Why You Act Like *THAT* In Your Relationships (And How To Fix It) | Attachment Style Deep Dive!

00:44:27
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVCCAVLIF6U

概要

TLDRIn this video, Charlotte explores the concept of attachment styles and their impact on relationships, particularly focusing on insecure attachment styles. She explains how these styles can lead to feelings of neglect or suffocation in relationships and emphasizes the importance of understanding and healing these patterns. The video introduces the idea of attunement, which involves being present and responsive to a partner's emotions, and provides strategies for individuals with different attachment styles to improve their relationships. Charlotte highlights the significance of self-awareness and mindfulness in addressing attachment-related issues, encouraging viewers to engage in practices that foster emotional connection and healing.

収穫

  • 💔 Insecure attachment styles can lead to feelings of neglect or suffocation in relationships.
  • 🧠 Understanding your attachment style is crucial for personal growth and relationship health.
  • 🤝 Attunement involves being present and responsive to your partner's emotions.
  • 🌱 Healing from insecure attachment requires self-awareness and mindfulness practices.
  • 📚 Reading about attachment styles can provide valuable insights and actionable steps for healing.
  • 💬 Open communication is key to navigating attachment-related issues in relationships.
  • 🧘‍♀️ Mindfulness helps individuals recognize and manage their emotional responses.
  • 🔄 Attachment styles can change over time with effort and awareness.
  • 👶 Childhood experiences significantly shape attachment styles and emotional responses.
  • 💖 Secure attachment fosters healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

タイムライン

  • 00:00:00 - 00:05:00

    The video discusses the impact of attachment styles on relationships, particularly focusing on insecure attachment styles. It highlights how individuals may feel ignored or overwhelmed in their relationships due to their attachment styles, which stem from childhood experiences and temperament.

  • 00:05:00 - 00:10:00

    The speaker introduces herself and emphasizes the importance of understanding attachment styles for personal growth and healing. She encourages viewers to engage with her content and mentions resources for further learning about attachment styles.

  • 00:10:00 - 00:15:00

    The speaker explains that attachment styles influence how individuals handle emotions, intimacy, and conflict in relationships. She notes that insecure attachment styles can lead to unhealthy dynamics, while secure attachment is the goal for healthy relationships.

  • 00:15:00 - 00:20:00

    The video outlines the characteristics of secure attachment, emphasizing that securely attached individuals have a strong sense of self and do not take their partner's behavior personally. They can express emotions without escalating conflicts, leading to healthier interactions.

  • 00:20:00 - 00:25:00

    The speaker categorizes insecure attachment styles into three types: avoidant, anxious, and disorganized. She explains the behaviors associated with each type, including avoidance of emotions, escalation of conflict, and a combination of both.

  • 00:25:00 - 00:30:00

    The video delves deeper into the avoidant attachment style, discussing two subtypes: those who fear ego insult and those who fear ego obliteration. The speaker describes how these individuals may react defensively or withdraw from emotional engagement.

  • 00:30:00 - 00:35:00

    The speaker then discusses anxious attachment, explaining how these individuals often escalate emotions and conflict in an attempt to gain connection. They may react strongly to perceived neglect and struggle with self-regulation.

  • 00:35:00 - 00:44:27

    Finally, the video addresses healing from insecure attachment styles, emphasizing the importance of attunement, mindfulness, and self-awareness. The speaker provides practical strategies for individuals to improve their attachment styles and foster healthier relationships.

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ビデオQ&A

  • What are attachment styles?

    Attachment styles are patterns of how individuals relate to others in relationships, particularly regarding emotions, intimacy, and conflict.

  • What is secure attachment?

    Secure attachment is characterized by a healthy sense of self and trust in relationships, allowing for open communication and emotional regulation.

  • What are the types of insecure attachment styles?

    There are three main insecure attachment styles: avoidant, anxious, and disorganized.

  • How can I heal from an insecure attachment style?

    Healing involves self-awareness, mindfulness, and practicing attunement with partners to improve emotional connections.

  • What is attunement?

    Attunement is the intentional focus on a partner's emotions and needs, fostering positive interactions and emotional safety.

  • How do attachment styles affect relationships?

    Attachment styles influence how individuals respond to emotional needs, conflicts, and intimacy, often leading to patterns of behavior that can create tension.

  • What should I do if I'm in a relationship with someone who has an insecure attachment style?

    Practice attunement, communicate openly, and encourage self-awareness to help both partners navigate their attachment issues.

  • Can attachment styles change over time?

    Yes, with awareness and effort, individuals can work towards developing a more secure attachment style.

  • What role does childhood experience play in attachment styles?

    Attachment styles are shaped by early childhood experiences and the quality of caregiving received.

  • How can mindfulness help with attachment issues?

    Mindfulness helps individuals become aware of their thoughts and feelings, allowing them to respond more effectively in relationships.

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  • 00:00:00
    if you keep finding yourself in
  • 00:00:01
    relationships where you feel ignored
  • 00:00:03
    most of the time you feel like your
  • 00:00:05
    partner's running away from you or maybe
  • 00:00:06
    you feel like you're the one doing
  • 00:00:07
    everything in the relationship you're
  • 00:00:09
    the one planning things you're the one
  • 00:00:10
    cleaning up after the person you're the
  • 00:00:12
    one that's over functioning in the
  • 00:00:13
    relationship it's not just bad luck Not
  • 00:00:15
    all men are trash there's something else
  • 00:00:17
    going on here it's called attachment
  • 00:00:18
    style you probably have an insecure
  • 00:00:20
    attachment style and if that does not
  • 00:00:21
    resonate with you maybe you're
  • 00:00:24
    constantly finding yourself in
  • 00:00:25
    relationships where you feel smothered
  • 00:00:27
    where you feel like your partner is
  • 00:00:29
    constantly picking every single thing
  • 00:00:31
    you do like you feel constantly
  • 00:00:32
    criticized that also not just bad luck
  • 00:00:35
    you have an attachment style issue
  • 00:00:38
    because here's the thing about
  • 00:00:38
    attachment Styles the thing that
  • 00:00:40
    attracts you to a person is ultimately
  • 00:00:43
    the thing that is going to trigger your
  • 00:00:45
    core fears the most if you're new here
  • 00:00:48
    my name is Charlotte and I make videos
  • 00:00:49
    for people who want to get out of their
  • 00:00:50
    own damn way we talk about tools and
  • 00:00:52
    strategies that can help you live the
  • 00:00:53
    life you love so if that's something
  • 00:00:55
    that resonates with you please interact
  • 00:00:56
    with this video leave a comment below
  • 00:00:58
    let me know you exist and also so it
  • 00:01:00
    really helps if you could like subscribe
  • 00:01:02
    and hit the Bell because subscribing is
  • 00:01:04
    apparently just like funsies now like
  • 00:01:06
    it's not real anymore you have to hit
  • 00:01:08
    the Bell so I really appreciate you
  • 00:01:09
    being here in this video we're going to
  • 00:01:11
    talk about attachment Styles insecure
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    attachment Styles what it means to be
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    secure and what that actually looks like
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    and how you heal because no one talks
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    about that stuff especially the fact
  • 00:01:21
    that you actually need to heal in a
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    relationship also please forgive the
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    dark kitchen um I'm having a bad chronic
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    pain day and I really want to make this
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    video for you guys and this is the way I
  • 00:01:31
    can get it done so it's it's not going
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    to I made Graphics I made graphics for
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    you it's going to be pretty it's just
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    I'm sitting in a dark kitchen cuz my
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    foot really hurts okay thank you so much
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    for understanding most of what I'm
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    talking about today comes from these two
  • 00:01:45
    books by do Angelica Shields I will link
  • 00:01:48
    her and these books down below she
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    explains all this very well if you're
  • 00:01:52
    only going to buy one of them I would
  • 00:01:55
    get this one if you want some sort of
  • 00:01:57
    actionable steps for healing like this
  • 00:01:59
    one has so many more actionable steps
  • 00:02:01
    for healing and also has like some brief
  • 00:02:04
    introductory stuff about attachment
  • 00:02:06
    style in the beginning of this book I
  • 00:02:08
    would get this one if you are more
  • 00:02:10
    interested in understanding the depth of
  • 00:02:14
    attachment style and then it has some
  • 00:02:16
    healing stuff at the end that it's it's
  • 00:02:18
    comprehensive but this one is much more
  • 00:02:20
    comprehensive when it comes to like
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    healing exercises um they both have the
  • 00:02:24
    same quizzes in them they both have a
  • 00:02:26
    lot of the same information in them this
  • 00:02:28
    one goes into more depth about like
  • 00:02:29
    child development and all of that and
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    this one is talks more about how to heal
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    with your partner in a relationship
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    right now so the highly recommend
  • 00:02:38
    there's so I read this book three times
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    and I still feel like I need to read it
  • 00:02:41
    again there's so much in this book I
  • 00:02:43
    also have started creating notes for you
  • 00:02:45
    guys because so many of you have said
  • 00:02:47
    you take notes while you're watching my
  • 00:02:48
    videos so I've created Google doc notes
  • 00:02:50
    you can find the links for everything in
  • 00:02:52
    the description I'm going to ask you if
  • 00:02:53
    you want to opt into a future newsletter
  • 00:02:55
    please be honest I don't want anyone to
  • 00:02:57
    get the newsletter that doesn't want to
  • 00:02:58
    get it so thank you so much for being
  • 00:03:00
    here and let's actually get into it what
  • 00:03:02
    are attachment Styles attachment Styles
  • 00:03:04
    in short are how you show up in a
  • 00:03:07
    relationship it's how you handle
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    emotions and intimacy and also conflict
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    and essentially what is happening is it
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    is a stress response in your nervous
  • 00:03:17
    system your nervous system is detecting
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    danger in the environment from things
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    that are not actually all that dangerous
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    your ego is feeling threatened and when
  • 00:03:26
    I say ego I mean your sense of self it's
  • 00:03:28
    like who are you you and are you safe
  • 00:03:31
    and attachment styles form as a result
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    of two things your inborn temperament
  • 00:03:35
    like your personality as a child and
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    also your caretaking experience were
  • 00:03:40
    your caretakers paying attention to your
  • 00:03:43
    feelings as a child were your caretakers
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    guiding you through all of these very
  • 00:03:48
    icky feelings when you were a kid or did
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    the child in the family system have a
  • 00:03:53
    job to do did the child have to manage
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    other family members expectations and
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    feelings did the child have to pretend
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    like everything was okay and dismiss and
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    avoid things did the child have to
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    analyze everything in order to make sure
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    they were safe these are how you get
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    insecure attachment Styles when the
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    child is having to do work to attune to
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    the adults in their life instead of the
  • 00:04:17
    other way around so it is very much a
  • 00:04:19
    combination of biology and environment
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    however Dr Shields is actually working
  • 00:04:23
    on a new book that talks about
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    neurodiversity it along with trauma and
  • 00:04:28
    with attachment styles it all gets very
  • 00:04:30
    complicated when you try to talk about
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    it at a high level like looking at an
  • 00:04:34
    individual person may be a little easier
  • 00:04:36
    to understand it and parse it out but
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    when we're trying to categorize people
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    in this way and give people broad
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    Strokes of how like the flavors people
  • 00:04:44
    might come in and how they may behave in
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    a relationship it can a lot of things
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    can look like for example borderline
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    personality disorder when in reality
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    it's just a very disregulated person
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    who's dealing with a lot of emotions
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    they don't know how to deal with right
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    or someone could have autism or ADHD
  • 00:05:02
    instead of like actually having trauma
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    and they're just emotionally
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    disregulated so take all of this with a
  • 00:05:08
    grain of salt uh there is like I don't
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    want you to think that like oh I'm
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    definitely this category and all this
  • 00:05:14
    stuff like I don't want you to be so
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    rigid and prescriptive about what I'm
  • 00:05:18
    going to tell you with these categories
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    there's a lot going on we're complicated
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    as people there are three insecure
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    attachment Styles and one secure
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    attachment style and let's talk about
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    the secure attachment style first
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    because it is the goal it's what we're
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    all striving for people with secure
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    attachment have the core belief that I
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    am me and my partner is my partner and
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    how they behave and the outside world
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    behaves does not change anything about
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    me securely attached people do not feel
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    like their egos are good per se like
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    they think of themselves as flexible
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    they're subject to change they are can
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    tolerate when the outside world is
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    signaling to them including their
  • 00:05:56
    Partners like it it's signaling to them
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    that they might be inadequate some way
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    they might be uh have some sort of
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    unpleasant characteristic about
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    themselves maybe they're uncooperative
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    maybe they're impatient maybe they were
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    just rejected maybe they feel lonely but
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    they know that this is a temporary
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    feeling and you've they've been
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    triggered and reminded of it in in some
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    experience in their life and they're
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    like oh no it'll go away I'm fine I am
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    not my thoughts I am not my feelings
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    this is a temporary emotion that I can
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    just let pass through me and I will be
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    okay people secure attachment Styles
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    they find each other and they don't
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    usually have a lot of conflict in the
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    relationship because they're not
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    triggering each other back and forth the
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    way we will see insecurely attached
  • 00:06:38
    people doing a secure response in a
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    relationship involves allowing your
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    emotions and your perspectives and
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    mistakes and your limitations to exist
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    without attaching catastrophic meaning
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    to them a lot of people in my comment
  • 00:06:53
    sections have expressed confusion about
  • 00:06:55
    what Detachment means and this is sort
  • 00:06:57
    of what I'm getting at when I talk about
  • 00:06:59
    how to detach how to stay unbothered
  • 00:07:02
    frequently when people are assigning too
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    much meaning to everyday things or
  • 00:07:08
    things people say things outside of
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    themselves that's when they start to get
  • 00:07:13
    attached to things and they start to let
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    external things and people and things
  • 00:07:18
    people have said bother them to the
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    point where they are emotionally
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    disregulated their thoughts are leading
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    to feelings which are leading to actions
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    and it's a vicious cycle people with
  • 00:07:27
    secure attachment can express small
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    frustration with their partner or
  • 00:07:31
    criticisms without them being escalated
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    for example if you have two securely
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    attached Partners in a relationship one
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    of them can say hey hun I just really
  • 00:07:39
    need some space tonight like can we do
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    our own thing and the other will not
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    take it personally they will not
  • 00:07:45
    internalize that request they trust
  • 00:07:47
    their partner is telling the truth they
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    trust their partner really does need
  • 00:07:51
    some space to themselves and they trust
  • 00:07:53
    that it has absolutely it is not a
  • 00:07:55
    reflection on them that is ego security
  • 00:07:58
    that is what we are after
  • 00:08:00
    I am me my partner is my partner how my
  • 00:08:02
    partner behave what my partner says is
  • 00:08:04
    not a reflection of me what they do
  • 00:08:06
    differently than people with insecure
  • 00:08:07
    attachment it's called Attunement so it
  • 00:08:10
    means that they're noticing and engaging
  • 00:08:12
    with their partner and we will talk
  • 00:08:14
    about that in the healing section but
  • 00:08:16
    they're noticing their own emotions and
  • 00:08:18
    they're noticing their partner's
  • 00:08:19
    emotions as well and that is very
  • 00:08:21
    important because people with insecure
  • 00:08:23
    attachment Styles also are not attuned
  • 00:08:25
    to their own emotions they don't know
  • 00:08:26
    what's going on inside of them and that
  • 00:08:28
    is a big part of this securely attached
  • 00:08:30
    people can respond with acceptance and
  • 00:08:33
    validation instead of reacting
  • 00:08:34
    defensively so if partner a says Hey Han
  • 00:08:37
    I really just need some space tonight to
  • 00:08:38
    decompress I've had a long day at work
  • 00:08:40
    like is that okay if we do our own thing
  • 00:08:42
    partner B will be like I totally get it
  • 00:08:44
    I know you've been working so hard
  • 00:08:46
    they've attuned they've reflected back
  • 00:08:48
    like yes I see you I see you've been
  • 00:08:50
    working really hard let's look at this
  • 00:08:51
    attachment chart now let's start with
  • 00:08:53
    the top avoidantly attached people want
  • 00:08:54
    to avoid emotions and conflict this can
  • 00:08:57
    look like plating this can look like
  • 00:08:59
    making a joke in a serious moment it can
  • 00:09:01
    look like stonewalling in in the silent
  • 00:09:03
    treatment getting defensive and
  • 00:09:06
    preemptively defending themselves
  • 00:09:07
    instead of listening it can look like
  • 00:09:10
    overfunctioning it can look like
  • 00:09:12
    constantly doing things for their
  • 00:09:13
    partner instead of engaging with their
  • 00:09:15
    partner like I'll fix the dishwasher but
  • 00:09:17
    I'm not going to have any sort of
  • 00:09:19
    exchange with you about our emotions or
  • 00:09:21
    anything scary and vulnerable like that
  • 00:09:22
    now there are two subtypes of avoiding
  • 00:09:24
    attachment the first type is afraid of
  • 00:09:27
    ego insult they are afraid of being seen
  • 00:09:30
    as defective in some way they truly
  • 00:09:33
    believe that any criticism is a attack
  • 00:09:35
    on their sense of self and their
  • 00:09:37
    worthiness they do not feel valuable as
  • 00:09:40
    a person they're terrified of criticism
  • 00:09:42
    they're terrified of being seen as
  • 00:09:44
    defective and they're going to think I
  • 00:09:45
    can't get anything right I'm never going
  • 00:09:47
    to win I'm overwhelmed I'm confused I'm
  • 00:09:50
    inadequate I need this to stop I'm
  • 00:09:52
    defective I need to make my adequacy
  • 00:09:55
    known to my partner by defending myself
  • 00:09:58
    against these attack against me and what
  • 00:10:00
    is the attack the attack is their
  • 00:10:02
    partner reminds them they forgot to walk
  • 00:10:04
    the dog and they feel like oh no that is
  • 00:10:07
    that is them pointing out that I am
  • 00:10:09
    defective that I can't do anything right
  • 00:10:12
    that I'm so dumb and forgetful I forgot
  • 00:10:14
    to walk the dog this person which
  • 00:10:16
    Shields calls the ostrich feels it is an
  • 00:10:19
    attack against them and the
  • 00:10:21
    internalizing aspect of it is they're
  • 00:10:23
    they're actually going inward with their
  • 00:10:24
    core fear of ego insult and criticism
  • 00:10:27
    and defectiveness so what this looks
  • 00:10:29
    like when they're in the internalizing
  • 00:10:30
    category and we're going to talk about
  • 00:10:31
    the right column in a second but the
  • 00:10:33
    ostrich will have a tendency to problem
  • 00:10:35
    solve the second their partner expresses
  • 00:10:38
    any sort of feeling because the this
  • 00:10:40
    person has been taught to dismiss
  • 00:10:42
    emotions they've been taught in their
  • 00:10:44
    childhood to avoid they are probably a
  • 00:10:47
    golden child they just they have no
  • 00:10:49
    feelings and no needs they may change
  • 00:10:51
    the subject also because they do not
  • 00:10:52
    want to deal with a key feelings they
  • 00:10:54
    also will explain their own perspective
  • 00:10:56
    as soon as their partner expresses
  • 00:10:58
    anything because they feel like they
  • 00:11:00
    need to defend and they feel like they
  • 00:11:02
    need to explain away emotions they
  • 00:11:05
    attend to other things and ignore their
  • 00:11:07
    partner in order to avoid the feelings
  • 00:11:09
    so they'll start to get they'll get
  • 00:11:10
    really busy at work all of a sudden if
  • 00:11:11
    they're having a bad spat with their
  • 00:11:13
    partner and like they just don't come
  • 00:11:15
    home at an early hour CU they figure
  • 00:11:17
    like oh I'm if I come home at bedtime
  • 00:11:19
    like she won't want to have a
  • 00:11:20
    conversation then and this person also
  • 00:11:22
    has a tendency to be more rigid in
  • 00:11:24
    nature like they like to categorize
  • 00:11:25
    things they like rules they like order
  • 00:11:27
    they have rigid black and white thinking
  • 00:11:28
    in a lot situations so the other thing
  • 00:11:30
    to know about this chart is this right
  • 00:11:32
    column externalizers in times of extreme
  • 00:11:36
    stress people develop core beliefs that
  • 00:11:39
    help protect them from their core fears
  • 00:11:42
    so in this internalizing column which
  • 00:11:44
    where most people start out you are
  • 00:11:48
    internalizing your core fear of whatever
  • 00:11:51
    the ego neglect the ego insult whatever
  • 00:11:53
    the ego fear is and it's turning Inward
  • 00:11:56
    and it's really uncomfortable but there
  • 00:11:58
    are situations where where someone is
  • 00:11:59
    extremely stressed out over a prolonged
  • 00:12:01
    period of time that they will start to
  • 00:12:04
    externalize core beliefs so instead of
  • 00:12:06
    turning inward their partner becomes the
  • 00:12:09
    problem everyone else is the problem and
  • 00:12:11
    as a result of that they start to get
  • 00:12:13
    more controlling they start to change
  • 00:12:15
    and manage their partner this
  • 00:12:17
    externalizing of core beliefs is a
  • 00:12:19
    flawed belief system that's going to
  • 00:12:20
    give them a false sense of superiority
  • 00:12:22
    it's going to give them a false sense of
  • 00:12:23
    empowerment but it is a way to protect
  • 00:12:26
    themselves so the ostrich will jump over
  • 00:12:28
    the line in extreme stress and become a
  • 00:12:31
    trainer so the trainer is thinking my
  • 00:12:33
    partner expects impossible things my
  • 00:12:35
    partner is too much my partner's crazy
  • 00:12:37
    my partner is unreasonable my partner is
  • 00:12:40
    so impossible my only option is to give
  • 00:12:43
    up my partner deserves the silent
  • 00:12:45
    treatment that'll teach her my partner
  • 00:12:47
    will learn how to be more calm if I
  • 00:12:49
    don't respond to her my partner will
  • 00:12:50
    learn to be less critical and demanding
  • 00:12:52
    if I ignore them for a while and I just
  • 00:12:53
    don't react and ultimately in the end
  • 00:12:55
    they feel entitled to treat their
  • 00:12:57
    partner this way because because of this
  • 00:13:00
    externalizing feeling I'm entitled to
  • 00:13:02
    hurt my partner's feelings because my
  • 00:13:03
    partner hurt me first that's the vibe
  • 00:13:05
    the trainer will frequently believe that
  • 00:13:07
    others are impossible or too much or
  • 00:13:08
    unreasonable they will defend themselves
  • 00:13:11
    with aggressive insults toward the other
  • 00:13:13
    person like you're being so OCD right
  • 00:13:15
    now right like you're being crazy right
  • 00:13:17
    now like you're acting like a lunatic
  • 00:13:19
    right now they will feel that their
  • 00:13:20
    partner deserves the silent treatment
  • 00:13:22
    that they can deliberately withhold
  • 00:13:24
    attention and affection from them as a
  • 00:13:25
    way to train them like they think that
  • 00:13:27
    these are methods to get their partner
  • 00:13:29
    to be less demanding or critical of them
  • 00:13:31
    because remember they're trying to
  • 00:13:32
    protect themselves from perceived
  • 00:13:34
    criticism and P perceived insult so if
  • 00:13:37
    their partner who is probably anxiously
  • 00:13:39
    attached is constantly telling them like
  • 00:13:42
    you forgot to do this I need you to do
  • 00:13:43
    that like they're her their anxiously
  • 00:13:45
    attached partner is escalating things
  • 00:13:48
    they are going to blame her for how
  • 00:13:51
    they're feeling the trainer might become
  • 00:13:53
    hopeless they might say I just can't win
  • 00:13:54
    with you I'm going to give up trying
  • 00:13:56
    because like I can't work with my
  • 00:13:57
    partner and in that situ
  • 00:13:59
    the expectation of ego insult is more
  • 00:14:01
    endurable than unexpected ego insult
  • 00:14:04
    that's what type one will look like when
  • 00:14:06
    they're externalizing it's important to
  • 00:14:07
    remember you cannot heal from a place of
  • 00:14:10
    externalizing everyone has to be in the
  • 00:14:12
    internalizing category in order to heal
  • 00:14:14
    frequently when people are healing they
  • 00:14:16
    actually jump to volcano like everyone
  • 00:14:18
    becomes a volcano because they're trying
  • 00:14:20
    to express their feelings that they've
  • 00:14:22
    never really expressed before but they
  • 00:14:24
    don't know how to do this without
  • 00:14:26
    escalating it like it ends up escalating
  • 00:14:28
    they don't they don't understand the
  • 00:14:29
    balance and how to actually go about it
  • 00:14:31
    in a way that is securely attached and
  • 00:14:33
    attuned avoiding TI two is very similar
  • 00:14:36
    in a lot of ways to type one however
  • 00:14:38
    instead of ego insult they are afraid of
  • 00:14:40
    ego obliteration they're afraid of
  • 00:14:42
    losing themselves in the relationship
  • 00:14:44
    when this type two avoidant is in the
  • 00:14:46
    left column internalizing their fears
  • 00:14:48
    they're called a loner and loners will
  • 00:14:50
    think and say things such as I'm being
  • 00:14:52
    attacked I'm nothing the other person is
  • 00:14:55
    making me into nothing because they're
  • 00:14:57
    smothering me I need to get out out of
  • 00:14:59
    here I'm being invaded I'm being
  • 00:15:01
    consumed I'm being destroyed I am safe
  • 00:15:04
    if I stay stoic so this can look like
  • 00:15:07
    physically avoiding proximity to others
  • 00:15:08
    and and not making eye contact they will
  • 00:15:11
    ignore or tune other people out they may
  • 00:15:14
    have a knee-jerk reaction to refuse to
  • 00:15:15
    do things that others ask them to do
  • 00:15:17
    even if they say they'll do something
  • 00:15:18
    they ultimately just won't do it they
  • 00:15:20
    want to do things their way even when
  • 00:15:22
    others directly advocate for that other
  • 00:15:25
    person's preference and they will Pride
  • 00:15:27
    themselves on Independence like they'll
  • 00:15:29
    never ask for anything and they will be
  • 00:15:31
    proud of it because they believe that
  • 00:15:33
    stoicism protects them they may shut
  • 00:15:35
    down requests from others for help or
  • 00:15:37
    engagement or interaction they prefer to
  • 00:15:39
    analyze instead of listening or feeling
  • 00:15:42
    and they will try to explain away or
  • 00:15:45
    problem solve instead of listening to
  • 00:15:47
    any sort of feelings now if the loner
  • 00:15:49
    starts to externalize and protect
  • 00:15:51
    themselves from this fear of ego
  • 00:15:53
    obliteration they're going to try to
  • 00:15:54
    blame their partner they become a
  • 00:15:56
    rescuer in this right column so this
  • 00:15:58
    person beli beles that Fierce
  • 00:16:00
    Independence is the only valid way for
  • 00:16:02
    them to be and to exist they feel
  • 00:16:06
    Superior to those who have any sort of
  • 00:16:08
    social or emotional needs or depend on
  • 00:16:11
    people whatsoever they think that is a
  • 00:16:13
    weakness so they will defend their
  • 00:16:15
    entitlement to Independence and they
  • 00:16:17
    sometimes will insult their partner such
  • 00:16:19
    as saying something like you're so needy
  • 00:16:21
    they may think things like I am Superior
  • 00:16:23
    to my partner because I am more
  • 00:16:24
    independent my partner is unreasonably
  • 00:16:26
    needy or smothering and my partner is
  • 00:16:29
    emotionally weak like emotional people
  • 00:16:31
    are weak that's where their thought
  • 00:16:33
    process goes and very similar to the
  • 00:16:35
    trainer they will think my partner will
  • 00:16:37
    learn how to be more independent if I
  • 00:16:38
    don't respond or if I shut them out and
  • 00:16:40
    as a result of their partner asking for
  • 00:16:42
    things because when you're in a
  • 00:16:43
    relationship you ask for things uh they
  • 00:16:45
    believe their partner is needy and Le
  • 00:16:48
    less than them this this false sense of
  • 00:16:50
    superiority and entitlement is a way for
  • 00:16:53
    them to protect themselves from their
  • 00:16:54
    core fear it is a faulty belief system
  • 00:16:57
    both types of Ence are more likely to
  • 00:17:00
    drink in excess or to abuse substances
  • 00:17:03
    because they're trying to numb and it
  • 00:17:05
    assists in emotional avoidance there are
  • 00:17:07
    similarities between the trainer and The
  • 00:17:09
    Rescuer they both use avoidance and
  • 00:17:10
    blame to deal with their feelings the
  • 00:17:12
    trainer's issue is with criticism and
  • 00:17:14
    inadequacy and The Rescuer issue is with
  • 00:17:16
    control and emotional dependence so the
  • 00:17:18
    trainer externalizes by seeing their
  • 00:17:20
    partner as unreasonable and punishing
  • 00:17:22
    them for being critical but The Rescuer
  • 00:17:24
    externalizes by seeing their partner as
  • 00:17:26
    too needy and trying to fix them by
  • 00:17:29
    enforcing Independence and like I said
  • 00:17:31
    you can move across the columns you can
  • 00:17:33
    also go across and then down so that
  • 00:17:36
    ostrich can become a rescuer in a times
  • 00:17:40
    of extreme stress like they're super
  • 00:17:42
    stressed out you can also see the
  • 00:17:44
    ostrich go one down and become a loner
  • 00:17:46
    The Loner can become an ostrich like
  • 00:17:47
    people can move around the chart and
  • 00:17:49
    it's more common for the avoidance to
  • 00:17:51
    move around one within their section and
  • 00:17:54
    it's more common for anxiously attached
  • 00:17:57
    and disorganized to move within their
  • 00:17:58
    section so she has these little Dash
  • 00:18:01
    lines in there where you you see that
  • 00:18:04
    movement if we move on to anxious
  • 00:18:06
    attachment these folks do the opposite
  • 00:18:09
    they escalate feelings emotions and
  • 00:18:11
    conflict they want and feel like they
  • 00:18:14
    deserve connection with their partner
  • 00:18:15
    but they expect to be ignored Their Fear
  • 00:18:18
    is ego neglect they worry that they're
  • 00:18:21
    not going to be seen and heard so what
  • 00:18:23
    they do is they wave their arms in the
  • 00:18:25
    air to their partner and they're like
  • 00:18:27
    hey I'm over here look at me
  • 00:18:29
    I need to escalate everything in this
  • 00:18:31
    relationship cuz I feel neglected in
  • 00:18:33
    these books Shields refers to anxious
  • 00:18:35
    attachment as reactive attachment
  • 00:18:38
    because they are reacting to their
  • 00:18:40
    partner pulling away in this type of
  • 00:18:43
    attachment style they strongly and
  • 00:18:45
    directly pursue connection and conflict
  • 00:18:48
    with other people because they were
  • 00:18:49
    taught in their family of origin that
  • 00:18:51
    you have to manage emotions you have to
  • 00:18:54
    do something in order to get them to go
  • 00:18:57
    away in order for them to be okay you
  • 00:19:00
    can't just be you have to do their
  • 00:19:02
    nervous systems expect connection and
  • 00:19:04
    conflict to confirm that they are
  • 00:19:06
    invisible that they are unseen that they
  • 00:19:07
    are alone that they are neglected
  • 00:19:09
    anxiously attached people often feel
  • 00:19:11
    this response without conscious
  • 00:19:12
    awareness anxiously attached people are
  • 00:19:14
    more attuned to the people outside of
  • 00:19:16
    them they are paying very close
  • 00:19:18
    attention to other people's emotions and
  • 00:19:21
    they are not paying attention to their
  • 00:19:23
    own they don't know what's going on
  • 00:19:24
    inside of them and so they can't
  • 00:19:27
    regulate themselves they method of
  • 00:19:29
    protecting themselves from this distress
  • 00:19:31
    of ego neglect is to pursue engagement
  • 00:19:34
    and change from the other person so they
  • 00:19:36
    are attempting to modify and manage the
  • 00:19:38
    outside world to alleviate their
  • 00:19:40
    internal anxieties more than they attend
  • 00:19:43
    to and alter their inner experience
  • 00:19:45
    they're not sitting with themselves
  • 00:19:47
    they're not asking themselves what
  • 00:19:49
    they're feeling and what they're going
  • 00:19:50
    through and is this a feeling that's
  • 00:19:51
    going to end what's the beginning what's
  • 00:19:53
    the middle what's the end like how do I
  • 00:19:54
    let it flow through my body that's not
  • 00:19:56
    what they're doing they are instead
  • 00:19:58
    saying oh my gosh you didn't text me
  • 00:19:59
    back for like 4 hours they are
  • 00:20:02
    hyperfocusing on how their partner is
  • 00:20:05
    behaving and they are allowing
  • 00:20:07
    themselves to let that mean something to
  • 00:20:10
    who they are as a person they are
  • 00:20:12
    allowing the not getting a text back to
  • 00:20:15
    interfere with ego neglect like they
  • 00:20:16
    feel like they are being neglected and
  • 00:20:18
    misunderstood and not seen so they are
  • 00:20:20
    attempting to manage and modify the
  • 00:20:22
    outside world to alleviate their
  • 00:20:24
    internal anxieties more than they attend
  • 00:20:26
    to and alter their own inner experiences
  • 00:20:28
    if their partner responds to them even
  • 00:20:30
    if it's a fear-based
  • 00:20:31
    response and they accommodate their
  • 00:20:34
    request that quashes that feeling of
  • 00:20:38
    invisibility and neglect they feel okay
  • 00:20:40
    in that moment and they think that
  • 00:20:42
    they're engaging in positive conflict
  • 00:20:44
    resolution when in reality they're not
  • 00:20:46
    actually addressing the root cause of
  • 00:20:48
    the issue in their family system when
  • 00:20:50
    they were younger the norm was to manage
  • 00:20:53
    feelings and so that meant that they
  • 00:20:56
    actively had to do something to make the
  • 00:20:57
    feeling go away they had to accommodate
  • 00:21:00
    it they had to control it this makes the
  • 00:21:02
    anxiously attached person think I cannot
  • 00:21:03
    feel me independent of control or
  • 00:21:06
    outside accommodations I have to control
  • 00:21:08
    everything around me in order for me to
  • 00:21:11
    know myself in order to feel me in order
  • 00:21:13
    for me to feel okay so their nervous
  • 00:21:15
    system is reacting to their environment
  • 00:21:17
    and their nervous system is like things
  • 00:21:19
    are not okay Sirens Sirens Sirens but
  • 00:21:21
    it's just the he was busy and he didn't
  • 00:21:22
    text you back there's actually no threat
  • 00:21:24
    here it has nothing to do with you he
  • 00:21:26
    just had no time to text you back the
  • 00:21:28
    anxiously attached person who is
  • 00:21:30
    internalizing is called the volcano
  • 00:21:33
    they're holding back their needs and
  • 00:21:34
    then they aggressively pursue change
  • 00:21:37
    they suppress and then demand like they
  • 00:21:39
    are exploding at their partner they
  • 00:21:41
    Define their connection with another
  • 00:21:42
    person by how engaged they remain during
  • 00:21:45
    conflict they also Define their
  • 00:21:46
    connection with another person by how
  • 00:21:48
    precisely and perfectly that other
  • 00:21:50
    person accommodates their request if
  • 00:21:52
    they're receptive to their request and
  • 00:21:54
    so the volcano ends up micromanaging
  • 00:21:56
    they end up nitpicking about details
  • 00:21:58
    that don't actually add value to the
  • 00:22:00
    outcome of what they're trying to do
  • 00:22:01
    they may escalate things using their
  • 00:22:03
    tone of voice they may come off as
  • 00:22:04
    indifferent they may like a little
  • 00:22:06
    subtle thing that they know will bother
  • 00:22:08
    their partner a little bit but they will
  • 00:22:10
    escalate things that way they may have
  • 00:22:12
    aggressive Body Language they may hover
  • 00:22:14
    around their partner they may angrily
  • 00:22:16
    approach or lean in like they may give
  • 00:22:19
    sort of contemptuous facial expressions
  • 00:22:20
    or like glare at their partner and then
  • 00:22:23
    they may show extreme anger responses
  • 00:22:25
    when they feel misunderstood even if
  • 00:22:27
    their partner was genuinely forgetful or
  • 00:22:30
    distracted such as with the text message
  • 00:22:32
    they will explode and that's where the
  • 00:22:33
    volcano metaphor comes in so they're
  • 00:22:35
    thinking I'm alone I'm invisible what I
  • 00:22:37
    say is ignored what I want is ignored
  • 00:22:40
    I'm not considered I'm not cared about
  • 00:22:42
    I'm neglected I can make myself feel
  • 00:22:44
    safe I can fix this if I make myself
  • 00:22:45
    louder if I make myself bigger they
  • 00:22:47
    can't ignore me that way that's where
  • 00:22:49
    they're getting at in times of extreme
  • 00:22:51
    stress this person externalizes to
  • 00:22:53
    become the dictator and you can see why
  • 00:22:55
    they become a dictator because they're
  • 00:22:57
    managing in a lot more of an
  • 00:22:58
    externalizing way their partner is now
  • 00:23:00
    the problem in their mind because
  • 00:23:01
    they're trying to protect themselves
  • 00:23:03
    from that core fear of ego neglect by
  • 00:23:06
    externalizing that fear the dictator May
  • 00:23:08
    believe that their way of doing things
  • 00:23:09
    is the only reasonable way of doing
  • 00:23:11
    things they may demean their partner
  • 00:23:13
    through insults such as loser stupids
  • 00:23:16
    calling them those sorts of names they
  • 00:23:17
    may also have non-verbal indications of
  • 00:23:19
    disgust such as eye rolling and they
  • 00:23:21
    feel entitlement to not consider the
  • 00:23:23
    other person's perspective like they
  • 00:23:25
    feel entitled to have all of the control
  • 00:23:27
    and say how things are done because they
  • 00:23:29
    think that they're doing it the right
  • 00:23:30
    way like their way is the right way and
  • 00:23:32
    at this point they're not simply
  • 00:23:33
    expecting to be neglected like they
  • 00:23:35
    actually expect abandonment like they
  • 00:23:37
    perceive others Behavior as proof that
  • 00:23:39
    they are not loved or wanted it's a
  • 00:23:41
    pretty extreme response so the dictator
  • 00:23:43
    is going to think things like I'm the
  • 00:23:45
    only one that does anything right around
  • 00:23:47
    here my partner has nothing valuable to
  • 00:23:49
    contribute my partner is dumb my partner
  • 00:23:51
    is a loser my partner just doesn't do
  • 00:23:53
    anything right my partner disappoints me
  • 00:23:56
    they're selfish they're evil my partner
  • 00:23:58
    doesn't see me my partner doesn't care I
  • 00:24:01
    am only safe if I micromanage and
  • 00:24:03
    control and I'm only safe if I control
  • 00:24:04
    my partner it's okay if I force my
  • 00:24:06
    partner to see me by raising my voice
  • 00:24:08
    I'm entitled to hurt my partner's
  • 00:24:09
    feelings cuz my partner hurt my feelings
  • 00:24:11
    that's what the dictator is thinking
  • 00:24:13
    about and last but not least we have
  • 00:24:14
    disorganized attachment which is also
  • 00:24:16
    referred to as fearful avoidant in other
  • 00:24:18
    contexts just so you're aware these
  • 00:24:20
    folks are showing patterns of both
  • 00:24:22
    distancing themselves in their
  • 00:24:24
    relationship from their Partners as well
  • 00:24:25
    as pursuing and escalating conflict and
  • 00:24:27
    emotion they are afraid of ego
  • 00:24:30
    abandonment and this is a result of
  • 00:24:32
    having that type one avoidance of fear
  • 00:24:35
    of ego insult and the anxiously attached
  • 00:24:38
    fear of ego neglect when you combine
  • 00:24:40
    them you get fear of ego abandonment
  • 00:24:42
    because you feel defective and you think
  • 00:24:44
    that they don't see you and they're just
  • 00:24:45
    going to leave she also says that people
  • 00:24:46
    with disorganized attachment often are
  • 00:24:48
    caused by more severe environmental
  • 00:24:50
    trauma along with this very sensitive
  • 00:24:52
    temperament and so sometimes people with
  • 00:24:54
    this style of attachment have complex
  • 00:24:56
    PTSD where their traumatic Rel
  • 00:24:58
    relationship experiences altered their
  • 00:25:00
    social emotional development they also
  • 00:25:03
    usually have some sort of anxiety
  • 00:25:05
    disorder so people with disorganized
  • 00:25:07
    attachment she also calls them
  • 00:25:09
    preoccupied because they are preoccupied
  • 00:25:11
    with determining whether they're going
  • 00:25:13
    to be abandoned by their partner they
  • 00:25:15
    may come off looking avoidant but the
  • 00:25:17
    difference is their internal experience
  • 00:25:19
    because on the outside they're giving
  • 00:25:20
    their partner distance but on the inside
  • 00:25:23
    they're freaking out like they're
  • 00:25:24
    looking for evidence of whether their
  • 00:25:25
    partner is going to stay or leave that
  • 00:25:27
    is why Shields calls them the tester I
  • 00:25:30
    think it's more helpful to think of them
  • 00:25:31
    as the monitor CU they're not actually
  • 00:25:33
    giving literal tests they're simply
  • 00:25:36
    monitoring their partner's Behavior very
  • 00:25:39
    closely and coming up with like meaning
  • 00:25:41
    of what their partner does and whether
  • 00:25:42
    that means they're going to abandon them
  • 00:25:44
    or not so they will frequently mask as
  • 00:25:46
    not caring or having any needs because
  • 00:25:48
    they fear that if they tell their
  • 00:25:50
    partner they have needs their partner's
  • 00:25:51
    going be like oh she's too much and like
  • 00:25:53
    I'm going to get out of here like she's
  • 00:25:54
    a lot but at the same time they are
  • 00:25:56
    pursuing connection they want to confirm
  • 00:26:00
    Connection in a way that is not
  • 00:26:02
    vulnerable so they're not doing what the
  • 00:26:04
    volcano is doing they're not like hey
  • 00:26:05
    over here they are checking text
  • 00:26:08
    messages they're checking his location
  • 00:26:11
    they're asking unreasonably invasive
  • 00:26:13
    questions to see if their partner
  • 00:26:14
    answers like oh do does he trust me with
  • 00:26:17
    this information these tests may look
  • 00:26:19
    something like I'll ignore my partner
  • 00:26:22
    and see how long it takes him to notice
  • 00:26:24
    right like I'm going to like they won't
  • 00:26:26
    directly Express their needs like
  • 00:26:28
    something's bothering them and they
  • 00:26:29
    won't tell their partner as a securely
  • 00:26:31
    attached person would instead they're
  • 00:26:33
    going to be like I'm just going to
  • 00:26:34
    ignore them and see if they care about
  • 00:26:36
    me enough to ask what's wrong that's the
  • 00:26:38
    vibe they also have a tendency to expect
  • 00:26:40
    others to mind read or like to just get
  • 00:26:42
    it as evidence that they won't be
  • 00:26:44
    abandoned like you should just know how
  • 00:26:46
    I'm feeling otherwise you you're going
  • 00:26:48
    to leave me like you don't actually love
  • 00:26:49
    me they see mistakes or forgetfulness or
  • 00:26:51
    misunderstandings like General human
  • 00:26:53
    things as evidence of Abandonment and
  • 00:26:55
    then they may react with extreme anger
  • 00:26:57
    or they may withdraw extremely like they
  • 00:27:01
    they may go either way anxious or
  • 00:27:03
    avoidant they also have a tendency to
  • 00:27:05
    rigidly categorize others as either good
  • 00:27:08
    or bad so they can try to anticipate
  • 00:27:10
    whether or not they will be abandoned by
  • 00:27:12
    those people this is actually kind of a
  • 00:27:14
    result of their family system because
  • 00:27:16
    they probably experienced a very chaotic
  • 00:27:18
    environment as a child and they were
  • 00:27:20
    also just a more sensitive child so they
  • 00:27:22
    felt like they had to try to put
  • 00:27:23
    everything into categories of either
  • 00:27:25
    good or bad in order to feel comfortable
  • 00:27:27
    in order to know what was coming so they
  • 00:27:29
    were taught as a child that their job in
  • 00:27:31
    the family is to analyze and fixate on
  • 00:27:34
    their caretakers like okay is this a
  • 00:27:36
    good or bad situation like how do I have
  • 00:27:39
    to react in this situation should I
  • 00:27:41
    should I pull into myself or do I need
  • 00:27:44
    to get more attention so they may think
  • 00:27:46
    something like I'm being rejected I'm
  • 00:27:48
    worthless I'm discardable I'm being
  • 00:27:50
    abandoned I'm not heard I'm not listen
  • 00:27:52
    to I I am safe if I figure out their
  • 00:27:55
    true intentions I am safe if I figure
  • 00:27:57
    out what they think of me I'm safe if
  • 00:27:59
    they're near me and they are constantly
  • 00:28:02
    having these fears and preoccupied by
  • 00:28:05
    this anxious concern that they're going
  • 00:28:07
    to be abandoned but again they don't
  • 00:28:08
    show that on the outside their partners
  • 00:28:10
    are really confused cuz she comes off as
  • 00:28:12
    chill cool girl and then out of nowhere
  • 00:28:13
    she's freaking out so when this person
  • 00:28:15
    is externalizing meaning they are
  • 00:28:17
    pushing their core fear away and their
  • 00:28:19
    core belief comes in that they have the
  • 00:28:21
    right to control their partner because
  • 00:28:22
    their partner is the problem this person
  • 00:28:24
    becomes the Puppet Master they start to
  • 00:28:26
    think my partner should automatically do
  • 00:28:27
    what I want no matter what my partner
  • 00:28:29
    exists to alleviate my pain who cares
  • 00:28:31
    what my partner is experiencing I'm
  • 00:28:33
    hurting that turns into I'm entitled to
  • 00:28:35
    hurt my partner's feelings even if they
  • 00:28:37
    don't hurt me first I'm safe if I don't
  • 00:28:39
    show consideration or caring for my
  • 00:28:42
    partner my partner should anticipate my
  • 00:28:43
    needs without me expressing them the
  • 00:28:46
    Puppet Master can look like a lot of
  • 00:28:47
    different things they may dissociate to
  • 00:28:49
    the point where they do not believe they
  • 00:28:51
    want connection or have needs anymore
  • 00:28:53
    and that's why they're so commonly
  • 00:28:55
    confused with avoidant attachment but
  • 00:28:57
    they are actually really internally
  • 00:29:00
    preoccupied with whether or not their
  • 00:29:02
    partner will be there whereas avoidant
  • 00:29:04
    people don't feel that way they may set
  • 00:29:06
    up unreasonable or impossible demands to
  • 00:29:08
    test whether someone's going to
  • 00:29:10
    accommodate them as proof that they will
  • 00:29:11
    not be abandoned so this can look like
  • 00:29:13
    asking a monogamous partner for a
  • 00:29:15
    one-sided open relationship or asking
  • 00:29:17
    their partner to work less hours so they
  • 00:29:20
    can spend more time together but then
  • 00:29:21
    refusing to decrease their spending they
  • 00:29:23
    may pursue control to prove to
  • 00:29:25
    themselves that this other person cares
  • 00:29:26
    about them and come up with really
  • 00:29:28
    unreasonable request and they think like
  • 00:29:30
    okay if they're willing to accommodate
  • 00:29:32
    that unreasonable request that means
  • 00:29:33
    that they must care about me and they're
  • 00:29:35
    not going to abandon me this can also
  • 00:29:37
    look like acting very childish to get
  • 00:29:39
    their partner to do more caretaking for
  • 00:29:41
    them the Puppet Master sincerely
  • 00:29:43
    believes that they're entitled to
  • 00:29:44
    control others to alleviate their own
  • 00:29:46
    anxiety because their core belief
  • 00:29:48
    becomes others exists for me Shields
  • 00:29:50
    also says that the Puppet Master
  • 00:29:52
    sometimes has like autism or OCD that's
  • 00:29:54
    undiagnosed and so this person isn't
  • 00:29:57
    very internal Ally disregulated and the
  • 00:29:59
    way they they control themselves they're
  • 00:30:02
    trying to deal with their own
  • 00:30:03
    disregulation so they will hyper control
  • 00:30:05
    themselves and they'll do that to
  • 00:30:06
    someone else like it's just how they are
  • 00:30:08
    as a person okay we've talked for a
  • 00:30:10
    while about all this stuff congrats to
  • 00:30:11
    getting to this section now let's talk
  • 00:30:13
    about healing if you and your partner
  • 00:30:15
    have engaged with patterns of repeated
  • 00:30:17
    conflict over a period of time you
  • 00:30:20
    likely have conditioned each other's
  • 00:30:22
    nervous system to expect Danger from the
  • 00:30:24
    other person you are on edge fear is
  • 00:30:26
    going to begin the cycle of conflict
  • 00:30:29
    safety is what is going to end it I've
  • 00:30:31
    been saying the word atune attune atune
  • 00:30:33
    what does Attunement mean Attunement is
  • 00:30:36
    intentional calm and alert focus on your
  • 00:30:38
    partner you're giving them positive
  • 00:30:40
    attention at its very core What's
  • 00:30:42
    Happening Here is The Rao to unpleasant
  • 00:30:45
    and pleasant interactions is like this
  • 00:30:48
    right so like that that Golden Boy with
  • 00:30:51
    ostrich Tendencies is up here perceiving
  • 00:30:55
    thousands of little digs and criticisms
  • 00:30:58
    every single week and very few actual
  • 00:31:01
    Pleasant connection moments like they're
  • 00:31:03
    just not registering they may be there
  • 00:31:05
    but he is not actually remembering them
  • 00:31:08
    the same with the parentified girl who
  • 00:31:10
    is anxiously attached and every time she
  • 00:31:13
    goes a few hours without getting a text
  • 00:31:15
    message or feels neglected like she is
  • 00:31:17
    registering that but she's not actually
  • 00:31:19
    registering the positive moments of
  • 00:31:21
    connection and so what Attunement does
  • 00:31:23
    is it allows both Partners to be
  • 00:31:25
    conscious in how they are interacting in
  • 00:31:28
    with one another you want to make sure
  • 00:31:30
    that you are staying present with your
  • 00:31:32
    partner you're not reacting from
  • 00:31:34
    distress you're not giving a stress
  • 00:31:35
    response you are instead mirroring back
  • 00:31:38
    to them you're reflecting back with them
  • 00:31:41
    you are showing that you are present in
  • 00:31:43
    what they're talking about with both
  • 00:31:45
    your verbal and non-verbal communication
  • 00:31:47
    skills Attunement has three steps first
  • 00:31:49
    you're going to locate your partner
  • 00:31:50
    you're physically going to make
  • 00:31:52
    undistracted eye contact you're going to
  • 00:31:54
    remove the electronics you're going to
  • 00:31:55
    be present men have a tendency to not
  • 00:31:57
    want to at the person that they're
  • 00:31:58
    talking to whereas women do so just make
  • 00:32:01
    sure you're looking at your partner
  • 00:32:02
    that's the first step Second Step
  • 00:32:04
    maintain calm alertness do not react
  • 00:32:07
    from distress just allow the feelings to
  • 00:32:11
    exist be present and then the third
  • 00:32:14
    thing is focus on their words and their
  • 00:32:16
    non-verbal cues without judgment Sheil
  • 00:32:19
    says Attunement has to be practiced
  • 00:32:20
    regularly so people with anxious or
  • 00:32:22
    disorganized attachment Styles have to
  • 00:32:24
    attune to themselves first because they
  • 00:32:28
    have to practice paying attention to
  • 00:32:29
    their own internal experience they are
  • 00:32:31
    more likely to be attuned to their
  • 00:32:33
    Partners just more naturally in everyday
  • 00:32:34
    life it comes more effortlessly to them
  • 00:32:36
    because that's what they've been doing
  • 00:32:37
    their whole life they've been managing
  • 00:32:39
    other people's feelings their whole
  • 00:32:40
    lives but what they don't realize is
  • 00:32:42
    that they are more comfortable managing
  • 00:32:44
    the outside world than their own stuff
  • 00:32:46
    like they want they have to figure out
  • 00:32:48
    how to get in touch with their internal
  • 00:32:50
    experience and their internal distress
  • 00:32:51
    disorganized detached people are the
  • 00:32:53
    same way except they don't always show
  • 00:32:54
    it on the outside they have the same
  • 00:32:56
    internal experience as an iously
  • 00:32:58
    attached people but they're coming off
  • 00:33:00
    as avoidantly attached so while
  • 00:33:01
    anxiously and disorganized people need
  • 00:33:03
    to attune to themselves first in a in a
  • 00:33:05
    disagreement avoidant people need to do
  • 00:33:07
    the opposite they need to attune to
  • 00:33:10
    their partner avoid and struggle with
  • 00:33:11
    this because they are automatically
  • 00:33:12
    disconnected from others so regardless
  • 00:33:14
    of your attachment style she does
  • 00:33:16
    recommend that you visualize some sort
  • 00:33:18
    of conflict with your partner and try to
  • 00:33:21
    imagine the situation in as much detail
  • 00:33:23
    as you can for people who are anxiously
  • 00:33:26
    attached she wants those people in the
  • 00:33:29
    visualization to shift their attention
  • 00:33:31
    inward like scan your body for tension
  • 00:33:34
    notice any of the fearful or the
  • 00:33:36
    unhelpful beliefs take a deep breath
  • 00:33:39
    sort of hug yourself internally sit with
  • 00:33:42
    that discomfort sit with the feeling
  • 00:33:44
    this is the practice of self-attunement
  • 00:33:46
    the anxious person's job is to not react
  • 00:33:50
    in the moment to not have those stress
  • 00:33:52
    responses to not try to manage the
  • 00:33:55
    situation to just let their avoidant
  • 00:33:57
    partner be that's what they're bad at
  • 00:33:59
    that's what anxiously attached people
  • 00:34:00
    are bad at just you don't have to do
  • 00:34:02
    just be anxiously and disorganized
  • 00:34:04
    attached people can ask themselves this
  • 00:34:06
    when they are struggling in a a
  • 00:34:09
    difficult conversation with their
  • 00:34:10
    partner the first is is it possible that
  • 00:34:13
    I can endure this icky feeling in this
  • 00:34:15
    conflict without making the situation
  • 00:34:17
    worse by escalating it or by giving off
  • 00:34:19
    any non-verbal indication of
  • 00:34:21
    condemnation or disgust that's the first
  • 00:34:23
    question can I just sit with the icky
  • 00:34:25
    feeling the second question is is it it
  • 00:34:27
    possible that while this attack feels
  • 00:34:30
    like catastrophically meaningful to my
  • 00:34:32
    well-being is it possible that that
  • 00:34:34
    story I've applied that catastrophic
  • 00:34:35
    meaning is no longer accurate like can I
  • 00:34:38
    sit with the possibility that this old
  • 00:34:40
    story is not serving me now avoidantly
  • 00:34:42
    attached people she has different
  • 00:34:43
    recommendations for them so the
  • 00:34:45
    visualization for avoidance is to come
  • 00:34:47
    home imagine they find their partner on
  • 00:34:49
    the couch like really go look for their
  • 00:34:51
    partner in your eye in your home you see
  • 00:34:54
    your partner there and you don't stop
  • 00:34:57
    until you find your partner because
  • 00:34:59
    again avoidance are really bad at
  • 00:35:00
    attuning to other people they sort of
  • 00:35:02
    block out other people and stay with
  • 00:35:04
    themselves and they are going to ask
  • 00:35:06
    themselves the same questions is it
  • 00:35:08
    possible that I'm willing to endure this
  • 00:35:09
    icky feeling without withdrawing without
  • 00:35:12
    defending I'm not going to make it worse
  • 00:35:14
    by running away the way I usually do and
  • 00:35:16
    is it possible that this meaningful
  • 00:35:19
    catastrophic feeling that I have that
  • 00:35:20
    feels very life or death no longer
  • 00:35:22
    applies here she basically says to
  • 00:35:24
    avoidance like the next time you engage
  • 00:35:26
    with your partner in connection or
  • 00:35:28
    conflict remember that your nervous
  • 00:35:32
    system will be hypervigilant to the
  • 00:35:33
    threat of criticism of attack of some of
  • 00:35:36
    smothering of anything like that like
  • 00:35:38
    you can fight that fear because it's not
  • 00:35:41
    rooted in reality the threat is not
  • 00:35:43
    there it is your nervous system trying
  • 00:35:45
    to make you think it is so going back to
  • 00:35:47
    the ratio thing we're trying to decrease
  • 00:35:50
    the number of negative experiences and
  • 00:35:52
    interactions that the nervous system and
  • 00:35:54
    the Brain registers by being mindful
  • 00:35:57
    that's what this is mindfulness and
  • 00:35:59
    mindful of how we are reacting but we
  • 00:36:02
    also want to increase those the the
  • 00:36:05
    noticing of positive experiences with
  • 00:36:07
    your partner and the way Shields
  • 00:36:09
    recommends you do this is that every
  • 00:36:10
    time you approach your partner or walk
  • 00:36:12
    into a room where your partner is there
  • 00:36:14
    find something to appreciate about your
  • 00:36:15
    partner out loud she also talks a lot
  • 00:36:18
    about reflecting back to what you heard
  • 00:36:20
    your partner say just acknowledging that
  • 00:36:22
    they said something is a really big deal
  • 00:36:25
    so someone might say I've been working
  • 00:36:27
    so much this week and then the other
  • 00:36:29
    partner will be like you have been
  • 00:36:31
    working a lot this week you don't have
  • 00:36:33
    to ask a question you just repeat back
  • 00:36:35
    what they said just acknowledge that you
  • 00:36:36
    heard them and that's part of Attunement
  • 00:36:39
    the other thing that's really important
  • 00:36:40
    is to notice your own unpleasant
  • 00:36:41
    emotions and to not shut down and not
  • 00:36:44
    avoid especially if you're avoidant to
  • 00:36:46
    don't try to escalate if you're anxious
  • 00:36:48
    use eye statements followed by a direct
  • 00:36:50
    request in a casual tone so an example
  • 00:36:53
    from her book is it's so dark in here I
  • 00:36:55
    can't even read the book it's the light
  • 00:36:57
    bothers the crap out of me in this room
  • 00:36:59
    that's why all the lights are off you've
  • 00:37:00
    gotten to this point in the video so
  • 00:37:01
    you're cool and I'm going to give you
  • 00:37:03
    the behind the scenes okay so instead of
  • 00:37:05
    holding in or exploding out your
  • 00:37:07
    frustration that your partner is
  • 00:37:08
    sleeping in every Saturday you
  • 00:37:10
    vulnerably say hey I miss you and I want
  • 00:37:13
    to spend more time doing things together
  • 00:37:15
    when we aren't working can we take a
  • 00:37:17
    bike ride together this Saturday morning
  • 00:37:18
    before we get our days started that's an
  • 00:37:20
    example of an eye statement I miss you
  • 00:37:22
    and I would love to spend more time
  • 00:37:24
    together when we're not working and then
  • 00:37:26
    the request comes in can we take a bike
  • 00:37:27
    ride on Saturday instead of just being
  • 00:37:29
    like Oh my God you're always sleeping in
  • 00:37:31
    and we never have time to see each other
  • 00:37:33
    like that could be the alternative of
  • 00:37:34
    getting frustration you're blaming that
  • 00:37:36
    other person for sleeping in on Saturday
  • 00:37:38
    when you didn't even express that you
  • 00:37:39
    wanted them not to do that another
  • 00:37:41
    tactic she recommends is offering
  • 00:37:43
    support with confidence so when your
  • 00:37:45
    partner is feeling a very intense
  • 00:37:46
    feeling that you want to avoid to manage
  • 00:37:49
    to judge you need to stop freeze right
  • 00:37:52
    there take a deep breath tell your
  • 00:37:54
    nervous system it's going to be okay and
  • 00:37:57
    then give them the statement of support
  • 00:37:59
    and confidence because what's happening
  • 00:38:01
    is your partner is having a really
  • 00:38:03
    terrible experience and you are also
  • 00:38:05
    afraid and so you might start to dismiss
  • 00:38:09
    a way they're feeling you might start
  • 00:38:10
    explaining way they're feeling if you're
  • 00:38:12
    an avoidant or you might start trying to
  • 00:38:15
    manage away their feeling the statement
  • 00:38:17
    of support is essentially way of saying
  • 00:38:19
    I cannot rescue you from this horrible
  • 00:38:22
    icky Human Experience but I feel for you
  • 00:38:24
    and I am right here with you it's not
  • 00:38:26
    escalating the feeling it's not enabling
  • 00:38:28
    avoidance it's just letting the feeling
  • 00:38:30
    exist so here's an example from the book
  • 00:38:32
    I know you have so much work on your
  • 00:38:33
    plate tonight and it's so overwhelming I
  • 00:38:35
    wish I could wave a magic wand and make
  • 00:38:37
    your deadline disappear but I know
  • 00:38:39
    you've got this another example I know
  • 00:38:41
    it feels like your mom is going to
  • 00:38:43
    squish you like a bug when you tell her
  • 00:38:44
    something she doesn't want to hear but I
  • 00:38:46
    know you can get through 30 seconds long
  • 00:38:48
    enough to nod and smile and make your
  • 00:38:50
    exit a very common experiences of
  • 00:38:52
    feeling overworked and having to deal
  • 00:38:54
    with a difficult parent you don't have
  • 00:38:56
    to make it go away you you just have to
  • 00:38:57
    acknowledge that they are in a difficult
  • 00:39:00
    situation it feels icky the partner
  • 00:39:02
    understands that and the partner is
  • 00:39:04
    right there with them Shield's also said
  • 00:39:05
    that she got a question about how to
  • 00:39:07
    balance healthy acceptance versus being
  • 00:39:09
    a doormat so essentially people are
  • 00:39:11
    having trouble understanding where's the
  • 00:39:13
    line between being a doormat and but
  • 00:39:16
    also like emotionally regulating and
  • 00:39:18
    letting some things go like how do I
  • 00:39:20
    know what I'm do when I'm doing it right
  • 00:39:21
    so to speak and sheeld said that she
  • 00:39:23
    used to say like use your emotions as a
  • 00:39:26
    barometer but she didn't understand why
  • 00:39:28
    that wasn't working she realized that
  • 00:39:29
    people with trauma people who like were
  • 00:39:33
    deeply hurt who not used to safety just
  • 00:39:35
    lacked an internal barometer at all they
  • 00:39:38
    didn't know how to tolerate distress at
  • 00:39:40
    all any level of negative or unpleasant
  • 00:39:43
    emotion was too much for them because
  • 00:39:44
    remember securely attached people are
  • 00:39:46
    able to sort of let go when their
  • 00:39:48
    partner is doing a little bit too much
  • 00:39:50
    when their partner is acting in a way
  • 00:39:52
    that is not securely attached is getting
  • 00:39:54
    defensive is getting avoidant is
  • 00:39:56
    managing is doing something the securely
  • 00:39:59
    attached person does not take it
  • 00:40:00
    personally because the securely attached
  • 00:40:02
    person understands I am me my partner is
  • 00:40:04
    my partner but for people with insecure
  • 00:40:06
    attachment people who do not have
  • 00:40:07
    experience regulating their emotions in
  • 00:40:10
    this way any amount of distress is
  • 00:40:12
    overwhelming at first and so she gave
  • 00:40:14
    people the guideline let go of 20% in
  • 00:40:17
    times of conflict ignore 20% of what
  • 00:40:19
    your partner is saying and now obviously
  • 00:40:21
    20% is not an actual figure like there's
  • 00:40:24
    no mathematics going into this 20% is a
  • 00:40:27
    feeling but it's a small enough number
  • 00:40:30
    that most people are like yeah I can
  • 00:40:31
    like go of 20% that doesn't feel like
  • 00:40:32
    dmat territory I'm still in control 80%
  • 00:40:35
    but it's just a feeling so if your
  • 00:40:36
    partner's in a bad mood if your partner
  • 00:40:38
    is giving some sassy responses if
  • 00:40:40
    they're getting defensive just like let
  • 00:40:41
    go of 20% Bend 20% and then as a result
  • 00:40:45
    of that what ends up happening is that
  • 00:40:47
    the receiving partner starts to get less
  • 00:40:49
    defensive as well because partner a the
  • 00:40:52
    pursuer the one who's like how much do I
  • 00:40:54
    let go 20% okay partner a is like let's
  • 00:40:57
    chill out a little bit and they're
  • 00:40:58
    giving off a more calm demeanor and not
  • 00:41:01
    engaging in some sort of insecure
  • 00:41:04
    attachment like stress response and so
  • 00:41:06
    as a result partner B is decreasing
  • 00:41:09
    defensiveness they feel less controlled
  • 00:41:12
    they feel less anxiety and they're
  • 00:41:14
    starting to feel moments where they
  • 00:41:16
    genuinely enjoy each other and then soon
  • 00:41:18
    partnering is able to let go of 30%
  • 00:41:21
    without catastrophizing because they
  • 00:41:23
    genuinely feel better they genuinely
  • 00:41:25
    feel safer in the relationship sh so 30%
  • 00:41:28
    doesn't feel like a doormat either and
  • 00:41:30
    so this begins a wonderful cycle of
  • 00:41:34
    strengthening the relationship and
  • 00:41:36
    making them feel safer with one another
  • 00:41:38
    it's regulating their nervous systems
  • 00:41:40
    now you may be thinking I'm not in a
  • 00:41:42
    relationship right now how do I practice
  • 00:41:44
    this stuff okay so she gives you a few
  • 00:41:46
    suggestions mindfulness is the ultimate
  • 00:41:49
    suggestion mindfulness is about noticing
  • 00:41:51
    what thoughts and Sensations enter your
  • 00:41:53
    mind and your body without adding
  • 00:41:55
    judgment without adding meaning to it it
  • 00:41:57
    cuz that's what this is all about we're
  • 00:41:59
    adding meaning to little things that
  • 00:42:01
    happened with our partner and that leads
  • 00:42:02
    to conflict or withdrawal and that's the
  • 00:42:05
    problem and so if you are trying to heal
  • 00:42:08
    an attachment style without a partner
  • 00:42:10
    you can still notice your Tendencies
  • 00:42:13
    within yourself the idea is to make it a
  • 00:42:15
    habit to take notice of your thoughts
  • 00:42:17
    and Sensations earlier in the process
  • 00:42:20
    and with more distance before they start
  • 00:42:22
    to spiral into assumptions and
  • 00:42:24
    catastrophe where you start to
  • 00:42:25
    internalize it as meaning something
  • 00:42:27
    about ego right like that ego insult the
  • 00:42:30
    ego obliteration that whole thing you
  • 00:42:32
    want to distance yourself from any
  • 00:42:34
    meanings that and and catastrophizing
  • 00:42:36
    that comes into your head and body now
  • 00:42:38
    and she says try to practice mindfulness
  • 00:42:40
    for a few minutes every single day
  • 00:42:41
    several times a day and eventually you
  • 00:42:43
    will notice your thoughts and
  • 00:42:44
    assumptions and Sensations more
  • 00:42:45
    naturally because right now if you have
  • 00:42:47
    an insecure attachment style you are
  • 00:42:49
    also not attuned to yourself you don't
  • 00:42:51
    know what's going on in yourself you are
  • 00:42:53
    not aware of your thoughts and your
  • 00:42:55
    feelings as they are right now and
  • 00:42:57
    you're reacting in stress response kind
  • 00:42:59
    of ways which are causing conflict to
  • 00:43:02
    continue on the solo treatment thing she
  • 00:43:04
    also recommends seeking out therapy or
  • 00:43:05
    medication if you have anxiety or PTSD
  • 00:43:08
    or a traumatic experience of some kind
  • 00:43:10
    obviously she can't prescribe that for
  • 00:43:12
    everybody but she said like it's worth
  • 00:43:14
    considering if you have that history she
  • 00:43:17
    also says that somatic practices
  • 00:43:19
    breathing really helps regulate the
  • 00:43:21
    nervous system and she actually put a
  • 00:43:24
    resource in the book that I will link in
  • 00:43:25
    the description finally she also talks
  • 00:43:28
    about self-care but she calls self-care
  • 00:43:30
    nesting behaviors which I actually
  • 00:43:32
    really like she says they engage in
  • 00:43:34
    effortful gentle not always fun routines
  • 00:43:37
    that are in service to your future self
  • 00:43:40
    that doesn't always have to do with your
  • 00:43:41
    relationship let's say you're trying to
  • 00:43:43
    get basics down like you want to
  • 00:43:45
    normalize your sleep schedule and you
  • 00:43:46
    want to eat a healthy lunch every day
  • 00:43:48
    pick one like if you like nail the sleep
  • 00:43:51
    schedule before you worry about the
  • 00:43:52
    lunch that sort of thing be gentle with
  • 00:43:54
    yourself if you're trying to be more
  • 00:43:56
    active why why don't you try like going
  • 00:43:58
    for a walk gentle walk every day before
  • 00:44:01
    you start training for the 5K right just
  • 00:44:03
    do little things for yourself that are
  • 00:44:05
    in service of your future self I'm going
  • 00:44:07
    to leave it there thank you so much for
  • 00:44:08
    getting to the end you're a rockstar
  • 00:44:10
    this has been a doozy of a video I'm
  • 00:44:12
    going to put a playlist up of my
  • 00:44:14
    favorite intentional dating videos if
  • 00:44:16
    that's something you're into please
  • 00:44:18
    consider liking commenting and
  • 00:44:20
    subscribing it really helps me out like
  • 00:44:22
    so much and again thank you for being
  • 00:44:24
    here and for watching bye
タグ
  • attachment styles
  • relationships
  • emotional health
  • self-awareness
  • mindfulness
  • healing
  • attunement
  • insecure attachment
  • secure attachment
  • communication