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I wanted to come on here and talk a bit
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more about mental health and
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specifically some of the struggles that
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I've gone through in my life as a person
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because we a thank is coming up on
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December 6th tickets are on sale you can
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go get them and that's partly why I'm
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here is to try and promote that and sell
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more tickets and get more people in and
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raise more awareness for it so we can
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raise more money for charity but also I
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wanted to open up the conversation about
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mental health a bit more and share some
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of the stuff that I've been through a
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lot of times people see other people in
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positions of success and they think that
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oh they must have it all or they've uh
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achieved success and I'm struggling
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quite a bit but I think a lot of people
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come to me with their stories about
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their lives because I've talked about
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the struggles that I've been through in
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my life I don't know maybe encourage
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other people to kind of talk about their
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own struggles not only in the comments
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of this video feel free to vent all you
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want like other YouTubers and other
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people of influence and other people who
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are in these positions where I think
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talking about mental health can have
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huge knock on effects positively for
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people I personally gravitate towards
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people who are able to be vulnerable who
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are able to be open and transparent and
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honest and talk about the stuff they've
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been through but not really let it
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Define who they are as people and I try
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and live my life that way as well I've
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been going to therapy now for the last
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two years very frequently like at least
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once a week and I think it's had a huge
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influence on me as a person and trying
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to view myself differently and trying to
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go easier on myself and a lot of the
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struggles that I've been through as a
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kid and things like that I didn't
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realize I had gone through in 2017 I
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talked about having the worst year of my
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life and having some of the biggest
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mental health struggles that I've ever
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had and I think mainly I started getting
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my confidence sort of shook because of
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different things that had happened that
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year publicly in like 2014 to 2016 I
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think that was probably the biggest
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years of my career in terms of like
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growth relevance uh people tuning in the
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amount of people who were just so
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enamored with the Jack Sepp the guy
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Channel and would just do anything to
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watch it and come home every day from
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school and watch it so much or college
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or work I feel like those are probably
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the golden years of probably just gaming
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on YouTube in general 2017 I felt like a
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lot of stuff was starting to shift and I
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personally didn't really know what I was
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doing and where I was going and I
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struggled a lot with my identity I
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realized that I was doing YouTube so
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vigorously for so long that I was
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starting to get a bit burnt out in it
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and I needed to take some more breaks
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for myself
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but in doing in taking breaks you stop
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the treadmill that you've been on a lot
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of people were watching me because
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they've just done it all the time and
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when you kind of put a stop on that they
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realize oh man I realize that I don't
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even want to watch this anymore and they
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don't really come back after that
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totally fine that's how humans work but
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for me as a person I didn't really know
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how to deal with any of that I didn't
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know how to take breaks I didn't know
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where I fit in in the YouTube landscape
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anymore and I was pushing myself through
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a lot of stuff to to just do I was just
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doing and I I wasn't happy with my life
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I was in a relationship that I wasn't
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happy with that was very bad for my
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mental health it's done that
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relationship's over we can move on I
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want to be able to talk about things
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openly without people having to start
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throwing stones in my defense in any
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different direction that's not what this
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community's ever been about there was a
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lot of stuff like that where being in a
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relationship that was bad for me
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mentally being in a position that I was
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in career-wise that was kind of bad for
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me mentally sort of forcing my way
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through things without thinking that was
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the first time where I ever had to like
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wrestle with who I was and what was
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happening with me and people's sort of
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opinions and ideas around me changed and
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it was quite hard for me to figure that
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out I'm such a people pleaser person
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that when any sort of dissent comes my
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way I have like younger child neglectful
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parent rejection sensitivity my barriers
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go up I start making jokes and try and
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figure out why people don't like me and
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I have a really hard at least I used to
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have a much harder time with people not
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liking me and in 2017 a lot of that came
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to a head where at the end of the year
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during Christmas I was alone
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purposefully like I could have been
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around more people if I wanted to be but
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I wanted to figure out like okay end of
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the year I want to know who I am and
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what I'm doing and I want to be by
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myself and I just want to think and
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figure things out I remember especially
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over the Christmas period that's usually
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the time when people are together more
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and I wanted to see if I could weather
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that alone because I realized that I
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never really really tried to be by
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myself more and kind of like treat
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myself as a friend I had never done that
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before and like sit by yourself and your
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own thoughts and see what they were
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actually saying to you instead of
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filling it with work and other people
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that was probably the roughest time ever
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because I was trying to fill my time
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with games and I was playing a lot of
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Persona 5 which great game by the way I
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was playing that at one point I just
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paused it and I was kind of like sitting
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there and I balled my eyes out I didn't
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know if people even cared about me I
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started thinking about suicide for the
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first first time in my life I mean not
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the first time but this was the first
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time that I legitimately thought about
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it as a thing for me like I thought
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about the act of doing it and everything
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and I I caught myself in that moment and
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realized that that's like the first time
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that that's ever happened I realized
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that something's wrong that I didn't
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really entertain that for that long but
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it was the first time in my life where I
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was like would people even miss me if I
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was
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gone um and that sort of set off alarm
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bells in my head that that wasn't normal
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for me I'd never really thought that as
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seriously as that before so that was
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where the sort of PMA stuff was born
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from in all of 2018 because that was
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going to be my Mantra to kind of treat
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myself better not sweat smaller things
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and try and be a bit more positive
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towards myself but I wanted to have sort
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of a mantra for myself to kind of like
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help me get through the day and be a bit
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more optimistic about things cuz it's
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easy to sort of dwell in that negative
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space and then not know what to do with
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it and I I definitely got to like my
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rock bottom after that I really made a
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concerted effort to kind of like figure
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myself out and to work on myself and to
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try and go easier on myself didn't work
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it wasn't until probably last year or
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this year that I feel like I finally
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started cutting myself some slack I've
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got a much better healthier relationship
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with my channel and my work and just my
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personal life and I've started to Value
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different things a bit more but it's
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still a struggle all the time I mean I
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live here in Brighton and we have some
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people that we can hang out with like PJ
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and Sophie are always around as good
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friends but I used to have so many more
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friends who lived in Brighton and now
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they all kind of moved away which again
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is fine they're they're allowed to do
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that but I realized how lonely I started
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to get and I I watched a video one time
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talking about like male loneliness in
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your
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30s and apparently that's a big thing
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for a lot of men when they hit 30 to
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kind of like re-evaluate their lives and
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for me it definitely was a case of
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figuring out where I fit in things um
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some friendships that I had weren't what
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I thought they were they weren't as good
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as I thought they were and I felt sort
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of discarded and devalued as a person
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and I'm also someone who will put the
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blame entirely on myself for that in
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those moments and then just be like well
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clearly there's something wrong with me
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cuz more people don't want to hang out
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with me or trying to like keep
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friendships that are online only is very
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difficult for me because I I just don't
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like doing that I need that face Toof
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face personal connection I think going
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through Co there was a lot of people who
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were going through the same situation
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where they were all locked inside and we
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couldn't go anywhere and I felt like oh
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we're all sort of going through the same
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thing and it made it a bit easier but
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after that when the world started
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opening up again and everyone was
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hanging out with each other again I kind
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of like sat around and I'm like I don't
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have that many like close friendships
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that I can kind of like lean on to talk
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to people and that kind of scared me
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because then I like lean more into
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YouTube and you guys as an audience and
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that's also not that healthy for me to
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do and I I still kind of struggle with
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it I get pretty
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lonely like very often and I've started
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to like notice some of the patterns in
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like the relationships I have with other
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men and that kind of like I'm kind of
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like still seeking out big brothers
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because I feel like my brothers weren't
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really there for me as much as I wanted
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when I was younger or like I'm a person
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who really likes connecting with other
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people but I don't have much opportunity
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to do that in the position that I'm in
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like here where I live now and it takes
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quite a considerable amount of effort to
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make it happen which is also energy that
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I don't have most of the time because if
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you're depressed and you have ADHD your
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your brain is not really working the way
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you wanted to I'm also getting a test
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for autism next week cuz I'm pretty sure
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I'm also autistic which makes it harder
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for me to kind of like retain
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friendships because uh it could be ADHD
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as well but I also feel like I'm a very
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like out of sight out of mind and then
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it's difficult to describe but it's a
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lot of the stuff that I'm doing work on
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myself for but in the last couple of
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years I've opened up some wounds that I
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didn't know were there and I've picked
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out some scabs emotionally to try and
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like get to the depths of why I feel
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certain things and why I am the way I am
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and it's been quite uncomfortable to do
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that and sometimes I leave therapy and
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I'll just be so drained that I won't be
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able to do anything for the rest of the
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day I left therapy two weeks ago and I
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was talking about a particularly
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difficult subject which again is also
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difficult for me because sometimes I
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can't talk about the things publicly
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because it involves other people that
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will start turning into something that I
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don't want it to and it's very difficult
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for me to not be able to like be honest
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and not be truthful and not kind of like
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speak my mind when I'm kind of like and
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I have to put the safety on or I have to
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be like dumbed down or muted a bit I
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have a difficult time with that um it's
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also something I'm trying to like learn
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to deal with but when I left therapy
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like two weeks ago I left and I was like
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I think that was a good session we
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talked about a lot of good stuff and I
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just left and met up at Evelyn
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afterwards and I just balded my eyes out
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and it was just like such a release that
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I like said stuff that I didn't really
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say out loud before it just felt really
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healthy to do that like you have to go
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through a lot of the difficult stuff to
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kind of come out the other side a bit
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better and I'm not saying any of this
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stuff to sort of paint myself in a a
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victim light or I'm not trying to like
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put pity on myself or anything I think
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anybody that's watching me for any
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length of time knows that I don't view
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myself that way or try not to I'm
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talking about this because I'm trying to
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be as vulnerable as I can be show myself
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warts blisters and all I still have a
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hard time with myself mentally 24/7 my
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brain is always always always working
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trying to figure out what other people
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are thinking overanalyzing other people
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overanalyzing myself picking up
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everything in my environment all around
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me all the time again another reason why
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I'm getting check for autism my brain is
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just so busy all the time that most of
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the time I have a hard time just getting
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through the day as healthy as I'm trying
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to be and as much better as I am now
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compared to what I was a few years ago
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it's still a struggle but I've just
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gotten better at now kind of like
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knowing my boundaries and my limits
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where I can sort of pump the brakes take
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some time for myself and just level out
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instead of overloading myself and I'm
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someone who's in a very fortunate
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position that I can do that I can wake
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up someday and be like I don't want to
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work today not everybody has that it's
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very very difficult to be someone who
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has mental health problems and you have
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to go to a 9 to-5 all the time I can't
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imagine how difficult that is for some
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people as someone who's never really had
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a 9-to-5 job I got very lucky with
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YouTube early on and it worked out and I
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worked hard at it but let's face it I've
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never really worked a 9 to-5 job like
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most people have so it's difficult and a
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lot of people just don't want to hear it
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there's probably a ton of people who've
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watched this video now who are kind of
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like rolling their eyes or turned it off
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or don't want to hear about it it's a
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difficult thing because that permeates
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everybody everybody has mental health
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struggles just some people are better at
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hiding them some people don't want to
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talk about them some people think they
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don't have them and they just push
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through life but I feel like in this day
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and age with everything that's going on
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the amount of War that's happening in
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the world with the amount of election
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turmoil that's been happening it feels
00:12:23
very difficult to kind of like get
00:12:25
through your day without being anxious
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these days at least for me I I have a
00:12:30
hard time doing it and I'm trying my
00:12:32
best to to not have that be a thing but
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it's just so difficult I also wanted to
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say this kind of stuff to relate to
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other people a bit more and maybe you
00:12:43
can't relate to some of the things I'm
00:12:44
talking about because it's very specific
00:12:46
to like being a YouTuber maybe there are
00:12:47
some people who feel what I'm saying but
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just to anybody out there who is going
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through mental health difficulties and
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what what did it say in like an eighth
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of the world has it and the way the
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world is designed and the way the
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internet is designed and the way
00:13:04
algorithms are designed and social media
00:13:06
and everything it's just really hard to
00:13:08
not find yourself waiting into
00:13:10
negativity without realizing you're in
00:13:13
it so I just wanted to do this video to
00:13:15
kind of like air it all out say it's
00:13:18
okay it's fine you're you're allowed go
00:13:20
through mental health struggles it's
00:13:22
okay to take breaks and time for
00:13:23
yourself it's not selfish you would be
00:13:26
shocked to know how many people are
00:13:28
going through the exact same situation
00:13:30
as you there's stuff that I've never
00:13:31
really talked about publicly and I guess
00:13:33
it's a good time to kind of like mention
00:13:35
some things like being in a household
00:13:38
that had alcoholism rampant in it the
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talk of suicide the act of suicide has
00:13:43
been around in my family and my town and
00:13:45
people I've known not only that but
00:13:47
having people in my family Point guns at
00:13:49
each other and say that they're going to
00:13:52
kill someone and then take their own
00:13:53
life is something that I thought was so
00:13:58
specific to me and talking about it at
00:14:00
therapy and kind of like opening up a
00:14:03
bit more about these kinds of things you
00:14:04
realize that no it may be a bit more
00:14:08
unique but other people have gone
00:14:09
through very very similar things in
00:14:12
their lives and it feels good at least
00:14:16
to me knowing that you're not alone that
00:14:18
you're not broken that there's something
00:14:20
not inherently completely wrong with you
00:14:22
that other people will never understand
00:14:24
because they will there's tons and tons
00:14:27
and tons of people un fortunately who
00:14:29
are going through other stuff as well
00:14:31
but who can understand what you're going
00:14:33
through and especially organizations
00:14:35
like Samaritans and crisis text line
00:14:37
they're also there for you if you need
00:14:39
help if you feel like there's no one to
00:14:40
turn to they have qualified people who
00:14:42
can talk you through situations and you
00:14:44
may think oh I don't want to bother them
00:14:46
oh what I'm going through is not as bad
00:14:48
as somebody else just please do it if
00:14:50
you feel like you need someone to talk
00:14:51
to there is someone out there that can
00:14:54
listen and that's why we're doing it it
00:14:56
feels like mental health is sort of the
00:14:58
backbone of of society and community and
00:15:01
it's it feels like it's being pulled at
00:15:03
the seams right now it feels like the
00:15:05
threads are being undone I'm trying to
00:15:08
do something that reinforces the fact
00:15:10
that there is positivity still out there
00:15:12
that we can battle through it that we
00:15:13
can Wade through the problems of the
00:15:15
world and I've I've always said it
00:15:17
despite how difficult it may seem that
00:15:19
positivity and progress will always
00:15:22
happen under the surface anyway and I
00:15:25
still hold that true I still think that
00:15:27
that's something that's been really
00:15:29
important to me and something that kind
00:15:30
of like helps me get through the day so
00:15:31
that's kind of it I don't really know
00:15:33
what this video is but I just wanted to
00:15:34
sit down and talk and just kind of like
00:15:37
Get thoughts out but also to talk about
00:15:39
thankas December 6th it'll be in person
00:15:42
we'll have two shows at the orfium
00:15:43
theater in LA on December 6th there's an
00:15:45
early show and a later show they'll be
00:15:47
slightly different from each other like
00:15:49
they were last year it will also be
00:15:51
streamed of course but I also we have
00:15:53
seats to sell and I I would love to see
00:15:56
so many people at the show in person
00:15:58
because I'm trying to reinforce that
00:16:00
idea of community and coming together
00:16:02
and being in the same place as one
00:16:04
another and like seeing each other face
00:16:06
to face and not just dealing with each
00:16:08
other on the internet all the time I
00:16:09
think is a really big thing for this
00:16:12
current climate that we're in and I care
00:16:14
very very deeply about mental health and
00:16:16
I always have I want to reinforce that I
00:16:18
want to raise awareness for it I want to
00:16:20
try and raise as much money as we can
00:16:21
for it to train more counselers for both
00:16:23
of these organizations and just try and
00:16:25
make the world just that tiny bit better
00:16:27
we've raised $26 million and I'm hoping
00:16:29
that we can push it over 30 for thankas
00:16:31
this year and I think that that goal is
00:16:33
very achievable and I can't wait to see
00:16:35
what we're able to do as a community
00:16:38
together but not only ours but
00:16:39
everybody's you can also sign up to do
00:16:41
thank miss yourself any of your
00:16:42
communities uh if you go to thank. Dil
00:16:44
tiltify decom it'll be in the
00:16:46
description you can sign up and make a
00:16:47
page for yourself other YouTubers can do
00:16:49
it if you're watching this other
00:16:50
streamers can do it it doesn't matter
00:16:52
your size it doesn't matter how much you
00:16:53
want to raise it's all going towards the
00:16:55
same cause so please go out spread the
00:16:57
word let people know that thank m is not
00:16:59
only happening that you can watch it and
00:17:00
raise money for it that you can join in
00:17:02
and raise money for it if you want to
00:17:04
with your own communities you can come
00:17:07
and see the show live if you want to
00:17:09
with your friends or on your own there
00:17:11
will be tons of people that you can make
00:17:13
friends with just please spread the word
00:17:14
that it's happening I want more people
00:17:16
to know about that it's going on and I
00:17:17
feel like whenever these things are
00:17:18
coming up I don't talk about it enough
00:17:20
and then it happens and I'm like ah
00:17:21
here's me trying my best I want people
00:17:24
to sort of break down their walls a bit
00:17:26
more and be more open and vable with
00:17:29
each other as much as you're comfortable
00:17:30
thank you guys so much for listening and
00:17:32
I'll see you next time
![The Yellow Bear [FNAF/VHS]](https://ruhnrawpgxrzdrgaohnf.supabase.co/storage/v1/object/public/images/video/DuVbkQN6U_U/thumbnail.jpg)
