00:00:00
all right so here's the problem
00:00:01
everyone's obsessed with red flags right
00:00:03
narcissism avoidance gaslighting is my
00:00:05
partner secretly manipulating me and I
00:00:07
get it we have to protect ourselves the
00:00:09
last thing I would ever want is for you
00:00:11
to get into a relationship with someone
00:00:13
who eventually neglects or takes
00:00:15
advantage of you but here's the issue
00:00:16
actually there's two issues one the
00:00:18
absence of red flags doesn't mean the
00:00:20
presence of green ones and two
00:00:22
especially when we're dating there
00:00:24
aren't going to be very many red flags
00:00:26
at first because we're all in our best
00:00:28
behavior especially a narcissist so then
00:00:31
what's the solution the solution is yes
00:00:33
absolutely learn about red flags learn
00:00:35
about what shouldn't be present but just
00:00:38
as important also identify what should
00:00:41
be present what green flags you should
00:00:43
look for in a partner because once you
00:00:44
truly understand green flags it's so
00:00:47
much easier to spot red ones and that's
00:00:49
not always the case the other way around
00:00:51
just because someone isn't a narcissist
00:00:53
doesn't mean they are a good partner for
00:00:56
you in fact according to the experts who
00:00:58
deal with spotting counterfeit money
00:01:00
they even admit they don't waste a lot
00:01:02
of time learning about all the fake
00:01:04
bills out there they spend all their
00:01:05
time studying their real ones the way
00:01:08
they feel the way they look the details
00:01:09
that others would miss they learn about
00:01:11
what real actually looks like and then
00:01:13
it's so much easier to spot a fake and
00:01:16
that's my hope for you if you learn
00:01:18
about what real love looks and feels
00:01:19
like if you learn about what you deserve
00:01:22
kindness mutual respect reciprocation
00:01:24
emotional safety it's much easier to
00:01:27
spot the fake versions of those it's
00:01:30
actually counterproductive to spend a
00:01:31
whole lot of time analyzing is this
00:01:33
person a narcissist because even if
00:01:35
you're asking that question this isn't
00:01:38
the right person for you because they
00:01:39
don't have the green flags that you know
00:01:41
you deserve in this relationship it
00:01:43
doesn't matter if they're a covert
00:01:45
narcissist or if they have avoidant
00:01:46
attachment or if they're just a jerk
00:01:48
they clearly don't care about a healthy
00:01:50
relationship with you and that's all
00:01:53
that matters if you forget everything I
00:01:54
say in this video remember this the
00:01:57
largest green flag for your relationship
00:02:00
is how do they make you feel do you feel
00:02:02
safe around them do you feel prioritized
00:02:04
and respected is there consistency or
00:02:07
are they hot and cold because that would
00:02:09
make anyone feel anxious do they
00:02:11
reciprocate the effort you're putting in
00:02:13
are you scared to be honest with them
00:02:15
about how you're actually feeling or how
00:02:17
about this one are you confused about
00:02:18
where you stand with them even after
00:02:20
months of being together because that's
00:02:22
your answer of where you stand with them
00:02:24
someone who sees you as valuable and
00:02:26
wants this relationship to work will put
00:02:28
in the time and effort and it will be
00:02:31
evident we all prioritize what we value
00:02:34
right no relationship is perfect but I
00:02:36
promise you if things don't start out
00:02:38
healthy marriage doesn't fix that I
00:02:40
don't need you to have a perfect
00:02:41
relationship I just need you to have a
00:02:42
mutually respectful one I need you to
00:02:44
have a safe relationship I need you to
00:02:47
have a relationship where you both care
00:02:48
how each other feels loved and valued
00:02:51
there's nothing that we can do to
00:02:52
control every variable to make sure that
00:02:54
our relationships work but what we can
00:02:57
do is set ourselves up for the best
00:02:58
chance of success by becoming the right
00:03:00
type of person and picking the right
00:03:02
type of person so let's talk about what
00:03:04
that looks like all right let's start
00:03:05
this list already let me know in the
00:03:07
comments what I forgot to add all right
00:03:08
number one don't get serious with anyone
00:03:11
who hates dogs right I mean those people
00:03:14
just tend to be weirdos all right that
00:03:16
was just a joke I was just seeing if you
00:03:18
were all still paying attention seems
00:03:19
like you are so we can move on to the
00:03:21
real list number one is always going to
00:03:23
be communication when you meet someone
00:03:25
of course it's physical attraction that
00:03:27
you notice first but it's how you
00:03:29
communicate and interact together that's
00:03:31
going to make you either want to
00:03:32
continue seeing them or move on to
00:03:34
someone else right it's a green flag if
00:03:36
they can actually listen to you and take
00:03:38
an interest in what you're saying and
00:03:39
ask some appropriate questions it's a
00:03:41
red flag when they turn everything back
00:03:43
to being about them I think we can all
00:03:45
agree humor is a green flag are they
00:03:47
able to make jokes without coming across
00:03:49
as rude are they only making jokes about
00:03:51
you or are they giving themselves a hard
00:03:53
time too because too many people can
00:03:54
dish it out but not take it right
00:03:57
another great trick is to listen to how
00:03:58
they argue with other people listen to
00:04:00
how they disagree with people about
00:04:01
politics or religion or other things
00:04:03
that they're passionate about can they
00:04:05
do it with respect can they allow
00:04:07
someone else to hold a different
00:04:09
Viewpoint or perspective without
00:04:10
dismissing or invalidating them that's
00:04:12
going to give you a big clue for how
00:04:13
they're going to handle important
00:04:14
conflicts with you one day I think it's
00:04:16
a green flag that once you start to get
00:04:18
more serious you can talk about
00:04:19
important issues together ask how long
00:04:21
they normally see someone before they
00:04:23
make things official and only date that
00:04:25
one person ask them what annoys them the
00:04:27
most about how other people handle
00:04:29
conflict what did they fight most about
00:04:31
in their last relationship ask them
00:04:33
about what respect looks like to them
00:04:35
ask them about what it looks like for
00:04:37
someone to Value them ask them about any
00:04:39
boundaries that are important to them we
00:04:41
think having these hard talks early on
00:04:43
might lead to disconnection right but
00:04:45
it's actually the other way around
00:04:46
having these talks and setting a
00:04:48
standard for how you both want to be
00:04:49
treated and how you want to talk to each
00:04:51
other especially during a conflict is
00:04:53
exactly what prevents disconnection
00:04:56
later on if you're worried that talking
00:04:57
about your boundaries with someone is
00:04:59
going to turn them off that's not your
00:05:01
person no one is going to set a standard
00:05:03
for how you should be treated that's
00:05:05
your job all right number two when they
00:05:07
see a dog approach them do they get
00:05:09
excited or do they have this look of
00:05:10
like disgust what's that I'm being told
00:05:14
we've already discussed this okay I'm so
00:05:16
sorry I'll move on number two everyone
00:05:17
says narcissists are going to trick you
00:05:19
in the beginning which is true but here
00:05:20
are a few areas narcissists really
00:05:23
struggle faking one of the green flags I
00:05:25
want you to see in any new partner is
00:05:27
accountability can they admit when
00:05:29
they've made a mistake can they say the
00:05:30
words I'm sorry that's a green flag you
00:05:33
need to see and I get it in the
00:05:34
beginning there's not going to be a lot
00:05:35
to apologize for hopefully so we forget
00:05:38
to pay attention to this but have you
00:05:39
ever heard them say I'm sorry to anyone
00:05:42
not I'm sorry you feel that way not I'm
00:05:43
sorry you took it that way how about I'm
00:05:46
sorry I hurt you that wasn't my
00:05:47
intention but I care about how my words
00:05:49
and actions affect you can we talk about
00:05:52
this because everyone messes up mature
00:05:54
people learn and grow from their
00:05:55
mistakes immature people always find a
00:05:57
way to blame someone else so they don't
00:05:59
don't have to reflect or change right
00:06:01
now the other side of that coin is when
00:06:03
some people get called out they develop
00:06:05
this attitude of wo is me oh I'm just
00:06:07
the worst why would anyone want to be
00:06:09
with me you should just leave me and be
00:06:10
with someone else that's not humility
00:06:12
accountability or maturity either that
00:06:15
doesn't make them a bad person but it's
00:06:17
a sign that there's some healing that
00:06:18
needs to take place because you can be
00:06:20
prideful and never admit you're capable
00:06:22
of making a mistake or you can be
00:06:24
shameful and think you are a mistake
00:06:26
neither of those actually repair the
00:06:28
hurt or rebuild Trust with your partner
00:06:30
the other thing a narcissist doesn't
00:06:31
fake well is empathy it's a green flag
00:06:33
when someone attempts to step into your
00:06:35
shoes and actually tries to understand
00:06:37
what you're experiencing while
00:06:38
validating your experiences and feelings
00:06:40
as real a narcissist has no intention on
00:06:43
doing that the truth is empathy plays a
00:06:45
massive role in whether your
00:06:46
relationship makes it or not at the
00:06:48
center of most of our issues is distance
00:06:50
and disconnection due to a lack of
00:06:52
empathy from one or both Partners
00:06:54
empathy gets curious empathy seeks to
00:06:57
understand by asking questions and it's
00:06:59
especially hard to ask questions about a
00:07:00
hurt that you might have caused tell me
00:07:03
about what led you to feel that way what
00:07:04
meaning did you give that what do you
00:07:07
need from me to repair this and feel
00:07:09
close again there's a big difference
00:07:10
between fake empathy someone saying yeah
00:07:12
I know what you're going through and
00:07:13
real empathy I don't know what you're
00:07:15
going through but I can see that you're
00:07:17
in pain and that matters to me I'm right
00:07:19
here I'm willing to talk whenever you're
00:07:21
ready and I hope you feel supported and
00:07:22
loved throughout this another thing a
00:07:24
narcissist rarely fakes is actual
00:07:26
vulnerability can they talk about their
00:07:28
fears can they talk about their needs
00:07:30
wants and desires can they talk about
00:07:32
their insecurities and flaws that they
00:07:34
want to improve upon rarely have I ever
00:07:36
heard of a true narcissist having any
00:07:38
desire to connect with themselves or
00:07:40
share in that way I'm not saying you
00:07:42
need to Bear your heart on the first few
00:07:44
dates of course that type of oversharing
00:07:46
can be unattractive but if you're
00:07:47
getting serious with someone it's a
00:07:49
green flag when you can both actually be
00:07:50
vulnerable and honest with each other
00:07:52
about your inner world the last green
00:07:54
flag that a narcissist really struggles
00:07:55
faking is that they will never celebrate
00:07:57
your wins when you get that promote when
00:07:59
you achieve that goal it's a green flag
00:08:01
when someone can give you admiration and
00:08:03
praise they can say I'm so happy for you
00:08:05
you worked so hard you deserve this it's
00:08:07
a red flag when someone says great job
00:08:09
but you would have never been able to
00:08:11
accomplish that without me and my help
00:08:14
people who say that kind of stuff are so
00:08:15
insecure on the inside they have created
00:08:17
this fantasy world and they project
00:08:19
their insecurities onto you because
00:08:20
their entire world would come crashing
00:08:22
down if anyone else was deserving of
00:08:25
Praise And if you grew up hearing
00:08:26
something like that my heart truly
00:08:29
breaks for you if you had a narcissistic
00:08:30
parent like that I hope you realize that
00:08:32
that had nothing to do with you and
00:08:34
everything to do with their own shame
00:08:36
and guilt and fear on the inside of them
00:08:39
all right number three if they do hate
00:08:40
dogs there needs to be some sort of a
00:08:42
story around that did they have a
00:08:44
traumatic experience when they were
00:08:45
young that's forgivable and
00:08:47
understandable but let's work through
00:08:49
that healing and face our fears so we
00:08:50
don't miss out on interacting with one
00:08:52
of the world's most lovable creatures
00:08:55
right right also it's a green flag if
00:08:58
they have a growth mindset and I don't
00:08:59
mean just for their job which is really
00:09:01
important in itself that they're willing
00:09:03
to work if they're able I just mean do
00:09:05
they care about growing as a person all
00:09:07
this research that I'm doing about
00:09:08
relationship Dynamics do you know one of
00:09:09
the largest roadblocks that I keep
00:09:11
seeing people aren't self-aware they
00:09:14
aren't emotionally maturing they have no
00:09:16
capacity or desire for self-reflection
00:09:18
which is essential if we actually want
00:09:20
to connect and experience intimacy and
00:09:22
closeness with another person I mean
00:09:24
think about it if you don't value your
00:09:25
own awareness and connecting with
00:09:27
yourself you're really going to struggle
00:09:29
staying connected to someone else and I
00:09:31
know because that was me if you have a
00:09:33
habit of dismissing your own feelings
00:09:35
and needs of course it makes sense by
00:09:37
during conflict you dismiss their
00:09:39
feelings and needs as well the only
00:09:41
problem is that's the fastest way
00:09:42
towards disconnection so how do we
00:09:44
become aware we intentionally start
00:09:46
paying attention to what we're feeling
00:09:48
we look into our conflicts we reflect in
00:09:50
those difficult moments and ask
00:09:52
questions it seems like I got really
00:09:54
defensive back there I wonder why we
00:09:56
check in with ourselves something's
00:09:58
going on I'm a upset do I feel
00:10:00
overlooked blamed neglected
00:10:02
unappreciated what happened to lead me
00:10:04
to feel that way and how did I express
00:10:06
that did I get passive aggressive and
00:10:08
critical did I shut down and pull away
00:10:10
what did I actually need in that moment
00:10:12
that I wasn't getting and did I actually
00:10:14
communicate that to my partner or was I
00:10:16
too afraid that it would just lead to
00:10:18
another fight we can all struggle with
00:10:20
this stuff it can feel very foreign but
00:10:22
when we don't understand our own
00:10:24
feelings and emotions we don't have the
00:10:27
capacity to understand our partners
00:10:29
either and if we dismiss and push our
00:10:31
own feelings away we will push theirs
00:10:33
away too and that will lead them to
00:10:35
feeling very alone we need to be mature
00:10:37
enough to look into our own destructive
00:10:38
defaults that we all have like contempt
00:10:41
having a superior attitude or yelling or
00:10:44
defensiveness or name calling or
00:10:45
invalidation or shutting down or even
00:10:47
being passive aggressive if we don't at
00:10:49
least bare minimum pay attention and
00:10:51
take accountability for our own faults
00:10:54
and admit these aren't actually working
00:10:56
they're not helping anything then of
00:10:57
course we're just going to repeat them
00:10:59
over time it's a green flag when you're
00:11:01
dating someone who is actually
00:11:02
interested in becoming a better version
00:11:04
of themselves again this isn't about
00:11:06
perfection it's simply an
00:11:08
acknowledgement if you hurt your partner
00:11:10
with your mouth with your words if you
00:11:12
avoid and shut down then you have
00:11:14
something you need to change as we all
00:11:16
do I'm not saying you're broken or
00:11:18
flawed but I am saying if you want this
00:11:20
relationship to be mutually fulfilling
00:11:22
you need to learn a new strategy because
00:11:24
this one isn't working it's a massive
00:11:26
green flag for both of you to become
00:11:28
safe places where you other can learn
00:11:29
about how to identify and express
00:11:31
feelings and needs most of us did not
00:11:33
grow up in safe environments where we
00:11:35
were able to do that but what happened
00:11:37
to us isn't our fault healing from it is
00:11:39
our responsibility right so become
00:11:42
someone safe that your partner can share
00:11:44
with now here's the disclaimer of course
00:11:46
we have to be careful I'm not saying
00:11:48
your relationship should just be full of
00:11:50
complaints that's why Dr John godman
00:11:52
says that we should be aiming for a 15:1
00:11:55
ratio in your relationship 15 positive
00:11:58
interactions of effect affection and
00:11:59
admiration and appreciation smiles hugs
00:12:02
jokes laughs to every one negative
00:12:05
interaction but this is so important the
00:12:07
goal isn't to get rid of the negative
00:12:09
the negative emotion is still super
00:12:11
important and when our partner expresses
00:12:13
a negative emotion vulnerably and
00:12:15
respectfully let's work to see the hurt
00:12:17
underneath that complaint and the unmet
00:12:19
need under their frustration it's a
00:12:21
green flag when someone asks questions
00:12:23
about your experience or your feelings
00:12:26
instead of just dismissing or defending
00:12:28
or inval validating it's a green flag
00:12:30
when someone validates what you're going
00:12:32
through as real even if they don't agree
00:12:34
with all the details they can still take
00:12:36
accountability I'm not saying that
00:12:38
apologize for things that you didn't do
00:12:40
I'm not saying validate accusations that
00:12:43
aren't true but are you willing to take
00:12:45
accountability for any unintentional
00:12:47
hurt what that sounds like is I'm so
00:12:50
sorry I can see how when I told that
00:12:52
joke about you at the party that really
00:12:54
hurt you and you felt rejected that was
00:12:57
wrong thank you for telling me how you
00:12:59
feel and then we change accordingly
00:13:01
because the best apology is changed
00:13:03
Behavior lastly how you manage conflict
00:13:05
is often times going to be the
00:13:06
determining factor of whether your
00:13:08
relationship thrives or dies so learn
00:13:10
how to do it respectfully right off the
00:13:12
bat trust me when I say it's worth the
00:13:15
risk of discomfort to be honest about
00:13:17
your boundaries because conflict is
00:13:18
either going to build trust and
00:13:19
connection or it's going to break it it
00:13:21
all depends on how you both handle it
00:13:24
together number four it's not a red flag
00:13:26
if someone doesn't like cats cats are
00:13:28
very self-centered they really don't
00:13:29
care about anyone but themselves I'm not
00:13:31
saying we should be mean to them I'm
00:13:32
just saying if narcissism was an animal
00:13:35
it would probably be a cat what's that
00:13:38
I'm being told they're all done with
00:13:39
this joke okay we're going to move on
00:13:41
another green flag is do they see you as
00:13:42
an equal because if they do there
00:13:44
shouldn't be any dominance in this
00:13:45
relationship you never deserve for
00:13:47
someone to speak down to you or call you
00:13:49
names or touch you when you don't want
00:13:50
to be touched dominant people have no
00:13:52
issue looking down their nose at you and
00:13:54
making those critical and disrespectful
00:13:57
comments towards you but they would
00:13:59
never tolerate that same behavior from
00:14:01
you would they that's the things that
00:14:02
you need to be paying attention to the
00:14:04
moment that your partner or anyone talks
00:14:06
to you like that and you think man I
00:14:07
would never get away with this that's a
00:14:09
red flag as in a stop sign that needs to
00:14:12
be addressed before it becomes a pattern
00:14:14
so often we stay silent because maybe
00:14:16
the trauma that we endured early in our
00:14:18
life we have fallen into a submissive
00:14:20
role where you feel like you don't know
00:14:22
how to stand up for your needs and you
00:14:23
don't know how to set boundaries with
00:14:25
dominant people and I can completely
00:14:27
understand how scary that is I'm just
00:14:28
here to remind you there is no place for
00:14:30
dominance or disrespect or superiority
00:14:32
in relationships it only has one
00:14:34
destination and it's not happily ever
00:14:36
after you deserve someone who cares
00:14:38
about respecting your boundaries and if
00:14:40
you feel scared to set boundaries or be
00:14:42
honest about how you're actually feeling
00:14:44
I would strongly encourage you to speak
00:14:46
to a professional about that the truth
00:14:47
is mutual respect is essential that
00:14:50
means treating the other person the way
00:14:51
you would like to be treated as well
00:14:53
like you're valuable and worthy of
00:14:55
kindness and consideration because you
00:14:57
are we respect our partner by learning
00:14:59
about them what are their preferences
00:15:01
and values what do they need to feel
00:15:03
close and loved in this relationship
00:15:05
what are their boundaries around
00:15:06
sexuality conflict in-laws work
00:15:09
self-centered people never think about
00:15:11
asking any of those questions but
00:15:13
self-centeredness and love don't coexist
00:15:15
it's a green flag when each partner
00:15:17
actually has a desire to feel like a
00:15:19
team in this relationship and teamwork
00:15:21
demands that we talk about things like
00:15:23
the domestic labor and the mutual chores
00:15:25
it's a green flag when we can check in
00:15:27
with each other hey how are your stress
00:15:28
level do you feel overwhelmed would you
00:15:31
even be able to come to me if you felt
00:15:33
neglected or overlooked I mean you want
00:15:34
to talk about the ultimate green flag
00:15:36
that's being humble enough to invite
00:15:38
your partner to be honest about how they
00:15:40
actually feel even if it causes some
00:15:43
discomfort in you and I'm not saying
00:15:45
that this gives them a license to lash
00:15:47
out at you or this is an opportunity to
00:15:49
put them down no I'm saying when you're
00:15:51
humble and considerate enough to ask
00:15:52
those questions because you truly want
00:15:54
to be a safe place for each other that
00:15:56
should calm their nervous system if it
00:15:58
does and they're still taking advantage
00:16:00
of you that's when you need to speak to
00:16:02
a professional if you actually want this
00:16:04
relationship to continue and the last
00:16:05
thing I want to say about respect is
00:16:07
it's a green flag when you see them
00:16:08
respecting strangers how do they treat
00:16:11
people who can do nothing for them how
00:16:13
do they respect their parents their
00:16:15
siblings their exes if all they talk
00:16:17
about is how terrible their exes were
00:16:19
and they don't take any accountability
00:16:20
for how those relationships were toxic
00:16:22
or immature guess what you can just
00:16:25
replace their name with your name
00:16:26
because that's exactly how they're going
00:16:27
to talk about you one day that's why I
00:16:29
always say you need to be talking about
00:16:31
your boundaries and needs early on
00:16:32
that's the best narcissist prevention
00:16:34
because a narcissist hates the idea of
00:16:36
you being assertive about your needs and
00:16:38
desires all they care about is control
00:16:40
if you can't be controlled they will
00:16:42
move on which will sting in the moment
00:16:44
but it's going to be a blessing in the
00:16:45
long run so don't be afraid to talk
00:16:47
about your boundaries respectfully the
00:16:50
only people that punish you for that
00:16:51
were the people that were planning to
00:16:53
take advantage of you okay number five
00:16:55
are they trustworthy just like dogs are
00:16:57
you thought I was done with the dog
00:16:58
thing but I'm not okay I'm committed to
00:17:00
this bit all right I'll stop but you're
00:17:03
going to be disappointed when I don't
00:17:04
say anything for number six that's on
00:17:05
all you I got to be honest with you
00:17:07
trustworthiness probably should have
00:17:08
been number one I uh I'm sorry about
00:17:10
that I just thought of it so if you
00:17:12
could pretend that that's higher on the
00:17:14
list that would be great so what makes
00:17:15
someone trustworthy first they follow
00:17:17
through on what they said they were
00:17:18
going to do their actions match their
00:17:21
words they are reliable and if something
00:17:23
happens if they make a mistake they
00:17:24
forget of course we're all human they
00:17:27
own it they don't immediately blame
00:17:29
everyone else or everything else they
00:17:30
apologize and they move on with some
00:17:32
sort of a plan or communication for how
00:17:34
they're going to learn and grow from
00:17:35
this experience that's called maturity
00:17:37
two are they honest and transparent that
00:17:40
doesn't mean they tell you every detail
00:17:41
about their life it just means they
00:17:43
aren't purposefully hiding things from
00:17:45
you trustworthy people have integrity
00:17:47
that means doing the right thing even
00:17:48
when no one's watching you if your
00:17:50
Spidey senses are tingling and this new
00:17:52
person seems like they're consistently
00:17:54
lying or deceiving you or something's
00:17:56
off you're probably right the truth is
00:17:58
Trust isn't simply confidence that
00:18:00
someone won't cheat it's the foundation
00:18:02
of a healthy relationship that
00:18:04
everything else rests on trust is
00:18:06
actually a sense of Safety and Security
00:18:09
that this person cares if I need them if
00:18:12
I can reach for them they will be there
00:18:14
for me they show up I know that I matter
00:18:16
to them so the million-dollar question
00:18:19
is do you trust them it's a massive
00:18:21
green flag when you're with someone who
00:18:22
actually cares about building trust in
00:18:24
this relationship because that means
00:18:26
showing up and putting in the work it
00:18:28
builds trust when we care enough to ask
00:18:30
is there anything I can do for you this
00:18:31
week that can help you feel valued and
00:18:33
prioritized because most of us have
00:18:35
never heard that but that's what love
00:18:37
actually sounds like it sounds like
00:18:39
intentionality and curiosity and effort
00:18:42
and let me be clear I'm not saying that
00:18:43
people should say this from a place of
00:18:45
anxiety or fear like constantly checking
00:18:47
in is everything okay do you still like
00:18:49
me please don't leave I'll do anything
00:18:51
of course that would be a turnoff for
00:18:52
anyone that's not maturity or love I'm
00:18:55
just saying that when you care about
00:18:56
someone check in with them reassure them
00:18:58
hey if you need something if you feel
00:19:00
like something's off I want to be a safe
00:19:02
place where you can share that that's
00:19:03
what builds trust over time
00:19:05
intentionality Mutual sacrifice mutual
00:19:07
respect consideration affection
00:19:09
attention safety vulnerability putting
00:19:11
in the work of selflessness and
00:19:13
emotional connection together this is
00:19:15
what makes your bond strong ignoring
00:19:17
this stuff just weakens your bond and
00:19:19
you'll wonder why years later people say
00:19:21
we just fell out of love no they didn't
00:19:23
fall out of love they never actually had
00:19:25
love they had chemistry they had passion
00:19:27
they might have had a trauma Bond they
00:19:28
had had the bedroom they didn't have
00:19:30
trust or safety I promise you they never
00:19:33
built their relationship house on a
00:19:35
strong Foundation spending a lot of
00:19:37
years together doesn't result in
00:19:38
connection does it that's because it
00:19:40
requires something from each of you it
00:19:42
requires protecting against and
00:19:44
repairing disconnection which happens
00:19:46
all the time in our relationships all
00:19:48
right number six is Independence now
00:19:49
it's normal in the beginning we all want
00:19:51
them to be obsessed with us right but
00:19:53
it's actually very attractive when they
00:19:55
don't make you the center of their
00:19:56
universe and vice versa I mean just
00:19:58
think about everybody's so concerned
00:19:59
with narcissists right one of the first
00:20:01
tells of a narcissist is them love
00:20:03
bombing you showering you with attention
00:20:05
and love and praise telling you they've
00:20:07
never felt this way about anyone right
00:20:09
twin flames all while slowly isolating
00:20:12
you from your friends and family but if
00:20:14
you really cared about avoiding a
00:20:16
narcissist then you would slow down in
00:20:18
the beginning and maintain your life
00:20:20
outside of this person I'm not saying
00:20:22
don't see each other I'm saying it's a
00:20:23
green flag when you can both maintain a
00:20:25
life separate from each other at first
00:20:27
have a great time together sure but I
00:20:28
have a tendency to throw on my
00:20:30
rose-colored glasses and fall in love
00:20:32
quick so if that's you you probably need
00:20:34
to slow down and make sure that you're
00:20:35
not making them the center of your
00:20:37
Universe it's also a green flag when you
00:20:39
can see that they have other healthy
00:20:40
relationships outside of this one do
00:20:42
they have healthy friendships how do
00:20:44
people at work talk about them do you
00:20:46
feel comfortable around their friends
00:20:48
because I've seen those alpha male
00:20:49
videos where they teach guys how to
00:20:51
ignore girls so that they'll like them
00:20:53
they aren't allowed to initiate they
00:20:55
never give a compliment they play these
00:20:57
games where they're very dist they never
00:20:59
text you because that's what they were
00:21:00
told makes you want them more this is
00:21:02
manipulation and it's called being an
00:21:04
a-hole and it does work with some women
00:21:07
but it's usually unhealed people who
00:21:09
have had some trauma in their life and
00:21:10
they're used to chasing people for
00:21:12
external validation of their own worth
00:21:13
and value so congratulations you
00:21:15
triggered her abandonment wound to get
00:21:17
her to sleep with you what a great
00:21:18
example of a real man you are not to
00:21:20
mention that all of these alpha males
00:21:22
never have consistent stable
00:21:24
relationships because being an a-hole
00:21:26
might attract women it doesn't keep them
00:21:28
all right moving on I think it's a green
00:21:30
flag when a person you're dating has
00:21:32
purpose in their life they're driven
00:21:34
towards some sort of a goal right
00:21:36
they're already a well-rounded
00:21:37
individual they aren't looking for you
00:21:39
to save them it's attractive when
00:21:41
someone doesn't actually need us even
00:21:43
though that seems counterintuitive that
00:21:44
doesn't mean they don't want you in
00:21:46
their life but they don't need you to be
00:21:48
happy now of course this can get tricky
00:21:50
because some people are so driven they
00:21:52
prioritize work and hobbies above
00:21:54
everything else and it slowly becomes
00:21:56
clear that they don't actually want or
00:21:57
have time for for a real relationship
00:22:00
where they need to put in the effort
00:22:01
that connection requires so that's just
00:22:03
something that you'll have to decide on
00:22:04
your own all right number seven let's
00:22:06
talk about some green flags around
00:22:07
personality everybody's personality is
00:22:09
different I get that but when it comes
00:22:11
to dating I think it's a green flag when
00:22:13
they are flexible in nature that they
00:22:15
can compromise I think it's super
00:22:17
important to pay attention to how rigid
00:22:19
people are I'm not saying they're wrong
00:22:20
to freak out when plans change I'm not
00:22:22
saying that they're a bad person when
00:22:24
things don't go exactly the way that
00:22:25
they wanted to there's a lot of people
00:22:27
who are neurodiverse ENT and they can't
00:22:29
help it but it's still something that we
00:22:31
need to pay attention to because it
00:22:32
might not be a good fit for you for me
00:22:34
it's a green flag when someone has an
00:22:35
attitude of gratitude do they tend to
00:22:38
look out for things to be grateful for
00:22:39
or do they tend to filter through the
00:22:41
negative do they appreciate life or are
00:22:44
they just so stressed that they can't go
00:22:45
a few minutes without complaining I
00:22:47
think it's a green flag when someone's
00:22:49
intentionally appreciative they go out
00:22:50
of their way to offer encouragement
00:22:52
they're supportive they're generous
00:22:53
they're thoughtful you told them about
00:22:55
your job interview tomorrow so they
00:22:57
texted you an hour before and said said
00:22:58
hey you're going to knock it out of the
00:23:00
park I'm really proud of you babe these
00:23:01
are the little things that people fall
00:23:03
in love with these are the little
00:23:05
moments that build the most trust and
00:23:06
help us feel loved and supported it's
00:23:08
greeting them at the door giving them a
00:23:10
hug goodbye it's playfulness it's your
00:23:12
humor it's having fun together it's
00:23:14
intentionally setting aside time to
00:23:16
reconnect through talking and touching
00:23:18
and doing something with them doing the
00:23:21
dishes so they don't feel like it's
00:23:22
always their responsibility learning
00:23:24
about their dreams and desires and needs
00:23:27
this isn't the extra stuff this isn't
00:23:28
going above and beyond the experts all
00:23:30
agree these are the essentials the
00:23:33
bottom line is who you choose to be in a
00:23:34
serious relationship with and who you
00:23:36
choose to give your body to and who you
00:23:37
choose to marry and have kids with is a
00:23:40
really big deal and even though I've
00:23:41
never met you I really do care about you
00:23:44
and I just want you to be set up to have
00:23:45
the most fulfilling relationship
00:23:47
possible and some of that is becoming
00:23:49
the right type of person and some of
00:23:51
that is choosing the right type of
00:23:52
person right and what we don't realize
00:23:54
is some of you have never experienced
00:23:56
actual safety and trustworthiness in a
00:23:58
relation relationship sometimes we need
00:24:00
to realize that we're attracted to
00:24:02
what's familiar to us so let's be honest
00:24:05
with ourselves what are you familiar to
00:24:07
being told that your feelings are a
00:24:09
burden working hard to feel loved and
00:24:11
accepted always being the one that
00:24:12
sacrificed for others giving giving
00:24:14
giving but never receiving because we
00:24:16
are naturally drawn to what we know and
00:24:19
if subconsciously you know you aren't
00:24:21
worthy of Selfless Love you're going to
00:24:23
be drawn and have chemistry with
00:24:25
Partners who support that narrative and
00:24:27
don't prioritize you because neglect
00:24:29
feels normal to you it feels safe for
00:24:32
you to have to work for their love and
00:24:34
acceptance just like you did in
00:24:36
childhood and we get caught accepting
00:24:38
breadcrumbs and actually getting used to
00:24:39
the chaotic nature of unhealthy love
00:24:42
relationships where there's no
00:24:43
consistency and there's a lot of
00:24:44
fighting and making up in one minute
00:24:46
they're hot and the next minute they're
00:24:48
cold we can get used to that but that's
00:24:51
not the love you deserve the truth is
00:24:52
you deserve Selfless Love you deserve a
00:24:54
partner who compliments you and
00:24:56
appreciates you and you deserve safe
00:24:58
consistent warm love you deserve
00:25:00
reciprocation that's what love is
00:25:02
supposed to look and feel like and
00:25:04
you're not asking too much by wanting a
00:25:05
partner that shows those green flags
00:25:09
thank you so much for watching I can't
00:25:11
wait to see you in the next one and if
00:25:12
all else fails just remember one of the
00:25:15
best qualities about a dog is
00:25:16
unconditional love
