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I made YouTube videos fulltime for about
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three years it was something that I feel
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like came very naturally to me and I
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loved doing it for a really long time
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and it was basically my identity for a
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big chunk of My Life um and and in the
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past six months I have for the first
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time completely
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stopped making videos I've been spending
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the last few months trying to figure out
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how to go back into doing this in a way
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that's comfortable for me and so this
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video is kind of a way for me to explain
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where I'm at what my future plans are
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for YouTube and it is also sort of
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another attempt for me to overcome
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something that I'm really struggling
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with if you're watching this then you're
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probably aware but last year I made some
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really bad mistakes with my platform I
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was uh criticized a lot and I was under
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a lot of public scrutiny for it and even
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though a lot of problems that I had with
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the platform were pre-existing before
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this controversy this is what kind of
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caused me to finally I guess face the
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unhealthy relationship that I had with
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my job I was pretty reckless with the
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things that I said and the things I
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posted and for a long time it was really
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hard for me to face that criticism
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headon it took me a long time to
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actually listen to what people were
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saying to me because it was really hard
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for me to actually look at the things
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that people were saying about me online
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in the first place and so I just ignored
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it for a really long time even though
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the way I posted content was already in
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a bad place before these things happened
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I ended up developing an even worse
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relationship with my job because I had
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horrible reactions looking at hate
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comments and what people would say about
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me online it's still something that I'm
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not numb to I I see it on an accident a
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lot and it still something that affects
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me pretty heavily even deciding to make
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this video and be honest about how hard
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it did hit me it is still hard to not be
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embarrassed or sound like I am
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victimizing myself for being unable to
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post videos because of my own actions
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but because it's kind of completely
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brought me to a standstill with posting
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content the purpose of this video is
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just for me to be completely open with
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my audience about how this has sort of
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changed my life since it's been really
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hard for me to talk about and properly
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uh
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explain how things are changing I guess
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and after months and months of hiding
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from making and posting videos my
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anxiety had closely attached itself to
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my ability to create videos and to
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really do anything that has to do with
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my job making those mistakes in front of
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so many people and seeing the way that
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the backlash affected my friends and my
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family and myself it added to the
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already very intense feelings that I had
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around the situation that I found myself
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in and months ago I realized how bad it
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really was you know being in the
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environment shooting videos in my office
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being around friends that I met through
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the internet talking and reaching out to
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my close friends and family members
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about how I'm doing and even my
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relationship being with somebody that is
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online and who has been affected by this
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it has really Frozen me in a way that
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nothing really has before and it ended
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up affecting really every part of my
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life and it became even harder to talk
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about because of how much embarrassment
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I have around the fact that I brought
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these things on myself
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a lot of the advice that people give you
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when you find yourself in this
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scenario is to keep pushing ahead so
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people forget about all the [ __ ] you did
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in the past and people constantly try to
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remind you that the things that people
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say about you online are not the way
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that like reality is and the way that
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people actually feel about you but
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that's not really something that is easy
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to believe when you see the criticism
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face first and you also believe
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that you did something very wrong I
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continued to find myself in this Loop of
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trying to figure out how to put myself
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back out there in a way that was healthy
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but feeling all of that anxiety and
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shame it didn't really feel like a
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controversy that I could bounce back
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from like I've seen with other creators
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it's not something that I can easily
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block out I just
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I hold on to a lot of the mistakes I
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make and I think about them every day
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and even though I know that I'm growing
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and I know I want to move on and I want
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to do things in a better way I also know
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that a lot of people wouldn't care if I
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didn't do that and um and that's a hard
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thing to accept when your job is
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constantly being affirmed by strangers
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online who want to see what you're doing
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and again I caused these things to
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happen myself and the people around me
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so it's even more embarrassing for me to
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finally just kind of talk about it
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because I can't really bring myself to
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talk about anything else and as time
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moved on I continued to struggle finding
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the confidence to do what I was doing
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before and the pressure of knowing that
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this is the way that I also support
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myself and that this
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is the hell I'm shooting this while
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fireworks are going off on the 4th of
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July and I've never really struggled
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with anxiety like I have in this way
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this like
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all-encompassing way where because this
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is like my career and it's what I
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envisioned myself doing when I don't
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have hope that that is working out
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there's nothing else to distract me
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every facet of my life becomes sort of
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taken over by this anxiety that I don't
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know what I'm going to do with my life
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if I never get over this and I can't
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post videos again and it was a journey
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even making this video which is kind of
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been another effort
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to just try to get myself comfortable
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doing it again and figuring out how to
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do it in the way that I did it when I
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first started doing YouTube I loved
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making videos because I was talking to a
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community and there felt like there was
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an exchange there of an audience and and
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someone who was creating something for a
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group of people and I think now more
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than ever I've felt the disconnect
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between myself and that
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audience and it's a really isolating
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thing especially when it's something
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that came so naturally to me for such a
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long time and to find myself with so
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much anxiety even making this video
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right now it's a very scary thing to
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realize me trying to overcome this has
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been something that's been going on for
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a while I actually spent weeks working
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on this video that I wanted to put out
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on the day that I left for tour and
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spent all these days worrying about it
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leading up to it um and I never ended up
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putting it out I left home for a month
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and I had a lot of time to process away
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from creating videos um but when I came
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back thinking that things might be
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different I found it even harder somehow
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I tried making a different video similar
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to this just yesterday and it took me so
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long to build up the courage to actually
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even hit record and I sat there for 2
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hours just trying to find the words of
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what is on my mind and how I can convey
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that in a way that like resonates with
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people and even after spending all day
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trying to prepare myself to do something
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as simple as just like yapping to the
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camera for an hour um I could not bring
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myself to get past the first couple
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minutes and I and I gave up and decided
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to try it again today with a little bit
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more of a script anyways I yapped a lot
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but I want to talk about the reason why
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I'm making this video I came up with the
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idea of trying to post lower Stakes
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content that is easier for me to just
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talk about in an organic way and if I
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can just get myself more comfortable
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posting these Quick videos that don't
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take as much effort then it might be
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easier for me Jesus there's so many
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fireworks Works outside I just want to
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talk about stuff that I like and I feel
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like for a long time I talked about
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stuff that the algorithm wanted me to
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talk about and I want to do what I
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originally liked doing on YouTube which
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is just getting on camera and talking
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about things I care about whether it's
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21 Pilots or scary storytelling
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YouTubers or crumble
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cookie
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anything just put it
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online that's my issue is I can't I
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can't finalize something and put it out
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there anymore and I knew that in order
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to just get back and make videos as if
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nothing happened I would need to
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confront and talk openly
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about what's going on with me right now
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it is something that's currently
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affecting me so much more than I'd like
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to admit or that I think people would
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ever really realize because of what's
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happened I've experienced so much growth
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and I've put myself in so many situ
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where I've challenged the things I
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believe in the kind of person I am and
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so it has brought me to a point where I
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feel
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like I can be a person that I'm proud to
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be but at the same time the way that my
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anxiety is so connected to this job and
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my relationship with the internet and an
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audience uh it's made
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things very complicated hated and so I
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want to start making content and
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interacting with an audience who's
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interested in me talking about the
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things I love and I want to make it feel
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like it used to when I first started it
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before I feel like my judgment was so
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skewed by the way I looked at YouTube in
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the way my videos performed in the way I
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was perceived as a creator online I had
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such an unhealthy relationship with all
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these things and it took something big
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like this happening to have me
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re-evaluate all of it I wouldn't go back
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and change anything because I know that
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I'm so different now and I approach
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things so differently than I did a year
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ago and if I didn't find myself under so
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much criticism and I didn't find myself
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in a situation where I had to stop
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posting I don't think I would have
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changed I don't think I would have been
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doing things differently I think I would
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have just carried on making the same
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kind of videos saying the same types of
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things about people trying to ly
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outperform myself and game the algorithm
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and have this sort of competitive
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outlook on it it caused me to stop
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enjoying YouTube altogether is something
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that I enjoyed as like a creative output
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for myself it became this stressor that
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that felt like it was always Weighing on
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me unless things performed the best they
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possibly could for months I was living
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at home and struggling so hard trying to
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figure out how I was going to continue
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moving through life when I lost so much
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of what I felt like made me who I am and
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just last month that timeline of just
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being at home and ruminating and
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everything that happened finally stopped
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because I left home for a month and I
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just got back I was on tour with my band
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and that ended up being an experience
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that completely
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changed the way I feel about what I want
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to do with my life and the way I feel
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about entertainment and performance and
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I got to meet a lot of people who
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reminded me why I love doing what I do
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and who especially helped me realize
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that there are so many more things I
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want to
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accomplish within entertainment and and
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who I am and what I do I felt that
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Community again that I had when I first
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started YouTube and it reminded me how
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much it made me happy before it felt
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like all of those views and that
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audience turned into this thing that I
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had to maximize to make myself feel good
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does any of that make sense I feel like
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I'm yapping a lot and it doesn't make
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sense but I have to commit to making
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this video because I don't know I'm
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running out of ideas and so I want to
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try this out and there's a lot of stuff
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I want to talk about that I haven't had
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the chance to talk about online and I
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want to stop putting
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the pressure of making some big video
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that's going to perform really well I
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just want to make something that I care
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about and talk about something I care
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about for an audience of people who are
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still there to support me I also have
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been wanting to stream again lately and
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I think that on this channel I might
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begin to do that um but back when I
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first started doing YouTube full-time
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streaming was my favorite thing in the
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world and I had such a great community
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and when that audience got bigger and
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bigger things changed and that that
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connection changed and I haven't been
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able to love it the same way I did a few
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years ago and so I think I may go back
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to that and if that's something that
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people are interested in I want to just
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talk to people and interact with an
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audience and enjoy being on the internet
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again and who knows if that's going to
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happen but I don't think I'm done trying
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just yet even if there are so many days
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where I feel like I might never be able
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to do this the same way again I met a
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lot of people on tour who were there
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since the very beginning and who would
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tell me about how they watched my videos
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from so long ago and it feels like
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things are so different than they were
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when I first started YouTube and it's
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really hard for me to see how different
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my relationship has changed with all of
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these things and it's sad that I've
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watched that love for
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creating slowly dissipate
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and I think think that I want to
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continue to try to make it work I don't
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necessarily deserve a second chance I
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don't really think I deserve people's
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trust but I do want to love doing this
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again in a healthy way and I feel like I
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have a different perspective that I want
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to share with the world and
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so I think I'm going to try it and if
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people are interested in seeing what I
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want to talk about then I would
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appreciate that and I will hopefully
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continue to make videos at least on this
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channel sharing dumb [ __ ] I'm very
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thankful for the people watching who
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have enjoyed the content I've made in
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the past and who are still interested in
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seeing what I may do in the future
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especially if you disagreed with the
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things I said and you were disappointed
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in how I've acted online in the past I
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appreciate that there are people out
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there who still are cheering me on and
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who are still
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interested in what I have to say it is
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very humbling for me to be in a position
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where I am talking about this thing I'm
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struggling with um in such an open way
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and it's not something that I'm
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comfortable with doing but I don't know
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I I think I want things to change and
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even though I I have a lot clearer of a
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vision of what I want to do with my life
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after tour I know that part of that
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Vision involves me connecting with the
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community again and so I'm going to try
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my very best to make that happen and I
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appreciate it if you are coming along
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for the journey that's it that's all I
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got to say thank you for watching maybe
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I'll be back soon with another video
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appreciate you all bye-bye
