The Best Relationship Advice No One Ever Told You

00:44:11
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Kycn43KNOE

Résumé

TLDRIn this episode of the Mel Robbins podcast, Mel and her husband Chris discuss pressing relationship questions from their audience, focusing on personal growth, handling disagreements, and navigating societal and familial pressures. They stress that individual happiness is crucial for a healthy marriage. By sharing their own experiences, they illustrate the importance of clear communication and understanding in relationships, especially when dealing with unmet expectations and parenting challenges. The couple underscores that while personal change can be difficult for partners, it is essential for overall relationship health and compatibility. They encourage listeners to focus on self-improvement to enrich their marriages further.

A retenir

  • 💬 Open communication is vital for handling disagreements.
  • 🌱 Focus on individual growth to enhance your relationship.
  • 🚪 Establish boundaries around personal space.
  • 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦 Align your values and parenting styles with your partner.
  • 📅 Dedicate time each week for shared activities.
  • 🤝 Address unmet expectations through clear communication.
  • 💔 Understand that pressure from outside sources can be minimized with a united front.
  • 🌈 Keep your individuality alive while nurturing your relationship.
  • 💡 Change often requires conversation and understanding between partners.
  • ❤️ Love yourself first to love your partner better.

Chronologie

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The podcast starts with Mel Robbins and her husband Chris addressing questions from listeners about relationships, personal growth, and navigating life's challenges as a couple. They emphasize the importance of addressing personal issues and self-growth as crucial elements in any relationship. They discuss how individual behaviors can influence one another and highlight the need for open communication about personal growth and its impact on compatibility.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    Mel explains that when one partner is growing and the other is not, it can lead to a fork in the road where they question their compatibility. The duo stresses that while you can't force someone to change, you can influence them, and it's essential to focus on your own growth. They note that this personal focus will naturally bring happiness into the relationship.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    As the conversation progresses, they explore how societal and familial pressures can strain marriage. The need for couples to unite on shared values and parenting styles is underscored as vital for maintaining a strong bond against external pressures.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    They address feelings of distance felt by couples after significant life changes, such as moving or having children, and propose scheduling dedicated time together to reconnect and explore new activities, which can revitalize their relationship.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    Mel and Chris delve into the necessity of personal space within a marriage, discussing the importance of openly communicating about the need for alone time. Establishing boundaries peacefully is a key theme here, allowing each partner to have their personal needs respected and accommodated.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    In discussing parenting disagreements, Chris and Mel highlight the differing approaches they take, which often stem from deep-seated beliefs and past experiences. They encourage parents to communicate and navigate these differences intentionally, emphasizing the importance of collaboration when parenting.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:35:00

    The duo discusses the significance of maintaining individual identity within a marriage, arguing strongly against losing oneself in the relationship. They argue that self-care and self-improvement lead to a healthier partnership, advocating that happiness comes from within and is vital for relationship strength.

  • 00:35:00 - 00:44:11

    Finally, they tackle the issue of unmet expectations in relationships. Chris and Mel promote the idea that clarity and communication about needs and expectations are essential to prevent resentment from building up. They provide personal anecdotes to illustrate the necessity of clear dialogue and the importance of perceiving each other's backgrounds to foster a collaborative approach to expectations.

Afficher plus

Carte mentale

Vidéo Q&R

  • How can I handle disagreements in my marriage?

    Focus on clear communication, understand each other's perspectives, and find common ground.

  • What should I do if my partner isn't interested in personal growth?

    Invest in your own growth, as it may influence your partner positively, but be aware of compatibility issues.

  • How do I set boundaries for personal space in a relationship?

    Have a conversation about your needs for alone time and establish a routine that respects those boundaries.

  • How can I deal with external pressures affecting my marriage?

    Ensure you and your partner are aligned in your values and address outside opinions as a united front.

  • What if I feel I'm losing my identity in my marriage?

    Focus on personal interests and communicate your needs to your partner.

  • How can I address unmet expectations in my relationship?

    Communicate clearly with your partner about your expectations and what you need from them.

  • What advice do you have for couples feeling distant after a major life change?

    Set aside dedicated time each week for shared activities to reconnect.

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  • 00:00:00
    you have been submitting relationship
  • 00:00:02
    questions my husband Chris and I we are
  • 00:00:04
    going to go one by one through your
  • 00:00:06
    questions do you remember what you
  • 00:00:07
    said no you don't this changed my life
  • 00:00:12
    what you said I don't think this is a
  • 00:00:14
    marriage problem I think it's a you
  • 00:00:15
    problem you'll know when you get to the
  • 00:00:17
    point where it's a fork in the road and
  • 00:00:19
    you're like I don't know if I can be
  • 00:00:20
    with somebody who's like this your
  • 00:00:22
    partner's Behavior influences you I said
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    you cannot force someone else to change
  • 00:00:27
    I never said you couldn't influence them
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    carve out a dedicated moment in the week
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    to do something either familiar or
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    totally new I just had a huge Epiphany
  • 00:00:39
    after 30 years of being with you amen
  • 00:00:42
    how do you two handle disagreements this
  • 00:00:44
    is this is the million-dollar
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    question hey it's your friend Mel
  • 00:00:51
    welcome to the Mel Robbins podcast it is
  • 00:00:53
    always such a pleasure to be with you
  • 00:00:55
    and to spend time together and if you're
  • 00:00:56
    brand new welcome to the Mel Robbins
  • 00:00:58
    podcast family I am so excited because
  • 00:01:01
    today my husband Chris and I are going
  • 00:01:03
    to be spending time with you answering
  • 00:01:06
    your questions ever since I launched the
  • 00:01:08
    Mel Robbins podcast you have been
  • 00:01:10
    submitting relationship questions to
  • 00:01:12
    melrobbins.com and today is the day and
  • 00:01:16
    we are going to go one by one through
  • 00:01:18
    your questions we're covering so many
  • 00:01:20
    rich and important topics from
  • 00:01:22
    resentment to unmet expectations to what
  • 00:01:24
    to do when you're changing and your
  • 00:01:26
    spouse isn't or your spouse is changing
  • 00:01:28
    and you are not how to agree on
  • 00:01:30
    parenting issues how to deal with
  • 00:01:32
    pressure from your family what to do
  • 00:01:34
    when you start to feel like you're
  • 00:01:36
    either losing yourself in your marriage
  • 00:01:37
    or you're starting to drift apart and so
  • 00:01:40
    much more Chris and I have been together
  • 00:01:42
    for 30 years we have three adult
  • 00:01:44
    children and I'm going to tell you
  • 00:01:46
    something whether you're in a
  • 00:01:47
    relationship right now whether you've
  • 00:01:48
    just started whether you've been
  • 00:01:49
    together for a long time whether you've
  • 00:01:51
    just broken up there is so much that
  • 00:01:54
    you're going to get out of this
  • 00:01:55
    conversation and I'm absolutely thrilled
  • 00:01:57
    to be here with you and by the way if
  • 00:01:59
    you love this format you ask the
  • 00:02:01
    questions I deliver the answers let me
  • 00:02:04
    know and we'll keep on doing it here
  • 00:02:06
    comes Chris so let's get going thanks
  • 00:02:08
    for the invitation so Chris I've got a
  • 00:02:10
    ton of questions from listeners of the
  • 00:02:14
    podcast who have written in and I'm just
  • 00:02:18
    going to read them and then we're going
  • 00:02:19
    to tackle them okay I'm ready all right
  • 00:02:22
    question number one comes from Rachel hi
  • 00:02:25
    I love that you both are always growing
  • 00:02:27
    as individuals I sometimes feel like I'm
  • 00:02:28
    working on myself but my partner isn't
  • 00:02:30
    as focused on personal growth how do you
  • 00:02:33
    two balance working on yourselves
  • 00:02:35
    individually while also nurturing your
  • 00:02:37
    relationship
  • 00:02:39
    together you want to go first
  • 00:02:42
    no you're stalling aren't you to think
  • 00:02:45
    of an answer all right I'll go first
  • 00:02:47
    okay um this is this is the million--
  • 00:02:50
    dooll question for many people why is
  • 00:02:52
    this the million-dollar question because
  • 00:02:54
    it it points to a potential fork in the
  • 00:02:58
    road where somebody is growing and
  • 00:03:01
    somebody
  • 00:03:03
    has outwardly chosen not
  • 00:03:07
    to that's
  • 00:03:09
    true I am G to attack this two ways the
  • 00:03:13
    first thing I'm going to say is this I
  • 00:03:15
    once heard someone say the secret to a
  • 00:03:18
    happy marriage is to marry someone who's
  • 00:03:21
    happy
  • 00:03:23
    and the truth is you cannot make another
  • 00:03:26
    human being happy you can make them a
  • 00:03:29
    cup of coffee coffee you can make some
  • 00:03:30
    reservations you can make the bed that
  • 00:03:33
    you both sleep in but you cannot make
  • 00:03:35
    someone else
  • 00:03:36
    happy you can also not change somebody
  • 00:03:39
    or Force someone to
  • 00:03:40
    grow and the best thing that you can do
  • 00:03:44
    for your relationship is to stop
  • 00:03:46
    focusing on what your partner is doing
  • 00:03:49
    and focus on taking the actions that
  • 00:03:53
    make you a better person that make you a
  • 00:03:56
    happier person invest in your own growth
  • 00:03:59
    because when you do that you naturally
  • 00:04:01
    bring it back to the
  • 00:04:03
    relationship and if you're with somebody
  • 00:04:06
    who is not growing and you are
  • 00:04:10
    growing there will come a time where
  • 00:04:12
    there's a fork in a road because you're
  • 00:04:14
    going to start to probably resent the
  • 00:04:17
    fact or judge the other person for the
  • 00:04:19
    fact that they're not doing the work
  • 00:04:21
    that you're doing and interestingly this
  • 00:04:25
    is an entire section of the let them
  • 00:04:28
    Theory Book an entire section
  • 00:04:33
    because there is a fundamental fact
  • 00:04:36
    about human behavior and it's
  • 00:04:39
    this people only change when they feel
  • 00:04:42
    like
  • 00:04:42
    it and when you pressure another person
  • 00:04:46
    to change or to grow in the ways that
  • 00:04:48
    you are your pressure doesn't create
  • 00:04:50
    change it creates resistance to change
  • 00:04:54
    and so you're right Chris this is a
  • 00:04:57
    conundrum because the fork in the road
  • 00:04:59
    is actually very
  • 00:05:01
    simple as you grow if your partner isn't
  • 00:05:05
    there will come a time where you're not
  • 00:05:06
    going to question your commitment you're
  • 00:05:08
    going to question your
  • 00:05:10
    compatibility and you're going to start
  • 00:05:12
    to ask yourself can I be in a
  • 00:05:14
    relationship with
  • 00:05:16
    someone who is exactly as they are and
  • 00:05:19
    not willing to lean into life and grow
  • 00:05:23
    so think about it as two separate things
  • 00:05:26
    you should always always always be
  • 00:05:28
    investing in your own GR grow and your
  • 00:05:30
    own happiness because the happier you
  • 00:05:32
    are the more happiness you're going to
  • 00:05:34
    bring into your
  • 00:05:35
    relationship but there may come a time
  • 00:05:39
    where you start to question whether or
  • 00:05:42
    not you're compatible and that's a
  • 00:05:45
    completely different thing I struggle
  • 00:05:49
    with that because that does not
  • 00:05:52
    actually I don't see a difference
  • 00:05:55
    between that and
  • 00:05:57
    compatibility because if you're
  • 00:06:00
    committed to growth and development and
  • 00:06:06
    you you demonstrate that through your
  • 00:06:08
    own
  • 00:06:10
    actions and you have the experience that
  • 00:06:13
    your partner is not inspired by his his
  • 00:06:18
    or her own growth or
  • 00:06:20
    development and your actions are not
  • 00:06:23
    rubbing off on that
  • 00:06:25
    person that points to a lack of
  • 00:06:28
    compatibility well well there's two
  • 00:06:30
    things that may be at play and this is
  • 00:06:34
    why I would encourage you if you're
  • 00:06:35
    sitting here going this is becoming a
  • 00:06:38
    lack of compatibility have you even had
  • 00:06:40
    the
  • 00:06:41
    conversation have you sat down and
  • 00:06:44
    talked about how their lack of interest
  • 00:06:47
    in their own growth is impacting you and
  • 00:06:50
    if you haven't had the conversation you
  • 00:06:52
    need to and you need to come at it from
  • 00:06:55
    how it impacts you emotionally how it
  • 00:06:58
    makes you feel like you're not being
  • 00:07:00
    supported how you may be worried about
  • 00:07:03
    them the second thing I want you to
  • 00:07:05
    understand is that when a person in a
  • 00:07:09
    relationship starts to change and grow
  • 00:07:11
    it is extraordinarily confronting and
  • 00:07:14
    scary to their partner and I want to
  • 00:07:18
    share a personal story from our
  • 00:07:21
    relationship that will really illustrate
  • 00:07:24
    the reason why you have to have a
  • 00:07:26
    conversation about what is really going
  • 00:07:28
    on
  • 00:07:30
    in terms of how your partner is
  • 00:07:32
    perceiving all of your growth and change
  • 00:07:35
    so couple years ago you decided Chris
  • 00:07:38
    that you were going to just stop
  • 00:07:41
    drinking and when you said you were
  • 00:07:43
    going to stop drinking which is an
  • 00:07:44
    incredible form of personal growth and
  • 00:07:47
    it's a big change positive change to
  • 00:07:50
    make in your life I was like Yay you go
  • 00:07:53
    be better I love that for you you are
  • 00:07:56
    drinking too much you're exactly right
  • 00:07:58
    and you
  • 00:08:00
    never
  • 00:08:02
    ever shamed me or made a request of me
  • 00:08:07
    to stop drinking you chose to do that
  • 00:08:10
    for your growth and I think that's an
  • 00:08:12
    important point he wasn't doing it for
  • 00:08:15
    me he was doing it for himself because
  • 00:08:18
    adults change when they feel like
  • 00:08:20
    changing and they change for themselves
  • 00:08:23
    so fast forward a couple days Chris is
  • 00:08:26
    not drinking at all and you are the
  • 00:08:29
    least dramatic person I know you never
  • 00:08:33
    complained you never had a fuss about it
  • 00:08:36
    you just
  • 00:08:38
    quietly
  • 00:08:39
    consistently showed up for yourself so
  • 00:08:42
    I'd say it was about the fourth day I'm
  • 00:08:45
    cooking dinner and I open up the fridge
  • 00:08:48
    and I open up a bottle of wine because I
  • 00:08:51
    love cooking dinner and I love cooking
  • 00:08:53
    dinner with a glass of wine in my hand
  • 00:08:55
    and you walk in and I'm like hey would
  • 00:08:56
    you like a glass of
  • 00:08:58
    wine and you said no and I was like oh
  • 00:09:01
    come on it's just a glass of wine and
  • 00:09:04
    you're like Mel I'm not drinking and
  • 00:09:05
    then I'm like well it's kind of just
  • 00:09:07
    like
  • 00:09:07
    juice and you didn't think that was
  • 00:09:11
    funny and as I tell the story I realize
  • 00:09:14
    I look like a complete monster and jerk
  • 00:09:18
    because I am now not only making a joke
  • 00:09:21
    about what you're trying to do I'm
  • 00:09:22
    actively
  • 00:09:24
    undermining the change you're trying to
  • 00:09:26
    make and I'll never forget this you
  • 00:09:28
    looked me Square in the IIs and you said
  • 00:09:31
    do you remember what you said no you
  • 00:09:34
    don't this changed my life what you said
  • 00:09:38
    I got a couple of things you've said to
  • 00:09:40
    me that have changed my life and you
  • 00:09:41
    probably don't even know it yourself
  • 00:09:43
    that's true that's true I've never
  • 00:09:45
    thought about that but this is what you
  • 00:09:46
    said you said Mel no one cares what's in
  • 00:09:50
    your glass but you stop asking me if I
  • 00:09:55
    want to have a drink I have told you I
  • 00:09:58
    am not drinking
  • 00:10:00
    and then I think I was like okay okay
  • 00:10:01
    well I just feel kind of weird like
  • 00:10:03
    having a glass of wine alone and you
  • 00:10:05
    said if you're self-conscious about
  • 00:10:08
    what's in your
  • 00:10:09
    glass then you should be looking in the
  • 00:10:12
    mirror and asking yourself
  • 00:10:15
    why and the point of this story is that
  • 00:10:19
    when someone that you love
  • 00:10:23
    changes you in your mind understand that
  • 00:10:27
    that's good but but as you see the
  • 00:10:30
    person changing and growing and getting
  • 00:10:34
    better it forces you to take a look at
  • 00:10:38
    your own behavior and that is
  • 00:10:40
    extraordinarily
  • 00:10:42
    confronting and I want you to understand
  • 00:10:45
    this because your partner may want to
  • 00:10:47
    grow but they may be stuck in that mode
  • 00:10:50
    where they don't feel like doing it yet
  • 00:10:53
    any pressure any shame it is
  • 00:10:57
    1,00% going to
  • 00:10:59
    push them away from
  • 00:11:01
    you and Chris did the best thing in the
  • 00:11:04
    world Chris just carried on and you
  • 00:11:06
    focused on what you wanted to change and
  • 00:11:09
    I'm going to tell you something your
  • 00:11:10
    partner's Behavior influences you I said
  • 00:11:14
    you cannot force someone else to change
  • 00:11:16
    I never said you couldn't influence them
  • 00:11:18
    every time you wake up and you roll out
  • 00:11:20
    of bed an hour and a half earlier than I
  • 00:11:22
    do I hear you get up and it makes me
  • 00:11:25
    think I should do
  • 00:11:27
    that every time you go and you take the
  • 00:11:30
    dogs on a loop I think I should do that
  • 00:11:34
    and that's exactly what your partner is
  • 00:11:36
    thinking whether they're telling you
  • 00:11:38
    that or not and you know when you said
  • 00:11:41
    Chris that it is a compatibility issue
  • 00:11:43
    it's true at some point if your partner
  • 00:11:46
    doesn't ever feel like changing like
  • 00:11:48
    let's say you get sober and you don't
  • 00:11:50
    it's just not going to work for you it's
  • 00:11:51
    a deal breaker to be with somebody who
  • 00:11:54
    drinks that's okay only you know if
  • 00:11:58
    you're in a situ ation based on your
  • 00:12:00
    growth and your partner's lack of growth
  • 00:12:02
    if you've gotten to a point where the
  • 00:12:04
    road forks and this is a deal breaker
  • 00:12:07
    and here's how you can tell if it's a
  • 00:12:09
    deal breaker because I wrote an entire
  • 00:12:11
    section about all this in the let them
  • 00:12:14
    theory if the person never
  • 00:12:17
    changes they keep
  • 00:12:19
    drinking they never take care of their
  • 00:12:21
    health they never address the
  • 00:12:24
    depression they never speak to you
  • 00:12:27
    kindly can you can continue to choose
  • 00:12:30
    them and love them as they are and the
  • 00:12:32
    only way that you're going to be able to
  • 00:12:34
    answer that question is can you end your
  • 00:12:36
    complaining about
  • 00:12:37
    it if you can't end your complaining
  • 00:12:40
    this is a deal
  • 00:12:41
    breaker and based on the research in the
  • 00:12:44
    let them Theory
  • 00:12:46
    Book deal breakers are things that make
  • 00:12:50
    you give up on your dreams and your
  • 00:12:53
    values but the vast majority of stuff
  • 00:12:56
    that people kind of are frustrated about
  • 00:12:58
    are not deal Breakers at all they're
  • 00:13:01
    just differences in what people
  • 00:13:03
    prioritize in their life is there
  • 00:13:06
    anything else you want to
  • 00:13:08
    add I just want to speak to anybody who
  • 00:13:11
    might be on the other side who has not
  • 00:13:15
    embarked on some of these
  • 00:13:18
    changes growth choices what have you
  • 00:13:20
    because I think that when you are in a
  • 00:13:23
    relationship where somebody takes
  • 00:13:26
    off it's easy to sometimes conclude that
  • 00:13:30
    ah well nothing I can do to catch up
  • 00:13:34
    throw my arms up nah I don't need to go
  • 00:13:38
    learn that or try this new thing or or I
  • 00:13:41
    can't and I would just say to those
  • 00:13:44
    people there
  • 00:13:46
    is there is always a perfect time to
  • 00:13:50
    make that choice regardless of what your
  • 00:13:53
    your significant other may or may not
  • 00:13:56
    have
  • 00:13:57
    done this would be the perfect episode
  • 00:14:00
    to send to your partner and open up this
  • 00:14:03
    conversation because what I've found is
  • 00:14:05
    that people also tend to change when
  • 00:14:07
    they're given the space to come to their
  • 00:14:09
    own conclusions and feel like this was
  • 00:14:11
    their decision not their partner's
  • 00:14:14
    decision and this is super important
  • 00:14:17
    because the other thing that happens is
  • 00:14:19
    you start to feel like there's something
  • 00:14:21
    wrong with you which means you're going
  • 00:14:24
    to want to defend yourself if you feel
  • 00:14:26
    like somebody's trying to change you
  • 00:14:27
    it's it's it's part of human wiring and
  • 00:14:31
    so just to kind of close the loop on
  • 00:14:34
    this it is so great that you're
  • 00:14:36
    growing you have to have the
  • 00:14:40
    conversation about how your partner
  • 00:14:43
    feels and how their lack of interest in
  • 00:14:47
    this is making you feel and once you
  • 00:14:51
    have that conversation and you also
  • 00:14:54
    affirm that you love this person and you
  • 00:14:58
    accept them as they are and you
  • 00:15:00
    apologize for pressuring them and you
  • 00:15:03
    ask for what you need for support back
  • 00:15:07
    off back off you have to give someone
  • 00:15:10
    else the space to work through their
  • 00:15:12
    stuff and come to their own
  • 00:15:14
    conclusions and you'll know when you get
  • 00:15:16
    to the point where it's a fork in the
  • 00:15:18
    road and you're like I don't know if I
  • 00:15:19
    can be with somebody who's like this and
  • 00:15:22
    that's when you're at the point where
  • 00:15:23
    you're like is this a deal breaker for
  • 00:15:25
    me and only you know that
  • 00:15:30
    ready for the next one hey Mel society
  • 00:15:32
    and even family sometimes seems to put a
  • 00:15:35
    lot of pressure on my marriage in ways I
  • 00:15:37
    wasn't expecting how do you and Chris
  • 00:15:39
    deal with outside pressures like
  • 00:15:40
    societal expectations or family opinions
  • 00:15:43
    that might impact your relationship I
  • 00:15:46
    got a quote for you A House Divided
  • 00:15:49
    cannot stand what does that mean it
  • 00:15:52
    means pressure from the outside cannot
  • 00:15:56
    tear you and your partner apart it's the
  • 00:15:59
    cracks from within your relationship
  • 00:16:01
    that do that so if outside pressure or
  • 00:16:05
    family's opinions are getting to you and
  • 00:16:07
    your spouse that tells me that you two
  • 00:16:10
    are not on the same page you two need to
  • 00:16:13
    get together and agree on what you value
  • 00:16:18
    and what your parenting style is and why
  • 00:16:21
    and that's what creates a house that is
  • 00:16:24
    together and once you're together there
  • 00:16:27
    is nothing on the outside that can make
  • 00:16:29
    you fall I would also say that if you
  • 00:16:32
    haven't had that
  • 00:16:34
    conversation it's cool to sit together
  • 00:16:39
    and actually
  • 00:16:41
    consider regardless of how many years
  • 00:16:43
    you may be together but what your values
  • 00:16:46
    are and what the other person's values
  • 00:16:48
    are and why and how are they or are they
  • 00:16:52
    not
  • 00:16:53
    even aligned because perception may not
  • 00:16:57
    be reality there you know one of the
  • 00:16:59
    things in writing the let them Theory
  • 00:17:01
    book that I realized when it comes to
  • 00:17:04
    Parenting and families is that when you
  • 00:17:06
    and your partner decide what your values
  • 00:17:09
    are and what your Traditions are and
  • 00:17:11
    what your parenting style and philosophy
  • 00:17:13
    and approach is it is going to be yours
  • 00:17:18
    and if it's different than what you grew
  • 00:17:21
    up in guess what your parents are going
  • 00:17:23
    to see that as some rejection of how
  • 00:17:26
    they did it they're going to take it
  • 00:17:28
    personally it's natural I think when our
  • 00:17:30
    kids grow up and they have families of
  • 00:17:32
    their own if they do things differently
  • 00:17:34
    we'll probably have a little bit of
  • 00:17:36
    like because we know what we know and so
  • 00:17:41
    the other thing to consider is just
  • 00:17:43
    understand that people are going to have
  • 00:17:44
    their opinions let
  • 00:17:47
    them let them be a little bothered that
  • 00:17:49
    you're doing things differently because
  • 00:17:51
    they're now questioning the way they did
  • 00:17:53
    things right and you and your partner
  • 00:17:57
    get on the same page and then there's
  • 00:18:00
    room for both things to be true there's
  • 00:18:02
    room for the old traditions and the ways
  • 00:18:05
    in which you both grew up and then
  • 00:18:06
    there's room for you two to come
  • 00:18:09
    together and figure out how you're going
  • 00:18:11
    to do it for your family super cool
  • 00:18:15
    question all right I'll do the next one
  • 00:18:18
    um this one's from Sarah hey Mel my
  • 00:18:21
    spouse and I have been feeling a bit
  • 00:18:23
    distance after having kids and moving to
  • 00:18:24
    a new city what advice would you give to
  • 00:18:27
    couples who feel like they've started to
  • 00:18:29
    drift apart especially after a big life
  • 00:18:33
    change carve out a dedicated moment in
  • 00:18:38
    the week to do something either familiar
  • 00:18:41
    or totally new I would say you and I
  • 00:18:44
    have we've been talking about getting
  • 00:18:46
    back to doing a dance class together
  • 00:18:50
    that we so loved doing 25 years ago it's
  • 00:18:54
    true this is a good uh whether it's
  • 00:18:58
    dedicated dinner date coffee walk in the
  • 00:19:01
    woods whatever hold the time in your
  • 00:19:05
    calendar Chris and I have just spent the
  • 00:19:08
    last couple years having like a weekly
  • 00:19:10
    therapy session and the best part about
  • 00:19:13
    it wasn't the therapy it was the fact
  • 00:19:15
    that we had a dedicated time in the
  • 00:19:17
    calendar every week during the day once
  • 00:19:19
    a week to come together and just pause
  • 00:19:21
    and talk for 40 minutes about how we
  • 00:19:23
    were doing and you can create that for
  • 00:19:26
    yourself I'm not talking about a date
  • 00:19:27
    night I'm talking about holding space in
  • 00:19:29
    your calendar no phones no children no
  • 00:19:33
    pets just you two and we also just moved
  • 00:19:35
    to a brand new place we lived outside of
  • 00:19:38
    Boston for 26 years where we raised our
  • 00:19:41
    kids for the most part and then moved to
  • 00:19:43
    a small town in southern Vermont where
  • 00:19:45
    we really didn't know a lot of people
  • 00:19:48
    and one of the things that we did is we
  • 00:19:51
    made a point once a week to go try to
  • 00:19:53
    explore something in our new area you
  • 00:19:56
    just moved to a new place that's super
  • 00:19:58
    cool
  • 00:19:59
    find a new hike try a new restaurant
  • 00:20:01
    explore a new neighborhood these are all
  • 00:20:03
    opportunities for you to to learn and
  • 00:20:05
    laugh and grow together which is super
  • 00:20:08
    cool um here's another one Jessica I've
  • 00:20:11
    been married for five years and
  • 00:20:12
    sometimes I just need space but I don't
  • 00:20:15
    want my spouse to feel like I'm pulling
  • 00:20:16
    away how do you and Chris set boundaries
  • 00:20:18
    with each other when it comes to needing
  • 00:20:20
    personal space or alone
  • 00:20:22
    time well I think first you got to have
  • 00:20:24
    a conversation about what constitutes
  • 00:20:27
    aone time what what do you what do you
  • 00:20:30
    need um and what serves you not just
  • 00:20:35
    what what is aone time but when do you
  • 00:20:38
    need it and for how long this isn't a
  • 00:20:41
    problem for me CU I figured out that I
  • 00:20:44
    need aone time and I carved it out with
  • 00:20:49
    you uh and your
  • 00:20:51
    understanding 2 to three hours in the
  • 00:20:54
    morning I get up super early and go do
  • 00:20:57
    whatever my thing is
  • 00:20:59
    whether it's working out or being
  • 00:21:00
    outside or being in the office and I
  • 00:21:03
    think the reason why that really works
  • 00:21:06
    for me is because I laid that out for
  • 00:21:09
    you that I not only need it this is what
  • 00:21:11
    it gives for me and also please do not
  • 00:21:15
    interrupt what I love about that is
  • 00:21:17
    Chris has not negotiated for that and
  • 00:21:20
    pulled time away from me he claimed that
  • 00:21:22
    for himself and you can too you can
  • 00:21:25
    create a morning routine where you get
  • 00:21:26
    alone time and Chris is also really good
  • 00:21:29
    about saying I need to take a couple
  • 00:21:32
    nights out and go on a solo hike in the
  • 00:21:34
    woods and then he also though has the
  • 00:21:38
    consideration to
  • 00:21:39
    go when would it work and we work
  • 00:21:43
    together on carving it out and so the
  • 00:21:46
    really big takeaway here is every single
  • 00:21:49
    person in a relationship has
  • 00:21:51
    needs never expect your partner to read
  • 00:21:55
    your mind never expect your partner to
  • 00:21:57
    just know what those needs are and when
  • 00:22:00
    you need them when you recognize your
  • 00:22:03
    own needs and you respect yourself and
  • 00:22:06
    your partner enough to be able to sit
  • 00:22:09
    down and say hey this is something I
  • 00:22:11
    need this is why I need it can we
  • 00:22:13
    collaborate on when and how this is
  • 00:22:15
    going to work that's when you both win
  • 00:22:18
    oh this is a good one Chris uh this
  • 00:22:20
    comes from Josh hey Mel and Chris my
  • 00:22:22
    wife and I don't always see eye to eye
  • 00:22:24
    when it comes to parenting decisions how
  • 00:22:26
    do you two handle disagreements when it
  • 00:22:28
    comes to raising your kids do you ever
  • 00:22:31
    butt
  • 00:22:33
    heads on how to handle certain
  • 00:22:35
    situations I'm laughing Josh because if
  • 00:22:37
    there's one thing we fight about more
  • 00:22:39
    than anything else what is
  • 00:22:41
    it our kids no why are you asking that
  • 00:22:45
    that that's the only thing I fight with
  • 00:22:47
    you
  • 00:22:48
    about yeah I suppose right about where
  • 00:22:51
    they are how close they are or far they
  • 00:22:53
    are and how to approach situations how
  • 00:22:57
    to solve problems to support and when to
  • 00:23:01
    let them
  • 00:23:02
    struggle and I have anxiety that's
  • 00:23:06
    easily triggered so if there's a problem
  • 00:23:10
    and one of our kids calls I'm a yes
  • 00:23:13
    person I'm a jump in and fix it person
  • 00:23:15
    because it makes me anxious when one of
  • 00:23:18
    our kids is struggling even though I
  • 00:23:20
    know that struggle is important and you
  • 00:23:23
    got to let them struggle because that's
  • 00:23:25
    how you learn but I'm quick to be like
  • 00:23:27
    okay okay okay I'll do I'll do it I'll
  • 00:23:29
    do it whereas you are way more grounded
  • 00:23:32
    and way more patient and we can give you
  • 00:23:34
    some examples this is why don't you tell
  • 00:23:36
    them what happened last night with her
  • 00:23:37
    son yeah Oakley called us and we were
  • 00:23:41
    talking
  • 00:23:42
    about right now he's a freshman and he
  • 00:23:45
    doesn't have a car in school and nor do
  • 00:23:48
    I think that he should have a car in
  • 00:23:49
    school certainly not in this first
  • 00:23:52
    year and uh I mean it's a luxury in
  • 00:23:56
    general but he says oh well you know
  • 00:23:58
    something about next semester you know
  • 00:24:00
    maybe next semester I'll have the car
  • 00:24:02
    and Mel said uh
  • 00:24:06
    great and I was walking by I wasn't even
  • 00:24:10
    barely on the phone call I just heard it
  • 00:24:12
    and thought hang on that's not great
  • 00:24:15
    that's not a good idea at
  • 00:24:18
    all um but what I have to say about that
  • 00:24:22
    question and even this thing that came
  • 00:24:24
    up with Oakley is that it occurred to me
  • 00:24:26
    that um
  • 00:24:30
    while it seems like a simple thing to
  • 00:24:34
    actually stop and reflect on why it is
  • 00:24:36
    that I'm a no and you're a yes and maybe
  • 00:24:39
    consider that an extra two or three
  • 00:24:41
    minutes of conversing about the
  • 00:24:44
    difference that we have is going to
  • 00:24:46
    reveal something larger like I'm not
  • 00:24:49
    even sure why it is that I'm a no you
  • 00:24:51
    just
  • 00:24:54
    actually gave me a fantastic idea
  • 00:24:59
    I just had a huge
  • 00:25:00
    Epiphany after 30 years of being with
  • 00:25:02
    you amen and it goes down to a deeper
  • 00:25:09
    issue which is how do you and your
  • 00:25:13
    partner solve
  • 00:25:16
    problems I am the kind of person that is
  • 00:25:18
    extraordinarily decisive because the
  • 00:25:21
    unknown feels scary to me and I create
  • 00:25:27
    certainty
  • 00:25:28
    and I solve problems by just making a
  • 00:25:32
    decision yes yes yes yes yes yes yes
  • 00:25:35
    ready fire aim correct we know you Mel
  • 00:25:38
    you though are the kind of person that
  • 00:25:41
    stops and thinks so I step the gas you
  • 00:25:45
    tap the brakes and if you call me a yes
  • 00:25:49
    and I call you a no that's where that
  • 00:25:52
    sort of House Divided thing happens and
  • 00:25:54
    our kids use this to their advantage
  • 00:25:56
    non-stop they know that crack is there
  • 00:25:58
    here's the Breakthrough I just not just
  • 00:25:59
    our kids all kids but here's the
  • 00:26:01
    Breakthrough I just had there's a tool
  • 00:26:03
    that you could use if this is you and
  • 00:26:05
    your partner and it's not yes or no it's
  • 00:26:08
    maybe that when you get asked a question
  • 00:26:12
    by one of your kids and your spouse is
  • 00:26:14
    not there or you haven't had as Chris
  • 00:26:17
    calls it your three minute discussion
  • 00:26:19
    about the deeper issue say
  • 00:26:22
    maybe say
  • 00:26:24
    maybe because
  • 00:26:26
    maybe isn't a yes or no it's a
  • 00:26:29
    recognition that I got to talk to your
  • 00:26:33
    mom or
  • 00:26:34
    dad because you're right I don't know
  • 00:26:36
    why I said yes and you don't know why
  • 00:26:38
    you said no but we get caught in this
  • 00:26:41
    and I'll give you another example there
  • 00:26:43
    was a period in our life where our two
  • 00:26:46
    of our kids had just extraordinarily
  • 00:26:49
    acute anxiety to the point where they
  • 00:26:51
    couldn't sleep in their rooms and we're
  • 00:26:53
    talking sixth
  • 00:26:54
    grade that late fourth grade sixth
  • 00:26:57
    somewhere in the sixth to Fourth gr Zone
  • 00:26:59
    and it started whenever when whenever
  • 00:27:02
    the first one grew out of it the second
  • 00:27:04
    one rolled right in by I'm telling you
  • 00:27:06
    there was for three
  • 00:27:08
    years a train of Pitter pattering feet
  • 00:27:12
    long that would come into our bedroom at
  • 00:27:15
    night and we're talking late into
  • 00:27:17
    Elementary School here they had already
  • 00:27:19
    been sleeping through the night then all
  • 00:27:21
    of a sudden anxiety hits and and you
  • 00:27:23
    know they'd come to my side of the bed
  • 00:27:24
    cuz Chris is a no and I'm a yes and I
  • 00:27:26
    would just lift up the sheets and they
  • 00:27:28
    roll right in and It ultimately got to
  • 00:27:31
    the point where Chris and I did have
  • 00:27:33
    that three-minute conversation how do we
  • 00:27:34
    want to handle this what are we going to
  • 00:27:36
    do and neither one of us wanted
  • 00:27:38
    to actually do what we should have done
  • 00:27:41
    which is March them back upstairs every
  • 00:27:43
    single night sit with them until they go
  • 00:27:45
    to sleep and then go back down so we
  • 00:27:47
    just ended up making a bed on the floor
  • 00:27:49
    of our room and if they came
  • 00:27:52
    down that was our rule you can't get in
  • 00:27:54
    bed with us but you can sleep right
  • 00:27:56
    there and that is not parent advice that
  • 00:27:58
    I would recommend I would recommend
  • 00:28:00
    listening to a parenting expert but we
  • 00:28:03
    got on the same page because we had the
  • 00:28:06
    deeper conversation and we looked at the
  • 00:28:09
    options and we made a decision we
  • 00:28:11
    weren't willing to interrupt our sleep
  • 00:28:14
    at that period in our lives to do
  • 00:28:18
    the parenting that was necessary to walk
  • 00:28:21
    them back up and force them to tolerate
  • 00:28:25
    the discomfort and learn how to fall
  • 00:28:27
    back asleep again again Lauren hey Mel
  • 00:28:30
    and Chris you guys have been together
  • 00:28:31
    for a long time how do you both manage
  • 00:28:33
    to keep your individuality and personal
  • 00:28:35
    interest alive while being in such a
  • 00:28:37
    close marriage I sometimes feel like I'm
  • 00:28:40
    losing myself in my marriage you want to
  • 00:28:42
    take that or you want me to no let me
  • 00:28:44
    hear what you have to say to that I
  • 00:28:46
    don't think this is a marriage problem I
  • 00:28:47
    think it's a you problem there is no
  • 00:28:50
    reason why you should lose your identity
  • 00:28:52
    to your marriage in fact the single best
  • 00:28:56
    way to grow your marriage is to
  • 00:28:58
    yourself and if you feel like you're
  • 00:29:01
    losing yourself in your marriage that is
  • 00:29:04
    a massive wakeup call that your purpose
  • 00:29:09
    for the next six months needs to be
  • 00:29:11
    bettering
  • 00:29:13
    yourself whatever it takes to either
  • 00:29:15
    improve your health or improve your
  • 00:29:18
    happiness or improve your sleep or carve
  • 00:29:22
    out time to be creative again to learn
  • 00:29:26
    something new again
  • 00:29:28
    that's not your marriage's issue it's
  • 00:29:31
    yours and your marriage will get way
  • 00:29:35
    better when you start to focus on
  • 00:29:39
    becoming a better version of yourself
  • 00:29:41
    anything you'd add yeah just that I mean
  • 00:29:44
    it it's an
  • 00:29:46
    excellent point and question when I
  • 00:29:49
    think about even a lot of the men that I
  • 00:29:53
    have spent time with who can you give
  • 00:29:56
    everybody a little EX what what do you
  • 00:29:58
    mean men you've spent time with I I host
  • 00:30:02
    a men's retreat called Soul degree
  • 00:30:06
    where couple times a year 12 of us
  • 00:30:09
    Circle up in a remote location and spend
  • 00:30:14
    5 days together uh diving into the
  • 00:30:16
    things that matter and often one of
  • 00:30:19
    those
  • 00:30:20
    conversations revolves
  • 00:30:22
    around uh our own needs and identifying
  • 00:30:26
    our needs and even to the point where
  • 00:30:30
    there are men who haven't taken the time
  • 00:30:33
    to even identify what might be let's say
  • 00:30:36
    a hobby that actually fuels them and so
  • 00:30:41
    this concept of keeping your
  • 00:30:44
    individuality and your personal
  • 00:30:46
    interests alive and looking after you is
  • 00:30:51
    not always so intuitive for people to be
  • 00:30:54
    able to actually zoom out and say okay
  • 00:30:58
    yeah this even if they're not thinking
  • 00:31:00
    about how do I remain individual in my
  • 00:31:03
    relationship it's the zoom out and sort
  • 00:31:06
    of seeing or taking the time to
  • 00:31:08
    determine these are things that I need
  • 00:31:11
    for myself which will naturally Foster
  • 00:31:15
    that that sense of chasing your own
  • 00:31:18
    interest well what ends up happening if
  • 00:31:20
    you don't do what Chris is telling you
  • 00:31:21
    to do which is maybe you've never even
  • 00:31:25
    asked yourself what do I need what am I
  • 00:31:28
    interested in what are some things that
  • 00:31:30
    I want to do with my life because this
  • 00:31:32
    may be a news flash to you but you were
  • 00:31:34
    not put on this planet to just be
  • 00:31:36
    somebody's
  • 00:31:37
    spouse and if you don't have a purpose
  • 00:31:42
    for yourself you will resent your
  • 00:31:45
    marriage because you'll blame your
  • 00:31:47
    marriage for the fact that you don't
  • 00:31:49
    have a purpose that is individual and if
  • 00:31:52
    you don't know what that purpose is I
  • 00:31:53
    will tell you what it is it's making
  • 00:31:56
    yourself your purpose improving yourself
  • 00:31:59
    investing in yourself uh forming better
  • 00:32:02
    habits taking a class spending time with
  • 00:32:04
    your friends if you make bettering
  • 00:32:06
    yourself your sole purpose for the next
  • 00:32:09
    six months it will improve your marriage
  • 00:32:11
    because you'll stop looking at your
  • 00:32:12
    marriage as the solution to your
  • 00:32:15
    unhappiness and you'll see that you are
  • 00:32:18
    always the source of your happiness that
  • 00:32:22
    you are the solution to any problem that
  • 00:32:24
    you face and when you get
  • 00:32:28
    happier and when you grow you then bring
  • 00:32:30
    all that back into the
  • 00:32:34
    marriage the guys out there are like oh
  • 00:32:36
    okay so now I should just go play 72
  • 00:32:38
    holes of
  • 00:32:40
    golf yeah within reason you got to you
  • 00:32:42
    got within reason I was think you but
  • 00:32:44
    but but here here's the difference that
  • 00:32:46
    doesn't mean pack up your golf bags and
  • 00:32:48
    drive away for the weekend it means
  • 00:32:50
    sitting down with your partner and going
  • 00:32:52
    I've realized something I've really lost
  • 00:32:54
    myself in my role as my SP as a spouse
  • 00:32:57
    and as a parent Ken and I in the next 6
  • 00:33:01
    months am going to do some work to try
  • 00:33:03
    to improve myself and focus a little bit
  • 00:33:05
    on my health and my happiness and I want
  • 00:33:07
    to do that because I want our
  • 00:33:09
    relationship to get better and one thing
  • 00:33:12
    that I've really missed is being able to
  • 00:33:15
    play golf on the weekends with my
  • 00:33:17
    friends I'm lonely it would it be okay
  • 00:33:20
    if I if I take off Saturday and I'm gone
  • 00:33:23
    all day and I go your spouse would be
  • 00:33:25
    like oh my God please because you're
  • 00:33:27
    driving me crazy and you're sad and I
  • 00:33:29
    would love to see you happy again but
  • 00:33:31
    there's that
  • 00:33:33
    consideration of once you understand
  • 00:33:35
    your needs
  • 00:33:36
    communicate communicate all right here's
  • 00:33:39
    a great question from Anna hey M and
  • 00:33:42
    Chris I feel like unmet expectations of
  • 00:33:45
    my relationship often lead to resentment
  • 00:33:48
    which is hard to shake how do you guys
  • 00:33:50
    handle disappointments or unmet
  • 00:33:53
    expectations with each other without
  • 00:33:55
    letting them build into something bigger
  • 00:33:58
    oh I love this question unmet
  • 00:34:00
    expectations they rise in all
  • 00:34:03
    forms it could be feeling like the
  • 00:34:06
    amount of effort that you're both
  • 00:34:07
    putting in isn't equal it might be
  • 00:34:12
    expectations about money and how much
  • 00:34:15
    you're contributing financially or
  • 00:34:17
    whether or not you're ambitious and
  • 00:34:20
    going after it or going after that
  • 00:34:22
    bigger job it might be something like uh
  • 00:34:25
    that we've struggled with which is the
  • 00:34:27
    kind of Disconnect on birthdays and
  • 00:34:31
    celebrating and
  • 00:34:33
    holidays and for
  • 00:34:36
    me at
  • 00:34:39
    the source of every moment where I've
  • 00:34:42
    either been disappointed in you or I've
  • 00:34:45
    had unmet
  • 00:34:47
    expectations that left me feeling either
  • 00:34:49
    angry or
  • 00:34:51
    disappointed the truth is there was a
  • 00:34:54
    utter lack of communication on my part
  • 00:34:58
    about what I wanted and
  • 00:35:01
    why it's not that you disappointed me
  • 00:35:05
    it's that I disappointed and let myself
  • 00:35:08
    down because I didn't identify and ask
  • 00:35:11
    for what I needed nobody can meet your
  • 00:35:13
    expectations if they don't know what
  • 00:35:15
    they are and that's not your partner's
  • 00:35:18
    responsibility to mind read it's yours
  • 00:35:20
    to open your mouth and actually
  • 00:35:22
    communicate clearly what you need and
  • 00:35:25
    why you need it
  • 00:35:28
    if you do that and then your partner
  • 00:35:31
    doesn't do it now you can be
  • 00:35:34
    disappointed yeah but I remember a time
  • 00:35:37
    when I
  • 00:35:38
    didn't I didn't meet your birthday
  • 00:35:42
    expectations which was actually throwing
  • 00:35:44
    a party exactly that's what it's
  • 00:35:46
    precisely party but you didn't
  • 00:35:49
    communicate that so there we go because
  • 00:35:53
    I'm like what kind of a doesn't
  • 00:35:54
    know that you want a party on your
  • 00:35:55
    birthday well and I'm just I'm saying
  • 00:35:57
    that to illustrate a point which is that
  • 00:36:00
    often there is a the missed opportunity
  • 00:36:04
    to communicate that or just to your
  • 00:36:06
    point not even thinking well I don't
  • 00:36:07
    need to tell them that of course I want
  • 00:36:09
    a party and I want to make sure there's
  • 00:36:10
    a 100 people there and a massive cake
  • 00:36:12
    and balloons and confetti and the rest
  • 00:36:15
    of it
  • 00:36:18
    but uh your point is well taken which is
  • 00:36:21
    communicate what you need or want and I
  • 00:36:24
    want to be responsible that when I
  • 00:36:26
    quipped what kind of doesn't know
  • 00:36:28
    that that was me 10 years ago that's
  • 00:36:31
    what unmet expectations and resentment
  • 00:36:33
    sounds like that's what will kill your
  • 00:36:36
    relationship Death By A Thousand Cuts
  • 00:36:39
    what is he what is she out to
  • 00:36:41
    lunch that sort of energy and
  • 00:36:45
    tone is what
  • 00:36:47
    fuels these just cracks in otherwise
  • 00:36:52
    solid
  • 00:36:53
    foundation and you're
  • 00:36:55
    right that wasn't on you it was on me
  • 00:36:58
    cuz I had never even explained that this
  • 00:37:01
    mattered to me I just sat there silently
  • 00:37:05
    and was mad at you that you didn't just
  • 00:37:08
    know and that's a really important thing
  • 00:37:12
    to take away from this question in
  • 00:37:14
    particular which is don't ever assume
  • 00:37:16
    that your partner
  • 00:37:17
    knows instead take responsibility for
  • 00:37:20
    making sure they do know what you need
  • 00:37:22
    and why you need it which makes them way
  • 00:37:26
    more empowered to be able to rise up and
  • 00:37:30
    act like the partner that you really
  • 00:37:32
    want and need in life like the more that
  • 00:37:34
    I've told you what I need you're like oh
  • 00:37:36
    that's easy this is a heck of a lot
  • 00:37:38
    easier if you just give me a list than
  • 00:37:40
    sitting there resenting me wishing I had
  • 00:37:42
    somehow known
  • 00:37:44
    this yeah and I think when it when it
  • 00:37:46
    deals with things that you and I need as
  • 00:37:49
    individuals that's one thing but this
  • 00:37:51
    conversation also makes me think about
  • 00:37:53
    how complex this can be when it comes to
  • 00:37:56
    the the the question about parenting
  • 00:37:58
    issues and how do you resolve that and
  • 00:38:01
    because those are expectations that you
  • 00:38:03
    would have otherwise never talked about
  • 00:38:06
    before or assumed I remember when once I
  • 00:38:10
    the first time that a kid of ours could
  • 00:38:13
    get his herself home in My Mind by like
  • 00:38:18
    a tax oh we'll just send a taxi to the
  • 00:38:20
    airport or what have you you
  • 00:38:22
    were you nearly died you were like are
  • 00:38:25
    you out of your mind no no no we're
  • 00:38:27
    driving to the airport we're going to go
  • 00:38:29
    pick that person up that's how we do it
  • 00:38:32
    and again that was didn't even occur to
  • 00:38:36
    me because I always had you know my
  • 00:38:38
    parents were sending taxis for me to the
  • 00:38:40
    airport so but this I've got a lot to
  • 00:38:43
    say about that by the way not only to
  • 00:38:46
    your parents but also uh to your
  • 00:38:49
    therapist but this is a this is a really
  • 00:38:51
    important Nuance so one of our kids was
  • 00:38:52
    flying home from college and Chris was
  • 00:38:54
    like oh we'll just send an Uber I'm like
  • 00:38:57
    what planet do you live on send an Uber
  • 00:39:01
    to get your kid when they're
  • 00:39:05
    what but I'm talking about dealing with
  • 00:39:08
    that expectation real time which is
  • 00:39:10
    often the way in which these things get
  • 00:39:12
    flushed out and it did in that
  • 00:39:14
    conversation and here's the bigger thing
  • 00:39:18
    my lived experience was where a pick you
  • 00:39:21
    up at the curb airport family in fact if
  • 00:39:23
    we can get good parking we'll come
  • 00:39:24
    inside and wait for you that is a show
  • 00:39:27
    of love you lived in London and outside
  • 00:39:31
    of New York City for most of your life
  • 00:39:33
    and your dad was always traveling and so
  • 00:39:36
    taxis were kind of a way of life and you
  • 00:39:39
    were simply making a decision out of
  • 00:39:42
    your lived experience it's what you knew
  • 00:39:45
    and by the way same with me and a lot of
  • 00:39:48
    times that's also where this disconnect
  • 00:39:51
    and expectations come from that I just
  • 00:39:54
    expect you to do things the way that
  • 00:39:56
    I've always done them and you do the
  • 00:39:58
    same and this is the greatest
  • 00:40:00
    opportunity you get to co-create your
  • 00:40:02
    relationship the whole point of the
  • 00:40:04
    relationship is not to turn each other
  • 00:40:06
    into each other it's not to jam your
  • 00:40:09
    expectations or way of doing things down
  • 00:40:11
    someone else's throat it's to come
  • 00:40:13
    together and to learn from each other
  • 00:40:15
    and to take the time to understand where
  • 00:40:17
    the other person is coming from and then
  • 00:40:20
    figure out
  • 00:40:22
    together what you're going to do from
  • 00:40:24
    there and what I've learned from this
  • 00:40:26
    conversation is I'm I'm going to start
  • 00:40:28
    saying maybe a whole lot more when our
  • 00:40:31
    kids are asking us about anything
  • 00:40:34
    anything else you want to add
  • 00:40:36
    H just that I love you and I love your
  • 00:40:40
    comment about co-creating because you
  • 00:40:43
    could you can fall in and out of that
  • 00:40:47
    process of feeling like hey we can
  • 00:40:49
    create this however we
  • 00:40:51
    want there's something very inspiring
  • 00:40:53
    and freeing about knowing that every day
  • 00:40:56
    you get up whether it's a parenting
  • 00:40:57
    issue or what you and I are dealing with
  • 00:41:00
    and can start over I also think that the
  • 00:41:04
    um cool thing about stopping and
  • 00:41:07
    understanding what's underneath it it
  • 00:41:10
    allows you to
  • 00:41:12
    understand what to give more weight
  • 00:41:15
    to like if the deeper reason is really
  • 00:41:18
    deep for you then I'm going to always
  • 00:41:20
    defer to
  • 00:41:22
    you and you do that with me and you know
  • 00:41:25
    there's one other thing that I want to
  • 00:41:26
    share and it's this I recently heard
  • 00:41:28
    somebody
  • 00:41:29
    say that second marriages are amazing
  • 00:41:34
    especially when they're with the same
  • 00:41:36
    person and I love that
  • 00:41:40
    because
  • 00:41:42
    every day that you wake up you have an
  • 00:41:44
    opportunity to create a second marriage
  • 00:41:46
    with the same person and that's the
  • 00:41:48
    power of understanding that your
  • 00:41:50
    marriage is this organic thing that
  • 00:41:52
    grows over time as you both grow and
  • 00:41:55
    there's always something that you can
  • 00:41:56
    learn
  • 00:41:57
    in any crisis any question any decision
  • 00:42:01
    if you're willing to not lean away from
  • 00:42:03
    each other but to lean into each
  • 00:42:07
    other I love you Chris Robbins I love
  • 00:42:10
    you too and I love these questions if
  • 00:42:13
    you have other questions that you want
  • 00:42:15
    Chris and I to answer or any other
  • 00:42:18
    topics you want us to cover just go to
  • 00:42:20
    melrobbins.com podcast and you'll see a
  • 00:42:22
    form there thank you thank you thank you
  • 00:42:25
    for uh asking such important and
  • 00:42:31
    really I think profound and relevant
  • 00:42:35
    questions that we're all kind of
  • 00:42:36
    grappling with thank you for being here
  • 00:42:38
    together with us and I want to make sure
  • 00:42:40
    in case no one else tells you this to
  • 00:42:42
    tell you that I love you and I believe
  • 00:42:44
    in you and I believe in your ability to
  • 00:42:46
    create a better life and there's no
  • 00:42:47
    doubt in my mind that when
  • 00:42:49
    you
  • 00:42:52
    both figure out what you need and you
  • 00:42:55
    really work on making yourself happy and
  • 00:42:58
    a better version of yourself and you
  • 00:42:59
    bring that back into your
  • 00:43:01
    relationships those relationships are
  • 00:43:03
    just going to get better and better and
  • 00:43:05
    better and
  • 00:43:06
    better and one thing that would make it
  • 00:43:08
    better share this
  • 00:43:10
    episode with your partner and listen
  • 00:43:12
    together because I think it's going to
  • 00:43:14
    spark a lot of things to talk about and
  • 00:43:17
    when that happens it always brings you
  • 00:43:20
    together all righty I'll be waiting for
  • 00:43:22
    you in the very next episode and thank
  • 00:43:25
    you for being here with with us on
  • 00:43:28
    YouTube thank you for watching all the
  • 00:43:29
    way to the end I just love love love
  • 00:43:31
    spending time together with you thank
  • 00:43:33
    you for submitting questions um the
  • 00:43:35
    questions were awesome and I want to be
  • 00:43:37
    doing more and more and more QA and live
  • 00:43:40
    coaching and stuff here on YouTube so
  • 00:43:42
    keep them coming because that's coming
  • 00:43:43
    in the future and I know you're thinking
  • 00:43:46
    well what can I watch next first I got
  • 00:43:47
    to ask you could you hit subscribe it's
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    the only way I know that you truly value
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    the videos that my team and I are
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    putting out it supports us and Contin to
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    do that I know you're the kind of person
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    who loves supporting people who support
  • 00:44:00
    you so thank you in advance for hitting
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    subscribe all righty next video you're
  • 00:44:06
    going to want to check out this one
Tags
  • relationship advice
  • personal growth
  • communication
  • marriage
  • parenting
  • self-improvement
  • boundaries
  • expectations
  • compatibility
  • disagreements