00:00:00
in those environments if someone's not
00:00:02
if you feel like your manager or your
00:00:04
your boss or your or the CEO or even
00:00:07
like a colleague isn't showing you
00:00:11
respect and I I I've read your story so
00:00:13
I know that this happened multiple times
00:00:14
in your life where there' be someone
00:00:15
around you that wasn't showing you the
00:00:17
respect you deserve um and I have a lot
00:00:19
of people that come up to me and they
00:00:20
say I'm struggling because my boss is
00:00:22
not showing me respect or my colleague
00:00:24
this colleague isn't listening to me or
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all these kinds of things
00:00:30
where where does your mind default to
00:00:32
when I say that like where do you go to
00:00:33
in your mind what is your like action a
00:00:36
so with the last one you just said my my
00:00:38
colleagues don't listen to me I would
00:00:40
come back and I would say give me an
00:00:42
example of where they don't listen to
00:00:43
you right so I would say to you when you
00:00:45
do speak do you look at people when you
00:00:48
speak do you project your voice so it's
00:00:51
called paralinguistics everyone's so
00:00:53
focused on what they say like reading my
00:00:55
notes or reading my agenda they don't
00:00:56
think about the tone pitch of the voice
00:00:59
how Are you delivering this are you
00:01:00
projecting your voice or do you do you
00:01:02
talk like this when you speak I have a
00:01:05
question I just want to share
00:01:06
something people going to like glaze
00:01:09
over I have a question or or even just
00:01:13
the tone how you end hi am heav hi
00:01:17
mie feels different MH those are simple
00:01:21
things you can do to make sure people
00:01:23
hear you the other thing
00:01:25
is I say this a lot when I speak to
00:01:28
companies cuz communication a big thing
00:01:30
don't just talk to talk there's this
00:01:32
thing out there and especially with
00:01:34
women where it's like make sure they
00:01:36
hear you make sure your voice is heard
00:01:39
at the table I'm fine with that do you
00:01:41
have something beneficial to say or
00:01:43
value to say because if you don't don't
00:01:46
say anything half the meetings I go to I
00:01:48
don't speak because I maybe I have
00:01:51
nothing to say it's so interesting I am
00:01:54
from being in many boardrooms for many
00:01:56
many years probably 15 years being in
00:01:57
marketing boardrooms not 15 years about
00:01:59
10 years being in marketing boardrooms
00:02:00
with CEOs with my team with lots of
00:02:03
different people lots of different teams
00:02:04
I've had thousands and thousands of
00:02:06
meetings I eventually observe something
00:02:08
in myself which is a bit of a Prejudice
00:02:10
that I have which is the minute someone
00:02:14
speaks based on their contribution score
00:02:18
which is like a credit score based on
00:02:19
all of the contributions you made in the
00:02:21
past in those first couple of seconds if
00:02:24
their previous contributions were all
00:02:26
valuable everyone in the room would stop
00:02:28
and look and lean in but if they if they
00:02:31
developed a low contribution score
00:02:32
because they' continually talked for the
00:02:34
sake of talking i. they're just like
00:02:36
I'll give you an example um in my New
00:02:38
York office back in the day there was
00:02:40
this one one guy who we'd be in a
00:02:45
brainstorm trying to solve a problem and
00:02:47
he would start speaking and you you
00:02:50
you'd see by the way he started speaking
00:02:51
that had hadn't actually thought through
00:02:53
what he was going to say and he'd go
00:02:54
what about um if we put a I don't know
00:03:00
like a popup and uh like maybe you'll do
00:03:04
some Tik toks uh and so honestly what I
00:03:08
then observed from that individual is
00:03:10
every time they open their mouth people
00:03:13
would instantly basically like dismiss
00:03:14
the idea because they had such a low
00:03:16
contribution score and like we all have
00:03:19
a contribution score you have one I have
00:03:22
one based on the last 10 years of when
00:03:24
we've opened our mouth how valuable it
00:03:26
was to the people around us like that
00:03:27
individual whenever he spoke
00:03:30
I would see the person sat next to him
00:03:31
who I won't name almost like loky roll
00:03:33
their eyes in the first five seconds and
00:03:36
shut it down before he'd even got it out
00:03:38
and then there was this other guy called
00:03:40
in my UK office called Paul never spoke
00:03:42
like never really said anything super
00:03:44
mature super experienced guy the minute
00:03:46
he said anything because every time he
00:03:48
opened his mouth it was important and
00:03:49
valuable and considered everyone went he
00:03:51
could interrupt anyone the instant
00:03:53
silence everyone stares over at this guy
00:03:56
because when he contributed we all knew
00:03:58
that he had something valuable to add
00:04:01
and I so I would say to my team I said
00:04:02
this to this team that we're here with
00:04:03
us in New York like just make sure you
00:04:05
project your contribution score that is
00:04:07
that's such a brilliant way to say it
00:04:09
yes you're prob yes it's like it's your
00:04:12
score because people keep tabs on you
00:04:14
yeah they know Stephen's going to say
00:04:16
something he doesn't always speak but if
00:04:18
he's going to say something every time
00:04:19
he drops something he drops something of
00:04:21
value where people think like I have to
00:04:24
talk because everyone tells me I have to
00:04:26
talk make my voice heard no shut up and
00:04:29
if you're silent then you're not of
00:04:30
value that's what people think they
00:04:31
think you didn't add anything right well
00:04:33
you didn't take anything away either yes
00:04:35
I will tell you this too Stephen when I
00:04:37
go to meetings or sometimes I go to
00:04:38
meetings and if I'm the dumbest person
00:04:39
in the room I'm the happiest person MH
00:04:43
that's the one time where I'm happy
00:04:44
because I'm thinking wow look at all
00:04:46
these smart people around me and I get
00:04:48
to be part of this I get to listen I
00:04:50
love to sit back and listen there's
00:04:52
times I just had a meeting with like my
00:04:54
scripted agent Sylvie with my manager
00:04:57
about some TV project and I knew enough
00:05:00
to know to say I they're like hey eie
00:05:02
this and this and I said you know what
00:05:03
this is space I don't know I'm going to
00:05:06
follow your lead fill me in I'm taking a
00:05:08
seat back you guys do the talking what
00:05:10
about when someone compromises your
00:05:12
boundaries or disrespects you how do you
00:05:13
react to that because I think I have a
00:05:15
lot of um leaders around me in my
00:05:17
various businesses and I see sometimes
00:05:19
that some leaders struggle with
00:05:21
confrontation they struggle with you
00:05:23
know team member might disrespect them
00:05:25
in some way or might disregard might not
00:05:28
deliver work to the right standard
00:05:30
and they might struggle with like
00:05:32
pulling that person in knowing how to do
00:05:34
that and how to address that situation
00:05:36
and the avoidance of that conflict
00:05:38
obviously just causes a bigger future
00:05:39
problem because you're setting a new
00:05:42
you're setting a new boundary right
00:05:43
you've let
00:05:44
someone jeopardize or um cross a line
00:05:48
and if you don't I'm assuming that if in
00:05:50
the moment you don't address that
00:05:51
they're going to cross it again in the
00:05:52
future this is really about like
00:05:54
conflict resolution interpersonal
00:05:56
conflict resolution and when you've been
00:05:57
disrespected how do you deal with that
00:06:00
so the first I'm going to do is I'm
00:06:01
going to flip it back what have you done
00:06:03
to let people think that they can do
00:06:05
that to you that's the first thing I'm
00:06:07
going to say what standards have you
00:06:09
created or what things have you set up
00:06:11
to let people think I don't have to
00:06:13
deliver on time I can't be disrespectful
00:06:15
I can't show up late for work that's the
00:06:17
first thing I'm going to say so I would
00:06:18
Hazard a guess that I did I in the past
00:06:21
set a standard for this right in some
00:06:24
way that I showed up in the past that's
00:06:26
the first thing I'm going to do what is
00:06:27
there something I have done to create an
00:06:30
environment where a person thinks that
00:06:32
it is okay to do these things that's
00:06:34
first why do you go to I because I'm the
00:06:38
one who sets the tone for I I I I just
00:06:41
interviewed a chief of station former
00:06:42
Chief of station John franie he's former
00:06:45
CIA and he managed a lot of people and a
00:06:49
very strong a lot of strong
00:06:50
personalities because you got officers
00:06:51
and all these different people and he
00:06:53
said to me you know what I learned he
00:06:55
said it is easier to be more have
00:06:59
Bounder and be a little bit more sturdy
00:07:01
and more authoritative in the beginning
00:07:03
and then pull back then to be
00:07:05
everybody's friend and then try to put
00:07:07
those boundaries in place the lad
00:07:09
doesn't work he's like you do the first
00:07:11
you let people know what you expect of
00:07:13
them and then you can pull back a little
00:07:15
bit but you always have to tow that line
00:07:17
so that's what I'm going to say first
00:07:18
and he's right what tone have I set in
00:07:21
the environment that I'm working that
00:07:22
people think it's okay to do these
00:07:24
things that's one now let's say
00:07:26
sometimes I have an outlier I have a
00:07:27
person who does these things as soon as
00:07:30
it happens you have to address
00:07:32
it what people do is they don't address
00:07:35
things they let it go it's small and
00:07:37
then it happens again it's small then
00:07:40
again and then we become resentful we
00:07:41
become pissed why does this person keep
00:07:43
doing it why don't they self-correct
00:07:46
again it goes back to me why haven't I
00:07:48
addressed it people are afraid of
00:07:51
conflict conflict can be done in a great
00:07:54
way you have to think of conflict as
00:07:57
think of it as like I'm competing I'm I
00:07:59
can speak to you not raise my voice not
00:08:01
make it ugly and debate something with
00:08:03
you in the in the white house next to
00:08:06
the Oval Office was the cabinet room the
00:08:09
cabinet room is where the president
00:08:10
would sit with all his heads you know
00:08:12
Secretary of Treasury Secretary of
00:08:13
Homeland Security and they would discuss
00:08:15
and debate policies laws and they would
00:08:19
compete one person would say I don't
00:08:21
like this idea this is why another
00:08:23
person would say well this idea doesn't
00:08:25
work this is why you have to be
00:08:28
comfortable in doing that most people
00:08:30
are not they don't understand that you
00:08:31
can sit somebody down and say Hey you
00:08:33
know this happened can you tell me about
00:08:35
that I had someone who worked for me and
00:08:38
she had made a mistake on something and
00:08:40
so it was a pretty big mistake so I I
00:08:43
called her up and I said hey you know
00:08:45
what this and this happened you know
00:08:47
talk me through it and I let her explain
00:08:49
and you know she said you know I'm sorry
00:08:52
this and that uh there's a reason why
00:08:54
but the one thing I did is said because
00:08:56
I wanted to rectify it CU I didn't want
00:08:58
it to happen again I was like is there
00:08:59
anything I can do to help make your job
00:09:02
better so you can be more successful at
00:09:04
what you
00:09:05
do because I want to hear is there
00:09:08
something I'm doing or not doing that's
00:09:11
impacting her decision- making or the
00:09:13
way she sees things so it's a twofold
00:09:16
but you also to when it comes to respect
00:09:18
and this is a whole separate thing you
00:09:20
brought up with the respect part just
00:09:23
make sure people are truly disrespecting
00:09:26
you and that's not your ego that feels
00:09:28
disrespected cuz sometimes people can't
00:09:30
take somebody pushing back and if my
00:09:32
goal is to make a great product or
00:09:35
business deal or transaction then
00:09:37
everything we do should be in
00:09:39
furtherance of
00:09:40
that but what happens is Stephen people
00:09:44
are so afraid of hurting other people's
00:09:45
feelings or stepping on other people's
00:09:47
toes nobody says something and that's
00:09:50
worse if you love the dver CEO brand and
00:09:52
you watch this Channel please do me a
00:09:54
huge favor become part of the 15% of the
00:09:58
viewers on this channel that I've hit
00:09:59
the Subscribe button it helps us
00:10:01
tremendously and the bigger the channel
00:10:02
gets the bigger the guests
