00:00:00
how silly would it be for someone to
00:00:01
come to you and say you know I just
00:00:03
don't understand why you're a cocacola
00:00:05
and you'd be going what why I'm a
00:00:08
Coca-Cola that doesn't make any sense
00:00:10
that's crazy but yet if somebody says
00:00:12
you're
00:00:13
unlovable we somehow believe it rather
00:00:16
than go sounds like Coca-Cola to me and
00:00:19
so I use the cocacola technique to
00:00:22
detach myself from that nonsense cuz
00:00:25
it's nonsense it's not the truth thank
00:00:28
you for joining me this is a video about
00:00:31
20 insults you commonly hear in a
00:00:35
narcissistic family from very subtle
00:00:37
ones to very extreme ones have you ever
00:00:41
been told you're just too sensitive
00:00:44
you're just so selfish if so you're not
00:00:47
alone if you heard something like this
00:00:50
from a parent you know the pain it
00:00:53
causes now other families besides
00:00:56
narcissists can use these as well in
00:00:59
narcissistic families insults aren't
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just words they're strategic weapons
00:01:05
designed to make you feel small
00:01:08
dependent and Powerless I'm Jerry wise
00:01:11
and for over 45 years I've helped people
00:01:13
to break free from toxic family Dynamics
00:01:17
my mission is to help you discover the
00:01:19
self you are never allowed to have a
00:01:22
strong confident and independent you and
00:01:26
together we build a life free from
00:01:28
control manipul ulation and emotional
00:01:31
pain let's break down the types of
00:01:34
insults you often hear in narcissistic
00:01:37
families from most subtle to the most
00:01:40
extreme why they're so destructive and
00:01:44
how you can begin to protect yourself
00:01:46
most common insults you hear in
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narcissistic families number one subtle
00:01:52
insults they seem harmless but undermine
00:01:55
you over time for example one you're
00:01:59
just too sensitive this insults your
00:02:02
emotional responses by implying that
00:02:05
you're weak making you feel ashamed for
00:02:08
expressing yourself number two oh you're
00:02:11
just overreacting it belittles your
00:02:15
emotions by suggesting you're irrational
00:02:18
you're emotionally unregulated and
00:02:21
leading you to suppress your own
00:02:23
feelings but in an unhealthy way there
00:02:26
may be a healthy time to suppress your
00:02:29
feelings but not in this unhealthy way
00:02:32
they're suggesting number three stop
00:02:35
being so emotional this insults your
00:02:38
emotional expression by labeling it
00:02:41
excessive making you feel like your
00:02:43
feelings are invalid or crazy number
00:02:46
four I was just joking don't be so
00:02:50
dramatic it disguises criticism as humor
00:02:55
making you feel like you're overreacting
00:02:57
and can't take a joke number five you're
00:03:00
imagining things this insults your
00:03:03
perception by implying you're delusional
00:03:06
causing you to doubt your own reality
00:03:09
and that's one of those gaslighting
00:03:11
insults you're just imagining things a
00:03:14
second category of insults is guilt and
00:03:18
shame based insults firstly everything's
00:03:22
always about you isn't it it accuses you
00:03:26
of being selfish making you feel guilty
00:03:29
and guilty of just having needs number
00:03:32
two after all I've done for you this is
00:03:36
how you repay me this insults your
00:03:39
gratitude by implying you're
00:03:42
unappreciative and making you feel
00:03:44
obligated to comply and that you still
00:03:48
owe them from years past number three
00:03:53
you'll regret this when I'm gone it
00:03:56
manipulates you through guilt making you
00:03:59
a afraid to make independent choices in
00:04:02
other words just remember you're going
00:04:05
to feel really really guilty but do what
00:04:07
you want and of course we don't want to
00:04:09
feel guilty after they're gone but
00:04:12
typically I have also told people who
00:04:14
are clients and people I've worked with
00:04:16
if they're using this type of technique
00:04:19
and you fear you will feel guilty after
00:04:22
they're gone then come and see me I'll
00:04:24
help you with that and I'll help you get
00:04:26
over that don't live under the fear of
00:04:29
that that can be resolved number four I
00:04:32
sacrificed everything for you this
00:04:35
insults your independence by implying
00:04:38
you are a burden or making you feel
00:04:41
unworthy and that you haven't sacrificed
00:04:44
for anything in your life only they have
00:04:47
number five why can't you be like your
00:04:50
brother your sibling your cousin Aunt
00:04:53
your your nephew your you know it's why
00:04:56
can't you be more like them it insults
00:04:59
your uniqueness by comparing you
00:05:02
negatively leading to feelings of
00:05:05
inadequacy you're worse than your father
00:05:07
or your sisters worse than you you know
00:05:10
it's whenever you use those comparison
00:05:13
insults they are insulting and do
00:05:17
challenge us feeling adequate a third
00:05:21
category is direct character attacks
00:05:25
destroying and affecting selfworth for
00:05:28
example remember one you're such a
00:05:31
disappointment this insults your ability
00:05:34
by labeling you as a failure and making
00:05:37
you or often we feel worthless the
00:05:41
reason why I have hard time with making
00:05:42
you because later I tell you how some of
00:05:46
those feelings we're choosing because of
00:05:48
the family programming it's not because
00:05:51
they're making you do it but it's the
00:05:53
normal programming that we do it but
00:05:55
either way we often feel worthless
00:05:57
because of those kinds of insults and
00:06:00
also it leaves it leaves open well then
00:06:02
how would I not be a disappointment
00:06:04
usually it means by complying by doing
00:06:07
what I want by believing what I believe
00:06:10
by being me you would not be a
00:06:13
disappointment oh that's not very
00:06:16
helpful for a self number two you're
00:06:19
just like your father you're just like
00:06:21
your sister it insults your
00:06:24
individuality by comparing you to
00:06:26
someone they dislike making you feel
00:06:29
flaw
00:06:30
and again they will use well you'll just
00:06:32
you're just like somebody who acts
00:06:34
negatively and it's like well I'm not
00:06:37
them they're not me even if we do act
00:06:40
alike in some ways I'm still not them
00:06:43
and they're still not me but if I can
00:06:45
blend those together I might be able to
00:06:47
insult you and cause some lower
00:06:51
self-esteem and lower self-worth number
00:06:53
three you always ruin everything you
00:06:57
can't just get along you always have to
00:07:00
bring these things up you always make
00:07:02
something that is not fun and this
00:07:07
insults your competence by blaming you
00:07:10
for problems and making you feel like
00:07:13
the constant failure and the constant
00:07:16
problem maker and I never like using
00:07:18
always never those kinds of words even
00:07:21
in marriage counseling or even in uh
00:07:24
when we talk about you know you always
00:07:27
ruin everything did I ruin yesterday as
00:07:30
well as the day before and the day
00:07:31
before that always ruin everything cuz
00:07:34
it's an overstatement meant to insult or
00:07:36
to deean someone and then fourthly of
00:07:39
course we have well you're so selfish
00:07:41
you're just so selfish it attacks your
00:07:44
character by implying you don't care
00:07:46
about others making you feel guilty for
00:07:49
prioritizing yourself if you go well
00:07:52
this is what I would like to do oh
00:07:54
that's selfish language to use I because
00:07:58
you should be using we be and or what I
00:08:01
think we should do so you can't have a
00:08:04
boundary you can't have an opinion you
00:08:06
can't be unique or autonomous without
00:08:10
being selfish cuz you're just all stuck
00:08:13
on yourself and of course that's a very
00:08:16
distorted view of selfishness and the
00:08:20
ultimate selfishness is to try to
00:08:24
control someone else's selfhood while
00:08:27
affirming your own and making it
00:08:30
dominant like a narcissistic parent
00:08:32
might that's the ultimate selfishness
00:08:35
number five no one cares about your
00:08:37
opinion and this insults your
00:08:40
intelligence by dismissing your thoughts
00:08:42
making you feel invisible or and
00:08:45
unimportant no one cares about your
00:08:47
opinion and especially on this you don't
00:08:50
even go to the same church we go to or
00:08:52
the same mosque or whatever religious
00:08:54
organization so no one cares about your
00:08:57
opinion well who's an expert on
00:09:00
everything I'd like to meet them
00:09:02
sometimes and I can have opinions on
00:09:05
things I'm not a part of but no one
00:09:08
cares about your opinion and that is to
00:09:10
make you feel small weak demeaned and
00:09:13
you know just shut up is really the
00:09:16
message what's the next category of
00:09:18
insults extreme insults attacking your
00:09:22
core identity and selfworth first of all
00:09:27
number one you're lucky we even put up
00:09:29
with you it insults your value by
00:09:32
implying you've been a burden or making
00:09:34
you feel unwanted you're lucky we even
00:09:37
put up with you number two no one else
00:09:40
would put up with you this insults your
00:09:42
worth by isolating you and making you
00:09:45
feel unlovable and dependent because no
00:09:48
one would put up with you so you need to
00:09:51
be really really grateful that we had
00:09:54
you and you're and you have us as
00:09:56
parents thirdly you know you're possible
00:10:00
to love it insults your core self by
00:10:03
suggesting you're fundamentally Unworthy
00:10:06
of Love causing deep emotional pain and
00:10:10
again we do it with kind of words like
00:10:12
you're stupid we label your whole being
00:10:16
with this insult you're stupid and
00:10:19
that's very very damaging for a child
00:10:22
and then we have to do the work of self-
00:10:24
differentiation later on in life to get
00:10:27
that out of us because it's not a true
00:10:31
part of us it is a forced into us part
00:10:35
of us or a borrowed part of us that we
00:10:37
have borrowed from the toxic
00:10:39
dysfunctional family we grew up in but
00:10:41
it's not the true us and I remember
00:10:44
having a difficulty coming to that
00:10:46
conclusion even to believe that because
00:10:48
I remember when I was pastoring I just
00:10:50
felt so I was very codependent and just
00:10:53
wanted everybody to be happy and
00:10:55
everybody to be happy with me and you
00:10:57
know well good luck and there were some
00:11:00
a family who was pretty critical of me
00:11:02
about many things and and I'm going I'm
00:11:05
just Jerry I mean I've never done
00:11:06
anything bad to you don't want to you
00:11:09
know have always tried to treat you with
00:11:10
respect and and things like that because
00:11:13
those are my values but they were oh
00:11:15
well Jerry Jerry doesn't like us Jerry
00:11:18
thinks he's better than us Jerry and it
00:11:20
all was projection on their part they
00:11:23
had both husband and wife had grown up
00:11:25
with physically abusive fathers well I
00:11:29
was a pastor well who's the father
00:11:31
figure in the church now I became their
00:11:33
father for no reason I had never abused
00:11:36
them but I got the unresolved issues
00:11:40
coming my way and I think that feeling
00:11:43
feeling bad and self-doubt that you know
00:11:47
well are they right am I really bad am I
00:11:50
really treating them bad and I kept days
00:11:53
and days going over that trying to sort
00:11:55
that out I even talked to associate
00:11:57
pastors and I talked to you know
00:11:59
different people am I treating them this
00:12:02
way you know and I'm trying to get them
00:12:04
to say no no no no no but I hadn't
00:12:07
decided for myself whether that was true
00:12:09
or not and so I remember the night I sat
00:12:11
down and went either they're wrong or
00:12:14
I'm wrong and I have to make a decision
00:12:17
and it was one of the biggest
00:12:18
breakthroughs I had had because you know
00:12:21
I said well does that mean you don't
00:12:22
have any doubts or maybe you I'm not
00:12:25
perfect I don't do everything right but
00:12:28
I still had a sense of that's not me
00:12:31
though what they're saying isn't me and
00:12:34
that began to turn the tide on this
00:12:37
whole mess that I was dealing with and I
00:12:39
began to learn to do some self-
00:12:41
differentiation work where I could pick
00:12:43
the right time to talk about the things
00:12:47
that I was over talking about and should
00:12:49
have held close to my vest but to bring
00:12:52
them out at the right time but I was
00:12:54
talking about them cuz I was being
00:12:56
reactive and when I stopped being
00:12:58
reactive and calm down then I didn't
00:13:00
have to blab everything I knew to
00:13:02
everybody which made it look like well
00:13:04
is Jerry trying to convince me that he
00:13:06
hasn't done this you know and and so it
00:13:08
it turned out actually well but it was
00:13:10
not fun and so we have number four
00:13:14
you'll never be good enough is another
00:13:16
insult this insults your self-esteem by
00:13:20
making success feel impossible leaving
00:13:23
you feeling inadequate number five
00:13:26
you're worthless I think I've mentioned
00:13:28
that one it directly attacks your entire
00:13:32
sense of self leading to the feelings of
00:13:34
hopelessness and despair because you are
00:13:37
nothing you are worthless you mean
00:13:41
nothing you're not lovable you're I mean
00:13:44
just an attacks of insults and shame
00:13:48
which should blot out your being and
00:13:51
blot out your personhood and there's
00:13:54
worse ones than that and you know
00:13:55
parents can swear and do all kinds of
00:13:57
things and and grade you physically body
00:14:01
shaming all kinds of other insults that
00:14:03
can come to make you comply and to make
00:14:07
you feel controllable for them so why do
00:14:12
these insults do more than hurt your
00:14:15
feelings because they have shaped and
00:14:18
reshaped our identity eroding our
00:14:21
selfworth leaving you dependent on their
00:14:24
approval now I spend the rest of my life
00:14:27
trying to convin Vince them I'm not
00:14:30
worthless and that I am worthy and that
00:14:33
I am lovable and so I have to spend the
00:14:35
rest of my life doing that now that's a
00:14:38
very exhausting thing to do often you
00:14:40
have to do it a while until you're ready
00:14:42
to give it up and but that's hard to
00:14:44
give it up because if I give it up then
00:14:47
I cannot have the fantasy or the dream
00:14:49
of having the parent I always wanted who
00:14:52
actually cares about me who actually
00:14:54
loves me who actually supports me so if
00:14:57
I give up the belief in what they're
00:15:00
saying then it kind of throws into stark
00:15:05
contrast this isn't going to happen and
00:15:08
you're not going to have the parent who
00:15:10
will parent you in a loving mature
00:15:14
nurturing caring adult way if we're both
00:15:18
adults the parent and us it's not going
00:15:20
to happen and many of us don't want to
00:15:22
give up that fantasy I certainly did not
00:15:25
I thought well let's just keep trying if
00:15:28
we just keep trying something might
00:15:30
happen well you can try all that you
00:15:32
would like you have my permission to do
00:15:35
that and then when you're ready you can
00:15:37
take a look at a way in which you could
00:15:38
self- differentiate and become free and
00:15:41
then have a different or newer
00:15:43
relationship with that parent some
00:15:45
choose no relationship some choose a
00:15:47
more limited relationship and uh every
00:15:50
parent is different so not every parent
00:15:52
even every narcissistic parent is
00:15:55
different and uh there are some things
00:15:57
when we start to let go of the Apron
00:16:00
Strings the umbilical cords emotional
00:16:03
with parents it can affect the
00:16:06
relationship for the positive but I
00:16:08
don't want to hold out a whole lot of
00:16:10
hope it's troubling now over time the
00:16:14
parents attack your sense of self and
00:16:17
your reality with these insults they
00:16:19
create self-doubt they sabotage your
00:16:22
confidence they keep you trapped in the
00:16:25
family's emotional WiFi and the family's
00:16:29
toxic Dynamics and one of the things I
00:16:32
do is help people get turn off the
00:16:35
family Wi-Fi and cut the cords with the
00:16:39
family toxic Dynamics and by the way I
00:16:42
don't mean by that you never talk to
00:16:44
your family or never with them I'm
00:16:46
talking about the internal process of
00:16:49
disconnecting from the family's toxic
00:16:52
Dynamics self-differentiation tips to
00:16:55
break free from narcissistic insults
00:16:58
reduce your reactivity to their insults
00:17:02
learn not to care and stay calm those
00:17:07
are not easy things I know they are not
00:17:09
easy things but even doing that poorly
00:17:12
will give you some freedom and might
00:17:15
give you a pathway to finding yourself
00:17:18
so and anything worth doing I've always
00:17:20
said is worth doing poorly because it's
00:17:23
still worth doing and just like learning
00:17:25
not to care maybe you can not care about
00:17:27
this insult but the next one you do care
00:17:30
about well the next one don't care about
00:17:32
it I mean that they are them and you are
00:17:34
you so what that somebody thinks you're
00:17:38
stupid which actually in many ways the
00:17:40
offender doesn't really even believe
00:17:43
that it's just a way to control but you
00:17:46
know somebody can think I'm the worst
00:17:48
therapist coach Pastor whatever in the
00:17:52
world and I go so what and what's your
00:17:56
real problem you know and that's i c the
00:17:58
family that I was struggling with in
00:18:00
church that's what they were kind of
00:18:01
saying that you can't have a worse
00:18:04
Pastor than me it's kind of like but so
00:18:06
many people have always said I've done
00:18:08
such a good job why am I but here I am
00:18:10
believing this negative thing because I
00:18:13
had a lack of confidence and self-esteem
00:18:16
and then began to learn not to care I
00:18:20
don't care if that's what they want to
00:18:22
think they're free to think that I'm not
00:18:25
going to live out the trouble of that
00:18:27
I'm going to shift the burden of this
00:18:29
emotional conflict to them you can then
00:18:32
keep not liking me if you want if you
00:18:34
want to waste your time doing that
00:18:36
you're free to do it but I'm not going
00:18:38
to worry about it anymore use a cocacola
00:18:41
technique that I have suggested which is
00:18:45
when you hear somebody saying I don't
00:18:47
think anybody you are not lovable for
00:18:50
anybody to love you what I think is they
00:18:54
are actually describing and calling me a
00:18:57
Coca-Cola that's how much sense this is
00:19:01
how silly would it be for someone to
00:19:02
come to you and say you know I just
00:19:04
don't understand why you're a Coca-Cola
00:19:06
and you'd be going what why I'm a
00:19:09
Coca-Cola that doesn't make any sense
00:19:11
that's crazy but yet if somebody says
00:19:13
you're
00:19:14
unlovable we somehow believe it rather
00:19:17
than go sounds like Coca-Cola to me and
00:19:20
so I use the Coca-Cola technique to
00:19:23
detach myself from that nonsense cuz
00:19:26
it's nonsense it's not the truth truth
00:19:29
also remember and this is something I
00:19:31
use a lot in self-differentiation I am
00:19:34
not them and they are not me they can be
00:19:38
as crazy and nutty as they want to be
00:19:40
about who they think I am who they
00:19:43
perfectly fine but they're not me and
00:19:46
that's not what I believe about me but
00:19:49
they're free to believe that if they
00:19:50
want and if other people believe them
00:19:53
then other people are believing them at
00:19:56
their own Peril and at some point they
00:19:58
may come to realize they were wrong
00:20:00
maybe not but many times they do come to
00:20:02
see hey oh well maybe their parent
00:20:06
wasn't all that accurate about their
00:20:08
child du maybe not ask if they never
00:20:12
change and they're going to continue to
00:20:14
do this forever for the rest of your
00:20:17
life how would you feel how would you
00:20:19
think and how would you behave
00:20:21
differently and then I've also added I
00:20:23
will also add on there what kind of
00:20:25
relationship would you like to have with
00:20:27
them they're not going to change not one
00:20:29
bit how are you going to you know what
00:20:32
are you going to do with the
00:20:33
relationship and if they never changed
00:20:36
are you going to change how you think
00:20:38
about you that's kind of what I how
00:20:40
would you feel how would you think how
00:20:42
would you behave differently because
00:20:43
you're up against something that's
00:20:45
unchangeable or very possibly
00:20:47
unchangeable and I believe people can
00:20:49
change but I believe there are some
00:20:51
people that the chances of changing are
00:20:54
very very small but how would you think
00:20:56
feel and behave differently my parent is
00:20:59
always going to think this way about me
00:21:02
am I going to care about that am I going
00:21:04
to live my life according to it isn't it
00:21:06
rather ridiculous that they think that
00:21:08
way why am I falling prey to their inner
00:21:13
immaturity and personality disorder wh
00:21:16
why am I doing that that seems rather a
00:21:19
foolish thing to do so if you're ready
00:21:21
to finally break free from the grip of
00:21:24
dysfunctional family Dynamics and build
00:21:27
a strong conf ident sense of self free
00:21:30
from others control manipulation or
00:21:33
dysfunction then join me in the free
00:21:36
training that I have listed below
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absolutely free 84 minutes you'll learn
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a lot of stuff start building the self
00:21:44
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icon to see new videos I publish every
00:21:54
week it's time to get your family out of
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you and finally live as your true
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differentiated self I want to thank you
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for watching have a great day and be
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wise
