Your Relationship Expectations Could Be Holding You Back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile | TED

00:08:27
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YbnS39GAcQo

Resumen

TLDRA couples therapist and romance enthusiast challenges traditional relationships norms, arguing that many relationship struggles stem from societal expectations rather than inherent partnership issues. Through a case study involving an engaged couple struggling to blend their families, the therapist suggests living separately as a successful, albeit unconventional, strategy. The speaker emphasizes the importance of creating unique relationship frameworks that honor individual differences rather than conforming to societal standards. By doing so, couples can address individual needs and potentially avoid common pain points, ultimately enhancing the quality of their relationships.

Para llevar

  • 💡 Relationships are often viewed as difficult due to societal expectations.
  • 🏠 Living separately can be an unconventional solution for some couples.
  • 🛑 Reject traditional relationship norms to improve personal satisfaction.
  • 👫 Embrace individual differences within relationships.
  • ❓ Question what truly makes relationships challenging.
  • 🔑 Understand your partner's unique values and needs.
  • 📉 Lower societal pressure by creating personalized relationship norms.
  • 🎯 Focus on what makes the relationship enjoyable for both partners.
  • 🔍 Reflect on external factors affecting relationship dynamics.
  • ❤️ Honor the peculiarities that make your relationship unique.
  • 🏆 Success is measured by personal satisfaction, not societal norms.
  • 🤔 Continual reflection and adaptation are key in relationships.

Cronología

  • 00:00:00 - 00:08:27

    A couples therapist discusses the common belief that relationships are inherently difficult due to societal norms and expectations. These expectations create shame and resentment when couples compare themselves to others. The therapist argues that redefining what a successful relationship looks like, based on the individuals involved rather than external metrics, can alleviate frustrations and dissatisfaction. They explain that living separately has helped some couples strengthen their relationship by embracing their uniqueness instead of conforming to traditional standards. Rejecting the conventional narrative of relationships being hard and focusing on personal happiness can lead to more fulfilling partnerships.

Mapa mental

Vídeo de preguntas y respuestas

  • Why are relationships often perceived as hard?

    Because our metric of success is based on societal norms rather than individual needs and values.

  • What issues did the couple in therapy face?

    They struggled with blending a family, understanding each other's needs, and managing household dynamics.

  • What unconventional solution did the therapist recommend?

    The therapist suggested the couple live separately to improve their relationship.

  • Is there a 'normal' way to conduct a relationship?

    No, every relationship is unique and should be based on the individuals' backgrounds and values.

  • What does the therapist suggest about societal relationship norms?

    The therapist suggests rejecting traditional norms and creating relationships that honor individual differences.

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Desplazamiento automático:
  • 00:00:04
    I’m a couples therapist and an absolute romance fiend.
  • 00:00:08
    I'm talking about everything from "The Notebook" to "Twilight"
  • 00:00:12
    to a show some of you may remember called "The Flavor of Love."
  • 00:00:15
    (Laughter)
  • 00:00:17
    It's a reality competition show
  • 00:00:18
    where the prize was the love of Flavor Flav.
  • 00:00:21
    (Laughter)
  • 00:00:23
    I think about relationships a lot,
  • 00:00:25
    and something that comes up a lot in my work
  • 00:00:28
    is this belief that relationships are hard.
  • 00:00:30
    And we believe that due to one primary reason:
  • 00:00:34
    our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do.
  • 00:00:38
    Imagine how you would honestly feel
  • 00:00:41
    if you heard the following about another couple.
  • 00:00:43
    OK, I said honestly.
  • 00:00:45
    OK?
  • 00:00:47
    "I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore."
  • 00:00:50
    "They claim they never want to get married."
  • 00:00:53
    "I don't think they ever plan to live together."
  • 00:00:56
    Would you think to yourself "it sounds like they have some serious issues?"
  • 00:01:01
    If we're honest, a lot of us would.
  • 00:01:03
    And it's not because we're not open-minded,
  • 00:01:07
    but we've been taught that these are warning signs
  • 00:01:10
    for a relationship in trouble.
  • 00:01:13
    And while they can be for a lot of people, that is not always the case.
  • 00:01:18
    Relationship experts have found
  • 00:01:20
    that one of the primary obstacles that couples face
  • 00:01:24
    are their own expectations.
  • 00:01:26
    When we compare ourselves to societal norms,
  • 00:01:28
    we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner,
  • 00:01:32
    as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short.
  • 00:01:37
    Now, before we really get into this,
  • 00:01:39
    I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact
  • 00:01:43
    that we may be with the wrong person.
  • 00:01:45
    And that will be clear
  • 00:01:46
    if your deepest desire
  • 00:01:48
    is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are.
  • 00:01:52
    You really want them to be a different person.
  • 00:01:55
    But if you're confident that you're with the right person
  • 00:01:58
    and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied,
  • 00:02:02
    we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships
  • 00:02:08
    is the key to actually having one.
  • 00:02:10
    I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises.
  • 00:02:14
    I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year,
  • 00:02:18
    and when they first came to me, they said, "We're 95 percent good.
  • 00:02:22
    We just want to address the five percent."
  • 00:02:24
    And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple.
  • 00:02:28
    It turns out that five percent was more like 75 percent and increasing.
  • 00:02:34
    They were struggling to make a blended family work.
  • 00:02:37
    One partner had kids,
  • 00:02:38
    the other one had never lived with kids before,
  • 00:02:41
    and they moved in together
  • 00:02:42
    after only knowing each other for three months.
  • 00:02:47
    (Laughter)
  • 00:02:50
    One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back,
  • 00:02:54
    they'd called off their wedding.
  • 00:02:56
    But why?
  • 00:02:57
    Their love was, honestly, it was evident,
  • 00:03:00
    and they were not cruel to each other.
  • 00:03:02
    Their issue was figuring out
  • 00:03:03
    how to continue building their romantic relationship
  • 00:03:07
    while also figuring out how to raise teenagers,
  • 00:03:10
    who, to be honest,
  • 00:03:12
    already had two very involved parents,
  • 00:03:14
    they weren't really in need of a third.
  • 00:03:17
    After a particularly big blow up over chores and responsibilities,
  • 00:03:21
    I finally asked a dangerous question.
  • 00:03:24
    I said, "Do you think that living together
  • 00:03:27
    has hurt or helped your relationship more?"
  • 00:03:31
    We took a few weeks to explore that question,
  • 00:03:33
    and they decided to test it out.
  • 00:03:35
    They got a short-term lease on an apartment nearby
  • 00:03:38
    for the partner who didn't have kids.
  • 00:03:41
    And we were really strategic.
  • 00:03:42
    We made a contract.
  • 00:03:44
    Let's talk about dates.
  • 00:03:45
    Let's talk about expectations while you guys are living separately.
  • 00:03:49
    And by the time they came back to me,
  • 00:03:51
    I'd never seen them communicate so well.
  • 00:03:54
    They said that they were looking forward
  • 00:03:56
    to every weekend that they got to spend together.
  • 00:03:58
    It felt like a vacation
  • 00:03:59
    because they would spend the entire week planning their time together
  • 00:04:03
    and savoring every moment they had together.
  • 00:04:06
    They also found that their individual relationships with the kids
  • 00:04:10
    drastically improved,
  • 00:04:11
    without the pressure of trying to transition them
  • 00:04:14
    into an entirely new household dynamic,
  • 00:04:17
    especially when they only had a couple years left in the house.
  • 00:04:21
    So at this point, some of you may be asking yourselves,
  • 00:04:24
    "What kind of couples therapist recommends that couples live apart?"
  • 00:04:27
    (Laughter)
  • 00:04:28
    That's a fair question.
  • 00:04:30
    And to be honest, for a majority of my clients,
  • 00:04:33
    this solution would not work.
  • 00:04:35
    And that is the point.
  • 00:04:38
    When we're thinking about our relationships,
  • 00:04:40
    we have to avoid focusing on what is normal.
  • 00:04:43
    There's no such thing as normal
  • 00:04:45
    when we're talking about two unique individuals
  • 00:04:48
    with their own backgrounds and their own values.
  • 00:04:51
    For this particular couple,
  • 00:04:53
    they had to figure out a way to separate their romantic relationship
  • 00:04:57
    from what really boiled down to roommate issues.
  • 00:05:00
    And they had a circumstance that supported the option to live apart.
  • 00:05:06
    One conflict that comes up a lot in my work
  • 00:05:08
    is the difference in values between arriving on time
  • 00:05:12
    and arriving looking and feeling your best.
  • 00:05:14
    Neither one is wrong.
  • 00:05:16
    But I had a great model for this with my parents.
  • 00:05:19
    When I was growing up,
  • 00:05:21
    we drove absolutely everywhere separately.
  • 00:05:25
    Everywhere.
  • 00:05:26
    You know, if you're going to be a little bit late,
  • 00:05:28
    you would ride with my mom
  • 00:05:30
    and if you’re arriving on time, you’d go with my dad.
  • 00:05:33
    They had two minivans for only two kids.
  • 00:05:37
    OK.
  • 00:05:39
    We didn't go anywhere together.
  • 00:05:41
    And one time when I was about 12 years old,
  • 00:05:43
    one of my closest friends finally worked up the courage to ask me about it.
  • 00:05:48
    And I could tell she was so nervous.
  • 00:05:50
    Like I was about to reveal to her that my parents were secretly separated,
  • 00:05:54
    and she just figured it out.
  • 00:05:56
    You know, now that I think about it, I bet her mom put her up to this.
  • 00:06:00
    (Laughter)
  • 00:06:01
    What's interesting is that her parents did go on to get divorced,
  • 00:06:05
    and my parents stayed together for 23 years before my mom passed away.
  • 00:06:09
    Now do I think that’s due to them commuting separately?
  • 00:06:13
    Of course not.
  • 00:06:15
    But I think it shows us two things.
  • 00:06:17
    First, it shows us that any deviation from the norm
  • 00:06:21
    can be met with curiosity and even judgment.
  • 00:06:24
    It also shows us that sometimes,
  • 00:06:26
    when we decide to do things a little differently,
  • 00:06:29
    we can avoid the difference
  • 00:06:31
    between having a really challenging day as a couple
  • 00:06:34
    or a smooth day, by simply accepting our differences not as a couple,
  • 00:06:39
    but as individuals.
  • 00:06:42
    Instead of trying to change our partners,
  • 00:06:44
    what if we instead embraced their differences,
  • 00:06:47
    our difference in values,
  • 00:06:49
    and release the pressure of doing what everyone else is doing?
  • 00:06:53
    It's OK to be a stay-at-home dad.
  • 00:06:55
    It's OK if you prefer to travel without each other.
  • 00:06:59
    It's OK if you need to have your own bedrooms
  • 00:07:01
    so you can maintain personal space and be sane for each other.
  • 00:07:06
    It's OK if you want to break tradition and create a new last name.
  • 00:07:11
    It's OK if you want to share your love on social media,
  • 00:07:14
    but it's also OK if you want to protect it from public opinion.
  • 00:07:19
    It's OK if you're in a season of life where you both just cannot prioritize sex.
  • 00:07:24
    It's OK if people are confused about your relationship.
  • 00:07:28
    It was never theirs to understand in the first place.
  • 00:07:31
    (Applause)
  • 00:07:37
    If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard,
  • 00:07:41
    then we'll continue to do nothing about it.
  • 00:07:44
    If our relationships feel hard,
  • 00:07:46
    I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it.
  • 00:07:49
    Is it really the relationship
  • 00:07:51
    or is it external factors
  • 00:07:53
    like our own personal trauma histories
  • 00:07:55
    or work stress?
  • 00:07:57
    If it really is your relationship,
  • 00:07:59
    let's really think about what you and your partner
  • 00:08:03
    are willing to do differently to enjoy it again.
  • 00:08:07
    I want us to reject everything we've ever known about relationships,
  • 00:08:11
    and challenge ourselves to create a relationship
  • 00:08:14
    that not only defies expectations
  • 00:08:17
    but honors the peculiarities that make us, us.
  • 00:08:21
    Thank you.
  • 00:08:22
    (Applause)
Etiquetas
  • relationships
  • societal norms
  • individual differences
  • couples therapy
  • personal values
  • romance
  • expectations
  • relationship struggles
  • unconventional solutions
  • personal space