Why You Won't Find A Soulmate

00:33:37
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=58kdlgKvEU0

概要

TLDRVideyo a touche sou estrès ak chalè fanm ki ap chèche relasyon ki anfòm, ak yon analiz sou stil atachman, misogini ak pwoblèm ki anpeche relasyon ki an sante. Li fè wè enpòtans nan chanje atant yo ke nou mete sou patnè nou yo ak kijan yon bon relasyon se plis pase jis jwenn yon bon moun. Ki sa ki nesesè se kwasans ak devlopman pandan y ap travay sou relasyon an ansanm ak patnè a. Diskisyon sa a ankouraje moun yo reflechi sou sa yo konsome sou entènèt ak kijan sa a ka afekte pèspektiv yo sou lanmou ak relasyon.

収穫

  • 💔 Relasyon pa jis gen pou wè ak jwenn yon bon moun.
  • 🔍 Stil atachman anksye ka mennen nan pwoblèm emosyonèl.
  • 🌐 Misogini sou entènèt ka afekte pèspektiv fanm yo.
  • 🌀 Fanm souvan idealize patnè yo, ki ka mennen nan dezapwobasyon.
  • ⏳ Bon relasyon yo pran tan pou devlope.
  • 💡 Chanje sa ou konsome ka amelyore mental ou.
  • 🎭 Limerance se yon konpleksite ki ka konplike lanmou.
  • 👩‍❤️‍👨 Amelyore kapasite nou pou resevwa ak bay lanmou se kle.
  • 🤝 Kominikasyon klè ak patnè a esansyèl pou yon relasyon ki an sante.
  • 💖 De-center men nan lavi ou pou jwenn refòm lanmou ak amitye.

タイムライン

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    Moun kap jwenn yon relasyon sante ap fè fas ak atant ki se enposib pou patnè yo reponn. Li enpòtan pou konprann ke renmen ou se pa sèlman sou jwenn yon moun, men sou devlopman ak kwasans nan relasyon an. Sa a se yon pwosesis ki pran tan.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    Mwen kwè nan sans ou jwenn yon renmen ki reyèl, ki pa soti nan yon fòma fantezi. Souvan, moun ki gen yon stil atachman anksye tonbe nan limerans, ki fè yo renmen yon lide oswa yon imaj olye de yon moun reyèl. Li enpòtan pou separe imaj sa a ak reyalite a pou devlope yon relasyon solid.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    Gen yon twoub sou sa atire moun sou entènèt la. Gen sa ki fè pati yon dyalòg ki enpòtan, men gen yon risk ke sa ki negatif ka vin domine. Se konsa, koud la ki se kraze nan ki jan moun konsome enfòmasyon sa yo enpòtan anpil pou pèspektiv yo nan relasyon.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    Limenans se yon pwoblèm konstans ki gen pou wè ak fòm lan ki soti nan yon timoun ki pa jwenn swen emosyonèl soti nan paran yo. Sa a kreye yon bezwen pou renmen ki pwofon, sa a ka mennen nan yon atachman anksye ki ki difisil pou jere.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    Se pa sèlman sou jwenn bon patnè a; se sou jan ou ak yo ka devlope yon relasyon. Jan ou kominike ak sa yo ou bezwen se yon eleman kle ki souvan neglije. Li enpòtan pou etabli ki jan ou ak lòt moun ka konprann ak pataje renmen naratif ki a ansanm.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:33:37

    Se pou chanje sa ou konsome, sa ki enfliyanse panse ou ak atant ou. Lide sa a ki pwomèt trankil ideyal ak atant ka afekte relasyon ou yo nan yon fason negatif. Rekonnèt sa yo espere nan lòt moun se yon premye etap esansyèl nan kreye relasyon ki sante.

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ビデオQ&A

  • Ki sa ki stil atachman anksye?

    Stil atachman anksye a se yon mòd emosyonèl ki fè moun yo santi yo enkyete sou relasyon yo, souvan an jeneral, kote yo santi yo pa gen ase afeksyon oswa pase twòp tan ap fè anpil ensèten.

  • Ki sa ki 'limerance'?

    Limerance se yon eta emosyonèl ki karakterize pa yon atachman entans ki pa nesesèman fonse, souvan fèt ak yon ideyalizasyon nan yon lòt moun.

  • Ki sa ki pi gwo difikilte yo fè fas a fanm nan lavi amoure yo?

    Fanm yo ka souvan fè fas ak atant depase, yon lòt konpleksite ki soti nan misogini ak pwoblèm ki soti nan dinamik relasyon yo, ki souvan fè yo santi yo izole.

  • Ki jan mwen ka amelyore relasyon mwen yo?

    Konsidere travay sou tèt ou ak stil atachman ou, chanje sa ou konsome sou entènèt, ak fè efò pou kwè nan kapasite ou pou touche ak resevwa lanmou.

  • Ki siyifikasyon 'decenter men' la?

    De-center men an vle di chanje pwen de vi ou pou konsantre sou tèt ou ak relasyon ak lòt fanm, olye de soubyen ou oswa sa sosyete di sou relasyon ak mesye.

  • Kijan mwen ka amelyore konpreyansyon mwen nan relasyon?

    Li enpòtan pou kominike klèman ak patnè ou, detèmine ki jan ou renmen yo ak ki jan ou jwenn lanmou, ki ka ede nan evite malantandi.

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  • 00:00:00
    a lot of people who are struggling to
  • 00:00:01
    find the one are setting an impossible
  • 00:00:05
    expectation for their Partners to meet
  • 00:00:08
    meeting your soulmate does not mean
  • 00:00:10
    happily ever after so often times when
  • 00:00:13
    we have an anxious attachment style what
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    we fall in love with is not a person we
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    fall in love with a fantasy okay female
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    loneliness afraid of turning into a fem
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    cell hey y'all I'm very lonely and I'm
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    on the verge of turning into a fem cell
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    navigating the internet as a woman often
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    feels like Meandering through a
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    Minefield of misogyny every space I
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    frequent seems to be turning into a
  • 00:00:34
    cesspool of inceldom and all things that
  • 00:00:37
    lack empathy and some of it is
  • 00:00:39
    definitely seeping into my brain I've
  • 00:00:41
    been consuming a lot of pinkpilled
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    content especially this YouTuber called
  • 00:00:44
    manifest and dive into essays about pop
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    culture analysis of romcom tropes and
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    yungan psychology about anima projection
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    I get a lot of male attention because of
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    my profession and my in interests in
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    male dominated Fields like gaming but
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    never truly feel seen I can't seem to
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    find anyone who loves me for who I am I
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    was desired but never loved a choice but
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    never the one my guy friends don't get
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    it they say how can you call yourself a
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    fem cell if you've been in so many
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    relationships and have 37,000 likes on
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    Bumble just because some someone is
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    attractive to be honest I'm not even
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    attractive I'm average but my profile is
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    pretty funny doesn't mean they can't
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    face rejection or isolation quick aside
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    I don't know if you all remember this
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    but we did a video on female bullying
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    and attractive women are likely to be
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    bullies but they are also attractive
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    attractiveness as a woman also increases
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    your risk of being bullied so women
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    often times bully attractive women
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    attraction isn't the sole factor in
  • 00:01:42
    building relationships and reducing it
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    to that misses the entire point the
  • 00:01:46
    woman who first coined incel wasn't
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    fixated on appearance appearances the
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    way looks maxers these days are her goal
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    was to talk about the difficulties in
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    forming meaningful connections but
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    that's been hijacked into a superficial
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    context contest over looks and genitals
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    and body counts and the AL that Alpha
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    Beta Sigma stuff while I might not have
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    difficulty attracting men the connection
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    often feels shallow I think they don't
  • 00:02:09
    see the real me only the fantasy they've
  • 00:02:11
    projected onto me once the fantasy wears
  • 00:02:14
    off I am unlovable sometimes I feel so
  • 00:02:17
    vengeful I feel like every guy I've
  • 00:02:18
    dated has just used me to level up and
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    then discarded me like I'm some manic
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    pixie dream girl in some stupid male
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    centered romcom I really need to
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    decenter men for my life but at the same
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    time I just want to be loved held seen
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    and understood I'm caught in a tug of
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    war between polarizing emotions each day
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    I wake up unsure Which side will gain
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    the upper hand leaving me exhausted and
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    Confused this is the longest I've been
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    single since I was 17 and this year has
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    been a total train wreck romantically
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    and sexually recently I went to a
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    wedding with my older cousin sisters and
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    it stirred up some childhood wounds as a
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    kid I always wanted to be like them
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    beautiful feminine graceless effortless
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    happy but I never felt like I belonged
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    honestly they're wonderful and it's my
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    own craft that I didn't fit in whole
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    time I had thoughts like why can't I be
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    normal why can't I be happy teenage me
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    tried to cope by thinking I don't fit in
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    because I'm better than them which is
  • 00:03:09
    both cringy and untrue but that was my
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    tomboy pick me era and I'm ashamed
  • 00:03:13
    ashamed of it I did seek wisdom from
  • 00:03:15
    them and they empathized with me for the
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    most part they suggested I just shut up
  • 00:03:19
    and go the arranged marriage route
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    because that's where all the good men
  • 00:03:22
    are but I'm so scared that I won't be
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    happy because I'm hard to love so if I
  • 00:03:27
    say no to marriage and convince myself
  • 00:03:29
    this is how it's going to be and stay
  • 00:03:31
    single forever am I just a fem cell or
  • 00:03:33
    just a sad forb I've been spiraling a
  • 00:03:36
    bit watching all these relationship
  • 00:03:37
    movies if you do a yion analysis on
  • 00:03:39
    romcoms they fall into two camps anima
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    movies a guy with mommy issues meets a
  • 00:03:44
    quirky girl who fixes him and then he
  • 00:03:46
    discards her animous movies like Beauty
  • 00:03:49
    and the Beast a woman is thrown into the
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    Animus world and she must befriend his
  • 00:03:53
    toys and tools tames the Beast and
  • 00:03:55
    becomes the Mistress of the house it's
  • 00:03:57
    depressing how the women even after they
  • 00:03:59
    find their
  • 00:04:00
    never really get a happy ending they
  • 00:04:02
    always either get pregnant and die in
  • 00:04:03
    child birth or get discarded after the
  • 00:04:05
    male protagonist finds
  • 00:04:07
    himself why does female self-isolation
  • 00:04:10
    always end in codependency why do women
  • 00:04:12
    lose their friends every time they start
  • 00:04:14
    a new relationship my anxious attachment
  • 00:04:16
    style is ruining my life and I'm trying
  • 00:04:18
    to work on it and it's hard I've been
  • 00:04:20
    chronically depressed for the past 1.5
  • 00:04:22
    years I do have a therapist psychiatrist
  • 00:04:24
    hobbies and a supportive family but I
  • 00:04:26
    can't seem to escape the cycle of
  • 00:04:28
    limerance codependency in isolation I
  • 00:04:31
    need to decenter men from my life but
  • 00:04:33
    loving fiercely is my thing and I'm not
  • 00:04:35
    afraid of heartbreak rewatch flea bag
  • 00:04:37
    and it has this quote I think you know
  • 00:04:39
    how to love better than any of us that's
  • 00:04:40
    why you find it so also painful women
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    are born with the pain built in I used
  • 00:04:45
    to be a hopeless romantic until my
  • 00:04:47
    soulmate dumped me for being depressed
  • 00:04:49
    now I don't believe in soulmates and
  • 00:04:51
    life sucks so yay everything I miss
  • 00:04:53
    about my exes wasn't there in the first
  • 00:04:55
    place where are the good men better yet
  • 00:04:57
    how do I stop giving a damn about
  • 00:04:59
    finding one
  • 00:05:00
    I want peace feminine wisdom and more
  • 00:05:02
    female friends
  • 00:05:04
    okay so I think the first thing to
  • 00:05:07
    understand about finding a healthy
  • 00:05:09
    relationship is that it takes time
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    there's a learning curve right so I
  • 00:05:14
    think the biggest mistake that we make
  • 00:05:16
    is that we assume that we're looking for
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    a person where are all of the Good Men
  • 00:05:22
    this is something that I hear so much as
  • 00:05:25
    if finding the right man results in the
  • 00:05:29
    right relationship that is not what
  • 00:05:31
    makes a good relationship is not finding
  • 00:05:33
    something that is perfect although this
  • 00:05:36
    too gets
  • 00:05:38
    propagated by our media and things like
  • 00:05:41
    that you find the one you fall in love I
  • 00:05:44
    personally believe in soulmates like I
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    think that's legit but meeting your
  • 00:05:48
    soulmate does not mean happily ever
  • 00:05:52
    after happily ever after is what you
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    build with the soulmate it is what you
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    become it is what they become it is the
  • 00:06:01
    growth that happens once you meet your
  • 00:06:03
    soulmate see this is a huge problem that
  • 00:06:06
    we make especially with dating we make
  • 00:06:09
    all of these associations we make this
  • 00:06:11
    chain of
  • 00:06:12
    causation and that's really where the
  • 00:06:14
    problem is finding the Good Men isn't
  • 00:06:17
    the problem it is about once you have
  • 00:06:20
    the good man or once you find the good
  • 00:06:21
    man how do you change how do you make
  • 00:06:24
    the relationship work how do you
  • 00:06:26
    encourage them to change how do you
  • 00:06:28
    encourage them to become even better
  • 00:06:31
    that's where all the money is finding
  • 00:06:33
    the
  • 00:06:34
    person meeting the person the initial
  • 00:06:38
    thing with that person is actually a
  • 00:06:40
    very small interaction maybe five
  • 00:06:42
    minutes maybe a little bit longer with
  • 00:06:44
    texting nowadays I don't know right so
  • 00:06:46
    you can look but the encounter with the
  • 00:06:47
    person is very shortlived but then the
  • 00:06:49
    relationship is something that takes
  • 00:06:51
    years so I'd say that like this business
  • 00:06:54
    with relationship the mistake that we
  • 00:06:55
    make is we think I need to find the
  • 00:06:58
    right seed toow grow the right fruit
  • 00:07:01
    tree and that's true right you need the
  • 00:07:04
    right seed to grow the right fruit tree
  • 00:07:06
    but finding the seed is just the first
  • 00:07:10
    necessary step to Growing the tree then
  • 00:07:13
    the tree actually needs to be fostered
  • 00:07:15
    the seed needs to be planted we need to
  • 00:07:17
    break we need to till the soil plant the
  • 00:07:19
    seed so I think a big problem that a lot
  • 00:07:22
    of people don't like this is rubs them
  • 00:07:26
    the wrong way is you may find your
  • 00:07:28
    soulmate but what is the ground that
  • 00:07:31
    that seed is going into what is your
  • 00:07:34
    receptivity to that soulmate I had a
  • 00:07:36
    couple of uncompassionate thoughts when
  • 00:07:39
    I read this post and I'm going to share
  • 00:07:42
    those and they're given with compassion
  • 00:07:44
    but I've worked with people who wouldn't
  • 00:07:47
    even know love when they saw it when I
  • 00:07:50
    see anxious attachment style when I see
  • 00:07:52
    projection when I see these kinds of
  • 00:07:54
    things this is honestly a problem when
  • 00:07:56
    you have an anxious attachment style
  • 00:07:58
    love can look very scary this person
  • 00:08:01
    also mentions
  • 00:08:03
    limerance this is a problem so often
  • 00:08:05
    times when we have an anxious attachment
  • 00:08:07
    style when we have a prediliction
  • 00:08:09
    towards
  • 00:08:10
    limerance what we fall in love with is
  • 00:08:14
    not a
  • 00:08:15
    person it's not a human we fall in love
  • 00:08:19
    with a fantasy we fall in love with an
  • 00:08:22
    idea and when we spend our time looking
  • 00:08:24
    at yungan analysis of tropes that is not
  • 00:08:28
    reality there's absolutely value to it
  • 00:08:32
    and there are archetypes in it but even
  • 00:08:34
    if we look at what this person says it's
  • 00:08:36
    like I mean this is where you got to be
  • 00:08:38
    like really careful because you know
  • 00:08:40
    they're talking about where he discards
  • 00:08:43
    her in the end and then she dies
  • 00:08:45
    pregnant in childbirth or they get
  • 00:08:47
    discarded after the male protagonist
  • 00:08:49
    finds himself what about all the people
  • 00:08:50
    who don't die in child birth right it's
  • 00:08:52
    like it's kind of weird there's such a
  • 00:08:54
    selection bias here there's a selection
  • 00:08:56
    bias of the kind of people that this
  • 00:08:58
    person is meeting being in a
  • 00:09:00
    male-dominated field right they're
  • 00:09:02
    finding all the wrong men there's a
  • 00:09:04
    selection bias who's writing yian essays
  • 00:09:07
    about tropel analysis what is their
  • 00:09:10
    attachment style what is their
  • 00:09:12
    experience it doesn't always end like
  • 00:09:14
    this and in fact I would say that if you
  • 00:09:16
    look at it like really statistically
  • 00:09:17
    forget about yungin analysis of tropes
  • 00:09:20
    in fiction which all of these things are
  • 00:09:23
    fiction by the way right if you look at
  • 00:09:26
    the real world what do you see most
  • 00:09:29
    stories don't end like this most stories
  • 00:09:31
    I think like 50% of people get divorced
  • 00:09:33
    50% of people stay together like dying
  • 00:09:36
    in child birth child birth is I think
  • 00:09:38
    statistically the most dangerous thing
  • 00:09:39
    that a woman will ever do and the
  • 00:09:42
    majority of women survive like the vast
  • 00:09:44
    majority of women survive so I think
  • 00:09:46
    this is where we have to be really
  • 00:09:47
    really careful about whether we are
  • 00:09:50
    actually ready to
  • 00:09:52
    receive what we are looking for very
  • 00:09:55
    important in dating and I don't mean to
  • 00:09:56
    say that all of the blame is on you I
  • 00:09:58
    mean I think there's a lot of
  • 00:10:00
    misogynistic crap on the internet but
  • 00:10:02
    that is another issue that we should get
  • 00:10:03
    into so what I've noticed with almost
  • 00:10:06
    all of these posts is that they start
  • 00:10:09
    with my experience on the internet so I
  • 00:10:11
    know this sounds kind of Staggering but
  • 00:10:14
    I I have a question for y'all what
  • 00:10:17
    percentage of people on the planet know
  • 00:10:20
    what an incel is so I'll talk to
  • 00:10:22
    psychiatrist's colleagues of mine and
  • 00:10:24
    I'll be like yeah I do a lot of work
  • 00:10:25
    with incels and they're like what is
  • 00:10:26
    that my kids friends parents
  • 00:10:29
    literally over this winter holiday I
  • 00:10:33
    probably talked to about 20 people one
  • 00:10:35
    person knew who an insult was so this is
  • 00:10:38
    something that if you're like in dating
  • 00:10:40
    and stuff and I think this person I I
  • 00:10:41
    love this post because the person has so
  • 00:10:43
    much self-awareness they're absolutely
  • 00:10:45
    moving in the right direction they're
  • 00:10:47
    able to find a lot of things that are
  • 00:10:49
    going on in their life maybe an
  • 00:10:51
    attachment style issue they notice
  • 00:10:53
    themselves going down the rabbit hole
  • 00:10:55
    this is like the one corner of the
  • 00:10:56
    internet that I'm so proud of because
  • 00:10:58
    they say I'm turning I can see it
  • 00:11:00
    happening I'm turning into a fem cell
  • 00:11:02
    how do I stop right everywhere else
  • 00:11:04
    they're either not fem cells or they've
  • 00:11:06
    already become fem cells the communities
  • 00:11:09
    of these people are not in the
  • 00:11:11
    metamorphosis phase they're
  • 00:11:14
    postmetamorphosis so it's it's brilliant
  • 00:11:17
    this is awesome like this person has
  • 00:11:19
    such incredible Insight that you see
  • 00:11:22
    this happening then you can do something
  • 00:11:23
    about it so the first thing that I'm
  • 00:11:25
    going to say and this is going to be
  • 00:11:26
    kind of tough but I want y'all to think
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    healthy body if we look at it it's core
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    lives at the minimum I need calories and
  • 00:11:46
    water if I want to avoid like if we look
  • 00:11:48
    at the like why bodies fall apart
  • 00:11:50
    sometimes we inherit things like genes
  • 00:11:52
    for Cystic Fibrosis that what that's
  • 00:11:54
    what makes an unhealthy body but often
  • 00:11:56
    times for most people if we look at like
  • 00:11:58
    in the United States
  • 00:11:59
    healthy bodies high blood pressure heart
  • 00:12:01
    disease diabetes are caused by our diet
  • 00:12:04
    and less so by exercise but exercise is
  • 00:12:06
    important too diet and exercise so this
  • 00:12:09
    makes very simple sense right so if I
  • 00:12:11
    want to have you know a sturdy house
  • 00:12:14
    what determines the sturdiness of the
  • 00:12:16
    house that I build the ingredients that
  • 00:12:19
    I put into it what determines the health
  • 00:12:21
    of my body what I put into it this is
  • 00:12:24
    something that a lot of people don't
  • 00:12:25
    practically understand what determines
  • 00:12:28
    the health of my mind what I put into it
  • 00:12:33
    so if you eat a trash diet in your mind
  • 00:12:36
    you will have a trash mind if I'm a part
  • 00:12:39
    of incel forums what do you think is
  • 00:12:41
    going to happen in my mind if I'm part
  • 00:12:44
    of an echo chamber what happens in the
  • 00:12:46
    Echo chamber so the biggest problem that
  • 00:12:48
    I see most people have is they feed
  • 00:12:50
    their mind a diet of trash and this
  • 00:12:53
    person knows this right they're saying
  • 00:12:56
    I'm watching this YouTuber I'm not
  • 00:12:58
    saying that the YouTuber is trash I have
  • 00:13:00
    no idea what this person is or what they
  • 00:13:02
    do or if their content is good or not
  • 00:13:03
    good don't don't take it that way but
  • 00:13:05
    when we say trash diet of the mind it's
  • 00:13:07
    not that a particular thing is good or
  • 00:13:09
    bad the most important aspect of diet is
  • 00:13:11
    variety fruit is healthy and I recently
  • 00:13:15
    saw there was like a fruit influencer
  • 00:13:17
    who died of malnutrition no surprise so
  • 00:13:20
    it is not that a particular content
  • 00:13:22
    creator is trash or not trash it is the
  • 00:13:26
    scope and breadth of content that you
  • 00:13:28
    watch if all you ever watch on the
  • 00:13:30
    internet is Dr K and you spend a lot of
  • 00:13:32
    time watching Dr K on the internet I
  • 00:13:34
    will be the first to say you have a
  • 00:13:35
    trash diet go do something else so I
  • 00:13:39
    want y'all if your mind is not healthy
  • 00:13:41
    if you don't like the way that your mind
  • 00:13:44
    is if you don't like the thoughts that
  • 00:13:46
    you have and the emotions that you have
  • 00:13:49
    the first thing that you should do is
  • 00:13:51
    understand what are the inputs to your
  • 00:13:52
    mind and we know this scientifically
  • 00:13:55
    right so if I grow up in a toxic and
  • 00:13:57
    abusive household I the function of my
  • 00:14:00
    mind will change the way I interpret
  • 00:14:03
    events will change my sense of
  • 00:14:05
    self-esteem will change because I'm
  • 00:14:07
    getting these inputs so if you want a
  • 00:14:11
    healthy mind you must feed it the right
  • 00:14:13
    things now what does that mean this is
  • 00:14:16
    where the whole touch grass things come
  • 00:14:18
    comes from and I know that this is kind
  • 00:14:20
    of like people will be listening to this
  • 00:14:21
    and they're saying Dr K are you just
  • 00:14:23
    saying I should get off the internet and
  • 00:14:24
    touch grass well yes and no so telling
  • 00:14:27
    you to get off the internet and touch
  • 00:14:29
    grass doesn't work why not because the
  • 00:14:33
    parts of your brain that motivate
  • 00:14:36
    Behavior if I just tell you hey you
  • 00:14:38
    should exercise every day that doesn't
  • 00:14:41
    engender motivation it doesn't engender
  • 00:14:45
    action telling you what to do is not
  • 00:14:47
    sufficient we must tell you why you
  • 00:14:50
    should do it this is what creates
  • 00:14:52
    behavioral
  • 00:14:54
    change so if you want to change your
  • 00:14:56
    behavior and get off the internet what
  • 00:14:58
    you you need to do is a critical
  • 00:15:00
    analysis of your experience a critical
  • 00:15:04
    analysis of what I saying then you will
  • 00:15:07
    hopefully get off the internet if you
  • 00:15:10
    internally arrive at this conclusion on
  • 00:15:12
    your own the likelihood of Behavioral
  • 00:15:14
    change drastically
  • 00:15:16
    increases so I'm not telling you to just
  • 00:15:18
    do anything I'm telling you to
  • 00:15:21
    understand if I eat highly processed
  • 00:15:23
    food and I get constipated the solution
  • 00:15:26
    is simple I need to change what I put
  • 00:15:27
    into my body if you don't like the way
  • 00:15:29
    your mind is you need to change what you
  • 00:15:31
    put into your mind now why is this so
  • 00:15:33
    hard because our mind is attracted to
  • 00:15:37
    those things why do why is it so easy to
  • 00:15:39
    eat processed food because it tastes
  • 00:15:41
    good the
  • 00:15:43
    internet tastes delicious all these like
  • 00:15:46
    things on Twitter and these posts this I
  • 00:15:50
    don't know this yian analysis of tropes
  • 00:15:52
    like I don't know who's writing this
  • 00:15:54
    stuff I don't know if they understand
  • 00:15:55
    yian analysis are they yian trained
  • 00:15:58
    psycho ists probably
  • 00:16:01
    not maybe they are who knows so most of
  • 00:16:05
    the stuff on the internet is trash and
  • 00:16:07
    it tastes really good what does tasting
  • 00:16:09
    really good mean it means that it
  • 00:16:11
    emotionally resonates with our
  • 00:16:14
    experience that's what we lean
  • 00:16:17
    into right what does this person
  • 00:16:19
    gravitate towards fem cell YouTubers
  • 00:16:22
    yungi and Analysis what you eat tastes
  • 00:16:26
    good same is true of the mind and this
  • 00:16:28
    is why why incel Echo Chambers exist
  • 00:16:31
    they love it there it's like a buffet
  • 00:16:34
    full of Twinkies all trash but tastes
  • 00:16:37
    delicious that's why they keep going
  • 00:16:38
    back so when you engage with these
  • 00:16:41
    things on the internet ask yourself what
  • 00:16:43
    is it cuz see understand this you have
  • 00:16:46
    something in here that feels Satisfied
  • 00:16:49
    by consuming the trash from the internet
  • 00:16:51
    what is that thing what is this that you
  • 00:16:54
    are feeding constantly and one of two
  • 00:16:57
    things will happen when you feed
  • 00:16:58
    something in inside of you either it'll
  • 00:17:00
    go away or it'll grow and this is the
  • 00:17:02
    big problem with the Internet is that
  • 00:17:05
    the internet doesn't ever satisfy us it
  • 00:17:08
    you I mean not ever that's not correct
  • 00:17:10
    it does rarely but most of the time the
  • 00:17:12
    stuff that we consume on the internet
  • 00:17:14
    tricks our brain into satisfaction but
  • 00:17:17
    it doesn't fulfill our needs so it feels
  • 00:17:20
    good if you look at venting spaces on
  • 00:17:22
    the internet people are venting venting
  • 00:17:24
    venting but I don't know if people get
  • 00:17:25
    better so it gives us some portion it's
  • 00:17:28
    just like highly processed food it has
  • 00:17:31
    calories in it but it doesn't have
  • 00:17:33
    micronutrients there's a difference
  • 00:17:34
    between calories and nutrition and the
  • 00:17:37
    problem with the Internet is all these
  • 00:17:39
    companies are basing things they're
  • 00:17:40
    competing with each other to try to
  • 00:17:42
    offer the tastiest food so if you look
  • 00:17:45
    at like fast food companies why are they
  • 00:17:48
    so unhealthy because they're competing
  • 00:17:50
    based on satisfaction with everybody
  • 00:17:53
    else and it's a race to the bottom the
  • 00:17:55
    internet is no different so everyone's
  • 00:17:57
    looking for emotional
  • 00:17:59
    engagement everyone's looking for Deltas
  • 00:18:02
    if there's a change it's important
  • 00:18:05
    person who is viewed as good did
  • 00:18:07
    something bad all over the Internet
  • 00:18:09
    person who did something bad did
  • 00:18:10
    something bad again eh the mind is very
  • 00:18:13
    sensitive the brain is sensitive to
  • 00:18:15
    Deltas the the brain is sensitive to
  • 00:18:17
    emotional engagement so these are the
  • 00:18:20
    two things that pull us into the
  • 00:18:21
    internet and when we consume this stuff
  • 00:18:23
    over and over and over again it changes
  • 00:18:26
    our thinking and the real problem is
  • 00:18:28
    that when it comes to dating I think
  • 00:18:29
    like you know a third of the people that
  • 00:18:32
    I've worked with like they bring so many
  • 00:18:35
    problems to the table and then they get
  • 00:18:37
    frustrated when they can't find what
  • 00:18:39
    they're looking for you know this this
  • 00:18:41
    person said I got dumped by someone who
  • 00:18:43
    dumped me because I was depressed now
  • 00:18:45
    there are studies that show that men are
  • 00:18:48
    have an unfortunately High
  • 00:18:51
    predisposition of divorcing their wives
  • 00:18:54
    when their wives get cancer so many men
  • 00:18:57
    unfortunately do a abandon their wives
  • 00:19:00
    when they get sick there's data to
  • 00:19:02
    support that women don't abandon their
  • 00:19:05
    men when they get sick women divorce
  • 00:19:07
    their men when they lose their job
  • 00:19:10
    that's what the data shows right so what
  • 00:19:12
    is what life circumstance change
  • 00:19:16
    increases the risk of divorce from a
  • 00:19:18
    woman's perspective it's a man losing
  • 00:19:20
    their job from a man's perspective it's
  • 00:19:22
    a woman becoming unhealthy good people
  • 00:19:24
    out there and bad people out
  • 00:19:26
    there not saying that men are bad or
  • 00:19:28
    women women are bad Everyone's an
  • 00:19:30
    [ __ ] for a different reason and I've
  • 00:19:32
    seen women that are [ __ ] for male
  • 00:19:34
    reasons and men that are [ __ ] for
  • 00:19:36
    female reasons the variance within a
  • 00:19:38
    population far outweighs the variance
  • 00:19:42
    between populations but the key thing is
  • 00:19:45
    you know someone breaking up with you
  • 00:19:47
    because you are depressed that can
  • 00:19:49
    absolutely be true and that sounds like
  • 00:19:51
    an [ __ ] thing to do and in some ways
  • 00:19:53
    it is but I've also seen the other side
  • 00:19:56
    of the table what is it like to date
  • 00:19:58
    someone who's depressed often times the
  • 00:20:01
    people who break up with people who are
  • 00:20:02
    depressed is what I've seen as a
  • 00:20:03
    psychiatrist is not I'm breaking up with
  • 00:20:06
    you because you're depressed I'm
  • 00:20:08
    breaking up with you because you are not
  • 00:20:11
    putting in the effort to make things
  • 00:20:13
    better that's the common reason but when
  • 00:20:16
    you are depressed it is very hard to see
  • 00:20:18
    that
  • 00:20:19
    Nuance it's very easy to think in black
  • 00:20:22
    and white I see this with addiction too
  • 00:20:25
    I'm not breaking up with you because
  • 00:20:26
    you're an addict I'm breaking up with
  • 00:20:28
    you because you stopped going to
  • 00:20:30
    meetings started hanging out with the
  • 00:20:32
    wrong crowd and when I told you hey I
  • 00:20:34
    think you need to start going to
  • 00:20:35
    meetings again you told me to go screw
  • 00:20:37
    myself and then said that everything was
  • 00:20:38
    fine that's why I'm breaking up with you
  • 00:20:41
    but what is the person going to do
  • 00:20:43
    they're going to say I broke up with me
  • 00:20:44
    because I have an addiction problem so
  • 00:20:46
    there's a lot of nuance here there's a
  • 00:20:48
    lot of subtlety and the really
  • 00:20:50
    challenging thing about that is when I
  • 00:20:51
    read something like this is that what
  • 00:20:53
    happened I don't know maybe you got
  • 00:20:55
    depressed once and the dude was like
  • 00:20:57
    yeah F this I'm moving on maybe the
  • 00:20:59
    person was an [ __ ] emotionally
  • 00:21:00
    available we can't make a
  • 00:21:03
    deterministic decision there and we
  • 00:21:05
    don't want to and the reason why is
  • 00:21:06
    because we're not just talking to that
  • 00:21:08
    person what happened in that
  • 00:21:10
    circumstance is not what's important we
  • 00:21:12
    should understand because we're talking
  • 00:21:14
    about scale right we should understand
  • 00:21:16
    the scope and range of things that are
  • 00:21:18
    possible are dudes likely to dump their
  • 00:21:20
    girlfriends because they get depressed
  • 00:21:23
    absolutely could you have been an
  • 00:21:25
    unfortunate victim of that circumstance
  • 00:21:27
    absolutely
  • 00:21:30
    and what can you do about it so I'd say
  • 00:21:33
    first thing and you know the internet is
  • 00:21:35
    full of toxic misogyny but it is also
  • 00:21:37
    there are pockets of very very good male
  • 00:21:40
    attitudes so the most positive
  • 00:21:43
    communities that I have participated in
  • 00:21:46
    and or watched tend to be dudes talking
  • 00:21:49
    about
  • 00:21:51
    cooking most positivity that's where the
  • 00:21:54
    good men are they're the ones who are
  • 00:21:56
    talking about and are devoted to
  • 00:21:58
    grilling and gardening but you go to a
  • 00:22:01
    relationship advice Community you go to
  • 00:22:04
    anything related to explicit
  • 00:22:09
    gender why is that it's because the
  • 00:22:12
    people who go there there's like a
  • 00:22:14
    selection
  • 00:22:15
    bias right who's hanging out talking
  • 00:22:18
    about relationships on the internet a
  • 00:22:20
    lot of good people I'm sure I hang out
  • 00:22:22
    on those too a bad person but most of
  • 00:22:25
    the people in healthy relationships are
  • 00:22:27
    not hanging around Rel relationship
  • 00:22:29
    advice places they're out living their
  • 00:22:32
    relationship and this is the real
  • 00:22:34
    problem with the Internet is that the
  • 00:22:35
    selection bias is so strong and the
  • 00:22:38
    selection bias is made worse by the
  • 00:22:40
    algorithmic nature once your browser
  • 00:22:43
    once your Reddit account once your
  • 00:22:45
    YouTube algorithm knows what you like it
  • 00:22:48
    will serve you up more and more and more
  • 00:22:50
    of it and then the diet in your mind
  • 00:22:53
    it's kind of like like this is what the
  • 00:22:54
    internet is like and it's really scary
  • 00:22:57
    imagine a world where if if you go to a
  • 00:22:59
    fast food
  • 00:23:01
    restaurant half of the grocery stores in
  • 00:23:04
    your area get replaced with fast food
  • 00:23:07
    restaurants and each time you go to a
  • 00:23:10
    fast food
  • 00:23:11
    restaurant other places disappear and
  • 00:23:14
    are replaced by fast food restaurants
  • 00:23:17
    what would your diet become over time
  • 00:23:20
    how much dedicated effort now I have to
  • 00:23:22
    drive 90 kilometers to find a grocery
  • 00:23:25
    store this is what the internet does
  • 00:23:28
    this is why everyone has a trash diet of
  • 00:23:30
    the mind it is a dynamic
  • 00:23:34
    landscape where it's erased to the
  • 00:23:37
    bottom so when things are like when
  • 00:23:39
    we're prioritizing crappiness and highly
  • 00:23:43
    processed trash and the world is so
  • 00:23:46
    Dynamic this is what the world becomes
  • 00:23:49
    so this person is doing in in a lot of
  • 00:23:50
    ways like all the right things they have
  • 00:23:52
    a psychiatrist they have a therapist
  • 00:23:54
    they're aware that they have an anxious
  • 00:23:55
    attachment style and if y'all are
  • 00:23:57
    looking for wondering where all the the
  • 00:24:00
    good men are and you have not done all
  • 00:24:02
    of this work this is where you should
  • 00:24:04
    start not that everyone needs to go to
  • 00:24:06
    therapy but it's worth trying and the
  • 00:24:09
    last thing to consider is that when you
  • 00:24:10
    see the world a particular way this is
  • 00:24:13
    what's really hard to understand the
  • 00:24:15
    world that you see is disconnected from
  • 00:24:19
    the world that exists because your
  • 00:24:21
    perception matters a lot right so like
  • 00:24:24
    and this is what's really challenging
  • 00:24:26
    especially when we've got these
  • 00:24:26
    limerance kind of things where this
  • 00:24:28
    person says you know people find me
  • 00:24:30
    attractive but I'm never the one and so
  • 00:24:32
    when I work with people who struggle
  • 00:24:33
    with dating I'll ask them what does that
  • 00:24:37
    practically look like how would you know
  • 00:24:40
    and what I tend to find is that a lot of
  • 00:24:42
    people who are struggling to find the
  • 00:24:44
    one and who are looking for the one are
  • 00:24:47
    setting an impossible expectation for
  • 00:24:50
    their Partners to meet I want to be
  • 00:24:53
    loved completely and totally what does
  • 00:24:55
    that look like if I was a robot
  • 00:24:59
    examining your
  • 00:25:01
    interactions how would I be able to
  • 00:25:04
    judge give me a score card what does
  • 00:25:07
    true love look
  • 00:25:09
    like and over what span of time are you
  • 00:25:13
    giving people the time to grow and
  • 00:25:17
    change how are they supposed to know
  • 00:25:19
    what true love means to you often times
  • 00:25:22
    we set telepathic standards for our
  • 00:25:25
    partners this is what true love means to
  • 00:25:28
    to me where is your vision of true love
  • 00:25:30
    coming from it's coming from what you
  • 00:25:34
    consume like I I can't imagine how
  • 00:25:37
    difficult it must be if a dude is dating
  • 00:25:39
    you and you're doing you know yian
  • 00:25:42
    analysis of romcom tropes and this is
  • 00:25:46
    somehow creating a standard in your mind
  • 00:25:48
    that you're expecting this [ __ ] guy
  • 00:25:50
    who's playing League of Legends to meet
  • 00:25:53
    like
  • 00:25:54
    bro really hard and that's what's so
  • 00:25:57
    tricky about this is that the truth is
  • 00:25:59
    that like it's somewhere in the middle
  • 00:26:02
    of all of this
  • 00:26:04
    crap are there dudes out there who are
  • 00:26:07
    [ __ ] yes will dudes out there look
  • 00:26:11
    at you and project on you their own
  • 00:26:15
    limerent object right are they going to
  • 00:26:18
    look at you and see this manic pixie
  • 00:26:20
    girl yes that happens but when you look
  • 00:26:23
    at them do you see the
  • 00:26:25
    human or do you see your liant object
  • 00:26:30
    this romantic figure from Beauty and the
  • 00:26:32
    Beast who is even more Fantastical than
  • 00:26:35
    Beauty and the Beast because in fiction
  • 00:26:38
    every man is not good enough and every
  • 00:26:40
    woman suffers if that is the standard of
  • 00:26:43
    what happens in fiction what are you
  • 00:26:45
    expecting from The Real World and this
  • 00:26:48
    is why it's hard to form connection
  • 00:26:50
    connection doesn't happen between two
  • 00:26:53
    fantasies it doesn't happen between
  • 00:26:56
    Edward Cullen and manic pixie girl it
  • 00:26:59
    happens between two real people and so
  • 00:27:03
    the tricky thing the reason that I'm I'm
  • 00:27:04
    careful about this stuff I'm I'm
  • 00:27:06
    acknowledging you know you know if
  • 00:27:07
    someone is in a vulnerable state and I
  • 00:27:08
    say things like this you have to be
  • 00:27:11
    careful because what I'm saying could be
  • 00:27:12
    interpreted as this is all your fault
  • 00:27:14
    but that's black and white thinking
  • 00:27:16
    that's the the cognitive bias I'm not
  • 00:27:17
    saying it's all your fault I have no
  • 00:27:18
    idea whose fault it is I have no idea
  • 00:27:20
    how old you are I have no idea how many
  • 00:27:22
    relationships you've had I have no idea
  • 00:27:24
    if you're in the right or you're in the
  • 00:27:25
    wrong I don't know and at the same time
  • 00:27:27
    what I've seen is a psychiatrist time
  • 00:27:29
    and time and time again is that some of
  • 00:27:31
    this is your fault and some of it is
  • 00:27:33
    their fault that is the most correct
  • 00:27:35
    answer so what do you do about it you do
  • 00:27:39
    what you can do see when we're hurt when
  • 00:27:42
    we have an anxious attachment style this
  • 00:27:44
    is true of limerance okay so this is
  • 00:27:46
    really interesting so limerance is when
  • 00:27:49
    we have this unexplained intense
  • 00:27:51
    powerful attraction to Someone Like An
  • 00:27:54
    someone else so the really interesting
  • 00:27:55
    thing is that people get limerance not
  • 00:27:58
    just because they have an anxious
  • 00:27:59
    attachment style there's one really
  • 00:28:01
    specific difference so people and this
  • 00:28:04
    isn't always true cuz there's not great
  • 00:28:05
    data on limerance but this is a really
  • 00:28:07
    fascinating thing that I found on a
  • 00:28:08
    paper in limerance once people who grow
  • 00:28:10
    up with
  • 00:28:12
    limerance have withholding parents their
  • 00:28:15
    parents don't meet all their emotional
  • 00:28:18
    needs so they develop this anxious
  • 00:28:20
    attachment style where I don't develop
  • 00:28:22
    confidence and I have to engage in a lot
  • 00:28:25
    of distress behaviors to get people to
  • 00:28:28
    be able to like take care of me so if
  • 00:28:30
    you leave the room I'm going to start
  • 00:28:31
    crying because if I don't cry then
  • 00:28:33
    you'll abandon me so they get this this
  • 00:28:35
    fear of Abandonment and they have to
  • 00:28:37
    they're very scared that people will
  • 00:28:39
    always abandon them now that's just an
  • 00:28:42
    anxious attachment style when does it
  • 00:28:44
    become limerance it becomes limerance
  • 00:28:47
    when there is a child with anxious
  • 00:28:49
    attachment once in a while has a third
  • 00:28:54
    par a caregiver so your parents maybe
  • 00:28:56
    one or two parents but there's a third
  • 00:28:58
    there's an a third object there's me
  • 00:29:00
    there's the parental caregiver who's not
  • 00:29:02
    giving me what I need and once in a
  • 00:29:05
    while there is a person out there who
  • 00:29:07
    gives me exactly what I need but the
  • 00:29:09
    interaction with them is short so my
  • 00:29:11
    parents don't encourage me but for three
  • 00:29:14
    months before I moved I had this coach
  • 00:29:17
    who was everything that I always wanted
  • 00:29:19
    and they were so kind to me and then the
  • 00:29:22
    brain creates a structure where it is
  • 00:29:25
    possible for a third thing out there
  • 00:29:28
    that is distant to give me everything
  • 00:29:30
    that I want and this is what's so
  • 00:29:32
    frustrating about limerance is in
  • 00:29:34
    limerance we see something very similar
  • 00:29:36
    to this where I'm attracted to this
  • 00:29:38
    perfect person but the closer I get to
  • 00:29:41
    them the worse things get so limerance
  • 00:29:44
    lasts for on average 1 to seven years
  • 00:29:47
    crazy and after 1 to seven years they
  • 00:29:51
    transfer to a new liant object you may
  • 00:29:53
    get too close to this person and then
  • 00:29:55
    the reality doesn't match up to your
  • 00:29:57
    fantasy and then the limerance moves to
  • 00:29:58
    someone else and why do people do this
  • 00:30:01
    it's because when they were growing up
  • 00:30:03
    there was a Fantastical figure who did
  • 00:30:06
    everything for you but it was just a
  • 00:30:08
    slice it was just a moment in time maybe
  • 00:30:10
    even one interaction when no one else
  • 00:30:13
    when your parents were not taking care
  • 00:30:14
    of you one teacher noticed or one parent
  • 00:30:18
    of a friend noticed or one friend
  • 00:30:21
    noticed and for that one moment
  • 00:30:23
    everything that you wanted was satisfied
  • 00:30:25
    and that was true for you and then of of
  • 00:30:28
    course you as a human being what do you
  • 00:30:30
    do you go looking for it again because
  • 00:30:33
    you know it's out there and of course
  • 00:30:36
    you would I would not blame you for that
  • 00:30:38
    for a moment you're looking for true
  • 00:30:40
    love because you felt it once in your
  • 00:30:42
    life but woe is the person who's on the
  • 00:30:47
    receiving end of all of your hopes and
  • 00:30:51
    dreams where are all of the Good Men us
  • 00:30:55
    average men can't compete with that
  • 00:30:59
    us normal men us ordinary men us flawed
  • 00:31:03
    men us men who are struggling there's no
  • 00:31:06
    way we can live up to your
  • 00:31:09
    expectations and the real tragedy of the
  • 00:31:11
    matter is that we are the good men
  • 00:31:14
    because most men I think are pretty
  • 00:31:17
    good most women I think are pretty good
  • 00:31:20
    I know I'm going to alienate lots of
  • 00:31:22
    camps when I say that most human beings
  • 00:31:24
    I think are pretty good so if you want
  • 00:31:26
    to find love I mean I think go go for it
  • 00:31:29
    be a little bit careful about what you
  • 00:31:31
    consume because what you consume is what
  • 00:31:33
    you will think what you consume is what
  • 00:31:36
    you will
  • 00:31:38
    want advertisers understand that that's
  • 00:31:40
    why they advertise it's literally mind
  • 00:31:43
    control so if you want your mind to
  • 00:31:45
    function in a different way change the
  • 00:31:47
    diet of the
  • 00:31:48
    Mind look at what expectations you have
  • 00:31:52
    look at what standards you're setting
  • 00:31:53
    for other people and usually when I work
  • 00:31:56
    with anxious attachment people
  • 00:31:58
    like it's really common for like one
  • 00:32:00
    thing to really rise up which is that
  • 00:32:02
    the other person is trying to give you
  • 00:32:06
    what you've always wanted you there's
  • 00:32:08
    just a communication gap where you're
  • 00:32:11
    not able to receive it even though
  • 00:32:13
    they're trying to give it because the
  • 00:32:15
    way they were taught to give
  • 00:32:17
    it the way they were taught to express
  • 00:32:21
    love is different from the way that you
  • 00:32:24
    expect to receive love so I have love
  • 00:32:26
    but that has to be trans at I cannot
  • 00:32:29
    send you love I have to convey love in a
  • 00:32:31
    package is it a gift is it an expensive
  • 00:32:34
    gift is it a kiss is it a communication
  • 00:32:37
    is it dropping everything that I'm doing
  • 00:32:39
    and rushing over to you is it a
  • 00:32:43
    meal and when I do each of those things
  • 00:32:46
    how do you interpret it this is why
  • 00:32:49
    finding your soulmate is just the first
  • 00:32:52
    step the work of a relationship comes in
  • 00:32:56
    that translation hey hey all hope you
  • 00:32:58
    enjoyed today's video we talk about a
  • 00:33:00
    bunch of topics like this on the channel
  • 00:33:02
    so be sure to subscribe for more if
  • 00:33:04
    you're already subscribed GG and we'll
  • 00:33:06
    see you in chat
  • 00:33:08
    [Music]
タグ
  • relasyon
  • stil atachman
  • feminism
  • limerance
  • soulmate
  • loneliness
  • misogini
  • anxiete
  • relasyon ki an sante
  • òganik chanjman