How to Communicate Effectively During Arguments (Without Making it Worse!)

00:08:32
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jMG6Q0MGdMc

Resumo

TLDRThe video discusses the importance of learning to handle high-stake situations and introduces two techniques for deescalating volatile interactions: matching and mirroring. This involves aligning your body language and vocal tone with the person you're interacting with to build rapport and understanding. Context plays a crucial role, as the approach can vary depending on the individual and situation. The speaker shares personal anecdotes illustrating the importance of knowing when to match someone's energy and when to adopt a different approach. If unsure or dealing with a stranger, it may be best to leave the situation to prevent escalation. The speaker also emphasizes the need for flexibility and the importance of understanding your communication partner. Additionally, they extend an invitation to a master class to further develop communication skills.

Conclusões

  • 🎭 Matching and mirroring are key techniques to build rapport.
  • 📘 Context matters in applying communication techniques.
  • 🎤 Vocal tone alignment can aid in deescalating situations.
  • 💡 Know when to match energy or adopt calmness.
  • 🧠 Flexibility in communication is crucial for effectiveness.
  • 🔗 Building rapport involves understanding the other person's needs.
  • ⏱ Trial and error are part of mastering communication.
  • 🚪 Sometimes it's best to leave volatile situations.
  • 👥 Deepening relationships requires emotional awareness.
  • 🌟 Effective communication requires knowing multiple styles.
  • 🛑 Avoid potential explosions by timing exits correctly.
  • 📚 A master class is available for further learning.

Linha do tempo

  • 00:00:00 - 00:08:32

    Learning to handle high-stakes situations is crucial. The speaker introduces "matching and mirroring" as a powerful communication tool, promoting rapport through body language and vocal tone matching. Using a story about his wife, the speaker illustrates how matching emotions can foster connection, contrasting this with a calm approach that may seem unfeeling. He emphasizes the importance of context and knowing your audience. In another example involving his father, the speaker explains how mirroring anger didn't work in defusing tension, but a calm, empathetic response improved communication and deepened their relationship. Thus, he concludes that effective communication isn't about following a single rule but understanding different contexts and mastering various communication tools, including vocal archetypes and storytelling techniques. He also suggests leaving volatile situations with strangers to avoid escalating them. Finally, he invites the audience to a free masterclass on conversational skills, indicating the complexity and value of mastering communication.

Mapa mental

Vídeo de perguntas e respostas

  • What is matching and mirroring?

    Matching and mirroring is a communication technique that involves mimicking another person's body language or vocal tone to create rapport.

  • How can you apply matching and mirroring in real-life situations?

    By aligning your body language and tone with the person you are communicating with, you create a sense of similarity and understanding.

  • What should you do if matching energy backfires?

    In some situations, particularly with individuals like a parent who is frustrated, adopting a calm demeanor might be more effective than matching their intensity.

  • How did the speaker learn about these techniques?

    The speaker learned through trial and error in their personal relationships, understanding what works best for each individual.

  • What can you do if you don't know the person in a volatile situation?

    Leaving the situation is advised if you don't know the person, to prevent escalation and avoid conflict.

  • Why is context important in communication?

    Context helps determine the appropriate response method, as different people and situations require different approaches.

  • How can you deepen relationships through communication?

    By understanding and responding appropriately to others' emotions and needs, you can build stronger connections.

  • What should you do if a situation is too volatile?

    It's recommended to calmly disengage and return to the conversation once emotions have settled.

  • Why is flexibility important in communication?

    Being flexible allows you to adjust your approaches to different contexts and people, thereby improving communication effectiveness.

  • What is the speaker's recommendation for improving communication skills?

    The speaker recommends attending their master class to learn more about communication frameworks and skills.

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  • 00:00:00
    this is something most people don't
  • 00:00:01
    think about learning how to handle high
  • 00:00:03
    stake situations is a critical skill in
  • 00:00:05
    this video I'm going to teach you two
  • 00:00:07
    ways to deescalate volatile situations
  • 00:00:10
    one of the most important rules and one
  • 00:00:12
    of the most powerful rules in
  • 00:00:13
    communication is this idea of matching
  • 00:00:16
    and mirroring if someone comes up to you
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    and they've got very big body language
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    and you play with very small body
  • 00:00:20
    language well then they're not going to
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    feel as connected to you and the idea
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    behind matching and mirroring is because
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    if we look like someone and we act like
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    someone well then we have a lot in
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    common already and therefore there's
  • 00:00:31
    going to be more Rapport now matching
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    and mirroring you can do this with your
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    body language you can match and mirror
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    someone and you can also match and
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    mirror someone with your vocal
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    foundations and I'm not saying you being
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    fake and then all of a sudden you
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    putting on a weird accent because the
  • 00:00:43
    other person has one as well no no I'm
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    not talking about that so if someone
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    comes up to you they use big body
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    language you now start to use big body
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    language too they're going to feel in
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    more rapport with you and then if
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    they're using a strong and loud voice
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    and then you also appear with a strong
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    and loud voice and use big body language
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    then that person is going to think well
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    this person seems a lot like me so if
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    they seem a lot like me then all of a
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    sudden they're going to feel more
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    connected to me the first example I want
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    to give you is with my wife so when my
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    wife gets angry at me this used to
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    happen before uh doesn't happen as much
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    anymore uh I I have been able to evolve
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    as a husband but this is what my wife
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    would often say to me and this is how
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    she would often say it to me far out I
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    i' I'm so sick of waiting for you it's
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    it's it's 8:00 at night you said you'd
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    be finished by 7 but then I walk in and
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    you're still in the office I was still
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    learning about my wife at the time this
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    is us early in our marriage and I
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    thought oh you know what I'm going to be
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    really calm and I responded to her by
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    saying look one of the reasons I'm in
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    the office still right now is because
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    I'm trying to work for our family I'm
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    trying to work for us to have a better
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    future a future where we can negotiate
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    whatever reality we desire I'm not just
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    doing this for me I'm doing this for me
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    and you and then my wife is the kind of
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    woman that when I do that when she is
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    heated and I'm really calm it drives her
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    nuts in her mind as we've learned about
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    each other in her mind her delivery of
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    what she said was filled with emotion
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    passion and that you know she really
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    loves me and then when I give her like a
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    neutral reply to her in her head is that
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    I don't care is that I'm not feeling
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    anything is that I'm not feeling the way
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    she feels so to my wife it's funny it's
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    interesting this is why context and you
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    knowing the person is critical it's not
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    here's one rule use it in every
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    situation that's high stakes that
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    doesn't work that doesn't work context
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    is everything right so with my
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    particular I was about to say with my
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    particular wife I don't have more than
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    one I've just got one so with my wife
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    when she does that when she's like oh my
  • 00:02:32
    God it's it's it's 8:00 p.m. already and
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    you're still in the office you said
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    you'd be done by 700 I'm wait I'm just
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    sitting here waiting for you I feel like
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    I'm wasting my time when I match her
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    vocal foundations when I match her body
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    language and I say look I I I I love you
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    it's why I'm in here pen I'm not just in
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    here because I'm doing it for me I'm in
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    here because I'm trying to create a
  • 00:02:51
    future for us so that we can create a
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    reality any reality we desire when I do
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    that we end up hugging it out and she
  • 00:02:59
    Lov it and then that's when she feels
  • 00:03:01
    that I care she hears that I care she
  • 00:03:04
    can see that I care whereas I used to do
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    the neutral way all the time because I
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    thought oh that's me being the bigger
  • 00:03:10
    person no well that's me being an
  • 00:03:11
    ineffective Communicator because I'm not
  • 00:03:13
    situationally aware and realize what
  • 00:03:15
    that person needs situational awareness
  • 00:03:18
    is very important here context is very
  • 00:03:21
    important here so you've got to
  • 00:03:22
    understand that everyone's different
  • 00:03:23
    I'll give you another example where if
  • 00:03:25
    you match them it backfires I'm going to
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    give you another situation like my my
  • 00:03:27
    dad so when I was a lot younger when I
  • 00:03:29
    was in my 18s I was addicted to gaming I
  • 00:03:31
    loved playing games and my dad would
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    sometimes open my room door suddenly and
  • 00:03:36
    he would be like don't make me come into
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    your room again I've already come in
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    three times in a row if I still see you
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    on your computer I'm going to throw that
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    damn computer out the window as a kid in
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    his late teenss I would match that
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    energy because not because I was a great
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    communicator but more because I was just
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    an ape and uh I was angry so I'd say you
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    don't even know how bad of a day I had
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    at school dad you just don't understand
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    I'm going through a lot right now and
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    this for me is an escapism so I can just
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    have a little bit of time to relax you
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    don't even try to understand me that was
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    it that was a full-blown argument and uh
  • 00:04:07
    dad actually ended up uh yeah destroying
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    one of my computers as a result so that
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    didn't work right context is everything
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    whereas do you know what works with my
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    dad so my dad and I know this cuz I've
  • 00:04:20
    Tri and erid right so my dad sometimes
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    would would come in and this has
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    happened before too and I've been able
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    to work those things out and actually
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    build a deeper relationship with my dad
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    by doing this so my dad comes in slams
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    the door open I'm not going to come in
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    here again if you make me come into your
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    room again and I see you still on the
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    computer I'm going to throw that
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    computer out the window I'm sick of you
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    being on the computer all day every day
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    right so now if I take the more calm
  • 00:04:43
    approach and I use my tonality to share
  • 00:04:45
    how I actually felt on the inside and I
  • 00:04:47
    did something different then I remember
  • 00:04:48
    I did this with my dad I said Hey Dad I
  • 00:04:50
    know you're angry dad I actually had a
  • 00:04:52
    really bad day at school you know and
  • 00:04:55
    some sometimes I feel that I'm not able
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    to communicate how I feel and and some
  • 00:04:59
    sometimes you misunderstand me but Dad I
  • 00:05:01
    I Need to Escape right now and sometimes
  • 00:05:04
    I feel like you you don't take the time
  • 00:05:06
    to get to know what I'm currently going
  • 00:05:07
    through if you want I can tell you what
  • 00:05:09
    I'm currently going through and it was
  • 00:05:12
    crazy because I remember when I started
  • 00:05:14
    to do this with my dad more my my dad
  • 00:05:17
    gradually came around I mean props to
  • 00:05:19
    him he just kind of get he just kind of
  • 00:05:20
    went oh okay um would you want to talk
  • 00:05:23
    about it and I'm like yeah I kind of do
  • 00:05:25
    and then we spoke about it we deepened
  • 00:05:27
    our relationship now I'm just giving you
  • 00:05:29
    two examples so you can see that one
  • 00:05:31
    rule doesn't apply to every situation
  • 00:05:33
    and one of the most important skills you
  • 00:05:34
    have to learn as a masterful
  • 00:05:35
    communicator is when to do what whereas
  • 00:05:39
    I understand that as you begin your
  • 00:05:41
    journey as a a masterful communicator
  • 00:05:44
    you you want just you want things to be
  • 00:05:46
    simple you want just one rule right
  • 00:05:48
    however life is more complex than that
  • 00:05:51
    people are more complex than that that's
  • 00:05:52
    why you have to get good at the entire
  • 00:05:55
    instrument that's why you have to become
  • 00:05:56
    proficient with vocal archetypes you
  • 00:05:58
    have to become proficient with vocal
  • 00:06:00
    foundations storytelling using analogies
  • 00:06:03
    metaphors and similes because now all of
  • 00:06:04
    a sudden when you start to learn how to
  • 00:06:06
    use these tools to the extreme then that
  • 00:06:09
    means that you now can be flexible
  • 00:06:11
    within any different context you now can
  • 00:06:13
    be flexible within any different
  • 00:06:14
    situation and to be able to know when to
  • 00:06:18
    do what to be able to deescalate a
  • 00:06:19
    situation requires you to know the other
  • 00:06:22
    person imagine you're trying to diffuse
  • 00:06:24
    a bomb but you didn't know the bomb you
  • 00:06:26
    had no idea how it's white then how are
  • 00:06:27
    you going to diffuse the bomb so to the
  • 00:06:29
    escalator situation requires you to
  • 00:06:31
    actually know that person too otherwise
  • 00:06:33
    you're putting yourself in a situation
  • 00:06:35
    where you can't win and how do I know
  • 00:06:37
    whether or not to match and mirror the
  • 00:06:39
    person or whether I should actually do
  • 00:06:41
    the opposite of what the other person is
  • 00:06:42
    doing trial and error I've had to do so
  • 00:06:45
    much triing and erroring with the people
  • 00:06:47
    that I love in my life for me to be able
  • 00:06:49
    to get to know them because I can tell
  • 00:06:50
    you this right now some people don't
  • 00:06:52
    even know themselves very well so if you
  • 00:06:55
    actually sat there and asked them hey
  • 00:06:56
    would you like me to match your energy
  • 00:06:57
    when you're pissed off or would you like
  • 00:06:58
    me to play when you're pissed off
  • 00:07:00
    they'll be like what the hell are you
  • 00:07:01
    talking and then they'll get more pissed
  • 00:07:03
    off now if you don't know the person
  • 00:07:05
    well then Vin what do you do how do you
  • 00:07:07
    deescalate it I can tell you this right
  • 00:07:09
    now if I don't know you and you start
  • 00:07:11
    acting
  • 00:07:13
    all angry upset and it's a highly
  • 00:07:15
    volatile situation I'm vacating that
  • 00:07:18
    situation as quickly as I possibly can
  • 00:07:20
    well because I don't know you I don't
  • 00:07:21
    know the bomb the bomb could explode at
  • 00:07:23
    any particular moment well I'm not going
  • 00:07:24
    to stay around for the bomb to explode
  • 00:07:26
    I'm going to leave or maybe I'm the bomb
  • 00:07:27
    and I could explode right so I'm going
  • 00:07:29
    to to leave I want to deescalate the
  • 00:07:30
    situation by leaving that particular
  • 00:07:32
    situation and I've said this before in
  • 00:07:34
    many situations where I've been in those
  • 00:07:36
    moments I just say Hey listen I can feel
  • 00:07:40
    myself getting really upset and I don't
  • 00:07:42
    want to say anything that I'm going to
  • 00:07:43
    regret and I don't want you saying
  • 00:07:45
    something that you're going to regret I
  • 00:07:46
    believe it's best we part ways for the
  • 00:07:48
    time being until we cool down I don't
  • 00:07:51
    want to continue this
  • 00:07:52
    conversation I make a statement and I
  • 00:07:54
    leave and I've done that many times in
  • 00:07:57
    my life and I've been lucky there's been
  • 00:07:59
    no explosions with strangers but there
  • 00:08:01
    has been many explosions with the people
  • 00:08:03
    I love but there has been a lot less
  • 00:08:05
    explosions because I've learned and I've
  • 00:08:07
    started to understand a lot more about
  • 00:08:09
    the people I love if you found that
  • 00:08:11
    interesting and it's now piqued your
  • 00:08:12
    interest in learning communication
  • 00:08:14
    skills I'm running a free 2hour Master
  • 00:08:16
    Class titled conversational Mastery
  • 00:08:18
    where I'm going to teach you three
  • 00:08:20
    powerful Frameworks that will help you
  • 00:08:22
    answer questions on the spot in the
  • 00:08:23
    moment and you can do it in a concise
  • 00:08:25
    and distilled manner click the link
  • 00:08:27
    below pick the time that works best for
  • 00:08:29
    you I hope to see you there live
Etiquetas
  • communication
  • deescalation
  • matching and mirroring
  • situational awareness
  • rapport building
  • conflict resolution
  • vocal tonality
  • emotional intelligence
  • flexibility
  • master class