asked this
- 00:07:10question you know do I even care about
- 00:07:12this company do I even care about this
- 00:07:14product we're selling do I even care
- 00:07:15about and know they may not care at all
- 00:07:18about it
- 00:07:19they were so caught up in the driven as'
- 00:07:21and in the becoming a success that maybe
- 00:07:25they never stopped a question am i
- 00:07:26working for the right organization you
- 00:07:29know is this is this in touch with my
- 00:07:31values and what do I really value and
- 00:07:33what do I really care about and what's
- 00:07:35really important to me so driven to
- 00:07:37accomplish something then maybe they
- 00:07:39never took the time to stop and realize
- 00:07:41is this what I'm even passionate about
- 00:07:43I'm passionate yes excited motivated
- 00:07:48career oriented driven but am i driven
- 00:07:52for the right things so you might you
- 00:07:53know that old phrase you know before you
- 00:07:56focus on doing things right make sure
- 00:08:00you're doing the right things you know
- 00:08:02it's not just about managing yourself
- 00:08:04and managing your career and managing
- 00:08:07your future but are you are you even in
- 00:08:09the right game and this is where threes
- 00:08:12can get lost is they've never really
- 00:08:13made me stop to think about do I even
- 00:08:15care about these stupid goals you know I
- 00:08:18want a prize so what is this what I
- 00:08:21really care about is this what I want to
- 00:08:22give my life to so these are this is a
- 00:08:26this is gonna be some some
- 00:08:28soul-searching for you if you're a three
- 00:08:30this is gonna be a time for you to wake
- 00:08:34up and really stop and think about who
- 00:08:37you are and your identity and what
- 00:08:38really matters and this is not gonna be
- 00:08:40easy okay this is gonna be challenging
- 00:08:43for you if you are a thirty this is
- 00:08:44gonna be challenging or if you love
- 00:08:46somebody this two three you know have
- 00:08:48some compassion and some grace on them
- 00:08:50and you know don't just say I know
- 00:08:53what's going on here you're working to
- 00:08:55polish up your image but you don't even
- 00:08:56know who you are you don't even know
- 00:08:58your identity be compassionate because
- 00:09:00this is very sensitive threes this is
- 00:09:03very hard for you to to get beneath that
- 00:09:06surface to get beneath that curtain and
- 00:09:08see what's really lying beneath this can
- 00:09:11be a really challenging discussion for
- 00:09:14you so threes but it's important because
- 00:09:17you don't want to get to the end of your
- 00:09:18life and have accomplished a big pile of
- 00:09:20stuff that you don't even care about and
- 00:09:23that's really the problem for a three
- 00:09:25they can become over focused you know so
- 00:09:29focused on seeking recognition for all
- 00:09:32that they're accomplishing they want to
- 00:09:33be the best at whatever they're doing
- 00:09:36that's a lot of pressure I mean just
- 00:09:40stop right there for a second that's a
- 00:09:41lot of pressure to be the best at
- 00:09:45whatever it is you're doing you if you
- 00:09:50if that's your if that's your goal right
- 00:09:51now to be the best whatever it is
- 00:09:57whether it's your golf game or whether
- 00:09:58it's your you know your sales at the car
- 00:10:01lot where you'll work or the you know if
- 00:10:05you're an athlete in your in your
- 00:10:09racquetball game or whatever it is or
- 00:10:11weightlifting it to be the best how do
- 00:10:15you know when will you determine that
- 00:10:18you're the best and doesn't being the
- 00:10:20best involve beating everybody else so
- 00:10:24your goal then is to beat everybody else
- 00:10:27can you see that that if that's your
- 00:10:30goal that there might be some
- 00:10:32competition there there's gonna be hurt
- 00:10:34feelings on the other side and are you
- 00:10:36prepared I mean on the one hand you want
- 00:10:39to be charming and be likeable and be
- 00:10:42agreeable to people and be adaptable but
- 00:10:45on the other hand
- 00:10:46you want to beat everybody else and
- 00:10:49stand out away from the group as
- 00:10:51exceptional do you see that maybe
- 00:10:54sometimes that these two goals are in
- 00:10:56conflict with each other that that you
- 00:10:59can raise up tension in the in the
- 00:11:01places where you work or with the people
- 00:11:04that you interact with that that this
- 00:11:07desire of both being liked and being
- 00:11:09exceptional these forces can work
- 00:11:12against themselves and you may wonder
- 00:11:14why people turn against you you may
- 00:11:15wonder why people have it in for you
- 00:11:18when you're just trying to be your best
- 00:11:20you're just trying to accomplish so much
- 00:11:22you're just trying to be a good example
- 00:11:23and you wonder why people then turn
- 00:11:25against you because they don't people
- 00:11:27don't want to be beaten people don't
- 00:11:29want to to lose competitions and you've
- 00:11:34carried all of this you put all this
- 00:11:36burden on your shoulder that it's not
- 00:11:38enough to compete it's not enough to
- 00:11:41perform it's not enough to do a good job
- 00:11:44it's not enough to go home at the end of
- 00:11:46the night and say you know I did my job
- 00:11:49I I got all the you know paperwork done
- 00:11:52I moved it from this side to that side
- 00:11:53and I can feel you know good that I
- 00:11:55accomplished what I needed to accomplish
- 00:11:56and now I can rest no you can't because
- 00:11:59you got to be the best you get you're
- 00:12:02driven to accomplish more than anybody
- 00:12:05else and to be the example that's a huge
- 00:12:08burden for you to bear and you might
- 00:12:10want to think before you you put that
- 00:12:12burden on yourself can I live can my
- 00:12:15family live will I have time for a
- 00:12:18family if I adopt such a heavy burden so
- 00:12:23threes often are constantly comparing
- 00:12:25themselves with others how are they
- 00:12:26doing you know where are they at in the
- 00:12:28race you can sort of looking behind you
- 00:12:30to see you know is anybody catching up
- 00:12:32to me and do I need to put in more
- 00:12:33effort do it and you put in more because
- 00:12:34I've got it I got to be exceptional and
- 00:12:36I've got to set myself apart from the
- 00:12:37group so I got to know where the group
- 00:12:39is very image conscious how they're
- 00:12:44perceived by others they are focused on
- 00:12:46on portraying a admiring image now where
- 00:12:53to get themselves into trouble you know
- 00:12:55they they focus on what do you need
- 00:12:58and if I take care of your needs then
- 00:13:01I'll draw you in and then I'll feel
- 00:13:04loved by you because you'll want to be
- 00:13:06around me because I'm here for you
- 00:13:09two two threes work up all that same
- 00:13:12energy but they don't externalize it
- 00:13:15like a - does a - will external eyes it
- 00:13:18and say I'm here to take care of you and
- 00:13:19and that draws us in because we want to
- 00:13:23be taken care of we want to be paid
- 00:13:25attention to and flattered and made to
- 00:13:27feel important threes what they do is
- 00:13:28they focus all that energy on themselves
- 00:13:30on making their image more admirably so
- 00:13:34they're polishing up the externals
- 00:13:37they're polishing up the exterior to
- 00:13:39make themselves more desirable and more
- 00:13:41attractive not just physically
- 00:13:43attractive but a more winsome person a
- 00:13:46more accomplished person and so kind of
- 00:13:49the the thinking that that lies beneath
- 00:13:52their surface is if they polish up their
- 00:13:54surface you'll be drawn to them and
- 00:13:57you'll you will want to be around them
- 00:13:59now they'll make themselves more
- 00:14:03desirable a gaining your admiration your
- 00:14:06attention and your love but here's the
- 00:14:08thing admiration from others is not the
- 00:14:11same thing as being loved by others I
- 00:14:14just stop and think about that for a
- 00:14:16minute
- 00:14:16you know am I really just wanting the
- 00:14:20admiration of others or do I really want
- 00:14:24to love and be loved by others it's not
- 00:14:26the same thing and you know sometimes I
- 00:14:29think in threes Minds it becomes the
- 00:14:31same thing like they become content with
- 00:14:33just being like a - becomes content with
- 00:14:35being needed by others a 3 becomes
- 00:14:38content with being admired by others but
- 00:14:41being admired by others do you want your
- 00:14:43kids to just admire you or do you want
- 00:14:45them to love you how can they love you
- 00:14:47if they don't know you and they don't
- 00:14:48know you because you may not know
- 00:14:51yourself all you know is the external
- 00:14:54image that you're presenting life is a
- 00:14:56continual presentation of yourself but
- 00:14:59not but nobody really knows you because
- 00:15:01you don't really know you because you
- 00:15:02don't know what your goals in life are
- 00:15:04and what your priorities are you just
- 00:15:06know that in order to win you've got to
- 00:15:09accomplish this you know whatever it is
- 00:15:12-
- 00:15:12but you may not you may not know what
- 00:15:16you really want in life and so you may
- 00:15:18not be present and this is how threes
- 00:15:20fail to be present in life is you're not
- 00:15:23really showing up an image of you is
- 00:15:25showing up an image that is more
- 00:15:27desirable more likeable more winsome
- 00:15:29more attractive more accomplished
- 00:15:31that's what's showing up but nobody
- 00:15:34really knows you so life is like a
- 00:15:38continual job interview for a three
- 00:15:41they're always putting their best foot
- 00:15:43forward
- 00:15:44they're always polishing up their resume
- 00:15:46and this is why the sin of a three I
- 00:15:49don't know if I said four right there
- 00:15:50I'm at three the sin of a three is
- 00:15:52deceit now what does that mean well not
- 00:15:57only make threes sometimes leave out
- 00:15:59details of their mistakes and failures
- 00:16:03because it doesn't promote their image
- 00:16:05but threes actually start to begin to
- 00:16:07believe that their image that they are
- 00:16:10presenting is actually themselves in
- 00:16:14other words I'm so successful at work
- 00:16:16I'm so successful you know in my
- 00:16:20appearance are so successful in my
- 00:16:22accomplishments that I am then
- 00:16:24successful but you may be a miserable
- 00:16:27failure at life you know but but this
- 00:16:30one area of your life that you focused
- 00:16:32on work or this one area of your life
- 00:16:33you focused on your your your beauty or
- 00:16:37this area you focused on you know as an
- 00:16:41athlete you start to believe your own
- 00:16:43press that the clothes really do make
- 00:16:45the man but it's just clothes that's not
- 00:16:49you but c3 Slyke twos and fours are in
- 00:16:55that shame quadrant of the of the
- 00:16:59Enneagram now in the Garden of Eden
- 00:17:01there's no shame it says Batman and
- 00:17:05woman walked around naked and felt no
- 00:17:06shame but now we live in a world with
- 00:17:09shame anger and the top shame on this
- 00:17:12side and fear on on five sixes and
- 00:17:15sevens but shame for a three is
- 00:17:20something they're running away from is
- 00:17:22something you are running away from you
- 00:17:24may never have thought about it like
- 00:17:25that
- 00:17:25before because threes they're always
- 00:17:27thinking about what they're running
- 00:17:28toward they're running toward a goal
- 00:17:30they're running toward accomplishment
- 00:17:32they're running towards success toward a
- 00:17:35six-figure income toward a beautiful
- 00:17:37appearance they're running toward you
- 00:17:40know whatever is gonna make them
- 00:17:41prestigious and outstanding but stop and
- 00:17:45think for a second you're not just
- 00:17:46running towards something you're running
- 00:17:48away from something
- 00:17:49okay and what is it that twos threes and
- 00:17:51fours are running away from shame in
- 00:17:55other words a two starts to think you
- 00:17:58know maybe I'm not valuable maybe I'm
- 00:18:01not worthy maybe I'm not intrinsically
- 00:18:04worthy of being loved well if I if I
- 00:18:07serve a role of meeting everybody's
- 00:18:09needs and giving so much care and
- 00:18:11attention to everybody then surely
- 00:18:13unloved surely I'm needed surely I'm
- 00:18:16important now but it's that sense of
- 00:18:19shame that drives them toward that
- 00:18:21service okay so think about a for for
- 00:18:24example the the individualist next video
- 00:18:26that I do will be about a four the four
- 00:18:29says well shame is something that
- 00:18:32everybody experiences and I'm not like
- 00:18:35everybody I'm different than everybody
- 00:18:37else so maybe I don't need to be ashamed
- 00:18:41because I'm different and so I'm
- 00:18:44exceptional in that I'm unique and I
- 00:18:48don't fit in with everybody else I'm not
- 00:18:50like everybody else and so I don't have
- 00:18:54the same shame that everybody else has
- 00:18:56okay so that's the shenanigan there of
- 00:18:58the four well here's the shenanigan of
- 00:18:59the three in by shenanigan i mean this
- 00:19:01is the crazy stuff we start to believe
- 00:19:04about ourselves the three says since
- 00:19:07I've accomplished so much since I have
- 00:19:09so many citations and awards and
- 00:19:11diplomas and prestigious offices and
- 00:19:15such beautiful appearance and won so
- 00:19:19many trophies well then I don't have
- 00:19:21anything to be ashamed of because I've
- 00:19:23accomplished so much so I don't I don't
- 00:19:26need to be ashamed I'm valuable I'm
- 00:19:27worthy of your respect I'm worthy of
- 00:19:30your admiration I'm worthy of your
- 00:19:31attention because look at all that I
- 00:19:33look at all that I have accomplished
- 00:19:36yet you never really think you know did
- 00:19:39I did I really want all these
- 00:19:40accomplishments don't even care about
- 00:19:42these accomplishments and and why just
- 00:19:45in this area of my life I mean in other
- 00:19:47words why did I accomplish all of this
- 00:19:49in terms of being an athlete but what
- 00:19:52did I do as a parent was that an
- 00:19:54exceptional parent was I onyx maybe I
- 00:19:57accomplished so much at work you know
- 00:19:59look at all this I accomplished at work
- 00:20:01look at all this I moved up through the
- 00:20:02ladder yeah because you were driven
- 00:20:04because you're running away from your
- 00:20:06sense of self worthlessness so what you
- 00:20:09look at is a strength I'm so driven I'm
- 00:20:12so focused I'm so accomplished I have
- 00:20:14such a hunger to accomplish so much is
- 00:20:18actually according to the India gram and
- 00:20:22according to the Bible is actually your
- 00:20:26desire to do nothing more than Adam and
- 00:20:28Eve did when they cover themselves with
- 00:20:30fig leaves
- 00:20:31it's your fig leaves you don't need to
- 00:20:34be ashamed because look at all you've
- 00:20:36accomplished look at all you've look how
- 00:20:38it admirable you are yet the reality is
- 00:20:41you're broken just like everybody else
- 00:20:43you know you're in inner core is wounded
- 00:20:50and broken just like everybody else's no
- 00:20:52matter how good you look on the outside
- 00:20:55no matter how polished you are on the
- 00:20:58outside so you know there's an old
- 00:21:03saying threes
- 00:21:05if I'm not cheating then I don't really
- 00:21:08care and so I don't know if that's
- 00:21:10appropriate or true of a three you'll
- 00:21:12have to judge your own experience but
- 00:21:14you know threes as long as I'm winning
- 00:21:16everything is okay that's kind of the
- 00:21:17idea of the way threes think you know
- 00:21:19the one as long as I'm doing what's
- 00:21:21right everything is okay you know I do
- 00:21:25my best and of course the one never
- 00:21:27feels like they got they got it right
- 00:21:30but a three you know it says as long as
- 00:21:33I'm winning everything is okay and if
- 00:21:35I'm not cheating then I must not care
- 00:21:36about it because a three remember the
- 00:21:39sin is deceit and so they may you may
- 00:21:42feel that compulsion in you or that
- 00:21:44impulse to deceive in order to to
- 00:21:47advance in order to get ahead
- 00:21:50so threes if they're not careful can
- 00:21:53lose touch with their own heart and that
- 00:21:56successful veneer just covers a shell of
- 00:22:00is just a shell that covers their
- 00:22:02emptiness and if you're a three right
- 00:22:06now this is probably stinging a little
- 00:22:08bit this is probably you know scratching
- 00:22:12a little bit cuz we're getting beneath
- 00:22:13the surface this stuff maybe you've
- 00:22:15never thought about before you just knew
- 00:22:17you were driven to succeed you just knew
- 00:22:19you were driven to win you just knew you
- 00:22:21were driven to make an accomplishment
- 00:22:22but maybe never thought about where this
- 00:22:24driven this is coming from you know
- 00:22:28essentially you're asking yourself what
- 00:22:30makes me worthy of love and you're
- 00:22:36answering that question by trying to
- 00:22:38accomplish a lot but you know does that
- 00:22:41really work when you think about other
- 00:22:42people is that why you love let's say is
- 00:22:46that why you love your own mother
- 00:22:47because of all that she accomplished at
- 00:22:50work
- 00:22:50or because she was a successful athlete
- 00:22:53or because she could benchpress 250 you
- 00:22:57know is that why you loved your
- 00:22:58grandmother because of what she
- 00:23:00accomplished in her life because she was
- 00:23:01the head secretary at IBM is that why
- 00:23:04you loved your grandmother no I would
- 00:23:08dare say that that you never have loved
- 00:23:10anybody because of what they've
- 00:23:12accomplished and yet look how driven you
- 00:23:15are to accomplish so much that really
- 00:23:17doesn't at the end of the day matter not
- 00:23:22in terms of relationships with people
- 00:23:25not in terms of being genuine being real
- 00:23:28and authentic with yourself that's
- 00:23:30something you could learn from the four
- 00:23:31on the inia gram right next to you you
- 00:23:33could lean a little on that wing that
- 00:23:35four wing and say you know maybe I need
- 00:23:38to be real what would real look like for
- 00:23:42me what are my real motives what do I
- 00:23:44really care about and if you leaned a
- 00:23:47little bit on that too and said you know
- 00:23:48it's not just about me but I should be
- 00:23:51here to help other people I should use
- 00:23:53whatever I've learned and whatever
- 00:23:55promotions I've got to be of use to
- 00:23:57serving other people all right so it's
- 00:24:01kind of like threes you know prepare
- 00:24:03we holding up that sign mommy daddy look
- 00:24:04at me mommy daddy look at me look at
- 00:24:07what they kind of never got out of that
- 00:24:08you know whatever that is that middle
- 00:24:12school age you know where look at me I'm
- 00:24:13gonna dive off the diving board mommy
- 00:24:15look at me look at me I'm riding my bike
- 00:24:17daddy look at me and it's kind of like
- 00:24:20they're going through life holding a
- 00:24:21sign look at me
- 00:24:23and what they're really asking for is a
- 00:24:26my valuable do I matter does anybody
- 00:24:29love me does anybody notice me does
- 00:24:31anybody care about me and I'm telling
- 00:24:34you if you've never thought about this
- 00:24:35this is powerful powerful stuff that is
- 00:24:38life-changing for you if you'll embrace
- 00:24:40this it will change your life
- 00:24:42because you'll get centered again and
- 00:24:44you'll start to say what do I care about
- 00:24:46what am I on earth to accomplish not
- 00:24:48what could I accomplish because we all
- 00:24:51know you could accomplish the world but
- 00:24:55what do you want to accomplish what are
- 00:24:57you called to accomplish and what is
- 00:24:59important to you in other words don't
- 00:25:02get to the top of the wall without ever
- 00:25:05asking yourself do I even care about any
- 00:25:07of this find out what it is you care
- 00:25:10about and then be a healthy three and
- 00:25:14use that driven ascend that passion to
- 00:25:16accomplish something that matters that
- 00:25:18something is valuable something that is
- 00:25:20essentially you all right so not only
- 00:25:25are threes holding up a sign that says
- 00:25:27you know look at me do I matter but in
- 00:25:30another way you might say the one thing
- 00:25:32that a three will not ever be is a
- 00:25:35nobody I won't be a nobody that is like
- 00:25:41the big fear so maybe they'll buy a big
- 00:25:43house they can't afford in a prestigious
- 00:25:46neighborhood or an exotic car that
- 00:25:49stands out away from the group go for a
- 00:25:53glamorous career you know something
- 00:25:56important or significant you know and
- 00:26:00rather than going into being a doctor
- 00:26:02because they care about people I'm gonna
- 00:26:05be a doctor because it pays so well and
- 00:26:08I stand out it's a prestigious career I
- 00:26:11get to wear you know
- 00:26:13a white coat and have a beautiful car
- 00:26:17but that at the end of the day think
- 00:26:19about that do you want your doctor who
- 00:26:23is in charge of helping you overcome
- 00:26:25cancer do you want that doctor to be it
- 00:26:30the reason he's a doctor she's a doctor
- 00:26:32is because they want to stand out and be
- 00:26:34successful no you want a doctor that
- 00:26:39cares about you cares about people cares
- 00:26:42about healing cares about making people
- 00:26:45healthy and there's nothing wrong with
- 00:26:49being driven and having these goals and
- 00:26:51all that but check those and say is that
- 00:26:55what's driving me into medicine because
- 00:26:58that's not a reason to be drawn into
- 00:27:01medicine to stand out and be successful
- 00:27:04yourself or politicians think about that
- 00:27:07do you want a mayor whose primary
- 00:27:09objective in life is to better himself
- 00:27:13better her career so they've got this
- 00:27:16position of public service so they can
- 00:27:18stand out and be admired is that the
- 00:27:22qualification for being a good no you
- 00:27:23want somebody that's gonna be a mayor
- 00:27:25who cares about the city that they that
- 00:27:27they are in charge of that's what you
- 00:27:30want in a mayor you want a politician
- 00:27:32that cares about the community they're
- 00:27:34serving not that they stand out that
- 00:27:37they get advanced in their career okay
- 00:27:41so many top-notch athletes or threes
- 00:27:44because they're concerned about setting
- 00:27:46records and being the best and how
- 00:27:48everybody else is doing and beaten that
- 00:27:52threes want to be successful but maybe
- 00:27:55for different reasons than some of the
- 00:27:56other types on the Enneagram sevens want
- 00:27:58to be successful make a lot of money
- 00:28:00because of all the freedom it brings boy
- 00:28:01if I could you know have a million
- 00:28:03dollars well think of all the fun
- 00:28:04adventures I could go on you know that'd
- 00:28:06be thrilling I could go to Mount
- 00:28:07Rushmore on Tuesday in the Grand Canyon
- 00:28:09on Wednesday and Pikes Peak on Thursday
- 00:28:12and we could just adventure adventure
- 00:28:13all the fun you know we could ride jet
- 00:28:15skis we could buy horses we could we
- 00:28:17could go hang gliding we could tour
- 00:28:18Europe that's what sevens think about
- 00:28:20wealth is it's like a ticket to whatever
- 00:28:22experiences that are going to bring
- 00:28:26you know that sense of of wholeness but
- 00:28:30eight they may seek success and wealth
- 00:28:34because then I won't have to depend on
- 00:28:36anybody see then everybody can stay out
- 00:28:38of my business and I won't need anybody
- 00:28:41I want to work for the man I won't have
- 00:28:42to you know answer to anybody and I can
- 00:28:44just do what I want but threes are
- 00:28:47driven towards success and financial
- 00:28:50independence and all those things
- 00:28:51because it's a trophy because they don't
- 00:28:58want to disappear into a chasm of
- 00:29:00emptiness who am i if I'm not successful
- 00:29:03see then that cloud of shame will catch
- 00:29:06up to me and I'll have to own it and say
- 00:29:09you know maybe I'm not a perfect person
- 00:29:11maybe I've got failures and so that
- 00:29:16driven us to the three fields towards
- 00:29:18success is it's like a pin that they can
- 00:29:22wear and say I don't need anything I
- 00:29:24need to be ashamed of anything look at
- 00:29:25me look at all I've accomplished you
- 00:29:27should admire me without measurable
- 00:29:30signs of success and increased attention
- 00:29:33from others and feelings of
- 00:29:34accomplishment they're afraid that
- 00:29:37you're afraid if you're a3 that you're
- 00:29:39going to be a nobody well who will I be
- 00:29:41then see in other words you don't know
- 00:29:43who you are you don't know your core so
- 00:29:48you want to be perceived as somebody
- 00:29:49important somebody influential somebody
- 00:29:51makes a lot of money somebody that's
- 00:29:52successful the basic fear of a3 is being
- 00:29:55worthless
- 00:29:56I just let that sink in for a minute
- 00:29:59what is it that's driving all this
- 00:30:01madness is I'm afraid I'm worthless well
- 00:30:04are you worthless no you were created by
- 00:30:10a designer and you have inherent value
- 00:30:13and worth just because you exist
- 00:30:15[Music]
- 00:30:16everything you accomplish doesn't make
- 00:30:18you valuable doesn't make you worthwhile
- 00:30:23you are already valuable and worthwhile
- 00:30:26think about it like this when you were
- 00:30:27baby if you have a baby what did that
- 00:30:31baby ever accomplished and yet all of
- 00:30:33your love as
- 00:30:34a parent immediately just falls on that
- 00:30:38baby just because they exist just
- 00:30:40because they are they don't accomplish
- 00:30:42anything they haven't set themselves
- 00:30:43apart in any way except that they have a
- 00:30:46stinky diaper and that they cry and yet
- 00:30:49you love and are attracted and drawn to
- 00:30:52that little baby their innocence their
- 00:30:54purity all right so the basic fears of
- 00:30:59being worthless is that I'm without
- 00:31:01value apart from all my accomplishments
- 00:31:03so that drives you to accomplish the
- 00:31:06basic desire of a three is to feel
- 00:31:09worthwhile is to feel acceptable is to
- 00:31:13feel desirable the basic message that
- 00:31:16you tell yourself as a three is I am
- 00:31:18good or I am okay as long as I am
- 00:31:22successful and everybody likes me and
- 00:31:25everybody thinks well of me and
- 00:31:26everybody admires me some famous threes
- 00:31:30in our culture or Tony Robbins you know
- 00:31:32the motivational speaker Tom Cruise
- 00:31:36Christopher Reeves Tiger Woods Vanessa
- 00:31:39Williams Michael Jordan Cindy Crawford
- 00:31:41Burt Reynolds Rob Lowe you can see all
- 00:31:44these people I mean they're all
- 00:31:45attractive they're all you know winsome
- 00:31:47personalities Raquel Welch William
- 00:31:50Shatner I think mr. Drysdale off the
- 00:31:53Beverly Hillbillies is a good example of
- 00:31:55the deceitfulness of a three willing to
- 00:31:57do whatever it takes you know say
- 00:31:59whatever needs to be said in order to be
- 00:32:00a success as a banker Draco Malfoy and
- 00:32:03Harry Potter Gaston on Beauty and the
- 00:32:05Beast the three wing two is known as the
- 00:32:09charmer they're outgoing and friendly
- 00:32:11and helpful they want to be loved and
- 00:32:14close to people they they dazzle people
- 00:32:16with their winsomeness the 3/4 is the
- 00:32:19professional their success comes for
- 00:32:23their their value comes from their sense
- 00:32:25of success and what they're doing in
- 00:32:26their work they may look like a type-1
- 00:32:28in that they have a strong work ethic
- 00:32:31but it may not be because they're doing
- 00:32:32it you know because we got to get these
- 00:32:34tasks done I got to be a good person but
- 00:32:36they're doing their work in an
- 00:32:37impressive way to be valuable
- 00:32:42and as a sense of value of gaining their
- 00:32:45value threes fear failure and
- 00:32:47humiliation I'm a seven and I'm an
- 00:32:50assertive type too one of the
- 00:32:52differences between threes and sevens is
- 00:32:53sevens want to raise the energy we're
- 00:32:56running away from fear and so we want to
- 00:32:58raise the energy raise the mood and
- 00:33:00we're willing to let ourselves look
- 00:33:01stupid people like Robin Williams like
- 00:33:03Jim Carrey think of those as threes
- 00:33:06Jimmy Fallon they're willing to make
- 00:33:08themselves look foolish in order to
- 00:33:10accomplish that goal then everything is
- 00:33:12okay I don't have anything to be afraid
- 00:33:13of because we're all laughing okay
- 00:33:14that's kind of the idea three sevens or
- 00:33:16living by threes have a hard much harder
- 00:33:20time looking foolish at the end of the
- 00:33:22day you don't want to look foolish as in
- 00:33:23three and so it can that can be a
- 00:33:28distinction between threes and sevens is
- 00:33:30both may be highly energetic but threes
- 00:33:33have a hard time letting themselves look
- 00:33:35foolish let's see what else we want to
- 00:33:39say threes want to project a winning
- 00:33:41image say the right thing be likeable
- 00:33:45here's the thing though in private they
- 00:33:48may they may be a completely different
- 00:33:49person in other words their house may be
- 00:33:53a beautiful home on the outside people
- 00:33:55drive by it is impressive
- 00:33:57everything's manicured looks great walk
- 00:33:59in there very impressive big oversized
- 00:34:01pictures oversized furniture
- 00:34:03everything's big beautiful right but
- 00:34:06then their bedrooms a mess or their
- 00:34:08closet is a mess or their personal
- 00:34:10bathroom is a mess and now wait a minute
- 00:34:12now hold on here see what what's the
- 00:34:15problem why is it so externally
- 00:34:19attractive but internally look it's a
- 00:34:23metaphor for what's going on in your
- 00:34:24life and on the outside everything looks
- 00:34:29very put together and very presentable
- 00:34:31but what's going on in the inside of
- 00:34:33your life see that's the part of your
- 00:34:35life maybe you're not in touch with is
- 00:34:37that core that identity of who are you
- 00:34:41and what what are you and what do you
- 00:34:42care about where's your sense of value
- 00:34:44and self-worth calm so you may have this
- 00:34:46beautiful home you live on the exterior
- 00:34:48but your bedroom is a mess you don't
- 00:34:50make your own bed but well I think see
- 00:34:51here's the thing nobody sees that
- 00:34:55so why does it matter nobody sees it but
- 00:34:59see that's just the point is everything
- 00:35:02if everything in your life is done for
- 00:35:03what people see who are you as a person
- 00:35:09and so maybe some time and attention
- 00:35:11needs to be given to the interior of
- 00:35:14your life which is what you're doing
- 00:35:17right now by watching this video and I'm
- 00:35:19proud of you I'm proud of you okay so
- 00:35:22your locker you know your desk may look
- 00:35:24a mess because it's your space and see
- 00:35:27you got this in your mind that well
- 00:35:29these other spaces are what people see
- 00:35:31about me and that's what really matters
- 00:35:34the image so you spend your life
- 00:35:37polishing up an image but never giving a
- 00:35:39moment to really think about the core
- 00:35:41there's something wrong with that okay
- 00:35:44focused on the persona the character you
- 00:35:48know the character you play the role you
- 00:35:50play rather than real soul development
- 00:35:55you're afraid people will see your
- 00:35:56deficits so you give yourself pep talks
- 00:35:58you give yourself pep talks you pep
- 00:36:00yourself up you know keep a positive
- 00:36:02image in the forefront at all times you
- 00:36:05want to manage everybody's impression of
- 00:36:07you you're looking for a winning formula
- 00:36:09do whatever it takes you set goals the
- 00:36:11problem is is people don't know who they
- 00:36:13are a part know who you are apart from
- 00:36:15the image that you project others in
- 00:36:17becoming the office hero or the diligent
- 00:36:20employee or the superstar here's the
- 00:36:22thing your heart is pushed aside and
- 00:36:24forgotten and that's how threes
- 00:36:27essentially get lost so you focus on
- 00:36:30becoming the outstanding athlete or the
- 00:36:32over you know accomplished job performer
- 00:36:36or the money maker or the the giver of
- 00:36:39chert the giver to charity and so this
- 00:36:40is what's all over your facebook it's
- 00:36:42all over your social media is look at me
- 00:36:44look what I'm doing look what I've
- 00:36:45accomplished look at what I look at what
- 00:36:47I finished look at this you know I won
- 00:36:50look at this trophy look at this poor
- 00:36:52person that I helped it's all public
- 00:36:55images all you know PR
- 00:37:02I'm a high-performing parent you know
- 00:37:04and so you you always projecting this
- 00:37:06image you're always careful about how
- 00:37:07you're coming across to people you're
- 00:37:10the ideal person in this category of
- 00:37:12life but when you look inward what do
- 00:37:14you feel emptiness there's a black hole
- 00:37:20there and you know it there's a black
- 00:37:23hole there when you look inward and so
- 00:37:27in a sense you're like always wearing
- 00:37:28you know what to pay a rug on the top of
- 00:37:31your head Hey look I got here look I got
- 00:37:33here look at this but is it real is this
- 00:37:37really what you care about is this
- 00:37:38really what you're passionate about you
- 00:37:41know when you look inward you may you
- 00:37:44may sense a certain emptiness so threes
- 00:37:51often keep people at a safe distance
- 00:37:54they kind of keep people at arm's length
- 00:37:56away from them because if they ever got
- 00:37:59to know me if they ever knew my closet
- 00:38:03was a wreck if they ever knew how I
- 00:38:04really talk and what I really think and
- 00:38:06how I really behave see see keep people
- 00:38:09at a distance you keep people at an
- 00:38:10arm's length because if they ever got in
- 00:38:12beneath that surface and found out who
- 00:38:14you really are
- 00:38:16well then they might reject me and being
- 00:38:19rejected is the thing that threes can't
- 00:38:22handle because if I'm rejected then I'm
- 00:38:26not a person of value and I'm not a
- 00:38:28person of worth and that's all your life
- 00:38:31is trying to accomplish is I'm a person
- 00:38:33of value I'm a person of worth look at
- 00:38:35everything that I've accomplished so
- 00:38:38it's self protective behavior but true
- 00:38:41intimacy with people is what is being
- 00:38:43real with people being genuine with
- 00:38:46people letting them know what you think
- 00:38:48letting them know how you feel and then
- 00:38:49sharing and and and then at least if
- 00:38:53they reject you at least they knew you
- 00:38:55real intimacy can't happen if people
- 00:38:58don't know who you are
- 00:39:02here's the thing though as a three you
- 00:39:04may not care because you may actually
- 00:39:08want the image of a successful
- 00:39:12relationship
- 00:39:14more than you care about the substance
- 00:39:15of a real relationship in other words I
- 00:39:21would rather project that my wife and I
- 00:39:23are some you know magic couple Oh
- 00:39:26everybody thinks wow they're just he
- 00:39:28just loves his wife so much they're just
- 00:39:30such a wonderful couple they're just an
- 00:39:31outstanding role model to everybody and
- 00:39:33so it may be more important to you to
- 00:39:36project this image of a loving couple
- 00:39:38then actually having the substance of a
- 00:39:41real being a real loving couple you
- 00:39:43don't want to necessarily put the time
- 00:39:44and the investment in the energy and to
- 00:39:46really care about this person and to
- 00:39:48really love this person and to really
- 00:39:49know this person because that's not
- 00:39:51what's really important to you at the
- 00:39:52end of the day it's projecting an image
- 00:39:54that we're a loving couple hello and so
- 00:40:02you may not even care about what your
- 00:40:03company makes you may not even use the
- 00:40:06product or care about it at all what
- 00:40:11you're interested in is becoming you
- 00:40:12know the top level manager at Toyota and
- 00:40:14you go home and you drive a Honda
- 00:40:17because you don't even care about the
- 00:40:18product itself the substance doesn't
- 00:40:21matter to you it's it's the perceived
- 00:40:23image okay whew
- 00:40:26so what are feelings like two or three
- 00:40:29when they start to feel this emptiness
- 00:40:31they start to feel this feelings for
- 00:40:36threes are like speed bumps you get over
- 00:40:39them they slow you down so I don't feel
- 00:40:41stuff but feelings go to your fore wing
- 00:40:44feelings are important to serve as
- 00:40:48indications as to what's going on inside
- 00:40:49you and what you care about in your
- 00:40:52identity so maybe you could lean a
- 00:40:55little bit on that four wing and say you
- 00:40:57know maybe feelings because fours are
- 00:40:59consumed with their feelings to the
- 00:41:01point that it can become an unhealthy so
- 00:41:05feelings maybe are more than just things
- 00:41:07that slow you down maybe you should stop
- 00:41:09and look out over horizon for a moment
- 00:41:11go stayin at the beach or go stand at
- 00:41:13the mountains or go stand in the forest
- 00:41:15or lay down look up at the clouds and
- 00:41:16say what do I feel you know that'd be a
- 00:41:20helpful experience just to get some
- 00:41:22solitude and some silence and some
- 00:41:23stillness
- 00:41:24that's what the old you know religious
- 00:41:27people used to call contemplative I need
- 00:41:31to contemplate my life for a moment and
- 00:41:33think about what's really important to
- 00:41:35me and say why am I here on earth what
- 00:41:38am I here to accomplish you know what do
- 00:41:41i what am i passionate about what's
- 00:41:43what's the Lord put in my heart you know
- 00:41:46and who are these people that are around
- 00:41:47me and do do I know them and do they
- 00:41:49really know me
- 00:41:50see this is contemplative stuff but this
- 00:41:54is just speed bumps for you cuz you're
- 00:41:56you're going somewhere you're getting
- 00:41:58something done and I don't have time to
- 00:42:00sit and wonder well you know how I feel
- 00:42:03about things
- 00:42:07when assertive threes get unhealthy they
- 00:42:11become like withdrawn nines in other
- 00:42:15words when you feel like you can't win
- 00:42:16you feel like you can't get ahead and
- 00:42:18you feel like the stack the cards are
- 00:42:19stacked against you and you you but you
- 00:42:24start to slow down and maybe even stop
- 00:42:27and you just hibernate you just go dealt
- 00:42:31or dormant you just die on the outside
- 00:42:33you just say what's the point what do I
- 00:42:35even care I don't even care and threes
- 00:42:38who were driven to success when they get
- 00:42:40overwhelmed or insecure or frustrated
- 00:42:42with life you may just see them stop and
- 00:42:44shut down and maybe even abuse
- 00:42:48painkillers or substances become
- 00:42:51increasingly passive and uninterested in
- 00:42:54their work and they just start going
- 00:42:55through the motions and in a way it kind
- 00:42:57of resembled nines who just go through
- 00:42:59routines without ever really being awake
- 00:43:01to life you may just kind of go to sleep
- 00:43:04to life and just have a lack of interest
- 00:43:07in anything or anyone else and even have
- 00:43:12a lack of interest in the image that
- 00:43:13you're projecting
- 00:43:14when assertive threes are healthy look
- 00:43:18at this they move over to a compliant
- 00:43:22six what are six care about six is care
- 00:43:25about what's everybody else doing how's
- 00:43:27everybody else doing it they don't want
- 00:43:29to stand out sixes don't want to stand
- 00:43:31out they want to fit in they want to
- 00:43:32blend in they want to be a part of the
- 00:43:33group they wouldn't find their safety
- 00:43:35and being a part of the team
- 00:43:37sixes want to be friendly so that
- 00:43:39everybody will you know before them and
- 00:43:42not against them sixes want to follow
- 00:43:43the rules so that they won't be in
- 00:43:46trouble sixes you know will stand up to
- 00:43:48whatever they're afraid of because they
- 00:43:51don't want to live in fear when threes
- 00:43:53become healthy and secure watch this
- 00:43:55they stopped caring about just
- 00:43:58themselves and they start caring about
- 00:44:00the group and they want everybody to
- 00:44:03succeed and they're saying how can we
- 00:44:05move everybody forward not just me and
- 00:44:07not just how do I stand out but how can
- 00:44:09we make the group successful that's a
- 00:44:12good thing for a three that's when
- 00:44:14you're healthy that's you up at the top
- 00:44:17of the mountain when you say you know
- 00:44:19it's not just about me accomplishing
- 00:44:21stuff it's not just about me staying and
- 00:44:22now it's not just about me getting an
- 00:44:23award it's about what am I doing for my
- 00:44:25family how am I making my family better
- 00:44:28how am I making my church better how am
- 00:44:30I making my community better how am I
- 00:44:31making this organization better what am
- 00:44:33i doing for Mary what am i doing for Rob
- 00:44:35what am i doing for Steve what am i
- 00:44:36doing for Jack it's not just are these
- 00:44:39people am i able to step on them to get
- 00:44:41ahead but can I move others with me
- 00:44:44that's when you know threes are getting
- 00:44:46healthy is when they start caring about
- 00:44:48the group awesome stuff as threes
- 00:44:55children this is the mezack message that
- 00:45:00resonated with you as a three when you
- 00:45:02were a child the message that resonated
- 00:45:05with you as a three was you are only
- 00:45:08loved or valued for what you can
- 00:45:11accomplish
- 00:45:13you're only loved and valued for what
- 00:45:16you can accomplish and for how charming
- 00:45:18you are that's it that's the message
- 00:45:22that you walked away with from childhood
- 00:45:24now I don't know whether people intended
- 00:45:26to communicate that to you or not but
- 00:45:27that's kind of what you heard as a child
- 00:45:31what you needed to hear well listen to
- 00:45:34this because you may still need to hear
- 00:45:36this today this is the message you
- 00:45:38needed to hear you are wonderful just
- 00:45:40the way you are you can stop you can
- 00:45:46stop all the running you can stop all
- 00:45:47the accomplishing you can stop all the
- 00:45:50achieving you can stop all the makeup
- 00:45:52and all the surgeries and all the
- 00:45:54enhancements you are wonderful just the
- 00:45:56way you are now here's the thing I said
- 00:45:58that and you heard it but you probably
- 00:46:00still don't believe it you're probably
- 00:46:05having a hard time believing now here's
- 00:46:08the thing
- 00:46:08think about that baby that you were
- 00:46:10holding were they wonderful just the way
- 00:46:13they were or were you only gonna love
- 00:46:16them if they accomplished something okay
- 00:46:20I think about that toddler in your life
- 00:46:23your nephew your niece or your child
- 00:46:28what do they need to accomplish in order
- 00:46:31for them to be wonderful nothing because
- 00:46:38you know they're wonderful just the way
- 00:46:39they are whether they accomplished
- 00:46:41anything or not just because they exist
- 00:46:43just because of who they are just
- 00:46:45because they walk in relationship with
- 00:46:47you you want to pick them up and hold
- 00:46:49them and cherish them whether they've
- 00:46:52accomplished anything or not even when
- 00:46:55they've been ugly even when they've been
- 00:46:56nasty even when they've been frustrated
- 00:46:58and tired and upset and cranky you know
- 00:47:01all of a sudden say well now you're not
- 00:47:03a person of value and now I don't care
- 00:47:05for you anymore
- 00:47:06no you know they're just they're tired
- 00:47:09and they're gonna get over it or they're
- 00:47:10going through a phase and they'll get
- 00:47:13out of that it there's never a question
- 00:47:15of value but this is a hard thing for
- 00:47:20you to realize about yourself because
- 00:47:23you're in the shame category is you are
- 00:47:27worthwhile and valuable just the way you
- 00:47:31are right now and I wish you could
- 00:47:35embrace this because it's the truth it's
- 00:47:38the truth of the universe okay
- 00:47:40that you are a person of value right now
- 00:47:43just because you exist you're not an
- 00:47:46accident you're not here by random
- 00:47:48chance you're here designed and created
- 00:47:54exactly as you are broken yes we don't
- 00:47:57live in the Garden of Eden you're broken
- 00:47:59you're falling yes marred
- 00:48:02stained yes but valuable and worthy and
- 00:48:05worthwhile here's what you needed to
- 00:48:08hear as a child you're pleasing to me
- 00:48:12just the way you are you're welcomed
- 00:48:15into this world welcomed into this world
- 00:48:20um let's see what else we want to say
- 00:48:23it's powerful stuff a key word for
- 00:48:28threes is adaptability I talked about
- 00:48:32this a little bit the beginning but you
- 00:48:35know threes are good about changing to
- 00:48:39fit and that's one of the reasons we
- 00:48:41like them so much is because they will
- 00:48:43adapt their themselves or at least
- 00:48:45appear to adapt themselves to fit in
- 00:48:47with whatever group they're in and to be
- 00:48:49who they need to be in order to succeed
- 00:48:51in order to be charming and in order to
- 00:48:53be liked okay but that comes with a dark
- 00:48:57side too as you can imagine you know
- 00:49:00because if you can adapt that easily
- 00:49:05into whatever situation you're in then
- 00:49:06what do you really value that's
- 00:49:10something to think about you know how
- 00:49:12can you how can you adapt into other
- 00:49:15groups so easily and if you have a
- 00:49:18strong central core as to who you are in
- 00:49:21other words think about the one for
- 00:49:23example there are some things they won't
- 00:49:25do alright they've made some decisions
- 00:49:27they're like you know I think about that
- 00:49:29song by Aaron Tippin I got it honest you
- 00:49:32know I got these sturdy values handed
- 00:49:34down from my mama and my daddy and I can
- 00:49:36sleep at night and there's things I
- 00:49:37won't do well you could benefit from
- 00:49:40that as a three is okay what are some
- 00:49:42things I won't do what are some things
- 00:49:44that I'll never do in this pursuit of
- 00:49:47getting ahead and create some
- 00:49:49convictions you might say are some
- 00:49:51boundaries that you won't cross the
- 00:49:53fundamental problem of a3 is you're
- 00:49:55detached from your own identity the
- 00:49:59fundamental problem is you're attached
- 00:50:00from your honor your source of value
- 00:50:01changes depending on your performance
- 00:50:03and the audience to which you're
- 00:50:04speaking to the audience of the moment
- 00:50:08so busy trying to achieve the prize that
- 00:50:10you never stop to ask do I even care
- 00:50:12about this prize or is this part
- 00:50:14important it's always about getting
- 00:50:15ahead it's always about accomplishing
- 00:50:16something more being successful at work
- 00:50:18is not the same thing as being
- 00:50:19successful think about that for a minute
- 00:50:24okay how do you define success not how
- 00:50:29does the culture define it not out of
- 00:50:30the self-help books to find it now how
- 00:50:32does your boss define it but you what do
- 00:50:34you want in life
- 00:50:35see this is hard stuff isn't it hard for
- 00:50:38you it's not hard for a for this is the
- 00:50:42way the four thinks this is why the four
- 00:50:43will go work for the Peace Corps because
- 00:50:45they want to do with something to value
- 00:50:48valuable to the world to themselves they
- 00:50:51want to be authentic to themselves but
- 00:50:54the three this is hard for you because
- 00:50:56you may not know what you care about you
- 00:50:58may not know what's a value to you okay
- 00:51:02you need to connect deeply with your own
- 00:51:04heart be present to yourself and present
- 00:51:09to others if you don't ever know your
- 00:51:14own heart you'll remain untouched by
- 00:51:16life by life and without knowing your
- 00:51:19heart you will be disconnected from
- 00:51:21others it will only lead to loneliness
- 00:51:23empty victories and emotional
- 00:51:26disconnection this is the CEO you know
- 00:51:27that cheating on his wife and drinking
- 00:51:30himself to sleep at night he's
- 00:51:32accomplished so much he's in charge of
- 00:51:33so much you know but his own life is a
- 00:51:36wreck because he was never really
- 00:51:38present so life is all external is all
- 00:51:41you know done for image the the road
- 00:51:50you're on if it's not changed is going
- 00:51:52to lead to loneliness is going to lead
- 00:51:54to empty victories and emotional
- 00:51:58disconnection so you gotta let other
- 00:51:59people in your life healing begins for
- 00:52:03you when you can start to say maybe I
- 00:52:05don't have to be the best man I'll tell
- 00:52:09you what is a seven that's something I
- 00:52:10just inherently understand you don't
- 00:52:12have to be the best you just do your
- 00:52:15best and then walk away from it and
- 00:52:17leave it you don't have to be the best
- 00:52:20just do your best that's a huge shift
- 00:52:23maybe others opinions of me aren't so
- 00:52:26important if you can learn to say you
- 00:52:30know well maybe other people they'll
- 00:52:34have their opinions and that's fine
- 00:52:36whatever and not everybody's gonna like
- 00:52:37me that's fine
- 00:52:38I'll just now I got my dog got my wife
- 00:52:42my kids my dog I go home at the end in
- 00:52:44the night and if those people love me
- 00:52:45I'm fine that would be very helpful for
- 00:52:50you steps toward wholeness and healing
- 00:52:52number one here's ten of them okay steps
- 00:52:55toward wholeness and healing number one
- 00:52:57remember that it is essential to be
- 00:53:00truthful and honest with yourself and
- 00:53:02others about your feelings and your
- 00:53:04needs recognize that sometimes you may
- 00:53:08begin to turn on the charm for others
- 00:53:11just recognize that you're doing it and
- 00:53:15then choose whether you really want to
- 00:53:17do that or not
- 00:53:18you will impress people more deeply if
- 00:53:20you're real with them okay it's a it's
- 00:53:24difficult to be real with people to be
- 00:53:26authentic with people rather than
- 00:53:28bragging about your successes and your
- 00:53:30accomplishments sweeping your shame
- 00:53:32under the carpet you know with how
- 00:53:34successful you are and what you've
- 00:53:35accomplished that doesn't necessarily
- 00:53:38always draw people to you sometimes it
- 00:53:40repels people from you and it can cause
- 00:53:42competitive spirit among other people
- 00:53:45with you you don't have to always just
- 00:53:47improve you know your external but be
- 00:53:52authentic and real with people that is a
- 00:53:54great accomplishment you want to
- 00:53:55accomplish something great be real with
- 00:53:56people start there share your needs your
- 00:53:59feelings your wants but you got to know
- 00:54:01what those are and to know what those
- 00:54:03are you may have to spend some time in
- 00:54:04contemplation okay number two learn to
- 00:54:08cooperate in your relationships not
- 00:54:10every relationship is competition
- 00:54:11they're cooperative okay so pause from
- 00:54:15your busy day to really connect with
- 00:54:17yourself and others there's nothing
- 00:54:19spectacular and you won't get a prize to
- 00:54:23just sit down with somebody and visit
- 00:54:25with them and just get to know them and
- 00:54:28just laugh with them but that's what
- 00:54:30life is all about it's all about
- 00:54:32relationships
- 00:54:34and getting to know people and sharing
- 00:54:35and caring about people do you won't get
- 00:54:37a prize for
- 00:54:38you won't get any kind of certificate
- 00:54:40for it you won't get an award or a medal
- 00:54:42are recognized
- 00:54:43nobody will wipe away your shame if you
- 00:54:47give if you take ten minutes and sit
- 00:54:49down and your neighbor's cubicle or your
- 00:54:51neighbor's office and just talk about
- 00:54:52the weekend
- 00:54:54there's nothing there's no advantage to
- 00:54:56be gained by that except you're being
- 00:54:58real with people which is what life is
- 00:55:00really all about
- 00:55:01so take the focus off of how you're
- 00:55:03coming across don't just continually
- 00:55:05think about well what does this person
- 00:55:06think about me how are they perceiving
- 00:55:07me take the focus off yourself don't
- 00:55:10feel the need to impress everybody focus
- 00:55:13your attention on them lean on your to
- 00:55:16wing there for a minute and focus your
- 00:55:19attention on them and what they need and
- 00:55:21hearing their story and being there for
- 00:55:23them without what does make them like me
- 00:55:26more just enjoy the interaction focus on
- 00:55:30connecting with others not with how am i
- 00:55:33coming across okay number three learn to
- 00:55:36take some breaks okay if you're driven
- 00:55:40you're going to accomplish all this
- 00:55:41stuff you're gonna need a rest okay
- 00:55:43don't take work home with you something
- 00:55:46you can learn from the nine when you're
- 00:55:47healthy you go to the nine the nine
- 00:55:49knows it's time to rest you know when
- 00:55:52you go home put aside all this driven
- 00:55:55as' if you can embrace the fact that
- 00:55:56you're a person of value and worthwhile
- 00:55:58no matter what you accomplish then you
- 00:56:00can go home and say I don't need to
- 00:56:01accomplish everything tonight I could
- 00:56:03just enjoy dinner with my family I could
- 00:56:08just go putt-putt golf with my kids and
- 00:56:11I can just enjoy it I don't have to run
- 00:56:14and chase success all the time maybe be
- 00:56:17a success at home okay or have a hobby
- 00:56:23and just let your mind relax for a while
- 00:56:27number four cooperate with others
- 00:56:33which I kind of said already in the
- 00:56:35second one but see your service as being
- 00:56:38a contribution to the team there we go
- 00:56:41not just I got to be the head of the
- 00:56:43team just this be on a team there you go
- 00:56:47just try to be on a team try not to get
- 00:56:50to the top of that team just find some
- 00:56:52team that you can be a part of and just
- 00:56:53be on the team a team member rather than
- 00:56:56the team driver okay number five be
- 00:56:59careful about adapting to the
- 00:57:02expectations of everybody else so much
- 00:57:04that you lose a sense of what you really
- 00:57:07care about maybe you're still trying to
- 00:57:11impress mom or dad they weren't
- 00:57:14attentive to you and so you're still
- 00:57:15trying to impress them come on what do
- 00:57:20you care about number six support and
- 00:57:23encourage others so instead of looking
- 00:57:25for their attention in their admiration
- 00:57:27start applauding them find what
- 00:57:30everybody else is doing and start
- 00:57:31applauding what they're doing and give
- 00:57:33your admiration to others you want
- 00:57:34admiration from others give admiration
- 00:57:37to others do the opposite of what your
- 00:57:39impulse to do you will become an even
- 00:57:42more desirable friend think about this
- 00:57:44you will become a much more desirable
- 00:57:46friend when you give attention and
- 00:57:49admiration to other people rather than
- 00:57:51always expecting it from them if you
- 00:57:54really want to be admired by people then
- 00:57:56admire them interesting learn that from
- 00:57:58the two-seven use your energy and your
- 00:58:00sense of humor and your ability to
- 00:58:02organize and create excitement to help
- 00:58:04others instead of yourself all the time
- 00:58:06number eight unrealistic expectation of
- 00:58:08yourself can lead toward depression
- 00:58:10because you never measure up to that
- 00:58:12what you could have accomplished when
- 00:58:14you fail to reach that desired level of
- 00:58:16success you can become enraged just
- 00:58:20realize that your expectations might be
- 00:58:21a little too much your valuable whether
- 00:58:24you can accomplish everything you set
- 00:58:25out to number nine admit to yourself
- 00:58:27when you're in over your head when
- 00:58:28you've reached your limit number 10
- 00:58:30don't be distracted by comparing
- 00:58:31yourself all the time learn to accept
- 00:58:33yourself and don't worry about everybody
- 00:58:35else's opinion of you and learn to be in
- 00:58:37solitude sometimes well this has been a
- 00:58:39great study I tell you what there's a
- 00:58:42lot of threes in my life that I enjoy
- 00:58:44being around that are healthy
- 00:58:46be healthy be present to life be there
- 00:58:49for the people in your life show up
- 00:58:51fully yourself don't worry about always
- 00:58:54how you're coming across just open up
- 00:58:56and be real with people let people get
- 00:58:57to know you let people care about you as
- 00:58:59you care about them be present and be a
- 00:59:03blessing to others and use the time that
- 00:59:05you have left to do what's most
- 00:59:07important in life don't always be
- 00:59:09focused on how you're coming across and
- 00:59:11how you're being presented and how
- 00:59:13you're being perceived focus rather on
- 00:59:16meeting needs in people's lives and
- 00:59:18being present to them and being an
- 00:59:20encouragement to them alright guys
- 00:59:23blessings in your life and as always I
- 00:59:26love sharing my life with yours and I
- 00:59:28hope that you will pass this on with
- 00:59:30others and that you'll be different as a
- 00:59:32result of it till I see you next time
- 00:59:33take care
- Enneagram Type 3
- The Achiever
- The Performer
- Self-awareness
- Image-conscious
- Goals
- Authenticity
- Fulfillment
- Success
- Adaptability