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Translator: Adelina Bordea
Reviewer: TED Translators admin
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Well, emotional dependence is very
much frowned upon in today's society.
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No one wants to be emotionally dependent,
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because when we think of
emotional dependence
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the first thing that comes to mind
is a person that's...
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I don't know... clingy, people who don't
want to be alone,
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people that don't end relationships
even if they are bad.
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And this in our society
is exactly the opposite, right?
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In the man and woman society
that were made by themselves
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that's bad news; we want
people that are autonomous
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self-sufficient, independent.
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However, we forget that we are
the most social species on the planet.
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And this is exactly the same as saying
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that we are the most dependent species
that there is on the planet.
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All of our development has been social.
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I know many of you
will be saying, well...
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it's normal for the kids
to be dependent
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but the adults we have to
be independent
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that is what psychologists have
thought up until recently.
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We thought that development
was to go
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from absolute dependency
in infancy
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to absolute independence
in adulthood.
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But, we now know that people
ultimately don't become independent
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Actually, what we know,
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is that if there were an absolutely
independent adult,
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that would be a social and emotional
disease. It would be a problem.
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Whether because of the
solitude of that person,
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or whether because of the lack of empathy
that this problems carry.
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Actually, we're not making any progress
from dependence to independence.
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What happens is that we change
our type of dependence.
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When we are little we have what we call
a vertical dependence.
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Ok? I don't know if you see me up there
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In which there is a person that cares
and a person that is being cared.
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A person that provides, and
another that recieves.
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That is what happens
with children and parents.
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Throughout our life
the dependency doesn't disappear
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but rather we go on changing its capacity
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up to the point of having the
ability to depend horizontally,
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on each other; where one takes care
and the other one is being cared,
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but also the one being cared
takes care and both give.
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This would be the dependency ratio
ideal between adults: interdependence.
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Now you know that there are many adults
who don't get there. You know, right?
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Some are your partners, and
well they should have reached this point.
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There are people who have difficulties
with this transition.
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There are parents that are
very good parents with dependent babies
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but when these children
become adolescents,
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and they start to seek autonomy,
this is a conflict.
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And then there are adults who,
in their intimate relationships,
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don't look for these type of relationships
but continue to look for these.
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They keep searching for someone
to care for them or provide for them.
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Or are there others that are
looking for someone to look after
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or for someone who they can save.
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Or, sometimes, someone they
can dominate, ok?
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And these are not healthy relationships.
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The good dependency relationships between
adults are these: the horizontal ones.
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What does it take to have
horizontal relationships between adults?
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Two things.
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That's what I like, to be simple.
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Autonomy and intimacy.
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And now the next question:
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How can we have autonomy and intimacy?
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The first variable is
emotional regulation.
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Emotional regulation is all
that I have,
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to influence my state of mind
and my emotions.
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As human beings we basically have
two main types of emotional regulation:
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Self-regulation and co-regulation.
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Self-regulation is all that which
I do by myself,
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in order to influence my state of mind:
going out to play sports, meditating,
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relaxing...
all of this is self-regulation
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co-regulation is what I do
with another person or with other people
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to make me feel better.
I get bad news,
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and I call someone and talking with
this person makes me feel better.
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This is co-regulation.
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These are the two main ways.
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We see that there are people that
are very good at self-regulating
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but really bad at co-regulating.
What happens to these people?
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When they feel bad or when
they experience a dispute,
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they tend to isolate themselves,
they go because they need to self-regulate
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before again making contact with others.
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And we also see that there are people
who are the opposite.
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That they are very good at co-regulating,
but very bad at self-regulating.
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What happens? When there is
a conflict or they feel bad,
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they need to find someone else,
they look for people.
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Let us imagine that these
two become a couple
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You don't have to imagine too much.
They're very frequent.
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In which there is an "self-regulator"
and a "co" and they have a conflict,
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what's going to happen?
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The "self-regulator" will try to run
and the "co" will go behind him, right?
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What happens?
There will be no co-regulation.
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They will "co-deregulate" each other.
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This variable, the co-regulation or the
co-deregulation, it is the central element
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that distinguishes couples that work
the good ones that malfunction.
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That's a problem because people
as long as it co-deregulates
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goes further and further, it doesn't
come closer, it's getting worse.
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And people, when they co-deregulate
don't solve the conflicts.
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So what you simply do? Leave them, right?
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And what makes a relationship grow
is the ability to resolve conflicts.
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The conflicts aren't the problem.
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The problem is how
we solve those conflicts, ok?
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So notice that, this element
apparently insignificant is essential.
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Along with co-regulation, another variable
very important is relational security.
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Which is how safe
I feel when I'm alone
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and how safe I feel
when I'm with people.
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Then we already know where
autonomy is.
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If I'm able to co-regulate myself
and I'm able to be fine alone,
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I have autonomy capacity.
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If I'm able to co-regulate myself
and I'm able to be fine with others,
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I have privacy capacity.
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And this is what we need to be able
to maintain healthy adult relationships,
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horizontals we said, right?
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People able to have autonomy and privacy.
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The news I bring you is that
those people, we believe they exist.
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We don't know where they are.
We're looking for them, don't worry.
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When we find them, we'll tell you.
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I call them "the Greens".
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They're represented with a green dot.
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If by any chance you find a "Green"
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immediately get married!
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(Laughter)
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No domestic partnerships. Get married!
"But he's so ugly." It doesn't matter!
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But he's a guy and I'm not gay.
Well, nobody's perfect! Get married!
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I don't know if he's good...
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Thanks a lot! Thank you!
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(Applause)
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And best part:
I don't know if he's good in bed.
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He actually is! That's the worse.
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Because the biggest cause
of sexual dysfunction
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is interpersonal anxiety.
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And they don't have it!
Those guys and girls don't have it.
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I mean, they're good in bed, too.
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¡Get married! Don't think about it
and you'll have a happy marriage as
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Kermit the Frog and Miss Piggy,
you know they did it very well.
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But well, since most people don't
we have that high level of regulation
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you'll most likely find yourselves
with people with other issues.
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For example, more people at this side,
at the co-regulation side, okay?
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They are people who are
co-regulated, we said,
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who had more problems
for autonomy.
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So what's their fear?
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Many times they are unconscious
about this fear.
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But their basic fear is to be abandoned.
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In a real way or emotionally.
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Their fear is people
stopping to love them.
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They are constantly
forcing people to love them.
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How? Being liked,
working for it a lot,
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being very effective,
being very efficient.
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I guess many of you
can find themselves here.
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Forgetting about their own needs,
looking at the needs of others.
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They can hardly say no.
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They say no two times
but the third one will be a yes.
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So you always have to insist three times.
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I always say that if you're having a
work team, you must have, at least,
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one of this side, we call this side
"dependent-submissive."
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You must have at least
one "dependent-submissive",
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who is the one doing the tasks
no one else wants to do, ok?
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- We have to go to pick up a speaker.
- But it's daughter's birthday.
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"We have to go to pick". Three times.
"Ok, I'll go". And leaves the daughter.
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So these are very good for work teams.
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They're usually done after 4 or 5 years.
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Fire them and put someone else in.
No fixing there anymore. Remember that.
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Getting a bit serious
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these kind of people
are the ones that are in risk
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to begin abusive relationships.
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Because they can start them
and if they start them it's easier
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people won't let them
quit the relationships.
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You can also find...
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And what should we do with them?
With the Greens I told you to get married.
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Have you seen these ones are in yellow?
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What should we do?
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It depends... If your mate is
a bit caring, that's amazing!
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Amazing! They'll treat you really good.
You should go on with them.
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They're a bit a pain in the ass;
every month and a half approximately
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they tell you you don't love them enough,
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feel bad when they made you the super gift
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and you didn't remember their birthday...
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Those are little things
that you can easily solve.
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If they're very dependent,
too much from the obedient side, no.
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One thing is you going out
one night with your friends
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and receive one text at 1 a.m. saying:
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"Have fun with your friends, baby.
I love you", and another one at 3 a.m.
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That's ok.
Another thing is receiving 15 texts!
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If you do get 15...
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If it's your partner and you have kids,
you started loving them...
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then you stay with them! But if not
there's plenty of people in the world!
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Look around and you'll see. At TED...
A lot of people. You can search.
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(Laughter) (Applause)
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Thank you!
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You can also find a person
from the exact opposite side.
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If that's from the dependent side, this is
the contradependent or avoidant side.
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If they are afraid of autonomy,
these ones are afraid of intimacy.
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If their fear was of being abandoned,
those ones' fear is to be invaded.
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Losing their individuality, losing
that autonomy they treasure.
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What do they do then?
They get away, drift apart.
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Tend to put apart the others,
need a lot more space than the rest.
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Not only with the others, but also
they need space with themselves.
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They don't know it, but they don't notice
their emotions in a good way, ok?
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They think they feel less than the rest.
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Either they think the rest of the world
is crazy and we have a lot of emotions.
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But they really feel
less emotions than normal.
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I'm sorry for the ones
that are discovering this today.
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Most of them are physically disconnected.
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They're, usually, the ones
who dance very bad.
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They work in computer science
with a certain frequency.
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(Laughter) So you get to know them...
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There are simple ways to recognize them.
You can put yourselves in front of one...
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They're so far apart.
of their feelings,
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that you can put yourselves
in front of of one and tell him:
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"Hey! How do you feel?
Let's talk about your feelings."
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And they usually get paralyzed.
They blink about three times and say: huh?
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Avoidant. No doubts.
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There are evident avoidance manifestos.
You've been with him for three years.
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You've never met no one from his family.
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He never met your friends.
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If you haven't noticed he's avoidant
I don't know what it needs anymore!
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These are the manifestos
but also there are emotional ones
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who are people who,
apparently, are very well related,
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but not really intimate.
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By a mystery of nature,
that I don't know yet,
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anyone could do a doctoral thesis about it
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in every family there's
an emotional avoidant brother-in-law.
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We don't know why. It's this character
you meet at Christmas meals,
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at barbecues... You talk to him and says:
"How are you? Good".
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"Hey, how are you? Everything fine,
very, very good". But he doesn't connect.
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You may know one of those, right?
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Emotional avoidance. It seems that....
But intimacy costs you a lot, doesn't it?
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If their self-esteem
depended on the others.
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They are less dependent
of other people's opinions.
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At a given moment they are
more capable to say yes.
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If those who feel
don't get what they give,
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they often feel like,
too much demand, right?
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Like other people ask a lot of them,
they ask for a lot of bonding.
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They also get tired.
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They're people... many times
when they are carers
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they're very tired carers.
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And they also feel guilty
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because they feel they
don't deserve all the love they recieve.
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Or that they don't want
as much as anyone else.
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And the third big block, the one that
doesn't have so much to do with regulation
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but with relational security,
is the block we call the dominant block.
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If those were submissive dependents,
these are self-dependent.
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These are dominants.
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If the dependents are afraid
of being abandoned,
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the dominant ones aren't afraid
of being abandoned,
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it's like they have, again,
unconsciously,
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deep down, the conviction
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that if people really know them
they're going to leave them.
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It's like they're worth so little,
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they're convinced
that they're going to be abandoned.
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Or, sometimes, the conviction that
have come throughout his life,
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is that they can't trust anyone.
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That others are going for you
to end up betraying you.
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So, when you're like this,
how do you get into a relationship?
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From the control.
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It's the only way they have. So then
use different forms of control.
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How? Aggressive control. Direct domain.
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You know you can find a lot of it.
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Sometimes indirect control.
Aggressive-passive.
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The one you don't seem to be controlling.
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"Mom, I'm going for some beers."
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"You go, son. Have fun.
Well, don't come home too late...
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you know I can't go to bed
until you don't arrive home...
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you know I do when I don't sleep,
my blood pressure goes high...
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and when this happens,
the doctor who can give me a heart attack.
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Be home by 11."
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It would be an aggressive passive domain.
That you don't realize.
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There are even more subtle ones,
and there are some that we call
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the inverse dependence.
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What they do is taking care,
but taking care so much
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that they make you
become dependent of that care.
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They're castration-caregivers.
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People who are totally engulfing you.
There's a book by Stephen King, "Misery".
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There's a film too that portrays a bit
exaggerated about this kind of pattern.
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Well, there you see, there we have
those three big sides, right?
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What happens with any
of these blocks?
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You can see that none of them keep
horizontal relationships, right?
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What happens with these people
when they meet the greens?
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They are very few, but we find some.
They hardly ever go into a relationship.
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The greens become racist and
they don't understand the others.
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But the others don't understand either
to the greens, okay?
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What other groups would fit together?
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For example, if we have
two caregivers, will they be a couple?
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They both try to please.
They both try to take care of each other.
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None being able to receive care.
That's not good. That ends it.
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Two avoidants? They may say hello
to each other on the street
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but I'm not so sure about it.
How are they going to be a couple?
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But imagine the exact opposite:
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A pleasant-caregiver with an avoidant.
The pleasant-caregiver can't help it
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he wants to save the avoidant
from his sadness.
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He can't, that helpless being,
who speaks little and ducks his eyes.
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Look how well they fit together:
The Coyote and Road Runner, right?
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The same goes for the dominant
and the most submissive, right?
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It's very difficult fot the dominant
to fit with another dominant.
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But dominant with submissive
they fit perfectly well too.
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That's why we see
so many couples of that side.
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That's where they go into,
not into a conflictive balance
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but into a conflictive escalation.
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That's why you've seen
the dominant have the red lights
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I mean the red light bulbs.
00:16:04
Those are the ones you
mustn't be a couple with.
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Well, those will be a bit...
It could work for a while, but...
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The ideas was creating a cartoon
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an animated cartoon
of the different kind of relationships.
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How they're formed
how they're structured.
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And how they're holding up.
I'd like to finish with two quotes:
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From the English poet, Auden
that says the following:
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"We must attach or die."
He's English but seems Mediterranean.
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And the one from Sartre:
"Hell is other people."
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These two quotes represent the two sides.
And the idea of quoting is that,
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between these two poles, between that
kind of suffocating relationships
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and living the others like hell,
00:16:47
there's a wide range
of possible healthy relationships.
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And these healthy relationships are
very interesting for two reasons:
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First of all, because we really
know each other in relation to the rest.
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When I'm with the others,
when I have conflicts with others,
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In those conflicts, those parts of me
that I don't like to see usually come out.
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The second reason why relationships
are interesting, I think, is because
00:17:16
if conflicts are resolved they help
for us to learn how to love people.
00:17:22
They are fallible, they make
mistakes, they are wrong...
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Kind of like the rest of us, right?
00:17:27
So you know, now when I'm done,
on the break, when you meet out there,
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get involved, as it says,
get involved or whatever you want.
00:17:39
Depend on each other, but,
please, depend in a healthy way.
00:17:43
Thank you very much!
00:17:45
(Applause)
00:17:47
Thank you.
00:17:48
(Applause)
