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[Music]
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[Applause]
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[Music]
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now I want you to picture a gumball
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machine imagine that machine has ovaries
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and the gumballs as eggs
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when a woman is born that gumball
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machine is full it has all the gumballs
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she'll never have for her entire life
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as she gets older that gumball supply
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starts to diminish and the leftover
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gumballs are getting a little stale by
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40 that supply is getting really low and
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by 40 for any stragglers left there well
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past their prime
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the chances of turning one of those
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gumballs into a baby even with in vitro
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fertilization is less than 2% now if
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you're an educated professional woman it
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was used to accomplishing anything she
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sets them to accomplish this news can
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come as quite a shock yes it Kim
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especially keep teeth good care of
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yourself and you know you think you
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still got into maybe your mattress 40 is
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the new 30 and all that yep but here's
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the thing your eggs don't subscribe to
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that motto they're not in there doing
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Botox
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yes No those legs are just sitting in
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that gumball machine aging the exact
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same way your great-grandmother's legs
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two men on the other hand are producing
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about two hundred and nineteen million
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fresh sperm every day so I had to do the
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math that's about 525 billion swimmers
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in a lifetime ironically men are still
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often the culprit when it comes to
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infertility I was dumbfounded when I
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heard all this names I mean my first
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thought was why didn't I know this
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why wasn't I taught this about fertility
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and sex ed class or from my family
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doctor with this countdown to double
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annihilation I learned some other
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surprising facts at the same time for
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the first time ever
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30-something women are having more
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babies than their 20-something
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counterparts that means young moms
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they're the outliers now if you're 40
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and you're thinking about having a
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family even in the distant future under
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40 Asians say if you're under 40 and
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thinking about having a family in the
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future you can stop on their own
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biological clock by freezing your eggs
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if you have the funds or you work for
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companies like Apple or Facebook or
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Google who offer this you can add here
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is extracted when they're fresh and dewy
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and you can put your little gumball on
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ice until you're ready to have kids for
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the first part of my life I followed the
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rules I was a good kid it was after
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university that I went a bit sideways
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when my friends were building careers
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are having the families that I was off I
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was traveling the world partying like a
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rock stars falling in and out of love
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and I was doing the whole host of jobs I
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was trying to find that thing
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that career that would define me that
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would make me as something I worked as a
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salesperson a property manager a retail
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furniture store manager an assistant
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librarian Anna marijuana grow up
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consultant
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at 32 though I finally found my calling
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I was passionate about interior design I
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loved it so everything else took a
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backseat as like solely focused on
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making a successful business out of it I
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had never really thought about my age
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before I mean why would I
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I don't really fight much about kids
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either I thought that they would fit
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into my future
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not as part of my present I got married
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at 40 to a guy's seven years different
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than me and snapped that was it I wanted
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them so I set out to have a family but I
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was clueless about fertility I knew only
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all the ways not to have one now I had
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to figure out
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I honestly thought my chances of having
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a kid were the same as the 25 volts I
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thought having a baby must be guarantee
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by no I mean even if I did have some
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sort of age-related problem I figured
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that all I had to do is throw money at
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it well I was in for a really steep
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learning curve
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what I discovered opened my eyes about
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the misconceptions regarding delayed
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childbirth that there is a huge
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conspiracy of silence about the
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challenges and there's a gap between
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what we perceive on the real event of
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Rome the same year we got married I had
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my first miscarriage we had told
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everyone who would listen that we were
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pregnant we prepped we planned talked
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about baby names we had the room ready
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and then we went for a routine
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ultrasound and found out there was no
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heartbeat
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oh listen he was switched chattering it
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was the first time I had to reflect on
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decisions I had made in my life I was no
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longer confident that my body was gonna
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do the right thing so I made an
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appointment and the fertility clinic I
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was already pregnant but I didn't know
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it yet so when I went in and then they
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gave me the test results that were
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positive I was like wow that was easy
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you guys are good
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I carried that pregnancy to term and I
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had a healthy baby boy from the first
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moment I held him in my arms oh I knew
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oh no I want another one
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any joy or accomplishment I have felt in
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business was nothing compared to this
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I was now 42 not so the comments started
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are you crazy you want another one
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you want to be the oldest moments soccer
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practice or you're going to be going
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into diapers when your kids are getting
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out of them secretly I thought oh just
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one more so we kept trying and the
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following April I got pregnant together
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we anxiously waited until those 12 weeks
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are up and then we told people the good
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news at 12 weeks and two days I have my
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second miscarriage all I could think
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about was the embarrassment of having to
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her not retract our announcement to
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people in November of the same year
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I've got pregnant again but before the
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year was over I would have my third
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miscarriage
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it sucks as much as the first two but at
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least this time we kept things totally
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under wraps so it was just my husband
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and I have a brief privately over the
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Christmas holidays with a new year
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brings new hope and the following
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February I thought oh this is it when I
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confirm my suspicions that I was
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pregnant together on my 44th birthday my
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present was my fourth miscarriage
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oh my grief was no twofold I was
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grieving the loss of the pregnancy and I
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was grieving the loss of my usefulness I
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wondered if I was gonna pay the ultimate
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price for inadvertently putting my
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career ahead of a family was it gonna
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end with failure or was my tenacity and
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risk tolerance that I learned in
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business gonna help me persevere either
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way a baby seemed like in
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a mountable feed I went back to the
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fertility clinic and despite being told
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the odds I want the in vitro know these
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were odds for a long shot like a
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Powerball lottery longshot I was told
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but to me a long shot was better than no
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shot the way IVF works is that you pump
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yourself up full of drugs by giving
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yourself Ramon injection every day oh
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yeah this causes a mood swings that any
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husband would find completely adorable
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Mike stood by while I laughed at things
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that were really sad and I tried it
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things were that that were funny oh and
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his favorite was my nightly left it
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cried at the same time for no reason
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so about through that after ten days
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they harvest your eggs and fertilize
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them with his sperm after that it's
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survival of the fittest the strongest
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one makes the cut and the rest are
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discarded or frozen incredibly I got
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pregnant with IVF on my first try an
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amazing part was is normally they
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harvest about six to twelve eggs but
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with me they could only find one and it
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took things were looking good
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we had a heartbeat we made it past the
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first round the testing we felt
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confident enough to tell people the good
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news then we went for more tests and
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found out there was chromosomal issues
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before we had time to react the
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heartbeat vanished and that was that the
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miracle baby turned into miscarriage
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number five let me tell you thinking
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that you're pregnant one minute and
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finding out that you're not the next is
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a real mindfuck it's like you're trying
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to process the news but you can't
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because your body still feels pregnant
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you're tired you're puffy your boobs
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still hurt it's all you can do just to
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try to figure out how to grieve the hope
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a baby you don't feel titled to breathe
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openly that's for sure you think that
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this would be the end of the road you
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really would but no there was no
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stopping me now I was like chasing the
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dragon how did you did that baby fix it
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was turning out to be the biggest
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challenge of my entire life
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so now I decided to go with an egg donor
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room
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I'll let me tell you this is surreal if
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you go online shopping for what you hope
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will be your next annoying teenager for
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anonymity you click through pictures of
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potential donors as children I was told
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that the good eggs go fast so when you
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find one you like you have to put it in
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a shopping cart
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then you click you click checkout and
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pay and they send it in the mail as it
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would I feel like I was doing some
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jeweler in the black market I swear this
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was totally legit for my husband the egg
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donor was the limit he didn't want to
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look at little girls and Christmas
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dresses to find out who's gonna be
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having his next childhood
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no you just left out firm to me so I
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picked one I went through the whole drug
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prep again but I figured once they've
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impregnated me that means on that last
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step I went for the implantation that
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was easy it went well
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I waited for the call no days how could
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this be possible when the getting
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pregnant part wasn't even my issue I had
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never felt like I'd accepted defeat
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before but I knew this was it I'm now 45
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I'm five miscarriages deep I wouldn't
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even be able to calculate the odds but I
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know that they're way less than 1% we
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had invested over fifty thousand dollars
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I was physically and mentally exhausted
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and my husband well he was done he
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gently told me we had to let it go
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I knew we did but I couldn't because I
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just had this profound feeling of
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failure with that said I couldn't fear
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it anyway to move forward so I gave
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myself one month I wallow work through
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it and I would put the whole thing
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behind me and I'd move on then I got a
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surprise call from the clinic it turns
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out that my donor was showing a very low
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rate of return what this is normally
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conversation that I would have over
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financial adviser
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this is a business and this is how they
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talk so they were suggesting that I did
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it do-over they would pay most of the
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costs and pay for the egg donor they
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would just have a few costs I feel like
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I was even being given like this next
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lottery ticket I told my husband and he
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was like really really oh but he did try
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to talk me out of it no I went through
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the whole procedure again I went online
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and did the drugs I scheduled the
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implantation baby three days before that
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day arrived somewhere somebody in the
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world was having a miscarriage with my
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same donor egg I would have to wait
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until they did an autopsy on the fetus
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to rule out genetic issues another
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waiting game three weeks later we got
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the obviously er we're good to go
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did the whole hormone travelling role
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again or at least I was trying to but I
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had to wait for my period to common it
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just wouldn't come so I called the
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clinic to explain my predicament
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the receptionist she told me I should
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take a pregnancy test first seriously I
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was like what is this some sort of like
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fertility clinic joke I felt like
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punching her in the face you know
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I couldn't believe I casually do this
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pee test and I look at it have my eyes
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bug out of my head and not because I'm
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ecstatic no no I am way too scarred and
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jaded to be the least bit excited what
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I'm thinking is holy [ __ ] now I have to
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have a whole miscarriage again before
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they can even find this stupid donor egg
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but I didn't have a miscarriage at 3-6 I
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naturally had my second beautiful baby
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boy
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[Applause]
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it is the life weird I mean a freak
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Tillett II clinics term for a natural
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pregnancy is a spontaneous one well I
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thought this was hilarious as if
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anything about my pregnancy ended
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spontaneously
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I just thought through six years seven
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pregnancies five miscarriages a round of
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in the vitro two donor eggs and a couple
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of lucky rules of the dice to win this
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baby lively so today there isn't no
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longer just one window or one way to
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have kids but that doesn't mean it's
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easy many women are going to risk using
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to have kids later in life for the hope
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of having at all IVF is now a common
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fertility treatment and more kids are
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being hatched with donor eggs or
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surrogates every day it's equal
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opportunity you can be gay straight
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single married as the price of freezing
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eggs come down and more businesses are
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gonna offer it it gives window women a
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much wider window of opportunity to
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start a career before the family but
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despite all this there's a huge taboo
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that exists around talking about this
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stuff many women aren't comfortable
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telling anybody even close friends and
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families what they went through I talked
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to a fertility doctor who's waiting room
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is jammed with women like me and she
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told me that most of our patients are
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reticent to talk openly they're ecstatic
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with the results but they're still only
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willing to do an anonymous online review
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doesn't that seem kind of crazy I mean I
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for one I'd like to see that change we
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need to start sharing our stories all of
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them it's true I wouldn't be standing
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here if I hadn't beat the odds but I am
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here and I'm baring my soul because
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along the way
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some valuable insights the more were
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able to talk openly about our experience
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the more comfortable will be people will
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be with the challenges that we face
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whether its assistance with conceiving
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having a miscarriage or maybe five it's
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not something to be ashamed of it's part
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of the journey and you're not alone the
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more we understand about fertility the
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more we can make timely informed choices
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even if your choice is not to have kids
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but if you have any inkling any at all
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then you might want them in the future
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educate yourself because nobody is gonna
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do it for you we should be teaching
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fertility and adolescence and continue
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in adulthood not everyone wins but there
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are lots of ways of increasing your odds
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your odds at winning that lottery with
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the ultimate price thank
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[Applause]
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[Applause]
