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at 21 years old after being raised
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independent fundamental baptist
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dedicating my life to christ graduating
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from an evangelical christian university
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and getting a job at a christian
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homeless shelter
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i found myself no longer able to believe
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that christianity was true the faith was
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everything to me my source of purpose
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the foundation of morality the basis of
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my view of cosmology my answer to
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existential anxiety and the common
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ground in every single relationship i
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had without sufficient reason to believe
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christianity was true though
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i had to leave all of that behind that
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was about five and a half years ago now
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and while the life where i upheld the
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faith feels more distant and alien than
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ever it's only recently become clear to
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me how much christian programming still
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influences my inner world
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i suppose that a few years ago i thought
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that disavowing christianity and leaving
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its communities was nearly all that was
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necessary to de-christianize one's mind
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deconversion was most of the picture i
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thought the journey was largely behind
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me the destination had been reached
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i cannot and do not think that way
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anymore though this is why the term
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deconstruction now appeals to me more
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than deconversion
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realistically leaving behind one's world
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view especially one that was
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meticulously programmed into you
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throughout your formative years
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just
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it doesn't happen in one fell swoop it's
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a process one that takes constant
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emotional labor tedious introspection
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and diligent self-care
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for me deconstruction better describes
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the process by which i've increased my
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independence from the faith while also
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indicating that this process is still
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ongoing
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i know that many of you out there can
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relate so in hopes of encouraging others
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to speak openly about their ongoing
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deconstruction i'd like to share a few
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things i'm still deconstructing over
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five years into this journey
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naturally not all of the ideas i'll
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share here are fully formed so just keep
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that in mind as we continue
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my world view as the exclusive path to
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moral behavior
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there are absolutely not multiple paths
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to god i was taught the road to god's
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kingdom to truth to morality is narrow
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if you want to do what's right there's
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only one way
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period
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when i left christianity and began
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rebuilding my understanding of morality
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i held on to this notion in a way
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i regularly saw well-intentioned people
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harm others as a result of their
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factually incorrect beliefs in forming
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unwittingly harmful behavior
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this led me to conclude that the key to
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promoting well-being was the propagation
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of ideology which championed empiricism
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and naturalism as necessary to informed
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moral decision making
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if everyone was a critical thinker
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atheist and naturalist like me i thought
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the world would be in much better order
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today i still think that poorly informed
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beliefs do regularly inform harmful
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actions countless deaths have resulted
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from widespread ignorance of
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epidemiology in the last two years for
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instance
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considering my naturalistic worldview
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and those who uphold it to be
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necessarily less prone to the adoption
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of false beliefs though
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i've realized is an unrealistic and
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tribal way of thinking
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now i'm well aware that there is a body
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of data which suggests that atheists and
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naturalists tend to value critical
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thinking a bit more than most
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populations while also being more
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scientifically and religiously literate
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on average than most
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still though that fact is not reason
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enough to conclude that atheism and
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naturalism exclusively lead to
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well-informed moral behavior
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can it be harmful to believe things that
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aren't true
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yes
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if something is not true is believing
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that thing harmful
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well i used to answer yes because a
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false belief has the potential to
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wrongly inform moral behavior
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but i've since realized if i'm claiming
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that certain beliefs are harmful i need
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to demonstrate that on a case-by-case
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basis beliefs which are true after all
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also have the potential to inform moral
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behavior in a harmful way
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if you need an example of that as a
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fellow atheist or naturalist just look
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at any atheist public figure who uses
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their rejection of superstition and
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fundamentalist christian myths to lord
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their intellectual superiority over and
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constantly berate religious people who
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call into their experience of a live
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show
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this abusive behavior can even be
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wrongly excused in atheist spaces
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because those in them rightly believe
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that atheists tend to value critical
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thought a little more than most
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being right excuses the abuse of might
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some atheists seem to think on top of
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all of that there are religious people
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of diverse backgrounds and persuasions
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who can and do exhibit well-informed
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moral behavior such that i have no
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reason to dissuade them of their
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religious ideas even if i think they're
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factually wrong
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there can even be massive social and
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political advantages to working with
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religiously diverse people for the sake
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of achieving common goals many pagans
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and progressive abrahamics have proved
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useful allies in advocating for
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tolerance and human rights
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why not work with them
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my world view is not some kind of key to
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morality and i now see that thinking
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that it was
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probably stemmed from my former
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evangelical christianity
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asceticism as a necessity for long-term
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happiness
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asceticism is the practice of the denial
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of physical or psychological desires in
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order to attain a spiritual ideal or
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goal
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while those with a conservative
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protestant upbringing like myself may
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not have been taught this term many of
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us were instructed in its practice your
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purpose in life is to commune with god
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and glorify him so you need to avoid
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distractions from that don't get
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intoxicated in any way don't go to loud
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parties don't spend more time on
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entertainment than study and prayer
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don't use psychedelics and don't engage
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with your sexual desires except in
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extremely specific instances
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basically don't do anything which could
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provoke a state of ecstasy except maybe
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christian ritual or worship having been
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a fundamental baptist i was instructed
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and expected to live a fairly ascetic
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lifestyle even though almost no one
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involved in my upbringing even knew what
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the term ascetic means the rolling
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stones song satisfaction was used as an
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example in countless sermons if you give
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into the desires of the flesh and
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partake of the pleasures of this world
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you'll only end up like the song's
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protagonist in search of satisfaction
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that will never ever come i was a pretty
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good and consistent ascetic
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even when i left christianity i didn't
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change my lifestyle at all god was no
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longer a part of my rationale but i
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still practice strict self-discipline
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for the sake of attaining to some higher
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state of being one where i believed i'd
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experience greater peace and contentment
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i still had an idea that intense
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pleasure would not only distract me from
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important things but would corrupt me in
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destroying my ability to find happiness
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and contentment without intense pleasure
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so my asceticism became a practical
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route to long-term fulfillment and
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somewhat paradoxically to happiness a
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few years went by without much change
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there but eventually i had a few
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experiences which broke from my
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aesthetic habits
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strangely i actually came away from
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those experiences with a sense of
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fulfillment that improved my overall
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sense of well-being even after they were
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over they didn't prevent me from feeling
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fulfilled or content in everyday life at
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all
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rather quickly i began to see that some
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of my views on ecstatic or even just
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pleasurable experiences were driven by
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fear
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fear which my fundamentalist community
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programmed into me to keep me from
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exploring anything outside of its realm
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of control
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since then i've explored more things
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which are off limits to a good aesthetic
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and i've come away from that with a
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better understanding of who i am and
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what contributes to my sense of
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well-being
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moderation is hugely important as
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constantly chasing ecstasy can be quite
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unhealthy but asceticism driven by fear
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can be unhealthy as well
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these days i'm still pretty low-key most
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of the time most of my time is spent
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studying or skating and i'm definitely
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not a partier
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what i am is informed by experience and
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careful thought capable of making
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healthy choices for good reasons rather
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than overly cautious choices out of fear
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ironically the discipline and maturity
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which asceticism is supposed to deliver
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i only gained after defying my aesthetic
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practice and coming to understand
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pleasure and moderation
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in my own terms
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emotional ties to the in-group
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protecting narratives of christianity
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i just realized i forgot about carl so
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i'm gonna set him up now
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okay
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religious communities especially
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conservative or insular religious
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communities often strongly believe in
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and propagate narratives about outsiders
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especially apostates i've spoken about
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this before on my channel and the video
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i released just prior to this one even
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discusses the cognitive biases which
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drive these narratives one of these
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narratives which influenced me as a
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teenager was christian kids go to a
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secular college learn new things and let
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that turn them away from god or make
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them think they're just too smart to
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believe in god
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this narrative motivated me as an 18
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year old to attend an evangelical
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university so i wouldn't fulfill that
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narrative
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when i graduated and deconstructed my
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faith shortly thereafter i didn't think
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i would fulfill that narrative in my
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christian community's thinking since i
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went to an evangelical school
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but i was wrong they still saw my
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experience as perfectly in line with
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that narrative
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to this day nothing i could possibly say
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would inform their thinking about me
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more than that narrative from their
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tribe fast forward to the last couple of
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years where i've broken from some of my
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ascetic christian approved habits i've
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learned from the spinning of the
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previous narrative that there's not much
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use in trying to inform my former
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community which includes my loved ones
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of the nuances of my thinking and
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behavior in order to counter their
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narratives
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so if and when i'm considering doing
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something they'd consider sinful even if
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it's a significant life event for me
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i decidedly do not share that with them
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at all
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still though i find myself worrying that
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if they found out another evangelical
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narrative would be invoked he left god
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because he wants to sin just look at the
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way he lives now on the other hand
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though if they knew that narrative of
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theirs was giving me stress they'd have
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another narrative to spend
00:10:42
he knows in his heart that what he's
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thinking of doing is a sin he knows
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god's law is written on his heart this
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is what's so frustrating about these
00:10:52
narratives i'm damned if i do and damned
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if i don't
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these narratives are created to
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facilitate in-group cohesion and confirm
00:10:59
christian bias completely regardless of
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what happens
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it doesn't matter what i do because
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these narratives are not tied to reality
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they don't actually explain anything
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they are pieces of social technology
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which serve to construct a reality that
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makes remaining christian more
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comfortable
00:11:18
after all how much easier is it to think
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look at that i've been right all along
00:11:23
about everything that happens than to
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investigate things humbly always
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recognizing that you could be wrong
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obviously i've been processing all this
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for a while but it still is pretty raw
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i understand that it's not my fault if
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these narratives are spun about me so i
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might as well do what i want religious
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indoctrination never makes it easy
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though recently i've been considering
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going back to school for religious
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studies i already spend a good deal of
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my time studying religion for my own
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enjoyment so why not just get some
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credit while i'm at it
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well
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because i know narratives would be spun
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about that too he's the prodigal son
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he's still interested in religion
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because god isn't done with him yet he's
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going to learn something through all
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that study which brings him back to god
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just you wait i know from experience
00:12:13
that there's really nothing i can do to
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subvert that narrative and that
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decisions about my life should be my own
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i'd be lying though if i said that
00:12:22
narrative doesn't discourage me from
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pursuing that degree
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i'm working on it and i think that
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sharing the struggle of mine with people
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who may relate is part of that
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hopefully one day how i feel about those
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narratives will be more in line with
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what i know about those narratives now
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i'm fortunate enough to have a support
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system of ex-evangelical friends to help
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me deal with everything i just talked
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about here
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not everyone is so lucky though so i
00:12:50
decided to share all of this on my
00:12:52
channel to help those of you going
00:12:54
through similar things in your
00:12:55
deconstruction see that you're not alone
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and you're not crazy
00:13:00
i always have resources linked in my
00:13:02
description for apostate seeking
00:13:04
community and mental health support like
00:13:05
i always say but i want to draw a bit of
00:13:08
extra attention to those resources with
00:13:10
this video
00:13:11
if you need to talk to someone about
00:13:13
religious trauma there is a link in the
00:13:15
description for the recovering from
00:13:16
religion foundation if you need to find
00:13:19
a secular counselor one who won't spin
00:13:21
religious narratives there is a link to
00:13:23
the secular therapy project
00:13:25
there are a couple of other resources
00:13:27
linked there too but i'll leave you with
00:13:28
this
00:13:30
wherever you are in your deconstruction
00:13:32
it is okay to seek support
00:13:35
put in the effort to find the help you
00:13:38
need to stay healthy
00:13:40
and you might be able to pay it forward
00:13:42
in the future
00:13:43
thanks for watching i've been drew of
00:13:45
genetically modified skeptic a special
00:13:46
thanks to my patrons for their constant
00:13:48
love and support even as i've been mia
00:13:51
for a little while if you want to hear
00:13:53
more from me subscribe and follow me on
00:13:55
social media at the handles below
00:13:57
remember to be kind to others in the
00:13:59
comments and until next time stay
00:14:01
skeptical
