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[Music]
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[Music]
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hi listen I just nursed my name on the
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weekend worthless I can't do anything
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about it I I don't make the rules around
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here but I just wondered look I don't
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want to discuss it well uh I'm not
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saying I can't work
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I was just wondering how come my name
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always seems to come up with somebody
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gets sick
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look I just go by the list you know that
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doubt that's the procedure what happened
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to the puppet I kind of like that well
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you said I should change it oh no I said
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maybe it needed a little work well
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that's the same thing no it's not well
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that's the way I heard it well that's
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not what I said
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it is Andrea all these people keep
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coming in here for one or two copies I
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was thinking what if we put a machine in
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the lobby for them it might be more
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efficient it would be a lot more
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efficient if you just get back to your
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job stop trying to run this business
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communication expert dr. Janet withers
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when someone is attacking us it's
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appropriate for us to defend ourselves
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but many people become very defensive
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when there is no attack they tend to
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take things very personally that weren't
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intended that way they become very upset
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argumentative perhaps even hostile this
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kind of defensiveness when there is no
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attack is really not appropriate and yet
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it's so very common in all of our
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relationships
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I just noticed my name on the weekend
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worklet I can't do anything about it I
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don't make the rules around here but I
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just wondered if we feel under attack in
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effect we are under attack
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one common defense is to seek the
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nearest cover for instance to hide
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behind rules and regulations I just go
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by the list you know that that's the
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procedure that's not fair I worked last
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weekend when Connie called in sick I
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assigned you to work this weekend it
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just as simple as that
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why would I make it up you said I should
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change it well why else would I change
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it I remember just simply another common
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defense is creating a diversion
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if convenient cover is lacking we often
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start an argument over an issue that is
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completely beside the point
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Tuesday Tuesday morning around 10:00
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a.m. I remember distinctly I had just
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finished the Jordan account you came
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back from coffee and stopped in no no no
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it was a bit later than that maybe it
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was 11:00 it doesn't matter when it was
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Wahby
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this is important Andrea don't take it
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so personally I was thinking what if we
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put a machine in the lobby just for them
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it might be more efficient for many of
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us the best defense is offense counter
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attack hit be a lot more efficient if
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you just get back to your job and stop
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trying to run this business that is one
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of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard and
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if you'd stop and think for one minute
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you'd realize it could never work
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well another plan does it always happen
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to me I'll have to go up there and
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borrow a jack we are so predisposed to
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be defensive but sometimes we defend
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ourselves when there is no one there to
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attack us in a kind of preventive
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retaliation I think I'm a robber
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commander with a shotgun double-barrel
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yeah they probably aren't even home and
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even if they are it probably won't even
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come to the door then he probably won't
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have a jack if he does it probably won't
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touch my car if he does have one he
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probably won't let me borrow it
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listen buddy you can just take your
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lousy two-bit Jack and shove it
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[Music]
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sometimes we will do something or say
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something that we think is completely
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harmless and we can't understand why the
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other person gets so defensive when this
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happens I think it's helpful if we stop
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to realize that each of us has aspects
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of ourselves that were particularly
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sensitive about and we don't want those
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aspects exposed to the world we all
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spend a lot of time fussing over our
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image trying to make ourselves look good
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not only to others but to ourselves so I
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sat there taking it all in it's just
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like him so I told him it's a bald-faced
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lie whenever we hear something that
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seems to be directed at what we perceive
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to be a flaw in that image we experience
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it as a threat we take it personally
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just trying to cover up of course but I
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could see right through him I know a
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bold-faced lie when I hear one and that
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was a bald-faced lie our self-image our
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sense of self-worth is highly vulnerable
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this is what we are protecting when we
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get defensive it's almost as if we had a
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radar tuned into our most sensitive
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areas and as soon as someone happens
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into one of those areas our defenses
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immediately go on alert what if we put a
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machine in the lobby just for them it
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might be more efficient he's not
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criticizing the business he's
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criticizing me it's me he's complaining
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about not the rules she doesn't just
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dislike my work she dislikes me
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defensiveness is usually the result of
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low self-esteem and fear we're afraid
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that other people may criticize us or
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we're afraid that someone may not think
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that we're competent if we have a
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negative self-concept we're very likely
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to assume that other people's comments
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are intended to be negative looks like
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you made some changes huh yeah well I
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really on that time to work it all out
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yet it's just one idea it's not a
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finished product I mean this isn't the
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way it'll look at all
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why did you do it this way what's wrong
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with it oh nothing I was curious that's
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all
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it's not my responsibility to call you
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whenever there's a change in schedule I
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mean you people can keep track
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yourselves oh I get it
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we're just a bunch of names and unless
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to you there's no point in yelling
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there's no point in talking about this
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further when we are subjected to
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defensive misters
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we nearly always respond with defensive
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Messer we're up to me I would never
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change someone's schedule without
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letting them know well don't be so
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defensive
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you always take everything as a personal
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attack but I just don't understand why
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you had to commit me to work for Connie
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I always worked for her she never works
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for me all too often the defensive mr.
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Ridge innate sin one relationship gets
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carried over into another defensive miss
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can ripple through an entire
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organization and heavy expense to morale
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and productivity Hey Joe I need to pick
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people to get by if you leave your
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trolley here put it around the corner
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token he looks just do it
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[Music]
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defensiveness stifles initiative and the
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free flow of ideas especially when
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defensiveness takes the form of passive
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aggression
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[Music]
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oh wait a minute you haven't got much
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more to go on that one once just go
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ahead and say well whatever you say
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would this be fast if you move this job
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over to the 350
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whatever you say never mind you just
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finish whatever you're doing whatever
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you say
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[Music]
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she wants me to be a - robot I'm being a
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mindless robot
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[Music]
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when both people in a relationship
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become defensive
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it's as if they were putting on armor
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ready to do battle when we put on armor
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we feel like it's going to protect us
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but it's really more of a prison when we
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have our defenses up it's very hard to
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see or hear other people our view of the
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world is distorted if we're locked
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behind our own protective armor our own
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feelings and fears can become highly
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exaggerated right there we can begin to
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reduce defensiveness though if we'll
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just make the assumption that we aren't
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doing a good job and that other people
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are not trying to attack us if we make
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these assumptions we can communicate
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with others more openly and in a more
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diplomatic way and the result will be
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more effective communication the first
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step in being diplomatic is a ceasefire
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which means checking our own tendency to
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meet defensive restaurant with
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defensiveness Jeff will cover for you
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this weekend by I'm just calling back to
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check on Connie she's got a very bad
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cold that's too bad
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she said it was very nice of you to fill
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in for this weekend yeah well you know
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she really appreciates it
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I'm gonna go on my break now okay sure
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sometimes a cooling-off period is needed
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often best accomplished by deliberately
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leaving the scene with the issue
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unresolved if we feel that someone's
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behavior toward us is arbitrary or
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unreasonable it may be because we do not
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understand it if we back off and think
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about it
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we may begin to understand why our
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behavior toward that person was taken as
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a threat
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oh I get it we're just a bunch of names
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on a list to you there's no point in
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yelling there's no point in talking
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about it further if we can try to
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understand that the defensive person is
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fearful we can look for the causes of
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that fear and try to communicate with
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them in a way that will help to reduce
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it we can then deal with the real issues
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in more effective ways that can lead to
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constructive resolution listen we are I
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was just thinking about this weekend
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business and I want you to know
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something yes it really is a pain to
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give up a Saturday but I know it's not
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your fault I mean there's not much you
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can do about it oh well I wasn't sure I
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guess I was just upset about having to
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working for the weekend well I can
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understand that you know really I felt
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kind of bad about it but I was in kind
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of a bind
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hey I know people get sick when we're
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working with other people and we find
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that they tend to be defensive around us
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we need to look very carefully at our
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own behavior to see if what we're doing
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has helped to create that defensiveness
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bringing things up at the wrong time in
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the wrong place can precipitate a
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defensive reaction all these people keep
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coming in here for one or two copies I
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was thinking what if we put a machine in
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the lobby just for them it might be more
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efficient suggesting work changes in
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front of others particularly when
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everybody's under pressure is bound to
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cause trouble
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[Music]
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look I realize that I brought up that
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idea at a bad time
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yeah when it gets like that it's
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impossible to think yeah that's why I
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thought if we put a special machine in
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the lobby look we can't have customers
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operating the machines oh no that's not
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what I meant we'd run the Machine rather
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than quickly disagree we can ask
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questions to increase our understanding
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of the other person's position you mean
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it'd be like in Express lines a
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supermarket yeah that's right I like
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that why don't we talk about this some
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more tomorrow there's one situation
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which is especially likely to produce
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defensiveness the giving and receiving
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of criticism most of us feel very
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uncomfortable with criticism and yet the
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degree of our discomfort is very much
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related to the way that the criticism is
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given let's look at the extremes on the
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one hand criticism can be given in a
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very hostile way or on the other hand
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and the other extreme it can be given in
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a very tentative and overly apologetic
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manner either extreme tends to produce
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defensiveness on the part of the person
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receiving the criticism it's very
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important for us to learn to give
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criticism effectively and one very
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important principle is to learn to
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criticize what a person does rather than
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criticizing the person's character it's
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much less threatening for someone to say
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to us this work needs to be changed
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rather than to hear that person say your
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work is incompetent when giving
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criticism we must make it clear that we
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are criticizing your work not the person
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the more ambiguous we are the more
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likely the other person is to
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misinterpret what happened to the puppet
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I kind of like that well you said I
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should change it oh no I said maybe you
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needed a little work that's all well
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that's the same thing no it's not the
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same thing
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well that's the way I heard it but it's
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not what I said you did Andrea you said
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I should change it why else to be
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effective our criticism must be honest
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people are more likely to get defensive
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if they sense that they're hedging and
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withholding besides our criticism can
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only be useful if the other person truly
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understands what we mean listen I've
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been thinking about this Western burger
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thing and I think I know exactly what's
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troubling me
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oh the basic design is wonderful it's
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the color the red lettering it's just
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too too harsh well it is a bit strong
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and the lettering down here I think we
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should go with the serif it'll be more
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in keeping with the whole Western thing
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hmm makes sense
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criticism takes all of our diplomatic
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skill so we need to be very conscious of
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the words which we use to words which we
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need to pay a special attention to are
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always and never imagined that I was
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talking to you about some work which you
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were responsible for and I said you
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always turn your reports in light you
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never have the statistics ready when we
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need them you would probably defend
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yourself and say I don't always turn the
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work in late and the real issues would
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tend to get lost because of the
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emotional reaction to the words always
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and never but you never seem to get your
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own work done on time why don't you do
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it this way well don't get so defensive
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don't take it so personally that is one
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of the dumbest ideas I have ever heard
00:15:50
when we communicate with other people in
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ways which imply that we are absolutely
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certain that what we're saying is right
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we're very likely to produce
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defensiveness for example if I were
00:16:01
talking with you and I said the way you
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did that is not right you would be very
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likely to become defensive however if I
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were to say I wonder if it might be
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better to try it this way
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that slight change in phrasing which
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leaves the door open for your ideas and
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our input would probably be very helpful
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in reducing defensiveness when we're
00:16:23
talking about defensive communication we
00:16:26
need to realize that we're not only
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talking about the words that we speak
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but we're also talking about nonverbal
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behavior our facial expression the way
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that we stand the way that we walk out
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of a room or slam a door
00:16:38
all of those nonverbal behaviors play a
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very important role in letting others
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know that we're defensive or in our
00:16:46
producing defensiveness and other people
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it's best to leave as much white space
00:16:51
as possible also when receiving
00:16:54
criticism we must check our initial
00:16:57
impulse to deny or explain before we
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observe the other person out I do have a
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couple of things to say about the text
00:17:03
here if you're interested yeah please
00:17:06
we too must learn to separate our work
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from ourselves to see it as what we do
00:17:11
rather than what we are because the
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basic design really works she's just
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talking about the ad not about me
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so to keep it clear if we can attain
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objectivity we can ask for clarification
00:17:25
about specific details of the criticism
00:17:27
so that we can in fact use it I mean I
00:17:31
have to move all this copy no not all of
00:17:34
it just this part here you know I agree
00:17:41
giving and receiving criticism is a
00:17:43
natural and necessary part of work it is
00:17:46
also full of subjective traps if we can
00:17:49
objectify the issues we can then apply
00:17:51
our energies to solving the problems at
00:17:54
hand instead of defending ourselves I
00:17:56
think I should tone down the fine print
00:17:58
a bit no no I don't think you need to
00:17:59
cuz it'll be in balance then we can't
00:18:03
make other people change their behavior
00:18:05
but we can take responsibility for
00:18:08
looking at our own behavior we can try
00:18:10
to make sure that we listen carefully to
00:18:12
other people and we can try to express
00:18:14
our ideas and our needs in as clear and
00:18:18
non-threatening away as possible
00:18:22
well I do have something to say about
00:18:24
the text here if you're interested yeah
00:18:27
please
00:18:29
she said it was very nice of you to fill
00:18:32
in for this weekend
00:18:35
I'm gonna take my break now okay sure
00:18:45
she's just talking about the ad not
00:18:48
about me it really is a pain to give up
00:18:52
a Saturday but I know it's not your
00:18:54
fault I realize that I brought up that
00:18:59
idea too bad time now with the Seraph
00:19:03
large print do you think I should tone
00:19:05
down the fine print a bit if we take
00:19:08
responsibility for making those changes
00:19:10
we can really help to create an
00:19:12
environment which is supportive
00:19:14
productive and non-threatening and this
00:19:17
will benefit ourselves other people and
00:19:19
our organization defensiveness distorts
00:19:29
both what we say and what we hear clear
00:19:32
communication is in everyone's best
00:19:34
interest to achieve it we must really
00:19:40
listen which means we must deliberately
00:19:42
lower our defenses when one of us does
00:19:45
so the other nearly always follows as
00:19:48
well
00:19:48
Anthony lifted Birnam woods
00:19:54
what left at Birnam wood ah thank you
00:20:02
card sir
00:20:04
God be ready
00:20:08
[Music]
