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so a few years ago I was facilitating a
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workshop inside of a level three Men's
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prison right here in
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California often times we had about 70
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participants men serving sentences
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anywhere between 3 to 38
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years as we begin our
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Workshop like any good Workshop start
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with an activity the activity that we
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started with is known as cross the line
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might be familiar with it but the way it
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works is I ask a question and if it
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resonates then a participant steps
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forward and cross the
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line the question that I
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asked was to step forward and cross the
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line if you were currently serving a
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sentence from a crime that you committed
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that took you 60 Seconds or
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less an overwhelming amount of
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participants took a step forward and not
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just one of the trainings but in every
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one of
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them
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wow I was
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astonished in less than 60 seconds these
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men had lost so many years of their
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lives and they've also created
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victims and they've impacted their own
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families and communities
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all because they couldn't
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pause and were most likely acting in
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alignment with what they think it is to
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be a real
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man see I grew up right here in
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Englewood and Inglewood like many cities
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across the country has been impacted by
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that invisible yet potent misconception
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of masculinity and what it means to be a
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real
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man culturally we perpetuate this
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through music
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entertainment all influenc in how men
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and boys view masculinity and what it
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means to be a real man now sadly I've
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lost too many of my own loved ones due
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to this
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misconception folks fueled by anger
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jealousy and a lack of
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self-accountability
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it was the murder of my two best friends
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and my
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cousin Robert Gary Jackson
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Jr Trayvon Williams Tyrone Tucker
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Jr that really propelled me to become a
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healthy manhood and masculinity Advocate
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and to go on to found the Giants Den
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leadership Network for inspired black
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men and boys where we Foster emotionally
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intelligent leaders who also actively
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engag in their
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communities but this ain't how it
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started before I was known for this work
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before I found my passion for supporting
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black men and boys I was known and
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celebrated for my aggression on the
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football field and also known for these
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hands I was the guy who wanted to fight
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once folks start making one too many
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jokes in fact I also I often wanted to
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fight whenever I felt
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disrespected which is okay in my
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community because in my community it was
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okay and it was celebrated for young men
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to have short fuses and to be
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emotionally
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immature I was taught that disrespect
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needed to be responded to with violence
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that's how real man dealt with it and to
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walk away or try to talk through a
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situation made you scared or weak and
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could lead to a shameful reputation
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so I follow suit when I was 20 years
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old took a two-hour Drive in the middle
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of the night to get into a fight because
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I had felt
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disrespected but in my reflection I
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recognized that it wasn't disrespect
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that I was feeling it was
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insecurity because two hours is a long
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time to stay mad you know I mean like
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you have to really be working at this
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mad stuff so how does one sustain anger
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for a two-hour
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ride I'm telling myself one-sided
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stories that justify what I'm about to
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do adding fuel to my fire letting my
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anger boil because the narrative that
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I'm sharing is allowing me to feel like
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I'm Justified so I take this two-hour
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Drive in the middle of the
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night I get into the
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fight and I was doing what I thought it
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meant to be a real man
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but the consequences of that night
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actually led me to a felony assault
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charge a felony and I wasn't the worst
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part I wasn't able to see my daughter
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for the next three and a half
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years not because I was
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tough I got a felony because I had my
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feelings hurt and I didn't have the
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emotional management skills to respond
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differently at the time see our
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community doesn't teach men and boys
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conflict resolution skills
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in fact when I came up I learned
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conflict escalation skills how to pop
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off right and I understand all the
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things that happened in our past and in
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the community in the world that LEDs to
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that has led to these conditions and
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those valuable lessons that weren't
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taught to many of us but after bumping
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my head after doing my work I've
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realized the
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import of men having actual emotional
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management
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skills having emot management skills not
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only to be a nice person but to avoid
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life-altering
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situations like going down that
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treacherous path of mass
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incarceration substance abuse domestic
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violence a strained family
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relationships and stati statistically
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speaking dying early but I want to give
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some tools that could have been a game
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changer for me in my situation and if
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you're someone who is still currently
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being impacted and influenced by by that
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invisible yet potent misconception of
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manhood and masculinity hopefully it can
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help you to avoid some of these life
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altering situations as
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well the first thing I recognize
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is I ask guys how they doing they say
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I'm cool I'm straight you know another
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day not often having the language to
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pinpoint an actual emotion so what you
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see up here is the fings wheel you can
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Google this you can find it anywhere but
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the fing the fings will actually gives
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us some language to identify and
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pinpoint where we might be in our
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emotions I'll ask you how you're doing
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somebody might say oh this is what
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happened to me today that is a story and
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that is not a feeling all right so
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wanted to really provide a tool to we
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can say I'm feeling depressed I'm
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feeling angry I'm feeling happy I'm
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ecstatic I'm
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overwhelmed there's a tool that was
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created by beam which is the black
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emotional mental health colle itive that
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really helps with
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deescalation and this tool is a strategy
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called pause now pause is an acronym and
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I'll break down each letter for you and
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hopefully it sticks and it's something
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that you can share with your communities
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as well the first letter is
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p pay
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attention think about a time that you
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were
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angry might have been recently might
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have been a while ago but what were the
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type of thoughts that consumed your mind
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were they positive or they
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negative most likely they were negative
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which kind of sustained your anger how
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was your body
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feeling were you tensing your
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shoulders were you forgetting to take
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that deep breath was your heart rate
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sped up these are all signs that our
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bodies are sharing with us to let us
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know that we're in an escalated State
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what story what narrative are we sharing
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with ourselves
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because what we're
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thinking impacts how we're feeling and
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how we feel impacts how we
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behave but if we don't have the language
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to identify how we're feeling it could
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be hard to avoid that behavior that can
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really shift our
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lives so pay
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attention the next one is to act uh
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assess assess what's actually activating
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you what is this was it a tone of voice
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do you feel like you weren't being heard
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what is it that was said done what is it
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about the environment that is activating
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you you might call it a
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trigger do you know what your triggers
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are do you know the environments the
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people the things that activate
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you that's a great place to start
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because if we know what activates us
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maybe we can avoid those life alter
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situations the next letter is
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you understand
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understand the roots of our
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feelings in my life I
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recognized that there's a voice in my
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head often judging my judging me telling
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me what to do leading me and somewhere
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along my journey I recognized that
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that's not actually my
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voice so whose voice is
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it that's guiding you in your
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decisions is that a parent is that a
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teacher is it a overse older sibling is
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it a bully from third
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grade what is the root of this feeling
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where is it coming from what values of
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yours might feel like they're being
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compromised in this moment because if we
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can
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identify the
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root we can get to the actual cause of
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this and we're not so
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susceptible to popping off all right
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next letter is s set boundaries separate
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yourself ensure safe
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safety I know
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sometime I don't want to walk away we
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going to handle this right now I've
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never known that to be the
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best idea to be calm to be cool to walk
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away into a safe environment so that
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you're ensuring safety for everyone
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that's what a real man
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does it's not only about me sharing with
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you how I'm feeling and what I'm doing
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and trying to convey my perspective but
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it's also about ensuring safety for
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everyone who's in this space and that
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might mean stepping away and coming back
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when cooler heads
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prevail the last one is e to
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empathize how are other people
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experiencing
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me what point were they trying to get
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across how am I contributing to
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escalating this entire
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situation because the truth of the
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matter is when there's dis dis
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agreements there's
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misunderstanding and if we can just
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pause and try to consider what the other
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people are trying to convey to us it can
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avoid a lot of those life altering
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situations being a real man isn't about
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dominating others being a real man isn't
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about proving to other folks that we are
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what we naturally
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are but a real man takes time to think
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about the impacts of their decisions to
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think about the folks who are being
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impacted by their words their thoughts
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their
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behaviors a real man takes a
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pause thank
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[Applause]
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you
