00:10:45
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6QFJJqXXWP0

摘要

TLDRIn this candid video, the speaker begins with a content warning about sensitive topics. They recount a difficult night plagued by thoughts of their late mother, who passed away in 2010. The speaker struggles with feelings of envy towards those who have parents to complain about, as their mother's passing continues to affect them deeply. They describe how editing their own videos is painful because their voice sounds like their mother's. Reflecting on their past, the speaker shares experiences of family dysfunction, including an abusive environment with their father and stepmother and a sister's abuse by a stepbrother. Financial constraints and lack of access to healthcare leave them unable to pursue therapy, despite acknowledging a need for it. They express frustration over well-intentioned advice to seek therapy and emphasize the immediate necessity of addressing basic needs like food before mental health treatment. Despite these challenges, the speaker hopes to connect with others through sharing their story.

心得

  • ⚠️ Content Warning: Sensitive topics ahead.
  • 💔 Grief over mother's passing in 2010 still affects the speaker.
  • 🎙️ Editing videos is tough due to voice similarities with mother.
  • 😟 Envy towards others who complain about their parents.
  • 📚 Reflects on a past filled with familial abuse and neglect.
  • 🛏️ Recent bed purchase triggered memories of mother buying a bed.
  • 💸 Financial struggles prevent accessing needed therapy.
  • 🍽️ Basic needs like food take precedence over therapy.
  • 🗣️ Frustration with advice to 'just get therapy'.
  • 🕊️ Sharing story to connect with others going through similar issues.

时间轴

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The video begins with a warning about sensitive topics. The speaker shares a mental struggle that occurred early in the morning, around 2-4 a.m. They start reflecting on their mother, who passed away from cancer in 2010 when they were 11. Despite the common saying that time heals all wounds, the speaker expresses that this isn't always true, as they feel a strong connection to their mother through their own voice, which makes editing videos challenging. They mention feeling envious of friends who have difficult relationships with their parents, as the speaker wishes they had a parent, even one to dislike. The recent milestone of buying their own bed leads them to reminisce about the last time their mom bought them a bed, marking a return to difficult memories associated with their childhood and their mother's passing.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:45

    The speaker continues reflecting on their challenging past, including an experience of living with their father from age 12, where their sister experienced abuse and their stepmother disliked them due to their resemblance to their mother. They recount a violent incident where their father punched them, which they now refer to humorously as 'the Superman.' Despite these hardships, the speaker feels momentarily transported back to that painful period of their life. They address suggestions to seek therapy, explaining financial and insurance constraints that make it unfeasible as they struggle to meet basic needs like food. They acknowledge the care in such suggestions but ask for understanding of their current situation.

思维导图

视频问答

  • Why does the speaker hesitate to edit their own videos?

    The speaker hesitates to edit their own videos because their voice reminds them of their deceased mother.

  • What event triggered the speaker’s difficult emotions in the video?

    The speaker was editing a video and was overwhelmed by thoughts of their deceased mother, causing them to struggle with their emotions.

  • What are the speaker's thoughts on others' complaints about their parents?

    The speaker feels envious because, although some people have difficult relationships with their parents, they at least have parents to complain about.

  • Why can’t the speaker afford therapy?

    The speaker can't afford therapy due to financial limitations and lack of good insurance.

  • What type of past family issues does the speaker mention?

    The speaker mentions living with an abusive stepmother and having a sister who was abused by their stepbrother.

  • How does the speaker feel about their financial situation?

    The speaker is struggling financially, having to prioritize basic needs over therapy, and feels overwhelmed by this situation.

  • Why is the speaker talking about this topic?

    The speaker wants to share their experiences and struggles with mental health and past traumas to inform or connect with their audience.

  • What does the speaker think about the advice to get therapy?

    The speaker understands the good intentions behind the advice but feels frustrated because therapy is financially inaccessible to them.

  • How does the speaker describe their living situation with their father?

    The speaker describes it as difficult, having had to sleep on the floor to avoid being hurt by a broken futon.

  • What metaphor does the speaker use for a past incident with their father?

    The speaker humorously refers to an incident where their father punched them as doing the "Superman," likening their involuntary movement to a dance move.

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  • 00:00:01
    I'm going to start this I'm going to
  • 00:00:03
    start this video off with a warning a
  • 00:00:08
    warning if you're
  • 00:00:10
    not um someone who reacts well
  • 00:00:15
    to sensitive
  • 00:00:17
    topics you should
  • 00:00:19
    probably you should probably get off
  • 00:00:21
    this
  • 00:00:22
    one because um I want to talk about
  • 00:00:26
    something that happened last night
  • 00:00:30
    it was all mental
  • 00:00:33
    but it was
  • 00:00:36
    something so it was
  • 00:00:39
    around 2 3 4 a.m.
  • 00:00:43
    and I wasn't feeling too good in the old
  • 00:00:47
    Noggin
  • 00:00:50
    I I started thinking about my mom I
  • 00:00:53
    started thinking about my mom and for
  • 00:00:56
    new people she passed away of cancer
  • 00:00:59
    back
  • 00:01:00
    when I was a be when in
  • 00:01:03
    2009 when I was um I'm a liar 2010 when
  • 00:01:06
    I was
  • 00:01:08
    11
  • 00:01:11
    and it's with me for my entire
  • 00:01:14
    life I've had different people be like
  • 00:01:17
    oh you know with
  • 00:01:19
    time with time it'll get
  • 00:01:22
    better with time you know time heals all
  • 00:01:26
    wounds that's the term Right Time Heals
  • 00:01:28
    all wounds
  • 00:01:31
    but that's not that's not always true if
  • 00:01:35
    I had to
  • 00:01:36
    be honest with you and how how it
  • 00:01:41
    feels because sometimes when I actually
  • 00:01:44
    edit my own videos
  • 00:01:46
    um I I hesitate a little bit because of
  • 00:01:51
    my own voice
  • 00:01:53
    actually because as it has been noted
  • 00:01:56
    and noticed by um people who watch my
  • 00:02:00
    streams versus my YouTube videos I do
  • 00:02:03
    sound slightly different on YouTube and
  • 00:02:06
    the reason is because if I didn't like
  • 00:02:11
    do that I would go insane
  • 00:02:14
    editing my own videos
  • 00:02:17
    because I sound just like my
  • 00:02:22
    mom and it with me whenever I like
  • 00:02:25
    hear myself in a
  • 00:02:27
    recording so last night when I was um
  • 00:02:30
    trying to edit the video I I I couldn't
  • 00:02:33
    do it anymore I I couldn't do it
  • 00:02:37
    anymore and I
  • 00:02:40
    just I was just up man I was
  • 00:02:45
    just I was just up thinking about
  • 00:02:48
    it because I I I I have some I have some
  • 00:02:52
    friends who
  • 00:02:55
    um who sometimes they'll sometimes
  • 00:02:57
    they'll talk about you know like their
  • 00:02:59
    parents
  • 00:03:00
    and and their relationship with their
  • 00:03:04
    parents and um and how and how that
  • 00:03:09
    relationship isn't isn't that
  • 00:03:12
    good and how like you know maybe they
  • 00:03:14
    hate their parents or whatnot maybe
  • 00:03:16
    their dad is mean or their mom is
  • 00:03:19
    mean and
  • 00:03:22
    um some sometimes I'm not some sometimes
  • 00:03:26
    I'm not too sure how to react to that
  • 00:03:30
    because there's there's this really this
  • 00:03:32
    really up evil Envy envious side
  • 00:03:35
    of me that's
  • 00:03:37
    like I um that's like how
  • 00:03:42
    I
  • 00:03:45
    I it's like I never say
  • 00:03:49
    it but there's this part of me that's
  • 00:03:51
    like at least you have at least you have
  • 00:03:53
    a parent to
  • 00:03:56
    hate yeah there's no good way for them
  • 00:03:58
    to come out there's no good way wait for
  • 00:04:00
    that to come
  • 00:04:01
    out
  • 00:04:03
    and and it messes with me it messes with
  • 00:04:06
    me and the other reason why it's just
  • 00:04:08
    been on my mind is cuz some of you know
  • 00:04:11
    um yay I just got I got a bed of my own
  • 00:04:14
    finally
  • 00:04:15
    yay and I'm
  • 00:04:17
    happy but then it hit me that the last
  • 00:04:20
    person to actually buy me my own like
  • 00:04:24
    big bed for someone my height was
  • 00:04:27
    actually my mom because I've been
  • 00:04:30
    sleeping on this um kind of smallish
  • 00:04:33
    twins siiz bed or whatever for um for a
  • 00:04:38
    little while now and before that I was
  • 00:04:40
    in a college dorm and I had a twin siiz
  • 00:04:43
    bed and before that was with my dad
  • 00:04:46
    actually
  • 00:04:47
    didn't I didn't really have a bed when
  • 00:04:49
    living with him I had like this broken
  • 00:04:52
    futon but like some some of the metallic
  • 00:04:55
    parts from the broken part like stabbed
  • 00:04:57
    me at night so I just ended up sleeping
  • 00:04:59
    on um sleeping on the ground like a
  • 00:05:01
    blanket below me because um I didn't
  • 00:05:03
    like the carpet didn't like the carpet
  • 00:05:07
    no now one time I actually woke up and
  • 00:05:10
    it was like a roach on my chest
  • 00:05:11
    cuz I slept on my back that night and I
  • 00:05:14
    li I screamed I screamed thankfully he
  • 00:05:18
    didn't hear me
  • 00:05:20
    otherwise but so but yeah I'm I'm not
  • 00:05:23
    going to I'm that that
  • 00:05:26
    that back to the main topic back to the
  • 00:05:28
    main topic
  • 00:05:30
    um um oh and uh sorry for if I'm making
  • 00:05:38
    anyone
  • 00:05:40
    uncomfortable
  • 00:05:42
    yeah so yeah I'm I'm just going to talk
  • 00:05:46
    a little more but not too much more cuz
  • 00:05:48
    I don't I have to edit this and I I
  • 00:05:50
    really don't want to edit this for too
  • 00:05:51
    too too long so yeah that was
  • 00:05:54
    with me a little
  • 00:05:57
    bit and it just
  • 00:05:59
    [Music]
  • 00:06:01
    it took me back to how
  • 00:06:04
    how how things were back
  • 00:06:08
    then and I
  • 00:06:10
    didn't I didn't like being back in that
  • 00:06:13
    head
  • 00:06:15
    space I
  • 00:06:18
    didn't but I wanted
  • 00:06:22
    to I still wanted to record this
  • 00:06:26
    because even though you know I I
  • 00:06:30
    mentioned it on two different platforms
  • 00:06:31
    not everyone like sees every Community
  • 00:06:34
    post Twitter's assess po so some of you
  • 00:06:36
    probably didn't like see it there either
  • 00:06:38
    so I just want to like I wanted to make
  • 00:06:41
    a video too so that at least some people
  • 00:06:43
    were would notice or no
  • 00:06:46
    um some people who aren't always
  • 00:06:53
    noticing or seeing or whatever I don't
  • 00:06:56
    know how to say it man so you
  • 00:06:59
    know what's up yeah so you know what's
  • 00:07:02
    up but yeah yeah life
  • 00:07:06
    was really really bad back then
  • 00:07:09
    because
  • 00:07:12
    um I moved in with my dad when I was 12
  • 00:07:17
    and it wasn't too good it wasn't too
  • 00:07:21
    good my younger sister was getting
  • 00:07:25
    frequently sexually abused by my step
  • 00:07:27
    brother at the time
  • 00:07:30
    and my stepmom at the time also hated me
  • 00:07:33
    because I looked way too much like um
  • 00:07:36
    like my mother n we're back we're back
  • 00:07:39
    to that so like there was this one day
  • 00:07:44
    it's I I laugh at it a little bit day
  • 00:07:46
    now but um a little now but my one of my
  • 00:07:50
    brothers calls it the
  • 00:07:51
    Superman because
  • 00:07:53
    um I ended up pissing off my dad so much
  • 00:07:57
    that he punched me and I flu
  • 00:08:00
    because I was anorexic at the time so I
  • 00:08:04
    was really light I was about 13 and I
  • 00:08:07
    was like ah and my arms flew out like I
  • 00:08:09
    was doing the um you know Soulja Boy
  • 00:08:12
    tell them like the dance for yeah that
  • 00:08:15
    if you know you you really
  • 00:08:18
    know yeah that was just one um that's
  • 00:08:21
    one incident the Superman the Superman
  • 00:08:23
    then
  • 00:08:24
    you you crank that soja
  • 00:08:28
    boy yeah life was life was all right not
  • 00:08:32
    really no it was it was a mess but yeah
  • 00:08:36
    last night I kind of just felt like I
  • 00:08:38
    was like I was back like I was back
  • 00:08:41
    there
  • 00:08:43
    and I I I died I I broke I I
  • 00:08:47
    couldn't I couldn't man to the
  • 00:08:50
    who was like get
  • 00:08:53
    therapy you know that mean it's
  • 00:08:56
    like just buy a house I'm just going to
  • 00:09:00
    tell you the
  • 00:09:01
    [Music]
  • 00:09:02
    truth if I had the ability to get
  • 00:09:05
    therapy I
  • 00:09:06
    would but to get therapy I need money
  • 00:09:10
    and really good
  • 00:09:13
    insurance and now's not the time to be
  • 00:09:15
    like oh blah blah blah America this
  • 00:09:18
    insurance
  • 00:09:20
    that you can blame and talk about the
  • 00:09:22
    systems in place when it comes to a
  • 00:09:25
    variety of situations but all that does
  • 00:09:29
    is
  • 00:09:31
    cause you to avoid what's happening in
  • 00:09:34
    the
  • 00:09:36
    moment so
  • 00:09:38
    yeah I would get some therapy but
  • 00:09:41
    I I'm not a with therapy money my
  • 00:09:45
    fridge is empty I'm hungry as right
  • 00:09:47
    now like
  • 00:09:48
    it's before a therapy I need food in my
  • 00:09:52
  • 00:09:53
    stomach I need food in my
  • 00:09:56
    stomach
  • 00:09:57
    okay I would be
  • 00:10:00
    going to therapy like once or twice a
  • 00:10:01
    week if I could
  • 00:10:03
    [Music]
  • 00:10:05
    okay so
  • 00:10:07
    please don't tell me to get it I don't
  • 00:10:10
    have the money to do it
  • 00:10:13
    okay thank thank you I I know you're
  • 00:10:17
    saying that out of like care and you
  • 00:10:21
    know trying to be nice
  • 00:10:24
    but not not today not today
  • 00:10:33
    yeah
  • 00:10:36
    [Music]
  • 00:10:38
    yeah yeah
标签
  • mental health
  • grief
  • family dynamics
  • therapy access
  • financial struggles
  • parental loss
  • personal growth
  • trauma
  • emotional wellbeing
  • video editing