00:00:00
the Minecraft movie came out today and
00:00:02
for the first time in a very very long
00:00:05
time I was the only person in a theater
00:00:08
for this screening I was the only poor
00:00:11
soul subjecting themselves to the
00:00:13
torture of the Minecraft movie on Deb
00:00:16
here I cannot remember the last time
00:00:19
this happened where there was nobody
00:00:21
else in a theater with me like last year
00:00:23
I saw something called bagman which I
00:00:26
guarantee none of you watching this have
00:00:27
ever even heard of it was this complete
00:00:30
throw away probably AI generated horror
00:00:32
movie that I went and saw on debut and
00:00:35
there was still like at least 15 people
00:00:36
there it's [ __ ] 5:30 on Minecraft
00:00:40
movie day a sacred
00:00:42
holiday and I am the only one in this
00:00:44
theater I'm not
00:00:46
exaggerating there's zero people here
00:00:48
except for me you probably heard that my
00:00:50
husband I could start yelling and
00:00:51
screaming I could start do and there's
00:00:54
nobody here to hear it or see it I felt
00:00:57
almost ashamed a 30-year-old man sitting
00:01:01
in darkness watching the Minecraft movie
00:01:03
All by as
00:01:04
Lonesome my God and the movie's not good
00:01:09
by the way however this movie doesn't
00:01:11
feel like it's some lifeless husk put
00:01:14
together by suits that are unfamiliar
00:01:16
with the property they're adapting like
00:01:18
with the Halo TV series it really does
00:01:20
feel like everyone that worked on this
00:01:21
film is very familiar not only with
00:01:24
Minecraft but the Minecraft Community
00:01:26
there's a lot of references there's
00:01:28
imagery and there's Easter eggs for
00:01:30
things that the Minecraft Community will
00:01:32
absolutely recognize and really
00:01:34
appreciate which I think is a very cool
00:01:36
thing but unfortunately the movie itself
00:01:39
just doesn't do much in general it
00:01:43
really reminds me of what video game
00:01:45
movies used to be back in like the early
00:01:48
2000s before they figured out that they
00:01:49
can make video game movies good I
00:01:52
understand it's a movie for children
00:01:55
that doesn't mean that it has to suck
00:01:56
like it doesn't have to be terrible and
00:01:59
I understand I'm not like the biggest
00:02:01
Minecraft gamer either I'm very familiar
00:02:04
with the game I've played it a lot but
00:02:06
it's not my favorite game by any means
00:02:08
but still I would expect to go on this
00:02:10
movie and at least be entertained and
00:02:11
understand that it's just supposed to be
00:02:12
light-hearted silly and fun it's just
00:02:15
not fun like I was so bored I fell
00:02:18
asleep twice not for a long period of
00:02:20
time I just kind of dozed off twice a
00:02:22
good chunk of the film feels like it's
00:02:24
kind of just a tour of Minecraft but on
00:02:26
the big screen it's clear they
00:02:28
understand the game it's clear that
00:02:30
they've played Minecraft because they
00:02:32
spend a lot of time just explaining game
00:02:33
mechanics in this movie and then just
00:02:36
saying things from the game Chicken
00:02:39
jockey all that memes and [ __ ] it's not
00:02:42
as egregious throughout the whole film
00:02:43
but there are a lot of instances of that
00:02:46
like I really just don't see what all
00:02:48
there is to love about this film even if
00:02:50
you're seven years old still drinking
00:02:52
warm milk out of a sippy cup or the
00:02:54
biggest diard Minecraft fan I just think
00:02:57
there's so little to like here cuz most
00:02:59
of the the film really feels like it's
00:03:00
more of just a demonstration of what
00:03:03
Minecraft looks like on the big screen
00:03:06
and not much else like I guess it's
00:03:08
great for people that just want to point
00:03:09
at the screen and be like oh oh I
00:03:11
recognize that that's a villager I've
00:03:13
played the game Redstone Redstone I know
00:03:16
how it works like cuz that's kind of
00:03:18
what the film does is it takes you from
00:03:19
one of those to the next to the next to
00:03:21
the next to the next on and on and on of
00:03:23
just being like you recognize this from
00:03:24
the game don't you it's in the movie and
00:03:26
this is from the game and it's in the
00:03:28
movie like there's bar even a story here
00:03:31
it's like the simplest weakest story
00:03:34
they could Cobble together as just a
00:03:35
vessel to push you to Jack Black
00:03:37
explaining Minecraft mechanics over and
00:03:40
over again and all the characters in the
00:03:42
movie don't really have any depth or
00:03:44
anything they're just like the flattest
00:03:46
characters you could possibly put in
00:03:48
here they're just learning about playing
00:03:50
Minecraft and not much else like there's
00:03:52
no real tension there's no real Stakes
00:03:56
at no point do you I can't imagine
00:03:58
anyone would feel invested in what's
00:04:01
happening and I know I've reached Unk
00:04:04
status where maybe I just don't
00:04:06
understand the appeal but the movie
00:04:08
tries so hard to be memeable even
00:04:11
outside of like the flint and steel type
00:04:13
[ __ ] there's like five musical numbers I
00:04:17
don't know maybe like four where Jack
00:04:19
Black has like four different songs all
00:04:21
of which feel like they're aimed to try
00:04:23
and get you know the kids up and out of
00:04:24
their seat dancing to the Minecraft
00:04:27
tracks and [ __ ] which
00:04:30
I I didn't really like it all like Jack
00:04:33
Black is Steve whatever I don't care
00:04:37
that much as long as like it was
00:04:39
entertaining I just don't think it was
00:04:41
Jack Black doesn't even really play a
00:04:43
character he doesn't really like he's
00:04:44
not Steve as stupid as that sounds he's
00:04:47
basically like your tutorial guide like
00:04:51
Jack Black in this film is the NPC that
00:04:54
would walk you through how to play
00:04:56
Minecraft if you booted that [ __ ] up
00:04:57
right now if they had like a Microsoft
00:04:58
clippy version of it that would be Jack
00:05:00
Black's character that's really all he
00:05:03
does in the film and then he has like a
00:05:05
couple of like I I believe supposed to
00:05:08
be self-aware silly lines such as first
00:05:11
we mine then we craft and [ __ ] like that
00:05:14
which whatever and the movie tries to
00:05:19
also be like you know with it so there's
00:05:23
a character named General
00:05:25
chungus and his whole stick is he is he
00:05:29
talks very wacky and he says at one
00:05:33
point uh really sorry but I'm going to
00:05:35
have to un alive you
00:05:37
now okay General chungus ha for as much
00:05:42
as I disliked this movie not having fun
00:05:45
watching it I know this film is going to
00:05:49
be extremely successful and I am beyond
00:05:51
confident that the Target demographic
00:05:54
children and like really huge Minecraft
00:05:56
enthusiasts are going to go ballistic
00:05:58
for it because they're not really
00:06:00
looking for a movie per se like a good
00:06:03
movie per se they just want they want to
00:06:05
see something that they love in a
00:06:07
different way and Minecraft movie does
00:06:09
offer that you do see Minecraft in a
00:06:12
different way and it takes the mechanics
00:06:14
and puts them in a movie and I know it's
00:06:18
going to be it's going to be really
00:06:19
hyped for a lot of people I am I am not
00:06:22
in that bucket that that was not hype
00:06:24
for me I wanted something fun to watch
00:06:28
like it has been proven many times in
00:06:30
recent memory that you can do really
00:06:33
good video game movies the Super Mario
00:06:36
Bros movie for
00:06:38
example I don't know why they wouldn't
00:06:40
follow suit there that was still very
00:06:43
true to the games while also being a
00:06:45
really good movie in its own right this
00:06:49
ruins the magic to a certain extent of
00:06:52
like
00:06:54
Mindcraft like there's nothing creative
00:06:57
about it they just take some humans and
00:06:59
ha hazly throw them into the Minecraft
00:07:00
world and also immediately in the intro
00:07:03
they just [ __ ] blast you with so much
00:07:06
Exposition and immediately just say like
00:07:08
and then they go to Minecraft now
00:07:10
they're in Minecraft it's like who
00:07:13
okay I feel like there was definitely a
00:07:15
more enjoyable way of getting to that
00:07:18
point now this movie does do something
00:07:20
really well I think and that's the
00:07:22
visuals of Minecraft like I actually
00:07:24
think all of the animation here with the
00:07:28
Minecraft characters the big bad even
00:07:32
the way that the characters fight each
00:07:34
other looks good like it actually looks
00:07:37
really good I thought the world looked
00:07:39
cool when it falls apart is when you
00:07:42
take liveaction people and you have to
00:07:45
Green Screen them into that world then
00:07:47
it just looks like [ __ ] which is one of
00:07:49
the huge critiques people had for all
00:07:51
the trailers because it looked really
00:07:54
lackluster sorry to say in the film
00:07:56
there is a lot of instances where it
00:07:57
looks really lackluster because of
00:08:00
having to just put them in front of a
00:08:01
green screen where they're running at
00:08:03
the screen while some Minecraft stuff is
00:08:06
happening behind them with flaming
00:08:07
arrows coming their way and [ __ ] that's
00:08:10
just lame feel like would have been
00:08:13
significantly more entertaining if it
00:08:15
had all just been in that style with no
00:08:17
liveaction I really think that would
00:08:19
have been a lot better and one other
00:08:21
thing I think is good and that I
00:08:24
appreciated is that I really felt that
00:08:27
Jack Black and Jay Mamoa really tried to
00:08:30
bring a special kind of flare to their
00:08:32
characters they didn't just phone it in
00:08:34
with a lazy performance and go through
00:08:36
the motions to me it felt like they
00:08:38
really did try to breathe life into it
00:08:41
and make it fun and for me it didn't
00:08:44
work cuz I just wasn't entertained by
00:08:46
the film but it's not for lack of trying
00:08:49
on their part but anyway yeah uh not the
00:08:52
worst video game movie that's ever been
00:08:54
made but definitely not a good one
00:08:58
either that's about it to y
