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what are the signs that you are with are
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dating or have fallen for or been
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married to a narcissist there are
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certain types of people in this world
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that will never make sense to the rest
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of us those are the narcissists and I
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don't mean that word in the kind of
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generic way that it gets thrown around a
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lot these days where anyone seems to be
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able to be construed a narcissist based
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on one or two things that they've done I
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am talking about someone who truly fits
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the bill and you know one if you have
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been with one because they don't just
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tick the Box on one count they tick the
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Box in almost every diagnosable criteria
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of a narcissist if you have been with
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one in the past I think this is going to
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be a very cathartic and healing video
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it's going to help a lot of people feel
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a lot more sane if you are with one
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right now it's going to help instruct
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how much information you have about the
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person you are with if you have just
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come out of a situation like this and
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you're still in the devastation of it I
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think it's going to help you understand
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a lot about what's just happened to you
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thank you by the way for watching my
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YouTube channel I am Matthew hussy a
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coach specializing in confidence and
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relational intelligence and for the last
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17 years of my life I've been helping
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people all over the world find love
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don't forget to like this video
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subscribe to this Channel and hit the
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notification Bell so that the next time
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I release a video you are the first to
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be notified all right let's do this
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number one they can be
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great sometimes despite all of your
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suffering despite all of the ways that
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they cause you pain all of the
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betrayals all of the ways that they
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invalidate your feelings or Gaslight you
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one evening they come home and they're
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amazing they're kind they're sweet they
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have great conversations with you
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they're playful they are loving they are
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everything that you always hope that
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they would be and when this happens it's
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so maddening because we think well this
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is it they they are capable of being
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this it's not it's not that they're
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never capable of being what I want they
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are being exactly what I always want
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right now and we then start playing the
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game of if I can just keep this going
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this is the relationship I always wanted
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with this person what we have to
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remember is that a
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narcissist might actually come across as
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a delightful
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person once all their needs have been
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met that's not always the case but for
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some if all of their needs have been met
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if they have their supply as it's known
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if they feel validated and adored
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and there's nothing they want for then
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they might see you in the evening they
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might see you at some point and be
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wonderful to be around but what you're
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really experiencing is them being great
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because every box is being ticked for
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them right now the danger is who they
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are when they're trying to get their
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needs met I like to think about it like
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a broken watch a broken watch is right
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twice a day it's wrong most of the time
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but for two brief moments a day a broken
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clock is correct don't mistake a
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relationship that works a couple of
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moments a day a week or a month with a
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working relationship you have every
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right to be loved considered and seen in
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every other minute of the day day two
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number two your empathy for them gets
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you worse treatment not better treatment
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the very quality that can make us so
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special our empathy our compassion with
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people our ability to truly see behind
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what's going on with the person or to
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understand to see them at their core not
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to just blame or judge on the surface
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can actually be the thing that gets
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weaponized against us think about in a
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relationship like this how often you end
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up forgiving someone well empathy is
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often the horse that forgiveness rides
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in on right empathy is the thing that
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ushers in forgiveness when we understand
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someone when you know we know their
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story when we are able to see the
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hardships that they've endured in their
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life the things that they've been
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through that maybe it feels like
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uniquely predispose them to this bad
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behavior to treating us this way it
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breeds a kind of sympathy maybe even a
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kind of pity you know God they've had it
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hard they've been through a lot they
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can't help themselves and that empathy
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is what allows us to keep forgiving
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someone to keep making allowances for
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their terrible behavior in the present
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and of course when we finally say enough
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is enough that person will often shame
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us shame the part of us that wants to
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feel compassionate by saying how could
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you how could you leave me how could you
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judge me how could you not forgive me
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you know me you know what I've been
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through you know you of all people I
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thought would understand in those
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moments their story and all of the
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reasons that we should see them as
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sympathetic can get weaponized against
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us using our empathy which is something
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we pride ourselves on so we have to be
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be extremely careful of that but the
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real Insidious part of this is that one
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would think that the person who lives on
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this island with the narcissist who
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gives them the most sacrifice the most
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compassion the most empathy would be the
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person that they treat the best sadly
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the person living on that island with
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them is usually the person they treat
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the worst for a narcissist our empathy
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isn't seen as some beautiful quality
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that signifies our value our empathy is
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seen as their ticket to doing whatever
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they want it is seen as their Perpetual
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get out of jail free card any time they
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want to get their needs met in any
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disrespectful or terrible way and they
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know at the end of any terrible Behavior
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they can always rely on and because of
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their entitlement
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expect forgiveness number three they are
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able to move on impossibly quickly after
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something terrible they have done to
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hurt someone they love which may mean
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you I want you to think about the things
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that this person has done to hurt you
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and as a thought experiment
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I want you to now
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imagine that you had done any of those
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things to them that you had caused that
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kind of hurt to someone you love how
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long would it take
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you to move on from that you not them
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how long would it take you to move on
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from that how hard would it be how much
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work would it take for you to forgive
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yourself for you to let go of any shame
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that you felt any guilt that you felt at
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having done that any anxiety that you
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felt at
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having been what you might think of as a
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bad person how long would it take you
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how hard would it be for you to move on
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from
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that then
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consider how easy it was for them to
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move on from that many narcissists will
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never apologize and expect you to move
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on but even the ones that can
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apologize will often expect that once
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the apology has been issued the
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situation is
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over and if you continue to have any
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feelings about the Betrayal that you've
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been through the pain they've put you
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through the hurt they've caused they
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will start to become incredibly
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impatient or even angry at the fact that
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you are still making a big deal out of
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it why are we still talking about this I
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thought it was over their response is
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devoid of compassion and by the way that
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doesn't mean that they won't grovel in
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the beginning or perform grandiose
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gestures in in order to win back your
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good graces in order to uh uh prevent
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from losing you they're only doing that
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in order to get back to the status quo
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so that they can get back to getting
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their needs met so that they can get
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their supply again they're not doing it
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because they fundamentally feel bad
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because what they have done has gone
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against some fundamental moral compass
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that they have that they now are finding
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it challenging to reconcile or forgive
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themselves for what they want is for you
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to move on as quickly as possible
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because they moved on the moment they
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did it in fact for them there was
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nothing to move on from by the way never
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let someone else's ease of moving on
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Gaslight you into believing that what
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they did wasn't so bad after all in a
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situation like this their ease of moving
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on has nothing to do with the scale of
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what they did it has everything to do
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with the absence of empathy and
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compassion that they feel when they do
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bad things what's up everybody sorry to
00:10:42
interrupt my own video I just wanted to
00:10:44
let you know that we only have 35 spaces
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left for my live retreat in Florida this
00:10:50
September from the 9th to the 15th if
00:10:52
you want to spend six days with me
00:10:55
getting to know more about your story
00:10:57
helping you through some of the deepest
00:10:59
things that you want to work on this is
00:11:01
the place we do it it's only happening
00:11:03
once this year and this is your chance
00:11:05
to get on board so go to MH retreat.com
00:11:09
grab one of those 35 places before
00:11:12
they're gone and I hope I will get to
00:11:14
see you there back to the video the
00:11:17
fourth sign that you're with a
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narcissist when Court
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red-handed they will make excuses that
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are almost unbelievable which by the way
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we might still believe you might
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have clear as day proof that someone is
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cheating on you I literally found the
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messages on your
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phone and they will say something like
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what are you doing on my phone and come
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to think of it that's my private life
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and has nothing to do with you in tired
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you're thinking but we're in
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relationship before you know it you are
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on a different planet to the one you
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thought you were on having to defend
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yourself for not being a good partner to
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this person who three minutes ago you
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found out was cheating on you you ever
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heard the the law aams Razer aams Razer
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is essentially the idea that the
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simplest explanation is the most likely
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one I found evidence of you cheating
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that's the most likely thing that has
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happened is that you have cheated what
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they are telling you is the complete
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opposite of aam's Razer it is the most
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complex ridiculous insane version of
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events that somehow leads to them being
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innocent or being the victim and I did
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you being the perpetrator though you
00:13:02
just found that part out it's almost
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like the excuses version of Murphy's Law
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David what's Murphy's Law is kind of
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anything that can go wrong will go wrong
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right or anything that can happen will
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happen in this case it's any excuse that
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can be made will be made and even the
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ones that you think couldn't be made
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will be made remember if the excuse
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sounds
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wild then it's more likely an indicator
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of the person you are dealing with than
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just how Fantastical the reality really
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is you didn't think I'd be able to fit
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aam's Razer and Murphy's Law into one
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point did you if they're deeply
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uncomfortable with the contents of this
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video they're a narcissist and that my
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friends is Matthew's law
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the fifth sign you are with a narcissist
00:14:02
even when you are at your worst in a
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moment when you are sinking and you
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think they wouldn't let you
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drown they do this I think is one of the
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most Earth
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shattering reality
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bending realizations that people come to
00:14:26
when dealing with true narc ISM they may
00:14:30
have seen bad behavior over time they
00:14:33
may have seen it consistently reliably
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predictably but there's something in the
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back of their mind that tells them yes
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but if I was
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truly in trouble if I was really on my
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worst
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day this person would be there for me of
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course they would
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we've been together all this time we we
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have history I I've sacrificed so much
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for them I've always been there for them
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we are lovers we love each other we at
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the end of the day you know we are like
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this despite all of the chaos on the
00:15:19
surface and and all of the friction in
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our relationship and all of the
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challenges we've had at the end of the
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day we are there care for each other and
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in a sense it may feel like we never
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truly put that to the ultimate test
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until something Dreadful happens in our
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life until something goes truly wrong it
00:15:46
might be a point of financial
00:15:47
Devastation it might be at the point of
00:15:51
a health
00:15:52
diagnosis it might be a time when your
00:15:55
life falls apart in some very real way
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with your
00:16:00
family or your mental health that you
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believe that in that moment when the
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chips are down they'll throw you a life
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raft they'll be there for you and in
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that
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moment you watch as you're going
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underwater and they're not there they
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stand by either with
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indifference or with excuses in short
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you cannot know the extent to which a
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person like this will abandon you in the
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key
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moments until those devastating moments
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actually happen and for a lot of people
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that moment is a moment of true
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realization it's it's almost for a lot
00:16:49
of people a moment that they can never
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go back from they will never
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forget that in that moment when they
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were drowning the other person did not
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save them and you can't unknow that it's
00:17:06
almost like we can't bring ourselves to
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believe that we're in a relationship or
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married to an
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alien and some people are watching this
00:17:16
and it applies for them with a family
00:17:18
member or a parent but it's hard to
00:17:21
believe that this person that you have
00:17:25
been wed to in one way or another is
00:17:29
actually an alien to you who does not
00:17:32
operate by the same set of laws in life
00:17:36
so we still identify with them and we
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say no no no no no when the when it
00:17:40
really goes wrong they'll behave like I
00:17:43
would behave and that's the mistake is
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that right up until total
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devastation we still believe that they
00:17:54
will behave like us but they will never
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behave like us
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because they don't operate according to
00:18:01
the same set of laws by the way don't
00:18:05
ever shame yourself for feeling like a
00:18:09
fool when it comes to this it is one of
00:18:12
the most mindblowing reality shattering
00:18:17
realizations that you will have about a
00:18:19
person and long after it's happened you
00:18:22
can still fail to understand how the
00:18:25
hell that person was happy to let you
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drown don't shame yourself for finding
00:18:31
it hard to wrap your head around that
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reality the fact that you can't really
00:18:36
wrap your head around that reality is a
00:18:39
sign of who you are and your character
00:18:43
and just how different you are from them
00:18:46
sign number six they show
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emotion but their emotion doesn't come
00:18:52
from the same place as our emotion comes
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from so it's very
00:18:59
tempting when we threaten to leave
00:19:02
someone to see their tears to see them
00:19:06
cry to see them get upset and to think
00:19:09
oh they do have the same emotional
00:19:12
register as me look that I I I keep
00:19:16
talking about them like they're this
00:19:18
cold
00:19:21
calculated unemotional narcissist but
00:19:24
look how much pain they're feeling right
00:19:26
now look how many tears they're shedding
00:19:29
maybe they are like me after all now
00:19:31
it's not that their tears aren't real
00:19:33
it's not that their tears are an act
00:19:36
that's just a uh another falsehood their
00:19:39
tears May well be
00:19:42
real but their tears aren't for
00:19:47
you their tears are for
00:19:51
them they are feeling a loss and that is
00:19:55
what they're upset about in other words
00:19:58
when someone hurts you and they risk
00:20:01
losing
00:20:03
you they're not hurting because you're
00:20:07
hurting they're hurting because they're
00:20:12
hurting and their pain is the most
00:20:15
important thing in the world to them so
00:20:19
they are capable of feeling immense pain
00:20:23
but we mustn't mistake it as having the
00:20:28
underlying Foundation that our pain has
00:20:32
when we feel pain it's often from a
00:20:34
place of having caused someone else pain
00:20:37
our pain is our guilt our pain is our
00:20:40
self-loathing our pain is our self-
00:20:42
admonishment that we could have done
00:20:44
something like that to someone their
00:20:47
pain is that whatever has happened has
00:20:51
cost them something and that's where
00:20:55
their sadness or their hurt is coming
00:20:57
from don't confuse tears that are over
00:21:01
you for tears that are for you the
00:21:06
seventh sign that you are with or have
00:21:08
been with a narcissist is how quickly
00:21:12
and seemingly easily they can discard
00:21:16
you once it's over it is another
00:21:20
shocking realization I feel like every
00:21:23
narcissistic relationship is a sort of a
00:21:25
series of shocking realizations
00:21:29
to wrap your head around and in many
00:21:32
ways the final shocking realization that
00:21:35
people have is that this person that
00:21:38
they thought once they finally left the
00:21:41
narcissist or once they finally stopped
00:21:43
giving into to them would continue to
00:21:46
hurt or would in some way continue to do
00:21:52
the right thing afterwards or continue
00:21:55
some strand of connection how easily
00:21:58
that person severs all connection with
00:22:02
you how they can seemingly just move on
00:22:05
as if you never existed and any
00:22:08
communication with them from that point
00:22:11
is tend to mount to an inconvenience to
00:22:15
them unless it still represents some
00:22:19
kind of
00:22:20
Supply right if the narcissist can
00:22:23
continue to get supply from you in some
00:22:26
way then there may still be some passing
00:22:28
interest in other words if they can
00:22:30
still get validation from you adoration
00:22:33
from you if they can still get their
00:22:34
needs met in some way then maybe they'll
00:22:37
hang on to that connection but the
00:22:39
moment you refuse to be their supply
00:22:42
anymore which means having boundaries
00:22:46
having standards for yourself going
00:22:48
forward the moment you are no longer
00:22:51
Supply they discard you as if you never
00:22:56
existed and for people who have so much
00:22:59
history with someone in many cases have
00:23:01
built a life with someone or been raised
00:23:04
by someone or raised someone the idea
00:23:08
that that person could just cut them off
00:23:13
and move on to another life at lightning
00:23:16
speed is the most disorienting
00:23:20
bewildering thing but that's exactly the
00:23:23
experience so many people have when it
00:23:25
comes to narcissism this can have the
00:23:28
effect of being
00:23:31
almost this like kind of exit
00:23:35
gaslighting that happens on the way out
00:23:38
this feeling that this situation that
00:23:40
has gas lit us all along on one level or
00:23:43
another this is like the final
00:23:44
gaslighting is that I made the whole
00:23:47
thing up I thought we were soulmates I
00:23:51
thought we were this couple that looked
00:23:54
out for each other I thought we had a
00:23:56
marriage that meant something at the end
00:23:58
of the day after years or Decades of
00:24:00
being together and seemingly it counted
00:24:04
for nothing it is like it was all just a
00:24:09
hallucination of my own whatever they
00:24:12
thought of the relationship or how
00:24:15
different it was in their mind to how it
00:24:17
was in yours your love was real the
00:24:21
relationship may not have been in the
00:24:23
way that you thought but the way you
00:24:26
loved and the ability you had to love
00:24:29
them your feelings for them were real
00:24:33
and the beautiful thing is you can now
00:24:35
take all of that that you still have
00:24:37
because it's yours no one can take that
00:24:39
from you and you can point it in a
00:24:42
direction that deserves it this time
00:24:45
around and I don't care how late in the
00:24:49
day you have told yourself it is for you
00:24:51
in life I don't care what season you are
00:24:54
in it is never too late while you are
00:24:57
still breathing to take all of that love
00:25:00
that you have and to point it in a
00:25:02
direction where it will do good and
00:25:05
Blossom into something beautiful for you
00:25:08
and for somebody else if you enjoyed
00:25:11
this video leave me a comment let me
00:25:12
know what it meant to you the feedback
00:25:14
on these videos means a lot to me and it
00:25:17
helps me direct future videos it also is
00:25:20
encouraging to me to know that people
00:25:22
are out there and that you heard it and
00:25:24
that it made a difference to you um I
00:25:26
wanted to give you something as a gift
00:25:28
from me today I have created a free and
00:25:32
very practical guide for communicating
00:25:35
bold standards in many cases standards
00:25:38
you may have never communicated before
00:25:41
and when we've never communicated them
00:25:42
before we need to learn the language of
00:25:45
them what does it actually look like to
00:25:47
communicate these new standards that I
00:25:50
want to have in my life and this guide
00:25:52
is designed to help you do exactly that
00:25:55
remember if you have gone a long time
00:25:58
without communicating standards or
00:26:00
you've never had them and you've never
00:26:02
known how to set boundaries then it's
00:26:04
like learning to walk for the first time
00:26:07
and that's okay when we're starting out
00:26:10
learning a language we need to know the
00:26:13
basics so I've put together a guide for
00:26:15
you to be able to create bold new
00:26:18
standards going forward and it's really
00:26:20
going to show you what they look like
00:26:22
literal sentences that you can say to
00:26:25
people to have the kinds of standards
00:26:27
that are going to create a better life a
00:26:30
better relationship for you in the
00:26:31
future and protect you from the kinds of
00:26:36
relationships you may have had in the
00:26:38
past go to
00:26:43
boldarde right now and let me know what
00:26:46
you think I think you're really going to
00:26:48
love it and thank you for watching this
00:26:49
video I'm so happy to have you here and
00:26:53
uh let's keep working on our standards
00:26:56
together I'll see you next week week be
00:26:59
well my friends and love life
