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have you ever wondered if there's a
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quick and easy way to check if someone's
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a narcissist whether it's a boss or
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cooworker or someone you've just met or
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even somebody that you've cared about
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for a long time when you're dealing with
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a narcissist the goal is not only to
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spot them as early as possible but to
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actively repel them and this can save
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you years of manipulation stress and
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emotional abuse if you're an empathetic
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giving and caring person this test is
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crucial because you're exactly the type
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of person they target I've spent the
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last 20 years researching the connection
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between selfworth and narcissistic
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relationships as a coach author and
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someone who's lived these challenges
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firsthand I know how devastating a
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narcissis can be in this video I'll
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share a simple 5-second test that you
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can use anywhere at any time real life
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examples for how to use it and simple
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strategies to empower you in any
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situation let's begin by breaking down
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the mindset of a narcissist so you have
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a clear picture of their motivation and
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who they target imagine you're at a
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dinner party or or maybe at work or at a
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family function first let's look at your
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mindset in these kind of situations
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maybe you're looking for someone that
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you can connect with or someone who
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seems likable or friendly or perhaps
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you're feeling insecure and you hope to
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blend in you might also see somebody
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laughing and carefree and feel drawn
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towards them now for contrast I want you
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to step into the dark and empty world of
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a narcissist narcissists are fragile and
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desperate which makes them Fierce
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Predators but luckily very predictable
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to best understand them imagine you're a
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predator on the hunt they need their
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next meal or they will not survive when
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you're this desperate you're not looking
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for connection or kindness at every
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dinner party work meeting date or family
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holiday you have two questions in mind
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who will give me what I want and how
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quickly will they give it to me so what
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do they actually want narcissistic
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Supply which is essentially time
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attention and energy that narcissists
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use to feed their ego and artificially
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boost their sense of self this can come
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in the form of pray
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sympathy emotional reactions or even the
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control that they can exert over others
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without this Supply their fragile sense
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of self crumbles leading them to
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constantly hunt for new sources to
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maintain their inflated self- fantasy
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just like a vampire can't live without
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blood a narcissist can't survive without
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narcissistic Supply your time your
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attention and energy spent reinforcing
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their personal fantasy think of
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narcissistic Supply as currency currency
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as in money a medium of exch change a
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measure of value or a means of payment
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and also currency as in electricity the
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classic example of energy currency this
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is what the narcissist is checking will
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you give me the currency I want and how
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quickly will you give it to me they test
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for this immediately by pressing on
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three specific boundaries the word
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boundaries gets tossed around a lot but
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what does that actually mean for our
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purposes think about boundaries in a
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super simple way a boundary is a
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property line around something that you
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own this makes sense if you think of
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about a fence around your yard that's
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the boundary line inside the fence is
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yours and outside the fence is not yours
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the 5-second test that I'll teach you is
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designed as the flip side to the
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narcissist test for you so first I'll
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quickly outline the specific way that
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they test you what they say and how they
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check to see if you're a usable Target
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narcissists check for Supply by pushing
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against a particular boundary your
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invisible fence line around what they
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want most your currency time attention
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and energy they'll quickly set you up to
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State your boundary and then they'll
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gradually push against that line to see
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if you're willing to bend this happens
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so quickly that you might miss it so
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here are a couple quick scenarios to
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help demonstrate to see if they can
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cross your time boundaries they might
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ask something like what are you doing
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this afternoon that's the setup you
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might say something like I don't really
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have anything planned or I'm pretty worn
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out and I'm just looking to go home and
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relax your response is the boundary now
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they'll want to see how flimsy this
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boundary is and they want to see if they
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can manipulate you into allowing them to
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cross it they need your time to
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reinforce their fragile self-image so
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they apply as little pressure as
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possible to see how easily and quickly
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you'll Bend showing them how useful
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you'll be to them they might take a beat
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or maybe even change the subject before
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trying to get you to change your plans
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they might say oh that's a bummer
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there's a great band playing tonight at
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the club or at work they might say I'm
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really stressed about this project and I
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need your input their test is first to
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see if there is a boundary around your
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time and and then to check if you're
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willing to change it to see if they can
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cross your attention boundaries they'll
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wait for the moment where you're focused
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on something else you might be in a
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conversation texting someone or
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listening to a presentation and that's
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the setup your attention is elsewhere
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remember you own your stream of
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attention and there's an invisible line
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between you and your focus they might
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say something like hey I just need to
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ask you something real quick or they
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might tap your shoulder or they may come
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into your space to see if they can break
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your concentration they might talk over
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your conversation or stand in between
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you and the TV show you're watching this
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is a test to see if they can divert your
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attention to feed their need for
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narcissistic Supply to see if they can
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cross your energy boundaries which
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includes anything that depletes your
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health and resources they might Target
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your financial physical emotional
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spiritual or mental health even though
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this might sound really difficult to
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test for narcissists have spent their
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whole lives honing these skills and are
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very adaptive finding ways to get their
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needs met so this setup is easy to miss
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they might forget their wallet or they
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might forget you ask for a day off or
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act confused when you explain that your
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feelings are hurt or insist that you get
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upset with them over their latest drama
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the setup is to put you in an extremely
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uncomfortable position if you don't give
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them your energy for example if they
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forgot their wallet you have to decide
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whether to protect your energy monetary
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currency or face an uncomfortable
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situation this is the boundary violation
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they push against the invisible line of
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what's yours and try to make it theirs
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the same goes for forgetting the day off
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they put you in a position where you
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must spend energy explaining or working
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this double bind is so uncomfortable
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that we often give in just to make it go
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away and we might think that we didn't
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explain the boundary well enough or that
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it's our responsibility to have better
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boundaries but here's the deal they
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always know where the boundary line is
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they are simply checking to see if you
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will uphold it which takes us finally to
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the actual test when someone comes close
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to the lines around your time attention
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or your energy you are going to smile
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and say no I'm not available for that or
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that doesn't work for me for example in
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the time boundary scenario after they
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say something like oh bummer there's a
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great band that's playing at the club
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tonight you're going to be friendly and
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also give a deadend no then you're going
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to watch what they do if they have a
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false smile and are trying to manipulate
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you their face will immediately change
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their smile will immediately Fall Away
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they might even become more calculated
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and up the pressure to see if you're
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going to bend an escalation might sound
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like oh I have these two tickets and I'd
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feel terrible about letting them go to
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waste they are testing you here and then
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you test back friendly and engaging and
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repeat the boundary I'm not available if
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someone is trying to violate an
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attention boundary refuse to give away
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your power by taking control of the
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interruption if you're talking to a
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friend and someone interrupts say
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something like pardon the interruption
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to your friend and then shift the
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attention to the possible narcissist I'm
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in a conversation right now and then go
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back to your friend if you're watching a
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show press pause and say I'm watching
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this right now this strategy here is to
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name the boundary violation making it
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clear that they are interrupting and
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that your attention is your asset and
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that you're going to protect it do not
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give them your attention and instead
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take an empowered stance with a friendly
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firm no or I'm already focused on a
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specific task or I can't take that on
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right now again you're going to watch
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their response see if their face shifts
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see if they have any remorse for the
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interruption or if they escalate you'll
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test in a similar way for the energy
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boundary violation this one really comes
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down to a matter of how long you're
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willing to be uncomfortable if they
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forgot their wallet you're going to say
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something like no problem you can V on
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me and then you're going to lightly
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smile and wait this might be super
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uncomfortable in fact a narcissist is
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counting on the fact that you'd rather
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pay their bill than have to endure this
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discomfort if they're having some sort
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of emotional tantrum trying to bait you
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into an energetic investment refuse to
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give your emotional energy refuse to
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meet them in their tantrum space and
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give them a way to interact in a way
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that isn't violating your boundary
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remain calm and friendly and say
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something like I trust that you know
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what's best for you or I'm confident
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that you'll figure this out it's the
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emotional equivalent of not paying their
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share of the bill you politely refuse to
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engage in the Tantrum just remember this
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is a test they're pushing on your
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boundaries to see if you will uphold
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them this is like a game of chicken so
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sit tight and wait to see what happens
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regardless of the situation this test
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relies on your ability to spot the
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boundary violation and then to remain
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calm and friendly and be willing to be
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uncomfortable while you wait for the
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reaction remember do not apologize
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that shows that if they work hard enough
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they can get you to bend do not explain
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that gives them more information to use
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against you do not justify that shows
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them that you're uncomfortable saying no
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when someone tries to get you to bend
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your boundaries around your time
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attention or energy follow this simple
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process to check to see if they might be
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a narcissist smile and say no I'm not
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available for that or that doesn't work
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for me and then count to five in your
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head while remaining friendly and firm
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and observe their reaction a reasonable
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person will respect your boundary and
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acknowledge your decision without
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pushing further they might say something
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like oh okay no problem and then move on
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without any fuss however a narcissist
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who's checking to see if you'll be their
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next Target will likely escalate their
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attempts to manipulate or pressure you
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they might become more insistent try to
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guilt trip you or change tactics to see
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if you're going to bend for example they
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might say You're really the only person
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I can count count on for this or if you
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don't help me I don't know what I'm
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going to do by using this 5-second test
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you quickly expose their true intention
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a narcissist reaction to your firm but
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friendly boundary within those 5 seconds
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will reveal their predatory nature
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helping you identify and avoid them
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before they can manipulate you further
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if this person is a narcissist their
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response is going to depend on two
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things if you have history they'll try
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to use tactics that have worked on you
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in the past and they'll escalate that
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manipulation if they don't know you
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they'll either drop you immediately and
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move on to an easier Target or they'll
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know you're on to them and perceive you
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as a threat once the narcissist knows
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that you see through their facade
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they'll quickly escalate and if you
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don't know what to look for or how to
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defend yourself it could cost you your
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livelihood your family and your
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reputation so click this video next to
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learn the three main tactics to expect
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when they know that you're on to them
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making sure that you're always one step
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ahead
