How to KEEP YOUR COOL with women: the sandwich strategy

00:12:04
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DfIX0EVhNZY

概要

TLDRIn this discussion, Dr. Orion Taban offers insights into maintaining emotional control when dealing with women, especially in conflicts. He introduces the concept of 'weaponized intimacy,' where past vulnerabilities become subjects of attack during disagreements, and emphasizes the importance of not reacting defensively to prevent escalating tensions. The core strategy he proposes is the 'verbal sandwich' technique that involves mentally appending 'I feel' at the beginning and 'right now' at the end of a woman's emotional statements. This reframing helps recognize the emotions as temporary and not personal attacks. He encourages listeners to practice accurate reflection to communicate effectively and reduce confrontation. Furthermore, he suggests this technique applies equally to positive interactions to maintain emotional stability.

収穫

  • 🧠 Understand 'weaponized intimacy' and its impact on relationships.
  • 💡 Avoid defensiveness; it can escalate conflict.
  • 🥪 Use the 'verbal sandwich' to reframe emotional statements.
  • 🗣️ Accurate reflection helps de-escalate tensions.
  • 💬 Remember, emotions are temporary; frame them as such.
  • 🚫 Don't take emotional attacks personally; they reflect her feelings.
  • ❤️ Use the sandwich technique for positive statements too.
  • 🤝 Listening and reflecting can improve communication.
  • ⚖️ Emotional regulation is key during conflicts.
  • ✍️ Consider discussing issues after emotions settle.

タイムライン

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    Dr. Orion Taban discusses strategies for managing emotional interactions with women, particularly during conflicts. He explains that emotional pain often arises from personal vulnerabilities being weaponized in arguments. Acknowledging that accountability for feelings should not fall on the man, he emphasizes the importance of maintaining emotional control during confrontations to prevent regretful responses. He advises against defensiveness, as it may escalate conflict, and stresses the need for men to learn techniques for calming interactions amidst hostility, outlined as emotional survival tactics.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:12:04

    Taban introduces the concept of a 'verbal sandwich' — a technique where men can reframe women's statements by appending 'I feel' at the beginning and 'right now' at the end of what they say. This approach helps realize that any emotional statements stem from current feelings rather than solid truths, thus promoting understanding. He also underlines the significance of accurate reflection during emotional discussions to de-escalate tension, ensuring that feelings are recognized without the need for immediate agreement or validation.

マインドマップ

ビデオQ&A

  • What is 'weaponized intimacy'?

    Weaponized intimacy refers to the use of personal vulnerabilities shared in trust against someone during arguments.

  • How can men keep their cool with women during disagreements?

    Men can keep their cool by using a verbal sandwich technique, framing women's statements with 'I feel' and 'right now'.

  • Why should men avoid being defensive during conflicts?

    Defensiveness often validates the attacker's perspective, escalating the situation further.

  • What is the significance of accurate reflection in communication?

    Accurate reflection helps individuals feel heard, which can de-escalate emotionally charged situations.

  • How should men respond to positive emotional statements from women?

    Men should apply the 'verbal sandwich' by appending 'I feel' and 'right now' to positive statements as well.

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  • 00:00:00
    I'm Dr Orion taban and this is psycha
  • 00:00:03
    Better Living Through psychology and the
  • 00:00:05
    topic of today's short talk is how to
  • 00:00:07
    keep your cool with women so this is
  • 00:00:09
    what I call an emotional survival tactic
  • 00:00:13
    it will get you through the toughest
  • 00:00:14
    moments of a disagreeable interaction
  • 00:00:16
    with a woman relatively
  • 00:00:19
    unscathed now one of the obvious reasons
  • 00:00:22
    why people hurt the ones they love is
  • 00:00:24
    that they have access to their
  • 00:00:26
    vulnerabilities almost every man has had
  • 00:00:29
    the experience of something he shared
  • 00:00:31
    with his woman in trust and confidence
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    being used against him in a quarrel
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    months even years later I call this
  • 00:00:40
    weaponized intimacy and it is done to
  • 00:00:42
    inflict a concentrated amount of
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    emotional pain for a variety of reasons
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    women's attacks can also take the form
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    of hurtful and untrue statements things
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    like you don't love me or I hate you or
  • 00:00:58
    you never cared for me at all
  • 00:01:00
    Etc now leaving aside the entire
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    question as to why you're in a
  • 00:01:05
    relationship with a disrespectful woman
  • 00:01:07
    who talks to you in this way which has
  • 00:01:09
    been the subject of other
  • 00:01:11
    episodes this episode is about how to
  • 00:01:14
    get through this particular moment when
  • 00:01:17
    a woman is personally attacking you
  • 00:01:20
    without making your situation any worse
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    than it already is this is because if
  • 00:01:25
    you the man get suckered into her anger
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    it's probably not going to end well for
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    you not only do you surrender your
  • 00:01:33
    emotional control and become
  • 00:01:35
    disregulated which is not a very
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    pleasant experience you are much more
  • 00:01:39
    likely to say and do things in Anger
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    that you might ultimately regret and
  • 00:01:44
    their consequences might long outlive
  • 00:01:48
    this particular unpleasant
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    interaction so when you're dealing with
  • 00:01:53
    an actively hostile woman the first rule
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    of thumb is to not make your situation
  • 00:01:59
    even worse
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    and guys often make the situation even
  • 00:02:03
    worse by becoming
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    defensive defensiveness is tricky
  • 00:02:08
    because it basically acknowledges the
  • 00:02:11
    reality of a valid attack so it kind of
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    admits that there is at least some
  • 00:02:17
    degree of Truth to what she is saying
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    that must therefore be responded to so
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    defensiveness unfortunately tends to
  • 00:02:25
    validate the perspective of the attacker
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    which generally
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    emboldens attackers for example if a
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    woman says something like you don't love
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    me most men will start listing out
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    counterfactuals that disprove the
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    assertion like what are you talking
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    about I gave you the ring the house the
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    car I put up with your parents every
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    Thanksgiving and I took you to the
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    Bahamas just last month how could you
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    possibly think that so men who do this
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    are functionally trying to prove their
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    innocence which of course is only really
  • 00:03:01
    necessary in the face of a grounded
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    accusation just like how running away
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    from certain animals triggers their
  • 00:03:10
    Predator Instinct and they will come to
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    see you as prey as a result becoming
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    defensive in response to others
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    accusations triggers their aggression
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    which can create a nasty positive
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    feedback loop so rather than become
  • 00:03:25
    defensive men need to learn to keep
  • 00:03:28
    their cool with women and I'm going to
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    share with you how I've been able to do
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    this albeit imperfectly I can tell you
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    that this emotional survival tactic has
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    saved my life and it might even save
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    your life one day as well I guarantee
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    that you can perform this tactic right
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    now as you are with no special training
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    necessary here it is no matter what
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    woman you're dealing with a and no
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    matter what a woman tells you to you to
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    the extent that she becomes
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    emotional you need to mentally create a
  • 00:04:06
    verbal sandwich around her words that
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    means you're going to add something to
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    the beginning of what she says and add
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    something to the end of what she says
  • 00:04:16
    we'll do the beginning part first and
  • 00:04:18
    the end part second but before we go any
  • 00:04:21
    further if you're liking what you're
  • 00:04:22
    hearing please consider sending this
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    video to someone who might benefit from
  • 00:04:25
    its message because it's Word of Mouth
  • 00:04:27
    referrals like this that really helped
  • 00:04:28
    make the channel grow
  • 00:04:30
    you can also hit the thanks button and
  • 00:04:33
    tip me in proportion to the value you
  • 00:04:35
    feel you've derived from this episode I
  • 00:04:39
    rely on your support to make all of this
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    happen I really appreciate it I will
  • 00:04:43
    also soon be starting a Weekly
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    Newsletter so if you want to opt in you
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    can do so on my website and if you're
  • 00:04:50
    thinking of going to grad school check
  • 00:04:52
    out my toprated gr self-study program at
  • 00:04:55
    Stellar
  • 00:04:57
    g.com okay let's get to it
  • 00:05:01
    the first thing that you have to
  • 00:05:02
    mentally append to the beginning of a
  • 00:05:04
    woman's statements are the words I
  • 00:05:08
    feel I feel no matter what she says you
  • 00:05:12
    need to mentally put the words I feel at
  • 00:05:16
    the beginning you don't love me which is
  • 00:05:19
    probably not an accurate statement and
  • 00:05:22
    motivates men to correct this inaccuracy
  • 00:05:25
    through defensiveness becomes I feel you
  • 00:05:28
    don't love me
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    which could very well be a true
  • 00:05:33
    statement that accurately reflects her
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    emotional reality you're a terrible
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    person becomes I feel you're a terrible
  • 00:05:40
    person I hate you becomes I feel I hate
  • 00:05:43
    you which though hard to hear emphasizes
  • 00:05:46
    the transient nature of the hate Etc and
  • 00:05:49
    of course this is very likely what she
  • 00:05:51
    is actually attempting to say however
  • 00:05:54
    people in general become less effective
  • 00:05:55
    communicators when they become emotional
  • 00:05:58
    and they tend to leave those parts out
  • 00:06:00
    the point is that by adding these words
  • 00:06:03
    it's easier to remember that you're not
  • 00:06:06
    actually dealing with a personal attack
  • 00:06:08
    but a confession of her emotional state
  • 00:06:12
    and you can't really argue with that
  • 00:06:15
    like that is how she feels which means
  • 00:06:18
    that it's completely true that she feels
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    that you don't love her or that she
  • 00:06:23
    feels that you're a terrible person Etc
  • 00:06:26
    and really what is the point in arguing
  • 00:06:29
    about something that is obviously true
  • 00:06:32
    remembering that this uncomfortable
  • 00:06:34
    moment is actually a confession of her
  • 00:06:36
    emotional state and is therefore a true
  • 00:06:38
    reflection of her feelings can help you
  • 00:06:41
    not get bent out of shape in that moment
  • 00:06:44
    what's
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    more like what's it to you like she has
  • 00:06:50
    a right to feel whatever she wants to
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    feel she's a full-grown adult if she
  • 00:06:55
    wants to feel angry and vindictive and
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    hateful that's her right I mean I I
  • 00:07:01
    wouldn't choose those things for myself
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    I don't prefer to feel that way but if a
  • 00:07:05
    woman wants to feel those things for
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    some reason I'm not going to stop her if
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    for no other reason that I'm not
  • 00:07:12
    interested in assuming responsibility
  • 00:07:14
    for how another grown adult feels like
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    I'll be responsible for me because I
  • 00:07:20
    alone am in a position to respond to the
  • 00:07:22
    precursors of my emotions and you'll be
  • 00:07:24
    responsible for you of course if those
  • 00:07:27
    feelings give way to angry vindictive
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    and hateful Behavior that's another
  • 00:07:32
    story but if she wants to feel those
  • 00:07:35
    unpleasant emotions then let her you
  • 00:07:38
    can't really stop her anyway in any case
  • 00:07:41
    appending the words I feel to her words
  • 00:07:44
    will help you to remember that you're
  • 00:07:45
    dealing with an emotional confession as
  • 00:07:47
    opposed to say a declaration about
  • 00:07:50
    reality all right and what about the
  • 00:07:52
    second part of the sandwich the other
  • 00:07:55
    slice of bread that you mentally append
  • 00:07:57
    to the end of whatever she says are the
  • 00:08:00
    words right
  • 00:08:02
    now right now and this makes sense
  • 00:08:06
    because if you're dealing with an
  • 00:08:07
    emotional confession well those feelings
  • 00:08:09
    are going to change maybe in as little
  • 00:08:12
    as an hour or two they're going to be
  • 00:08:14
    completely different this means that you
  • 00:08:16
    don't necessarily have to understand
  • 00:08:18
    what she's saying to be an objective
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    observation of a reality that is
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    permanent and endar enduring definitely
  • 00:08:26
    not endearing a reality that's permanent
  • 00:08:29
    and
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    enduring you don't love me becomes I
  • 00:08:33
    feel that you don't love me right now I
  • 00:08:36
    hate you becomes I feel that I hate you
  • 00:08:39
    right now you're a terrible person
  • 00:08:41
    becomes I feel that you're a terrible
  • 00:08:43
    person right now appending these words
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    at the end of what she says will help
  • 00:08:47
    you remember that you're dealing with an
  • 00:08:49
    ephemeral phenomenon so you don't
  • 00:08:51
    necessarily have to do anything or say
  • 00:08:54
    anything to keep that necessarily
  • 00:08:58
    transitory emotion state in existence
  • 00:09:00
    longer than it absolutely needs to be
  • 00:09:02
    and you will absolutely increase its
  • 00:09:05
    lifespan if you choose to engage with it
  • 00:09:07
    in kind and at face
  • 00:09:10
    value and how can you escape this
  • 00:09:13
    uncomfortable situation even more
  • 00:09:15
    quickly than non-engagement I'm so happy
  • 00:09:18
    you asked the answer is accurate
  • 00:09:22
    reflection accurate reflection is such
  • 00:09:24
    an underrated communication tactic
  • 00:09:27
    especially if you're looking to
  • 00:09:28
    deescalate
  • 00:09:29
    an emotionally charged situation when
  • 00:09:31
    people don't feel heard they get louder
  • 00:09:35
    and more
  • 00:09:37
    aggressive on the other hand when people
  • 00:09:39
    do feel heard they tend to get quieter
  • 00:09:42
    and more reasonable so what does this
  • 00:09:44
    look like well if your woman were to say
  • 00:09:47
    you don't love me one effective response
  • 00:09:50
    might be to say something like you feel
  • 00:09:52
    that I don't love
  • 00:09:54
    you that's it she might then say yeah
  • 00:09:58
    because you never help out around the
  • 00:10:00
    house and you can then respond you think
  • 00:10:03
    I don't help out around the
  • 00:10:04
    house like Don't Be Clever keep it that
  • 00:10:08
    simple three or four of these exchanges
  • 00:10:11
    are enough to take the heat out of
  • 00:10:13
    almost any interaction and keep in mind
  • 00:10:15
    that reflection is not agreement it's
  • 00:10:19
    not approval and it's not a commitment
  • 00:10:22
    all you're basically doing with
  • 00:10:23
    reflection is communicating message
  • 00:10:26
    received and this works because people
  • 00:10:29
    generally don't persist in sending
  • 00:10:32
    duplicate messages now once the emotion
  • 00:10:35
    is gone you might want to consider
  • 00:10:37
    discussing what happened and addressing
  • 00:10:39
    any underlying issues but now is not the
  • 00:10:42
    time to do that for the time being just
  • 00:10:44
    focus on getting out of this escalating
  • 00:10:48
    exchange and o one final note it's
  • 00:10:52
    actually also important for men to
  • 00:10:54
    append these words to women's positive
  • 00:10:57
    emotionality as well well this is going
  • 00:11:00
    to hurt but when a woman says I love you
  • 00:11:05
    or you're the most amazing man I've ever
  • 00:11:08
    met you need to add the sandwich I love
  • 00:11:12
    you becomes I feel I love you right now
  • 00:11:16
    you're the most amazing man I've ever
  • 00:11:18
    met becomes I feel you're the most
  • 00:11:20
    amazing man I've ever met right
  • 00:11:23
    now I understand that this might be hard
  • 00:11:26
    to hear but mentally adding these words
  • 00:11:29
    to the beginning and end of a woman's
  • 00:11:31
    emotional statements will help you keep
  • 00:11:33
    your feet firmly planted on the ground
  • 00:11:35
    where they
  • 00:11:36
    belong this will allow you to assess the
  • 00:11:38
    reality of the claim and wait its
  • 00:11:41
    significance
  • 00:11:43
    appropriately what do you think does
  • 00:11:44
    this fit with your own experience let me
  • 00:11:46
    know in the comments below and if you've
  • 00:11:48
    gotten this far you might as well like
  • 00:11:49
    this episode And subscribe to this
  • 00:11:50
    channel you may also consider becoming a
  • 00:11:52
    channel member with perks like the
  • 00:11:54
    priority review of comments or booking a
  • 00:11:57
    paid consultation as always
  • 00:12:00
    thank you for
  • 00:12:02
    listening
タグ
  • emotional control
  • communication
  • relationships
  • conflict resolution
  • verbal sandwich
  • weaponized intimacy
  • defensiveness
  • emotional reflection
  • women's emotions
  • aggression management