00:00:04
happiness,
00:00:09
temptation
00:00:12
and desire.
00:00:15
To become one with another person.
00:00:19
It's called love and is much more than a
00:00:20
feeling.
00:00:24
[Music]
00:00:26
foreign.
00:00:42
I think it's important not to reserve
00:00:46
the word love for romantic
00:00:48
relationships, but to see how it plays
00:00:51
out in everyday interactions.
00:00:53
>> People think of love as a very passive
00:00:55
experience. you just fall into love or
00:00:57
you fall out of love. And in a way
00:00:59
that's very immature and irresponsible
00:01:01
because if you're trying to make a
00:01:03
partnership work with someone, you want
00:01:04
to understand a little bit about how
00:01:06
love works.
00:01:08
>> That's exactly what scientists around
00:01:10
the world want to find out what exactly
00:01:13
is love, what happens in our hearts and
00:01:16
brains, and how can you make love last a
00:01:19
lifetime?
00:01:20
[Music]
00:01:42
Love is a basic need.
00:01:44
As babies, we experience it for the
00:01:46
first time.
00:01:49
Parental love is instinctual and
00:01:52
unconditional.
00:01:54
Mothers and fathers love everything
00:01:58
about their babies.
00:01:59
[Music]
00:02:02
The way they look, the way they smell,
00:02:05
the sounds they make.
00:02:07
For a mother, being close to her child
00:02:10
eclipses all other needs.
00:02:12
This is biologically pre-programmed
00:02:14
because human babies cannot survive
00:02:16
without parental care.
00:02:18
[Music]
00:02:21
For them, parental love is as important
00:02:24
as food and drink.
00:02:26
[Music]
00:02:30
>> Here is baby 106.
00:02:32
>> The American psychologist Harry Harlow
00:02:34
proved this in the 1950s with
00:02:36
controversial experiments in which he
00:02:38
separated baby monkeys from their
00:02:38
mothers.
00:02:41
>> Now, we'll take the baby monkey out and
00:02:44
put in a wire mother.
00:02:46
Harlo wanted to prove the importance of
00:02:49
caregiving and companionship.
00:02:50
The monkeys were fed from a bottle of
00:02:53
milk hanging from a wire mother. A
00:02:56
second mother had a face and a fur coat,
00:03:00
but no milk.
00:03:00
The monkeys briefly went to the milk
00:03:05
mother to drink, but spent the rest of
00:03:08
their time with their cuddlier further.
00:03:10
When the monkeys grew up, they showed
00:03:14
severe signs of social disorders.
00:03:16
These experiments proved for the first
00:03:21
time how vital maternal love is.
00:03:22
>> Researchers today employ less cruel
00:03:26
techniques to find out how important
00:03:28
love is for babies. For example, by
00:03:31
analyzing their saliva.
00:03:33
>> When a child feels stressed or anxious,
00:03:36
the stress hormone cortisol can be found
00:03:39
in its saliva.
00:03:41
Ya and her mother, Hilka, take part in a
00:03:46
so-called still face test in which the
00:03:48
mother is not allowed to show her child
00:03:52
any affection for 2 minutes.
00:03:57
[Music]
00:04:04
[Music]
00:04:09
Get this. He gets dam.
00:04:26
Fore
00:04:39
of the effect.
00:04:59
[Music]
00:05:03
So our experience of love during early
00:05:06
infancy shapes our ability to form
00:05:10
meaningful relationships later in life.
00:05:12
But there are some mothers who cannot
00:05:14
feel love for their babies, for example,
00:05:19
because of post-natal depression.
00:05:20
The researchers want to find out which
00:05:26
factors influence the maternal bond.
00:05:27
Using a scanner to determine the blood
00:05:31
flow to the reward center in the
00:05:33
mother's brain, they can measure
00:05:35
maternal love.
00:05:38
[Music]
00:05:43
The researchers see the same baby photos
00:05:49
as the mother lying in the scanner. A
00:05:51
gauge shows how strongly the mother's
00:05:53
reward center is activated. The mother
00:05:56
sees this too, and this enables her to
00:05:58
determine how strong her maternal bond
00:06:01
is. This process is called neuro
00:06:04
feedback.
00:06:07
Fore.
00:06:11
[Music]
00:06:27
Using the power of her brain, the mother
00:06:32
can let her feelings grow, and she's
00:06:34
able to straight away see the positive
00:06:37
results of her exercises.
00:06:51
We can practice love thanks to the
00:06:54
particular way in which our brain
00:06:57
functions. Our feelings are regulated by
00:06:59
hormones and neurotransmitters
00:07:01
and we can consciously control their
00:07:04
release.
00:07:05
complex.
00:07:20
The substance that excites scientists
00:07:26
like Barta Ditson is called oxytocin,
00:07:30
the so-called hug hormone.
00:07:33
It can be administered as a nasal spray,
00:07:34
but it's mainly produced by the body
00:07:37
itself.
00:07:38
>> Oxytocin is a chemical substance
00:07:43
produced in the brain.
00:07:45
This neuro hormone creates the feeling
00:07:47
of love.
00:07:50
That's why oxytocin is also called the
00:07:52
cuddle chemical
00:07:54
via the bloodstream. It carries its
00:07:57
biochemical message throughout the body,
00:07:59
priming it for affection, tenderness,
00:08:02
and trust.
00:08:04
>> Oxytocin was discovered in 1906 as the
00:08:10
hormone that triggers labor.
00:08:12
Then scientists realized that it was
00:08:14
also responsible for the production of
00:08:16
breast milk.
00:08:17
[Music]
00:08:19
Today we know that oxytocin regulates
00:08:22
the maternal bond and triggers parental
00:08:24
care.
00:08:26
>> So well preserved throughout the animal.
00:08:28
>> Scientists say that oxytocin regulates
00:08:31
our social interactions and thus ensures
00:08:34
the survival of our species.
00:08:36
It controls relationships not only in
00:08:39
humans but also in other social animals
00:08:42
including worms, ants and rats.
00:08:43
described for measuring
00:08:46
>> humans studying oxytocin in human is
00:08:49
like studying of Pandora box we don't
00:08:51
know what is going in the brain of
00:08:54
humans and to understand physiological
00:08:56
role of oxytocin of course you need the
00:08:59
models and uh the best model would be
00:09:03
social animals
00:09:05
>> in these rats the researchers can
00:09:07
control the release of oxytocin with
00:09:09
considerable effects on the social
00:09:12
behavior of the animals
00:09:14
If you stimulate oxytocin, they became
00:09:19
more
00:09:22
social. They interact basically all the
00:09:25
time. Then the cells, oxytocin cells,
00:09:28
release oxytocin.
00:09:29
Sniffing, stroking, cuddling.
00:09:34
Researchers still know little about what
00:09:37
triggers the release of oxytocin.
00:09:39
But one thing they do know is that
00:09:41
without this hormone, rats would be less
00:09:42
social
00:09:45
[Music]
00:09:50
and humans wouldn't fall in love.
00:09:51
Infatuation is like a biochemical
00:09:56
explosion. And oxytocin sends lovers
00:09:59
hearts racing
00:10:01
quite literally because the heart is
00:10:06
particularly susceptible to its effects.
00:10:08
Recent studies show that it can even
00:10:12
produce the hug hormone itself. But love
00:10:15
creates even greater chaos in the brain.
00:10:17
Here it flicks so many biochemical
00:10:20
switches that acute infatuation actually
00:10:23
resembles a psychotic disorder.
00:10:27
[Music]
00:10:28
Our highly developed mind goes crazy in
00:10:34
love.
00:10:34
The neurobiologist Lucy Brown says that
00:10:40
love is more than a feeling. Love is a
00:10:43
drive like hunger and thirst. And once
00:10:47
more, love really does make us blind.
00:10:50
>> It's the front of the brain that is
00:10:53
constantly judging other people. Just as
00:10:54
you walk down the street, you see
00:10:56
someone coming toward you, you may
00:10:58
notice their shoes, you may notice how
00:11:00
they walk, is their hair long, how
00:11:02
unusual are they. You're we're
00:11:06
constantly engaged in social judgments.
00:11:08
People who are in the early stages of
00:11:10
romantic love
00:11:12
um when we look at the functional
00:11:15
activity shut this part of the brain
00:11:16
down.
00:11:19
You you just don't engage in social
00:11:21
judgments of the person you're in love
00:11:24
with. You shut the you shut off that
00:11:26
judgment.
00:11:29
>> During infatuation, evolutionary old
00:11:32
structures of our brain take over. It's
00:11:34
here that all these hormones are
00:11:36
produced that influence our behavior so
00:11:39
heavily that love is a feeling we simply
00:11:43
cannot control.
00:11:46
>> It may seem mad to switch off common
00:11:52
sense,
00:11:52
but for the evolutionary biologist
00:11:57
Thomas Junker, the craziness of love
00:12:00
makes perfect sense.
00:12:05
Kinderville.
00:12:10
[Music]
00:12:28
[Music]
00:12:33
But why her? Why him?
00:12:35
Why are we attracted to some people but
00:12:38
not others?
00:12:38
At first, it's all about looks.
00:12:44
In the blink of an eye, we scan our
00:12:46
potential partner and collect
00:12:49
information about their age, health,
00:12:53
mood, and social status.
00:12:56
Men have an eye for women with
00:13:00
symmetrical faces.
00:13:02
[Music]
00:13:06
Large eyes, full lips, high foreheads,
00:13:09
and of course, female proportions.
00:13:11
Men usually find young, healthy women
00:13:14
attractive.
00:13:14
In men, women look for a strong chin,
00:13:21
broad shoulders, narrow hips, and quite
00:13:25
often a certain social status.
00:13:30
But in the end, the chemistry has to be
00:13:37
right. More precisely, the body odor.
00:13:40
Our nose is not as easily fooled as our
00:13:43
eyes, as this test tries to show.
00:13:48
>> Hello. Hello. Hello.
00:13:49
>> This student couple is taking part in an
00:13:54
experiment.
00:13:56
Everyone brings a t-shirt they wore
00:13:58
overnight. The test persons are now
00:14:01
offered five t-shirts worn by strangers
00:14:04
plus that of their partner.
00:14:06
They have to evaluate which odor they
00:14:08
find attractive.
00:14:09
People can sniff out other people's
00:14:11
immune systems and usually choose
00:14:13
partners who have a different immune
00:14:16
system to themselves.
00:14:18
This way, nature ensures that the
00:14:20
offspring get a good mix of defense
00:14:23
mechanisms.
00:14:24
>> But old-fashioned scientist Ela Croy
00:14:29
wants to know whether we really always
00:14:31
prefer a foreign smell to a familiar
00:14:35
one. She lets mothers sniff at rompers
00:14:37
worn by their own babies and worn by
00:14:38
strangers.
00:14:40
She says that mothers prefer the smell
00:14:42
of their own children because they smell
00:14:44
like themselves. But all this changes
00:14:48
with puberty.
00:14:59
The fatherion.
00:15:26
The study also confirms the assumption
00:15:30
that women sniff out genetic differences
00:15:32
better than men who don't seem to have a
00:15:36
nose for this.
00:15:57
So, it's the woman who gets a whiff of
00:16:01
whether the man is a good genetic match
00:16:07
or not, unless she's on the pill.
00:16:11
Foreign
00:16:20
speech. Foreign speech. Foreign speech.
00:16:36
However, scientists are still unable to
00:16:40
say whether using the pill really
00:16:43
influences a woman's choice of partner.
00:16:45
But what's certain is that the first
00:16:49
kiss is a kind of lipmus test.
00:16:52
In studies, women stated that they could
00:16:54
tell by a kiss whether their partner was
00:16:56
suitable for a long-term relationship or
00:16:59
not.
00:17:00
During kissing, the partners
00:17:04
instinctively exchange biological
00:17:07
messages. In a flash, our brain has to
00:17:10
evaluate vast amounts of information.
00:17:12
How does the other person smell and
00:17:15
taste? Are their lips soft or rough? The
00:17:18
kiss hard or tender. Happiness hormones
00:17:20
flood the body. And through his saliva,
00:17:22
the man infuses the woman with
00:17:24
testosterone.
00:17:28
This makes her want more.
00:17:28
Sex is a love booster. Sex hormones
00:17:34
reduce anxiety and stress. Blood
00:17:36
pressure and heart rate go up just like
00:17:39
during exercise.
00:17:41
That's why sex is good for the
00:17:44
cardiovascular system.
00:17:47
It also strengthens the immune system by
00:17:50
exposing it to foreign body fluids.
00:17:53
In short, sex is much more than just
00:17:54
reproduction.
00:17:59
[Music]
00:18:02
out mention
00:18:05
[Music]
00:18:30
Finding the right partner has been a bit
00:18:34
of a hit and miss affair for millions of
00:18:36
years,
00:18:40
but that's about to change.
00:18:43
[Music]
00:18:43
More and more singles meet online rather
00:18:51
than at parties, in the pub, or at work.
00:18:54
In the 21st century, dating has gone
00:19:00
digital.
00:19:01
[Music]
00:19:20
At that time, Bianca worked a lot and
00:19:24
didn't go out much. Mark was working
00:19:29
abroad but wanted to return to Germany.
00:19:34
Foreign
00:19:39
speech. Foreign speech. Foreign speech.
00:19:49
for
00:19:57
Mark and Bianca met each other because
00:20:03
of this man, Hugo.
00:20:05
As a psychologist, he believes that two
00:20:07
things in life should be carefully
00:20:10
planned. Finding the right job and
00:20:12
finding the right partner. So he
00:20:15
developed a job test and a personality
00:20:18
test for a dating site.
00:20:21
[Music]
00:20:38
Based on this principle, Hugo Schmaler
00:20:43
developed a partnership test.
00:20:45
A computer records the character traits
00:20:47
that are important for a good and
00:20:50
lasting relationship.
00:20:59
more than a 100 questions about
00:21:02
character traits and personal
00:21:05
preferences, but also questions and
00:21:08
images that seem odd at first. For
00:21:10
example, the question of whether a
00:21:15
broken heart affects your appetite.
00:21:19
According
00:21:30
to Hugo Schmala, both partners must be
00:21:36
equally passionate, otherwise they don't
00:21:38
match. But can something as complex as
00:21:43
love simply be calculated?
00:22:01
[Music]
00:22:06
Mark and Biana exchanged messages for
00:22:08
weeks before they met for the first
00:22:10
time.
00:22:16
[Music]
00:22:32
Okay.
00:22:49
Um
00:23:13
Yeah.
00:23:17
>> Today, Mark and Bianca have three
00:23:21
children and enjoy their family life.
00:23:23
All thanks to the algorithm which
00:23:27
matched them up.
00:23:31
Scientists are just beginning to study
00:23:37
online dating and its impact on love.
00:23:42
Like sexual therapist Melanie Butner.
00:23:54
[Music]
00:24:09
Online dating.
00:24:22
Ironically, modern technology promotes
00:24:29
traditional concepts such as marriage.
00:24:30
The ear is
00:24:36
vinegar.
00:24:49
[Music]
00:24:54
However, this is not true for all
00:24:56
countries. In Japan, for example,
00:24:59
increasing anonymity has brought about a
00:25:01
new trend.
00:25:04
>> Many women want to have a wedding, but
00:25:07
just for the beautiful ceremony and not
00:25:09
for the often less beautiful
00:25:10
relationship.
00:25:14
Hence the idea of solo weddings without
00:25:18
knights in shining armor.
00:25:24
According
00:25:29
[Music]
00:25:42
to statistics, one in two Japanese under
00:25:48
the age of 30 has never had sex and has
00:25:51
never had a partner. In Japan,
00:25:55
relationships are out.
00:25:56
[Music]
00:25:58
Maybe that's because a relationship can
00:26:00
become routine.
00:26:02
This usually happens after about 2
00:26:04
years.
00:26:06
Emotional turmoil turns into
00:26:08
tranquility.
00:26:11
Some couples separate, but others enter
00:26:13
a new phase of love.
00:26:15
[Music]
00:26:17
>> Support and security become more
00:26:21
important than passion.
00:26:24
Love may not be so exciting anymore,
00:26:30
>> but it is healthier.
00:26:32
>> People in functioning relationships are
00:26:35
less sick and eat a more balanced diet,
00:26:37
although they don't necessarily eat
00:26:40
less.
00:26:41
>> Still, studies show that a healthy
00:26:45
relationship protects against
00:26:49
cardiovascular disease.
00:26:52
Caressing reduces stress and lowers
00:26:54
heart rate and blood pressure.
00:26:57
>> And kissing even helps against hay
00:27:00
fever.
00:27:00
Responsible for many of these positive
00:27:05
health effects is again oxytocin.
00:27:07
If you give it to couples as a nasal
00:27:12
spray, they even argue less.
00:27:21
conflict.
00:27:26
This is posit.
00:27:44
[Music]
00:27:52
In a recent study, the scientists wanted
00:27:56
to know whether oxytocin makes wounds
00:27:58
heal faster.
00:28:00
For this, they inflicted small burns on
00:28:02
the forearms of both partners, which
00:28:06
usually take a week to heal. But do they
00:28:08
heal faster when a loving partner is at
00:28:11
your side? And can oxytocin spray speed
00:28:14
things up? One person gets oxytocin, the
00:28:18
other a placebo.
00:28:28
A week later, the astonishing result.
00:28:33
The nasal spray made him care more for
00:28:36
her. She felt better, and that's why her
00:28:40
wounds healed faster.
00:28:41
[Music]
00:28:44
This could be because oxytocin reduces
00:28:46
stress levels.
00:28:48
The scientists regularly tested the
00:28:52
participants saliva for cortisol.
00:28:54
Our body releases this hormone as a
00:28:57
reaction to stress. But oxytocin seems
00:29:00
to interfere with this mechanism.
00:29:04
[Music]
00:29:23
So, love can actually have healing
00:29:27
powers.
00:29:30
Oxytocin with its biochemical benefits
00:29:32
can make our lives not only more
00:29:36
beautiful but also healthier.
00:29:40
[Music]
00:29:45
Cuddling is like medicine. It stimulates
00:29:48
the immune system and boosts our body's
00:29:51
defenses.
00:29:52
>> Oh yeah.
00:29:54
>> Stroking activates pressure sensors in
00:30:00
our skin. And this releases oxytocin.
00:30:00
But it also activates a very special
00:30:06
nerve, the vagus nerve.
00:30:08
This nerve regulates the activity of
00:30:11
almost all our internal organs. It
00:30:13
controls feelings of fear and stress,
00:30:18
but also of love and satisfaction.
00:30:20
For psychologist Barbara Frederickson, a
00:30:25
well-trained vagus nerve is essential
00:30:30
for a healthy life filled with love.
00:30:31
It's a key way in which um our brain and
00:30:37
heart communicate. Now, uh physicians
00:30:40
have been interested in it because it's
00:30:43
the strength of the vagus nerve is uh an
00:30:46
index of how the body re regulates not
00:30:49
only the cardiovascular system but also
00:30:52
um uh inflammation and glucose.
00:30:54
Psychologists have been interested in
00:30:56
the functioning of the vagus nerve
00:30:59
because it predicts people's ability to
00:31:01
regulate their attention and regulate
00:31:05
their emotions and uh people with higher
00:31:07
functioning vag nerves also have better
00:31:08
social skill.
00:31:09
>> Thanks for coming in today.
00:31:11
>> In her lab, she investigates how
00:31:14
positive emotions affect the nerve.
00:31:16
>> Hello. Hi. Thanks for being in our
00:31:19
study. David here will be taking the
00:31:21
final measurements. Okay,
00:31:22
>> so we're going to start with this one on
00:31:24
the right side.
00:31:26
>> The scientists think that the vagus
00:31:28
nerve can be exercised. They can prove
00:31:31
how well this works by measuring two
00:31:34
values, the heart rate and the
00:31:37
respiratory frequency.
00:31:40
>> So this is what our data looks like. We
00:31:42
can zoom in and here you can see really
00:31:45
nice respirations
00:31:47
>> versus
00:31:48
expiration.
00:31:51
The key factor is the time between two
00:31:53
heartbeats and two breaths.
00:31:56
>> It's most efficient for your heart to
00:31:57
beat a little faster while you're
00:31:59
breathing in because that's when you
00:32:02
have freshly oxygenated blood. But um
00:32:04
and it makes sense for your heart to
00:32:06
take a bit of a breather to slow down a
00:32:08
bit while you're exhaling because
00:32:10
there's not that freshly oxygenated
00:32:13
blood. Um, you know, researchers used to
00:32:16
think of uh this heart rate variability
00:32:19
as fairly stable, kind of like your
00:32:22
height once you're an adult, but now we
00:32:24
know that there are um different
00:32:26
activities that can improve the
00:32:28
functioning of the vag nerve.
00:32:31
>> Positive thinking can exercise the vag
00:32:34
nerve. Thinking of your friends, your
00:32:36
beloved pet, or your beautiful garden
00:32:39
makes the nerve work better. Every
00:32:41
contact with another living being is
00:32:44
love for a tiny moment.
00:32:46
>> The uh best example of a micro moment of
00:32:49
love is uh smiling at a baby. You know,
00:32:51
it doesn't even have to be your baby. It
00:32:53
can be the baby on the plane or the baby
00:32:55
in the restaurant.
00:32:58
>> And that those moments are like a
00:33:00
positive health behavior as important as
00:33:02
eating our fruits and vegetables or
00:33:04
staying physically active. And they're
00:33:06
forever renewable and the opportunities
00:33:08
for them abound.
00:33:11
So love isn't limited to great romance.
00:33:13
It's also the many small positive
00:33:15
moments that make our lives worth
00:33:18
living.
00:33:20
[Music]
00:33:27
But love can also hurt. A breakup can
00:33:29
cause emotional suffering and physical
00:33:32
pain.
00:33:34
A severe form of heartache even has a
00:33:39
clinical definition,
00:33:41
broken heart syndrome,
00:33:45
and it can kill.
00:33:46
The symptoms are the same as for a heart
00:33:50
attack. The heart suddenly stops beating
00:33:51
properly.
00:33:53
Women after menopause are particularly
00:33:56
affected.
00:33:56
Elizabeth Pompilli almost died of broken
00:34:02
heart syndrome. A year ago, she lost her
00:34:05
partner. His death brought back memories
00:34:09
of a terrible accident 20 years ago.
00:34:35
shortly after the death of her daughter,
00:34:40
her husband passed away. And when
00:34:42
Elizabeth Pompilly's new partner died a
00:34:47
year ago, her heart finally broke.
00:34:49
partner.
00:35:03
Her heart stopped working. When she was
00:35:07
admitted to hospital, the doctors
00:35:10
initially thought of a heart attack, but
00:35:11
the results of the cardiac catheter
00:35:14
examination surprised everybody.
00:35:16
Elizabeth's heart vessels were in
00:35:20
perfect health. The heart had collapsed
00:35:22
for another reason,
00:35:26
broken heart syndrome.
00:35:29
>> The disease affects the blood supply to
00:35:34
the heart muscle and as a result, the
00:35:36
heart no longer pumps enough blood into
00:35:39
the body.
00:35:41
I'm
00:35:46
super
00:36:11
shineless.
00:36:15
The checkup shows that Elizabeth
00:36:17
Pompilly's heart is fully functional
00:36:22
again. And she's even found a new love.
00:36:39
Morgan Morgan.
00:36:50
The daily grind often puts love to the
00:36:54
test.
00:36:57
Arguments and complaints replace desire
00:37:00
and tenderness.
00:37:03
>> Always the same old fights over the same
00:37:09
old things.
00:37:15
>> In Seattle, scientists analyze such
00:37:20
arguments.
00:37:22
At the Gottman Institute's Love Lab,
00:37:24
Carrie Cole helps couples to better
00:37:28
manage their conflicts.
00:37:28
The psychologist firmly believes in
00:37:34
lifelong love.
00:37:34
[Music]
00:37:39
>> Oh, absolutely. My parents were married
00:37:41
for 58 and a half years when my father
00:37:45
died and he was her night and shining
00:37:47
armor and she was his princess. That's
00:37:50
the way it always was. So, I do believe
00:37:53
in that. Um, I do believe that it's
00:37:55
important. The way that we speak to
00:37:56
people and treat people is very
00:37:59
important.
00:38:01
>> Lori and Jeff have been together for
00:38:02
over 20 years.
00:38:03
>> Hi, Carrie. Jeff Patrick.
00:38:04
>> Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you,
00:38:04
Jeff.
00:38:06
>> But they feel that they've lost the
00:38:08
great love they once shared.
00:38:12
I'm realizing that our love has has I I
00:38:13
don't know if I want to go to say as far
00:38:16
as atrophied, but it has really
00:38:20
begun to take a far back seat. It's not
00:38:22
it's hard to find it. Sometimes I think
00:38:25
about it. Am I in love with Jeff?
00:38:28
I don't know. I love Jeff.
00:38:31
>> Just life can be very busy when you have
00:38:34
stressful jobs and you have um kids in
00:38:36
the house that you have to um think
00:38:39
about constantly. there there sometimes
00:38:43
isn't enough time to um stop and listen
00:38:45
and pay attention to your relationship
00:38:46
with your spouse.
00:38:48
>> So, I'd like to tell you a little bit
00:38:50
about what we're going to do today. Um
00:38:51
we will start
00:38:53
>> for the next eight hours. Carrie Cole
00:38:55
will observe Lorie and Jeff's
00:38:56
interactions
00:38:59
>> and got together.
00:39:01
>> Their first task explain why they fell
00:39:03
in love with each other in the first
00:39:05
place. not, you know, just different
00:39:08
than sometimes some of the college guys,
00:39:12
>> not not um not a surface
00:39:13
person.
00:39:16
>> I think Lori Lori, you know, was just um
00:39:18
she she always has that smile as you can
00:39:21
see. Uh and she was somebody that I've
00:39:23
been thought was extremely attractive
00:39:27
from very from day one. And so,
00:39:29
>> but these days, Lori complains that Jeff
00:39:31
pulls back.
00:39:34
a lot of should should and and anxiety
00:39:37
that that things aren't in your mind the
00:39:39
way that they should be
00:39:43
>> and whereas my psychological makeup
00:39:46
sometimes I I want to I just wanted that
00:39:49
makes me want to retreat that was a lot
00:39:51
that much different.
00:39:53
Well, I think, you know, it's it's
00:39:56
important to to embrace being
00:39:57
uncomfortable, to to get into a zone
00:40:00
where, you know, it's it's only helpful
00:40:02
if both people say what's on their
00:40:04
what's on their minds and in their
00:40:04
hearts.
00:40:08
>> I'm not I'm kind of numb.
00:40:11
>> And that's not a place I want to be. I
00:40:13
don't want to model that for my
00:40:17
daughters. I want my daughters to see um
00:40:20
a real relationship, you know, love,
00:40:22
conflict, togetherness,
00:40:24
>> pre-fied preparations.
00:40:25
>> I forgot to tell you about it.
00:40:27
>> Before Lori and Jeff go into a crisis
00:40:30
talk at the love lab, they are wired up.
00:40:32
Electrodes will record how strongly they
00:40:34
react to each other, how angry they
00:40:37
become, how stressed they are.
00:40:40
>> Carrie listens and watches.
00:40:44
>> But anyway, that's my topic.
00:40:45
She will later use the data to analyze
00:40:48
the dispute and compare it to what she
00:40:50
could read in the couple's facial
00:40:50
expressions.
00:40:52
>> I mean, I will spend time on it.
00:40:54
>> She's looking for signs of annoyance or
00:40:54
contempt.
00:40:56
>> And I know I also get important or
00:40:58
something really benign.
00:41:00
>> Handling disputes well is a challenge
00:41:02
for all couples.
00:41:04
>> In one of the videos, there's a couple
00:41:06
and I don't know why I'm I'm digging my
00:41:09
heels in here, but I'm digging my heels
00:41:11
in. And Jeff, you said, "I can't
00:41:13
remember what we were fighting about. It
00:41:15
was probably nothing." And you're
00:41:17
absolutely right because couples fight
00:41:21
about nothing. But underneath that
00:41:23
nothing was a real important something
00:41:26
for each one of us. And that's what we
00:41:29
need to get to.
00:41:31
>> Carrie may have been able to detect some
00:41:34
basic errors in how this couple is
00:41:37
handling disagreement.
00:41:38
She calls the errors the four horsemen
00:41:43
of the apocalypse,
00:41:43
criticism,
00:41:48
defensiveness,
00:41:52
stonewalling, and contempt.
00:41:54
When I see any of the four horsemen,
00:41:56
those are the four killers of a
00:41:59
relationship. If there's no intervention
00:42:02
um in those situations, those couples
00:42:06
likely won't make it. So contempt is the
00:42:09
sulfuric acid for a relationship. So
00:42:11
that's the deadliest of them all. And
00:42:13
when I see that, it's a really bad sign,
00:42:15
you know, and somebody's talking and
00:42:17
someone's contemptuous of them. They
00:42:19
might school themselves from rolling
00:42:22
their eyes, but they'll still go.
00:42:24
Then there are some people who are just
00:42:26
highly contemptuous and their faces are
00:42:30
kind of set that way.
00:42:32
Lori and Jeff watch the recording of
00:42:36
their argument
00:42:38
>> and actually discover the four horsemen
00:42:40
every now and then
00:42:43
>> I have done that there are some upstairs
00:42:45
>> but they don't
00:42:47
like to
00:42:50
>> 75% of the time or more that we are
00:42:53
going to be missing each other we're
00:42:54
going to be grumpy we're going to be
00:42:56
tired and we're not the master of our
00:42:58
emotions in those particular moments in
00:43:01
time that just means we need to repair.
00:43:04
We need to be saying, "I'm sorry, that
00:43:07
came out wrong," or, "I need a break,"
00:43:10
or, "I'm feeling grumpy right now."
00:43:12
>> For Lori and Jeff, this is just the
00:43:14
start of their therapy, but the first
00:43:16
day has given them hope that not all
00:43:18
love is lost.
00:43:20
>> It helps me feel more in some ways that
00:43:24
flicker of a connection comes back when
00:43:26
we talk about it. it it does peel away
00:43:29
some of the layers that have built up
00:43:33
over it of just feeling bogged down and
00:43:34
weary.
00:43:37
>> And sometimes um it's good to have a
00:43:40
little help thinking through how you can
00:43:45
um stay close and be a be a team and not
00:43:48
grow apart.
00:43:49
>> However, many relationships simply
00:43:56
suffer from not enough sex.
00:43:56
The erotic attraction decreases during
00:44:01
the first 5 years.
00:44:03
>> This is completely normal. But if the
00:44:05
sexual desire for a partner disappears
00:44:08
completely, then often love disappears
00:44:11
too.
00:44:34
There is love without lust, but most
00:44:39
couples would like to keep the passion
00:44:42
of the early days alive.
00:44:44
For sexual therapists, there is a simple
00:44:47
reason to keep the fire burning. Nothing
00:44:50
releases as much oxytocin as sex with
00:44:54
your partner.
00:45:24
oxytocin. Oxytocin not only makes
00:45:28
couples behave more lovingly towards
00:45:30
each other, it can also improve their
00:45:33
sex life.
00:45:35
Tilman Kruger conducted a study in which
00:45:39
he gave couples oxytocin.
00:45:49
Okay.
00:46:08
Nature never intended us humans to live
00:46:12
together as couples for all our lives,
00:46:14
but only until our offspring has grown
00:46:17
up.
00:46:19
Today, however, we want to make love
00:46:25
last forever.
00:46:29
[Music]
00:46:29
Maybe one day this will become easier
00:46:35
thanks to a pill that can keep love
00:46:41
blossoming.
00:46:44
[Music]
00:46:49
Brian Herb is a bioethicist and asks
00:46:51
whether it's okay to give a pill to
00:46:56
couples who want to reawaken their love.
00:46:56
The more we learn about the
00:47:01
neurochemistry of love, the more we'll
00:47:02
have the opportunity to intervene in
00:47:04
that neurochemistry. And no one had
00:47:06
really made that point before. If we
00:47:07
understand these systems with
00:47:10
biotechnology in the future anyway, we
00:47:12
might be able to actually modify the
00:47:13
systems. And then we'll have something
00:47:15
like real life love drugs and we'll have
00:47:17
to decide the ethical implications of
00:47:18
that.
00:47:21
>> Brian Herb thinks that at times such a
00:47:24
pill could work wonders. when we touch
00:47:26
our partner or we have a massage or we
00:47:28
kiss or we hug or we have an orgasm.
00:47:30
These are things that radically boost
00:47:33
our oxytocin levels from the inside. Um,
00:47:35
but some people have a hard time with
00:47:37
touch in the relationship. For example,
00:47:39
maybe they don't find it naturally easy
00:47:41
to have the sorts of experiences that
00:47:43
would allow oxytocin to release
00:47:45
naturally. Well, then you might think
00:47:47
maybe an artificial supplement of
00:47:49
oxytocin could help people in this kind
00:47:52
of situation.
00:47:52
But there is a substance that could work
00:47:58
even better than oxytocin.
00:48:00
>> I started to grow a little bit skeptical
00:48:02
about some of the oxytocin research just
00:48:04
because there's some evidence that some
00:48:06
of these findings are small or maybe
00:48:08
unreliable. So there might be an effect,
00:48:10
but it might be a small effect. But
00:48:12
there's this other drug that people
00:48:14
already were using back in the 1980s,
00:48:17
MDMA, which is sort of one of it's the
00:48:19
main ingredient in ecstasy, what people
00:48:22
use as the party drug. Uh but before it
00:48:23
was banned, before it had this
00:48:25
reputation as being something that was
00:48:27
used on the dance floor, it was being
00:48:29
used in a therapeutic setting. So a
00:48:31
professional counselor would bring in
00:48:34
couples.
00:48:35
The psychologist Ingmar Gorman belongs
00:48:40
to a team of scientists in New York who
00:48:41
are allowed to treat people with
00:48:43
psychedelic drugs under strict
00:48:46
supervision.
00:48:48
As part of a study, he administers
00:48:50
ecstasy to people who suffer from severe
00:48:54
trauma, such as war veterans.
00:48:57
MDMA has many different effects.
00:49:00
Generally, people can feel a sense of
00:49:03
well-being. Some people maybe report
00:49:05
feeling less afraid.
00:49:07
a first step for people who want to
00:49:09
reconnect to their emotions after
00:49:12
traumatic events.
00:49:14
>> They are really cautious to talk about
00:49:16
the trauma because when they do, they
00:49:20
feel very activated and afraid. And so
00:49:21
what the MDMA may be doing is
00:49:25
temporarily helping them feel more safe,
00:49:26
which then allows them to get in touch
00:49:30
with some memories, some emotions, some
00:49:32
thoughts. They may be talking to us
00:49:34
about their relationships, their
00:49:36
traumas, and really connecting to us.
00:49:39
And so this 8-hour therapy session that
00:49:42
takes place when they're on the MDMA is
00:49:44
a kind of combination of looking in and
00:49:48
also engaging socially.
00:49:50
>> This ability to open up could also be
00:49:54
the benefit of a love pill.
00:49:56
Magazines and books have all sorts of
00:49:58
self-help advice. You know, oh, go on a
00:50:00
sexy vacation and do this and do that
00:50:02
and try to rekindle the feeling of love.
00:50:05
And so, there's clearly a desire that
00:50:07
people have to bring a feeling of warmth
00:50:09
and connection and attachment into a
00:50:10
long-term relationship where that
00:50:12
feeling maybe has started to fade. They
00:50:13
go to couples counseling. They'll try
00:50:16
just about anything. And so, the
00:50:17
suggestion here is just that there's one
00:50:19
more tool you could add to that arsenal
00:50:21
where it could be very helpful for a
00:50:23
couple to take the drug. and the cases
00:50:24
where it might be dangerous for the
00:50:26
couple to take the drug. And just as
00:50:28
with any medication or any drug that we
00:50:30
might take in any context, there are
00:50:31
situations where it can be helpful and
00:50:33
beneficial and others where it can be a
00:50:36
crutch.
00:50:38
Whether with medication or without, the
00:50:43
question of how to make love last will
00:50:45
keep love researchers busy for some time
00:50:47
to come.
00:50:50
But one thing is certain, love is
00:50:53
precious. We have to handle it with care
00:50:58
and breathe new life into it every day.
00:51:05
>> Well, first it's romance and then it's
00:51:10
fun. Okay. So, you have to do things to
00:51:15
keep your romance alive and exciting.
00:51:17
Um,
00:51:28
[Music]
00:51:40
heat.
00:51:45
[Music]
