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hi
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everyone it's dr romini so let me ask
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you this do you think a narcissistic
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personality can change
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let's take that on in this video and
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this is part of a
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that's a different a series we're doing
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on debunking myths about narcissism
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so let's take this myth on can
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narcissism change can a narcissistic
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personality shift and change
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because that's the myth a lot of people
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out there say oh of course it can change
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all personalities can change this myth
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is an oldie right it's a classic
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it's the reason that most people get
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stuck in these messes
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in the first place the myth
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is that narcissism can change the myth
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is that narcissism can completely turn
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around and we can set
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people free from it maybe maybe if we
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love the person enough
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or address their core wounds or figure
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out how to
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best talk to them or maybe things will
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start working out for them and then
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their personality will shift
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they're just grumpy because life's not
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going the way they want
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let's start with the idea
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let's talk about what change really is
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right because there's change
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and then there's change i don't know if
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i move my car
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two feet forward in the driveway i
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suppose i've moved it
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but it doesn't really change anything
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does it
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another car won't fit behind it and most
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people wouldn't notice
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that it moved two feet but literally
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speaking it moved two feet
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that's a change right
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and that right there is one of the
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issues that causes a lot a bit
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a lot of debate what does change
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really mean and how much change is
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enough
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to be meaningful this is
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where the researchers and the therapists
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and the people experiencing narcissistic
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abuse
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will never be on the same page
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when we do research on change
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things that may show up as sort of being
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i guess they change
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statistically in a meaningful way they
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have
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little meaning in real life for example
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a person's score i don't know on some
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kind of emotional regulation test or
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test on insight or test on narcissism
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i suppose maybe that could shift a
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little but the people around them aren't
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noticing any meaningful change they're
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still gaslighting
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you know they're still manipulative
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they're just still
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out there causing problems there's still
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rage all of those things
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maybe there's a few maybe there's fewer
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episodes
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the narcissistic person may catch it
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earlier
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they may even apologize but it still
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happens is that change
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that's a subjective question therapists
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in general do not like the idea of
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talking about people
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not changing maybe it's a bad business
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model right it's like saying
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hey i'm a mechanic and there are some
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cars out there i can't fix
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you don't want to say that it feels kind
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of bleak and hopeless
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many therapists take umbrage
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at this idea that narcissism is a pretty
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unchangeable
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kind of a personality style and they
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still work with people saying oh maybe
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we could figure out a way to get you
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there
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and then there are those who are
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experiencing narcissistic abuse
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who desperately want change to be
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possible
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so they can maintain the relationship
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but they've tried for years they've
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tried everything
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they've gotten nowhere and what happens
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with most survivors of narcissistic
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abuse
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is that they believe there's something
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wrong with them themselves because
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everyone can change right
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and if they're not changing they think
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i'm not worth changing for
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but maybe they change for someone else i
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have a unique perch on this because i've
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worked with a lot of narcissistic
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clients in therapy
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and listen i'm the first one to maybe i
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am a shift therapist and that's why
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people aren't changing but
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let's just say i'm a decent therapist
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right so if i even gave myself a little
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benefit of the doubt
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i have to say in working with
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narcissistic clients we don't make much
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progress
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and i see why that is it comes down to
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people who are narcissistic having zero
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tolerance for stress
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or frustration or disappointment or
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criticism
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i will see that just from one week to
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the next
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a narcissistic person can go from
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well-regulated
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to rageful and vindictive and when i
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point out the difference to them
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in one week what happened you you
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changed so much
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they'll start to rage at me and if
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they're raging at me
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i can't imagine the rage they must be
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manifesting
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to those close to them and usually the
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only thing reason their rage was worse
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the second week
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was because a stressor came along there
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are people out there who claim to have
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the solution to it all
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i don't see it i don't even think an
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intensive
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inpatient therapy would do it because
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then
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the narcissistic person would still
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ultimately have to
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leave that intensive inpatient setting
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and be out in the world with all of its
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stresses
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and shame and disappointment
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there are no magic spells
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no magical trauma therapies
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no magic mushrooms or other potions or
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lotions
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that make narcissism going go away
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pushing back from an antagonistic
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personality style such as narcissism
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for a person to do that means making a
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lifelong commitment
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to being mindfully aware of other people
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and coming from a place of empathy or
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compassion
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because that's the rub people who are
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narcissistic
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actually know what societally
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preferred behavior looks like and
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sometimes in their contempt
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they will label things like respect and
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compassion as
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weak or foolish or lame or whatever
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words they can use to diminish empathy
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and compassion and respect but the
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dysregulation
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the impulsivity and the oppositionality
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of narcissism
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coupled with the lack of self-reflective
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capacity
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means that when things are going
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beautifully
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in an or the way a person a narcissistic
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person wants
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then they're actually able to play at
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the empathy
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and kindness game they're able to look
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regulated and even
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play the i'm interested in you game but
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when a narcissistic person is
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experiencing
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any sense of threat or things in life
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aren't going the way they want
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they can become very reactive and
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they're not able to inhibit
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their often cruel responses it's for
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this reason
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that when people suspect that they are
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narcissistic themselves and ask me
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what they can do to change i tell them
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ah it's really all mindfulness all the
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time
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that they always need to think about
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every word they say
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and how it could affect someone else no
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matter how upset the narcissistic
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person is feeling let's face it that's a
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tall order for any of us
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but it's all but impossible for somebody
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who's narcissistic who'll often think
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well that's ridiculous
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i can't do that i have read
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many many case reports over the year a
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published art these are published
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articles about
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one or two people for example who might
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have narcissistic personality disorder
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and the article will go on to talk about
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how the how they were treated
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and the changes that these people were
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able to make
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in most of these cases these were people
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who had access to highly trained
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therapists
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they had once or twice weekly sessions
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for at least
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18 months or longer
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this ain't happening not in america and
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since narcissistic people
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are about 60 percent more likely to drop
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out of therapy
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even with all of that therapy in place
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the first time the therapist goes hard
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and attempts to make them keep it real
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they aren't likely to come back in so
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there goes that
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chance to change and anybody who can
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have that much therapy anyhow has a lot
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of money
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has it happened have people improved i'm
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sure i'm sure these cases have been
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there
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and significant change like this is a
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unicorn
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it's definitely not something someone
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can plan around
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and the fact is the published articles
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are about the successes
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i recognize that narcissism has lots of
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what we call ideologies or origins early
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life trauma
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abuse loss attachment issues
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emotionally unavailable parents
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intergenerational patterns
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spoiled kids kids who are valued too
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much for their abilities or
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their appearance than for their inner
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worlds
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attachment issues you name it and while
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some people
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with those difficult backstories
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may develop narcissistic personalities
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most
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will not the lack of self-reflective
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capacity
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and the tendency to blame other people
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means that people who are narcissistic
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will never recognize their contribution
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to an interpersonal situation or any
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situation in life
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and will quickly blame others so they
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can avoid the shame
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personality is tough it's a bit
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of a psychological fingerprint and while
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there can be
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a little movement in some personality
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styles
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some styles antagonistic personality
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styles like narcissism
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are very rigid and they are not
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amenable to change life is not
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beauty and the beast where love saves a
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raging beast
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and turns him into a sweetheart it's not
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all those
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feel good movies in which love and
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inspiration
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turn someone hard-hearted into a big
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sweetheart
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it just doesn't work that way i wish it
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did
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i really did we would save so many
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broken hearts
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so many broken families and so many
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broken dreams
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and frankly save the narcissists
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from their broken spirits too but alas
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this is not a pattern that's easily
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amenable to change
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i really do applaud people out there
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with narcissistic personality styles who
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say
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i want to do the work i say to you by
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all means
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do the work it's an uphill slog but it's
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worth doing
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for those of you in relationships with
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narcissistic people
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doing the work is their responsibility
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you can't help them with this
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no more than you could do a kid's
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homework and think they're going to
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learn
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this is these are their miles to walk
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and listen i'd love to be out of a job
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i'd love if people could do the work and
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push back on this
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but by and large the people who do make
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the commitment are very rare
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and most of you experiencing
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narcissistic abuse
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are not likely to experience significant
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change
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in the narcissistic people who populate
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your life
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i hope that gives i hope that debunks
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that myth a little bit more clearly
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thanks again
