00:00:00
- Hello, hello everybody.
00:00:01
(audience chuckling)
00:00:03
Before I start, I just wanna
say to everyone up here,
00:00:07
you're welcome.
00:00:10
In no other place but
Hollywood could these 10 people
00:00:12
make the kind of money they make
00:00:14
and sleep with the kind
of people they sleep with.
00:00:17
(audience cheering)
00:00:18
(exciting music)
00:00:22
- I would give an introduction,
but I don't need to.
00:00:25
Ron Burgundy.
00:00:26
(upbeat jazzy music)
00:00:30
(audience cheering)
00:00:40
(audience cheers continuing)
00:00:56
- Listen, people, listen.
00:00:57
Listen, I don't have a
lot of time, all right?
00:01:02
I don't have a lot of time.
00:01:03
I'm currently over at stage 24,
00:01:09
hosting Spike TV's Your
Mother's a Fat Bitch Award Show.
00:01:13
(audience laughing)
00:01:19
Some real clever writing,
great energy over there.
00:01:22
(audience laughing)
00:01:25
Boy, have we got a great
gang of talented comics
00:01:28
here tonight.
00:01:29
We've got Tom Driesen.
00:01:31
(audience laughing)
00:01:32
Willie Tyler and Lester.
00:01:34
(audience laughing)
00:01:36
I didn't realize Lester
was a live human being.
00:01:38
(audience laughing)
00:01:40
(indistinct), Fannie Flagg, top notch.
00:01:47
Star-studded evening.
00:01:51
Listen, I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
00:01:54
Justin Bye-ber.
00:01:55
Justin Bieber?
00:01:56
(audience laughing)
00:01:59
You've been takin' it on the chin tonight.
00:02:01
You really have.
00:02:02
In fact, absolutely abused.
00:02:04
(audience chuckling)
00:02:05
And I'm just hear to say one thing:
00:02:08
you people don't know what
the hell you're talkin' about.
00:02:11
As far as I'm concerned,
this guy is doin' it right.
00:02:15
Here's a couple things I know.
00:02:18
September 1st, 2014, Bieber
arrested for a collision
00:02:22
with a minivan in his hometown
00:02:23
of Stratford, Ontario, Canada
00:02:25
and then beat up the
occupant of the minivan.
00:02:28
Nice work!
00:02:29
(audience laughing)
00:02:31
(audience applauding)
00:02:33
October 18th, 2010, Bieber
accused of assaulting
00:02:36
a 12-year-old at a laser tag arena.
00:02:38
Kaboom!
00:02:40
(audience laughing)
00:02:44
I only wish the kid was a 9-year-old.
00:02:46
(audience chuckling)
00:02:48
March 28th, 2013, Bieber flies into Munich
00:02:52
with his pet monkey, Malley.
00:02:56
Doesn't have the proper paperwork.
00:02:58
So he leaves it at a zoo, in Germany.
00:03:03
It's a monkey.
00:03:05
It's named Malley.
00:03:08
Don't think twice, you
leave it at a German zoo.
00:03:10
(audience laughing)
00:03:13
March 4, 2013, two hours
late to a concert in Dubai
00:03:17
because he refused to
stop playing a video game.
00:03:19
Say what?
00:03:21
(audience laughing)
00:03:23
Hocked a loogie at his neighbor
00:03:24
after the guy complained
that Bieber was driving
00:03:26
100 miles per hour in his
gated community neighborhood.
00:03:28
Eat that, bitch!
00:03:29
(audience laughing)
00:03:31
July 10th, 2013, Bieber pees
in restaurant mop bucket.
00:03:35
(audience chuckling)
00:03:36
As he runs off, he sprays a
photograph of Bill Clinton
00:03:39
with a bottle of blue liquid
00:03:40
and yells, "(bleep) Bill Clinton!"
00:03:41
(audience laughing)
00:03:44
There's not a person in this
room who hasn't done that,
00:03:47
you hypocritical assholes!
00:03:49
(audience laughing)
00:03:54
This kid has spunk, moxie,
and probably a few other STDs.
00:03:59
(audience laughing)
00:04:04
(Kevin clapping)
00:04:07
I've always encouraged
people to stay classy,
00:04:09
and what's more classy than
00:04:11
hangin' out with Floyd Mayweather.
00:04:13
(audience laughing)
00:04:16
Would I love to see Biebs
00:04:17
spending time with Oscar Pistorius?
00:04:19
Of course I would, but that day will come.
00:04:21
(audience laughing)
00:04:28
People refer to Mr.
Bieber as a kid or a boy.
00:04:32
Well, here's a newsflash, gang.
00:04:34
He's a man.
00:04:36
A full-grown man.
00:04:38
Who works, and loves, and
makes things with his hands.
00:04:43
A man who sings songs for 9-year-olds
00:04:46
and cuts his hair like
a gay figure skater.
00:04:49
(audience laughing)
00:04:53
This guy just continues to impress.
00:04:54
Is there anything he can't do?
00:04:57
In fact, I've pulled my pants down
00:05:02
and took a big creamy shit
in the green room because
00:05:05
(audience laughing)
00:05:06
I thought to myself, "That's
how the Biebs would do it."
00:05:09
Again, and again, and again.
00:05:11
(audience laughing)
00:05:20
If anything, Justin Bieber,
not only do you need to
00:05:23
continue to live your life
with the same reckless abandon,
00:05:27
I suggest you turn up the heat.
00:05:29
(audience laughing)
00:05:32
Oh, and one last thing.
00:05:35
If you're watching from
your monkey cage in Germany,
00:05:37
(audience laughing)
00:05:42
go to bed, Malley.
00:05:44
Good night.
00:05:45
(audience cheering)
00:05:47
(upbeat jazzy music)
00:05:53
- You know, Jeff, a lot of your friends
00:05:55
wanted to be here, but couldn't make it.
00:05:56
Fortunately, we were
able to send a video crew
00:05:59
down to a very special friend,
00:06:01
someone who is very close
to our guest of honor.
00:06:06
Please welcome Jeff Foxworthy's cow.
00:06:09
(audience chuckling)
00:06:10
(audience cheering)
00:06:11
- [Cow] I'm the most important
cow Jeff Foxworthy has.
00:06:15
Bill Engvall's cow has to suck my dick.
00:06:19
(pig playing drum sting)
00:06:21
(audience chuckling)
00:06:22
I got a pig for a drummer
00:06:23
because they're one of
the smartest mammals,
00:06:27
just below the dolphin,
00:06:29
and just above Larry the Cable Guy.
00:06:32
(pig playing drum sting)
00:06:33
(audience laughing)
00:06:35
Jeff is an original thinker.
00:06:37
For instance, most people use
their hands to milk a cow.
00:06:41
Not Jeff.
00:06:42
He uses his mouth,
00:06:44
so that his hands are
free to play with my ass.
00:06:48
(pig squealing)
(audience laughing)
00:06:49
Come on! I've got E Coli cells on my teats
00:06:54
that are funnier than this guy.
00:06:56
(cymbal ringing)
(audience laughing)
00:06:57
Have you seen Jeff's act?
00:07:00
My shit is funnier, darker,
and better constructed.
00:07:04
(cow grunting)
00:07:06
(dung plopping)
00:07:07
(audience laughing)
00:07:08
Here's a piece of shit
00:07:09
I think I can get a
development deal for at the WB.
00:07:13
(audience laughing)
00:07:15
- [Announcer] Please welcome
a very special guest.
00:07:19
(surf rock presidential theme music)
00:07:24
(audience applauding)
00:07:28
(audience laughing)
00:07:47
(audience laughing)
00:07:50
- Thank you very much, I
appreciate that introduction.
00:07:52
(audience laughing)
00:07:54
(audience cheering)
00:07:59
Thank you, thank you.
00:08:03
It's an honor to be here tonight.
00:08:07
It's always good to be in Manhattan.
00:08:09
(audience chuckling)
00:08:14
Manhattan, as I understand, is an island.
00:08:17
(audience chuckling)
00:08:24
An island entirely surrounded by water.
00:08:27
(audience laughing)
00:08:39
I wanna thank Commie Central for...
00:08:42
(audience laughing)
00:08:51
for allowing me this opportunity
00:08:53
to be at the Jeff Foxworthy roast.
00:08:56
(audience laughing)
00:08:58
(audience clapping)
00:09:04
I like Jeff.
00:09:06
(audience laughing)
00:09:08
(audience cheering)
00:09:17
He's my favorite comedian.
00:09:22
(George chuckling)
00:09:25
(audience laughing)
00:09:30
I like his jokes.
00:09:33
They're simple.
00:09:37
Jeff is a simple man.
00:09:40
He's a simple man, but he is a smart man.
00:09:45
Now, he doesn't like to show
it, 'cause when he does,
00:09:47
people start talkin' to him real fast.
00:09:50
(audience laughing)
00:09:53
I understand that, I identify.
00:09:57
I know a lot of folks talk about me.
00:10:00
(audience chuckling)
00:10:02
A lot of people say
00:10:03
I'm not the brightest
bulb in the knife drawer.
00:10:05
(audience laughing)
00:10:08
(audience applauding)
00:10:15
I've followed Jeff's career.
00:10:18
He was destined to be a comedian.
00:10:20
His grandfather was funny,
his father was funny,
00:10:24
Jeff's funny.
00:10:26
Tree don't fall far from the nuts.
00:10:28
(audience laughing)
00:10:36
Jeff and I have something in common.
00:10:38
As I look around the room, I can see that
00:10:40
he surrounds himself with
a lot successful people.
00:10:44
(audience chuckling)
00:10:49
Now, I've done the same.
00:10:52
My cabinet is filled with
sterling men and women.
00:10:55
I've got Secretary of Defense
Donald Rumplestiltskin.
00:10:58
(audience laughing)
00:11:00
(audience applauding)
00:11:03
I'm also proud of my vice
president, Dick Cheney.
00:11:06
I appreciate 'im, I, uh...
00:11:11
(audience laughing)
00:11:19
I just wish I knew where he was.
00:11:21
(audience laughing)
00:11:24
I never know where ol' Cheney is.
00:11:27
There's days I'm sittin'
in the Oval Office,
00:11:29
just walk out into the
hallway and go, "Marco!"
00:11:32
(audience laughing)
00:11:35
(audience applauding)
00:11:40
I care about this country.
00:11:42
I care about the people of this country.
00:11:43
I care about our senior citizens.
00:11:46
(audience laughing)
00:11:47
Lemme tell you somethin'.
00:11:51
Older citizens face
00:11:53
the highest risk of death in this country.
00:11:55
(audience laughing)
00:12:03
Seniors die every day.
00:12:05
(audience chuckling)
00:12:08
I care about our economy.
00:12:11
I'm asked every day, "Mr.
President, what about our deficit?
00:12:15
What about our mounting deficit?
00:12:17
What're you gonna do?"
00:12:20
And I understand these consherns.
00:12:23
(audience chuckling)
00:12:25
And I share these consherns.
00:12:28
(audience chuckling)
00:12:29
And that is why today, I
have put before Congresh
00:12:36
(audience laughing)
00:12:40
a proposal to sell Canada.
00:12:44
(audience laughing)
00:12:48
(audience cheering)
00:12:51
Finally, let me say this.
00:12:54
Everybody else tonight's
been, uh, rippin' on ya.
00:12:59
(audience laughing)
00:13:03
I wanna say a word of encouragement.
00:13:05
I appreciate Jeff Foxworthy,
I appreciate his, uh,
00:13:09
I appreciate his good family values.
00:13:12
(audience chuckling)
00:13:14
I appreciate the fact that
he's not only a family man,
00:13:17
but he's a religious man.
00:13:18
He doesn't flaunt it.
00:13:20
But Jeff is an example that
00:13:21
religion doesn't have to divide us.
00:13:24
It doesn't have to tear us apart.
00:13:27
It can bring us together,
just like this here.
00:13:30
Looky here, here's a visual, looky here.
00:13:32
(audience laughing)
00:13:34
Looky here.
00:13:37
You see here? Look here.
00:13:39
See there's the church.
00:13:41
(audience laughing)
00:13:43
(audience applauding)
00:13:46
And there's the steeple.
00:13:49
Open the door and look at all the people.
00:13:51
(audience laughing)
00:13:54
(audience cheering)
00:13:57
Thank you.
00:13:59
God bless you Jeff, God bless you all,
00:14:02
and God bless America, thank
you very much, thank you!
00:14:04
(audience cheering)
00:14:06
(surf rock presidential theme music)
00:14:15
- We're very lucky to
have our next roaster.
00:14:18
He's a legend.
00:14:20
The executive who brought "Full House"
00:14:21
to network television,
00:14:23
Saul Schwartz.
00:14:25
(audience cheering)
00:14:27
(swinging jazz music)
00:14:37
- I remember the day
that, uh, they came to me
00:14:43
with the "Full House" pitch.
00:14:45
It was the last day my
assistant Jacquelyn blew me,
00:14:49
I remember it clearly.
00:14:50
(audience chuckling)
00:14:52
And in walked in the "Full House" people.
00:14:55
And they pitched their little show,
00:14:58
their dream show, their classic.
00:15:00
And I said, "It's a yes,
but I want it to star
00:15:05
three shmucks I've never heard of,
00:15:07
'cause I wanna prove that
time slot is everything."
00:15:11
(audience laughing)
00:15:16
Let me tell you something, John Stamos.
00:15:20
You are the most talented actor
00:15:22
that I have ever come across.
00:15:24
You are wonderful, you're
delightful, you're a dream.
00:15:29
You're fantastic, no one has
ever touched your talent.
00:15:35
It is remarkable.
00:15:36
You are the best performer
I have ever seen.
00:15:40
My balls are clapping.
00:15:42
(audience laughing)
00:15:43
You are truly God's
favorite actor, John Stamos.
00:15:47
(audience cheering)
00:15:50
Oh, by the way, I've already
read tomorrow's Variety,
00:15:54
I get it early.
00:15:55
You've been replaced on
"ER" by Jerry O'Connell.
00:15:58
(audience groaning)
00:16:02
It's true.
00:16:04
(audience chuckling)
00:16:06
Let's talk about a true mensch,
00:16:08
my pride and joy who I discovered
25 years ago, Bob Saget.
00:16:13
(audience cheering)
00:16:14
Yes.
00:16:16
I think you're more
than just the sitcom dad
00:16:21
or the guy who hosts that video show.
00:16:24
You're really one of the
shittiest comics I've ever seen.
00:16:27
(audience laughing)
(Bob laughing)
00:16:28
The other day I, after all these years
00:16:31
I've never met the Olsen twins,
he introduced me to them.
00:16:34
I said to him, "How do I tell them apart?"
00:16:36
He says, "Ashley swallows."
00:16:39
(audience groaning)
(audience cheering)
00:16:45
What's my character's name again?
00:16:48
Saul Schwartz.
00:16:50
Bob, he called him "Sole."
00:16:52
John Stamos is so not Jewish.
00:16:54
"Please welcome Sole Schwartz."
00:16:57
(audience chuckling)
00:17:00
The truth is, Bob, we've worked together
00:17:02
for many, many years,
00:17:04
and I'm starting to think
I have Alzheimers' because
00:17:06
I can't remember a single
funny thing you ever said.
00:17:10
(audience chuckling)
00:17:12
All right, I'm not fuckin' around.
00:17:13
I said to them before the show,
00:17:15
I said, "I wanna say
something nice about him now,"
00:17:18
and I swear on the screen
it says, "Sincere moment."
00:17:20
(audience laughing)
00:17:22
(Jeff laughing)
00:17:24
(audience applauding)
00:17:26
What a sincere moment!
00:17:28
No, what I wanna say to
you is we never hang out.
00:17:32
I'd like to.
00:17:33
(audience laughing)
00:17:34
We, uh, we see each other,
00:17:36
we're always happy to see each other.
00:17:38
I've always liked you.
00:17:40
And I remember when we
first met, you asked me
00:17:42
if I knew how dry my
grandmother's vagina was.
00:17:44
That was first thing-
00:17:45
- Really?
00:17:46
- [Jeff] I was opening
for you in the '80s,
00:17:48
and that's the first you said to me
00:17:50
and I knew that I liked
you from that moment on.
00:17:53
(audience laughing)
00:17:54
Isn't that fantastic?
00:17:54
Have you ever met somebody,
00:17:56
"Hey, do you know how dry
your grandmother's vagina is?"
00:17:59
That's fucking great.
00:18:01
You know he's a great person.
00:18:03
(audience laughing)
00:18:04
But I think the world of you,
00:18:06
and for me, it was an
honor to be here tonight.
00:18:09
Thanks.
00:18:11
(audience cheering)
00:18:13
(upbeat music)
00:18:18
- We are very excited, and
I'm just gonna say it, honored
00:18:21
to introduce our next roaster.
00:18:23
He's responsible not just for my career
00:18:25
but for every single person's
career in this entire room.
00:18:29
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
00:18:31
the President of Hollywood.
00:18:33
(audience cheering)
00:18:35
(upbeat jazz music)
00:18:46
- Hello everybody, hello, hello everybody.
00:18:50
(audience chuckling)
00:18:52
Before I start, I just wanna
say to everyone up here,
00:18:56
you're welcome.
00:18:57
(audience chuckling)
00:18:58
In no other place but
Hollywood could these 10 people
00:19:01
make the kind of money they make
00:19:03
and sleep with the kind
of people they sleep with.
00:19:05
(audience chuckling)
00:19:06
Seth Rogen.
00:19:09
You're welcome, you hairy Canuck.
00:19:10
(audience laughing)
00:19:12
I, Hollywood, made the world accept you.
00:19:17
I put you on a movie poster
and I said, "Deal with it."
00:19:21
(audience laughing)
00:19:23
And then I put Barbra
Streisand on that poster
00:19:24
and the world said, "No."
00:19:27
(audience laughing)
00:19:28
"The Guilt Trip."
00:19:31
Listen, if I wanted to watch
00:19:32
two ugly Jews weaving through traffic,
00:19:35
I'd watch Seinfeld's web series.
00:19:37
(audience laughing)
00:19:44
And Jonah, I'm assuming
you're here because Seth is?
00:19:47
(audience chuckling)
00:19:48
People call me all the time and they say,
00:19:50
"Hollywood, do we really
need two of these guys?"
00:19:54
(audience chuckling)
00:19:56
But I own you, Jonah, I fuckin' own you.
00:20:00
If I tried to buy you on iTunes,
00:20:02
it would say, "Are you
sure you wanna purchase?
00:20:04
Because you already own this fuck."
00:20:06
(audience laughing)
00:20:10
Andy Samboygh.
00:20:13
(audience laughing)
00:20:15
The correct pronunciation.
00:20:17
(audience chuckling)
00:20:18
A-shan-boygh.
00:20:20
Looking forward to your new
show "Brooklyn Nine-Nine."
00:20:24
Funny cops.
00:20:28
You're always pushing the envelope, Andy.
00:20:30
(audience laughing)
00:20:35
What's gonna happen when
you run out of funny crimes
00:20:37
like graffiti and pickpockets?
00:20:40
Can't wait to see episode 10
00:20:41
when "Brooklyn Nine-Nine"
has to deal with a rape.
00:20:44
(audience laughing)
00:20:45
"Uh, I dropped the rape
kit! Shmorgy-dorg!"
00:20:49
(audience laughing)
00:20:51
Yeah, that's gonna be fun.
00:20:55
Aziz, you're welcome.
00:20:58
Aziz, I admire how
00:20:59
you've never taken the
stereotypical Indian roles.
00:21:03
And I just wanna tell you that if you did,
00:21:05
you would make so much more money.
00:21:07
(audience laughing)
00:21:09
If you came out here right now
00:21:10
with crossed eyes playing a sitar,
00:21:12
I would fall on my ass laughing.
00:21:14
(audience laughing)
00:21:17
But still, what an actor.
00:21:20
Such phenomenal range.
00:21:23
(audience chuckling)
00:21:26
You're like the Daniel Day
Lewis of only doing one thing.
00:21:29
(audience laughing)
00:21:30
(upbeat funky music)