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hi guys welcome back
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[Music]
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today i wanted to talk about meltdowns
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tantrums whatever you want to call them
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i prefer to call them
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meltdowns an autistic meltdown because i
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find tantrum a bit of an unfair word
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i associate a tantrum with naya my
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two-year-old who
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screams and shouts when she doesn't get
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what she wants but
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a meltdown for an autistic person is a
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lot more complex and i guess i just
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wanted to
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talk a little bit about sometimes why
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meltdowns happen
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how to look out for the signs and what
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to do when they're in the middle of a
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meltdown
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when he was first diagnosed you know i
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thought that he was just having a normal
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two-year-old tantrum and sometimes he
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was
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sometimes he didn't get what he wanted
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and therefore he would kick off and have
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a regular two-year-old tantrum and then
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i started noticing a bit more of a
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pattern he was
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a lot more anxious and a lot more upset
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and a lot harder to calm down
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if he was in the middle of a meltdown
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and in the beginning i did not handle
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them very well
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at all so i started to watch dylan and i
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started to watch out for the telltale
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signs when he was
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either becoming too over stimulated
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maybe a change of routine
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maybe we're in a place that was too hot
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too smelly
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i mean could be smelly as in perfumes
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could be a number of different reasons
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and you will know
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your own child's kind of triggers as i
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got to know him better because we do
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you know we're given these babies we
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don't know them we have to get to know
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our children
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and it's the same growing up we're
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continuing to learn about them
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we got to a point where if i saw dylan
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becoming overstimulated i would take him
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out of that situation either take him
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out to nature
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give him a nice warm bath you know i had
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my toolbox of things that i would use to
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calm him down before he got to that
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point
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of no return if you like i knew it was
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coming
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every six weeks we would have one of
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these meltdowns and it usually came
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around christmas time
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end of half term anything that was a
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change in routine i knew that he had to
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get out this
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frustration worst case scenario you're
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outside with your other children and
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your child decides to have a meltdown
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they're on the floor they're hitting
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their head on the ground and everyone's
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looking at you
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thinking you're a child a is naughty or
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you're a bad mother
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you know what i'm talking about yep
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you've been there yes of course you have
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because we all have so number one thing
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to do
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ignore everyone else around you really
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really now i know
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you think it's easier said than done and
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so many times i've yelled at people
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saying please just stop looking at my
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son
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and you can't save people do you mind
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not looking i'm sorry my son's autistic
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don't be afraid to protect your child
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in that moment number two get your child
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to a safe space
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for dylan it was a corner uh if i was
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out it was under my coat
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a car at home maybe it's their bedroom
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make sure they can't hurt themselves
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just let them ride through it you know
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the storm will pass
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it'll calm down again and the next day
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the day will be brighter
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if your child is older than six maybe
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they're a bigger child and you feel like
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you can't hold them
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you're out just sit down beside them and
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try and protect them so
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obviously if they hit their heads try
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and hold their head
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as tight to your body as possible i have
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been known to even lie on dylan
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when we're out and about the other thing
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is there is no point
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trying to talk to them when they're in
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the middle of a meltdown
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all you can do is just offer them
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reassuring words maybe say a phrase over
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and over so for me
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i would say shit's okay mommy's here
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mommy's here
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mommy's here in the calmest voice you
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can they
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feed off us and i learned this the hard
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way by the way and i
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again i'm telling you this but a couple
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of months ago
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when dylan was having his meltdown i
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totally forgot everything i learned
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and i became so anxious because his
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meltdowns
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got harder to deal with whether your
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child is 2
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10 15 an adult i think it's really
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important
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to let them know that you're there for
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them and also for you to remember
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this too shall pass because i know
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how hard it is when you're dealing with
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other children or other members of your
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family or judgment
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or people picking holes in you and then
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you're looking at your child and they're
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distressed and you think how can i help
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them
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i want to make this all go away well
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guess what you are helping them by just
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being there by just being the presence
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that you are
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you know never tell your child off
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for having a meltdown probably my
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biggest tip
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you know i'm sure a few parents might
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butt heads over this maybe
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one parent will say no they need to be
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disciplined for this or
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they shouldn't spit on the floor they
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shouldn't do that but
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in that moment in time they are totally
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out of control and they're scared
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so the best thing we can do as parents
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is to just
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be there for them and you know i say to
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dylan when he's
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upset i i say i understand and i
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understand and
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one of my followers said to me you know
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just having someone understand them and
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understand
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what it might be like for them took off
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all the pressure
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and so the first time i i did that and i
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said to dylan
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it's okay i understand i understand
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i saw him just calm down a little bit
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recently his meltdowns have increased
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and this is for a number of reasons for
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our own personal point of view we've
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moved house he's left his friends we've
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changed school
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coverts happened lockdown's happened and
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he's been ill
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and like i said he's a preteen now he
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keeps telling me
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so he's got hormones he's noticing he's
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a bit different
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he's trying to figure out the world
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around him and whereas before
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as his mummy i could tell him everything
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was going to be okay
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and he would listen to that now he's
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getting a bit older
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he's now kind of questioning it like but
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mummy no but
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how but you can't fix that he's a smart
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kid our kids are smart
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never never underestimate them that's
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for sure and the first couple of
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meltdowns that dylan had
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recently i was on the floor crying as
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was andrew and we were both going
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what do we do here this isn't like a
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meltdown he happened he was two
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three four before i could hold him keep
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him safe
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keep him close to me now he's bigger if
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i
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go anywhere near him during a meltdown
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now he will hit me
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he will and he will lash out and he will
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spit and he will shout
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there's no point talking to him because
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if i talk to him when he's in
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a middle of a meltdown it's basically
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like this
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i could be saying i love you you're
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amazing and all he's hearing
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is and so there's no point
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really saying anything so the best thing
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that i learned was actually to say
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nothing at all
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was just to let the storm pass i
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sit in the corner of his room and
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he does he thrashes about and this takes
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a bit of practice
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it's taking me six months to do this so
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you can get there
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and then when he comes out of it and
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he's upset he asks me for cuddles
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and i hug him and he cries and then he
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says he's sorry
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you know i think that's the hardest
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thing is that when he's
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being frustrated he lashes out or he
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spits or he does something that he knows
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is not good behavior
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he's really apologetic and you know i'm
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always telling him it's okay i
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understand
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and maybe next time we shouldn't do that
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if your child is verbal i think
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when you know the time has passed and
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they're calmer it is quite good to say
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you know how can i help you
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you know what do you think we should do
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and so dylan and i together
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are coming up with things we can do you
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know he says oh mommy you don't think
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you should come near me if i'm angry
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i'm like okay do you want me to leave
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the room do you want me to stay he's
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like no i want you to stay
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and you know i'm i'm so thankful that
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dylan
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can tell me these things and this has
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taken years of us
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building up that bond and building up
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that trust
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that you know i can also figure out what
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he wants and i'm almost just
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reiterating what i know he feels and
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he's very good at telling me yes or no
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obviously you know we're talking about
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you know one of our children having a
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meltdown but
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i obviously have luca and naya what do i
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do to protect them
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and how do i tell them it was really
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difficult when luca was little
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my number one thing is also to protect
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him so again i would look out for the
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signs that maybe dylan was getting
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agitated and if i feel he's getting
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agitated
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you know his body language would change
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he would start to tense up i could feel
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him
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getting quite twitchy i would
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immediately put luca in front of a movie
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or an ipad don't care what anyone else
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says eye person movies are bloody
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brilliant when you need some help
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and more often than not i'm telling you
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by myself if i'm with andrew or if i
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have other people in the house
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i will say to them listen please take
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luca out of the house please take naya
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out of the house i need to deal with
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dylan
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and more recently the meltdowns are
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happening like that there's no warning
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he's just
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something will kick him off and he'll
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just blow and if your child is like that
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that's fine we can deal with it make
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sure your other children are safe
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i always tell luca listen dylan is
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really finding this hard right now mommy
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needs to go and be with him
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you know luke is seven now and now i'll
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say to him can you please take nia and
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go watch a movie
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and mommy's gonna give you big cuddles
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and i'm gonna give you chocolate
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afterwards but i need you to do this for
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me
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so once i know that luca and i are safe
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i am in a situation where i can also
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help dylan
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now like i said if i'm in the house by
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myself and dylan's having a meltdown
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and it can last sometimes for like 40
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minutes to an hour i can't obviously
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leave my 7-3 roll by themselves
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so i will sometimes go out of the room
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and i'll close the door i'll quickly
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check on them and i'll go back in again
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if things are getting really bad you
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know go to your neighbor
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you know phone a friend reach out to
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your community
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ask someone can they help look after the
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kids once the meltdown's finished and
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your child is
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settled i then go to
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lucca and i said like i know that was
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really hard for you to hear
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you know how are you feeling you know
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it's important to recognize your other
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children's feelings especially if
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they're older
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because a lot of the older children if
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their younger sibling has autism tend to
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hold it in quite a lot and can feel
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quite
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resentful scared upset
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angry as well so it's important to check
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in with them and see how they're feeling
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after
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an episode like that you know especially
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for us as well if we've been
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looking forward to going somewhere and
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i've got everything planned and we go to
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our destination
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if then has a meltdown and we've got to
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come back again they have to deal with
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those
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emotions you know like luca gets
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disappointed a lot
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we try and make it up with him with
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special days just for luka
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but it is important to check in with
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them ask them how they're doing for naya
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we keep the words very simple
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you know she's obviously younger than
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dylan you know dylan's a little bit sad
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right now but that's okay
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let them know that that is okay because
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guess what this is their life
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this is the card we've been dealt you
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know they have amazing time with dylan
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and i always tell luca you know he said
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to me recently he was like i really wish
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i just had a brother like you know his
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friend jody has you know i really wish
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my
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my brother was like that but then i'm
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like yeah but
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your friend's brother doesn't play with
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you like dylan does does he
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your other friend's brothers don't do
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this or don't do that which dylan does
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and he's like no that's right
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no i get that because the other thing is
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i don't want him to feel sorry for
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himself
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either because this is his life and we
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have to live life to the fullest
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and you know take everything we've been
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given and
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no one's life is perfect you know all
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your facebook friends who are posting
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photos of their perfect siblings a
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pumpkin patch picking pumpkins
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yeah we're not picking pumpkins this
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year but we're going to do something
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else that's special to us
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instead and for us we've you know we
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do get play therapy for luca which nai's
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probably gonna start
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soon too because i think it's really
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important for
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your other children to talk to someone
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who they trust
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through play with younger children you
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can really get to learn a lot more about
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them and we do have a
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episode on play therapy which you can
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check out as well i feel like i'm
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plugging my own series here but yeah you
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know we did that
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um for older children you know make sure
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you get special time with them
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reiterate it is hard for that child
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going through it and they don't mean to
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cause any harm
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and you know talk keep lines of
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communication open
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with your children older and younger and
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make sure everyone's okay and check in
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with your partner too
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you know because quite often the not
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after i've dealt with a meltdown i tend
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to shut down a little bit
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i think where we were six months ago was
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in a pretty bad space
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where i am now i feel like i'm better
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equipped to deal with it
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when he turns around to me and says
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mommy thank you for understanding
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thank you for just being there you know
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i know that i'm doing a good job
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and if your child doesn't say that to
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you they're thinking it
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they're feeling it and you're doing a
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great job
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and i think also it helps to know that
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we're all going through this you know
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all our children are different of course
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but i think the
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the common thread through all of this
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you know
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is the autism is the fact that most of
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us have experienced
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meltdowns and it is really reassuring to
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know that there are other parents out
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there going through the same thing
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and i'll be thinking of you guys next
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time i'm going through it and next time
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you guys go through it please think of
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me thinking the stuff that i'm saying
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what do you know what i say in my head
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when dylan's going through this meltdown
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just keep swimming just keep swimming i
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you know whatever mantra is going to get
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you through it um you know this too
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shall pass
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whatever it is just be calm and try and
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center yourself
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if you can afterwards cry take a bath
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i tend to fall asleep because i'm
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exhausted from it is it cold
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[Laughter]
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is it cold
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[Music]
00:13:54
i'm just happy to stand here in the sun
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i don't necessarily
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when i set up this channel i i set it up
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to help other people i wanted to help
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you guys
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and i love sharing our life with you and
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you're probably wondering
00:14:07
why or maybe you are wondering maybe
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you're not but why i don't
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show dylan's meltdowns i choose
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not to show these moments because a
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i don't think that's gonna help you
00:14:21
because you're dealing with your own
00:14:22
meltdowns the last thing you need to see
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is my child having a meltdown and the
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other big reason probably the biggest
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reason
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is that i'm protecting dylan you know
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dylan knows that i make these videos
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hi dylan i know you're watching he knows
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i make these videos he knows we do it to
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help other people
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he is very proud of the fact that he's
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autistic he's very proud of the fact
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he's part of this huge community
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he reads all your comments he loves
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reading them he loves when someone says
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oh dylan's amazing or whatever
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he loves that and that you know i want
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to show and i want to show
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the positive side of autism because
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there is so many positives
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as well as the not so positives but
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i feel it's just not necessary to show
00:15:07
his meltdowns and also he deserves that
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respect
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to not have that put on you know for the
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world to see
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so guys wow that was a
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mouthful of an episode but i hope you
00:15:21
found it helpful um if you guys have any
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tips on how you handle meltdowns please
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do
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comment below i love hearing your
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feedback i love hearing
00:15:31
how you handle things it's great for us
00:15:33
all to share
00:15:34
what works and what helps for us if
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you're autistic i have so many
00:15:38
fantastic autistic followers who give me
00:15:41
so much great advice
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and we love you and thank you siblings
00:15:46
i also have a lot of siblings who have
00:15:48
you know brothers or sisters who are
00:15:50
autistic we love hearing from you too
00:15:52
so please join in the conversation let's
00:15:54
get chatting
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let's help each other you know um
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anyway i think that's i think that's me
00:16:00
done for today
00:16:01
have a great day and we'll see you next
00:16:03
week bye
00:16:05
see you later bye bye
