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hey guys just thought i'd come on here
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and do an update uh
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sorry about my last video it was just an
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emotional mess
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um
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some things have happened since then and
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it's been a roller coaster of a ride so
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i'm gonna say some things on here that
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might be a trigger for some people but
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i'm trying to be pretty
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excuse me open about this um
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um
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so if you triggered by talking about
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abuse or anything like that
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then
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you know don't watch this video
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um
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i'm gonna talk about some things in my
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past and counseling visits so
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anyhow i'll get into it um
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i guess
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uh the last video i said that my husband
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asked me for a divorce
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and then
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later he was saying that or aft later he
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went to the counselor and then
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uh talked to the counselor and by
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himself
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and then was thinking
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well maybe he's not opposed to the idea
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of kids that maybe it's just because the
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relationship's so bad right now that's
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why
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and he was thinking about giving it six
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months you know that time i had come to
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the acceptance that
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you know i was getting divorced um
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so it was just kind of like what you
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know
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and i guess you know it's right my hair
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it's a crazy day
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and i guess
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that trust just isn't there for me
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because
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like who i was before i had the surgery
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and who i am now
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are two different people like
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the person i was before surgery which is
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i guess was kind of desperate and
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open to forgiving and forgetting but
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never really forgot like hit it down
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inside of me and i didn't speak up about
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my feelings and
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i don't know if i'm explaining that
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right and then now it's like
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you know thinking about the past it's
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like well you hurt me and
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i'm not gonna stand for that now you
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know
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like i guess
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the person i was would just
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kind of you know let people walk all
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over me because i thought you know
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my self-esteem was so low i thought
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that's
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you know that's the only relationship
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i'm ever gonna get so i gotta make it
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work no matter what you know and then
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now it's like
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now i feel strong and empowered and
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like i have a decision in my life
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because before i didn't feel like i had
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a decision in my life like
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i was so sick i was in bed rest and i
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didn't really feel in control of my life
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and then now it's like i'm getting back
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my physical health and working on my
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mental health that's still a work on
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progress obviously but
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now as i find myself speaking up when
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things bother me
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um
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especially when it comes to
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relationships
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like if he
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did something that bothered me i let him
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know about it you know and
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maybe not in the best way but
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anyhow
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i completely forgot i was talking about
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i think i need to go get some coffee
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be right back sorry about that i had to
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get some protein coffee and just feeling
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kind of drained
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hoping it helps don't mind my world of
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warcraft cup
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like protein coffee in there um
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anyways i think i was talking about you
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know being two different people
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sorry i don't know why my throat's all
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weird
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and anyways i was struggling with that
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whole six-month thing
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and it was just kind of like a throwback
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like what do you mean you want to work
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things out you know i thought you didn't
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want kids ever and then now it's a maybe
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and so i i was talking to my counselor
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about this and she says it's kind of
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like he's dangling in carrot like you
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know
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like here's the prize you know
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um
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what i ended up doing um
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like i was so reserved for so many days
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and i'm like this isn't right
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you know i should probably just leave
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i'd go out
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shopping and i'd see
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you know guys with families i'm thinking
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you know i want a family guy you know
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not
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someone who's
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whatever he's going through i don't know
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try to get him to go to the counselor
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and talk about it but he just says he
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doesn't have that drive in him that
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that wants kids he wants like a relaxed
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home quiet
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you know superior wine and look out at
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the
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garden kind of life and for me i guess i
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i'm a different person and
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to me that sounds boring i want to get
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out and enjoy life you know i never got
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to do that before and
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like on my days off i want to go out and
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go to the park or go bike riding
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mini golf i don't know you know
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do things that you know being a bigger
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person i never would have done
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and never got the chance to and for him
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he's just
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like he doesn't want to experience that
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with me
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and that really hurts and
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you know kids sing aside it's like we're
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two different people um
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you know i get he doesn't like roller
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coasters right not everyone likes roller
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coasters but if it was me i'd you know
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go hold a bag if he wanted to go
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skydiving and i didn't want to or
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something you know
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i'd still be present there if that makes
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sense um
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but for him he's just no i'm not gonna
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go no
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no part of it you know and it's that
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bothers me like
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am i wrong to be bothered like by that
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you know and i feel almost like
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i'm allowing him to hold me back and you
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know i got the second chance of surgery
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to go out and enjoy life you know
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there's that phrase going around the
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community of get out and live and i feel
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like i'm not getting out and living you
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know
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like there's certain things that i've
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come to a conclusion with counseling of
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what what do i want in life
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what's going to make me happy and
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having a family having a house that's
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that's things that's going to make me
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happy having a career that's going to
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make me happy
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and writing a book that's going to make
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me happy but you know that's a work in
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progress and another
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another
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video for that but anyways um
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i think i got off track
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but he just seemed so close to
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everything i want to do you know and
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i don't want to just sit around the
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house all day you know
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i had enough of that when i was you know
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over 300 pounds you know miserable and
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that's i guess maybe that's why i don't
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like sitting around the house is because
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i remember
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sitting around being miserable and i
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don't want any part of being miserable
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now
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uh i don't know if this makes sense to
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anybody out there but
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and i ended up
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maybe out of guilt i don't know
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or being feeling pressured in the making
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decision because he was pressuring me
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saying you need to make a decision you
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need to do this you need to you know
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saying he doesn't know how to act around
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me because i haven't made a decision and
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then
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you know i kind of said
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you know don't rush me you can't rush me
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on this you know this is why i'm
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reserved and then we got into this huge
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argument and it was just
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it was awful
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like i'll just say all the things why
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i'm hurt and then he would you know
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throw back while he's hurt
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it's pretty awful but
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i don't know if i mentioned about
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i don't know if i mentioned the elephant
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in the room when it came to my
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relationship um but i'll mention it now
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when i was
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excuse me
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and the last place i lived before my
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surgery
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i got real sick
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um
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and before that
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both my parents passed away from cancer
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and for me that was really hard
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um the only
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sibling i had
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kind of blamed me
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for the last one saying
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i'm not gonna go into that it's not
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important but
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so i felt like all my family had left so
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i was depressed
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and
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i put on more weight i was diagnosed
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diabetes and the heart failure and i
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ended up being stuck in a bed
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because when i moved around i couldn't
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breathe
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couldn't care for myself that kind of
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thing
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and a few months after my mom passed
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away which was first my problem father
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passed away then a few years later my
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mom passed away
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um
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and after a few months after that
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my husband decided to leave in the
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middle of the night while i was sleeping
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and fly back to new zealand
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i found out from a text because it
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finally was like 4 p.m i'm like hey are
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you coming home from work
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you know what's it what's up did you
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have to work great you know my kind of
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thing
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and then
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it was
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that
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and it was hard not just because the
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whole breakup shock
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but i had zero money to my name
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and had to live off of
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the pudding i had in the fridge because
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he took
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cashed out his money and then went back
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and we had just used all my money to pay
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the rent um
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and i had whatever i had in the fridge
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had to last me
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a few weeks so it was
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living off of a single
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serving
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you know one of those jello pudding
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things
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um that already
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the snack ones i live off one of those
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like a week
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and that was rough
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and then the depression kicked in and uh
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well i'm not gonna go into that but
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that's just a dark time i don't want to
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go into right now
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but i ended up doing something stupid
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i'll just leave it at that
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um
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and ever since then like i couldn't
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trust him when he came back
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because i feel like who does that to a
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person like
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i felt like you know man up and just say
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you want to break up why not you know
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but
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i'm off track again i'm sorry
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um like i said it's just an emotions
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right now emotional rollercoaster right
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now
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um i thought i could forgive him
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and i try really hard
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and now i feel like this different
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person you know before i was like yeah
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come back
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you know like i said before i felt like
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i had to
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like that was the only relationship i'm
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ever gonna get you know
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um
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and i honestly didn't think i'd live
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past 30.
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so maybe that had something to do with
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it but i think it was mostly my
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self-esteem or lack thereof
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but now i know better
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because i think i know better
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i don't know
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um i'm still working progress but
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anyhow i felt like
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when he said
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um how he wanted to try things again
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like he's dangling that carrot like
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i guess it's the lack of trust that i
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have for him um
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like other than the leaving it was
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he takes out a bank account without even
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asking
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me and he doesn't think that
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it's a red flag but
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it is
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um
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but yeah
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that's why i felt hurt by that um trying
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to work around it but
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i really
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don't trust you know
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and then
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i decided you know six months is too
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long
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you know i thought about you know i'm
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not living
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quit being so reserved just you know put
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yourself out there and give it a go
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because if not you're just gonna you
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know end up wondering
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and so you know maybe i was out of guilt
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i don't know
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uh
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for pressure i don't know so i decided
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to do that
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and then
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we talked about some things and said
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it's not going to be like it was
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um
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i suggested you know one day a week have
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a date get to know each other like we're
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brand new dating because
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we obviously are two different people
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now than when we first met um i went
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over this thing in counseling of
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writing down all the things that i liked
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about him in the beginning and then
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taking a look to see which ones are
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still there and
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there's none that are still there
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and that was kind of like an eye-opener
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for me
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and kind of like well who is this you
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know who am i even married to and then
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who am i you know
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so i'm not the same person obviously but
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um
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yeah and then
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there was another red flag this first
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week this is coming on the first week
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tomorrow will be the end of it
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um i told him
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because i have a past of sexual abuse
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about when i was a kid and then the
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previous relationship before this
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i guess i didn't
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even think of it of like rape or
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anything but
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and that was like an eye opener
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yesterday counseling like
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i guess that is what it was
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because it was forced
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because i did say no but i guess i
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always thought
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you know since we're in a relationship
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it doesn't count like i don't know my my
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brain was all screwed up back then you
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know low self-esteem it just eats at you
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all self-esteem is just awful
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um
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it's really pleased with your
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perspectives and then you end up turning
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everything onto yourself and the depress
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which is even more awful but anyways
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um
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so yeah
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and uh
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like with my husband now
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i i i just i can't do it from behind if
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that makes sense
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not the butt way but like
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i guess doggy stuff whatever it's called
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i don't even know um
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i told him why he said it triggers my
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triggers me because you know i was
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abused like that
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and then this week we ended up having
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sex again and several times he still
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keeps trying to do it that way
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and the way he does it's like oh maybe
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let's try it
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i'm thinking
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like dude i just told you this is a
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trigger for me why are you doing this
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and i thought well maybe i'll try
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because i also
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i mentioned before i thought i was still
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a virgin well
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that's not true
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turns out i have
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vaginismus which
00:15:50
if you don't know you can google it it's
00:15:51
basically everything tightens up to hell
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you don't have control over it and then
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if you're
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anxious about it it tightens up even
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more and it ain't happening um
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deep penetration ain't happening
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um and i noticed you know a few months
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back he was just like oh it's like we
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never had snacks because i couldn't get
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it in all the way
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so that kind of bothered me like
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i don't know and then i told the
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counselor
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and she's like i am so sorry you know
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that just shows that he doesn't respect
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you or not i'm just like
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i never thought of it like that i
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thought it was just like me like
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you know but i guess you know that is a
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red flag and
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you know i'm so glad i'm going to
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counseling now because she like
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shows me things that
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maybe i
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don't want to believe or
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sorry or i'm just in denial about or i
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think like i turned that low self-esteem
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gets in the way because it's still kind
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of there and i'm fighting with it right
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now with the depression
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um
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but i'm so glad i'm going to counseling
00:17:01
because that she just pointed that out
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to me you know and i'm just like
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wow
00:17:05
that is so right
00:17:12
you know and it's not right to do that
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so
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i told him that yesterday and then
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um
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like i saw him kind of trip to the side
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like
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you know like he was upset about her
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like i just envisioned him saying
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that's not a you know getting upset like
00:17:30
he usually does when i say
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um
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this shows when you do this this is how
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it makes me feel kind of thing and
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no that's not even like he invalidates
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how i feel or something i don't know
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and i got this
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got a few worksheets from my counselor
00:17:48
let me go get them up right back
