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[Music]
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Wow hi all right how's it going how are
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you feeling at shouldn't be up there
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yeah okay
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how we all doing awful all forward not
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you what you did was absolutely fine I'm
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talking about the the torturous
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engagement tactic that I just used
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I hate that when when the person I know
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I just did it but when the person comes
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out and they start doing the thing and
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they asked a whole room a whole room
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full of people at the same time how
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they're doing because the only thing you
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can really say in response to that is
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like oh whatever you just did and that
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isn't an appropriate answer to how are
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you doing any other situation you know I
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could be shopping in Woolworths in 1994
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and I go up to I see a mate in there
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looking at the fur bees and I'd be like
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hey Gordon you know how's it going if
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Gordon just turns around and goes down
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like that just howls at the strip
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lighting at the top like some mad
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citified 90's wolf I'm gonna think what
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freaked and just turn around leave my
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basket of pogs there and just walk off
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but yeah when I when people ask me how
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I'm doing I say I'm fine generally I
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think that's that's what everybody does
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but for me that's not real appropriate
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answer either because for me it's a way
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of deflecting the question it's like a
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reflex and deflecting that question is
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something I've got really good at
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because a lot of the time I'm not fine
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in fact but I live with depression and
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deflecting people away from what's
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really going on with me is just it's
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just what I do when you get really
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convincing it pretending that you're
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okay
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people just assume you are much like a
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lot of you thought there was nothing
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wrong with me when I first came out here
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none of my friends family anybody knew
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anything was wrong with me until maybe a
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year and a half ago when I decided to
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tell them I've been secretly living with
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dark thoughts and self-loathing for you
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know most of my adult life and saying
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I'm fine and not addressing it and not
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letting anybody in is if it's just a bad
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move you know and the more the things
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that have happened to me over the last
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year that the more I've sort of realized
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that that's it's like putting a plaster
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over cancer you're not dealing with
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anything last April was the worst time
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for me I was living with that feeling I
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can't even describe I still can I'm have
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to now obviously but if I was to choose
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one word it'd be something like
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overwhelm I remember lying in bed one
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morning and I was overwhelmed because I
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was trying to remember what feeling
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happy felt like and I couldn't remember
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and I thought there's no point in living
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if I can't actually remember how to be
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happy anymore I'd had suicidal thoughts
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before as everyone who suffers from
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depression it surely does but always
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knew I'd never really go through with it
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because of the the pain and you know
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everything that would cause the people
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that were close to me is you know what a
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great deterrent that is I just didn't
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couldn't do that but that morning when I
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lay in bed depression had completely
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taken over my thoughts it manipulated
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and it had lied its way into making me
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think that ending my own life wasn't
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just best for me but actually would be
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best for everybody because that was that
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is what depression does it overpowers
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you it takes the wheel and it steers you
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away from everyone and everything you
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love and it takes you down a dark tunnel
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and when you're in that turn oh it hugs
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you and it tells you that this is where
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you're supposed to belong I called my
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mum that morning but it wasn't because I
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needed help I thought I was beyond help
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I called her because I thought that day
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I was going to take my own life and I
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called her to hear her voice one last
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time
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not only does my mum love me I think she
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she knows me better than anyone and also
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she's a mental health professional and I
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think by the tone of my voice the kind
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of things that I was saying she knew
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something really serious was up and and
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the love I heard in her voice she she
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managed to bring me back for a second
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and in that second she suggested that
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together we get me some help and that's
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kind of all it took I went to my GP the
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next day and I did something I thought
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I'd never do I I told someone I didn't
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know what was going on inside my own
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head and after a little conversation
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about depression he asked me a question
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I can't believe I hadn't asked myself he
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said do you actually want to die or do
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you just not want to feel like this
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anymore
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I thought what an important distinction
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to make because when you're when you're
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in that fog you cannot you can't ask
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yourself questions like that my
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depression doesn't hit me like a
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sledgehammer out of nowhere I needed
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this it leave like with sudden relief
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like waking up from a nightmare it
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creeps in and then it creeps away again
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it's like taking a painkiller for a
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headache you don't know the instant your
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headache is gone
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you just realize it's been gone a while
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I realized I was feeling better when I
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was out walking the dog one day and I
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realized I've walked the thing 12 miles
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and everything just everything I just
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and I was perfectly happy doing that and
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it just felt good you know and this
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sounds weird but everything looks normal
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again all the colors looked how they
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should because depression kind of lowers
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the saturation on everything for me and
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everything just looked good it just felt
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good there's like the part of my brain
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that conked out six months before had
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just spluttered back into life and all
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these my excitement and motivation and
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appreciation of beauty or this sort of
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thing had suddenly start to come back
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online and I was beginning to remember a
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feeling happy felt like I put it all
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down to the walk-in I put it well not
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all of it but I put it down to being
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outside and making that first step into
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talking home and I had an idea I went
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into town straightaway and I bought a
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map of Great Britain and I sat
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frantically circling all the all the
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parts of the country that I thought
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would inspire me to stay outside the
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hole you know then just to kind of keep
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this good feeling going and and I
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thought in turn if I document that then
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I might inspire other people who've been
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through what I've been through to to get
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outside as well
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once I'd circled all the bits of Great
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Britain that I wanted to see I put a big
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line through them all when this route
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appeared in front of me I'm like yes I'm
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doing that I need to do that that was
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the easy bit obviously the hard bit
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wasn't getting myself match fit which
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was really hard you should have seen me
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it wasn't researching and sourcing the
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kit I needed it wasn't plotting my route
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to the end it was was telling people
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what I was good not so much what I was
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gonna do but why I was gonna do it
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because it meant coming clean finally
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all these feelings I've been so ashamed
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of for so long all this stuff that I
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fought compromised Who I am as a person
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I had to tell them all it was the worst
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thing I ever had to do and the best
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thing I ever did the response absolutely
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floored me and I couldn't believe the
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amount of people that were going through
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the same kind of thing I was going
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through and all of a sudden I realized
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that this was important this is
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something I really really have to do the
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name I gave my 3,000 mile hike around
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Great Britain was black dog walks six
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weeks later I stood at Brighton Pier and
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just started heading west all I had on
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me ironically were the things that I
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needed to survive in a week I'd reached
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Bournemouth in a month and a half I'd
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reached Lands End and at this point it
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was all about promoting exercise of
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being outdoors as a way of managing
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mental health and raising money for the
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Mental Health Foundation but by the time
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I got up to Wales I've been gone for so
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long the thing had turned from a
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challenge into a lifestyle where I found
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a way to live in the moment serendipity
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serendipitous encounters with strangers
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of being immersed in nature all the time
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and having the feeling like you're
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living completely in the moment is like
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gold dust to a depressive
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by the time I'd made it into North Wales
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climb Mount Snowdon and come back I was
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getting messages from people all over
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the country and I couldn't believe how
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open people were being about their own
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experiences and how much this was
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connecting with people and I know it was
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something really really interesting a
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lot of people who got in touch with me
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hadn't actually told anyone else I was
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the first person they were telling and I
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was like no one no one else could
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understand and I remember having that
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feeling as well because everything in my
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life led me to my depression that awful
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feeling you know the situation's have
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been in the people in my life the
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decisions I've made everything had just
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reached that one moment I thought how
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the hell is anyone gonna understand that
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and ever and that was the thread that
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was running through all these
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conversations I was having with people
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they were like no one's gonna understand
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me cause I've been through this this
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this this and this and I realize it's
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not that's not what we should be talking
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about it's the feeling itself because
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depression is it huge like it's the
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biggest most inclusive club in the world
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like anyone can join it's evolving all
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the time but the its biggest trick is
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convincing everyone who's part of that
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club that they're the only member isn't
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that clever
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and everyone thinks that their stuff is
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the worst and no one's ever had as bad
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as me and all the guilt that goes with
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that and everything but that's because
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we're talking about the wrong things we
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start talking about the feeling itself
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then people can get on board without
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people know what that's like and that's
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when things turn into a community last
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November I experienced the true nature
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of community when I did this got
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involved in a BBC documentary where I
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and nine other people with mental health
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problems decided to tell our stories to
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the nation and run the London Marathon
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together initially I thought it was just
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gonna be a you know something about
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mental health and endorphins and all the
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things I've been trying to sum up with
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in the walk but as it went on I realized
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that running was the backdrop and it was
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more of the community and the
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achievement and all these things that
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running led to that were having a real
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positive impact on my mental health
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movement is
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the words my coach Chevy is that guy
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used it instead of exercise I think I
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still don't quite know his you know how
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his brain works and that's why I love it
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but he but movement sort of isn't just
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about exercise it's about moving forward
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it's about progression it's about
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working on yourself physically and
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mentally and being there for other
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people but being in the documentary I
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mean I was communicating by you know
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doing the walk before through video
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blogging but I had the kind of safety
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net thereof of talking about it for you
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know talking into my phone on my own and
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having the luxury of being able to trim
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out some of the waffle that is some of
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the stuff that I thought wasn't
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necessary later on before I posted it as
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a video blog what my neighbor meritum
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told me to do or force me to do even was
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to put an unedited version of myself out
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there and that's when I realized what a
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great leveller talking about your mental
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health openly is nobody's above anyone
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else in that conversation I think a lot
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of how we present ourselves is is run by
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ego in the status and I think a lot of
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that it governs how you know the things
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that we do and what we say a discussion
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about mental health seems to suspend all
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that and it levels the playing field and
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that's great because it's a reminder
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that really we're all on the same team
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we all have mental health and the more
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we learn about each other's the more we
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learn about our own whether it was
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talking to one of the guys my coach you
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know Nick Knowles Prince Harry you know
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I don't if I've got a picture of Prince
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Harry actually oh yeah I totally do
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so when we announced it we were having
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our first child that's libelous that
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didn't happen
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I didn't impregnate Prince Harry on the
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set of my Nova marathon it's important
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that you know that but I love this
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picture because we do look like mates
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and if we look relaxed and that's
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because I've had I've been lucky enough
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to have that we'll fight we bobbin in
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the background there we'd had this
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conversation this 15-minute 20 minute
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long conversation and I was asking him
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how he was doing he was asking me how I
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was doing it was real weed levelled it
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all out like and I didn't feel beneath
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him Prince Harry
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fell on top of him right that stops now
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that stops now and breaking down the
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invisible barriers that society creates
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for us barriers which make us question
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our place in the world it's just good
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for everybody talking about mental
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health is what's best for society
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because deep down everyone craves human
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connection the walk still going on I'm I
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came down from Inverness I've walked
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over 2,000 miles and after this I'll be
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heading back up there to to finish it up
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back to John O'Groats and then head back
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to Brighton and hopefully finished
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sometime this winter so I'm not gonna
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finish on that because it's not done yet
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I want to I want to finish on something
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that I have achieved and something I'm
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proud of because I want to show that in
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the face of depression people can
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achieve big things and that's a powerful
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thing this is something I wrote the day
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after I ran the London Marathon and a
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year after I lay in bed that day about
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to kill myself as I approached the
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marker at Mar 26 my body begins to feel
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heavy it feels like with every step that
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I take another layer of clothing goes on
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by the time me and poppy marched past
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the houses of parliament I feel like I'm
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wearing a suit of armor and then we run
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the last point two miles is harder than
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the 26 before it it's almost impossible
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eight hundred meters to go six hundred
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meters to go four hundred I feel like
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I'm running through water 200 the crowds
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cheer snaps me back into reality and I
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realized what
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happening where I am and what I'm about
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to do I reach out and I grab Papa's hand
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and do my best to hold it up what I'm so
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weak I could barely lift my own arm i
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feet pound the road in unison both knees
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strapped up as we finally crossed the
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line in 5 hours and 52 minutes and as my
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pace drops and I begin to walk I feel
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strangely calm I glide over to the
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people that have been there with me over
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the last six months as I watch them cry
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and hug and congratulate I take a step
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back and I make a promise to myself that
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whenever I feel worthless whenever I
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feel worthless whenever I feel alone and
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ashamed of the feelings I'm feeling I'll
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play this moment over and over again in
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my head until it goes away because the
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feeling I have right now
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I don't want to die I want to live
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forever thank you
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[Applause]
