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this episode is presented to you in the
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form of an audio book every problem you
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face in life has one simple cause you
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care too much about what others think of
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you this concern for others opinions is
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the root of your unhappiness today we're
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diving into the book the courage to be
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disliked co-written by Japanese
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philosopher and psychologist Ichiro
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kishimi and author fumitaka Koga for
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both internal worry is always linked to
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the outside world they explain there is
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no such thing as worry that is
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completely defined by the individual
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so-called internal worry does not exist
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whatever the worry that may arise the
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shadows of other people are always
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present kashimi and Koga argue that all
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of life's problems can be easily solved
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and that life only seems complex because
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we make it so according to them the only
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thing you need to find happiness is the
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courage to be disliked they explain that
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one must not fear being disliked freedom
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is being disliked liked by others it's
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not that you lack confidence you simply
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lack courage they also explain that the
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courage to be happy also includes the
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courage to be disliked when you have
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gained that courage Your interpersonal
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relationships will all at once change
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into things of lightness in this episode
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we'll explore the key teachings from the
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book including the psychology of
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unhappiness why seeking external
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approval is a dead end and the author's
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advice on how to live a truly happy life
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kashimi and koga's worldview is based on
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the belief that everyone no matter their
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past has the potential to be happy the
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main difference between happy and
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unhappy people is their willingness to
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change the book draws on the theories of
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psychologist Alfred Adler Adler believed
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that the self is a unified whole our
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body mind emotions and both conscious
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and unconscious thoughts all work
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together toward a common goal according
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to Adler everything we think do or feel
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is directed toward achieving that goal
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even if we're not fully aware of it in
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Adler's view goals don't just affect our
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happiness they shape who we are this
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perspective suggests that the goals we
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set Drive our sense of self kashimi and
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Koga expand on this they explain that
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Adler doesn't focus on fixed personality
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traits but looks at people through the
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lens of their lifestyle for Adler your
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habits emotions and thoughts
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make up a lifestyle you chose at some
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point and continue to choose because you
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believe it's the best way to reach a
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goal for example kishimi and Koga would
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argue that there's no such thing as a
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truly antisocial person instead they see
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antisocial Behavior as a choice a way of
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pursuing certain goals kashimi and Koga
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take this idea further by suggesting
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that the goals we set not only influence
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our actions but also shape our emotions
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first you decide what you want and then
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you create the emotions that will help
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you achieve it for example imagine
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someone wants a job but becomes so
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anxious about the interview that they
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can't prepare or even attend they think
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that if their anxiety went away they'd
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have a better chance at getting the job
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however kashimi and Koga would argue
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that the person's true goal is to avoid
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the interview so they create the emotion
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of fear the person doesn't really want
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the job their true goal is to Simply
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avoid the risk of failing the interview
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and fear helps them to that kashimi and
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Koga also address the argument that past
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trauma can stop people from finding
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happiness they counter by saying that
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not everyone who experiences trauma is
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stuck in it for example while negative
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childhood experiences May influence your
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goals they would argue that it's still
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up to you to decide what goals to pursue
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and how to live to achieve them in the
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the book they write that no experience
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is in itself a cause of our success or
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failure we do not suffer from the shock
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of our experiences the so-called trauma
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but instead we make out of them whatever
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suits our purposes we are not determined
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by our experiences but the meaning we
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give them is
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self-determining they also explain that
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no matter what has occurred in your life
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up to this point it should have no
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bearing at all on how you live from now
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on that you living in the here and now
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are the one who determines your own life
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so if happiness is within our control
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why would anyone choose unhappiness
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kishimi and Koga argue that unhappiness
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is actually a strategy some people use
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to reach their goals as we've explained
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the authors believe that the goals we
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set influence our emotions they argue
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that occasional unhappiness is normal
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because everyone feels disappointed or
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frustrated at times however those who
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are always unhappy are often driven by
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one constant frustrating goal and this
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frustrating goal is related to their
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relationships with others this is an
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important point because kishimi and Koga
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suggest that your overall happiness
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depends on the goals you set for your
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relationships in other words what are
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you trying to achieve in your
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connections with others the answer to
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that question shapes how happy you are
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so your emotions and sense of self are
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shaped by the goals you set and the goal
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that most affects your overall happiness
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is the one you set for your
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relationships with others kashimi and
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Koga explain that there are two main
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goals when interacting with others
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seeking their approval or aiming to make
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a positive impact in their lives kashimi
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and Koga argue that unhappy people often
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make gaining approval from others their
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main goal unhappy people believe that
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true happiness comes from being seen as
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good by others whether this approval
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comes from a teacher parent or Society
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it always leads to the same result
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unhappiness essentially unhappy people
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believe that being liked by others makes
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them a good person many would argue that
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the desire for approval and seeking
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validation is a natural part of Being
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Human however kashimi and Koga explain
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that this is a mistaken view they
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explain that humans don't seek approval
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to find happiness we find happiness in
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approval because it satisfies a deeper
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need within us so why is it that people
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seek recognition from others for kashimi
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and Koga in many cases it is due to the
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influence of reward and Punishment
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education kashimi and Koga point out
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that even when unhappy people manage to
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gain the approval of others it comes
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with a heavy price in their pursuit of
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validation they end up living according
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to someone else's expectations in doing
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so they end up sacrificing their freedom
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and ultimately their happiness in the
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process they explain to live one's life
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trying to gauge other people's feelings
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and being worried about they look at you
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to live in such a way that others wishes
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are granted there may indeed be
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signposts to guide you this way but it
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is a very unfree way to live now why are
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you choosing such an unfree way to live
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you are using the term desire for
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recognition but what you are really
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saying is that you don't want to be
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disliked by anyone unless one is
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unconcerned by other people's judgments
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has no fear of being disliked by other
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people and pays the cost that one might
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never be recognized one will never be
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able to follow through in one's own way
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of living that is to say one will not be
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able to be free being praised
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essentially means that one is receiving
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judgment from another person as good and
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the measure of what is good or bad about
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that act is that person's yard stick if
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receiving praise is what one is after
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one will have no choice but to adapt to
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that person's yard stick and put the
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breaks on one's own Freedom so we've
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established how seeking approval from
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others is ultimately fulfilling but this
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isn't the worst result of making it your
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main goal kashimi and Koga argue that
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the real problem is that this goal is
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often impossible to achieve most of the
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time approval depends on meeting others
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expectations this means that whether or
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not people approve of you is out of your
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control and sometimes no matter what you
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do you will not be able to make someone
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like you kashimi and Koga explain that
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when earning approval becomes impossible
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unhappy people often react by setting a
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new goal instead of continuing to chase
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something impossible they choose to stop
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trying altogether they give up on trying
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to gain others approval in doing so they
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create negative emotions like fear and
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self-hatred to justify their decision
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not to try however as kashimi and Koga
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explain these people are still letting
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their lives be controlled by the
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unattainable goal of approval by giving
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up they don't truly let go of this
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desire they only make their emotional
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attachment to it stronger this deepens
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their unhappiness as they continue to
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feel the pain of failing to reach
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something they've basically given up on
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the second goal they adopt is convincing
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themselves that something about them is
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flawed which makes it impossible for
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others to like them by holding on to
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this limiting belief unhappy people
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avoid the risk of not gaining approval
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from others because they can simply
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justify it by saying they are flawed or
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that something is wrong about them
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however this keeps them trapped in a
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hopeless miserable life as they now
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believe they don't have the power to
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change whatever they think is flawed
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additionally kashimi and Koga explained
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that the need for external approval
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doesn't just impact unhappy people's
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self-esteem it also prevents them from
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forming healthy relationships the main
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reason for this is because unhappy
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people often view Life as a competition
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they see others as rivals
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in other words if someone else succeeds
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it means they have failed this happens
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because approval is often conditional it
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depends on actions some people may like
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you for being funny others for being
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generous and some for your career
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achievements these are tough standards
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to meet and no one can do them all
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perfectly so naturally someone else may
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earn approval better than you when
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others succeed they raise the
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expectations making it harder for you to
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gain the same approval kishimi and Koga
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explain that seeking external approval
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is a zero sum game the more someone else
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succeeds the worse you appear by
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comparison in other words pursuing
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approval from others turns life into a
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competition with winners and losers this
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leads unhappy people to fear the success
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of others and it may even cause them to
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celebrate their failures rather than
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offering them support and this behavior
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is what prevents them from forming
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healthy relationships kashimi and Koga
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explain that once one is released from
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the scheme of competition the need to
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triumph over someone disappears the
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second reason why seeking approval harms
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relationships is because unhappy people
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believe relationships are founded on
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sacrifice an unhappy person's need for
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approval can also damage their
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relationships by making them feel
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entitled kashimi and Koga argue that
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because unhappy people spend their lives
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trying to meet others expectations they
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become resentful when others especially
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those close to them don't meet their
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expectations in return the authors
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explain that an unhappy person feels
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wronged when they do something nice for
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someone and don't receive the Gratitude
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or appreciation they expected for
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example imagine someone throws a
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surprise birthday party for a friend
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only to be offended when the friend
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doesn't do the same for them in this
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case the person organizing the party is
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really just using the friend to get
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something in return if the friend feels
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pressured to reciprocate but doesn't
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want to then that's when resentment
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begins now that we've covered how
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seeking external approval can negatively
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impact your life and relationships let's
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examine the alternative and look at
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kashimi and koga's advice for living a
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happier life kashimi and Koga suggest
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that instead of seeking approval happy
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people focus on helping others they find
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true joy in contributing to the
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well-being of those around them for them
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happiness comes from genuinely believing
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that they are useful to someone kashimi
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and Koga argue that as long as happy
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people believe they are helping others
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they don't worry about what others think
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of them they argue that you must decide
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for yourself what being useful means
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once you figure out what's truly
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meaningful for your life anything else
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will feel like a waste of time even if
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you meet others expectations but don't
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feel useful then you won't find
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happiness they explain that if one
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really has a feeling of contribution one
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will no longer have any need for
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recognition from others because one will
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already have the real awareness that I
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am of use to someone without needing to
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go out of one's way to be acknowledged
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by others in other words a person who is
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obsessed with the desire for recognition
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does not have any Community feeling yet
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and has not managed to engage in
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self-acceptance confidence in others or
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contribution to others for happy people
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helping others isn't isn't a selfless
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sacrifice it's something they do mainly
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for their own benefit while this might
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sound selfish kashimi and Koga argue
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that it's perfectly fine if your purpose
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in life is to make yourself happy since
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helping others brings them fulfillment
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happy people are able to serve without
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expecting anything in return
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additionally according to the authors
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the desire to help because it makes you
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happy is a much stronger motivator than
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doing so simply because it's the right
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thing to do that is because pursuing
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self-sacrifice to be seen as a good
00:14:02
person is just another form of seeking
00:14:05
approval kashimi and Koga also argue
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that anyone can find happiness by
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realizing that just by existing they
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bring joy to others humans naturally
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care about each other and simply being
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around others can be fulfilling without
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needing to do anything extraordinary
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building on this idea happy people
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believe that all humans have value even
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if they haven't done anything good with
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their lives because of this belief they
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can accept themselves fully even if
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they've made mistakes or aren't as well
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adjusted as others they understand that
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their presence is valuable to those
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around them this makes them feel good
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about themselves despite their
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imperfections while kashimi and Koga
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acknowledge that some people do more
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good than others they point out that
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unlike unhappy people who may see the
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success of others as a threat happy
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people celebrate it since happy people
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believe believe that everyone can make
00:15:00
others happy just by being there they
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see no need to view Life as a
00:15:05
competition the success of others cannot
00:15:07
diminish their own worth as human beings
00:15:10
finally happy people focus on the
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present moment enjoying life as it comes
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kashimi and Koga believe that we all
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have the ability to choose happiness at
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any given moment kashimi and Koga
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explain that many people think they need
00:15:25
to achieve something big to be happy but
00:15:28
that's not true
00:15:29
anyone can find happiness by simply
00:15:32
recognizing the positive impact they
00:15:34
have on others they clarify that this
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doesn't mean you should stop working
00:15:38
toward future goals instead you should
00:15:40
find meaning and joy in the journey
00:15:43
toward those goals that way if your life
00:15:46
ended suddenly you wouldn't feel like it
00:15:48
was wasted the key takeaway from this
00:15:50
book is that no matter what you do it's
00:15:53
inevitable that some people won't like
00:15:55
you therefore the only way to find
00:15:57
lasting happiness is to accept this
00:16:00
reality and have the courage to live a
00:16:02
life you believe is good regardless of
00:16:05
other people's opinions this is why it's
00:16:07
crucial to let go of the need for
00:16:09
approval and develop the courage to be
00:16:11
disliked
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