Why I Don’t Recommend Forgiveness -- A Psychological Analysis

00:11:51
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z-H4lEDJuOQ

Resumen

TLDRThe video challenges the commonly held belief that forgiveness is inherently positive and a sign of maturity. The speaker, drawing from personal experience, argues that forgiveness is sometimes a survival tactic rather than an act of bravery or consciousness, especially in situations involving abuse by parents. They recount their journey from forced forgiveness as a child, due to dependency, to realizing the importance of truly feeling emotions and the healing that comes from acknowledging personal trauma. This acknowledgment, rather than forgiveness, has been pivotal in their growth and understanding. The speaker criticizes societal pressures to forgive and empathize with abusers without considering the victim’s need to process their own emotions and heal. They advocate for honoring one's feelings, including bitterness, as a valid part of the healing journey.

Para llevar

  • ☕ Forgiveness isn't always a conscious act; sometimes it's a survival mechanism.
  • 🚫 True healing requires feeling emotions, not premature forgiveness.
  • 👂 The speaker's parents couldn't accept criticism, leading to more rejection.
  • 🧠 Forgiveness often praised as maturity but may suppress true feelings.
  • 🎭 Empathy for abusers isn't necessary for personal healing.
  • 😔 Bitterness can be an important stage in the healing journey.
  • 🛑 Bravery is not forgiving when it means ignoring personal trauma.
  • 🔬 Healing involves exploring one's own emotions deeply.
  • 💪 Saying no to societal pressures to forgive can be an act of bravery.
  • ❤️ Self-empathy is crucial for genuine healing and maturity.

Cronología

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The speaker begins by discussing a message on a tea bag that states "forgiveness is an act of Consciousness." Contrary to this message, the speaker shares their experience of how not forgiving their parents was vital for their survival. They recount the traumatic experiences inflicted by their parents and the necessity to forgive them at the time due to dependence. However, this forgiveness was a form of desperation, not consciousness, as it made them suppress their true feelings. The speaker emphasizes that healing only began when they acknowledged and explored their feelings, a process which was daunting yet necessary.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:11:51

    The speaker continues to explore their evolving understanding of forgiveness by discussing the frequent criticisms and expectations they faced, especially from family, about forgiving their parents. They assert that true healing requires prioritizing self-empathy over empathizing with their abusers. The speaker handles misunderstanding about being bitter, explaining that bitterness is a part of the healing journey. They distinguish between bitterness and forgiveness as outcomes of healing and emphasize the importance of valuing their own healing process rather than yielding to societal pressures to forgive unconditionally. This journey towards personal recovery and maturity entailed acknowledging and embracing their emotions, thus reclaiming their selfhood.

Mapa mental

Mind Map

Preguntas frecuentes

  • What does the speaker think about forgiveness?

    The speaker believes forgiveness can be a survival mechanism rather than a conscious or brave act, especially in abusive situations.

  • Why didn't the speaker like the saying on the tea bag?

    The speaker disagreed with the notion that 'forgiveness is an act of consciousness,' arguing it can ignore personal trauma and feelings.

  • How did the speaker's parents react to their attempts to express their feelings?

    The speaker's parents repeatedly rejected their feelings, which was painful and led to further trauma.

  • What is the alternative to forgiving that the speaker suggests?

    The speaker suggests exploring and feeling one's own emotions as part of a personal healing process instead of prematurely forgiving.

  • Does the speaker believe empathy for their parents is helpful?

    No, the speaker feels that empathizing with the parents does not aid in their healing; instead, they should empathize with themselves.

  • What does the speaker say about being bitter?

    The speaker views bitterness as a stage in the healing process that is honorable and necessary for dealing with trauma.

  • Why does the speaker feel they were rewarded for forgiving their parents?

    The speaker was praised for being mature when they forgave, which buried their true feelings and served as a survival strategy.

  • How does the speaker define bravery in this context?

    Bravery, according to the speaker, is refusing to forgive when it means ignoring one's own trauma and feelings.

  • What did the speaker learn about healing from their experience?

    True healing involves feeling one's emotions and does not necessarily require forgiving the abusers.

  • What criticism does the speaker frequently face for their views?

    The speaker is often criticized for not forgiving and empathizing with their parents, both online and in personal interactions.

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  • 00:00:01
    this morning I was drinking my cup of
  • 00:00:03
    tea and on the tag on the tea bag
  • 00:00:08
    there's always a little saying a little
  • 00:00:10
    spiritual saying and sometimes I like
  • 00:00:12
    them this morning I did not like the
  • 00:00:15
    saying it said forgiveness is an act of
  • 00:00:19
    Consciousness and I thought G it made me
  • 00:00:22
    want to well throw away the tea let's
  • 00:00:24
    put it that way and not buy from that
  • 00:00:26
    company anymore now why why would I say
  • 00:00:30
    such a thing everybody loves forgiveness
  • 00:00:32
    it's such a kind thing to do it's a
  • 00:00:34
    mature thing to do it's a conscious
  • 00:00:36
    thing to do people from time to time
  • 00:00:38
    tell me I need to forgive you need to
  • 00:00:40
    forgive your parents and I don't agree
  • 00:00:45
    actually what I have found in my life is
  • 00:00:48
    that not forgiving my parents is the
  • 00:00:51
    thing that saved my life and I actually
  • 00:00:55
    have a lot of experience with forgiving
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    my parents I spent my childhood my teen
  • 00:01:01
    years forgiving my parents because I had
  • 00:01:06
    to it was a survival mechanism for me
  • 00:01:11
    they did a lot of crazy and horrible and
  • 00:01:14
    unethical things to me traumatizing
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    things to me yet I needed them I was
  • 00:01:21
    dependent on them I was emotionally
  • 00:01:23
    dependent on them I was financially
  • 00:01:25
    dependent upon them so I had to forgive
  • 00:01:29
    them I had to push away my feelings that
  • 00:01:32
    didn't want to forgive them that wanted
  • 00:01:34
    to be hurt wanted to be angry wanted to
  • 00:01:36
    be upset wanted to confront them wanted
  • 00:01:38
    to call them out wanted to say that is
  • 00:01:41
    not acceptable parental behavior from
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    you but I couldn't do it and actually I
  • 00:01:49
    had tried I'd long since tried many many
  • 00:01:52
    times tried to say don't do that I don't
  • 00:01:54
    like that that doesn't make me feel good
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    and the response I got from my parents
  • 00:02:00
    both my parents my mother and my father
  • 00:02:04
    over and over and over again was
  • 00:02:06
    Rejection it was extremely painful for
  • 00:02:10
    me I was rejected by them again and
  • 00:02:15
    again because they couldn't grow they
  • 00:02:18
    couldn't change they couldn't look at
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    themselves they couldn't accept any sort
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    of outside eye saying what you're doing
  • 00:02:25
    is not
  • 00:02:27
    okay they actually pushed me to never
  • 00:02:30
    tell anybody about what they did and
  • 00:02:32
    this is a big part of why I became
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    traumatized because when you can't talk
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    about the bad things that are happening
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    to you when you're not allowed to feel
  • 00:02:41
    your own feelings you have no choice but
  • 00:02:44
    to push it down to split off from
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    yourself and in so many different ways I
  • 00:02:50
    lost myself all that pain and hurt and
  • 00:02:54
    anguish and
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    Desperation rage even went way down down
  • 00:03:00
    deep inside of me and it was covered
  • 00:03:03
    over
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    by forgiveness and I got really rewarded
  • 00:03:10
    for my forgiveness I remember my dad
  • 00:03:12
    even saying you're a real man Daniel
  • 00:03:15
    when I was what 12 13 14 years old
  • 00:03:18
    you're so mature basically he was saying
  • 00:03:21
    the same message that the teabag I had
  • 00:03:24
    said you're a very conscious person your
  • 00:03:27
    forgiveness is an act of
  • 00:03:32
    Consciousness and it
  • 00:03:34
    wasn't my forgiveness was an act of
  • 00:03:39
    desperation fast forward I did slowly
  • 00:03:42
    break out of my family I I still I got
  • 00:03:45
    far away from them geographically I
  • 00:03:48
    learned how to become financially
  • 00:03:50
    independent and I started finding in my
  • 00:03:54
    mind in my heart that my feelings could
  • 00:03:57
    come back I could remember what had
  • 00:03:59
    happened I could suddenly say wait
  • 00:04:02
    that's not okay I I I don't just
  • 00:04:04
    suddenly forgive them because I don't
  • 00:04:06
    need to anymore I I want to instead
  • 00:04:09
    explore how I really feel and how I
  • 00:04:13
    really felt about what happened to me
  • 00:04:17
    for years for decades and so I started
  • 00:04:20
    feeling my feelings it was very scary
  • 00:04:24
    and I will say this this was the
  • 00:04:26
    beginning of my healing process and this
  • 00:04:29
    was an act of
  • 00:04:32
    Consciousness I don't I don't like to be
  • 00:04:34
    self-aggrandizing and say oh you're such
  • 00:04:36
    a brave guy Daniel but it was terrifying
  • 00:04:40
    to do this to do this self-exploration
  • 00:04:44
    to feel these
  • 00:04:45
    feelings and for that reason I will say
  • 00:04:48
    it is brave it was courageous because
  • 00:04:50
    there was a lot of pressure on me to do
  • 00:04:53
    the opposite I remember again and again
  • 00:04:56
    again with everybody in my life talking
  • 00:04:58
    about what I was going through just sort
  • 00:05:00
    of almost like an anthropologist just
  • 00:05:03
    describing myself and my Pro process and
  • 00:05:06
    saying this is what I am going through
  • 00:05:08
    and people really criticizing me for it
  • 00:05:12
    and the worst criticism came from within
  • 00:05:16
    my own family from my parents again now
  • 00:05:19
    I was an adult and saying wait a second
  • 00:05:21
    what happened really wasn't
  • 00:05:23
    okay that wasn't right what you did
  • 00:05:26
    Mother Father both of you by now they
  • 00:05:28
    were divorced moved on to to new lives
  • 00:05:30
    new
  • 00:05:32
    partners and what I found is that they
  • 00:05:35
    became highly critical of me again and
  • 00:05:40
    this taught me a lot because what I
  • 00:05:42
    learned is if for me Daniel as a grown
  • 00:05:46
    man 25 30 years old by 30 I was a
  • 00:05:51
    psychotherapist and it was still really
  • 00:05:53
    hard for me I'm like I was doing this
  • 00:05:55
    professionally for a living helping
  • 00:05:56
    other people on this process if it is
  • 00:05:59
    this hard for me at 30 years old now I'm
  • 00:06:02
    50 51 almost
  • 00:06:04
    52 if it is this hard for me now and it
  • 00:06:09
    still is by the way this gave me a lot
  • 00:06:12
    of empathy for
  • 00:06:13
    how fundamentally impossible it was for
  • 00:06:17
    me to feel these feelings as a child and
  • 00:06:21
    so when I read a teabag that says
  • 00:06:22
    forgiveness is an act of Consciousness
  • 00:06:24
    it it's just ridiculous because as a
  • 00:06:26
    child totally an act of survival and
  • 00:06:29
    nowadays in my life because people still
  • 00:06:32
    from time to time tell me oh you need to
  • 00:06:35
    forgive your parents I mean I see that
  • 00:06:37
    in comments on my YouTube channel on
  • 00:06:39
    this channel sometimes and people out in
  • 00:06:41
    the world sometimes tell me oh you need
  • 00:06:42
    to forgive your parents
  • 00:06:45
    and really now what I translate it to
  • 00:06:49
    mean because I I understand what they're
  • 00:06:51
    really meaning what they're they're not
  • 00:06:52
    saying forgive your parents what they're
  • 00:06:55
    saying is dissociate they're saying
  • 00:06:57
    split off your feelings they're saying
  • 00:06:59
    push your feelings down bury them go
  • 00:07:01
    into
  • 00:07:03
    denial even become spiritual oh it's a
  • 00:07:06
    spiritually positive thing you're you're
  • 00:07:08
    a brave person to forgive no no no
  • 00:07:11
    you're not a brave person to forgive
  • 00:07:13
    you're a brave person not to
  • 00:07:17
    forgive
  • 00:07:20
    and yet I so rarely hear the message
  • 00:07:25
    that I'm sharing about forgiveness
  • 00:07:27
    that's probably why I'm driven to come
  • 00:07:29
    back here and share it again I've talked
  • 00:07:30
    about forgiveness on this YouTube
  • 00:07:33
    channel I think the last time maybe 5
  • 00:07:34
    years ago the first time more than 10
  • 00:07:36
    years ago and there really isn't much
  • 00:07:39
    out there about the awfulness of
  • 00:07:42
    forgiveness even the danger of
  • 00:07:44
    forgiveness what happens when people
  • 00:07:48
    forgive they lose themselves they lose
  • 00:07:51
    the part of themselves that is
  • 00:07:54
    healing that part disappears and goes
  • 00:07:57
    away now another one that goes hand
  • 00:07:59
    inand with people saying forgiveness is
  • 00:08:01
    an act of Consciousness another one is
  • 00:08:04
    you have to understand why your parents
  • 00:08:07
    did the things they did you have to
  • 00:08:08
    empathize with them they did the bad
  • 00:08:10
    things that they did for a reason they
  • 00:08:13
    came from difficult lives too well of
  • 00:08:16
    course they did of course they came from
  • 00:08:18
    rotten backgrounds people who come from
  • 00:08:20
    really healthy backgrounds don't
  • 00:08:22
    traumatize other people people who grew
  • 00:08:25
    up with really loving healthy parents
  • 00:08:27
    don't traumatize their own children so
  • 00:08:30
    of course my parents came from rotten
  • 00:08:31
    backgrounds I'm full well aware of that
  • 00:08:36
    but in order to heal in order to heal
  • 00:08:40
    the traumas they inflicted on me it does
  • 00:08:43
    nothing for me to empathize with them I
  • 00:08:48
    have to empathize with me I have to feel
  • 00:08:51
    my own feelings and that's been the only
  • 00:08:53
    thing that's helped me grow helped me
  • 00:08:56
    become an independent much much much
  • 00:08:59
    more mature person so when people say oh
  • 00:09:03
    you need to side with your parents you
  • 00:09:05
    need to side with the little traumatized
  • 00:09:09
    person inside of them who did those
  • 00:09:11
    horrible things to you really what
  • 00:09:13
    they're saying is you need to sell
  • 00:09:15
    yourself out and you need to take the
  • 00:09:17
    side of your traumatizer so my response
  • 00:09:20
    is wait a second so if someone on the
  • 00:09:22
    street randomly comes over beats me up
  • 00:09:24
    rapes me hurts me Cuts me up with a
  • 00:09:27
    knife or something like that I'm
  • 00:09:29
    supposed to empathize with them I'm
  • 00:09:32
    supposed to forgive them what about my
  • 00:09:34
    healing
  • 00:09:35
    process now I will say
  • 00:09:38
    this because people also say you know oh
  • 00:09:41
    if you don't forgive you're just living
  • 00:09:43
    in bitterness you are a bitter person
  • 00:09:46
    well
  • 00:09:48
    bitterness is a stage of the healing
  • 00:09:51
    process it's a very honorable respectful
  • 00:09:54
    stage of the healing process traumatized
  • 00:09:56
    people are supposed to feel bitter
  • 00:10:00
    maybe for a long long time that's part
  • 00:10:02
    of the healing process those bitter
  • 00:10:04
    feelings need to come up but what I
  • 00:10:06
    found in the areas in which I have
  • 00:10:09
    healed my traumas I'm not fully healed
  • 00:10:11
    but in a lot of areas I've done a lot of
  • 00:10:14
    huge amount of healing I've become much
  • 00:10:16
    less bitter have I forgiven my parents
  • 00:10:20
    in those parts of
  • 00:10:22
    myself perhaps but the thing to me is
  • 00:10:26
    not that it's any Act of Consciousness
  • 00:10:30
    that I've done it's just a natural
  • 00:10:33
    byproduct of the healing process that
  • 00:10:36
    I'm not so bitter at them for those
  • 00:10:39
    things anymore now in the areas where
  • 00:10:42
    I'm still unhealed because there are
  • 00:10:44
    still some areas going really deep into
  • 00:10:46
    the core of my early early childhood
  • 00:10:50
    where I'm not healed and I think
  • 00:10:51
    probably deep down I'm still bitter in
  • 00:10:53
    some ways
  • 00:10:56
    and so I honor that and I love that and
  • 00:11:01
    I love that about myself and to wrap all
  • 00:11:05
    this up I think my Act of Consciousness
  • 00:11:10
    my stand of
  • 00:11:12
    Bravery is to say no to the people who
  • 00:11:15
    say
  • 00:11:16
    forgive to say no to the people who say
  • 00:11:19
    empathize to my parents and to say yes
  • 00:11:23
    to my own healing
  • 00:11:26
    process painful healing process but a
  • 00:11:29
    healing process of progress where I have
  • 00:11:33
    progressively come back to me and I've
  • 00:11:35
    seen the same thing in a lot of other
  • 00:11:39
    [Music]
  • 00:11:49
    people
Etiquetas
  • forgiveness
  • trauma
  • healing
  • consciousness
  • family relationships
  • empathy
  • self-exploration
  • bitterness
  • emotional health
  • personal growth