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in today's episode of the let's talk
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psychology podcast we're going to talk
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about why smart kids end up lonely and
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struggle as adults this audio recording
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includes subtitles so you can follow
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along more intentionally and absorb the
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ideas at your own pace why is it that so
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many smart kids grow up feeling stuck
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disconnected and completely alone they
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were supposed to be ahead of everyone
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else they were praised rewarded told
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they'd go far and yet somewhere along
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the way that promise turned into pre
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that praise became a prison and now a
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lot of those same kids the ones who once
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stood out are struggling as adults they
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can't find motivation they feel socially
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behind they struggle to start things
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follow through or connect with people
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and worst of all they can't explain why
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because on the outside everything looks
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fine they're still sharp still capable
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but inside there's this constant sense
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of isolation like life is happening to
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other people and they're just watching
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it go by and it turns out there's a
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reason for that smart kids often build
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their entire identity around being smart
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and when that happens the very thing
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that made them feel special as children
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becomes the exact thing that traps them
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as adults so let's talk about why this
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happens and more importantly how to undo
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it because none of this is about failure
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it's about a survival strategy that
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stopped working and if you understand
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how you got here you can start to find a
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way out so When We're Young our identity
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tends to be simple kids latch on to one
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or two traits and build their sense of
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self around them for example a kid might
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base his identity as a person who likes
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Pokemon or chicken nuggets it's all very
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one-dimensional but that's normal that's
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how identity starts it's straightforward
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and it's based on interests or labels
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and one of the most powerful labels a
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child can receive is you're smart that
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phrase sticks it gets reinforced by
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teachers parents classmates it becomes a
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core part of how you see yourself and
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for a while it feels amazing being smart
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as a kid gives you praise attention and
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you basically live life on easy mode you
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don't need to study as hard as everyone
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else you pick things up quickly and you
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stand out compared to the other kids but
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here's the hidden cost when you get
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praised for being smart what people are
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usually praising is not hard work it's
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effortless success you were praised when
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you solved the problem quickly when you
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got an A without trying when you
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understood something the first time and
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over time you start to internalize a
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very dangerous idea if I'm smart things
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should be easy for me and that belief
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will quietly sabotage everything once
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you grow older because the moment
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something isn't easy when you struggle
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when you fail when you don't understand
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something right away it doesn't feel
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like a normal challenge it feels like a
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threat to your identity because you tell
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yourself if I'm supposed to be smart
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smart then why am I struggling so
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instead of Leaning into difficulty you
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start avoiding it you don't raise your
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hand unless you're sure you don't play
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games unless you know you'll win you
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don't pursue things you could love
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because they might expose you as someone
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who maybe isn't so smart and slowly your
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life starts to narrow you only do what
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you're already good at you stick to
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familiar territory you protect your
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image and your identity of the perfect
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smart kid instead of trying new things
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and that's the crap because while
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everyone else is out there experimenting
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trying failing developing you're locked
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inside a shrinking comfort zone and the
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longer that goes on the harder it
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becomes to leave and at some point you
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realize you've built a whole identity on
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something that now feels fragile you
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can't afford to fail you can't afford to
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look stupid you can't afford to threaten
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what you built your whole identity on so
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you stall
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and that's when the isolation starts to
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set in because when you stop growing you
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also stop connecting think about it
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connection comes from shared activities
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being on a team going through awkward
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stages together or working hard towards
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something and if you start opting out of
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those things if you remove yourself from
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the situations where other people Bond
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you miss the moments that create real
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friendships and connection you don't
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join the club because you're afraid
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you'll be bad at it you don't try the
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sport because it's unfamiliar
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you avoid group projects because they
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frustrate you and without realizing it
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you start stepping out of the flow of
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social life but you still crave
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connection right so what do you do you
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lean on what you know your intelligence
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you try to understand people instead of
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relating to them you analyze You observe
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you run simulations in your head and
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this leads to something called cognitive
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empathy where you can understand what
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others feel logically but you don't
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emotionally engage with them and it
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works up to a point you can navigate
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conversations you can keep up socially
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you might even seem charismatic on the
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surface but underneath you're exhausted
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because instead of just being with
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people you're calculating you're
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constantly thinking about what to say
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how to respond what they might be
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thinking so now socializing also becomes
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something you have to be good at and to
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avoid failing at it you start avoiding
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it this is where the loneliness deepens
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but you're smart right you should be
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able to figure this out so you start
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applying logic to emotional problems you
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try to fix your self-esteem with
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rationality you write out arguments to
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convince yourself you're fine you
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analyze your own behavior to death and
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none of it helps because intelligence
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wasn't designed to fix emotional pain
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it's not a tool for selfworth it's a
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tool for solving external problems and
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when you try to use it to feel okay
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inside it just keeps looping because
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there's no intellectual answer to the
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question am I enough that question can
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only be answered emotionally and for
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smart kids emotional growth is often the
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one thing that got left behind and when
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the emotional pain becomes too sharp
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when the loneliness starts to feel
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unbearable that's when the ego steps in
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and forms one final defense you tell
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yourself I'm just different from other
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people I don't relate because they're
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not as smart I'm too deep for surface
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level friendships and now instead of
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admitting that you're lonely you
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convince yourself that you're above
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everyone else not because you actually
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believe it but because it hurts less
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than admitting you feel left out this is
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what we call defensive arrogance and
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it's one of the most isolating patterns
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you can fall into it creates a wall
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between you and everyone else and even
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when you want connection the wall
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doesn't let you reach for it because
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connection requires humility it requires
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presence it requires being seen and
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vulnerable so how do we fix this the
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first step and this is non-negotiable is
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that you have to stop identifying as the
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smart kid you have to let that identity
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go not because being intelligent is bad
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but because basing your self-worth on it
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is toxic when your value is tied to how
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easily you succeed you will do
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everything in your power to avoid effort
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avoid failure and avoid situations that
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might prove you're not exceptional
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you'll sabotage progress just to protect
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protect the illusion and eventually that
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illusion will collapse so the fix is to
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build a new identity not around being
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smart but around being willing to grow
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you stop asking what will make me look
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intelligent and you start asking what
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will help me move forward you stop
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protecting your pride and start
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embracing discomfort you let yourself
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try things and be bad at them you start
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showing up not to win but to participate
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and yeah it's awkward it's uncomfortable
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it feels like a step backward but it's
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not because it's the first real step
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toward becoming whole the old identity
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told you that your value came from being
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special the new one reminds you that
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your value comes from being human and
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being human means you're allowed to be
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uncertain you're allowed to grow slowly
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you're allowed to feel lost you're
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allowed to not know what the hell you're
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doing half the time but the only way
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forward is to take action anyway not
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perfect action not clever action just
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honest imperfect human steps forward so
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if you're someone who feels stuck or
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numb or chronically disconnected if
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you've spent your whole life trying to
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be the smartest person in the room and
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now you don't know how to be anything
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else this is where you begin you let go
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of the story you stop trying to be
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impressive you start trying to be real
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because you don't need to be the
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smartest person in the room to belong in
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it you just need to be someone who's
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willing to show up even when it's hard
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even when it's messy even when it's
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unfamiliar and if you can do that
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if you can stop clinging to the version
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of yourself that needs to be above it
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all you'll start to feel something you
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haven't felt in a long time connection
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not because you earned it not because
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you deserved it but because you were
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finally willing to step down from the
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pedestal and into the world where the
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rest of the people live and it turns out
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that world isn't so bad in fact it's the
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only place where you can truly be seen
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and more important
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it's the only place where you can
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finally feel at home so if any part of
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this resonated with you if you recognize
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yourself in these patterns or felt
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something click that you haven't quite
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been able to put into words before leave
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a comment and let me know what stood out
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chances are you're not the only one who
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feels this way and sometimes naming the
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pattern is the first real step to
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breaking it thanks for listening to the
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let's talk psychology podcast take care
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of your mind and I'll see you in the
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next episode
