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I really want to make this clear before
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I do this video I have judged myself
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harder than anybody else any of you
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people in the comment section that might
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say whatever can judge me I have I have
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been my most harsh critic there's
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nothing that anybody can say that I
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haven't said to myself there's nothing
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that anybody could say that I haven't
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thought even when it comes to just the
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most brutal things in reality we are our
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own we are Our Own Worst Enemy sometimes
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and our own worst
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judge judger and this is this is a video
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I really feel like I need to do um
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because a lot of people who have been in
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this industry or who have been
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trafficked uh which I was trafficked
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when I was just about to turn 19 so a
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lot of people want to talk about the
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trauma side of it and I totally respect
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that but I want to talk about what I
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learned from Men
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I learned a lot and actually I I learned
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a
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lot um and not all bad I just want to
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make that
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clear my perspective is very different
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than I think some other people's I am
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not saying that I want to make this
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clear real quick that um almost every
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single one of those men had no clue that
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I was being trafficked that there was
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was a pimp or somebody helping to like
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you know there was somebody else behind
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the scene they had no clue that some of
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the things that were being posted it was
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actually a guy putting all that stuff on
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there they had no clue um so I just want
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to make that clear before I do this this
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is not a normal video that I have seen
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um so I thought it's something that I've
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really been trying to like grasp at for
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a really long time for many years I've
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been out of this for 7 years and got out
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7 years ago so I want to start by just
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just putting that out there you know I
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feel very nervous my heart is racing my
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heart is pounding right now and I feel
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nervous talking about this and I hope
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that people understand where I'm coming
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from I'm not trying to judge any anybody
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here I'm just trying
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to express my perception um so there's a
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quote that I often think about and it's
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life will break you nobody can protect
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you from that and living alone won't
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either for Solitude will also break you
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with its yearning but you have to love
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you have to feel it is the reason you
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are on the earth on this
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Earth so I didn't choose to be
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trafficked and for a long time I thought
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the only thing um I take from that
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experience was going to be pain but over
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time I realized that
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I I learned more than just the trauma
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part of it I learned about people I
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learned a lot about men and women and
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myself
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um how we all search for connection even
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when we don't know how I don't excuse
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what happened to me but I can't pretend
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I didn't see the men who paid to see me
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now to pay who paid to see me not just
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for what they did um but for who they
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were
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some were broken some were grieving some
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just wanted somebody to lay next to to
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feel human again and for reasons I'm
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still figuring out I I've wanted to
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understand them I want to understand
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everything I'm the type of person that
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questions everything why why why do
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people do this why you know I'm very
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fascinated by people including my own
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decisions but especially others um I
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remember one there's there was one guy
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whose wife passed away and he really he
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didn't even want sex for me um he really
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just wanted somebody to watch a movie
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with to lay with to talk or to be in
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silence um while he remembered what it
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felt like to be close to
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someone I it it reminded me of the movie
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Her where walking Phoenix falls in love
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with an AI not because he's desperate
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but because he's lonely because even
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though the connection is isn't real it
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feels real
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enough that's the part I think most
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people don't understand is that for some
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men this wasn't just like about lust it
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was about escaping the silence and
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trying to find somebody that can maybe
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give you comfort and trying to find the
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warmth in places that left them colder
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than before and that's not something
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that normally we can find with Society
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nowadays by just going out you know
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um sometimes you can but I don't know
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people are different I'm not here to
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judge but I'm not really here to judge
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um not every man I met was like that
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though some were addicts not to
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substances or alcohol but to the chase
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the high of the
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transaction I wasn't a person to them I
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was just part of a loop it felt like
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shame the movie where um Michael Fence F
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fos Benders character can't stop seeking
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out sex even when it leaves him feeling
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emptier each time that kind of addiction
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it doesn't care about faces it only
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cares about the
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cycle um I also I saw and I saw it men
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who thought that they were in control
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but they were drowning in it coming back
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again and again hoping it would fill
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something inside of them that just kept
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growing uh they they became addicted to
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that lifestyle is weird um but it
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happens um then there were the ones who
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didn't belong
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there attractive Charming the kind of
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man that you would think could pick up
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any girl in a bar the one that you were
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just like why are you here why are you
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paying me and the craziest thing is one
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guy I'll never forget I asked him and he
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just said that he's tired of the games
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he was tired of going out on and taking
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women out on dates and spending $200 on
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food and drinks and just to be ghosted
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or to find out that the girl had a
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boyfriend or to find out you know
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there's all these games involved he just
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got sick and tired of it he became he
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became better for sure and he was just
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like I'd rather just pay for what I want
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at that point like I would just pay and
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I could see like that he became better
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um it felt like what is love and the
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film men stopped trying to connect
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because they feel used tired of
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rejection and instead of uh risking real
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intimacy again they pay for something
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simple even if it's
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Hollow but the most unsettling part of
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was the men who didn't want people at
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all I've seen it now men choosing AI
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girlfriends virtual companions because
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they don't disappoint they're programmed
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to love you back it reminds me of Blade
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Runner 20
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2049 the main character has an a
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girlfriend she says everything he needs
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to hear she's perfect but she's not real
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and that's the problem that's where
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we're heading real intimacy is it's too
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risky um we so we build something
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artificial and call it love and it works
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until you realize you're even lonelier
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than before because people have a hard
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time now being transparent because we've
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all been hurt right we've all been hurt
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some men don't want intimacy they want
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control I wasn't a person to some of
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them I was something to conquer um it
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felt like ex machina where men build AI
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women not to love them but to own them
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to manipulate to discard them when they
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stop playing along
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um this is the part that really
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terrifies me though is it's not just
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trafficking anymore it's not just men
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pain for women we've stepped into
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something
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darker um for me what I learned about
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men was there's a different variety of
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men but honestly most of them were
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lonely were
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bitter
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um were
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um had a hard time finding something
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meaningful and uh Andor I think they
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became addicted to the whole cycle that
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was the majority of it
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um the ones who were grieving or
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whatever um that was that was different
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there were men this this is this is the
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part that I feel like the most
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embarrassed about and ashamed and I
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don't think I have forgiven myself
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eventually when I would find out that
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men were
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married it was horrible and um I felt
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horrible I was I was I would try to talk
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to them about it and ask them questions
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like questions I shouldn't even be
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asking to try to like figure out how
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could I help their marriage and what
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could I give any advice and I remember
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asking this uh doctor and I was like
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where does your wife think you are right
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now and he said oh on lunch
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break
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and even just saying that
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now I remember that day the pit of my
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stomach it
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just I was a part of the
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problem the people behind me were a part
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of the
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problem and I feel so
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sorry I feel so bad for those women I
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feel so much guilt and
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pain and honestly I don't understand
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those men I'm just going to be honest
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I'm I don't really understand
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that if it's not working and you have to
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go and betray somebody and go behind
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their back and pay somebody and you
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don't
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know you might as well just you might as
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well leave the relationship the
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marriage um but again that's not for me
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to force people
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that that that was one of the
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worst I would say the other worst thing
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was um
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being traffic to
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um
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drugs
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dealers
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yeah yeah
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I hear it from guys I know I hear this
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from friends from guys I used to date or
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my partner now that we are together um
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how only fans is safer than dating how
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AI girlfriends never reject you I've
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watched Men lose themselves to Corn
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because it feels easier than facing real
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people and women we're doing the same
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thing women are just as bad I mean we're
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ghosting for sport using men for
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attention we don't even care about but
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now it's not just us hurting each other
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it's machines AI girlfriends are already
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here I've seen the ads she listens to
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you she won't cheat on you and people
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think it's funny and they laugh but I
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don't think it is um because the truth
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is humans are parasites to each other we
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drain each other we use each other we
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traumatize each other but here's the
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part that stings who builds the AI
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girlfriend friends who creates the corn
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who feels trafficking it's not robots
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it's humans so when humans are trying to
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say hey don't worry this robot isn't
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going to hurt you who who's who's the
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creator of it a
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human we create the very thing that
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destroys us we we hurt each other then
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we turn around and design something
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worse to replace the connection that
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we've ruined and it feels like a cycle
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that is never ending AI girlfriends are
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just the beginning what happens when
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robots replace intimacy altogether what
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happens when corn isn't just on screen
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but something we can feel live in Escape
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to at some point we won't need each
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other at all and honestly that really
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scares me I don't know if that scares
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you but when I think about this and I
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think about everything that I've learned
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from men and what I see around me I feel
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like I'm holding bricks in my hands
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like I'm so terrified for our the future
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generation we are just in a cycle of
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Destruction when it comes to
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relationships I think about it a lot how
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how we ruin each other and call it
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normal and it's hard to say this but
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after everything I've seen I don't know
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if we can
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stop we destroy each other for money for
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attention for control and now we're
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building things to destroy the little
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intimacy we have left the the scariest
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part we won't even realize how far that
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we've gone until there's nothing human
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left to
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save I don't have the
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answers I'm just someone who's been
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hurt trying to understand why we keep
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hurting each
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other why you know my own choices my own
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decisions or even my own decisions that
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were not really mind to make um but
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there's one thing I know it's this if we
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don't stop seeing each other as
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disposable we'll build a world where
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none of us
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matter because at the end of the day we
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can't blame the
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robots we can't blame only fans we can't
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blame corn we can't
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blame trafficking we can't blame
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escorts we build them we we keep all of
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this stuff going
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going
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when it's a cycle that we have to be
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able to close and to
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stop and how I don't know maybe having
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this type of conversation like I've said
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in a past video I did not go through all
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of that for
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nothing and I'm trying to figure
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out what can I can I do with all that
00:15:01
pain what can I do
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with the self- Betrayal most of all the
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Betrayal of my own
00:15:07
self wasn't just others it was me but I
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betrayed my own self you know I allowed
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people to do things to me I didn't
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protect myself I look back I have
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flashbacks and I think about oh I just
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want to grab myself myself like 10 years
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ago and just wrap that girl up and say
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you're going to be okay like I got you
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I'm going to get you out of this you're
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going to be
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okay for any man that is watching this
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some of you I understand some of you I
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don't understand and that's okay I know
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some of you don't understand women and
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that's okay but this isn't a competition
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of who's worse than the other we have
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all been screwed over I've been cheated
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on I've been lied to I've I've been
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screwed over just like many men
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have I've been
00:16:04
ghosted and this isn't a
00:16:06
competition we have all been hurt we
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hurt each
00:16:10
other so how do we heal each
00:16:14
other I would say what I
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learned I went to
00:16:22
counseling tried to work through all
00:16:24
that
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trauma and
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I guess sometimes it takes time
00:16:32
but building a relationship with
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somebody
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that feels safe and feels close to
00:16:39
home and also taking time to be single
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to love myself and to be my own best
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friend because I'm you you are going to
00:16:53
be the best friend no one else will so
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if I could give anybody advice I know
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how it feels to be screwed over by
00:17:02
people that you
00:17:03
trusted and you look at them and you're
00:17:05
like I thought I knew who you
00:17:07
were I never thought you would do
00:17:09
something like this to me I know how
00:17:11
that
00:17:13
feels and I've been the villain in this
00:17:16
too
00:17:18
so it's all about like
00:17:20
healing those inner parts of
00:17:25
ourselves that need healing and
00:17:27
nurturing ourselves
00:17:30
I think that's where it really
00:17:33
starts thank you for listening to this
00:17:37
video I hope that this
00:17:40
helps and happy New Year to
00:17:44
everybody I hope this new year brings a
00:17:46
lot of
00:17:48
people a lot of healing peace and
00:17:53
something new and that you end up
00:17:56
getting at least one goal of yours
00:18:00
done thank you Happy New Year