I’ve been living like an animal for 13 years. So here’s why

00:35:53
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nWqIhkiJk9A

Ringkasan

TLDRIn this video, the speaker shares an in-depth personal journey, reflecting on why they live an unconventional lifestyle. They detail a life of challenges, starting from high school where a sense of disconnect from societal norms began to take shape. Over time, financial hardships, family responsibilities, and unique personal beliefs further drove their divergence from societal expectations. The speaker discusses upbringing in a struggling household, resulting in them taking financial responsibility at an early age, particularly caring for a sick parent. They recount various instances where their moral compass differed from the societal norm, often causing interpersonal challenges. Throughout their life, the speaker has grappled with societal expectations, consciously deciding to forge their own path uninfluenced by external judgments. Streaming became an avenue for financial stability and creative expression, despite personal and societal obstacles. At its core, the video seeks to explain the complex combination of events and beliefs that have shaped the speaker's non-traditional lifestyle, reflecting on past struggles, achievements, and the pursuit of personal contentment.

Takeaways

  • 🔍 The speaker's lifestyle raises questions about their unconventional living choices.
  • 🛤️ This non-traditional lifestyle began in high school due to a disconnect with societal norms.
  • 👪 Family struggles and responsibilities played a significant role in shaping their life.
  • 💭 A different moral perspective has made societal conformity challenging.
  • 🎮 Streaming provided financial support and a platform to share their journey.
  • 🚥 Challenges with fitting in have been a recurring theme in their life.
  • ⚖️ They embraced the disconnect as their identity, avoiding societal expectations.
  • 🛠️ Early life financial hardships taught resilience and independence.
  • ❤️ Emotional detachment from people results from past experiences of loss.
  • 🔗 Creating content became a coping method for personal struggles.

Garis waktu

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The speaker reflects on a frequently asked question about their unconventional lifestyle, which is indicative of living like an animal. They express a desire to distill their life experiences into main points without unnecessary tangents. The speaker admits that their current lifestyle is a recent development, traced back to high school and escalated around age 21-23, departing from a more conscientious childhood behavior.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    In middle school, the speaker cared about appearance and societal perception but experienced a shift in high school after changing schools, realizing they didn't want to mimic others. They aimed to develop a unique identity, despite facing failures in personal relationships. Over time, the speaker grew detached from societal expectations and focused on personal authenticity, leading to actions deemed improper by others.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    The speaker's challenges included financial struggles from a young age, exacerbated by a deteriorating family situation requiring them to support their mother. Their financial and personal trials pushed them further into a lifestyle disconnected from societal norms. Despite hardships, including a significant incident that isolated them, the speaker found escape and identity in gaming and online communities.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    Embracing a lifestyle beyond societal norms, the speaker dealt with familial burdens while neglecting personal health, leading to dental problems with a lasting impact. This period marked a definitive departure from any aspirations of normalcy, with the speaker accepting their difference from societal standards and others around them.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    As gaming and streaming offered both escape and occupation, which alleviated some financial pressures, the speaker experienced further personal loss and responsibility, including a mother's deteriorating health. Despite achieving success in online streaming, they coped with continuing familial duties and the lack of traditional personal achievements like family stability.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    The speaker faced multiple emotional challenges, including the loss of their mother and a significant romantic relationship, alongside health scares involving their father. These events contributed to a detachment from emotional investments in people, prompting a philosophical shift towards self-preservation and reduced concern about others' perceptions.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:35:53

    Ultimately, the speaker justifies their lifestyle by emphasizing personal happiness derived from not caring about societal expectations. They suggest this mindset makes them more content despite its non-conformity. Their life narrative, underscoring autonomy in life choices, demonstrates resilience amid adversity and a focus on living true to self-defined values rather than seeking societal validation.

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Peta Pikiran

Mind Map

Pertanyaan yang Sering Diajukan

  • Why do people ask why you are the way you are?

    People are curious about unusual habits and lifestyle choices, such as living in a messy environment and indifference to societal norms.

  • How did your lifestyle begin?

    It began in high school and escalated further during young adulthood, influenced by personal realizations and disconnection from societal expectations.

  • Did you always live unconventionally?

    No, this lifestyle developed over time, particularly during teenage years and early adulthood.

  • How did your family background influence your lifestyle choices?

    Financial struggles, family responsibilities, and health issues contributed to a more detached and survival-focused mentality.

  • Did you face challenges with friendships and relationships?

    Yes, the speaker often felt different from others, impacting how they related to people and formed connections.

  • What was your experience during high school?

    There were struggles with fitting in, dissatisfaction with educational settings, and eventual disinterest in conforming to societal standards.

  • How did your family's financial situation affect you?

    It necessitated early responsibility, financial independence, and dealing with challenges without external support.

  • What do you attribute to your different moral perspective?

    The speaker expresses having a moral compass that doesn't align with societal norms, leading to struggles in relationships and self-identity.

  • How did your mother's health affect your life?

    Her deteriorating health demanded significant time and resources from the speaker, heightening stress and financial burdens.

  • How has streaming impacted your life?

    Streaming offered financial support and a platform to connect with others, sharing their unconventional lifestyle and coping mechanisms.

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Teks
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Gulir Otomatis:
  • 00:00:01
    hey guys it's me and today I want to
  • 00:00:04
    answer a question that a lot of people
  • 00:00:06
    have been asking me my whole life and
  • 00:00:09
    more importantly they've been asking me
  • 00:00:11
    a lot recently especially online and
  • 00:00:14
    that question comes in many forms but it
  • 00:00:16
    all is distilled down to the same thing
  • 00:00:18
    which is in one form or another why are
  • 00:00:21
    you like this whether it's the dead rat
  • 00:00:24
    alarm clock the uh barbecue uh puke
  • 00:00:27
    shower curtain uh dead an animal in the
  • 00:00:30
    house or any other one of the stories
  • 00:00:33
    that are just an indicator of me living
  • 00:00:36
    like a complete [ __ ] animal um people
  • 00:00:38
    always wonder why would a person live
  • 00:00:41
    like this why would a person be like
  • 00:00:42
    this why am I why am I like this and I
  • 00:00:45
    think that honestly uh you know there's
  • 00:00:47
    a lot of answers for this I I really
  • 00:00:49
    really really don't want to make this
  • 00:00:51
    like a super long video so hopefully I
  • 00:00:53
    can distill it down to some main points
  • 00:00:55
    and not really go off on too many
  • 00:00:57
    tangents although I think that I
  • 00:00:58
    probably will because there's a lot of
  • 00:01:00
    like history with it and everything like
  • 00:01:01
    that and so basically the first thing
  • 00:01:03
    you need to know about me is that uh I
  • 00:01:05
    actually if you can believe this I know
  • 00:01:07
    this might sound shocking is that I
  • 00:01:09
    actually have not always been like this
  • 00:01:12
    uh this is a relatively new thing for me
  • 00:01:15
    and uh I think that it really kind of
  • 00:01:16
    started a lot when uh I would say in
  • 00:01:19
    high school and then uh later on it kind
  • 00:01:23
    of entered Phase 2 and that was probably
  • 00:01:26
    somewhere around 21 or 23 somewhere
  • 00:01:30
    around there in those age groups and
  • 00:01:32
    that's whenever you know the degeneracy
  • 00:01:34
    really kind of went uh you know it
  • 00:01:36
    ratcheted up to the next level I leveled
  • 00:01:38
    up new expansion release DLC Etc right
  • 00:01:41
    and so this happened then because as a
  • 00:01:43
    kid um I was actually very much like a
  • 00:01:46
    very conscientious a very conscientious
  • 00:01:49
    kid in the way that I uh basically
  • 00:01:51
    didn't really want to be uh perceived in
  • 00:01:53
    a negative way I wanted to be seen as a
  • 00:01:56
    good person Etc and uh I've always had a
  • 00:02:00
    big problem with uh being able to like
  • 00:02:02
    relate to other people uh because I
  • 00:02:04
    think that I'm just a little bit off
  • 00:02:06
    right I I wouldn't say that I don't have
  • 00:02:08
    a moral compass but I would say that my
  • 00:02:10
    moral compass doesn't Point North and
  • 00:02:12
    this has been a problem in a lot of
  • 00:02:15
    cases in my life whether it's with
  • 00:02:17
    relationships or friendships or anything
  • 00:02:20
    in between I've had a lot of problems
  • 00:02:23
    because of that and in the process of
  • 00:02:25
    this I've learned a lot of things about
  • 00:02:27
    myself and the main thing is that uh my
  • 00:02:30
    take and my view on moral issues is not
  • 00:02:33
    really what I would say a normal person
  • 00:02:35
    thinks and this has caused me a lot of
  • 00:02:37
    problems and especially like as a young
  • 00:02:39
    kid uh you know being able to like
  • 00:02:41
    interact and fit in with people it's a
  • 00:02:43
    weird dichotomy because the truth is I
  • 00:02:46
    actually always did have a lot of
  • 00:02:47
    friends and uh I never had problems
  • 00:02:50
    making friends but at the same time I
  • 00:02:52
    always felt like I was very different
  • 00:02:53
    from a lot of other people because of
  • 00:02:55
    the way that I felt uh I used to have uh
  • 00:02:57
    for a comparison uh just a point of
  • 00:02:59
    reference I guess guess you could say um
  • 00:03:01
    I used to have my mom read me uh all of
  • 00:03:03
    the different like sins in the Bible and
  • 00:03:06
    everything because I I understood even
  • 00:03:09
    as a little kid I'm like there's
  • 00:03:11
    something wrong with you uh you know
  • 00:03:12
    like you you better learn this so that
  • 00:03:14
    way there aren't any problems in the
  • 00:03:16
    future and so I would have her read all
  • 00:03:18
    these to me that way I would understand
  • 00:03:21
    how to behave right because it just
  • 00:03:23
    never came naturally to me things that
  • 00:03:25
    come naturally to other people uh were
  • 00:03:28
    not natural and are not natural it's not
  • 00:03:30
    like things have changed if anything
  • 00:03:31
    they've probably gotten worse uh as as
  • 00:03:34
    I've gotten older and so uh I've always
  • 00:03:36
    had a big problem uh being able to like
  • 00:03:39
    uh you know understand like where you
  • 00:03:41
    know how you should act how you should
  • 00:03:43
    treat people what you should do how you
  • 00:03:45
    should say things Etc so almost
  • 00:03:47
    everything that I do is a learned
  • 00:03:49
    performance rather than an innate social
  • 00:03:53
    uh I don't know like instinct if that
  • 00:03:55
    makes sense and uh hopefully the
  • 00:03:57
    performance is good I consider myself
  • 00:03:59
    kind of a good actor at least right but
  • 00:04:01
    of course there are going to be cracks
  • 00:04:03
    and outtakes as well and so those are
  • 00:04:06
    usually the for in the form of the
  • 00:04:07
    Twitter Clips with 100,000 likes and so
  • 00:04:11
    anyway uh as a kid I was always treated
  • 00:04:13
    this way and uh you know people people
  • 00:04:15
    thought that I was a little bit off a
  • 00:04:16
    little bit weird uh like one time like
  • 00:04:18
    for example uh there was a a kid that I
  • 00:04:21
    was like playing with baseball with him
  • 00:04:22
    and uh he was annoying me making me mad
  • 00:04:25
    and so uh I hit the ball and I hit it
  • 00:04:28
    with the explicit intention of hitting
  • 00:04:30
    him in the face with the ball and I did
  • 00:04:32
    and so I remember there's blood all over
  • 00:04:35
    the kid's face he like broke his tooth
  • 00:04:36
    and everything and everybody was
  • 00:04:38
    standing around like like what the [ __ ]
  • 00:04:40
    like what I this is like terrible and I
  • 00:04:42
    remember walking up I was this was like
  • 00:04:43
    the best day of my [ __ ] life this
  • 00:04:45
    happened and I was so happy and I could
  • 00:04:47
    see that other people were made very
  • 00:04:49
    uncomfortable around this and that's
  • 00:04:51
    whenever I started trying to like really
  • 00:04:52
    kind of mask my emotions and how I felt
  • 00:04:55
    about things because it was very evident
  • 00:04:57
    to me that I was not really normal and
  • 00:05:00
    uh this has been a again a huge problem
  • 00:05:02
    my whole life but that was pretty much
  • 00:05:04
    the first at least the time that I can
  • 00:05:06
    remember in my mind uh the first time
  • 00:05:08
    that I can remember that and see that
  • 00:05:10
    wow this is this didn't go over the way
  • 00:05:13
    that I thought it would go over because
  • 00:05:15
    I was so happy and nobody else is happy
  • 00:05:17
    and they think I'm like a bad person but
  • 00:05:19
    it's like you know from my perspective
  • 00:05:21
    that's not how I saw it and uh you know
  • 00:05:23
    from my perspective rip boo so um this
  • 00:05:26
    is a big problem and uh this happens in
  • 00:05:29
    Middle school as well I cared a lot
  • 00:05:31
    about like how I looked how I dressed
  • 00:05:32
    Etc in Middle School uh I mean really
  • 00:05:35
    who doesn't and uh you know I really
  • 00:05:37
    Tred to to you know like take myself
  • 00:05:39
    seriously and you know I tried to have a
  • 00:05:41
    good impression Etc do the right things
  • 00:05:43
    say the right things wear the right
  • 00:05:45
    things uh be the right kind of person
  • 00:05:47
    and uh going into high school I kind of
  • 00:05:49
    got uh there's a weird thing where like
  • 00:05:51
    I I ended up going to like one High
  • 00:05:53
    School uh that I didn't want to go to
  • 00:05:55
    and then I ended up going to another
  • 00:05:56
    high school after that after I told my
  • 00:05:58
    parents that if they didn't change me
  • 00:06:00
    over I would kill myself and fail every
  • 00:06:02
    single class which to be halfway I was
  • 00:06:04
    halfway uh halfway followed through with
  • 00:06:07
    that because my first semester in that
  • 00:06:09
    high school I had a GPA of a 08 it was
  • 00:06:13
    actually impressive it was hard to do I
  • 00:06:14
    had to I had to go out of my way for
  • 00:06:16
    this and so uh then I ended up getting
  • 00:06:18
    transferred over and I went to the the
  • 00:06:20
    school where my friends were and I think
  • 00:06:22
    that like the high school that I had
  • 00:06:24
    originally gone to was a much more
  • 00:06:26
    superficial much more like you know like
  • 00:06:28
    a higher class high school cuz my dad
  • 00:06:30
    wanted me to go there because you know
  • 00:06:32
    like he wanted me to go to school to get
  • 00:06:33
    an education imagine that I wanted to go
  • 00:06:35
    to school to hang out with my friends so
  • 00:06:36
    there was a bit of a disconnect there
  • 00:06:39
    and so um I go over to the other school
  • 00:06:41
    and I realize that uh I need to stop
  • 00:06:43
    caring about what people think about me
  • 00:06:45
    because I saw the people that were in
  • 00:06:46
    that other school and I realized that's
  • 00:06:48
    not the kind of person that I wanted to
  • 00:06:49
    be because they were the more extreme
  • 00:06:51
    version of the person that I was trying
  • 00:06:52
    to be and at that point I realized that
  • 00:06:55
    I didn't really want to be like other
  • 00:06:57
    people and I had to develop I guess my
  • 00:06:59
    own identity and this was at like I
  • 00:07:01
    would say 14 or 15 and that happened and
  • 00:07:04
    that continued all the way through high
  • 00:07:06
    school and you know I I was always like
  • 00:07:09
    uh you know I never really had a
  • 00:07:11
    girlfriend right in high school or
  • 00:07:13
    anything like that maybe you know I
  • 00:07:15
    talked to a girl but not not really okay
  • 00:07:17
    and so I was never really treated very
  • 00:07:19
    well by uh you know a lot of girls or
  • 00:07:21
    anything like that and uh big surprise
  • 00:07:23
    imagine that and so uh anyway uh this
  • 00:07:26
    happened and you know I I kind of got
  • 00:07:28
    used to this and it was normal so I
  • 00:07:30
    would try to improve myself and you know
  • 00:07:32
    like make myself look better and try to
  • 00:07:34
    do this and it would just be met with
  • 00:07:35
    the same outcome which was a a massive
  • 00:07:37
    failure big surprise um you know uh
  • 00:07:40
    being a level 60 Warrior isn't as
  • 00:07:43
    attractive to women as it is to other
  • 00:07:45
    16-year-old guys and so anyway uh I I
  • 00:07:48
    had this happen and uh you know I
  • 00:07:50
    eventually kind of got to the point
  • 00:07:52
    where I was more comfortable with that
  • 00:07:53
    and I stopped really caring as much
  • 00:07:55
    about what you know like people would
  • 00:07:57
    think about me and you know in general
  • 00:07:59
    just people's perception of me and uh
  • 00:08:01
    this kind of got worse as time goes on
  • 00:08:05
    and uh I think that I spent like my
  • 00:08:07
    teenage years primarily trying to
  • 00:08:09
    disconnect myself and trying to remove
  • 00:08:12
    myself from the obligation to be a
  • 00:08:14
    certain kind of person to the public and
  • 00:08:17
    uh just to society in general uh I I
  • 00:08:19
    viewed society as uh you know I I I
  • 00:08:22
    never I never chose to be here this was
  • 00:08:24
    not up for discussion I just spawned in
  • 00:08:27
    here and so it's like I have to follow
  • 00:08:28
    these rules I have to do all these
  • 00:08:30
    things I have to be this kind of a
  • 00:08:31
    person and then you know I was like 8 17
  • 00:08:34
    18 19 I asked myself well why am I doing
  • 00:08:37
    this and so I I stopped doing all that
  • 00:08:40
    stuff and uh I've done many degenerate
  • 00:08:42
    things none of which I regret none not
  • 00:08:44
    nothing at all in my life that I've ever
  • 00:08:46
    regretted at all uh but um you know I I
  • 00:08:49
    would do things that a lot of people
  • 00:08:50
    would consider to be very uh unproper uh
  • 00:08:53
    let's just say that and so um I never
  • 00:08:57
    really viewed myself I I never really
  • 00:08:58
    viewed it as like a good or a bad thing
  • 00:09:00
    I just you know simply existed and I did
  • 00:09:02
    what I would do and that was it and at
  • 00:09:05
    that point I pretty much had completely
  • 00:09:07
    disconnected myself from the perception
  • 00:09:10
    of other people and this was at the same
  • 00:09:12
    time like growing up uh my mom was I I
  • 00:09:16
    think there was maybe two years or so
  • 00:09:18
    where she made above the poverty level
  • 00:09:20
    in terms of income and so we basically
  • 00:09:22
    barely skated by most of the time and
  • 00:09:25
    primarily the reason for that honestly
  • 00:09:26
    is cu my dad uh my dad always paid child
  • 00:09:29
    support Etc at least until I was 18 and
  • 00:09:32
    um you know all that time you know she
  • 00:09:34
    was able to skate by with that and
  • 00:09:35
    pretty much survive uh after uh high
  • 00:09:39
    school was over uh then obviously like
  • 00:09:41
    that stopped and then she wasn't able to
  • 00:09:43
    support herself so I was having to
  • 00:09:45
    figure out ways to make money and try to
  • 00:09:48
    like piece together money she would
  • 00:09:49
    borrow money sometimes from my dad and
  • 00:09:51
    it was in general like a very very
  • 00:09:53
    negative situation and so we never
  • 00:09:54
    really had any money uh this was the
  • 00:09:56
    time where uh you know I was pretty much
  • 00:09:59
    uh ironically at the peak of my Degen
  • 00:10:01
    degeneracy I was probably one of the
  • 00:10:03
    highest rated uh Warriors and wow uh at
  • 00:10:06
    the time it was great but uh not
  • 00:10:07
    necessarily in real life and so at this
  • 00:10:10
    point I pretty much completely
  • 00:10:11
    disconnected myself from uh the way that
  • 00:10:14
    people saw me and I stopped caring about
  • 00:10:16
    the way that people saw me because I
  • 00:10:18
    pretty much gave up of on being like a
  • 00:10:20
    normal person I gave up on being
  • 00:10:23
    accepted by the public I gave up on
  • 00:10:24
    living a normal life or you know having
  • 00:10:26
    a family or anything like that I just
  • 00:10:28
    felt like I just was not capable of that
  • 00:10:31
    based off of my experiences that I had
  • 00:10:33
    and I I had many other ones too like I
  • 00:10:36
    stabbed somebody and a few other things
  • 00:10:38
    too I I probably wouldn't even say
  • 00:10:40
    because they would too drastically alter
  • 00:10:42
    people's perception of me uh but either
  • 00:10:45
    way uh you know a lot of these instances
  • 00:10:47
    where I kind of was like okay this is
  • 00:10:49
    this is bad maybe it's better that I'm
  • 00:10:51
    uh you know quarantined in my house and
  • 00:10:53
    so anyway uh I did this a lot and uh my
  • 00:10:56
    mom and I like it was really just kind
  • 00:10:58
    of the two of us uh my dad was there he
  • 00:11:00
    was supportive and he always has been
  • 00:11:02
    supportive but other than that uh I do
  • 00:11:04
    have family uh but none of them live in
  • 00:11:06
    the state of Texas and so uh any trouble
  • 00:11:08
    any problems anything like that it was
  • 00:11:10
    pretty much entirely on me uh to resolve
  • 00:11:12
    this issue and so take care of my mom
  • 00:11:15
    pay for things anything like that it was
  • 00:11:17
    always on me and uh her health started
  • 00:11:20
    deteriorating uh at about the same time
  • 00:11:23
    uh this is big surprise uh you smoked
  • 00:11:25
    since you're 16 you spend your entire
  • 00:11:28
    time smoking cigarettes watching
  • 00:11:30
    watching Ancient Aliens and [ __ ]
  • 00:11:32
    around on the internet playing wow and
  • 00:11:34
    you're overweight massively like she was
  • 00:11:37
    uh this isn't good for your health
  • 00:11:38
    especially when you're getting into your
  • 00:11:39
    60s which she was at that time cuz she
  • 00:11:42
    had me when she was like 39 and a half
  • 00:11:44
    or 40 or something and so at this point
  • 00:11:47
    uh you know her health was deteriorating
  • 00:11:49
    and I remember like she had like a
  • 00:11:51
    number of instances where like I would
  • 00:11:53
    uh I would like wake up and I hear her
  • 00:11:55
    like screaming because she like she
  • 00:11:56
    would like I don't I don't even really
  • 00:11:58
    know what the [ __ ] was wrong with her I
  • 00:11:59
    I don't know it was like a uh like a
  • 00:12:01
    weird thing where like she couldn't see
  • 00:12:03
    out of her eye and then she had like
  • 00:12:05
    some kind of like I think like a bleed
  • 00:12:06
    in her eye and then uh she had like I
  • 00:12:10
    think they it wasn't really a heart
  • 00:12:11
    attack there was like some sort of like
  • 00:12:13
    variation of that and I remember like
  • 00:12:15
    her like begging me not to call the
  • 00:12:17
    ambulance and this is just like and this
  • 00:12:19
    is at the same time that uh you know the
  • 00:12:22
    house is [ __ ] you know we can barely
  • 00:12:23
    pay for the house we're worried about
  • 00:12:24
    getting evicted from the house uh we
  • 00:12:26
    have no uh no AC or no we did have AC we
  • 00:12:29
    didn't have heat and so uh you know I
  • 00:12:32
    would go to sleep and like the house
  • 00:12:33
    would be so cold because I would just
  • 00:12:35
    give her to the heater and I always
  • 00:12:37
    viewed it as like you know oh I'm
  • 00:12:38
    sleeping out in Mount Everest right it's
  • 00:12:40
    like you know I'm cosplaying as Bear
  • 00:12:41
    Grills and I remember like my glass of
  • 00:12:44
    water in my uh in my room there would
  • 00:12:47
    have like ice crystals on the edge of it
  • 00:12:49
    right because of how [ __ ] cold it was
  • 00:12:51
    and so I did that really for like two
  • 00:12:53
    years and so we had like basically like
  • 00:12:54
    zero money and so uh this happened and
  • 00:12:58
    uh pretty like her health would
  • 00:13:00
    deteriorate more and more and more to
  • 00:13:02
    the point to where she couldn't drive
  • 00:13:04
    she couldn't do X she couldn't do y she
  • 00:13:05
    couldn't get a job anymore and then it
  • 00:13:07
    relied on me more and more to completely
  • 00:13:09
    support her in like pretty much all ways
  • 00:13:12
    and so and I remember she would like beg
  • 00:13:14
    like she was like on the ground like
  • 00:13:15
    crying uh begging me not to call an
  • 00:13:17
    ambulance and so this uh was very
  • 00:13:20
    upsetting for me by the way uh like I I
  • 00:13:23
    got to the point to where like at this
  • 00:13:24
    time period I would wake up like every
  • 00:13:27
    two hours or so with like uh like like a
  • 00:13:29
    weird thing where I would hear her
  • 00:13:30
    screaming my name and this went on for
  • 00:13:32
    maybe like 6 months to a year and uh and
  • 00:13:35
    also I want to say that like all of this
  • 00:13:37
    stuff and everything about it uh I don't
  • 00:13:39
    really like everybody in life has
  • 00:13:41
    problems and I hope that by sharing my
  • 00:13:43
    problems people can kind of see where
  • 00:13:45
    I'm coming from as a person I don't
  • 00:13:47
    really care about sympathy I don't care
  • 00:13:49
    about people feeling bad for me I don't
  • 00:13:50
    really give a [ __ ] it doesn't matter to
  • 00:13:52
    me uh so I I hope that nobody thinks
  • 00:13:55
    that this is coming off as any form of a
  • 00:13:57
    uh you know like sympathy play uh you
  • 00:13:59
    know I've had things bad happen in my
  • 00:14:01
    life I think that in many cases they've
  • 00:14:03
    been my fault I've deserved them uh but
  • 00:14:06
    this is just what's happened and so
  • 00:14:08
    anyway uh and and every every action and
  • 00:14:11
    every outcome in my life leading up to
  • 00:14:12
    now has led me to the position that I am
  • 00:14:14
    right now and I think that in a lot of
  • 00:14:16
    cases I'm happy with how I am and you
  • 00:14:18
    can't just go back and edit out all the
  • 00:14:20
    bad parts and expect to be in the good
  • 00:14:22
    part and so at the same time this was
  • 00:14:24
    happening like a lot of my friends were
  • 00:14:26
    obviously going through college
  • 00:14:27
    finishing College uh you know having
  • 00:14:29
    girlfriends like moving in and
  • 00:14:31
    everything and I was worried about uh
  • 00:14:33
    you know number one my mom dying number
  • 00:14:35
    two um uh my uh you know being homeless
  • 00:14:39
    and number three uh at that point uh I
  • 00:14:42
    had always assumed that I would kill
  • 00:14:43
    myself After High School like that was
  • 00:14:45
    my plan and uh you know wrath the
  • 00:14:48
    lichking came out and I just got
  • 00:14:49
    distracted I I forgot and so I uh ended
  • 00:14:53
    up not doing that and uh because of that
  • 00:14:56
    I never brushed my teeth in high school
  • 00:14:57
    never really gave a [ __ ] about it never
  • 00:14:59
    cared and this caused guess what that
  • 00:15:01
    guess what that causes uh it causes your
  • 00:15:03
    teeth to rot out and so a lot of my
  • 00:15:05
    teeth had to be uh you know I had to get
  • 00:15:06
    fillings and everything as a as a
  • 00:15:08
    teenager and uh my Dad paid for a lot of
  • 00:15:11
    it which he was very very unhappy about
  • 00:15:13
    and so these ceillings would come out
  • 00:15:15
    this is what happens with fillings or
  • 00:15:16
    anything like that and they did come out
  • 00:15:19
    and then of course my teeth deteriorated
  • 00:15:21
    naturally because I love soda I love
  • 00:15:22
    drinking soda I've got a soda right over
  • 00:15:24
    there went to McDonald's earlier today
  • 00:15:26
    really really like soda like it so much
  • 00:15:28
    that right now uh I only have five real
  • 00:15:31
    teeth left in my whole mouth and uh I
  • 00:15:33
    think you start with like 32 which is
  • 00:15:35
    kind of crazy to think and so anyway um
  • 00:15:38
    this happened and uh all my teeth were
  • 00:15:40
    starting to rot out I was not able to
  • 00:15:42
    eat with one side of my mouth I would
  • 00:15:44
    have these two thakes that would get so
  • 00:15:46
    bad that I would pass out from the pain
  • 00:15:48
    and I eventually had to go to like the
  • 00:15:50
    uh like basically uh if if you're like
  • 00:15:54
    the people that really get [ __ ] by
  • 00:15:55
    medical bills are the people that are in
  • 00:15:57
    the middle of like uh you know econom Al
  • 00:15:59
    because if you're broke like they'll do
  • 00:16:01
    [ __ ] for you for like $10 if they can
  • 00:16:03
    get anything they'll do it and so I had
  • 00:16:05
    a program like that and so they would
  • 00:16:06
    have to pull out my teeth kind of
  • 00:16:08
    regularly and uh that's how I lost I
  • 00:16:10
    have no back teeth at all that's why uh
  • 00:16:12
    if you look at my jawline uh it's very
  • 00:16:14
    different than if you look at it uh from
  • 00:16:17
    like you know high school or like by the
  • 00:16:19
    age of like 19 or 20 uh it's completely
  • 00:16:22
    changed because I've lost all of my
  • 00:16:23
    teeth and my jaw uh bone is like pretty
  • 00:16:26
    much rotted out and so which I as far as
  • 00:16:29
    I know is is unfixable at least in in
  • 00:16:31
    the way that I have this problem uh
  • 00:16:34
    there there's a separate problem that is
  • 00:16:36
    fixable I don't have that one I talked
  • 00:16:37
    to a dentist about it so it's it's
  • 00:16:39
    basically like irreversibly [ __ ] and
  • 00:16:42
    so anyway uh this happened and um it was
  • 00:16:45
    not a great time uh my teeth were
  • 00:16:47
    rotting out Etc and at that point I had
  • 00:16:50
    to completely like pretty much give up
  • 00:16:53
    the notion and give up the uh dream of
  • 00:16:56
    ever being a normal person at that point
  • 00:16:58
    I I could feel myself uh no longer being
  • 00:17:01
    uh the same as anybody else right and uh
  • 00:17:04
    I I I actually for a while I I really
  • 00:17:07
    hated it but then I got used to it and
  • 00:17:09
    then uh I that then I I embraced it and
  • 00:17:13
    I think that's that's where I am now so
  • 00:17:15
    I would say like that was from like ages
  • 00:17:17
    like I would say you know 13 uh to I
  • 00:17:21
    don't know like 21 somewhere around
  • 00:17:23
    there right uh then after that uh I
  • 00:17:26
    started uh I started doing other stuff I
  • 00:17:28
    was playing wow I was making videos I
  • 00:17:30
    was doing other random things right and
  • 00:17:33
    uh my mom's like Health pretty much
  • 00:17:35
    would always get worse and that's just
  • 00:17:36
    you know that's just the way it is when
  • 00:17:37
    you get older right and so I would have
  • 00:17:40
    to do my best to like take care of her
  • 00:17:42
    and uh worked at the IRS for a while uh
  • 00:17:44
    tried to work at Sam's Club didn't
  • 00:17:46
    really go very well uh but overall I uh
  • 00:17:49
    you know tried to go back to college I
  • 00:17:51
    do have a college degree if you can
  • 00:17:52
    imagine that but uh learned more from
  • 00:17:55
    business from W than I did from business
  • 00:17:57
    school and so so uh then I I spent that
  • 00:18:01
    time and then this was all the time like
  • 00:18:03
    you know me not knowing if she would you
  • 00:18:05
    know every day I would wake up and like
  • 00:18:06
    you know hear that voice in my mind and
  • 00:18:09
    like you know it was really really bad
  • 00:18:11
    and uh this is just something I would do
  • 00:18:13
    all the time and I try to always make
  • 00:18:16
    the best out of things I try to just you
  • 00:18:18
    know not think about it but uh you know
  • 00:18:20
    looking back on it things were very very
  • 00:18:22
    bad and so anyway uh you know fast
  • 00:18:24
    forward a little bit later and that's
  • 00:18:26
    whenever I was like going back to uh
  • 00:18:28
    going back to college
  • 00:18:29
    I um I thought that I would just you
  • 00:18:32
    know basically have a shitty job play
  • 00:18:34
    video games for my whole life and then
  • 00:18:36
    die right and then I got a shitty job
  • 00:18:39
    and I realized a shitty job is actually
  • 00:18:40
    a lot more shitty than I thought it
  • 00:18:42
    would be so then I remember it was
  • 00:18:44
    probably like one of the best things
  • 00:18:45
    that ever happened to me is that uh I I
  • 00:18:48
    took this job at Sam's Club and I hated
  • 00:18:51
    it so much it actually encouraged me to
  • 00:18:53
    make myself a better person if you can
  • 00:18:54
    imagine that and so uh I I signed up to
  • 00:18:58
    go back to University and finish another
  • 00:19:00
    degree that I was working on so I could
  • 00:19:02
    go to law school actually I wanted to be
  • 00:19:03
    a lawyer um basically because I I had a
  • 00:19:07
    friend in high school we would always
  • 00:19:09
    play Magic the Gathering and I could see
  • 00:19:11
    him he would always manipulate the rules
  • 00:19:13
    to come out ahead and win different like
  • 00:19:15
    arguments and mag the Gathering and I
  • 00:19:17
    was like hm I bet lawyers do that in
  • 00:19:19
    real life I should do that myself and so
  • 00:19:21
    that was always my motivation and uh
  • 00:19:24
    anyway I I did that and uh then you know
  • 00:19:27
    a number of other things you know random
  • 00:19:29
    things that are not you know I would say
  • 00:19:31
    like YouTube or public uh safe uh that I
  • 00:19:34
    did and um then after that I uh started
  • 00:19:38
    doing YouTube and then I started doing
  • 00:19:39
    YouTube and I I focused on that and I
  • 00:19:42
    would put videos out of the way that I
  • 00:19:44
    lived Etc and uh people would always
  • 00:19:47
    find it to be very funny or like weird
  • 00:19:49
    and everybody would like really like
  • 00:19:51
    there were a lot of people and and this
  • 00:19:52
    is true even now uh people that like
  • 00:19:54
    hate me for living the way that I do and
  • 00:19:56
    I think that really um you know people
  • 00:19:58
    look at a person like me and they see a
  • 00:20:01
    person who has a number of things in
  • 00:20:03
    their life that they wish they had but
  • 00:20:06
    I've done basically you know if you look
  • 00:20:08
    at it from like what do they tell you to
  • 00:20:10
    do when you're growing up uh you know I
  • 00:20:12
    used every single thing to do as a
  • 00:20:14
    checklist of what not to do right and so
  • 00:20:17
    uh you know I think that a lot of people
  • 00:20:18
    could be a little bit um you know
  • 00:20:20
    annoyed by that and so I I can see why
  • 00:20:23
    and Etc and and it is disgusting by the
  • 00:20:25
    way and so uh you know missing half your
  • 00:20:28
    teeth and uh you know living uh in a
  • 00:20:31
    dump uh with a dead rat alarm clock you
  • 00:20:33
    don't know if your mom's going to be
  • 00:20:35
    alive that day uh you've got no money
  • 00:20:37
    you have to support her she's never
  • 00:20:39
    going to be able to support herself uh
  • 00:20:41
    and things are just basically slowly
  • 00:20:43
    getting worse and worse and worse and uh
  • 00:20:45
    I started doing YouTube and things
  • 00:20:47
    started doing a little bit better I
  • 00:20:49
    started doing streaming things were
  • 00:20:51
    doing better then uh I went to uh get my
  • 00:20:53
    teeth fixed because if you look at my
  • 00:20:56
    old videos a lot of my old videos you'd
  • 00:20:58
    notice that I smile you know when I
  • 00:21:00
    smile I cover my mouth when I smile uh
  • 00:21:02
    the reason for that is isn't sauno where
  • 00:21:04
    I I don't like my smile yeah well I
  • 00:21:07
    don't like my smile it's not because I
  • 00:21:08
    think it's ugly it's because I didn't
  • 00:21:10
    have any any [ __ ] teeth and I didn't
  • 00:21:11
    want people to see that and so uh that's
  • 00:21:14
    why I would cover my mouth a lot
  • 00:21:15
    whenever I first started streaming and
  • 00:21:17
    so uh this happened to me uh for a long
  • 00:21:20
    time they finally I go to I go to go to
  • 00:21:23
    the dentist and they tell me it's going
  • 00:21:25
    to be like around uh $50,000 to get all
  • 00:21:27
    my teeth fixed and everything
  • 00:21:29
    taken care of um then I thought maybe
  • 00:21:32
    because it was the first time at that
  • 00:21:33
    point where I I kind of like it really
  • 00:21:35
    hit me that I had like irreversibly and
  • 00:21:38
    irreparably damaged my life in a way
  • 00:21:40
    that I couldn't just immediately like
  • 00:21:42
    undo CU like as a kid you know usually
  • 00:21:44
    you make a mistake where it's like you
  • 00:21:46
    scrape your knee and then well you put a
  • 00:21:48
    bandage on it gets better but with this
  • 00:21:50
    it never was going to get better and
  • 00:21:51
    it's only going to get worse and it
  • 00:21:53
    certainly has by the way and so anyway
  • 00:21:56
    uh I I did want to kill myself but I
  • 00:21:58
    decided instead of killing myself I'd do
  • 00:22:00
    something even worse I'd start streaming
  • 00:22:03
    and uh I started streaming because I
  • 00:22:05
    wasn't really making enough money and
  • 00:22:07
    everybody says oh well I started
  • 00:22:08
    streaming because you know I like
  • 00:22:11
    interacting with people it's because I
  • 00:22:12
    was lonely well I I started streaming
  • 00:22:15
    for money I needed some [ __ ] money
  • 00:22:18
    and so that's what I did and I was like
  • 00:22:20
    guys we've got a donation goal of $100
  • 00:22:24
    and you know if we get $100 I'm going to
  • 00:22:26
    go to Wendy's tomorrow and I would
  • 00:22:28
    always meme it up you know $1 equals one
  • 00:22:30
    donut and it's like you know I would
  • 00:22:32
    make a bunch of money and it was great
  • 00:22:33
    and and things actually did go very well
  • 00:22:35
    I I streamed every single night I was
  • 00:22:37
    very dedicated I tried to make things as
  • 00:22:39
    entertaining as possible and uh you know
  • 00:22:41
    I did what I tried to do best right and
  • 00:22:43
    um things kind of got better and they
  • 00:22:45
    improved uh this happened uh just at
  • 00:22:48
    pretty much the same time a lot of my
  • 00:22:50
    friends were kind of evolving and going
  • 00:22:51
    past you know uh you know like college
  • 00:22:55
    like they were getting careers getting
  • 00:22:57
    married having kids and like now I'm I'm
  • 00:22:58
    pretty sure I'm thinking to myself I'm
  • 00:23:01
    pretty sure every single friend that I
  • 00:23:03
    have is either married or has a kid uh
  • 00:23:06
    which is kind of crazy considering that
  • 00:23:08
    uh you know I'm I'm sitting here doing
  • 00:23:10
    doing what I'm doing but it is kind of
  • 00:23:12
    weird I'm I'm 34 now which is um
  • 00:23:15
    honestly a [ __ ] shock like I I can't
  • 00:23:18
    believe it I don't feel 34 I feel like
  • 00:23:20
    I'm still 16 but uh I look in the mirror
  • 00:23:23
    I see my hairline and I think to myself
  • 00:23:25
    oh my God wait a minute I think I'm
  • 00:23:26
    actually 34 and if I'm really not sure I
  • 00:23:29
    talk to somebody who's 16 and then I
  • 00:23:31
    realize hold up wait a minute no
  • 00:23:33
    actually I am 34 because that there's no
  • 00:23:35
    better way to realize that you're
  • 00:23:37
    actually older until you talk to
  • 00:23:38
    somebody who's actually younger at least
  • 00:23:40
    it is for me so anyway um you know my
  • 00:23:43
    stream was doing very well uh my social
  • 00:23:45
    life early I I I pretty much like
  • 00:23:47
    stopped interacting with a lot of
  • 00:23:48
    friends of mine because I focused pretty
  • 00:23:50
    much just on streaming and on making
  • 00:23:52
    this as much as possible and also I'm a
  • 00:23:54
    very introverted person in a lot of ways
  • 00:23:56
    I like being alone I don't like people
  • 00:23:58
    talk talking to me a whole lot I don't
  • 00:24:00
    like phone calls I don't like
  • 00:24:01
    interacting with people I don't like
  • 00:24:02
    going out uh if you guys might notice
  • 00:24:04
    this right if it's you know a mystery or
  • 00:24:07
    secret and so um you know big surprise
  • 00:24:10
    that's how it was and uh then you know I
  • 00:24:13
    started streaming My Stream started
  • 00:24:14
    doing better and uh there was a degree
  • 00:24:17
    of like stress that that created but and
  • 00:24:20
    and in terms of like my lifestyle and
  • 00:24:21
    everything uh living that way I never
  • 00:24:24
    really thought about it at that point I
  • 00:24:26
    never really worried too much about like
  • 00:24:28
    kind of how uh you know people would
  • 00:24:30
    perceive me I always viewed myself as
  • 00:24:33
    like you know this is just who I am this
  • 00:24:34
    is what I am that's all there is to it
  • 00:24:36
    and I never really took and I still
  • 00:24:38
    don't really take any criticism or any
  • 00:24:40
    negativity to heart I don't take it
  • 00:24:42
    personally I don't really care a whole
  • 00:24:43
    lot and so at the end of the day it
  • 00:24:46
    never really bothered me and people
  • 00:24:47
    thought it was funny and so you know I
  • 00:24:49
    had like these snack box and there were
  • 00:24:52
    like uh maggots in the snackbox and I
  • 00:24:54
    would eat this food with the the maggots
  • 00:24:57
    inside of the food it was like honey
  • 00:24:59
    buns which were really really good and
  • 00:25:01
    to be honest I didn't even really taste
  • 00:25:03
    them so it was pretty much the same
  • 00:25:04
    thing didn't even bother me and so uh
  • 00:25:07
    you know I I had like taken at that
  • 00:25:09
    point you know my teeth had like totally
  • 00:25:10
    rotten out and so I had taken pliers to
  • 00:25:13
    like break pieces of my teeth off even
  • 00:25:15
    uh you know like if I wasn't able to
  • 00:25:17
    speak during a stream cuz like a point
  • 00:25:19
    was like you know poking my tongue or
  • 00:25:21
    like uh you know playing a game or
  • 00:25:23
    something like that talking to people
  • 00:25:25
    and so I still have the players actually
  • 00:25:27
    in my in my bathroom from all the way
  • 00:25:29
    back then and uh so this had happened
  • 00:25:32
    for for quite a while and uh then I
  • 00:25:35
    guess you could say uh I I started like
  • 00:25:38
    I guess like the second phase of my life
  • 00:25:40
    of like trying to remove myself from
  • 00:25:42
    like caring about uh like uh being
  • 00:25:45
    worried about the outcome of other
  • 00:25:46
    people uh it was always very scary for
  • 00:25:49
    me to know that like you know my mom
  • 00:25:51
    would die uh one day right this was
  • 00:25:53
    extremely scary this was like the one
  • 00:25:55
    thing that I didn't want to have happen
  • 00:25:57
    and in 201 and 21 it did happen and so
  • 00:26:00
    leading up to that was incredibly
  • 00:26:03
    stressful um she pretty much did
  • 00:26:05
    everything that she possibly could I
  • 00:26:07
    love her but she did every [ __ ] thing
  • 00:26:10
    that she could to make things as
  • 00:26:12
    absolutely unpleasant as possible oh my
  • 00:26:16
    God and so yes yes yes uh it was very
  • 00:26:20
    frustrating to deal with somebody like
  • 00:26:21
    that but you know she was 70 at the time
  • 00:26:25
    and so it really really really hurt and
  • 00:26:27
    uh it it's you know like she was the
  • 00:26:30
    main person in my life that I was like
  • 00:26:32
    most connected to and like you know this
  • 00:26:35
    is the person that I had like the
  • 00:26:36
    deepest emotional connection with and to
  • 00:26:38
    just lose them and it was kind of random
  • 00:26:40
    by the way like things got worse over
  • 00:26:42
    time but it was nothing like at the the
  • 00:26:45
    very end there it just kind of went off
  • 00:26:46
    a [ __ ] cliff and so this happened and
  • 00:26:49
    then at about the same time a little bit
  • 00:26:51
    after that I uh also broke up with a
  • 00:26:55
    long-term girlfriend at the time and
  • 00:26:57
    then at the same time my dad got so
  • 00:27:00
    [ __ ] sick that we were like talking
  • 00:27:02
    about writing his will like and and he's
  • 00:27:05
    still setting all that up because he
  • 00:27:06
    doesn't know if this shit's going to
  • 00:27:07
    happen again right what's going to be
  • 00:27:09
    and he's 77 too so it's it's rough right
  • 00:27:12
    it's bad and uh he went through the
  • 00:27:14
    monia four [ __ ] times in a year and
  • 00:27:16
    so and he's still still getting around
  • 00:27:18
    you know going to the store Etc but I
  • 00:27:20
    got to help him every once in a while
  • 00:27:22
    too right and uh it is what it is and so
  • 00:27:25
    again and and you know we don't have any
  • 00:27:27
    family around here and so you know if
  • 00:27:29
    something goes wrong if something's bad
  • 00:27:31
    uh there's one person who's responsible
  • 00:27:32
    for that and that's me and so that's a
  • 00:27:35
    lot of stress it's a lot of lot of uh
  • 00:27:37
    pressure right and uh you know I had all
  • 00:27:39
    three of these things happen to me
  • 00:27:41
    within pretty much one year of each
  • 00:27:42
    other maybe two years with the thing
  • 00:27:44
    with my dad and so at that point I began
  • 00:27:47
    the second part of I think that like you
  • 00:27:49
    know my uh you know abstraction of
  • 00:27:52
    reality is that I've tried my best to
  • 00:27:55
    remove myself from caring about other
  • 00:27:57
    people as much as I can and not caring
  • 00:27:59
    about them in terms of like you know
  • 00:28:00
    being friendly of course I'm friendly
  • 00:28:02
    with people but being emotionally
  • 00:28:04
    attached to having them in my life being
  • 00:28:07
    emotionally attached to the way that
  • 00:28:09
    they feel about me and how they're doing
  • 00:28:11
    uh it's been very hard for me to
  • 00:28:13
    actually have any to sort of feelings
  • 00:28:15
    towards people when it seems like
  • 00:28:17
    everybody that was important to me is
  • 00:28:19
    [ __ ] dying and so uh this or or
  • 00:28:22
    leaving me right or or breaking up with
  • 00:28:24
    me so at a certain point you just kind
  • 00:28:26
    of get away from that and uh then after
  • 00:28:29
    that uh I you know we entered into I
  • 00:28:31
    would say the third phase which is the
  • 00:28:33
    point where I I you know lose the
  • 00:28:36
    connection with myself and I I think
  • 00:28:38
    that whenever I finally do that I think
  • 00:28:41
    that maybe one day I might be happy
  • 00:28:43
    again and what I mean by that is that I
  • 00:28:45
    always worry about like dying and you
  • 00:28:47
    know all this stuff and like how how I'm
  • 00:28:49
    you know like where where do you go what
  • 00:28:50
    happens right and it would be very very
  • 00:28:53
    stressful for me and I usually reassure
  • 00:28:55
    Myself by reminding myself that I'm just
  • 00:28:56
    a hyper intelligent monkey
  • 00:28:58
    that probably evolved too fast and I
  • 00:29:00
    think that we all are by the way it's
  • 00:29:02
    not like I'm special and uh that usually
  • 00:29:05
    is oddly reassuring but otherwise um it
  • 00:29:09
    was very stressful for me and I did
  • 00:29:11
    think that I was farther along I thought
  • 00:29:13
    I would be okay with dying until I
  • 00:29:15
    thought that I was dying and then I
  • 00:29:16
    realized that I wasn't as far along as I
  • 00:29:18
    thought I was uh recently whenever I had
  • 00:29:20
    a blood pressure reading of 194 which uh
  • 00:29:23
    is a high score so far um you know at
  • 00:29:25
    least so far and so uh things Happ been
  • 00:29:28
    improving since then by the way but
  • 00:29:30
    anyway um this has been uh you know my
  • 00:29:33
    life and uh I I I I stopped really
  • 00:29:37
    caring about anything I stopped caring
  • 00:29:40
    about what happens to me I stopped
  • 00:29:42
    caring about what happens to other
  • 00:29:44
    people I stopped caring about what
  • 00:29:45
    people think about me and I felt that
  • 00:29:48
    the more that I have the Le the the more
  • 00:29:51
    that I've cared about things the more
  • 00:29:54
    unhappy I've been as a person and uh I
  • 00:29:57
    think that this is true on like a base
  • 00:29:59
    level uh is this some sort of
  • 00:30:01
    pathological problem for me I think it
  • 00:30:04
    probably is but at the end of the day uh
  • 00:30:06
    this is the best way that I know to cope
  • 00:30:08
    with it right and so for me the way that
  • 00:30:11
    I live and everything is a manifestation
  • 00:30:14
    of that uh it's always been this way for
  • 00:30:17
    me uh my mom like growing up things were
  • 00:30:19
    pretty messy Etc but then even now
  • 00:30:22
    things are worse than they ever have
  • 00:30:24
    been in terms of like being messy but uh
  • 00:30:27
    you know never really think about it or
  • 00:30:29
    worry about it because I'm just never
  • 00:30:31
    really it it doesn't even cross my mind
  • 00:30:33
    I'm thinking about things that I want to
  • 00:30:34
    think about I'm doing things that I want
  • 00:30:36
    to do and I never think about what other
  • 00:30:39
    people think about me I don't think
  • 00:30:41
    about how it affects other people I
  • 00:30:42
    don't think about how they feel or
  • 00:30:44
    anything like that and uh it might sound
  • 00:30:46
    like a bad thing but it's made me a
  • 00:30:49
    happier and more fulfilled person uh not
  • 00:30:51
    worrying about anybody else really other
  • 00:30:54
    than myself unless I have to and um it's
  • 00:30:57
    been very like uh weird uh for me uh
  • 00:31:01
    getting older especially and uh you know
  • 00:31:04
    like having like priorities change in
  • 00:31:05
    your life and you know having different
  • 00:31:07
    things happen to you and so I wanted to
  • 00:31:09
    make this video and kind of like explain
  • 00:31:11
    like kind of how I got to be this way
  • 00:31:15
    and hopefully uh a little bit of this
  • 00:31:17
    can like explain why do I behave this
  • 00:31:19
    way why am I like this why do I have no
  • 00:31:21
    shame with things right uh it's because
  • 00:31:23
    I I've lived a life where I've tried
  • 00:31:26
    desperately to hold on to to any degree
  • 00:31:28
    of dignity that I've had and anything
  • 00:31:30
    that I've had and it's just slowly been
  • 00:31:32
    taken away from me uh whether it's
  • 00:31:35
    myself pieces of myself uh other people
  • 00:31:38
    uh or uh the way that the world sees me
  • 00:31:41
    uh I think that the more that I've kind
  • 00:31:43
    of just you know let things flow freely
  • 00:31:46
    and not care about it the more happy and
  • 00:31:49
    content that I've been and so uh it's an
  • 00:31:52
    ongoing process and uh began whenever I
  • 00:31:55
    said you know I guess I said I was like
  • 00:31:57
    13
  • 00:31:58
    and uh you know I guess the last thing
  • 00:32:01
    for me to do is really to let go of
  • 00:32:03
    myself and you know just finally be
  • 00:32:05
    content with my own existence for the
  • 00:32:07
    time that I exist and uh I'm not really
  • 00:32:10
    a religious person I'm not a spiritual
  • 00:32:11
    person either I don't believe there's
  • 00:32:13
    any light at the end of the tunnel I
  • 00:32:15
    definitely don't think so and uh I just
  • 00:32:18
    try to make the best of uh being in the
  • 00:32:20
    tunnel and so that's why I live the way
  • 00:32:23
    that I do that's why I do the things
  • 00:32:25
    that I do that's why I say the things
  • 00:32:26
    that I do that's why a lot of criticism
  • 00:32:29
    and things like this of course I don't
  • 00:32:30
    like it of course I don't like it but um
  • 00:32:33
    it doesn't really emotionally affect me
  • 00:32:35
    on the same way that I think it does for
  • 00:32:36
    other people and it used to affect me a
  • 00:32:39
    lot more but I've you know you know
  • 00:32:41
    gotten a little bit better at least at
  • 00:32:42
    dealing with it and so hopefully this
  • 00:32:44
    can answer some questions and kind of uh
  • 00:32:47
    give people a little bit more insight
  • 00:32:48
    into my life and the kind of person I am
  • 00:32:51
    and
  • 00:32:52
    uh that's pretty much about it I I I'm
  • 00:32:55
    trying to think if there's anything else
  • 00:32:56
    I have to cover 30 minute video video
  • 00:32:58
    actually I was expecting it to be longer
  • 00:33:00
    so you know that's my life story that's
  • 00:33:02
    what's happened to me in general and uh
  • 00:33:05
    that's why I am the way I am and uh will
  • 00:33:08
    I ever change uh maybe maybe not right I
  • 00:33:11
    mean I I honestly like you know making a
  • 00:33:14
    lot of money on Twitch and you know like
  • 00:33:17
    the notoriety and everything like people
  • 00:33:19
    recognize
  • 00:33:22
    you I mean I just it it that I I mean I
  • 00:33:26
    guess it's nice right and I mean
  • 00:33:28
    sometimes it it's I mean having money is
  • 00:33:31
    way better than not having money but in
  • 00:33:33
    terms of like you know having a lot of
  • 00:33:35
    wealth uh I live in my same house I use
  • 00:33:38
    my same desk I you know for a very long
  • 00:33:42
    time drove my same car uh I eat in the
  • 00:33:45
    same places I do the same things I
  • 00:33:47
    really haven't changed at all honestly
  • 00:33:50
    uh ever since I was like younger ever
  • 00:33:52
    since my stream got popular and uh maybe
  • 00:33:54
    one day I will maybe one day I won't at
  • 00:33:57
    the end of the day
  • 00:33:58
    um I think that one thing that I've
  • 00:34:00
    always really kind of focused on and
  • 00:34:02
    thought about a lot is that I have
  • 00:34:04
    complete and absolute agency over my own
  • 00:34:07
    life uh I can do anything that I want to
  • 00:34:09
    do and I canot do anything that I don't
  • 00:34:11
    want to do and I think that's been a
  • 00:34:13
    very uh comforting fact and so people
  • 00:34:16
    ask me like are you ever going to do
  • 00:34:17
    this it's not something I'm really
  • 00:34:18
    thinking about changing right now but in
  • 00:34:20
    the future I might change my mind uh I
  • 00:34:23
    just don't know yet and so I just try to
  • 00:34:26
    live life and enjoy it and uh you know
  • 00:34:29
    uh be able to uh experience things for
  • 00:34:32
    the way that they're meant to be
  • 00:34:33
    experienced and um really I don't care a
  • 00:34:36
    whole lot about that even either um I
  • 00:34:38
    don't care about you know going out or
  • 00:34:40
    having certain life experiences or oh
  • 00:34:42
    you'll regret this well who cares if you
  • 00:34:44
    regret this when you're old you're about
  • 00:34:45
    to die anyway it's doesn't even matter
  • 00:34:48
    and so uh I've never really felt that
  • 00:34:50
    way it's just not it's not in me and so
  • 00:34:53
    uh that's really my whole life and um
  • 00:34:56
    that's why I live the way that I live
  • 00:34:58
    it's why I do things the way that I do
  • 00:34:59
    things and um you know maybe one day
  • 00:35:02
    it'll change maybe one day it won't who
  • 00:35:04
    the [ __ ] knows tune in next time to find
  • 00:35:07
    out so anyway guys uh hopefully this is
  • 00:35:10
    a little bit more uh informative Etc and
  • 00:35:14
    uh [ __ ] I got an early uh end for the
  • 00:35:16
    day we had to record something early so
  • 00:35:18
    I came home I figured I'd record this
  • 00:35:21
    and uh it's only 6 p.m. and so I I don't
  • 00:35:23
    know what the hell to do with myself now
  • 00:35:25
    I'm not streaming I'm going to go walk
  • 00:35:26
    around my house like an NPC see and so
  • 00:35:28
    like I don't know what to do probably
  • 00:35:29
    going to go play video games so anyway
  • 00:35:32
    guys uh thank you all very much for
  • 00:35:33
    watching thanks for listening if you've
  • 00:35:34
    gotten this far and uh yeah um things
  • 00:35:37
    have been going great for me recently
  • 00:35:39
    and uh I want to say thank you to
  • 00:35:41
    everybody who's been so supportive and
  • 00:35:42
    everything and uh you know uh my best
  • 00:35:45
    way that I can say thank you is uh by
  • 00:35:47
    doing more of it so I'll see you guys
  • 00:35:48
    tomorrow and uh that's about it peace
Tags
  • Unconventional lifestyle
  • Personal journey
  • Family struggles
  • Societal norms
  • Streaming success
  • Moral perspective
  • Identity
  • Financial hardships
  • Coping mechanisms
  • Self-discovery