Self-Abandonment: What It Is And How To Stop Doing It

00:25:07
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fcRRfH9k0w0

Resumen

TLDRIn this video, Heidi Prep explores self-abandonment and its impact on attachment healing. She defines self-abandonment as neglecting essential parts of ourselves for external validation. Through personal reflection, she highlights common scenarios of self-abandonment, such as feeling misaligned in social roles, failing to stand up for oneself, and compromising authenticity for approval. Heidi discusses how these behaviors can manifest as anxiety and depression and offers strategies to overcome self-abandonment, including authenticity, setting boundaries, and nurturing one's inner child.

Para llevar

  • 🌱 Self-abandonment: neglecting parts of ourselves for validation.
  • 🔍 Reflect on instances of self-abandonment in your life.
  • 💔 Common scenarios include unhealthy work and social situations.
  • 💪 Stand up for your inner child and show up authentically.
  • 💖 Set boundaries to promote self-respect and wellness.
  • 📝 Telling the truth helps identify misalignment in life.
  • ✨ Appreciate the benefits of being true to yourself.
  • 🌈 Nurturing your inner child fosters self-acceptance.
  • 🤝 Healthy relationships stem from self-respect and authenticity.
  • 🔄 Break the cycle of seeking external validation.

Cronología

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The video introduces the concept of 'self-abandonment,' which the speaker defines as leaving important parts of oneself behind, often in pursuit of validation from others. The speaker emphasizes personal observation over six months to identify self-abandoning behaviors and highlights that such fragmentation can lead to emotional issues like anxiety and depression.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    Self-abandonment often occurs when individuals compromise their true selves to fit in or gain acceptance in various social roles, leading to unhealthy coping mechanisms. The speaker encourages self-awareness of feelings when deviations from authenticity occur to recognize when one's own needs are being neglected.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    Many individuals tend to create molds of who they believe others want them to be, resulting in a cycle of self-rejection and external validation dependence. The speaker stresses that healing requires recognizing this cycle and no longer hiding one's true self in the pursuit of approval from others.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    Another common self-abandonment scenario involves individuals allowing themselves to be mistreated by others due to a desire for acceptance. This behavior sends damaging messages to one's inner child about self-worth and respect. Acknowledgment of these actions is crucial to stop perpetuating unhealthy relational patterns.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:07

    The video concludes with actionable steps to combat self-abandonment, such as embracing truthfulness in self-expression, nurturing vulnerable inner parts, and recognizing the negative impact of failing to stand up for oneself. By setting boundaries and prioritizing self-acceptance, individuals can cultivate more authentic lives and healthier relationships.

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Mapa mental

Vídeo de preguntas y respuestas

  • What is self-abandonment?

    Self-abandonment is the act of neglecting parts of ourselves, often in favor of seeking validation from others.

  • What are common scenarios where self-abandonment occurs?

    Common situations include uncomfortable social roles, mistreatment, and compromising oneself for external approval.

  • How can I stop self-abandoning?

    Start by telling the truth to yourself and others, appreciating the benefits of self-respect, and setting boundaries.

  • How does self-abandonment affect mental health?

    It can lead to anxiety, depression, and feelings of resentment due to the fragmentation of one's true self.

  • What is the relationship between self-abandonment and inner children?

    Neglecting our inner child leads to feelings of shame and unworthiness, perpetuating self-abandonment.

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Desplazamiento automático:
  • 00:00:00
    hey guys Heidi prep here welcome back to
  • 00:00:02
    my Channel today I wanted to spend some
  • 00:00:04
    time talking about a word that has been
  • 00:00:07
    super instrumental to me over the past
  • 00:00:08
    six months or so in my attachment
  • 00:00:10
    healing work and that term is
  • 00:00:12
    self-abandonment so I first heard this
  • 00:00:15
    term in some Facebook group that I was a
  • 00:00:17
    part of that talked about attachment
  • 00:00:19
    work attachment healing and I really
  • 00:00:21
    liked it as soon as I heard it like it
  • 00:00:23
    resonated somewhere inside of me I
  • 00:00:25
    didn't really know what the term meant
  • 00:00:26
    but I decided I'm going to take a period
  • 00:00:29
    of time and just notice when do I feel
  • 00:00:33
    like I am self-abanding when do I start
  • 00:00:36
    to notice that I am not particularly
  • 00:00:39
    showing up for myself and being on my
  • 00:00:41
    own team in life and how can I start to
  • 00:00:44
    rearrange my life in such a way that I
  • 00:00:47
    am doing that as little as humanly
  • 00:00:49
    possible so this video is the result of
  • 00:00:52
    about six months of me putting myself
  • 00:00:54
    under observation in this way and really
  • 00:00:56
    noticing some of what I believe to be
  • 00:00:59
    the common experiences in which many of
  • 00:01:02
    us automatically self-abandon often
  • 00:01:04
    without even realizing it and start
  • 00:01:06
    operating from a kind of inauthentic
  • 00:01:08
    part of ourselves and we are going to
  • 00:01:10
    talk about how to stop doing that so I
  • 00:01:12
    Define self-abandonment as any situation
  • 00:01:15
    in which we are fragmenting a part of
  • 00:01:17
    ourselves and leaving a very important
  • 00:01:20
    component of ourselves at the door in
  • 00:01:23
    order to usually get validation or
  • 00:01:26
    acceptance or approval out of other
  • 00:01:28
    people now of course there are
  • 00:01:30
    situations in which we all do this a
  • 00:01:32
    little bit right so most of us when we
  • 00:01:35
    go to work in the morning there is some
  • 00:01:36
    part of ourselves that we leave at the
  • 00:01:38
    door in order to show up and give back
  • 00:01:40
    in a way that puts the focus on the
  • 00:01:42
    company or the other people that we're
  • 00:01:44
    serving right so that's natural to an
  • 00:01:46
    extent when we are parenting when we are
  • 00:01:48
    meeting new people when we are in some
  • 00:01:51
    sort of social role that requires
  • 00:01:53
    certain responsibilities to be met most
  • 00:01:55
    of us naturally do a little bit of
  • 00:01:57
    leaving ourselves at the door right so
  • 00:01:59
    this is is part of just being a human in
  • 00:02:01
    society absolutely however
  • 00:02:04
    self-abandonment is what I Define as a
  • 00:02:07
    prolonged period of fragmenting
  • 00:02:10
    ourselves and leaving really important
  • 00:02:12
    aspects of ourselves at the door so
  • 00:02:13
    those really important really vital
  • 00:02:15
    parts of ourselves can be things like
  • 00:02:17
    our true thoughts and opinions and
  • 00:02:19
    perspectives our true emotions and
  • 00:02:22
    vulnerabilities and inner experiences
  • 00:02:24
    our true needs and wants and desires
  • 00:02:26
    right so often when we are
  • 00:02:29
    self-abandoning what starts to happen is
  • 00:02:31
    that these fragmented parts of ourselves
  • 00:02:33
    that we have left at the door start
  • 00:02:35
    showing up as anxiety as depression as
  • 00:02:39
    an inability to concentrate or as
  • 00:02:41
    self-sabotaging behaviors because I have
  • 00:02:44
    the personal belief that there is no
  • 00:02:46
    such thing as self-sabotage most of the
  • 00:02:48
    time when we think we are
  • 00:02:49
    self-sabotaging what's actually happened
  • 00:02:51
    is we have abandoned a piece of
  • 00:02:53
    ourselves that knows it is important for
  • 00:02:56
    our vitality and so that peace is coming
  • 00:02:59
    out screaming trying to be heard right
  • 00:03:02
    whether that is a need for Comfort
  • 00:03:04
    whether that is the need for
  • 00:03:05
    authenticity whether that is actually
  • 00:03:07
    the need for our physical more adult
  • 00:03:10
    survival needs to be met right there are
  • 00:03:12
    all of these parts of ourselves that if
  • 00:03:14
    we do not pay attention to them and if
  • 00:03:16
    we leave them behind for too long they
  • 00:03:18
    will start to protest and this video is
  • 00:03:21
    going to be all about how to stop doing
  • 00:03:23
    that so that as much as humanly possible
  • 00:03:25
    we can start bringing our true embodied
  • 00:03:27
    authentic selves to every situation we
  • 00:03:30
    find ourselves in so no major part of
  • 00:03:32
    ourselves has to start kicking up a fuss
  • 00:03:34
    begging to be seen and acknowledged so
  • 00:03:37
    from the get-go I think a really good
  • 00:03:38
    rule of thumb for figuring out whether
  • 00:03:40
    we are self-abandoning or whether we are
  • 00:03:42
    just doing some kind of natural stepping
  • 00:03:45
    into social roles that need to be
  • 00:03:46
    temporarily fulfilled is checking in
  • 00:03:49
    with our bodies
  • 00:03:50
    and going okay if I say yes to this
  • 00:03:53
    thing if I allow myself to let's say
  • 00:03:56
    leave a part of myself at the door to
  • 00:03:58
    either get to know this new person or to
  • 00:04:00
    work this job or to do this favor for
  • 00:04:02
    someone is there going to be a
  • 00:04:04
    significant part of me that feels tense
  • 00:04:06
    and resentful right am I going to kind
  • 00:04:09
    of hate myself a little bit for saying
  • 00:04:11
    yes to this am I going to kind of hate
  • 00:04:13
    somebody else for asking me to do this
  • 00:04:15
    and me saying yes to it anytime we
  • 00:04:17
    experience that strong sense of like
  • 00:04:19
    inner resistance and tension it's often
  • 00:04:22
    because we are self-abandoning the
  • 00:04:24
    opposite of self-abandonment is bringing
  • 00:04:26
    our whole integrated selves into every
  • 00:04:28
    single situation and often we know we
  • 00:04:30
    are doing that when we feel a sense of
  • 00:04:33
    ease and relaxation in our bodies
  • 00:04:35
    because we're not trying to change our
  • 00:04:37
    energy to fit the situation but without
  • 00:04:40
    getting further into that let's go into
  • 00:04:42
    some of the most common areas I've
  • 00:04:45
    noticed over the past six months that
  • 00:04:47
    many of us are quick to self-abandon and
  • 00:04:49
    then we're going to go into what the
  • 00:04:51
    antidotes to those scenarios are so
  • 00:04:53
    scenario number one in which I think
  • 00:04:55
    many of us are quick to self-abandon is
  • 00:04:57
    we put ourselves in situations that we
  • 00:04:59
    aren't truly comfortable or aligned with
  • 00:05:01
    and then we start seeking out comfort in
  • 00:05:04
    unhealthy ways so an example of this
  • 00:05:06
    might be taking on a job that you know
  • 00:05:09
    you can't really be your true whole self
  • 00:05:12
    within but maybe it pays really well
  • 00:05:14
    maybe it's prestigious maybe other
  • 00:05:16
    people are going to be really impressed
  • 00:05:18
    with you taking on this job and so what
  • 00:05:19
    you learn to do is go into work in the
  • 00:05:21
    morning with that intense inner tension
  • 00:05:23
    that comes from resisting the truth and
  • 00:05:26
    that comes from compartmentalizing and
  • 00:05:28
    ignoring important parts of ourselves
  • 00:05:30
    and then you find ways to blow off steam
  • 00:05:33
    in massive ways after work on the
  • 00:05:35
    weekends on your breaks maybe you are
  • 00:05:37
    venting all the time maybe you are going
  • 00:05:39
    out and getting drunk every weekend
  • 00:05:40
    maybe you are eating unhealthily or
  • 00:05:43
    finding ways to seek out the comfort
  • 00:05:45
    that you are not getting while you're at
  • 00:05:47
    work because again to be comfortable in
  • 00:05:50
    the world means to have a relaxed
  • 00:05:52
    nervous system to feel like you are not
  • 00:05:54
    chronically tensed up because you are
  • 00:05:56
    always on alert for someone threatening
  • 00:05:58
    your social Mass when we are not wearing
  • 00:06:00
    a mask when we are as much as humanly
  • 00:06:02
    possible just showing up as who we are
  • 00:06:04
    in the world our bodies feel relaxed we
  • 00:06:07
    can take deep breaths we can be present
  • 00:06:09
    and focused and attentive because we
  • 00:06:11
    aren't distracted with thoughts about
  • 00:06:13
    trying to push our needs aside in order
  • 00:06:15
    to fit the situation right so that sense
  • 00:06:18
    of comfort that we get in the world from
  • 00:06:20
    being in alignment with ourselves
  • 00:06:22
    doesn't leave us with this extreme need
  • 00:06:24
    to like binge on Comfort later because
  • 00:06:27
    we aren't sucking anything up there is
  • 00:06:29
    nothing to kind of let go of in a huge
  • 00:06:31
    way afterwards right but this process of
  • 00:06:35
    like tension then release then tension
  • 00:06:36
    then release that most of us go through
  • 00:06:38
    over the course of the average day in
  • 00:06:41
    our lives is what ends up causing a lot
  • 00:06:43
    of stress a lot of overwhelm and a lot
  • 00:06:46
    of compensatory Comfort seeking
  • 00:06:49
    behaviors that maybe aren't the
  • 00:06:50
    healthiest so I always find that when I
  • 00:06:53
    am doing work that I feel truly aligned
  • 00:06:55
    with when I'm interacting with people
  • 00:06:57
    who I feel truly comfortable in myself
  • 00:06:59
    around and when I'm listening
  • 00:07:00
    attentively to my own inner needs I have
  • 00:07:03
    the easiest time staying healthy getting
  • 00:07:05
    good sleeps staying present and focused
  • 00:07:07
    on my work because I'm just kind of
  • 00:07:09
    being me everywhere I go and it's very
  • 00:07:12
    easy on the nervous system and very
  • 00:07:13
    relaxing and very non-threatening to be
  • 00:07:16
    you everywhere you go situation number
  • 00:07:18
    two in which I think most people
  • 00:07:20
    frequently and almost compulsively
  • 00:07:22
    self-abandon is we decide in our heads
  • 00:07:24
    who other people want us to be so who we
  • 00:07:27
    think we ought to be in order to be
  • 00:07:29
    loved accepted validated whatever it is
  • 00:07:32
    and then we shove aside every part of
  • 00:07:35
    ourselves that does not fit that mold
  • 00:07:37
    and then because it feels so
  • 00:07:39
    uncomfortable and so bad inside to do
  • 00:07:42
    that we start hating ourselves and we
  • 00:07:44
    try to compensate for that self-hatred
  • 00:07:46
    by doubling down on this external image
  • 00:07:48
    of ourselves and going okay now every
  • 00:07:50
    everybody owes me love and appreciation
  • 00:07:53
    and validation because I killed off
  • 00:07:56
    parts of myself to be accepted by them
  • 00:07:58
    so now people need to give me that sense
  • 00:08:01
    of love that I cannot give myself and
  • 00:08:03
    this is a terrible vicious cycle that
  • 00:08:06
    will keep us trapped our entire lives if
  • 00:08:08
    we do not become aware of it right when
  • 00:08:11
    we are refusing to show up as we
  • 00:08:13
    actually are when we are refusing to
  • 00:08:15
    share ourselves authentically with other
  • 00:08:17
    people when we are refusing to draw
  • 00:08:19
    boundaries where we need to draw
  • 00:08:20
    boundaries in order to keep ourselves
  • 00:08:23
    feeling whole and integrated then we
  • 00:08:25
    place this enormous expectation on other
  • 00:08:27
    people to give us that love and
  • 00:08:29
    validation that we are not giving
  • 00:08:31
    ourselves and then we grow to resent
  • 00:08:33
    people for not giving us all of that
  • 00:08:35
    love and validation when it was never
  • 00:08:37
    their jobs to do that in the first place
  • 00:08:39
    what happens when we start doing this
  • 00:08:41
    and we start Outsourcing our need for
  • 00:08:43
    love and worthiness and validation is we
  • 00:08:46
    are telling the child that lives inside
  • 00:08:48
    of ourselves there are things about you
  • 00:08:50
    that are wrong and bad and shameful and
  • 00:08:53
    I'm going to hide you away so that other
  • 00:08:55
    people will accept me and imagine if you
  • 00:08:58
    were telling your four-year-old child
  • 00:09:00
    that imagine what that child would grow
  • 00:09:02
    up to believe about themselves imagine
  • 00:09:04
    the ways they would learn to interact
  • 00:09:05
    with other people imagine the ways they
  • 00:09:07
    would show up in Intimate Relationships
  • 00:09:09
    right it would be a train wreck and it
  • 00:09:13
    is a train wreck when we make these
  • 00:09:15
    rules for ourselves we shove aside the
  • 00:09:17
    parts of our inner children that we
  • 00:09:18
    think are embarrassing or are not good
  • 00:09:21
    enough or are not in line with this
  • 00:09:23
    image of who the adult part of ourselves
  • 00:09:25
    wants to see ourselves as we are giving
  • 00:09:27
    ourselves the message that there is
  • 00:09:29
    something deeply flawed and broken and
  • 00:09:31
    wrong with us and the only antidote to
  • 00:09:33
    that message is to start believing
  • 00:09:35
    something different from the inside no
  • 00:09:37
    amount of external praise validation
  • 00:09:40
    acceptance approval is ever going to be
  • 00:09:43
    enough to fix the wounds that we are
  • 00:09:45
    inflicting on our inner child when we
  • 00:09:47
    hide them from the world okay this is
  • 00:09:49
    important so I'm going to say it again
  • 00:09:50
    nothing we can ever get from the
  • 00:09:53
    external world will ever ever be enough
  • 00:09:56
    to fix the wound we inflict upon
  • 00:09:59
    ourselves when we reject our inner
  • 00:10:01
    children the only way out is to start
  • 00:10:03
    standing up for ourselves and our inner
  • 00:10:05
    children allowing ourselves to integrate
  • 00:10:08
    every part of ourselves into our lives
  • 00:10:10
    as much as possible and to refuse to
  • 00:10:13
    give that message to our inner children
  • 00:10:14
    that there is something shameful or
  • 00:10:16
    wrong or bad about them that they must
  • 00:10:17
    hide the less we hide the more we gain
  • 00:10:20
    our own self-respect and the more we
  • 00:10:22
    gain our own self-respect ironically the
  • 00:10:25
    more people are impressed by us and
  • 00:10:27
    Drawn to us so if we want to truly fix
  • 00:10:29
    this problem From the Inside Out step
  • 00:10:32
    number one has to be healing our
  • 00:10:34
    relationship with ourselves sitting down
  • 00:10:36
    with ourselves and going I do not need
  • 00:10:38
    to hide you I do not need to lie about
  • 00:10:40
    who I am I'm going to show up in the
  • 00:10:42
    world as I actually am and if that
  • 00:10:44
    triggers things in other people so long
  • 00:10:46
    as I am being respectful of them I'm
  • 00:10:48
    going to leave them to deal with that in
  • 00:10:50
    the themselves and I am going to
  • 00:10:52
    continue standing up for my inner child
  • 00:10:54
    and being who I actually am because a
  • 00:10:56
    lot of the time the person that we think
  • 00:10:58
    other people want us to be is actually
  • 00:10:59
    not at all who they want us to be right
  • 00:11:02
    think about who you find really cool and
  • 00:11:04
    attractive and impressive it's often the
  • 00:11:06
    people who have the most self-respect
  • 00:11:08
    the people who are the most willing to
  • 00:11:10
    stand up for themselves to say what they
  • 00:11:12
    need and want and to also treat other
  • 00:11:14
    people respectfully those are the kind
  • 00:11:16
    of people everybody wants to be around
  • 00:11:17
    so if you want to actually win this game
  • 00:11:19
    you have to go back to the source take
  • 00:11:22
    that agreement you made with yourself
  • 00:11:24
    probably when you were a very young
  • 00:11:26
    child that you would shut parts of
  • 00:11:28
    yourself up in order to get things out
  • 00:11:29
    of other people and destroy that
  • 00:11:31
    agreement and make a new one which is
  • 00:11:33
    what we're going to talk about in the
  • 00:11:34
    second part of this video but this
  • 00:11:36
    naturally leads us to situation number
  • 00:11:38
    three in which a lot of us tend to
  • 00:11:39
    self-abandon is we fail to stand up for
  • 00:11:42
    ourselves when we are being mistreated
  • 00:11:44
    and this can be overt mistreatment so it
  • 00:11:47
    can be someone being actively rude to
  • 00:11:49
    our faces or it can be covert
  • 00:11:51
    mistreatment it can be people pressuring
  • 00:11:53
    or coercing us into agreeing to things
  • 00:11:55
    that we know we don't want to do but we
  • 00:11:59
    fail to see our own needs as important
  • 00:12:02
    enough to give voice to right maybe we
  • 00:12:04
    shame blame guilt ourselves into saying
  • 00:12:07
    yes to things that we really want to say
  • 00:12:09
    no to maybe we allow someone to be
  • 00:12:11
    unkind or disrespectful towards us
  • 00:12:13
    because we really want their approval
  • 00:12:15
    and validation and anytime we are
  • 00:12:17
    allowing ourselves to be disrespected or
  • 00:12:19
    mistreated in the external world again
  • 00:12:21
    we are sending a direct message to
  • 00:12:23
    ourselves about the kind of treatment
  • 00:12:25
    that it's okay for us to tolerate we are
  • 00:12:28
    telling our inner children I don't love
  • 00:12:30
    you enough to stand up for you when you
  • 00:12:31
    are being abused coerced or mistreated
  • 00:12:33
    think about that message think about
  • 00:12:35
    what it would do to a four-year-old
  • 00:12:37
    child to receive that and then notice
  • 00:12:39
    how often you are sending that message
  • 00:12:41
    to yourself now I want to stop and
  • 00:12:43
    acknowledge before we get into part two
  • 00:12:44
    of this video which is all about how to
  • 00:12:46
    stop doing this that it is really
  • 00:12:48
    difficult to stop doing this right it is
  • 00:12:50
    kind of like when you are drowning and
  • 00:12:52
    you start thrashing harder and harder to
  • 00:12:54
    try to keep yourself afloat the natural
  • 00:12:56
    instinct when we are self-abandoning and
  • 00:12:58
    we start feeling bad about ourselves and
  • 00:13:00
    we start needing Comfort is to
  • 00:13:02
    self-aband and even harder because if
  • 00:13:04
    we've gotten used to kicking ourselves
  • 00:13:06
    off our own team we start thinking the
  • 00:13:07
    only antidote is to get love acceptance
  • 00:13:10
    and validation outside of myself and how
  • 00:13:12
    do I get that I will kick myself off my
  • 00:13:14
    own team even harder right so there's
  • 00:13:16
    this very natural doubling down process
  • 00:13:18
    that happens when we don't understand
  • 00:13:19
    that we are playing a rigged game and
  • 00:13:21
    there is an exit route so if you
  • 00:13:23
    recognize that you've been doing this
  • 00:13:24
    and you're like oh my God I had no idea
  • 00:13:27
    I was doing that to myself and I was
  • 00:13:28
    kicking myself off my own team in all
  • 00:13:30
    these ways don't judge yourself too
  • 00:13:32
    harshly you are thrashing trying to keep
  • 00:13:34
    your head above water because you didn't
  • 00:13:35
    realize you could reach out your arms
  • 00:13:37
    and you could float on water and now we
  • 00:13:40
    are going to talk about how to do that
  • 00:13:42
    how to stop thrashing trying to get your
  • 00:13:43
    needs met and learn to float so to stop
  • 00:13:46
    self-abandoning Step One is start trying
  • 00:13:50
    to tell the truth as often as humanly
  • 00:13:52
    possible to yourself and other people
  • 00:13:54
    and the reason I recommend this is
  • 00:13:55
    because when we start telling the truth
  • 00:13:58
    all of the time we will quickly notice
  • 00:14:00
    this goes a lot better in some
  • 00:14:02
    situations than other situations there
  • 00:14:04
    are some situations in which I truly
  • 00:14:06
    just cannot tell the truth and keep my
  • 00:14:09
    job tell the truth and hold on to my
  • 00:14:11
    relationship tell the truth and respect
  • 00:14:13
    myself and if we want to start showing
  • 00:14:15
    up for ourselves in a really real way
  • 00:14:17
    we're going to have to start noticing
  • 00:14:18
    which situations am I chronically
  • 00:14:21
    putting myself in where I can't really
  • 00:14:23
    bring my whole self to the table and
  • 00:14:24
    still get what I need out of the
  • 00:14:26
    situation and how do I as much as
  • 00:14:29
    humanly possible stop putting myself in
  • 00:14:31
    those situations if your partner doesn't
  • 00:14:33
    like who you actually are when you start
  • 00:14:35
    telling the truth and being authentic is
  • 00:14:37
    that the right partner for you if your
  • 00:14:39
    work requires you to hold so much
  • 00:14:41
    tension in your body because you are
  • 00:14:43
    operating from this false self whose
  • 00:14:45
    real needs and perspectives and beliefs
  • 00:14:47
    are not brought to the table is that
  • 00:14:49
    really the right job for you if your
  • 00:14:51
    Social Circle is comprised of people who
  • 00:14:54
    want you to behave differently in order
  • 00:14:56
    for them to feel comfortable around you
  • 00:14:58
    is that really the Social Circle you
  • 00:15:00
    want to be putting yourself in half of
  • 00:15:02
    the Brilliance of committing to telling
  • 00:15:03
    the truth is just finally realizing all
  • 00:15:06
    of the situations we have elected to put
  • 00:15:08
    ourselves in over the course of Our
  • 00:15:10
    Lives where lying is the most adaptive
  • 00:15:12
    thing and the more we recognize that the
  • 00:15:15
    more we're able to make informed choices
  • 00:15:16
    how do I want to show up at work what
  • 00:15:19
    would be something I could do that would
  • 00:15:21
    be more aligned that would allow me to
  • 00:15:22
    release the tension from my body and
  • 00:15:24
    show up as I actually am more of the
  • 00:15:27
    time which traits do I need in friends
  • 00:15:29
    or Partners in order to feel like I can
  • 00:15:32
    relax and be my full self around them
  • 00:15:34
    right telling the truth is not a Magic
  • 00:15:37
    Bullet for getting what we want out of
  • 00:15:38
    life but it is a Magic Bullet for
  • 00:15:40
    realizing where we are out of alignment
  • 00:15:42
    with our lives and over a long period of
  • 00:15:45
    time this allows us to design our lives
  • 00:15:48
    in a much more adaptive way be because
  • 00:15:50
    there is no tension between what's going
  • 00:15:52
    on on the inside and what's going on in
  • 00:15:54
    the outside tip number two for
  • 00:15:56
    self-abanding Less is one that I got
  • 00:15:58
    from my therapist and I loved this so
  • 00:16:01
    much I was essentially in a situation
  • 00:16:03
    where I was being offered an opportunity
  • 00:16:06
    that I thought would be a really cool
  • 00:16:07
    opportunity there were so many logical
  • 00:16:09
    reasons to say yes to it there were so
  • 00:16:11
    many doors I believed it would open for
  • 00:16:13
    me there were so many connections I
  • 00:16:15
    hoped I could make out of it but I knew
  • 00:16:18
    that there was a very big part of myself
  • 00:16:21
    that I would have to self-abandon in
  • 00:16:23
    order to say yes to this opportunity I
  • 00:16:26
    was already at that time feeling very
  • 00:16:28
    non-centered very not in alignment with
  • 00:16:31
    myself and I knew that I needed some
  • 00:16:34
    time to get back to myself and to get
  • 00:16:36
    back in touch with my inner child and I
  • 00:16:39
    was kind of proposing this dilemma in
  • 00:16:41
    therapy and my therapist said well
  • 00:16:43
    sometimes parents have to sacrifice
  • 00:16:46
    their needs and their wants for the good
  • 00:16:48
    of their children
  • 00:16:49
    so what is the youngest part of you
  • 00:16:51
    right now what is the most vulnerable
  • 00:16:53
    and in need part of you and how can the
  • 00:16:55
    inner parent in you tend to that part
  • 00:16:57
    and that question absolutely blew my
  • 00:17:00
    mind and to this day I still try to get
  • 00:17:03
    in touch every time I'm facing a
  • 00:17:05
    difficult decision with what does the
  • 00:17:07
    most vulnerable part of me need here
  • 00:17:09
    because the most vulnerable and in need
  • 00:17:12
    parts of ourselves if they get neglected
  • 00:17:15
    are at the highest risk for protest
  • 00:17:17
    behaviors for kicking up their heels
  • 00:17:19
    fragmenting our attention span so that
  • 00:17:21
    we can't focus when we're trying to do
  • 00:17:23
    what we are trying to force them into
  • 00:17:24
    doing for making us feel anxious
  • 00:17:27
    depressed lethargic for seeking comfort
  • 00:17:29
    in unhealthy ways the most vulnerable
  • 00:17:32
    and in need parts of ourselves are
  • 00:17:35
    always the parts we need to tend to the
  • 00:17:37
    most because they are the most high risk
  • 00:17:40
    so in this situation I had to tell
  • 00:17:42
    myself as much as the adult in me knows
  • 00:17:45
    that this would open a lot of doors and
  • 00:17:47
    create a lot of cool opportunities for
  • 00:17:48
    me if I cannot walk into those
  • 00:17:51
    opportunities with my whole authentic
  • 00:17:53
    self-integrated present and online I'm
  • 00:17:56
    going to be fragmenting myself in really
  • 00:17:58
    terrible ways that down the line are
  • 00:18:01
    going to lead to some really intense
  • 00:18:02
    challenges and so I had to say no and go
  • 00:18:05
    home and take care of myself now of
  • 00:18:07
    course there will be times when we are
  • 00:18:09
    let's say offered opportunities that we
  • 00:18:11
    want to say yes to that require a little
  • 00:18:13
    bit of sucking it up and working really
  • 00:18:15
    hard for a period of time whatever it is
  • 00:18:17
    the problem is when these situations
  • 00:18:19
    become chronic when we chronically have
  • 00:18:22
    disconnected from a part of ourselves
  • 00:18:24
    that needs our care love and attention
  • 00:18:25
    when we have told our inner children not
  • 00:18:28
    just you need to take a back seat for a
  • 00:18:30
    couple of weeks but you need to take a
  • 00:18:32
    back seat permanently that's when we
  • 00:18:34
    start getting self-sabotage behaviors
  • 00:18:36
    our kids start protesting but if we are
  • 00:18:39
    always tuning in and asking ourselves
  • 00:18:41
    what do the vulnerable parts of me need
  • 00:18:43
    and want we learn to integrate and bake
  • 00:18:46
    in comfort and self-acceptance and
  • 00:18:48
    compassion and for those young
  • 00:18:50
    vulnerable parts of ourselves into every
  • 00:18:52
    area of our lives and so they stop
  • 00:18:54
    protesting they stop fragmenting our
  • 00:18:56
    attention they stop bringing our mood
  • 00:18:58
    down right a really good sign that we
  • 00:19:00
    are living in an integrated way is that
  • 00:19:03
    we feel very present most of the time
  • 00:19:05
    because our attention is not being
  • 00:19:07
    divided between different parts of
  • 00:19:09
    ourselves that we have learned to
  • 00:19:10
    fragment and leave at the door which
  • 00:19:12
    leads me very naturally to step number
  • 00:19:15
    three for ceasing to self-abandon is
  • 00:19:18
    start to really appreciate what you get
  • 00:19:20
    out of not self-abandoning if you have
  • 00:19:22
    the true belief that life is better when
  • 00:19:24
    you are forgetting about all your own
  • 00:19:25
    wants and needs saying yes to what you
  • 00:19:27
    think everyone else wants from you and
  • 00:19:29
    then living on a diet of external
  • 00:19:31
    validation of course it's going to be
  • 00:19:33
    hard to say yes to your own needs of
  • 00:19:35
    course it's going to be hard to tune in
  • 00:19:37
    to yourself and give yourself what you
  • 00:19:39
    need because you think that only bad
  • 00:19:41
    things will come from that and I think
  • 00:19:43
    that this is a natural tendency that a
  • 00:19:45
    lot of us have internalized because
  • 00:19:47
    that's the game we've been taught to
  • 00:19:48
    play most of our our lives right we have
  • 00:19:51
    been taught the kick yourself off your
  • 00:19:52
    own team game and do what other people
  • 00:19:54
    want you to do it's what is drilled into
  • 00:19:56
    us from the time we are children the
  • 00:19:58
    more we start to actually set boundaries
  • 00:20:01
    say yes only when we want to say yes and
  • 00:20:03
    say no when we need to say no the more
  • 00:20:06
    we learn to tune into our bodies notice
  • 00:20:08
    when we feel the most internal tension
  • 00:20:10
    and put ourselves in more and more
  • 00:20:13
    situations where that tension is
  • 00:20:14
    released the more we realize that there
  • 00:20:17
    is another way to live that feels way
  • 00:20:20
    better and the more we start to notice
  • 00:20:22
    this the easier it gets to continue to
  • 00:20:25
    say yes to ourselves right if I set a
  • 00:20:28
    boundary and I notice that it
  • 00:20:29
    disappoints someone in the moment but
  • 00:20:31
    then later when I'm spending time with
  • 00:20:32
    that person I can actually bring my
  • 00:20:34
    entire embodied sense of self to the
  • 00:20:37
    interaction because I don't feel any
  • 00:20:39
    secret resentment towards them or myself
  • 00:20:41
    that is going to be an overall much
  • 00:20:44
    better and healthier relationship than
  • 00:20:46
    if I am always saying yes to please this
  • 00:20:48
    person but then go into the situations
  • 00:20:50
    feeling resentment angry fragmented cut
  • 00:20:53
    off distracted right that's how we build
  • 00:20:55
    unhealthy resent Laden connections as
  • 00:20:58
    opposed to deep authentic connections if
  • 00:21:00
    I am chronically dissociating from my
  • 00:21:03
    own needs for comfort and care and
  • 00:21:05
    support and relaxation I'm going to
  • 00:21:07
    start having parts of my inner child
  • 00:21:09
    coming up screaming and protesting and
  • 00:21:12
    I'm going to suddenly have a really hard
  • 00:21:14
    time paying attention at work I'm going
  • 00:21:16
    to burn out and stop feeling creative
  • 00:21:18
    and stop feeling inspired and start
  • 00:21:21
    feeling depressed anxious fragmented and
  • 00:21:24
    not know why because these parts of
  • 00:21:26
    myself that I've been abandoning are the
  • 00:21:28
    parts of myself that bring that Vitality
  • 00:21:30
    creativity excitement and presence to my
  • 00:21:33
    work and the more I'm able to realize
  • 00:21:35
    that it is setting boundaries staying
  • 00:21:37
    true to myself standing up for myself
  • 00:21:39
    that lead me to these places the more
  • 00:21:42
    I'm going to realize oh my God this is
  • 00:21:44
    so worth doing it is so worth the
  • 00:21:46
    initial discomfort of setting these
  • 00:21:48
    boundaries series to get the end result
  • 00:21:50
    of living a life that I'm actually
  • 00:21:52
    showing up to and being present within
  • 00:21:54
    as much as humanly possible and I am
  • 00:21:57
    sending such a wonderful loving message
  • 00:21:59
    to my inner child which allows me to
  • 00:22:01
    show up in the world in a completely
  • 00:22:03
    different way I had a situation in the
  • 00:22:05
    past where there's someone who I really
  • 00:22:07
    valued and wanted to be a part of my
  • 00:22:09
    life but they were chronically kind of
  • 00:22:11
    speaking to me in a bit of a
  • 00:22:13
    disrespectful Manner and I ended up
  • 00:22:15
    finally having to draw really explicit
  • 00:22:17
    boundaries and going you know what if we
  • 00:22:19
    can't work this through if you can't
  • 00:22:20
    speak to me respectfully I'm going to
  • 00:22:22
    have to not have you in my life anymore
  • 00:22:23
    and it was a very painful and difficult
  • 00:22:26
    boundary to set that I really didn't
  • 00:22:28
    want to set but the next week debriefing
  • 00:22:30
    in therapy my therapist asked me a
  • 00:22:32
    question that really got me thinking
  • 00:22:34
    which was you were 10 years old and
  • 00:22:37
    someone came to you and started speaking
  • 00:22:38
    to you the way that person spoke to you
  • 00:22:40
    and your parent walked in and told that
  • 00:22:43
    person you cannot speak to my child that
  • 00:22:44
    way they deserve respect and if you
  • 00:22:46
    cannot respect them you need to get out
  • 00:22:48
    of their lives how much would you love
  • 00:22:50
    that parent
  • 00:22:51
    how valued would you feel what would you
  • 00:22:53
    internalize about yourself through that
  • 00:22:56
    interaction and for whatever reason that
  • 00:22:58
    question blew me away thinking of the
  • 00:23:01
    child in me as someone who I am
  • 00:23:03
    responsible for protecting and for
  • 00:23:05
    teaching their Worth to completely
  • 00:23:06
    changed the game for me and this is what
  • 00:23:09
    we're doing when we set boundaries for
  • 00:23:10
    ourselves we are teaching the child
  • 00:23:12
    within us this is what I as your parent
  • 00:23:15
    will tolerate and not tolerate when it
  • 00:23:17
    comes to how other people treat you
  • 00:23:18
    because I believe you are worthy of
  • 00:23:21
    being treated well and when we
  • 00:23:23
    internalize that message when the child
  • 00:23:25
    within us learns their inner worth and
  • 00:23:27
    value oh my god do they ever grow up to
  • 00:23:31
    be a cool ass adult they grow into this
  • 00:23:34
    confident embodied version of themselves
  • 00:23:36
    who loves themselves enough to extend
  • 00:23:39
    that same warmth and non-judgmental
  • 00:23:41
    attitude towards other people and that
  • 00:23:43
    is the person who makes everybody feel
  • 00:23:45
    good to be around right so ironically
  • 00:23:48
    the more we refuse to self-abandon in
  • 00:23:50
    order to to get the approval or
  • 00:23:52
    validation of other people the more we
  • 00:23:54
    actually grow ourselves into a person
  • 00:23:56
    who other people super want to be around
  • 00:23:58
    because we are able to exude the same
  • 00:24:01
    warmth and love and self-acceptance that
  • 00:24:03
    we give ourselves I'm okay you're okay
  • 00:24:06
    the secure world view you're no longer
  • 00:24:08
    playing that I'll be good enough one
  • 00:24:09
    game right you're playing the game of I
  • 00:24:12
    know how to set my boundaries to keep
  • 00:24:13
    myself feeling present vital alive
  • 00:24:16
    connected and lacking resentment towards
  • 00:24:19
    myself and others and I can teach other
  • 00:24:21
    people to do the same thing by example
  • 00:24:23
    all right I could talk about this
  • 00:24:25
    forever like I could really keep going
  • 00:24:27
    with this because it is such an
  • 00:24:28
    important topic and I think it is such a
  • 00:24:31
    vital component to attachment healing
  • 00:24:33
    work but I've already been talking for a
  • 00:24:35
    while so I'm going to leave it here for
  • 00:24:36
    today let me know in the comments
  • 00:24:38
    section where you guys are at in this
  • 00:24:40
    process which situations do you notice
  • 00:24:42
    yourself self-abanding in and is there a
  • 00:24:45
    way you are now planning to start
  • 00:24:46
    showing up for yourself differently I'm
  • 00:24:48
    always curious to hear your perspectives
  • 00:24:50
    thoughts experiences so please drop them
  • 00:24:52
    in the comments as always I love you
  • 00:24:54
    guys I hope you're taking care of
  • 00:24:56
    yourselves your inner children and each
  • 00:24:58
    other and I will see you back here again
  • 00:25:00
    really soon
  • 00:25:02
    [Music]
Etiquetas
  • self-abandonment
  • attachment healing
  • mental health
  • authenticity
  • boundaries
  • inner child
  • validation
  • self-acceptance
  • anxiety
  • depression